Current Events – The Misadventures of MHC

Worth It

November 4, 2025November 4, 2025 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, Mommydom, Relationships

Guess what y’all?!

THAT’S RIGHT! YOUR GIRL IS ALL WIFED UP.

I may be married now, but my last name is still the same, so I don’t need to update any branding lol. I’m still just plain old MHC

On a perfect October day, with our kids and closest family and friends as witnesses, my best friend and I promised to share our lives and build a family. I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful day. Everything was perfect. The weather was perfect. The venue was perfect. The celebration was perfect. The person waiting for me at the other end of the aisle is perfect. It was the most magical, low key day I could have imagined and I’m so grateful to all of my friends and family for making it happen. From my beloved husband, who worked so much overtime to make sure the move didn’t derail our wedding, to one of my best friends who drove for four hours with my dream wedding cake, to one of my other best friends who acted as the greatest officiant ever , and everyone who showed up even when my own immediate family didn’t, I felt like the luckiest girl on the planet.

Photo credit: Michal Norbert photography. Cake credit: Sweet Stuff Cakes Edmonton

The day before the wedding felt like a recipe for disaster. I was panicking, had been awake since 5:30am Thursday morning. It rained. The rental was delayed and locked my husband’s credit card in error. My nephew was car sick. A bottle of conditioner leaked on my stepdaughter’s dress. Our appointment to get our license was delayed. The maid of honour was behind schedule. I was so frazzled that I cried when Shoppers sold out of my favourite bottled water. I’m talking ugly sobbing in the car while my husband tried to make me feel better.

I was so convinced that the universe didn’t want us to get married. But as I was exhaustedly trying to hold it all together, everyone I love was helping me relax so I could see it’ll be okay. My best friends brought the cake and also peach water to placate me. Another friend added moonshine to the water and your girl slept like a newborn baby haha. A blow dryer and a damp cloth saved the dress. The Blue Jays won so the rehearsal dinner was a celebration (yes I know what happened next).

By the next morning, I was drinking mimosas with my girlfriends while my daughters and stepdaughter got glammed and I had never been more relaxed in my life. All of the panic and fear was gone. Just cucumber cool. There was only the realization that I was finally going to have the life I imagined for myself when I was 19. Every roadblock, misstep, city I ran away from, bad date, lame job, tinder troll, and tear I shed was to get me to that hotel in Canmore in a white dress with my favourite human being waiting for me. Maybe it was because I was four mimosas deep, or watching my kids and stepkids goofing around and taking pics so happily from the window, or just the emotion of the day, but every single thing I had to go through to get to this place was absolutely worth it.

It was a long road to get here from that first meeting at a party when we were 16 and 18 years old. It was filled with heartache and tears. It was filled with joy and professional success. I went on adventures and made friends who became my family (and I found them all in cell phone stores). I had my heart broken more than a few times. I lost everything and built myself back up from the ashes more times than I’d like to admit. But every single scar and tear and smile and laugh brought me to the place where I was meant to be. And suddenly the concept of matrimony, a lifetime with someone; it no longer felt terrifying. It was the best decision I’ve ever made.

Photo credit: Michal Norbert photography

For once, I wasn’t worried about my weight or my appearance or if I was making everyone happy. I was just in the moment and I finally experienced the feeling of complete happiness I’d read about in books and seen at other people’s weddings. But today it was for me. It was a level of joy I took back into my regular life, as this trip to the mountains was only 48 hours and we have yet to take a honeymoon. That joy radiates in every part of my life now. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I’m still in awe that this is even my life. I have all of the things I used to dream about; family dinners where we ask each other about our days, a family group chat full of jokes and laughs from a kooky blended family that tries to get along, baseball games and wing nights with my father in law (one who actually enjoys my company), standing on my front porch with the knowledge that this is my home, and quiet mornings with my husband in our favourite coffee shop in our sleepy little town.

It’s a feeling I’ve never experienced before. That feeling of wholeness and ease about your own life. There’s no conflict or fighting. There’s no yelling or anger. There’s no feeling of dysfunction or that feeling of being on the outside looking in, feeling like you’re too damaged or broken to be loved or desired by anyone. There’s no quiet resignation to a life that’s empty.

I’m finally home.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

The Ocean Grew Hands to Hold Me

October 2, 2025October 4, 2025 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, When Things Suck Hard, work life

Guess what guys?! I’m getting married in SIXTEEN DAYS!

There’s so many emotions; excitement to see my friends, happiness that I am finally living the life I prayed for when I was 19, concern that every detail will be perfect…

Oh yeah, AND THE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF DREAD!

Don’t worry everyone, I googled it and according to a bunch of wedding websites that both amused and terrified me; THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL! Apparently pre-wedding jitters are totally a thing and I will definitely not try to run away from this wedding (also my fiance has already promised to hide the car keys just in case). It’s weird how the concept of marriage was so abstract and far away, but now that it’s here, it’s kind of terrifying.

