Bad Mood

When my beloved Target closed, I bought a pair of white jeans, size 8.

I figured I’d wear them by the end of summer for my birthday in London with my friends. Instead, I moved to Edmonton on a whim one day because I make amazing life choices. Then I got frustrated with my old gym, and allowed all of the old insecurities to creep back in and I ended up gaining 25lbs back instead of continuing to lose weight. Those white jeans have never been worn. Tonight I was folding my laundry and I saw the white pants. I also noticed a black knit dress I bought to wear to a Holiday Party (which I didn’t end up going to anyway). I saw the black vegan leather shorts I bought to wear as the first pair of shorts I’ve worn since 2002. And the black and white dress I bought one spring at Target because my friend Brie said it looked cute on me (I have now decided that I will wear it to her wedding). I own lots of clothing that just hangs in the closet, never worn, because I’ve put weight back on, or I never go out.

It’s my own damn fault. I spent eight months off & some nights I don’t work out; I eat poutine and watch Total Bellas.

I don’t work out at home on days I can’t get to the gym. I’m letting my self confidence take a hit and all of my adorable clothes sit in the closet and never get to be worn. I spent money on these things. I was so excited to wear them. But now, they’re just put away in the closet, with some sad acceptance that I’ll never wear them.

Until today.

Much like I hide at home because I’m afraid that everyone on Earth subconsciously thinks I’m an idiot, I’m doing myself a disservice by not wearing my cute clothing. By sighing and saying “you’ll never fit into those white jeans, so eat the brownie,” I’m just allowing myself to have low self esteem. My best friend Melissa is kind of feeling the same way that I do. We’ve been planning a ladies only trip to Montreal for spring 2018, so I think it’s time to get us out of that self defeating attitude and start getting into that “we are so very bad ass” attitude instead.

Today is October 1/17. I’ve decided to make it my personal goal to wear all of the things in my closet that I bought as motivation to lose weight/was too self conscious to go anywhere within the next 365 days. It may seem really stupid to an outsider, but to me, it’s a goal to work towards to help me stay focused. I’m an emotional eater, so a stressful day at work will have me reaching for the chips. So, I hung the white jeans beside my bed. Every morning when I wake up, I’ll look at those jeans. That will remind me at the start of the day that binge eating isn’t worth it. I’ll focus on this;

And less on this:

Of course, Melissa isn’t one to be motivated by “reward clothing,” but she is a personal trainer that works for a fashionable clothing company, so she knows what she wants her body to look like so she can wear what she wants. Because our goals are the same, we can help keep each other accountable. I’ll also check with my girl Johanna and her fitness Facebook group to help me feel like I’m holding myself accountable by checking in every day.

I’m always at my best when I’m driven to reach a goal and right now, that goal is to wear those white pants. Maybe it seems stupid to an outsider, but I’m sure you have something, whether it’s a fitness goal, a professional goal, or a personal goal. You have your own white pants and it’s up to you to come up with a plan to achieve that goal. Set a timeline, and then make it happen. My goal is to wear all six items in my closet my October 1/18. But those white pants? They’ll be worn by spring. Every time I think about grabbing a bag of chips, or skipping a workout (if I can’t make it to Crossfit, pull out Stratusphere Sculpt or Stratusphere yoga), I’m going to ask myself if it’s worth not fitting into those pants.

I’ll be adding this to the pile of projects I have on the go (more about those HERE). Maybe I can drive my new car to my new house, wearing my white pants, if I just stay focused and work hard.

A New Day Has Come

I’ve always said that no matter what happens in my life, professionally, I am killing it. I can use present tense because I am ALWAYS killing it. Call me an egotistical bitch, but I’m very good at what I do & when I set a professional goal, I get it. Why? Because I’m MHC & I work 10 times harder than I need to because I’m determined to be the strongest woman I know. 


