It’s Time To Go

Well y’all; I did a thing. I quit my job.

You’re probably wondering why I would quit my job after five years and have devoted almost every second of energy towards. So, let me answer! I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, about how I can get back to a version of me I’m really happy with. One of the things holding me back was a lack of work life balance. My job was smothering me. I was giving so much to everyone, but in return I wasn’t getting a whole lot. I had to miss the last day of school, and the last time the three kids walked home together and it super sucked. I was reaching a level of professional dissatisfaction that I could no longer ignore, but I was trying to because I loved the company, my clients, and my colleagues. Then a line of professionalism was crossed, and I realized that while I was working so hard to be a good teammate, I wasn’t seen as a teammate by one person, I was seen as someone you didn’t need to treat with basic respect. I wasn’t being respected by a person who’s respect I should have earned through my work performance. I was giving so much of myself to a job that wasn’t giving me anything back in return but migraines, stress, and exacerbated PCOS symptoms. I was only staying for my women’s program, my colleagues, and charity work. I was worn out, exhausted, and I didn’t like going to work anymore.

The world has a way of helping you realize that where one person won’t appreciate you; others will. Some former colleagues and friends suggested me for another company. The company contacted me and offered me a job with work life balance, better financial security, and the opportunity to build a philanthropy program that was ethical and did more than just raise money, but rather empower employees to do more for their communities. I loved my colleagues, but I’d be stupid not to see that this is better for me. I’d have time to be a mom, more time for my mom, and more time to live my life, instead of just work.

Chasing someone’s approval, whether it’s a partner, a friend, or a boss that will never see your value, will always suck the life out of you. Over the last few years, I’ve seen my confidence diminish to the point where I’m afraid to do anything. I am afraid if I go to the gym, I’ll just mess up and not do well. My self esteem is in the toilet. I’m always tired. You always hear about how the wrong manager or the lack of validation at work can run an employee ragged and it would bleed into the rest of their lives. This was me. I took extra shifts, I was the first to volunteer for projects, I participated on calls, and helped my colleagues. I kept trying and trying only to end most of my evaluations in tears and apologizing for minor things. I loved my job. I loved the company. But after I got off of the phone with my new boss, I felt more valued than I had in years. I’m excited to unplug. No more late night messages about what worked, no more calls on my day off. My days off are mine, which means I can go to the gym, I can go to the beach (which I did), I can go to a movie without my phone blowing up. And above all, I feel optimistic about my work life for the first time in forever.

So, while it broke my heart to leave a job where I got to work with so many amazing people and help the clients I’ve worked with for so many years, I had to start thinking my mental health and my needs. I’ve spent five years devoting myself to what was best for the company, but never what was best for me. So, while it wasn’t something I had planned, I made a choice that was best for me.

Despite my love for my company and colleagues and team, when I left, I felt relieved and like thirty pounds of stress was gone. I’ll miss my colleagues and team, but it’s been so much easier to get up, exercise, and enjoy my week without that feeling of walking on eggshells wondering if today was the day I’d end up crying at work again. This week has been the most peaceful and relaxing week I’ve had in years. I’m actually looking forward to going to work again instead of sitting in my car for ten minutes just psyching myself up to go into the building or dreading answering my phone. For the first time since the start of the pandemic, I feel optimistic about my life.

I never realized just how much space my job took in my life until I realized my life had no space because of my job. Now, my new job holds a space in my life, but so does my family, so does fitness (even though I’ve been afraid of failing at the gym), so do my friends, and a social life, which is how it should be. There’s a good lesson here, which is that I can’t allow myself to let my job take over my life and I can’t keep giving my whole self to try and win the approval of people who are never going to give me that. I’ve done this in my personal life and now in my professional life. However, I also learned that even if one person doesn’t see your worth, doesn’t mean others are missing it too. I’m so grateful for the number of colleagues, team members (past and present), managers from other districts, and even HR, who reached out to thank me for my work, my contributions to the company, and wish me well. Those are the people who worked on the floor with me, knew me on a personal level, and saw my commitment. I’m so grateful for them and their friendship.

So, while I’m nervous to start something new, as it’s been awhile since I did that (which is weird, I used to do it all of the time), I’m also really excited for a change. Things haven’t been working the way they were and now I’m excited to take on a completely new job and do something different. I’m excited to grow my career and reduce my waistline. But I’m most excited to find the best version of myself that I’ve been so determined to find again. So, much like every other time I’ve made a change to embrace something new, I’m excitedly optimistic about what experiences I’ll have and lessons I’ll learn.

