Category: MH vs Dating

Water Under The Bridge

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I suppose I address the elephant in the room of my life. Well, elephants in the room. 

1. I got offered a legit writing job if I’m willing to relocate to a rural town with a population of 5300.   

2. I turned it down because I’m afraid to learn to drive. 

The truth is that I want to write very much. I want to work in my field. But I’m not sure that I’m willing to move my family (again) to do it. This was a big risk & we’re only a little under six months in. I need to give the girls stability. I’m just starting to feel comfortable here. I’m finally making friends, my relationship is wonderful. The girls are happy here & I feel like I need to be in a major city with an airport to make it easier for the dad to visit. After a long talk with my friend Heather, I realized that this is not something I can do right now. 

I said I was going to cry melodramatic tears, but I didn’t. I was pissed, but not gutted. I’m working on a magazine article that I’m really excited about. I pitched the whole thing & I devoted every free second to getting it right. I honestly love magazine writing far more than I enjoy newspapers. I don’t know if I could be happy at a newspaper, as so much of my work is with magazines. Maybe that’s where I belong, and the genres are so different. 

I came out here to focus on becoming a full time writer, but in the last six months, my focus has shifted slightly to improving my personal life, which wasn’t how it was supposed to go, but is not a bad thing at all. I’ve committed myself to being a better parent & person & providing financial stability to the girls. I’ve built a solid relationship with someone I love beyond reason who makes me so happy & I just want to make happy in return. Even though my family has been at the forefront, my portfolio is still growing, however, my focus has been on making my life work more than my career. Maybe that’s what I need to do right now. 

My oldest daughter snapped when she heard me talking on the phone about it, said we need to stay here & I need to marry my boyfriend & keep life as it is. She’s right that I do need to stay here, the rest we can figure out as we go. I need to focus on improving my body of work & actually buying a car, to improve my employability. But the thought of driving paralyzes me. I’m afraid of being in a thing that can kill you where I’m responsible for the lives of my children whilst sharing the road with lunatics. But it’s holding me back from my dream job. However, I don’t know how to shake that fear. Therapists couldn’t. My friends telling me to “suck it up,” didn’t help. I really dunno what to do. I guess that’s something I need to work on.   

But I guess the big change is that I used to want any journalism job. Any one would do & I’d cross the planet to find it. Now, I want to show my girls that you keep working, but also be smart. They have their lives to think about too. Take the steps to build your dream & go for it. For me, it’s keep improving as a writer & learn to drive a damn car & maybe some empathy about my fear of driving the damn car. If I took a job at a small town paper, I wouldn’t be happy. The girls would miss their friends & school. I’d miss my love (although if I was offered a job at a major magazine in a larger city, I would take it & we’d have to figure out the distance and he loves me enough to support me). I’ve become more & more jaded about news reporting thanks to the election coverage. I prefer to write for magazines, as those stories have more heart. I can take heart in the fact that I am talented enough to be offered those jobs, but smart enough to know they aren’t right for me & my portfolio. 

In the interim, I can be proud of my latest article. I worked hard & I think it’s really good. And I have my blog, and people like it. I do appreciate your emails & comments, telling me that I just explained how your mind works or whatever. It’s neat. Maybe, as long as I have an audience & an outlet, I’ll be happy. And maybe sleep, as late night writing is never very good for you.  

 

Focus

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

When I went home to visit, I swore that I wouldn’t want to come back. 

After all, I had been so incredibly homesick that I was sure I’d be so happy to be home that I would start plotting my return. But, by day three, I missed my littles & my love & even my cat. I texted my boss saying I was excited to come back to work. I was working on an article. I was ready to go back to “real life,” while also trying to stuff my best friend in a suitcase.  

Aren’t my friends beautiful?
 

It definitely wasn’t because I wasn’t having fun. I was having a blast! My friends & I had the best time. There were drinks (including my boyfriend buying me a drink from two time zones away, because he’s adorable), Cards Against Humanity, bad movies & great conversation. But, with the exception of my old gym, where I felt right back at home, I realized that life moves on when you do & my place is in Cow Province. 

