I got REALLY fat. I weighed almost 300 lbs @ the time I graduated college & had my second daughter. I felt disgusting, so I worked out, did weight watchers & lost 70lbs.
But it’s a yoyo thing; I get depressed, I gain weight. I get motivated, I drop it. I had friends tell me “you look fine!” Maybe I do, but not to me. I think I’m fat. I can understand how Rachel Frederickson ended up underweight during her recent stint on the Biggest Loser. When you’ve been a thin girl & now you’re a fat girl, there is nothing more intoxicating than the compliments, the scale number going down, the smaller pants. It’s amazing! So, you keep on wanting it & that’s how you go too far.
Courtesy NBC
One of the things I realized is that my low self esteem kills my relationships. I choose men who are narcissistic & then feed their egos because I don’t like myself. I think it’s okay to be ignored, neglected because I’m a fat & ugly basket case & they’re great guys & are “putting up with me.” That’s not true; they were lucky to have me! I treated them well & was supportive & loving. Then I drain my friends because I feel like I let those men and my family down by not being good enough and kill those relationships by feeling unworthy of friendships. I need to get out of the mindset that I’m unworthy or ugly. I need to look @ myself & think I’m pretty & bright & sweet & kind & I deserve to be loved. But I don’t see pretty; I see fat. So, I decided to take control & stop being fat.
I started eating better. No more days of not eating while focusing on work, the kids, etc. Three meals & one snack. I watch my calories & fat through the Lose It! app. I talk to my best friend the Psych Major (who, along with her husband, are personal trainers) about the right eating habits & I work out every night. Every night is Stratusphere Yoga. I did the 30 squat challenge & I’m on Day 17 of the ab challenge. I’m going to do 30 days of push-ups next & come spring, I’ll be ready to start couch to 5k. All of these things have helped me safely lose 15lbs thus far. I have a long way to go, but I prefer to look at how far I’ve come.
I need to take responsibility for my own happiness, my own self esteem. After all, if I can’t love myself, how can anyone else, so I’m taking responsibility for my weight & I’m committing myself to losing it. After all, there are no magic pills or fad diets. The only way to lose weight is to eat right, drink lots of water & get up off of your ass & exercise. So, that’s what I’m going to do & finally lose the weight & gain my self esteem back. It might take a long time, but that’s okay. I’m in no hurry to do anything. But the more I work towards getting my body to the way I want it to be, the more confident I feel and the happier I am. All of these things will count towards me getting to be the person I know I’m capable of being.
The challenge was to post a photo from last year & discuss how I have changed. Normally, I’d say I’m the same girl I’ve always been, but that’s not true.
Last year, I felt life was hopeless. My daughter was mad at the world & I felt like a failure as a mom. My education wasn’t going well. My friendships were strained. My magazine folded & life without journalism felt bleak. I was healing from a breakup. I was freaking miserable.
But, I kept going. Sometimes, when life feels hopeless, all you’ve got are the little victories. I went to school today. I got my kid in therapy. I handed in my assignments. I went to placement & did well. Soon, those little victories become big ones. I finished school. I found a job. I did well at my job. I helped my child cope with anger & she’s doing well & doesn’t need counselling anymore. I became stronger & more self aware. All of these things helped me be happier.
Then there are the physical changes. I’m 15 lbs lighter. My arms are thinner. I wear a smaller size, and of course, the most obvious; my hair. My once jet black hair is now a warmer brown. The change brightened my face, made my eyes stand out & dare I say I feel like I’m prettier.
The year was hard but I’m grateful because once again I learned what I can accomplish if I try, which is a lot. So, I’m stronger, wiser & more at peace. These lessons I will take to my shiny new home, that I will move in to in 75 days.
I can’t sleep in hotel rooms well (not that I sleep well on a good day. Useless MH fact, I get wicked insomnia & suffer from night terrors or at least really vivid nightmares. Stress means no sleep. Looking at houses all weekend is stressful). My mind always ends up wandering to weird places. So, I’m gonna jot it all down & pretend it makes sense.