Titans

2021 is just 2020 with bangs and can fuck all the way off.

I mentioned recently that I’ve been going through some health challenges as a result of a hormone imbalance. I’ve gained a bunch of weight, my hair is thinner, I’m always exhausted, and I’m moody, as well as a litany of symptoms I’m not comfortable sharing. I’m always depressed and I cry way too much. I assumed it was a quick fix, get some medication, life goes on. But after two ultrasounds, pleading with my doctor to stress, and blood test after blood test, I now know what’s wrong. I have PCOS combined with a disorder called endometrial hyperplasia, and need a biopsy to determine if this is typical hyperplasia (which just requires medication) or atypical (which means a higher risk of cancer, and a possible need for a hysterectomy). It’s a lot to deal with when I’ve already got my mom in the hospital, switching locations and building a new team, and my normal priorities of raising a family. It’s a lot to handle and it’s honestly freaking me out a bit.

I’m sure I’m fine, and I’ll take some medication, my hair will grow back (and drive my stylist nuts), and all will be well. But there’s still the fact that 30% of women develop endometrial cancer from this. Biopsy is a very scary word. If I require surgery, I need to take time off from work. I’m barely making ends meet as it is. Who will take care of the girls if I’m laid up from major surgery? Who will take care of my mom? Worst case scenario, if I am one of that 30%, and something happens to me, will the girls be okay? I already have a plan in place where my best friend would step in as guardian for the girls, but the thought of them living without an active parent scares me. I lost a parent when I was young and it was traumatic. The girls have already been through a lot with their dad barely being present in their lives. So, I focus on staying active, healthy, and present. It’s all I can do during situations like this.

There’s also the reality that I’m going through this alone. I’m fortunate enough to have great friends; for example, my best friend is going to come with me when I get my biopsy. My other friend has been hella supportive. But I’m still really scared. I’m not going to scare the kids, and I feel like expected to have a big brave face all of the time. But when I’m alone with my thoughts at night, I’m stuck with the pressure of knowing if something does go wrong, the house of cards I’ve spent ten years building to make a home for my family all collapses. I’m actually mad at my body right now. Like, how dare it decide not to cooperate with me and stay healthy. Doesn’t it understand how many people depend on us? The kids, my mom, my job; they all depend on us! I want to scream at myself that we simply cannot afford to be sick or need surgery; too many people rely on me to take care of them!

If I’m down and out from surgery, who will keep my house clean and the kids fed? Who will drive them to school? Who will do the reporting at work? Who will pick my mom up from the hospital? How will I get home from the hospital if I can’t drive? These questions always amplify my occasional loneliness. If I had a partner, these things wouldn’t be an issue. But then I remember that if I was still married, these things would still be a problem. He’d be too busy yelling at me and the kids to help, and I’d probably have to bus home post-op because he had more pressing things to do, like get drunk (just like when I was pregnant). I’d much rather deal with these issues as a solo act, even if it does make it harder.

There’s also the vanity aspect. I have always felt at least a little bit attractive, but now I just feel…old…fat…ugly. My hair is always dry. I have no energy and I miss running and CrossFit and I feel like I’ve hit the wall and all that’s left is becoming an old hag. I have a complicated relationship with my mom. One of the reasons is she gave up on life when my dad died and let herself age poorly, which affected her health. I was obsessed with taking care of my body and skin so this wouldn’t happen to me, but now I’m afraid I’ll age 20 years overnight & my pipe dreams of meeting someone and being in a healthy relationship has gone up in smoke even more. Is this rational? No. Being healthy should be what comes first. But liking yourself should mean something too and this whole experience has really shed a light on how much I do not like myself right now. I’m scared, angry, and sad & it hella sucks.

One thing I always tell my kids when things suck is to focus on changing the things you have control over. I have no control over what’s happening to my body right now. But I do have control over what I put in by eating well, exercising, and getting proper sleep. I can make sure I have a proper will in place so my chosen guardian for the kids is in place. I can make sure I perform well at work so I can stress less about my financials. I can meditate and see my therapist to stay calm. I can engage with my new team and help them thrive. And I can figure out the rest as it happens. It’s the only thing I can do right now, so that’s what I’ll do. Obsessing about everything that can go wrong will only make everything worse, and I’m already scared enough. The best way to combat anxiety is to just breathe and focus on what’s fixable, and then deal with the rest when it comes. It’ll keep my fears and insecurities and other feelings at a manageable level until the next step comes.