This past week, I’ve been contacted for two interviews; one for a management position that would allow me to begin to merge my wireless career & public relations career and one AT MOTHER EFFING POSTMEDIA. MOTHER EFFING POSTMEDIA. LET THAT SINK IN BITCHES. POSTMEDIA. It’s not the position I am gunning for, but it is a start.  It’s opportunity and all I’ve ever asked for is an opportunity. I can prove myself with the rest. But everything I’ve worked for since I was eight could start to come together. And if it blows up, I have an opportunity to continue my reign as the Queen of Telecommunications. Speaking of my reign, my manager called me today to tell me that I was this week’s top performer for all of Northern Cow Province. All hail the Queen. My last blog post was praised on Twitter. Random strangers messaged me to tell me they think I’m gifted with words. Boom. My new editor has been really hands on, working with all of us to appeal to our strengths and help us grow as writers. I’m so excited to work with him, as I’ll just become a better reporter. I’m so super happy. I have almost everything I’ve ever wanted after a minor setback in the winter. But that’s all setbacks are; minor. With hard work & determination, it’ll always come together. 

I wanted this job so badly that I ditched my signature red lip in favour of a natural look. I am actually wearing more makeup to look like I am not wearing any than when I wear cateye and red lip

Regardless of if anything pans out, I know the opportunity is there. All humans are 100% capable of making their lives how they want it to be & I am gonna do just that. I have a destiny to be so much bigger than I am, and so do you. We all do. Part of that destiny is teaching three girls to (if I can borrow a line from Queen Britney Spears) work bitch. I’ve been pushing myself at the gym (my quads will tell you all about it), I’ve been pushing my cardio by following my Runkeeper plan. Strong women create strong women & I intend to raise three unstoppable forces. To do that, I have to be one myself. 

I was gonna run around the lake, but geese.

Life isn’t perfect, and it will never be perfect, but it’s coming together nicely & I can take comfort in the knowledge that I did all of it MY way. I’m gonna continue to do it all MY way because, not only am I teaching my daughters to do it their way, but because I can take joy in knowing everything I’ve ever accomplished I did on my own, for me. It wasn’t my coaches that lifted the weight, I did it. No one got these interviews for me, I DID.  No one sold the phones for me, no one wrote the words for me, no one did it but me. I DID IT & for the first time in my life, I’m going to embrace what I can do. Once you embrace what you can do and what you can accomplish, no one can take it from you ever again. 

MH’s guide to life is simple; 1. Be a bad ass. 2. Own the fuck out of your bad assery. Let your light shine bright & never let anyone or anything make you think you can’t. You can. Own that you can. I tell my teen daughter that you can look for the light at the end of the tunnel or you can bang two damn rocks together until you get a spark to light it yourself. 


I’ve got my spark, time to start my inferno. 

The Great Divide

Let me tell you a story called “MH’s no good, terrible, horrible, very bad days.” 

One thing I have never lacked is ambition; mostly because I think I can do everything. So, I decided to paint my entire house, by myself, in 24 hours! 

(I am well aware that this was actually stupid, no need to remind me)

I got through two rooms (walls only) & one started before I gave up & cried. And passed out. It was pretty fantastic. 

The next day @ work, I was programming my shiny new work phone & so proud that unlike my last work line, it actually worked! I put my shiny phone in my pocket & headed home, as my movers refused to drop off my stuff unless I was there. I went to answer an email by pulling my phone out of my pocket & found THIS;

 

Apparently my booty game so strong that IT DESTROYS ELECTRONICS
 
After putting an insensitive friend on blast & receiving a helpful reminder from a former coworker about why Z3 screens are actually made of delicate rice paper (and apparently this is common), I was pretty much DONE with the last 48 hours. 

Normally, I use crossfit as my stress reliever, but I don’t have a class until later today. Yoga wasn’t an option either; as movers were all over my house. So, I went shopping. If I like you, I probably bought you or your kid something (but I didn’t buy my brother the Anger plusher because I’m a jerk sister). I also bought my first piece of “bandwagon sports clothing” so I’ll fit in amongst Western Canadians. I got some David’s Tea. By the end, I was poor, but I felt better. 

 

I bought this shirt. I am such a child
 
In my professional life, I have mastered time management & quiet control. In my personal life, I have mastered letting things play out as they should & finding my comfort level without overthinking. As a parent, I have mastered equal time for my children. But as a woman, I still try to accomplish more than one human being is capable of. 

Part of it stems from the girls being gone for so long. I want their home to be perfect when they get home. Then there is the fact that I want to do everything ON MY OWN. I hate relying on others, I hate asking for help. I want to be completely independent & take care of myself & my family on my own. I want to be super mom & super woman & super athlete so I can feel like a strong & independent woman. I want my girls to have a good role model so perhaps my ambition, while well meaning, is a bit…nuts. 