Throughout our lives, we’ll be happy. We’ll be sad. We’ll be epic douchebags. This is everyone. This is life. Throughout our lives we’ll pretend to be happy when we’re sad. We’ll use sad to make excuses for being douchebags. It’s a circle.
But through all of these moments, who was with is through it all. When you were happy, who was by your side? Who was with you for a little while during your sadness but once you hit bottom, walked away? Who got sick of your douchebaggery & left?
Part of life is owning your douchebaggery, something I’ve tried to do. Owning your pain. Creating your own happiness. But humans need each other too. So, think about everyone you’ve ever met. Who did you stand beside during their douchebaggery? Who did you walk away from? Who stood with you In your joy but left you in pain? When you were your cruellest, who (did the right thing for them) left you behind because you were a dick & who silently endured your cruelty & hopes you find joy?
Hopefully, when you think of the list of people who were there in your joy, held you through your sadness & took your douchebaggery with grace as you took theirs, your list has your parents & siblings, your best friends & your soulmate. I know mine has most of those. If not, then I truly feel sorry for you, as you have no true emotional connections.
We all go through periods of awesome & periods where we’re an awful person. However, it’s comforting to know that sometimes, there are people who will love all of that, if this makes any sense @ all, because I feel like it doesn’t.
Of course, even those who leave you (or you leave behind) are still connected to you, because hate & love are connected. Hate is love enraged. You are so angry with the person you love that you loathe them for not being what you believed they could be or what you wanted to mold them into. The absence of love is indifference. I learned this post-marriage when I hated him for all he did & continued to do. Then one day, I didn’t care anymore. Same with two friends, one I despised for betraying my trust. Loathed him. Now I see it was my love for him as a person that made me hate; I felt like he was not the person I thought & I felt let down. The other, I actually have thought “I hope she’s well,” when she’s mentioned, but I just don’t think we’re meant to be close friends. I think we bring out negative traits in each other.
I think I’m done rambling, as this didn’t make me any sleepier & I don’t think it makes sense. So, I’ll leave it with a quote that I think explains my thought process better.
“There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.“
Strengthen the body, strengthen the mind, strengthen the spirit.
I’m a VERY tightly wound person. Always stressed about this minor thing or that minor thing & it’s really annoying, both to me & those around me. It was hard to keep my house in order because I would see the mountain of laundry & the pile of dishes or whatever & think about my deadlines or my homework (& now, my insane work schedule) & wonder how I would get it all done. Then panic, & repeat.
So, as part of my evolving mindset, I looked at how I think. When I see a huge catastrophe, I will look @ the tiniest, most insignificant thing & hyper focus on it. I feel like if I can achieve that little victory, than I can take on the huge task. My life, work, raising the girls, fumbling through life, is one huge catastrophe & no amount of chivasana can calm my addled mind…until now.
I started breaking things up into “mini jobs.” I made a huge list of things I want to do around my house (so when I turn over the keys it’ll be flawless & ready to show), errands that need doing, etc & set a time frame of accomplishing up to two mini jobs per day. No over achieving, just balance. Suddenly, EVERYTHING was a small thing. There were no more huge undertakings. That’s when getting stuff done for easier. I did it for the girls too. Suddenly, chore time wasn’t pulling teeth time. It was easy. They felt they could handle them & I could handle them too. This helped me stay organized, feel successful @ home as well as work & take the stress out of my body, leaving it more relaxed & better for exercise.
Each thing is connected. By working my body, I’m gaining confidence, which helps me feel stronger emotionally & less toxic to myself & those around me. This helps me think smarter & help me strategize my life in a way that helps me thrive, which boosts my self esteem, which makes me want to focus on building a stronger body. It’s a lovely circle of awesome, unlike the circle of suck that just pulls you down.
I know I’m kind of bombarding everyone with my whole “fitness & self help books & MH is so kick ass” attitude, but I’m very excited about all of the positive changes going on. I’m feeling great about myself & my future. For those friends that stuck by me through the circle of suck, you guys are awesome, especially the Texan, the Psych Major, the Gleason Table, the Hippie, & the First Wives’ Club of Awesome. You weren’t afraid to tell me to suck it up Buttercup & help me find my way. To those who didn’t, I don’t blame you. It happens & I hope you’re happy & have a lovely life. To one friend, I’m sorry for being a douche, you were still the best friend I’ve ever had, even when you were being a douche too & I wish we could be life mates once more. And to you, whoever reads this crap. Thanks for enjoying my weird little journey.