Just Awake

Oh, Hello!

It’s been awhile, eh?

Truthfully, I haven’t really had much to discuss. When everything is closed, there’s not much to do. Not much to do means not much to discuss. So, I’m just living my life. Normally, I go out of my way to put a positive spin on everything, but y’all, I’m tired.

I’m in the middle of moving, as my landlord has opted to list my house, and unfortunately, I’m not in the position to buy right now. 2020 kind of screwed things up for me a bit. It sucks and it’s stressful, but I’m not gonna dwell. I’m just gonna pick myself up and keep on figuring life out. Part of that involves realizing I need to reevaluate my finances. If I want to buy a house, I need to reduce my debt. I also cannot have a high interest car loan. So, I made a decision and traded in my car for a new vehicle with a lower interest rate, aka Wanda 2.0. It wasn’t the plan, I wanted to refinance OG Wanda, but this made more sense as my payments didn’t change and my insurance went down. I’m also figuring out how to pay off my credit cards so I can start saving for the down payment of a house. I was hoping to be able to buy my current house this year, but 2020 happened and 2021 is just 2020 with bangs so it’s not easy. But we’ll get there.

Meet Wanda Maximoff 2.0 (aka a 2021 Hyundai Venue)

But things are tough. Caring for an elderly parent is tough. Stroke recovery takes time. There’s mood swings, good days, bad days, and I’m very alone. My siblings haven’t even checked in with a “how are things” in months. It’s really highlighted how alone I am with this. The kids are juggling school and helping around the house. But parenting three kids on your own while taking care of an elderly parent on your own and balancing work, home, moving, and feeling like things just keep on piling up takes it’s toll. I’m exhausted and depressed. Fortunately I started therapy over the fall and it’s been super helpful. But nothing has been easy and everything just feels a little hopeless. I’m in full caregiver burnout mode y’all. I hate it because sometimes I get irrationally annoyed about little stuff with the kids, who in turn get irrationally annoyed with the next kid down the chain. It’s not fair to anyone and now we’re all sniping at everyone all of the time. Things are tough & I think we’re all feeling a little less hopeful.

One of my best friends keeps telling me that I like to pretend everything is great externally while, in reality, it’s damn hard. Parenting in a pandemic is hard. Caring for an elderly relative is hard. Moving to a completely different part of the city and navigating the bizarre school district and realizing I may not be commuting 4km to work anymore, and balancing it all while having absolutely zero minutes to yourself sucks. I need a vacation, but that’s not really an option either (although I may go hiking in the mountains soon. I need a break lol). I talked to some of my other mom friends and they helped me realize they’re all in the same boat. There’s no magic “super mom” who’s making all of the crafts and sticking to the colour coded lists. We’re just winging it. Possibly while drinking.

I guess the point is that we’re all so busy trying to convince ourselves everything is okay and we are nailing this life thing, and in reality, we probably aren’t. I know I’m not. But I guess I keep shooting myself in the foot, because I want people to think I am, then I’m shocked Pikachu face when I’m alone dealing with whatever is going wrong because I’ve convinced my support system I’m doing great. I can’t be the only one. Maybe 2021 needs to be the year we all stop pretending everything is perfect to impress or for the gram. Maybe we need to be honest and admit it’s not easy and we don’t have everything under control and we are one bad day away from a crying meltdown. We don’t need people to be impressed by our houses or our pretty pictures. We need to support each other.

Basically, if you’re feeling like I am, and like the weight of the world is trying to crush your spirit; you’re not alone. You don’t need to pretend that it’s all great and your kids are perfect online students, your house is clean every second and you aren’t one more tween argument away from sneaking White Claws in the closet. I am right there with you. I’d save you a spot if we were allowed to visit. You’re not alone, everyone’s life is a shitshow right now. Let’s turn off the highlight reels and keep it more real.

Saviour Complex

One thing I’ve learned about living through a pandemic is that when the movie industry assumed 80% of the planet wouldn’t survive the zombie apocalypse, they were correct.