 

Oh, and I did this thing
 
My best friend is planning her own cross country venture. My other girlfriend is running a business with her husband. Everyone has their lives now & we’re settling into them. And me? My life is here, with my littles & my writing & (at the risk of scaring myself back into my groundhog hole & him away) my love. I’m stealing his words to explain how I feel about my life, I hope I don’t get sued for plagiarism. One night, I asked him to find more time for me, then promptly apologized because I am me & he is busy & works so hard. I told him I didn’t want him to take away from his actual life for me, to which he told me that his daughter & I are his “actual life,” and as long as he has us, that’s what matters. Visiting is fun, but I want to live my actual life with my daughters & my writing & with him because that’s the life that matters. 

I like my job. I make good money & my team is super rad. The Federal Election jaded me on my profession quite a bit, with their political bias, so I could be content freelancing for magazines while I work full time…for now. I still apply, but I could be content having the best of both worlds like Hannah Montana did back in the day. My girls are such awesome tiny people & I feel like I’m setting a good example. It’s not perfect, but it is my actual life & it’s pretty rad.  

More beautiful friends…& a bitch
 
But the best part of being home was talking to my friends about their lives. My best friend is so excited about her potential opportunity. She’d have a new position & better earning potential & she’d be really happy. My other close girlfriend & her husband are so deeply in love & it’s so awesome. My other girlfriend is helping her family find a new office for her family law firm. My former coworker & his girlfriend just bought a house together. My old coaches are thriving in their personal and professional lives. I believe the best part of life is watching others succeed & seeing so many of my friends thriving in their lives warms my heart. Keep on kicking ass my dearest friends, even if I didn’t get to see you. I love that you’re all living life & killing it. I loved catching up with all of you. 

And for me, it was a nice break from the stress of balancing motherhood, working two jobs, a personal life & sanity. My kids were safely in the care of the person that I trust most in this world. I got to enjoy much needed grownup time with all of my most favourite people. But when it was over, it was nice to cuddle up with the person I love most in the world & prattle away about my vacay (while half asleep) as we drove home…

…back to my awesomely awesome “actual life.”

  

While We’re Young

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Have you ever just looked at your life & thought “yup, this is kind of rad?” 

That’s me right now. 

I’m working on the coolest assignment for one of the magazines I work for. I’m really good at my new job & I love my coworkers (and I won’t lie, one of the managers is like, ridiculously hot), the girls are doing well in school, and I have never been more content in a relationship. I don’t even stare at my surroundings and wish I was at home anymore. This feels like home now. Of course, I’ll also be home with my best friends in just a few days. I may only have $150 to spend while I’m there, but I’ll be home God Dammit. It’s going to be nice.  

I’ll be seeing these peeps!
 

But I’m feeling very settled into my life. I don’t know if settled is the right word, but it’s the only one I can think of. But my life feels very much the way it should be I guess. Things that used to freak me out don’t bother me anymore. I just feel like the pieces are falling into place & life is really kind of rad. 

I guess it’s nice because for years I’ve tried to piece my life together & it never seemed to work. My professional life would be good, but my personal life was a mess. Or my personal life would be good but I wouldn’t have a job. Or there would be chaos in my life. Things weren’t just chill & calm & dare I say easy. Things right now have challenges, like my commute can be long & a pain in the ass, but they’re all things that have an easy fix. My bills are paid, my family is healthy & I’m in a healthy relationship with someone that loves me as much as I love them & I feel very much in control of my future.   

I guess I feel very fortunate right now, because even though things are busy & sometimes stressful, my life is actually so lovely. My girls are thriving here. They’re doing well at school & have made positive friends & they no longer feel dejected when their dad doesn’t bother to call or text. I guess my best friend Melissa was right; the abandonment is easier to swallow when he’s two time zones away, not in the next city where he could easily pick them up & he just doesn’t. They don’t even ask about him coming for Xmas anymore. They’re focused on their own lives & not that he’s chosen not to be part of it. I’m really enjoying my writing here. My audience really likes what I’m doing. Now that I’m focusing on friendships here, I feel like I have some connections. I know restaurants now. This seems stupid, but I love being able to tell my boyfriend “this place has great wings, remember? Let’s go there.” And my boyfriend shows me how much he loves me in a million small ways. He works so many long hours, devotes his free time to his daughter, but still finds time to spend with me to make me happy. Even when I know he’s exhausted, he still plans date nights for us, or picks me up from work to give us 20 minutes together. He’s so kind and thoughtful, he spoils me, is attentive to my feelings, and for the first time in the four years that I have loved him, I feel like we are equals. He’s not afraid to be blunt with me. And I don’t feel like he’s going to leave me any second. I feel loved & every time he does something that seems so small to the outside world to make me smile, I fall even more in love with him. And for the first time, normal relationship things, like him spending the night with me doesn’t scare me. It just feels like that’s how it should be. 