The truth is that there’s nothing to be afraid of really. We already live together. We have blended a family and aside from a few hiccups involving a sick cat, the dog eating my glasses, and some growing pains, it’s gone well. I absolutely adore my new stepkids and I’m so impressed by their maturity and patience while my beloved squad of chaos goblins take over their home and lives. We are very different families, but it somehow works. I’m still adjusting to what it means to live with someone. I’m a bit of a control freak and I like things a certain way. My fiancé is kind enough to acquiesce to some of my quirks and demands so that I feel comfortable, and lets me rant about my feelings and need to feel independent without offering advice or suggestions. He’s just a calming presence. I’m not afraid of our life; in fact I rather enjoy it. It’s the fear of this life blowing up that brings about the dread. For my entire teenage and adult life, my fiancé has been my best friend. If this implodes, then I lose my best friend and that terrifies me.

Rational me realizes that is insane. We have navigated so many hurdles to be together; impulsive youth, bad timing, more bad timing, the crazy ex girlfriend incident where he was terrorized by a monster who forced her way into his home and abused him for three years. Then the same crazy ex girlfriend stalking him for years after destroying our home when he finally had to force her out with police. We faced the fear of crossing that line and built a new chapter of our relationship while travelling back and forth across the country. We build a foundation for twenty five years before we crossed that line. Again, WE LIVE TOGETHER. Everything is fine. But yet, in the middle of the night, I worry, what if it all goes to Hell. Of course it doesn’t help that I accepted a new position so I’m navigating a new role in a new city, trying to figure out how to thrive while still navigating my new normal. I’m learning to live with someone, joint finances, how to be a good stepmom, how to be a good mom when I’m out of the house so much more than I used to be, how to be a dog mom, or where the grocery store is. Add in wedding planning, the sick cat, and the dog who ate my glasses, and I’m overwhelmed and possibly overstimulated.

I think I’ve been in fight or flight mode for so long that I don’t know how to just enjoy my life. I’ve waited so long to be truly happy that now I’m not sure what happens next, like those fish in Finding Nemo. Does anyone else feel happy and then wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and then it’ll all be gone, or is that just me? Are these normal feelings to feel sixteen days out from your wedding? Or are these normal feelings from being sleep deprived, still adjusting to a new job, timezone, and town and also getting married in sixteen days?

I’ve realized that I definitely took on more than I can handle over the last three months. This has also made me a bit crazy. This means obsessing about every little issue while my fiancé wishes I was actually normal. He’s definitely glad the wedding will be over in 16 days. But I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. The universe put all of this on me because it knows I can handle all of the crazy changes that have been happening and life will be peaceful once again.

Or it’ll all go to Hell. Either way, it’s all gonna happen regardless so all of the worrying and panicking won’t change a damn thing so I may as well buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

New Lows

August 29, 2025 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

The last few months have been such a whirlwind, and it’s felt like it just never stops.

Nothing is as it was three months ago. My job is different, my address, my home, my car, etc. Nothing is the same. But every time I think I can finally adjust, something new gets thrown into the mix. Something like my cat going missing.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m absolutely obsessed with my cats. I love my cats more than I love most people. If you are reading this, there is a non zero percent chance that I love my cats more than I love you. Truthfully, unless you are one of my kids, my stepkids, my best friend, or my fiancé, there is 100% chance I love my cats more than I love you. So when Tacocat was lost, I LOST MY MIND. I cried every day. I pleaded with neighbours on every Facebook group, and searched every second. My sweet angel fiancé offered a massive cash reward for the safe return of my beloved Tacocat. Even my father in law, who’s not a cat person, helped me look for my beloved Tacocat…and then the little shit just came home like nothing happened! I have never been happier to see anything in my life! My teenager suggested we put AirTags on the cats, and we actually did. So now I know where they are at all times and I feel so much better.

After what seemed like the zillionth crisis in the last three months, I sat on the big comfy couch in my living room watching the rain through the big windows in my living room. I was just enjoying the elements and I finally got to appreciate that I was sitting in MY house, in MY living room, on MY couch. One thing I’ve struggled with is accepting that this is my home. This was my fiancé’s house long before I moved in, and I struggle with imposter syndrome. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life; like when a show recasts the lead with someone else. Sure you accept that recast, but there’s always that part of you that longs for the OG.

One of my struggles to adjust was the idea that I’m a never ending guest in my life. I would get inside my own head and wonder if I deserve this, or did I steal it from someone else? I’m just a weird person who talks a lot, is kind of annoying, and talks to her beloved cats like they’re people. How did I end up in a lake house with a really neat car (with profiles like an Xbox), a blended family, and a man who worships me and makes me feel safe and loved in everything that he does. But there’s a part of me that struggles to get comfortable, wondering if there’s actually supposed to be some other woman laying in my bed watching Drink Masters and enjoying the night air. Should some other women be wearing my ring and driving my car? Am I a stunt double in my own life?

Just in case you forgot how amazing the ring is lmao

It’s really hard to address those feelings when it feels like if it’s not one thing, it’s another fucking thing. It’s my car being delayed, or scrambling to find a job, or my cat being lost. You’re always trying to put out the fire, and you don’t get to navigate your own emotions. That’s been where I’ve been at. I’m not really sure how I feel because I’m not really getting a chance to live, just sort of exist.

But now things are settling down. Tacocat is back and received a clean bill of health from her vet. The kids are going back to school, and I was offered a promotion at my new job. My wedding is under 50 days away, I’m registering at a new gym, and my fiancé and I are finally getting some much needed alone time next week. Life is quieter and it allows me to appreciate that I have the life I have prayed for since I was 19. Three years ago I was so depressed I could barely breathe, and now I have almost everything I could ever ask for. It’s so strange how everything feels hopeless and then one day everything is magical. Maybe one day I’ll actually be able to embrace it and not wonder when the ground will be ripped out from under me.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

People and Things

May 19, 2025May 19, 2025 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom

GUESS WHO IS MOVING AGAIN?!