Every time I log into social media, there’s someone talking about how it’s a hoax, or why they aren’t gonna stay home.

  • “My family deserves a big family holiday.”
  • “I’m still throwing a huge birthday party, it’s not fair for me to have to cancel it.”
  • “I refuse to cancel my wedding.”
  • “I shouldn’t have to wear a mask.”
  • “I’m not ruining my Christmas.”

That’s cool guys. But that’s how the zombies win in the movies.

COVID has been particularly scary for me because I have two high risk family members (one of which is one of my children), so we have tried our best to comply. I only go to work, groceries, and to the gym (and even that is sparingly because I work with people). I’ve been out in a restaurant three times in eight months. The kids didn’t get to see their dad this summer. I didn’t get to run my 10k. It’s been awful.

But I do this because I don’t trust people. One dumb dumb can infect my whole family. You read about them all of the time, the dumb dumbs that mask symptoms to go to Disney, or go to the hair salon, or whatever. I do not want to run the risk of making my family sick so I reduce my own risk by staying home as much as possible. I cancelled my annual holiday party long before the new restrictions. Even my dating life has been mindful of restrictions. I went on a first date with a guy in a restaurant, but we planned our second as a river walk with hot chocolate. I wanted to make sure I could continue to get to know someone while reducing risks, because I don’t trust people. Normally, my friends tell me that’s silly. Now, I can confidently say…

I WAS RIGHT. DO NOT TRUST PEOPLE. PEOPLE ARE THE WORST.

This week I got a call from a customer who informed me that while waiting for her test results, she realized she needed to pick up something she had ordered and came into the store instead of waiting. Well, she got her results and she’s got COVID. That item she HAD to have just put my whole family at risk. It put my team at risk. It put the safety of my coworkers and their families at risk. It put a neighbouring store at risk because the beauty treatment couldn’t wait. So many people put at risk because one person didn’t want to isolate.

This meant we all had to get tested. I got to be super stressed while I waited, worrying if I gave my kids COVID because I had to work. Worrying about if I infected my mom who’s been in poor health. Worrying about what would become of my family if I got sick. Who would raise the kids, who would pay the bills, how would we manage? This is terrifying shit. Fortunately, my test was negative. But, there’s a part of me that’s still so freaking mad that someone being completely irresponsible put so many people around me at risk.

I cannot stress this enough; every time you say your family Christmas party is too important to miss, or you don’t need a mask, you are saying “I don’t give a shit if I put you and your family at risk, I don’t want to be mildly inconvenienced.” I don’t want to be mildly inconvenienced either. I don’t enjoy mask wearing, or staying home, or not having company. I hate knowing that if things don’t change, it’ll be another year before the kids can see their grandmother in Ontario. None of this is fun. But, it’s responsible. Getting tested wasn’t fun, but it was important to make sure I wasn’t putting anyone at risk. The world isn’t just about me or you. I get that everyone wants to go to their family Christmas or out for dinner, but every time we don’t listen and just do whatever, things get worse for everyone else and that’s not fair to the people around you. It’s not just you that gets sick. It’s everyone around you. Had I gotten sick, my family could have gotten sick, as well as my coworkers at two different locations (because I drove to pick up a phone), my teenager’s coworkers, and my other customers, some who are elderly or possibly high risk.

The reason everyone in the zombie movies die is because no one thinks about how their actions impact everyone else. They just think about how they alone need to escape instead of working together to stop the zombies, and you know what happens next.

So, before you plan your huge bash at a hotel or go shopping while waiting on COVID results, or post another conspiracy blog, or about how much all of these restrictions suck, think about how most could be avoided if we as a group of people listened the first damn time. Also, make sure you tell your asthmatic friends, or your grandparents that you really don’t care what happens to them, as long as you get to shop without a mask and have friends over for the holidays, because that’s what your actions show.

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Don’t Let It Break Your Heart

How’s everyone holding up? Still doing okay? Sad? Poor? Sad and poor? Consider this your mental health check in.

I’ve always prided myself at using my writing as an honest look into my life. This will be no exception. Folks, I’m damn tired.

