I suppose I address the elephant in the room of my life. Well, elephants in the room.
2. I turned it down because I’m afraid to learn to drive.
The truth is that I want to write very much. I want to work in my field. But I’m not sure that I’m willing to move my family (again) to do it. This was a big risk & we’re only a little under six months in. I need to give the girls stability. I’m just starting to feel comfortable here. I’m finally making friends, my relationship is wonderful. The girls are happy here & I feel like I need to be in a major city with an airport to make it easier for the dad to visit. After a long talk with my friend Heather, I realized that this is not something I can do right now.
I said I was going to cry melodramatic tears, but I didn’t. I was pissed, but not gutted. I’m working on a magazine article that I’m really excited about. I pitched the whole thing & I devoted every free second to getting it right. I honestly love magazine writing far more than I enjoy newspapers. I don’t know if I could be happy at a newspaper, as so much of my work is with magazines. Maybe that’s where I belong, and the genres are so different.
I came out here to focus on becoming a full time writer, but in the last six months, my focus has shifted slightly to improving my personal life, which wasn’t how it was supposed to go, but is not a bad thing at all. I’ve committed myself to being a better parent & person & providing financial stability to the girls. I’ve built a solid relationship with someone I love beyond reason who makes me so happy & I just want to make happy in return. Even though my family has been at the forefront, my portfolio is still growing, however, my focus has been on making my life work more than my career. Maybe that’s what I need to do right now.
My oldest daughter snapped when she heard me talking on the phone about it, said we need to stay here & I need to marry my boyfriend & keep life as it is. She’s right that I do need to stay here, the rest we can figure out as we go. I need to focus on improving my body of work & actually buying a car, to improve my employability. But the thought of driving paralyzes me. I’m afraid of being in a thing that can kill you where I’m responsible for the lives of my children whilst sharing the road with lunatics. But it’s holding me back from my dream job. However, I don’t know how to shake that fear. Therapists couldn’t. My friends telling me to “suck it up,” didn’t help. I really dunno what to do. I guess that’s something I need to work on.
But I guess the big change is that I used to want any journalism job. Any one would do & I’d cross the planet to find it. Now, I want to show my girls that you keep working, but also be smart. They have their lives to think about too. Take the steps to build your dream & go for it. For me, it’s keep improving as a writer & learn to drive a damn car & maybe some empathy about my fear of driving the damn car. If I took a job at a small town paper, I wouldn’t be happy. The girls would miss their friends & school. I’d miss my love (although if I was offered a job at a major magazine in a larger city, I would take it & we’d have to figure out the distance and he loves me enough to support me). I’ve become more & more jaded about news reporting thanks to the election coverage. I prefer to write for magazines, as those stories have more heart. I can take heart in the fact that I am talented enough to be offered those jobs, but smart enough to know they aren’t right for me & my portfolio.
In the interim, I can be proud of my latest article. I worked hard & I think it’s really good. And I have my blog, and people like it. I do appreciate your emails & comments, telling me that I just explained how your mind works or whatever. It’s neat. Maybe, as long as I have an audience & an outlet, I’ll be happy. And maybe sleep, as late night writing is never very good for you.