I don’t feel like an island anymore. I have good friends who are a lot of fun. I am starting to finally enjoy my new gym. I feel like I belong here in Cow Province & this is home. 

 

My #YEG friends are totally rad.
 
So, for once in my life, I’m not going to be afraid of the future, what could go wrong, panic & fear, because my life is just so good. Every single thing about it is good. And I’m going to just enjoy how awesome my life is & look forward to the next chapters…& seeing my friends in a week. 

 

Hello

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

I think I’m finally starting to settle into my life. 

I’ve decided to make the next focus of my life here to establish a set of friends, more of my own interests & a continued focus on the interests I do have. Crossfit. I’ve started reading, something I used to really enjoy until my ex husband mocked my book choices (while my favourites are classics & The Hunger Games, I often favour VC Andrews style brain trash. However, I’m currently reading Harry Potter). My oldest friend Gleason has suggested meditation & I am enjoying it. I’m doing yoga again.  Sometimes I worry that almost every aspect of my life here revolves around my mate. I must stress how absolutely grateful I am that he was here for me during my transition to Alberta. He has been so supportive. But he’s often my only adult companion. He & I now work in the same building. I do not ever want him to see me as someone he needs to take care of or protect. It’s important to me to keep our relationship, myself & him healthy, which means maintaining separate interests, giving ourselves some space sometimes, etc. I cannot stress how much I fear being dependent on anyone, so I really need to maintain my own identity, and allow him his. This doesn’t mean that I’m not in love & excited for our future, but I always want us to be equals. The best way to do that is to continue to build a strong life for myself & my girls, so that I will always feel like I am doing my best to be my best. I think you should allow yourself time to miss each other sometimes. And, if the two of you are capable of building lives for yourselves, imagine how strong the foundation will be when you start joining them together! 

Also, it’s important for me to start building relationships & a life here. It’s important that I start forging ahead & making this place home. So, I’m doing that. There is nothing wrong with focusing on oneself. I always want to try and learn how to be better, more loving, kinder, treat people better. I want to always be somehow better than I was yesterday, while I get comfortable in my own skin. Most importantly, I am the mother of daughters. I want to teach them that women are strong and capable of doing anything. I want them to see that you can be an independent bad ass, and even when you’re with someone, a good man will support your desire to do well, not hinder you.  But as I focus on making this place home, I’ve noticed I’m becoming a lot more comfortable allowing people into my personal life. I’m comfortable with him interacting with my closest friends (Erica is so happy to have someone to sports with, as I don’t sports), I’m comfortable with photos (but very few) on my social media (thanks to some friends asking my best friend at work about my love life).  I’m slowly letting the walls I built up so high for so long down…

…this is lies. They didn’t come down slowly. They crashed to the ground. 

The past two weeks were the first time in years that I was suddenly without walls. Everyone knew me before I met them. All of my nervous talking too much or just plain idiocy couldn’t be hidden because I was a faceless new person. And EVERYONE knew everything about me; how many kids I have, who I date, when I moved here, my journalism career & I felt very naked & exposed & just plain terrified.  I wanted my walls back. I wanted the safety they bring. But they were gone. I had spent years making sure that all anyone knew about me was parenting, fitness & cell phones. I maintained a very detached personality. People didn’t know about my personal life, my feelings, anything but I had kids, went to the gym & hated geese. But nope. All gone. And that scared me so much.  But after the panic, I felt…okay. Better than okay. I felt pretty awesome. I wasn’t really afraid of anything; losing, being left alone. It was more of a “this is my life now, so let’s keep making it work for me.” I felt confident about things I hadn’t felt confident about in years. Perhaps the fear that holds me back from truly being happy was trapped in the walls that I built to “protect myself” from pain. I still won’t invite people into my relationship, as there isn’t room for you with the kids & penguins and such, but if you ask, I won’t change the subject anymore. I’m going to start letting (select) people in. But vampires still can’t come in. They aren’t invited. 