Times have been tough man. My mom took ill at the start of COVID, adding some new financial and emotional responsibilities. My brother has been here to help, but I’m still calling the doctors, making the appointments, picking up the medication, the girls and I are cleaning the house and cleaning her room, and guys, that’s a lot when you’re raising three kids. There’s the emotional toll that comes with your parents getting older. Things feel darker, like maybe they won’t see your kid graduate. Maybe they won’t be a great grandparent. There’s all this guilt because you need to be home to cook dinner because you don’t want to burden the kids and you sleep through your alarms until you are running behind and end up skipping breakfast.

There’s the financial setbacks. Paying some of the back bills from the shutdown while paying current bills, all while the Family Responsibility Office reduces you to tears by screaming at you that it’s not their job to make sure your support payments come so accept reality that it’s not coming and stop bothering them.

This means sacrifices must be made. Those gym passes? They gotta wait girl. That’s grocery money now, because the support money you earmarked for groceries isn’t coming ever. The Halloween costumes your kids picked out? Nada. You’re now explaining to them that we’re gonna use last year’s and stuff from home because that money is now earmarked for insurance. Meanwhile you’re scraping every cent to make sure that you can get your oldest’s university application fee together. It’s not like you can make it to the gym because there’s so much to do at home and sometimes you volunteer to work late or a sixth day, or a seventh, because you want to give back to the good people you work with and those sales mean a chance to get ahead. That’s my reality my dudes. I’m tired and my weekly weigh in is sub-optimal, so I binge watch Drag Race for six hours after everyone is in bed and then lurk on the Bachelor on Reddit (despite never having watched the Bachelor) wallowing in my own depression and feeling like I’m failing at every aspect of my life.

I’ve stopped wearing makeup, because what’s the point. I’ve felt fat & ugly. I’ve felt bad at fitness. Bad at parenting. But mostly, because I’m not living up to expectations. There’s only so many times you can tell the kids next time/next year before they just stop asking. They know it’s not happening, and it’s because I let them down. Fitness is a losing battle. I know at 4:30 someone at home will call about an issue, and now it’s just not in the budget. I go for 3.5 km walks every other night and use my home fitness app, but it’s not the same. I feel like Sisyphus, pushing the Boulder up for it just to roll back down. I decided writing about it may help some other person feeling so overwhelmed know they aren’t all alone. Rona is making everyone’s mental health hard.

I cope by practicing gratitude. Maybe that’s dumb, but I feel like the only way to push through times that aren’t ideal is by reminding ourselves of all the good around us. For example, my family is rad. I have the best kids in the world and we have made this life thing work. I have an amazing job that paid me during Covid. I have a great team of reps and support from others to help so I can recharge with some time off. I live in a beautiful neighbourhood so I can go for walks. I have a home app I can use for my fitness until I can lift heavy things again. My mom’s health has improved significantly. She has a helpful nurse. My friends are always there for me. Life will never feel bleak if you can look and be grateful for what you’ve got.

Life isn’t all sunshine and roses, and pretending it is will only destroy you the minute it stops going well. Tough times are gonna happen. For me, that time is now. But if I waste my time and space dwelling on those things, I’m never going to get out of that black hole. My best friend always says to choose your attitude, so each night before I go to bed, I make a mental list of everything awesome in my life and thank the universe for it. This way, when these tough times are over, I can remain grateful. I’ll appreciate the gym more once I can get back. I’ll cherish that time more. I’ll go back to work with a renewed focus and help my team be better. I’ll look in the mirror and see someone to invest in, not to feel disappointed in. I’ll be more appreciative of little things, like that colleague that was kind enough to cover a shift for my vacation, or how my friend and I always take turns buying Starbucks. Maybe I’m naive, but I’d rather always search for good ever when everything feels less than good. I’ll build on all the good things until these times pass and there is only good. For me, it’s the best way to keep my bubbly spirit up while navigating tough times, and I’d rather be grateful than let depression rule my life. It’s a tough road, but I’ll get there.

The Last Great American Dynasty

I generally don’t write about my kids, but sometimes they’re hilarious.

My teenager has made it her personal mission to marry me off. None of you are off limits apparently!

  • Platonic friend? Possible husband candidate!
  • Guy at the gym? You too!
  • Recently single colleague? Step right up!
  • My kid’s teacher? Absolutely a front runner.
  • Random dude I bumped into at Hot Topic? Yes! You are an option!

I feel like I’m living in my own personal episode of the Bachelorette, only I didn’t choose this, and Chris Harrison is really pushy.