There’s just something satisfying about setting these goals & seeing them come together. I’m not panicking about my job or money or my dishes or why I think I’m an idiot. I’ve learned to balance & it only took 30 years! But this will help me next weekend when I attempt house hunting round eleventy million, at work each day & maybe I won’t be so tightly wound that flicking me will cause me to snap like a violin string. Maybe.
I wanted to kick off 2014 with a big announcement, so here goes;
I’m really freaking happy.
I feel the need to stress that there is nothing new or exciting about my life. Yes, I have a date with someone I’m really attracted to, but we all know what happens on my first dates hahaha. I do not have a new media gig, I do not have a house (but my trip at the end of the month should fix that). There is nothing new or different about my life. I’m happy because I choose to be.
Last July, when the Texan & I started the ASH Life, a multi authoured parenting blog, I had reached a really confusing point in my life. I had cut ties with people I saw as my best friends, but I didn’t miss them & felt like I should (I do miss one of them now, and hope they like their life & maybe someday we’ll apologize for being douchers & trash talk movies & be life mates again) & I was in the midst of dealing with a lump in my breast & other health issues & I wasn’t terribly happy. So, I started aggressively writing out my feelings & I felt better. When I was done & I got good news about the lump, I decided that I was going to make myself happy. The reason I wasn’t happy was because I wanted others to do what I did for them. I was tasking them with making me happy. It worked, but what one giveth, one taketh away. They would take my joy away & watch me crumble on the sidelines & feel powerful. So, I chose to make myself powerful.
I stopped blaming myself for why people are douchebags. I stopped trying to reconcile friendships or maintain them with toxic people. They would get in the middle of my interpersonal relationships or force their opinions on me & then get angry @ me for being in the middle or because I would fall to pieces because they dangled things in front like a carrot. They toyed with my emotions or were dishonest & those are their actions. I didn’t make you do it; you chose to. I slip up sometimes, but I had to stop internalizing the actions of others & feeling like I make people do bad things. People do bad things because they suck & I allow it. So, I stopped allowing. I stopped rationalizing people’s behaviour away & focused on my own. How am I treating people? Am I walking my walk? Am I the role model I want to be for my daughters? The answer was no. I was becoming a needy sad sack dependant on others for survival & draining, so I needed to check myself.
To check myself I focused on what I needed to do to be happy. People laughed @ my choice not to date, but I’m so glad I did it because I got to know myself. If I wanted to feel pretty, I had to tell myself I was pretty. When I was sick, I had to take care of myself. When I was sad, I had to cheer myself. I had to depend on myself, and the more I did it, the more I learned to like myself. I can’t expect someone to love me if I hate myself. This is what everyone does; we hope the love of another person will heal our past pain or fill the void of that rejection or mask that we hate ourselves & we destroy those who love us the most. I refuse to join that cycle so I went into my shell. But by going into the shell, I realized I was in a relationship. I was with myself & I need to cultivate that one.
I took care of myself & found joy in everything from my daughters to a great Christina Aguilera song (hail Queen Xtina). I stopped accepting responsibility for other’s actions and focused on accountability for my own. And one day, I realized I was truly happy. I said this on this blog once before, but the difference is that no man or beast has made me happy. I’ve chosen to make myself happy every day. Even if the day sucks, I’ll find something and no one can take this sunshine away, because I made it myself.
I hope each and every person reading this right now finds their own happiness. I stress your own, because even if you’re partnered or not, a parent or you have a cat , it’s YOUR job to bring yourself joy. Revel in that job. It’s the best one you’ll have.