I guess the lesson here is when you build walls to keep from getting hurt, you keep all the horrible feelings inside. The hurt, the mistrust, the fear. You also make it impossible for anyone to love you, as no one should have to work to tear those walls down. Eventually, they’ll feel like they’ll never get through to you & give up. By letting them go, I feel more confident about my future than I ever have & it’s really nice to no longer have that nagging feeling that it’s all going to go away. 

And somewhere, Erica is saying she told me so. Whatever.   

Distance

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I envy you chill people who never worry about anything. 

As someone who has long suffered from anxiety, I envy how you can just adapt to new situations. I wish I was that person more than you know, because I can’t. 

If I switch jobs, I panic because I’m back on probation & could end up unemployed & then what happens to my girls?

If I move, I worry about how I’ve ruined my life. 

When I’m in a relationship, I worry that if I’m anything less than the perfect, understanding girlfriend, he will leave. 

If I’m ever the unpleasant, bitchy friend that doesn’t want to hang out or isn’t completely understanding, I will have no support system. 

Welcome to my mind. 

Generally my mind is a happy world of unicorns & rainbows & everyone is happy. Kind of like the world of UniKitty in the Lego Movie. I revel in positivity.  I pride myself on my optimism. I just want to be happy & for everyone around me to be happy. 

my spirit animal

But then there is the other side that I control with fitness, nutrition & sleep (all of which I haven’t been keeping up with) that becomes terrified that everything will go wrong. The side that overthinks, over analyzes, reads too much into things & seemingly sabotages her own life. 

I remember on Saturday apologizing to my boyfriend for feeling overwhelmed & struggling to explain why all change freaks me out, and not being able to. I apologized for wanting time alone with him & even last night I was talking about why I shouldn’t ask for much from anyone because I can go through periods of anxiety & they can be taxing. Yes, they can. And I love my good friends & family so much because they’re there when I need them. And it works in reverse. I love that my boyfriend understands why I get this way & loves me enough to see that the person I am, that loves him so much & tries to be good to him means more than the fact that I struggle with trust. But I shouldn’t have to devalue myself or apologize for feeling a certain way. But I do. And I need to stop. 

I am not perfect. I am never going to be. But I’m pretty rad. I would like to think I’m a decent parent. I would like to think I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good partner & treat my boyfriend the way he deserves. I absolutely deserve to be happy. And yes, nothing about my life was what it was four months ago. And yes, that scares me. Sometimes it scares me a lot. But I would like to think all of the good that I offer far outweighs the times that I’m anxious & scared. And I’m tired of apologizing. 

Women are conditioned to apologize for EVERYTHING.  We apologize for wanting random flowers or to be told we’re loved (I pride myself on being the anti-girl, but sometimes I want those things). I actually apologized for being alive this week. We’re taught it’s to defer power, but I don’t want to defer mine anymore. I’m a little nuts. That’s okay. But I’m not sorry. It happens & the more I try to pretend it doesn’t, the more it happens & the more I write about trying to fix it, the less it gets fixed. So, I’m going to accept it while continuing to do the things I know that help; fitness, nutrition & proper sleep. Oh, and the power of positivity.  I’m not going to worry about what if, I’ll focus on what is. And that is what I tell myself when I feel this way, that I have three rad kids, awesome friends, an amazing boyfriend, a job, a roof & a skill I’m passionate about. And I’m not going to hide from anxiety anymore. I’m going to be friends with it. I’m going to hang out with it, let it have its voice, but also explain that the other emotions need to be in control, like Joy. But most importantly, I’m not going to apologize anymore. I’m MHC & I’m too damn nice. I talk too much & I care way too much about current events & pop culture & sometimes I worry about nothing. But I refuse to keep trying to stifle the thing that sucks to try & be perfect, because then I’m not giving the people I love a chance to love me for me. 

So, here’s your chance kids. 

  

Stay With You

by maryhelenc, posted in Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

As I’m starting to settle into my life here, I’m realizing that I need to scale back on my social media.

Last night, my daughter asked if our cat could have an Instagram, and my older daughter is now the cat’s social media manager. This kind of made me realize how dependent we have become on social media. Maybe we are way too invested in it, keep people on our Facebook accounts that we don’t like for no apparent reason or we post our whole lives, etc. 

 

feel free to follow my asshole cat @peachy.the.cat
 
I’m super guilty of this, especially since the move. I’m on social media & blogging far more than I used to, mostly to stay connected. But perhaps I’m also inviting negativity into my home, which is causing me unnecessary anxiety. I am blessed with amazing friends. I am also friends with those who love to be right, at the expense of my happiness under the guise of helping. And by inviting people into my personal life as much as I do, perhaps I’m allowing them access to make me feel less than happy with my life. 