It’s actually really cute that the kids are living their own personal version of an Olsen Twins movie. They obviously care about me. They want me to be happy. But they also want a father figure they can look up to. I can’t blame them for that. Every kid wants a father figure to be there for them, and they don’t have that. I didn’t, but then I was fortunate enough to have a foster dad that gave me someone to look up to. And I’ve been so focused on trying to do well at work and be healthier so I can be in a healthy relationship that I didn’t see how much they wanted me married off so that they have a stepdad. They’re craving having a full time father figure that doesn’t come and go or only talks to them when they make an effort. They want someone who’s all in on our family.

If we’re being honest, some of their choices are great. They’d be great partners (maybe not for me), and one made me take pause and really think it over, as if it would be a good idea. I think I actually thought it would have worked out with someone by now. I caught the bouquet at my friend’s wedding and decided it was a sign from the universe that my life was finally ready for a partner. Instead, it blew up. So, I sort of gave up for a long time. I gave up on myself and decided I wasn’t worth investing in. Then I gave up on dating. I just sort of decided this was how it was. It impacted my health, my self esteem, etc. I just didn’t care anymore.

I realize now this needed to change. I’m getting out there. I went on a first date, but the guy and I decided we’d be better off as friends. I went on another where I didn’t feel any connection. But I’m not hiding away in my hobbit hole either. It’s a start. My weight isn’t where I want it and my career isn’t either, but if I keep making excuses, I’ll keep wasting the best years of my life because I’m waiting for the perfect window to be in a relationship. So, I’ll keep going on socially distant outdoor dates with masks on and no physical contact until a swab is done. I’ve spent a long time afraid of relationships because the last long term relationship I was in was ended in such a cruel, heartless, and confusing way that I didn’t want to put myself out there again. Even my last short term relationship I felt like an afterthought, only good enough to share the dark and depressing sides, never anything positive. But nothing changes if I’m not willing to put myself out there. Obviously the kids are craving a male role model. I need to be open to creating a blended family unit, so much so that they are willing to pair me off with any dude I remotely get along with!

Basically I’m living in my own romcom. It always works out for them, maybe it’ll work out for me! If not, at least I know my family is invested enough in my happiness to make the attempt. It’s super flattering…as long as they don’t put me on the Bachelorette for real.

It is What it is

Hey all you cool cats and kittens…

…truth time: I never finished Tiger King. I have the last episode left. I’m the worst with TV. I haven’t finished Glow either. Or Nailed It. Or anything I start except Brooklyn 99. Also the kids got me into Naruto. It’s fun except I love every character except Naruto. But my London friends are super proud that I’m finally into anime besides Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball Z.

Anyway, how’s life? You good? Has your new normal of teaching kids at home and zoom calls and NEVER GOING OUT ANYWHERE EVER AGAIN been treating you well? Here’s an update; this fucking sucks. It’s not all terrible. I’ve been catching up on my fitness at home, the kids and I binge watch the Simpsons, pro wrestling, and anime because we are the coolest people ever. My company is graciously paying me during this time so I’ve been working from home. I’m cooking more, and turned my Snapchat into a cooking show.

Feel free to follow along while I make chicken and other stuff.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Money is tight. We’re not broke, but there’s nothing extra and summer clothes may have to wait. The dad isn’t helping, and even if he could he wouldn’t because we do not align on how we prioritize the children. Not to mention his sister caused some issues that impacted my finances and after numerous issues involving her, I’ve had to make the decision to go no contact as it relates to the kids. The kids obviously cannot go to see their grandma this summer due to the virus and also until we get confirmation that no contact will remain intact. This sucks because the kids love their paternal grandma and she’s an awesome person who deserves to see the kids, but it’s not in the cards this summer and I feel guilty because I want them to have a relationship with their grandmother, great uncles, and American cousins.

At home, we haven’t killed each other yet, but some days it’s getting close. My mom is recovering well from her health issues, but now we have to push through to get her back to day to day normalcy, which is hard and stressing me out. I feel super selfish, but we are most definitely not going to Vegas, barring a miracle. I was so excited and now it’s not happening and I’m really sad. But I feel selfish. People are losing their homes, people are dying, losing their jobs, I’m struggling to stay caught up and I’m bummed about my vacation. It’s a dumb, first world problem and I’m awful for being upset.