That’s right!

The fam and I are on the move again!

(Now I know what you’re thinking, bitch we have been over this. Why won’t you stay in one god damn place. You promised us you weren’t gonna randomly move again, what the fuck)

Well let me tell you, it wasn’t the plan! Two months ago I renewed my lease. Five days ago, my landlords let me know they need to sell. The fam and I would have to move. Before I continue, I want to stress there will be no negativity about them. They have been absolutely the most incredible landlords and more people could be like them. They wouldn’t be putting me in this position unless it was an absolute necessity.

But, we are in that position. So, as I frantically get my house ready to show, I’m tired, I’m washing baseboards and walls, and trying to pack and look for something new all at once. I checked the rental market and I would be paying far more than I could afford if I stayed. So, I’ll be moving with my fiancé to our home in Ontario. That’s right folks, I’m actually moving towards something and not away! Someone mark this day down!

Maybe after years of running away and trying this or that, the universe really just wants me to go home. I love Edmonton. It is home to me, but maybe the universe feels differently. The last year has been a happy lesson that you can’t out run what’s meant for you, and maybe this is part of that lesson. For years I’ve run away from my emotions, my feelings, my subconscious fears. I’ve put them in a box and pretended they weren’t real. It worked until my fiancé flew across the country to beg for my affections. He knew all along I was the one, and jokes that it’s not always easy to hit a moving target. Any time I would get too attached, I’d move further away. It’s hard to make someone your wife when they fear commitment and are a bit of a flight risk (which is why he had to ask four times before I finally said yes). But the universe knew we both needed to go on life journeys before we could be together. I needed to find myself away from all of the noise and trauma and I did. The kids and I have evolved into people we like being. I wrote some really great articles. I found my passion for giving back to my community. I learned to stand up for myself and how to advocate for my family. But most importantly, I learned how to do it all on my own. I trusted the journey and I’ve learned the lessons. Maybe now it’s time to go home and start a new journey in a new role as a wife (and whatever job I find in my new town. I can’t bring my Google job. Please someone hire me).

Don’t worry, I genuinely thought about trying to stay or even jetting off to somewhere new. I thought about rural BC (where I could pan for gold or something), maybe another Alberta town. But none of it moved me like it used to. My teenager said that maybe Edmonton wasn’t the reason we did okay. Maybe it was me doing my job as mom and we could do that anywhere, but now I wouldn’t have to work so damn hard. My mom is in long term care and safe. My partner is a successful and intelligent man. We’d finally be a real family with two parents. I wouldn’t be paying rent; I would be living in a home I share with my family. Little pleasures that others take for granted were now a reality; painting bedrooms, planting gardens, hanging up art. No more separation from my partner for weeks on end. Every dream I had for my life since I was 19 was finally going to be a reality because I finally stayed in one place long enough for those dreams to catch up to me. Edmonton has been a magical place where I met my two best friends, I attempted to ski, I found success, and I even finally learned to drive. But now, the universe is telling me that the home I’ve always dreamed of is waiting for me, and it’s time for me to claim it.

I won’t lie; I’m terrified. I haven’t lived with a man for over ten years. What if I’m super set in my ways and won’t budge on anything? What if he doesn’t realize I only like Method cleaning products and I have to sleep on the side of the bed closest to a window? How am I supposed to get through my life without my best friend and ramen? What if the Stanley Cup Finals end after I leave (I’m cutting it close lmao) and I don’t get to see the Oilers win after embracing the local arts and culture? What if I miss city life and I crave traffic? What if I never find a job and I’m just a trophy wife? These are all valid, but I’m sure I had the same fears when I moved here ten years ago! I trusted the process then and I trust it now.

The next three weeks will be a blur, but the next chapter will be magical. It may not have been what I wanted, or maybe when I was ready, but maybe this change is what I need in order to grow as a person, and build a life with the person I’m meant to be with. So thank you Edmonton, for ten incredible years and some of the most magical times of my life. But now it’s time to go home

Friendly reminder that this is now basically my front yard now

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

Personal Best

February 19, 2025February 20, 2025 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a hot minute, but 2025 started off busy af. First my dishwasher decided it was time to die on the battlefield, work has been ramping up, and then everyone in my house got the flu. It’s been rad. But with everything comes a silver lining. New dishwasher, everyone has recovered, and work is still busy, but I adore my job so it’s okay.

I’ve also been busy planning my wedding. When you live halfway across the country from your partner, planning a wedding can be annoying. Let’s be honest; planning a wedding is always annoying. Fortunately, we are pretty laid back and details aren’t as important to us as they are to others. We are just content to celebrate with our friends and family, and continue our wonderfully weird bi-coastal little life. While everyone else worries about dress codes and whatever, we are just happy. But the number one question we get asked is:

“Who is moving where? Surely you’ll want to live together!”

Allow me to answer your question!

Everything is staying exactly the way it is for the foreseeable future.