I refuse to walk on eggshells. I want my life to be positive and joyful & happy. So, I’ve started distancing myself from people who do not make me happy, including family members. If you do not contribute to my life, my home in a positive way, then you are welcome to leave. I know who contributes positively to my life; Erica, my best friends Melissa, Doug, Sarah, Gleason, Bree & Damanda. My brother. My boyfriend. All of these people enrich my life & make it better. Crossfit enhances my life. But, my heavy social media presence is allowing others to analyze my life. Same with my blog. I write because, to be honest, I don’t have much else to do. But perhaps I need to be more mindful about what I put out there. I write about my failings because I’m human. I feel like being honest about my humanness will help people see me the way I want to be seen; as a resilient, beautiful, kind hearted person who is not perfect. And they can love me in my imperfections, because people on pedestals fall down. I just want to be a regular person who tries her best & makes mistakes & is deeply loved by those she loves. And those I don’t know personally can take some refuge in the fact that others are not perfect either. But, I also don’t want to be analyzed like a specimen or my blog used as a substitute to engage with me. Maybe I invite that by writing about my life so candidly. So, perhaps I need to scale back my social media involvement & keep more of my life offline. 

Maybe this is a sign that I’m finally starting to embrace this as home. I don’t need my lifelines at home to make me feel connected to human beings. I have a great life here, I was just too afraid to see it, because I was afraid to lose it. I love my work. The stuff I’m writing is so cool. And I’m building contacts, which will help me later.  I’ve gotten rave reviews for some of my articles & even my editor is impressed by my growth as a writer. My kids love it here so much. They love their school & their friends. I’m making friends. My new job is both exciting and terrifying. And for the first time ever, I’m really happy in a relationship & I’m not analyzing every move wondering if it’s gonna fall apart. I trust him completely & it’s such a good feeling to know you’re with someone & they make you happy & even months later you’re happy & you’re content with where you are. I have never had this & it scared me, but now I’m just so happy. And maybe, because I’m settling into my life, I don’t really need to advertise on social media that I’m doing well. Maybe I just want to do well. 

 

Maybe I need to focus more on this instead of social media
 
However, social media is an addicting thing, so I’ll probably still post on my FB, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr & Snapchat (all of which you can find &  follow by clicking here), but less frequently. I want to catch up with friends, but we can text. And if we can’t text, maybe we aren’t that super close. Either way, I will not damage my happy life with doubts or negativity. I’ve worked too hard to make my life epic. Even if you don’t agree, just be happy with me, because that’s what I want for everyone I know. 

 

Gold in the Summertime

by maryhelenc, posted in Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

I’ve started to realize that when you’re in love with someone, there are various types of love.

There’s the super giddy, romantic, “Oh my God you are so incredibly perfect,” love. There is the super sad “I miss you so very much” love. There is the unconditional love that comes from realizing your lover isn’t perfect but you embrace their flaws. There is the friendship love that comes before you are in love, and now I’ve discovered a new one;

The “I like living my life with you” love.

It’s no secret that I don’t do relationships well. Or commitment. Or love. Or anything involving feelings. I hate feelings. They’re dumb. They make me anxious. They freak me out. Just the mere mention of marriage makes my teeth clench up a little bit. However, I’ve realized that I’ve always skipped steps in relationships & I don’t want to skip them anymore. I want to enjoy every single phase of my life with this person & let things evolve organically. 

Previously, my relationships were fast paced. I was engaged after three weeks. We didn’t live together before the wedding, but we worked together and he was at my house pretty much every waking second except to sleep…and all we did was fight. Or I cried about the fighting. So, I always equated that part of a relationship where the honeymoon stage ends and you just get comfortable as “omg he’s losing interest, he doesn’t love me anymore because we’re not all lovey dovey and pukey and what is wrong?” Or “Dear God, what happens if we get in a fight? It’ll get violent or ugly or he’ll leave!” I was terrified for the chaos, the fighting, the violence. The only love I’ve known was chaotic, except for the person I am with now. I didn’t know how to effectively convey that I was afraid of that and I had never been in a relationship that just progresses when we are ready and not because it was essential. My friends at the time were all fast movers when it comes to love, so they too had skewed views of relationships. The questions of “it’s been six months, have you had the talk about where this is going?” This exacerbated my fears of what marriage represents to me, which is fighting and anger and a loss of identity. My married friends tell me that the right person will fix all of these things. But why do they need fixing? I feel like the right person gets that the piece of paper just freaks be out. I don’t want to talk about it, I want to live life until we’re ready to make a change. And my love should mean more than a piece of paper that signifies commitment. Does that really make me selfish? 

