Been There Done That

Have you ever been so close to everything you’ve worked for, prayed for & wanted, but it’s been dangled in front of you so many times that you’re sure that it just won’t happen?

Welcome to my life.

I hate being so pessimistic, but every time I get so close to figuring out this move thing, something blows up. My hippie friend says it’s because there’s something in my past that should never have happened & the universe wants to make it right. I say, the universe can go f**k itself.

Imagine my surprise when my realtor calls me THE WEEK AFTER I DECIDE TO STAY LONGER to tell me that my second choice house is available! I’m pretty sure I’ve left 45 voice nails hoping to take it for February or March, but my goal to leave Windsor is almost here!

However, this has happened to me sooooo many times this past year. Something would happen & everyone would tell me that I was finally getting everything I’ve ever wanted & it would end with me in tears with a broken heart over & over & OVER again. So, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I’m not going to get excited about anything. I’m not going to be hopeful.

My friends worry that I sound pessimistic, but I assure you I still believe that everyone is capable of goodness & my life is amazeballs. I’m just not going to get excited about long shots anymore. Chances are this house can’t wait & I’ll have to continue to aim for May 1/14 to move. But it’s hard not to get excited when it’s just so close & it could happen.

I figure I’m challenging the universe, “it’s your move. Surprise me. Make it all come together. I’m not gonna do anything or get all my hopes up to end up crying & depressed again.” Because in the end, everything will work out & I’ll have my amazing new life in a new city. It will just take longer. I just want to be realistic & not cling to tiny shreds of hope that likely mean nothing & won’t turn out like I had hoped because it’s not good for my psyche.

But I’m not going to lie, somewhere deep down, I’m looking @ all of those little shreds of hope & wanting one of them to work out. Because no matter how much I try to be objective, I’ll always be a child-like optimist who thinks this time, it’ll be okay.

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I’ll Fight

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The best laid plans…*grumbles*

I’ve heard everything from the universe is trying to right something in my life that is off of its axis to London just sucks, but all of my house hunting has been futile this far. I had a lovely place lined up for the first of this month when certain situations (my landlords here wanted me to stay longer & I didn’t realize I needed to give 60 days notice, angry tween spazzed & after I moved my timeline to January, I was presented with an implication of the possibility of getting everything I ever wanted) arose, I had to decline, as they couldn’t hold it for me. Now I can’t find anything suitable for my family. I’ve been down to London 4 times & each time have found nothing. Balls.

But setbacks are simply setups for comebacks, so instead of moping about, this has strengthened my resolve to leave Windsor & start over. It’ll just take a little longer than I planned. I’ll get through the holidays & save up a little more & then move.

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My friend Gigi asked me if there was anything worth staying in Windsor for & I presented her a scenario in which I said I would have “won @ life.” She laughed. However, I’m not big on waiting for my future to come to me, or for the universe’s grand design. If the universe is keeping me here for a couple of extra months, then it best get on providing the reason why, because I’m in no mood to play games hahaha. I can be VERY stubborn & I AM LEAVING. I am starting over. I will do that in a new city. None of these setbacks mean anything, because I’m determined to make my life what I want. I want to be happy. I want a great life for my girls & a place to build my portfolio & maybe even a happily ever after with the love of my life. In order to do that, I need to be focused on the things I need to do to make that happen. So, I’ll research what city is best for me, I’ll keep striving to be the best Mama that I can be & I’ll keep writing my “how to not screw up your life by doing the opposite of what I do,” manual known as this blog, because it makes me a stronger writer. Focusing on those things that make me most happy while continuing to focus on my relocation will keep me grounded & will make it that much more satisfying when it all comes together & I’m sitting in my new home, in my new city, enjoying my new life.

So, challenge away universe. I’m pretty determined & when I set my mind on something, there’s no stopping. I’ll get what I want…just watch me.

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