I know this sounds very confusing, but the reasons are simple. We both have children. They are in school. My younger daughter is in university. My son just started high school. It would be unfair to uproot their lives and risk their educations because their parents finally figured out what everyone knew years ago. Different provinces have different academic standards and I would hate for my son to graduate later than his peers because we uprooted him. My daughter is pursuing her degree and preparing to train for her dream job. I refuse to do anything that will jeopardize that. I have spent years working to provide my kids with stability and we finally have it. We rent a magical home in a good neighbourhood. We have lived there for years. We have a great relationship with our community, and my son attends a great school nearby. My fiancé has a career with a pension and a healthy co-parenting dynamic. Everyone is happy, especially our children.

The other reason is also really simple; I know my limitations as a human being. Your girl has struggled for years with the idea of being tied down or not being in control of my own future. I spent years in a suffocating marriage where I made very few decisions. When we broke up, I had no idea how to navigate life on my own, as I had been trapped in some kind of abusive relationship since I was 19. I had my oldest child when I was very young; I didn’t even know myself, let alone how to be an adult. I learned trial by fire and I’m finally in a place where I feel like I’m in control of my life. I have always been afraid of marriage, and it’s taken me years of therapy to get to a place where the idea doesn’t fill me with existential dread; with the loss of freedom and autonomy. My poor fiancé has tried to convince me that we should get married so many times over the years and every time I would bolt and move further away (the last time I was already here lol). I was afraid of my own feelings, of the future, and of the idea that I’d be sacrificing for a man. Everyone who knows me personally laughs at the time I tried to run away from my first wedding, but at the same time GUYS I ACTUALLY TRIED TO RUN AWAY FROM MY WEDDING. I wasn’t ready, it wasn’t right, and I couldn’t breathe. I tried to run from a vow renewal that led to a divorce ten months later. I’m really not good at weddings y’all)

(Before you start a betting pool, I assure you I will not be running away from this wedding. Mostly because this was not a choice entered into lightly and I adore the person I’m marrying. Also because it’s like, five hours from home and leaving everyone stranded is hecking rude)

Fortunately, my fiancé is a man who has watched me slowly rebuild my life after getting out of a violent marriage, ugly divorce, and many first dates that made me want another cat. He’s always understood my intense fear of another failed marriage or loss of self and wants me to be happy. He loves me enough to understand that allowing me the grace and space to navigate our future while giving our respective kids the stability they deserve to reach their academic goals is what’s best for our family unit.

When this conversation comes up with literally everyone, I struggle not to get defensive, as everyone assumes I’m just packing up my life as if I don’t have one. I love my fiancé, but I also love my job, my friends, my house, and the winters aren’t so bad once you get used to it. Also, it’s MINE. I built that shit from the ground up all by myself and I’m damn proud of my little niche in the universe. While I am well aware that I can’t have my cake and eat it too forever, I am eternally grateful that I have it right now. When the kids are done school, we will revisit the “where will we live” conversation. I think we are actually the least concerned, because we know that it’ll all work out when both of us are ready, and not because someone feels like they have to shake things up. It works because we have a twenty five year foundation and understand what each of us needs to be happy. Someday we will decide where to live, but for now, it’s just noise and we prefer to be peaceful ostriches in the sand.

Remembering Sunday

September 2, 2024November 11, 2024 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Isn’t life rad?

Summer 2024 is behind us and now it’s time for me to BOMBARD YOUR ASS WITH PUMPKIN AND SPOOKY CONTENT. GET READY BITCHES.

Anyone who knows me knows basic white fall is basically my personality. Pumpkins, leaves, red lip, and of course, Halloween. This means that it’s time for my annual viewing of the Nightmare Before Christmas, starring my one true love; Jack Skellington. Yes, I am basically a relic from Hot Topic. Fight me.

But, fall also means my birthday, which always makes me a bit more introspective and reflective, but don’t worry; the overthinking and general neurosis remains. I was ordered to plan something for my birthday because my sweet angel fiancé understands that I have an unhealthy obsession with birthdays stemming from a childhood that was devoid of love and the first time anyone I considered family celebrated my birthday was when I went into foster care. If I like you, there is a million percent chance I have gone buck wild about your birthday at least once. Unfortunately, he won’t be able to celebrate with me until ten days later, but he still wants me to be happy. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in almost three years, so I’m excited to have some friends over to play games and drink wine.

The last two years have been some of the most challenging and transformative of my entire life. I was tested emotionally, physically, and financially, to the point where I genuinely believed I would lose everything. I devoted every second of my life to protect someone I loved from their darkest urges and was afraid to leave them alone for a second. My job was ripped out from under me as I was on the cusp of building a way to do good for people who need it, and I was drowning in debt. My health was poor and I missed the wedding of one of my closest friends. I gained all of the weight I worked to lose. My mom was diagnosed with dementia and I was a full time caregiver with no help from my family. I genuinely had days where I just didn’t want to wake up anymore and it was only muscle memory keeping me going. But life has a way of pulling you forward to the light if you just believe that you can get there.

And I did.

No, I haven’t lost all of the weight. I’m 44lbs down and halfway to where I want to be again. No, I am not a zillionaire, I don’t have a pet penguin, money is still tight, and woodland creatures do not clean my house.