Anywho, I’m rambling on. Let me get back to my point.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve spent time with my partner doing domestic-type stuff. We bought a table from Ikea for my home & put it together. He drove me to the gym. We spent a good hour laying in each other’s arms not talking, just enjoying that moment. I enjoyed it immensely, but it helped me realize something very important; that I finally understand that comfortable “I’m in love with you, but I genuinely just enjoy your company,” kind of love.

I am crazy about my significant other. There is no one else I would rather be with. He is smart, he’s funny, he doesn’t find my random bouts of panic or crazy frustrating, he thinks they are just a part of who I am. He’s loving and kind. He listens when I talk. He’s affectionate. He knows how I think. He respects my boundaries and understands that my fears when it comes to love are very real and he’s patient enough to walk through them with me. But I have no desire to marry him. I have no desire to change any aspect of this right now. I love right now. Right now is wonderful. We are building our respective careers. I am adjusting (sometimes very poorly) to my new province. I want to work on my portfolio and learn to drive & have built a successful career at my day job. I like that I get my space to do my own thing sometimes. But I no longer fear the “this is good, let’s stay here.” I like here. I like that here will progress when we are ready to move from here and it’s okay that I have no idea when that will be. Truthfully, I don’t want to know, I don’t really think about it, I want to be just as surprised as you are. I like random days of nothing. I like that we don’t talk every day, but when we do we pick up the conversation right where we left off. I like that we can talk about everything from our careers to our deepest thoughts, or laugh about stupid things.

 

❤️
 
But mostly, I like that I’m not afraid.

For the first time in my romantic history, I am not afraid. I cannot promise that this will continue forever, or even until next week, but in this exact moment, I am not afraid. I am not afraid of the future, because I know who I’ll be with. I’m not afraid of the present because it’s a really lovely present. I’m not afraid of the past because I know things are very different now, not just with him, but with me. I was afraid, but when I was overwhelmed with my life & terrified that he’d leave, I turned to him & he listened & helped me feel loved & for the first time in my romantic life, I feel safe. I understand that men resent this label, but I think it would be the best thing. I feel secure with this person. He builds me up. Celebrates my accomplishments, from fitness (even though he thinks Crossfit is dumb) to my career. He helps make me the woman I want to be. And I’m really happy with him. And because I am happy, I want to enjoy being happy. I don’t need to change anything. Not every moment needs to lead to something deeper. Sometimes it’s just a good day or a great conversation. 

You can love someone very much, you can know you belong with them, but also not be ready for the end result. I always thought there was something so wrong with that, but now I know there isn’t. I know who I should spend my life with, but that doesn’t mean that has to start right now. Right now, I just want right now. I don’t just love my boyfriend; I like him. I like his company. I like talking to him about mundane, day to day things. I like joking with him. I like that I can tell him anything & vice versa. I like all the coupley stuff we do. But I learned that not every relationship needs to be a whirlwind. Sometimes it can just be a gentle breeze that guides you along, and that suits me just fine.

Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

After the week of suck, I’ve done something I haven’t done in a long time;

I broke down. 

There was an attempted robbery at work. My teenage daughter is so resentful of her dad’s lack of interest in her life that she has decided she never wants to talk to him again & won’t pick up if he calls anymore. My hip has been injured so I’ve been hurting. My youngest has been ill and I had  to ask my eldest to leave school early to watch her until I got home. By the end of my shift, I was just miserable. I ended up crying all night, feeling isolated and alone. I felt like I’m alone in the universe, with no real friends here. For years, I’ve handled everything on my own like some kind of warrior, and every one tells me how I’m so strong. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I just wanted someone to shoulder a part of the load with me. 


I cried all night. I cried all morning. I just didn’t want to be homesick or alone anymore. I didn’t want to be the single mom who handles all the decisions. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t even want to be a parent for an hour, because I don’t get the luxury of being a parent when I want women to think I’m sensitive or because my parents ask where my kids are. I was literally broken. 