I’ll get my house painted. I’ll just have to pace it out a little bit each night until it’s done. I’ll get unpacked. I’ll get my work phone fixed. It’ll all work out. And crossfit is tonight so getting back into my fitness life will help me feel “normal” again. And I’ll keep working to leave my over ambitious nature in my professional life, where it will serve me to accomplish all of my goals in my own bad ass way (& for crossfit, because gains). 

Whether it’s positive self work or spending money, I’ll always try to find the positive so I can keep tackling life each day & making it my bitch, because that’s the only way to live! 

In the interim, I’m going to pace myself to get what I want to get done completed. I’ve got some great opportunities lined up & I don’t want to burn myself out sweating small stuff…& I bought a bunch of stuff so I get to give people gifties so they’ll be happy & I’ll be happy that I got to make them happy, because no matter how much I grow, the basic core of who I am, the person who loves to give to others, will never change. 

  

Ready, Aim, Fire

Ugh. 

Sorry, no amazing lead, and my journalism teacher would kick my ass for that, but that’s the best that I can do, as I am so very tired. 

 

Remember that time that I got to wear regular clothes & had a day off? that was a great day…a month ago

I always tell people that I am a bad ass and a force to be reckoned with. I can move mountains & I am the strongest & most dominant woman that I know. I say this because self love is super important. I used to base my self worth around others. Now, I take it from my own belief that I can do anything. However, for the last two months, I’ve had to prove it. 

When my most awesome (& well paying) job ended, & my ex husband lost yet another job (which begs the question, how many jobs must one get fired from before they are completely unemployable?), this mama needed to do whatever she could to pay the bills, as I’m once again a sole support mama. This means working a full time job, a part time job & writing remotely (PS check out my latest articles here & here). It’s a lot of hours & juggling & sometimes swapping shifts & rushing from one job to the other all to make ends meet & build up my savings & all that good stuff. It’s not pretty, but it’s what’s happening. It’s tiring & almost too much, hence why changes are being made. My manager at one job has tailored my schedule so I can get the kids to school & go to the gym. I’m also interviewing for a position this week that would give me more income & allow me to work only one job. More changes need to be made, but it’s a start. I’m being pulled in a lot of directions & it seems like I’ll be heading in a way I wasn’t planning on, but life never goes according to plan, that’s why you roll with punches & move along.

My incredibly hectic life is one of the reasons I’m so glad I have crossfit. Yes, I’m a huge douche about my love of fitness, and in five weeks, I apologize in advance if you’re on my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Tumblr, as I will be flooding your timeline with crossfit “this is my one rep Max, watch me lift heavy things” douchebaggery, but strengthening the body helps keep one focused, especially when focusing on a lot of things at once. 

 

it also keeps me looking fantastic!
 
Between crossfit twice a week, walking to work, yoga three times a week & running when I can, I use fitness to clear my head. It helps me, whether I’m stuck on a story or I’m trying to organize my thoughts & get a lot done all at once. With trying to balance three schedules, raising a family & writing with a time zone difference, I’m grateful that I have an outlet that keeps me grounded & level headed. Listening to music during a good run will help me focus & organize my thoughts long enough to plan what’s coming next. Yoga helps me center myself so I can let go of some of that “MHC type A” attitude & help me let the universe sort out where I belong. And nothing helps you feel like you can conquer a mountain & reach your life’s goals like lifting heavy stuff & realizing the weights are getting bigger because you’re getting stronger. The past few months have felt like I’m clawing towards a goal & I’m in over my head, but the things that once crushed my soul have not impacted my life in any negative way thanks to my fitness regime. Whenever I felt over my head, or sad, I did the only thing I’m good at, write. But this time I added fitness & the endorphins & those things kept me focused on the goals & kept me positive. A few more weeks and something will have changed & life will be even better, because that’s what everyone is hoping for, right? A way to make things better? 

So, I’ll keep plugging away, and keep my focus on my family, my writing & fitness so that I’ll reach my latest goal & while this part of the journey may suck, it’ll make reaching it that much better. But most importantly, I’ve learned that I really am the force to be reckoned with and bad ass woman I’ve always claimed that I was, and that feels pretty damn good.