But I DO have a job that I love, my two youngest children are starting amazing educational adventures and I’m so proud of them. I have myself back, and that’s in part to a small but amazing group of friends who stayed in the trenches with me until the bitter end, and I’m so grateful for them.

There’s my best friend in the entire universe, who has been by my side during the bleakest moments of the last two years. She drove my kid to the hospital while I was stuck in Red Deer. She was the only person who came to a holiday party, even though she had been in a serious accident the day before. She gave me a pep talk when her attempt to fix me up went poorly, telling me that I deserved someone who would move mountains for the privilege of loving me. I don’t know where I’d be without her, and while she would tell you she is evil, I would tell you everything she’s ever done is right and good.

There’s my best friend since high school, who was my lifeline during the darkest times. She helped me understand my own kid better, and always had an ear. We didn’t get a pic this summer, but spending time with her and her family was one of the most magical parts of my summer. It was like nothing changed; we just sat and chatted, all we needed was coffee. She’s the level headed voice of reason I need when I let my emotions rule. I’m so grateful for her. There’s my former manager who’s become one of my friends. We communicate in memes, but I know if I ever need a friend (or a Nanalan meme) he’s right there.

There’s my other closest friend, who is a literal angel on Earth. She’s the most patient, empathetic, and understanding human being I know. She shares all of my nerdy interests and she’s so positive and warm, you can’t leave spending time with her and not feel happy. It’s just not possible.

It’s so easy to distance yourself from someone when they’re struggling. I had friends that I assumed would always be a part of my life, now we watch the other’s life play out on social media and she messages my fiancé her well wishes instead of being invited to my celebratory dinner or helping me plan my wedding. It’s so easy to ignore texts or pretend you don’t know someone anymore when they’re down and they aren’t able to do anything for you, or build you up. But my small circle didn’t do that. They pulled me closer during a time when I didn’t even want to exist. Now I’m on the other side of it all, in my beautiful house in my favourite city, with my incredible family and cats, professionally and personally fulfilled. I look at my life now and I’m filled with gratitude for the people who were there for me during the absolute worst of times, and now I get to celebrate so many happy things with them; birthdays, holidays, Vegas, and when I marry the man of my dreams. We get to celebrate milestones our kids achieve, and I’m just so grateful that they like me enough to put up with me.

I’m due for another spin around the sun, and for the first time in a long time, I’m so excited to celebrate what’s to come. The future just feels warm and bright, and I can’t wait to see what fall 2024 brings for everyone I love.

Anti-Curse

May 28, 2024May 29, 2024 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

The worst part of being a woman is that no one listens to you.

For those of you who are new to my life (but for real, I’m not that cool), three years ago I went to the doctor for a health issue. I was always tired, I gained a ton of weight despite no dietary changes, my hair was falling out. My doctor completed a biopsy, decided that even though there were irregularities, I actually had PCOS; I did not. She misdiagnosed me and prescribed medication that triggered a pulmonary embolism that almost killed me.

(In addition to being the most insane night of my life, some random person stole my necklace with a ring I wore every single day, which was a gift from my most favourite human that I didn’t give birth to. I stil get upset when I think about it. If you are the person who stole it, fuck you)

My life expectancy and quality of life has been irrevocably damaged as a result of this mistake, all which could have been avoided if SOMEONE GOD DAMN LISTENED TO ME. But the problem didn’t go away. I have to get blood work before I travel, be mindful of medications, and make sure I’m doing my part to prevent this from happening again.

Fast forward to modern day. I’ve switched doctors twice. I’ve switched OB/GYN’s twice. I’ve seen a dietician because I need to lose weight, but also NO SHIT SHARON THAT IS PRECISELY THE REASON I COME TO THE DOCTOR. I GAINED A FUCK TON OF WEIGHT FOR NO DAMN REASON. I’ve had enough blood drawn for the same seven tests that I could feed a whole ass Cullen family. But the only answer I get is “have you considered losing weight?” Like, no. I love having a deflated self esteem and shudder when people ask me to take pics of them. It’s great for me. I am having the best time, I swear.

I had all but given up and accepted that things were just gonna be like this forever, when I saw an IG post that changed the game. Former WWE Divas Champion Maryse Mizanin talked about how she saw doctor after doctor but no one listened to her about similar symptoms until finally, an OB/GYN listened and found multiple tumours that were pre-cancerous. Persistence saved her life. But it also showed me that even women who were wealthy, had resources, would be ignored.

Reading her story made me realize I shouldn’t just accept “it’s your anxiety,” or “why aren’t you losing weight.” Finally, after many moons of asking and finally screaming, my doctor ordered an ultrasound to see if something had changed since the one my old doctor said was “mostly fine.” Well, now it’s not fine. There are multiple cysts, possible polyps, and this means a second biopsy next week, followed by an endometrial ablation, and possibly a hysterectomy. If you think one horrifically invasive procedure is gross, why not THREE?! So fun right?!