But I learned I wasn’t really alone. My best friend Melissa texted me until very late her time trying to help me feel better. My other best friend Erica, my Texan PIC called me from the road enroute to Dallas for surgery to check in. And my wonderful boyfriend sat on the phone with me for an hour, despite being sick as 100 dogs to remind me that he loves me, he is right here in the city and he will do his best to make this easier. My mommy message board told me how hard I was trying. My oldest friend Gleason offered encouragement & Damanda offered to book my flight home hahaha. 

  
Suddenly, I realized that while I am far away from most people, I’m not really “alone.” I have the best friends in the world who are still right by my side even though they are a zillion miles away. I have friends I’ve never physically met who are always there. I have a loving & gentle man who always knows how to deal with my bouts of lunacy in a way that makes me feel safe & loved. He protects me by reminding me that I can do anything, but on days when life beats me down, he’ll be there to help me back up. I am a very fortunate person. And that helped remind me that while it can be a hard road, I’m the only role model for these three girls. I’m their only parent, their lifeline. I’ve gotta get up & put on pants & kick the world’s ass until I’m the most amazing MHC I can be. So I did. 

I may be weathering the storm alone sometimes, but I’m certainly not alone in the trenches. My people are right there with me, whether it’s to calm my addled mind or to tell me I’m the effing sun, like we’re Dr. Meredith Grey & Dr. Cristina Yang, I’ll never really be alone as long as they are there. 

  
 

The Danger In Starting A Fire

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Moving is stupid. Never do it.

Over the last few months, I’ve gone through a plethora of emotions ranging from euphoric to miserable. This past week has just been beyond stupid. I’ve considered closing my blog because I wasn’t comfortable writing about my feelings & I sometimes wonder if I’m using my writing because I’m rather lonely out here in Cow Province & I miss regular chats with friends back home. I had this grand vision that I would get out here & my editor would love my work, I’d land a full time gig & my new gym would be as awesome as my old gym & everything would be perfect.

Yeah, nope. 

Instead I’ve been miserable at my gym, hating my job & trying to overcome years of mistrust in a day. So, I’m homesick & sometimes contemplate just moving home in the spring (my friend Damanda is sending a U-Haul). But, I realize I’m not giving myself any time to adjust to anything. Like, at all. 

I’m such an ambitious little creature, that I assume it’ll be easy to adjust when most people say it takes a year to adjust to a new community. I get better at trusting people, but it’s a process & I can’t rush that process. I’ll warm up to the gym, it’ll take time. There are some cool people & some not cool people. But I’ll get used to it. It’ll never be as awesome as my old gym, but still good. My new job isn’t journalism, but again, new audience, it’s a process. 

I keep trying to rush to get to the part where this feels like home, but it’s gonna take time. The difference is I’m going to allow myself that time to get used to how things are done here. If you’ve ever switched provinces/states, you’ll understand. Some days it just feels weird. And I just want to fit in with the cow people (maybe I should stop calling them cow people). But I realize it’s not as easy for some people. And I’ve got to allow myself time to get used to my life here. It’s okay to feel homesick. It’s okay to feel lonely. It’s okay to miss my gym & my friends & DECENT DAMN PIZZA. WHY IS THERE NO GOOD PIZZA?! But I kept trying to think it was wrong to go through periods of sadness. My birthday was a great day, but I’ve been lonely ever since. It was the first year it wasn’t a clusterfuck, which was nice. But it was also the first year I didn’t have belated drinks with Melissa, or dinner with Rena & Damanda. And it was just kind of sad. And over the past few days, as things have been sucky, I realized how much I missed having nearby friends who could watch the older kids while I took the littlest to the Voodoo Witch Doctor, as she’s allergic to every medication ever made, or Bree hugs. Or the fact that people here call shopping carts baskets. NO. THEY ARE SHOPPING CARTS.  But I didn’t want to adjust to the culture shock. I wanted to be awesome. Now, I’m going to focus on making Cow Province my home…& maybe stop calling it Cow Province. 

***However, I have only seen geese once, so good job Cow Province****

  
Same with everything else, I need to give myself time to open up, time to build trust, time to get comfortable. And it’s okay to want to do that slowly. It’s okay to not want to rush. It’s okay to have moments of doubt or fear. All of these things are fine. People who love me understand why I’m a bit batty & love me anyway. They get it & will let me muddle through on my own until I get to a place where I can fully trust people the way I want to. But it takes time. 