***I apologize in advance that this is all kinds of ADD. I have about four things that I’m thinking of and they’re all like minded. We’ll see how this works out.***
My decision to start dating again had a lot to do with the fact that I was interested in a guy I met casually by chance. He was cute, seemed funny, and he was the first man in 15 months that appealed to me…until I got to know him. We had literally NOTHING in common. He didn’t care for pop culture (you know, how I makes my livings when I’m not schilling phones), thought the media was biased, only liked documentaries, and didn’t understand how one good song makes life magical. So, when I mentioned that maybe we were meant to be friends, he said his only interest in life was me…ew. I like having a life separate from the men I date. I don’t like us sharing friends, I like being able to go out with my friends if I want while he’s out with the guys, no asking “permission,” etc. So, it was curtains.
That’s how it works. One tiny mistake, or tell me one thing I don’t like and out you go. I guess it’s why I recognize it in others, because it’s what I do. My friends tell me it’s because I’m still standing by the water, frantically trying to say the right thing (without saying the one thing I cannot say), stammering with tears trying to fix what I didn’t know was broken, but the truth is, I’ve always been fairly closed off and now it’s worse. My best friend the Psych Major mentioned that because she didn’t feel nutured as a child, she loves to cuddle now. I’m the opposite. I’m detached. My marriage wasn’t a love match and I’m afraid of going through the motions and finding myself wishing I could blow out my brains than spend one more second in this loveless joke where we fight and hate life. I’m also afraid to fall in love. Because if I do, we’ll plan a life and he’ll leave me…and I’ll have to start over again. Because I’m hard to love and I don’t want to fall in love and risk them leaving me again. I’m scared of giving someone my blind, unconditional love & them throwing it back in my face like it was nothing…like I was nothing. I’m sure eventually I’ll get over that fear, I’m working on it, but right now, you likely are sent packing after that one mistake.
My girlfriend challenged me about my love life and I realized I’ve always been the dumb girl with the long term crushes, aside from that guy in high school I crushed on and Gigi and I laugh about it to this day. My first crush was on my friend’s boyfriend’s brother when I was 15. I crushed on that guy all through high school and when I ran into him at the beach 4 years later, I jumped @ the chance to date him to make my ex boyfriend jealous (Trust me, I learned how BAD an idea that is). That boyfriend I was interested in for two years before I made a move. My ex husband was the only guy I sort of just fell into a relationship with. Even my quasi attraction to my former best guy friend simmered for a year and even then, there was another man that held my interest, so much so that I was a total bitch and wouldn’t even add him on Facebook because I was married and I shouldn’t have been thinking such impure thoughts. I’m always a long term, awkward, I want this but I’m too chicken to do anything sort of girl.
This made me think of the kinds of men I would want and I realized that it’s a guy like Christian Bale.
It’s not just because he’s the hottest guy on the planet. It’s because he tears up talking about his loving, supportive, patient wife Sibi Blazic. He doesn’t need to flaunt her and his daughter everywhere. In fact, no one even knew his daughter’s name until a couple of years ago. He wants to keep their marriage private and away from the meddlers and the instigators. He even cut his mom and sister out of his life to protect Blazic from their unkind thoughts. He adores her, worships her, is happy that she accepts his temper and physical transformations for work and the separations and loves her. He loves her so much that he breaks down in interviews talking about her. Candid photos show him opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, etc. They do their charity work in private. He may yell @ sound techs and sound like a douchebag in interviews, go through dramatic weight losses (the Machinist) or gains (American Hustle) to play a part, but the reason Christian Bale is the hottest man on Earth is because he respects his wife and daughter.
So, I want someone like that, but I’m so afraid that if I fall, they’ll leave me like everyone else I’ve driven away by you know, the crazy. So, I want someone to share my life with, but I won’t look, I hold them to unrealistic expectations, send them packing the minute they displease me and I still leave that front light on. This probably means I shouldn’t be actively pursuing a relationship, so it’s for the best that I’m not. I just don’t know how to let go of that fear of that boring, blah life that I hated or getting my heart broken again. Also, part of me likes my life. I like being alone. I love being left alone. I like that I’m home almost every night. I like that no one is nitpicking my life under the guise of “helping me.” I like that I talk to my friends once a week or so and I’m good. I like that I play with my kids and hang with the angriest tween @ night and I sleep alone and sprawl like a starfish. For my entire adult life people have controlled me. First my ex fiance, then my former husband, then my own best friend (which everyone noticed but me) and I don’t want to give up control of my life. If I could have my independence, and a partner, that would be kind of awesomesauce. But I don’t feel lonely, like there’s a void. So, these are the new things I need to work on so I can continue to be the most awesomest MHC I can be…or unless Christian Bale calls (although he breaks my dad rule). I also need to get this move done and out of the way and get situated in my new life before I think about adding anything to it.