Naturally, the first thing I did…was cry. After all, if something is seriously wrong, who’s gonna run my house?! Who will take care of my cats?! Two of my kids are underage. Is their sister ready to be a guardian? Their dad isn’t involved at all, so he’s not really a factor. My mom needs constant care. Who’s gonna do that? There’s the miserable feeling when you remember you get to drive yourself to the horribly invasive procedure and then drive yourself home, because your partner lives many time zones away and this means you’re on your own kid. Fortunately, I’ll also buy myself ice cream for being brave. I can’t exactly take time off from my job, despite my boss being the best and making sure that I prioritize my health. But I have one income to support many people. I can’t afford time off. Sometimes I stare at my ceiling in my room and comment to myself that I simply do not have time for this, and how dare my body inconvenience me in this way. Mostly I am just angry and scared. Maybe if someone had listened to me before, this would all be behind me. Instead, I almost died (but don’t worry, my OB/GYN says the first pulmonary embolism won’t kill you, so that’s…good? I guess?), lost my most prized possession, haven’t seen any real improvements, and now have to go through a ton of gross procedures while also trying to get my mom to do basic hygiene, plan my oldest’s birthday, attend two graduations, and I need the Oilers to win this series because Doughnut Party and Stanley Cup.

Also, I can’t be the only one who has a very real fear of waking up during the procedure because the anaesthesia didn’t work, am I? because this is a very real concern for me, and maybe a step or two below geese on the terror scale.

I don’t have time for this. But mostly, it just sucks that almost every woman on Earth has a story just like this, where a doctor didn’t listen to them, and things ended up a mess. However, like all things, there’s always some kind of silver lining. I have some days in lieu I can use for the day I go in for my biopsy. I have a wonderful eldest child who offered to come with me (I still have to drive and buy my own ice cream lol). I have an incredible partner who is so supportive and loving while I have a manic episode and then contemplate my own mortality. My younger kids have been helping me keep up the housework. My friends care about me. Also, thanks to Weight Watchers I’m down 35lbs. My people always show up for me, even if the medical profession lets me down.

I also learned a valuable lesson, which is to keep advocating even if it seems no one is listening. I need to take some accountability too. I felt unheard so I gave up. Maybe if I had just kept on it the way I should’ve done all along. Maybe then I’d have answers sooner instead of thirty more blood tests. It’s a shame that almost every woman has felt ignored by a doctor, and I’m so grateful that more women are talking about it. Maybe eventually we will reach a point where our concerns are taken seriously the first time and not just “maybe not even never.”

Castles Crumbling

August 24, 2023August 27, 2023 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Terrible choices I make, When Things Suck Hard, work life

Oh hey!

It’s been a minute, hasn’t it?

I would pretend I have some big reason or something exciting is happening in my life, but the truth is, I was just very depressed.

I’ll have some good days and feel like maybe I’m finally in a good place, but then something will happen and I’ll realize I’m not quite as healthy as I thought. It was actually a day at the gym. It was ideally the best kind of gym day. My fave team members were there. The best coaches were there. The workout had all of my favourite movements. But I left and sat in my car crying because I HATED CrossFit.

I couldn’t get past how I used to be good at this. But now I just felt like a fat blob trying to work out. I went back to running, and a guy on my street made a fat joke and told me to lose weight as I was running. Like, dude, I am literally jogging, I AM CLEARLY TRYING TO GET IN SHAPE. But again, I wasn’t good at it anymore. I just wanted to be good at my favourite things again. I didn’t write anything because I had no desire. I didn’t feel good at it. I didn’t feel good at anything I used to be good at. I was learning the ropes at a new job and I desperately wanted to be good at it. I wanted to feel like a good mom, but advocating to make sure your mentally ill teenager gets the treatment she needs is hard. You’re judged by doctors who have no way to help due to cutbacks. Any time I tried to tell people how depressed I was, I just got “okay,” or “I’m sorry.” Every time I would just repress some more, until it bubbled up again and rinse, repeat. I was falling apart and dead inside, but still expected to raise my kids and take care of my mom, keep my house clean, and also drop everything when a friend needed a shoulder.

Rock bottom came when I was sobbing on my floor because I hated myself. I was so miserable and I had to buy pants a size up. I was going on a trip, and I was terrified about flying. What if I didn’t fit in a plane seat? What if I was one of those people they make fun of in memes? Was this irrational? Yes. But my body dysmorphia was out of control. I had worked so hard to never feel like this again and yet here I was. I was embarrassed and broken. I had broken out in hives from eczema, triggered by stress. I reached out to a friend and was told I was dramatic. I remember sitting on my floor for over an hour, numb. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t even move from my floor, and the one person who I felt would understand how intense my body image issues had become completely dismissed me like a minor annoyance.

Before I continue, I want to acknowledge the people who do show up for me, because I’m so grateful to have them in my life. One of my best friends dropped everything to take my daughter to the hospital when I was stuck in Red Deer. My best friend from high school is one of the best listeners, even when I spend more time talking about my salad than my date. I have a lot of people who have been in the trenches with me while I struggle to get out of bed some days, and they deserve to be acknowledged.

Anywho, I was MAD. More mad than I have ever been in a long time. I saw RED. Every single thing that I had bottled up for months and months suddenly erupted. It was the last straw after months and months of little things where my feelings would be hurt and I’d push to the side. I felt used, like I was just a sounding board and not a person with feelings. I was ready to unload because here I was, genuinely upset and I just got spoken down to in a super condescending way. Instead, the rational part of my brain kicked in and I just ended the conversation.