  
The good thing about time is we have a lot of it. Every day is another day to make awesome. So, that’s what I will do. Make tomorrow awesome. And the next day. And the next. But the only way to make this place home is to work on it. So, I’m going to put up curtains, pictures & BUY A DAMN KITCHEN TABLE NEXT WEEK. I’m very excited about my table. And each day I wake up I’ll feel better & better about living here, until one day, it’s home. And everything else will come in time, so I won’t rush the process anymore. 

  

My Life For Hire

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

It’s time for me to admit something about who I am as a person in the hopes that admitting it will help me grow from it. I don’t like admitting that I have flaws, or that I’m anything less than the most bad ass person on the planet. But if one of my best friends can be open about his bipolar diagnosis & work to recover, then I can accept my flaws. 

Ladies & gentlemen, I am a very damaged person & I have trust issues. 

I trust exactly four people in this world. Everyone else, I try, but I struggle. I refuse to blame my past relationship failures because then I’m giving them the power to continue to hurt me & I choose my destiny, not the things that went wrong.  It’s something I need to work on & I don’t actually know how. 

  
I build my life & I get to a point where I’m happy, really happy. The past few weeks have been awesome. I’m getting back into my gym groove. The kids love school. My eldest is taking her grades seriously & seeing results. I’ve accepted a new job that is a lot like my Target job. I’m excited because my bank account should be back where I was last year, where I don’t have to constantly tell the girls “I’m sorry, we can’t afford it.” My birthday was incredibly lovely & I’ve never been happier or more content in my relationship. 

But I’ll admit it’s hard when some of my best friends at home text once a week and ask if he’s left yet, because they’ve got their “I told you so” all ready. It chips away at the fragile trust I build in anyone & suddenly I question everything & my mind starts thinking;

Why did you hire me? Are you really going to promote me if I’m good, or are you going to wait six months & then the company will close. 

Why do you keep saying you love me & you’re here for good? We both know you’re lying. Please just go & get it over with, but please don’t actually go. 

Why are you my friend if you seem to delight in my potential misery? Why can’t you be happy for me?

I refuse to blame the marriage. I refuse to blame what happened before. This is me. But how do you tell someone that while you feel completely safe & at ease with them, they make you extremely happy & you trust them as much as you can, btw I still worry you’re going to walk out on me the minute I’m not the most understanding or nicest person alive. Can you please have enough patience to give me time & understanding & let me go two steps forward & one step back while I figure out how to navigate sharing my life with you. How do you tell friends you don’t invite them into the more personal parts of your life because you don’t trust them to be happy for you. You’ll just hurt their feelings. 

Erica always tells me it’s normal to feel this way, after all, trauma doesn’t go away because you’ve come to terms with it. But no one wants someone that’s damaged & has baggage & doesn’t really know how to be happy without wondering when it’s all going to go to Hell, even though we all have baggage. So, I need to come to terms with my own insecurities about my job, my parenting, my life, my relationships so I can rebuild the trusting part of me that I lost over the years. 

So, I started to do just that. I focused on meditation & yoga, also to heal a strained hip flexor that has plagued me for a week. I compiled a list of all the things that scare me about being with someone. Then I laughed at it because 99% of it was ridiculous. I reminded myself that I may not trust everyone, but I trust the right people. My closest friends love & respect me. My boyfriend absolutely loves me & understands how I got this way & will let me figure it out, but wants to help me get there. He isn’t going to leave me because he loves me, crazy and all. And my own gut instincts tell me I am fine. My life is beautiful. My new job will be successful & my writing career will continue to flourish & once my hip stops throbbing, I’ll continue to focus on health & be a bad ass MHC. 

But the thing is that we always expect someone to fix us, make us better, etc. But I don’t want that. I want to make me better. I want to be comfortable with trusting people for myself, not for my friends or my boyfriend or whomever. So, it’s a struggle sometimes. But I guess admitting it is the first step to moving forward. And the best way to learn if you can trust someone is to trust them, and every day I get better. There will be moments of doubt or whatever, but the more time I put in with someone, the more the doubt will go away. 

So, I’ll keep doing what I do; focus on my happiness & making my family & partner happy. And trolling Erica about baseball. And Crossfit. And making every day the raddest day.