But I think it’s a good thing. It’s good that I’m not afraid to be alone. I don’t fear life thinking I’ll die without a companion. I love my life & I love that it’s MY life & that I do things MY way. I love that I make my own choices & I’m working on loving my body image & I’ve even embraced that I’ll always be a little skittish, a little anxious & that I need to work on those things. I needed to work on not allowing my friends to take over my life, interfere because I’m a shy bunny who needs protecting. I needed to learn that I matter too & I can’t expect someone to make me happy because I give them the world. I have to make me happy. But I like me & that will help me when I’m finally no longer gun shy about falling in love again. Because I know I’m awesome & you should too. Like Katy Perry said recently, this time helped me love me so that the right person can love me the way I deserve & I’ll find my John Mayer (only not Douchey) & we’ll realize that “Who You Love” was about us too.
Every morning when my alarm goes off, I hit snooze.
But I don’t roll over & go back to sleep like everyone else. I instead, sit up, and say my morning prayers. I thank God that I’m alive & healthy in a world where so many aren’t. I thank God for my girls & I thank him for my job & my talents & for another day. Then I meditate with my “MH affirmations,” which are reminders that I’m a strong, beautiful woman with a lot of great character traits & that I deserve to be happy. Most of my life, I have put my own happiness aside to please others; my friends, my partners & once they took what they wanted, they left. My happiness never mattered. They kept me under clouds of funk so they could keep me as super nice MH and when I fought back & demanded to matter too, it was curtains. So, I decided instead to remind myself every morning that I deserve to be happy & I’m going to make myself happy because that’s my job as a person. I tasked myself with the job of making everyone else happy & then would be sad that no one wanted to make me happy too. So, I’ve learned that my job in life is to make myself happy & love me more than anyone else could.
When I was first diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, my former best friends called me mentally unstable & said I needed to be medicated for the rest of my life. Too bad like everything else they say when it relates to me, they were wrong. Antidepressants aren’t right for me. They make me loopier, more panicky. So, my doctor weaned me off of them, as much like birth control, they just don’t work. Instead, exercise, herbal remedies & better eating controls the panic attacks. But my hippie friend reminded me that one of the major things that helps her is positive self talk. Loving yourself is the first step to feeling good about yourself.
I am not in any way dogging antidepressants. They’re wonderful & helpful; I just happen to be among that 1% that ends up with the horrible thoughts like the commercial says. So, this works for me. I have only had one panic attack since April & I’m feeling emotionally stronger. The main reason is that I no longer believe that I’m a second class citizen. I deserve love. I deserve respect. I deserve to be treated the way I treat people. I deserve to be happy & I will make myself happy by raising happy girls & setting the right example & with my writing & if you don’t like that I’m putting myself first, then you’re welcome to vacate my life. There are more than enough friends & loved ones who do appreciate that for the first time, the only adult I’m looking out for is me.
So, each morning, I’ll hit the snooze & I’ll thank the universe that I get another day to enjoy it. Then I’ll remind myself that I’m pretty & strong & capable of moving mountains. I’m a worthy partner to any man. I’m a good mother & an awesome friend. I’m the best in the world @ what I do, which is write things that make people think. I’m also really good @ my day job. I may not believe these things every second of every day, but I’m going to try so that I can keep making myself happy & create my own happily ever after.
I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately, mainly because my friend is doing a lot of it. She’s on a new first date almost every weekend. I wish I could be that person sometimes; the person who can detach themselves until they’re ready to get attached, I’m not sure why. But I’m not. I’m just that one man girl. However, as I (hopefully) move into my new home (as house hunting has become a clusterf*ck), I realize that I need to be open to the idea of falling in love again. I don’t think I’m ready just yet, but in case I do meet someone in my new city, I need to be open to the idea that my Mr. Right is there somewhere. So, over the last few weeks, I’ve been focusing on finding a house, letting go of the life I knew & opening myself up to the idea of dating again.