I sat on my floor and cried until my 16yo daughter came in and asked me what was wrong. I gave her a high level “I don’t feel good about my pants,” and expected her to flit off to hang out with her friends. Instead, we had a good chat. Instead of sending a scorched Earth rage text, unloading all of the hurt feelings that I had been bottling up for months, I called my doctor for a referral to a dietician, to start antidepressants, and to request more blood work to see if the weight gain was hormonal. I called my therapist. I coldly looked in the mirror and reminded myself that I needed to stop being there for everyone else, and start being there for myself.

I also went on vacation. It was rad.

My life has been made better by Eras Tour

My therapist and I have been unraveling why I hate exercise. We also unraveled why I have been so angry. They explained that my friendships are rarely 50/50. They’re usually 80/20. Basically, I desperately want people to like me, so I let them walk all over me. But I also want to be given the same effort I put out there, and when it’s not reciprocated, I internalize it until I explode. I’m self aware enough to know that being a depressed loser on the brink of a nervous breakdown isn’t really a fun person to be around. But I also know when my friends are in the same situation, I’m there for them. But when it’s me, I generally feel even more isolated and alone because I don’t get that support. But then I just rationalize away until I can’t anymore, but I always feel like I’m doing something wrong by being angry. There’s a lot to work through, but it’s a start.

Also, we did a deep dive as to why I have struggled with exercise, my feelings of failure, and why I feel so down. I miss the feeling of accomplishment when I’d see myself improving, but I also get mad because four years ago I was posting my best running times and my strongest one rep max at the gym. Now I’m back at square one.

I feel like a lot of my life I’m starting all over again. I had to start all over again when I got divorced. I had to start all over again when my landlord sold my old house. I’ve had to start all over again at three different jobs since I quit the most toxic boss in history. Now, the one constant in my life (fitness), I’m starting from the bottom again. Fitness was the one place I felt like I was really good at something, and now I’m not even good at that, and it made me feel worse about myself. For the last three years everything has felt so out of control. I haven’t felt like I was good at anything. If I had been a better salesperson, maybe I wouldn’t have gone into debt trying to save my home. If I had been a better parent, maybe my teenager wouldn’t be mentally ill. If I had treated my body better, maybe I wouldn’t have nearly died. Fitness was all I had and now, I don’t even feel like I really have that.

So, now I’m trying to take control. I make it a point to fill my Apple Watch rings every day. I go for a walk every night. Small steps in the right direction. Once I feel ready, go back to the gym. Some days I literally have to force myself to get up and work out. But I remind myself that no one ever got healthier laying in a rut. But those days I have to literally drag myself out of bed with no motivation are still better than days I’m doing literally nothing.

I make sure to get out of my house and enjoy my life. I even went on a date; it was awful, and I am pretty sure I went out with Reddit, but I still went and put myself out there. I have one cheat meal a week. I take my anti depressants. I pet my cats and spend time with my kids. Most importantly, I clean my house. No matter how shitty I feel, I clean my house. That way, no matter what happens, I have one productive win because I cleaned my house. It’s not much, but it’s a decent start.

I genuinely don’t know if this is the time it’ll stick and I’ll finally get to a point where I don’t have to start over again from the beginning. Even if it’s not, I owe it to myself to keep trying to get healthier, even if it means starting all over again…again.

Blindfolded

December 5, 2022December 5, 2022 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Just Fun, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Social Media

It’s that time of year again!

The time where I reflect on the year and take a writing break for the holidays. But the truth is, I didn’t write much this year. This was the most challenging year of my entire life. Due to a continued fight for child support and an unexpected layoff from a job I loved, I was left financially wrecked. My health took a dive, and while I’m still struggling to get answers about what’s been happening, I was also forced to deal with my own mortality, as I nearly died from a pulmonary embolism. All of my coping mechanisms were taken and I fell into a deep depression. It’s been a struggle. But I’m bouncing back, with a new job, and hopefully more changes that will make things better. But thanks for coming with me on this insane ride, and as always, I’m sharing a series of photos of my year (excluding the kids). I wish everyone a wonderful holiday season and fingers crossed that 2023 will be a better year for everyone.

Avril Lavigne made all our emo dreams come true

That time a misdiagnosis nearly killed me

I haven’t cut or coloured my hair in a year. It’s really long and kind of dry. One of my holiday plans is to chop it all off.

The Great War

November 23, 2022November 23, 2022 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Have you ever looked in the mirror and not even recognized yourself anymore?

That’s how I feel. I don’t even recognize this person anymore. This year has been so challenging and it’s pretty much stripped away all of my best qualities, to the point where I feel like a tired old lady just ready to live with my cats and wither into dust. My finances are a mess, thanks to layoffs and lesser paying jobs, and the lack of child support. Every time I have to say no, I just feel bad. Parents should be able to afford a Slurpee, or a trip to McDonald’s, without counting all of the crack change. I should be able to send my eleventh grader lunch money. I should be able to go shopping for cute winter clothes. But instead, I’m always saying “next time,” and I know deep down they resent me because next time never comes. I’ve cut out everything that brings me any semblance of joy except for my morning cup of tea and even then, I don’t get one three days a week because I was putting money away for Xmas. I haven’t been to the gym in forever but I never picked up my shoes. I felt like if I did, it was defeat, that I would never go back. I don’t go out with my friends. Hell, I barely text. Also, if you’re my friend, I’m sorry I suck at communicating. I hate my weight, my hair, my skin, everything about my appearance and I just feel like I’ve failed at pretty much everything. It’s been a struggle to get out of bed some days. The cup isn’t half full or half empty; it’s just empty.