However, I keep reminding myself that we’ve been through tough times before and we’ve made it through as long as we stay positive. Before I got my job with my company almost seven years ago, we were on the verge of losing everything because I was unemployed and the dad wasn’t contributing. I had to pawn all of my jewellery and my DVD player to keep us fed and housed. But, I persevered, kept looking, found work and recovered. If we keep practicing social distancing, we will be able to return to work and I can get caught up and things will feel normal again. It sucks because everyone is struggling and your mental health takes a hit when you feel alone and like you’re the only one who’s stuck and can’t get ahead. But we’re all feeling it right now; we just need to keep doing our best and push ourselves to do things to make us feel normal. So, whether it’s work from home, exercise, Netflix, or meditation. The more we embrace new normal, the better things will be when life returns to normal and we can hug our friends again.

I hope you’re all doing okay. I know this super sucks but it’ll pass soon enough. Until then, find your happy, whether it’s cooking, exercising, or watching anime while drinking White Claw. Whatever works for you. But stay safe and stay home so we can all see each other again.

2016

Hey there all you cool cats and kittens, how y’all holding up on quarantine day 672?!

Yeah, I totally watched Tiger King. Mostly because I HAD LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Also, it’s a train wreck and awful and right up my alley. But in all seriousness, how y’all doing? Still good? Found something good to watch on TV? Worked out? Played Jenga? Completely cracked the fuck up yet? COOL ME TOO.

It has been a damn week. I’m really worried about finances while I work from home. Like, genuinely scared. I’m a single parent and not receiving any support. The dad told me “you’re on your own,” when I asked for some financial help, then whined that he doesn’t even own an Xbox. Meanwhile, I’m worried that I’ll fall behind on bills to support our kids. My mom went through some major health issues this week (unrelated to COVID-19) and the kids and I had little support from our family. My friends stepped up to be my support system because they’re the best. The kids are doing their best and their teachers have been amazing, running conference calls to help them learn and grow. But I’m working from home and helping them and trying to keep the house clean and the kids alive and be mom, daughter, therapist, teacher, manager, and I’m really tired and really scared.

I’m trying my best. I’m working out, I’m meal planning (at one point my Snapchat was MHC’s dinner hour), we have family movie night. But the reality is I’m tired and I’m scared that I won’t be able to afford our home or bills or I’ll get laid off. I’m scared my mom is gonna have another health issue. I’m scared we’re all gonna crack up. It’s a lot to handle on your own & I’ve never felt more alone. I’m a social person and we are on week three of quarantine. When times got tough, I could always take a break and go to the gym or out with a friend, but now, it’s sit at home and obsess & it’s so easy to fall into the mental health trap of doom and gloom. Not gonna lie, I’m in full doom and gloom. All of this is hard and it’s even harder when you’re doing it alone. When you’re the parent, you have to stay strong and you can’t show them anything but super mom. It’s even harder when you don’t get that moment to feel afraid or vulnerable because they’re watching you every second, relying on you to make it okay. There’s no turning it off and you feel burned out and like an empty vessel with nothing left.

So, I try to stay positive by looking for the little things that can bring me joy even when everything feels bleak. For example, I’m super grateful that WrestleMania is still happening because for a few hours, I get stupid fun entertainment.

I’m also super looking forward to sitting on my porch and drinking spicy margaritas with my friends when this is over.

I’m optimistic that Vegas may still happen. I’m excited to go back to work, hopeful that my customers will have a new found appreciation for wireless devices, I know I have. This baby is keeping me connected with the outside world. It’s my lifeline right now and I don’t know what I’d do without it. I’m appreciative of everyone from grocery store workers to teachers and nurses who have done so much to help everyone, and we have a leader who’s doing his best to help us. It’s not much, but it’s something that will get us through this. Finally, every night I focus my energy on reminding myself that I can do this and we will be okay.

Even though everything feels hard and scary, and it’s day eleventy million of quarantine, I’m trying my best to stay positive so I can be a good role model to my girls, a strong presence for my family, and keep the crazy to a six out of ten so I can be ready when the time comes to go back to work. I hope you’re doing the same. Just keep on going. It’ll all work out and it’ll all be okay. Just stay home, focus on your family and yourself, and do your best to stay positive during the never ending isolation. Also, it’s okay to admit you’re scared or overwhelmed. I struggle so hard with that, but part of being mentally well is admitting we aren’t. So, right now, I’m not doing so fantastic, but I hope eventually it’ll be okay.