I suppose the last two years has taken its toll. There’s only so much you can give of yourself before you have nothing left, like the giving tree. And it’s only so long before you snap. I had two of those moments. The first one was when I needed coverage at work for a family emergency and I was told there was no one. Something in my brain snapped. For years I helped EVERYONE. Needed a shift covered? MHC. Needed help with staffing? MHC. Sick days? psh! I ONLY TOOK ONE DAY OFF FROM WORK WHEN I ALMOST DIED! And yet, the universe said “no one wants to go to where you are,” while I cried at work needing help. I called one of my colleague friends and bawled because he is an Angel sent from God. He found me some help and I could go home. But the whole way I was enraged. I loved my colleagues. I’m forever grateful to my DM for giving me a job, but I realized in that second I was right back where I was last year; trapped in a job I had to devote every second of myself to. I wanted to give my DM that person, but I don’t have it in me to give anymore. She deserves a top performer who can give her that level of buy in.

So I quit.

I found a new job with a living salary and more work life balance. I gave my notice and starting next month, I can stop selling phones once and for all and do a job that allows me to use my skills; training, development, and support. I’m excited. I was shocked I got it tbh. Do you know how many awesome candidates are looking for work? And I’m just me. But it’s a much needed change. I’ll be able to see my kids and clean my house. Maybe pet my cats. Maybe go on more dates and finally see my friends. I haven’t hung out with one of my best friends since July. It sucks dude. It’s gonna be nice to do stuff with my people again starting with the annual holiday party.

But, that was just one moment of clarity, the other came when I was a casualty of the Great War, AKA the battle to see my Lord and Saviour, Taylor Allison Swift.

I haven’t been anywhere in years. I couldn’t even go to my friend’s wedding. My kids are tired from school, teen pressures, and helping take care of their grandma when I’m at work. They deserved a trip. The opening act (Gracie Abrams) is my 15yo’s fave non Taylor performer. So I socked away every cent I had for nosebleeds. I gave up every minor luxury I have, banked the rest. I knew the tour was coming and I was going to come through. I had Verified Fan access that was supposed to carry me to the presale. I would use my income tax refund for flight and hotel, and for once, I wasn’t gonna say no. I was going to give them this one thing for Xmas and our Taycation was going to be magical. Instead, I got this.

My heart broke as the tire fire known as ticketmaster shut me out. I went to stubhub only to have my life ruined. My tiny little amount for our four shitty nosebleeds couldn’t even cover one ticket, let alone four. I had to say no again. No Taycation. No happy kids at Xmas that mom came through. Just another time I had to disappoint them. Between my work schedule, and my bank balance, and the realization that I wasn’t coming through for them, my brain broke again.

I COMPLETELY understand this is a first world issue. I am well aware that not taking my kids to see Taylor Swift won’t ruin my life. But it was just another no. Another “not this time.” I know it wasn’t my fault, and Ticketmaster is the dirt worst, but suddenly all of those times I had to say no flooded my brain; the slurpees, the tacos, the new shirt, that used CD, the discounted book, the hair dye, all of it. Every next time, or I’m sorry we don’t have it, every one just flashed through my eyes like a death scene in a movie, ending with the emptiness that this concert that meant so much to them was now, just another no. So I sat in my car and cried. I’d tell myself it’ll be okay, but we all know it’s not. It’s another thing I couldn’t do while the parents around me take their kids to Mexico for spring break and buy concert tickets for good grades. I moved them to a more affluent area and sometimes barely make rent, but I did it so they’d get a better education. But now they see how much more their friends parents can do for them. They’re good kids. They get good grades. They help at home, and are good to their friends and cats. But I let them down spectacularly every day and it just sucks.

After I was done my crying and generally being miserable, wallowing in how 2022 has been the absolute worst. It challenged me physically, mentally, and I’ve lost so much financially and I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I used to take so much pride in my appearance, in my work ethic, and in my life. Now, I just don’t care. I dug a hole and I couldn’t get out. Getting a new job is awesome, but I need to fix me or I’m just transferring the misery. So, I got to work. I deep cleaned my house. I started working out at home. I called a credit counsellor to work through my debt, whether it’s through a debt management program or a consumer proposal. It sucks, but it’s what I need to do. If I don’t have to stress about money as much, little things won’t get to me, and there will be fewer instances of no. I started getting up earlier and actually wearing makeup again. I started going to bed at a reasonable time. Also, I started forgiving myself for the things I’ve been beating myself up about. I can’t change that I got laid off. I can’t fix that I put on weight because I couldn’t work out for five months. I can’t change the fact that Ticketmaster sucks. But what I can do is change my situation. I can keep watching stubhub and seat geek for cheap resale tickets. I can keep an eye for Canadian dates. I can make time to work out. I can focus on budgeting smarter with the help of the counsellor. That will help me have more money to go to the gym and say yes to a few of those smaller things. I can go into my new job motivated and excited. I can continue to focus on being a present and active parent. These are things I can change.

While the answers aren’t ideal, at least there feels like a light at the end of the tunnel, except for the Taylor Swift tickets. That shit is just hopeless. But I will be able to look in the mirror in a few months and recognize who I’m looking at, and maybe even like that person too.