I know there is a right person out there for me. I don’t know if I’ve met them, if I haven’t, but they are somewhere. But I figure he should be prepared for what life with me will be like, so I wrote this letter.
Dear Soulmate,
I don’t know if I’ve met you yet. Maybe I did. Maybe we’ve dated & messed it up & the universe keeps trying to make it right. Maybe you’re the hot guy @ the Wind Mobile store who gave me directions while house hunting last month. Maybe you’re one of those first dates I never gave a chance. Maybe you’re a childhood friend I’ll casually bump into. Maybe you’re someone I’ve never met & when I do, I’ll know why everyone before you sucked. But once the universe puts us together, I wanted to let you know a few things so we can work.
1. My kids & my writing come first. Always. These are my true loves & I need to put them first. They were here before you. They’ll be here after you. I don’t expect you to raise my girls, but if you meet them, I expect you to love them. If you promise them something, keep it. Be good to them. Treat them the way you would want me to treat your family. They are sweet, wonderful children & they will love you so much. Don’t break their hearts. Respect my writing. Know it’s my life. Be proud of me when I land a great story because I’ll be thrilled to death.
2. My life is generally a chaotic mess of my own making. I’m trying; really. If you could just stick around & gently help me learn the values of organization & time management instead of tsk tsking, I’d really appreciate it.
3. I’m good in a crisis, but little things tear me to pieces. There’s a reason, and someday I’ll tell you.
4. I will always be afraid that you’ll leave me. ALWAYS. It’s not that I won’t trust you, it’s just I’m always afraid of losing people. It’ll make me clingy sometimes. Just sit me down & look me in the eye & tell me to chill out because you love me & it’ll be okay.
5. Please don’t ask my friends how to talk to me, or to relay info to me. Please talk to me. Things get messed up that way. Let’s keep everything between us (& with your permission, high level blog fodder).
6. I won’t get jealous per say, but I will tell you if something is bothering me. I will also trust you to handle those situations in a way that you see fit. I don’t tell men what to do. I explain why it bugs me & trust you. I don’t see the point in getting pissy.
7. I’ll have infinite patience for your crap. I’ll give you a million chances & if you’re worth it, take you back if you walk away. Because I love unconditionally, without restrictions & see you for what you are & embrace it. You will be safe & adored with me. You will be treated like Superman.
8. That doesn’t mean treat me like crap either. I’m not going to devalue me for you like I did with all of my other relationships with men. If I’m kissing your ass because I think you’re Prince Charming, than you should treat me like post-slipper Cinderella. You should know that I’m beautiful & special & I deserve to be happy too. You should want to make me as happy as I’m dying to make you & if you don’t want to do that, then you are too selfish to be with ANYONE, least of all me. Relationships are about loving each other, not sucking someone’s love like a sponge & leaving them when your ego is boosted, or expecting someone to be your saviour & make you feel awesome while you are degrading or abusing me. One person shouldn’t be doing all of the giving. I will always give you more, it’s my nature, but I’m not going to accept a man’s complete lack of effort. Love is work. Love is about doing the right thing for the other person, because even if it wasn’t what you might have wanted, you made that person happy. If you try, even a little, I’ll give you the damn world; but I think I’m worth you making me a little happy too. I am smart & pretty & charismatic & charming. I am strong & patient & brave & have survived more than you will ever know. I am driven to succeed & have done well thus far. I am great @ trivia & can use big words in their proper context. I’m well read & elegant, but love wrestling & beer. I’m awesome & I’m worth a lot: I’m worth swallowing pride for. I’m worth admitting you are wrong & I am worth fighting for, even if you’re fighting some internal battle with yourself & if you don’t know that, then there is another man that will & this letter is for him.
9. I’m weird. I sing along with mall music, I’m often immature. I’m a general goofball. I generally have the weight of the world on my shoulders, so when I get to be “free” I like to let loose. I don’t care how much I love you, I will hang up on you during a boss fight while playing Zelda & I strongly recommend backing off on criticizing The Hunger Games trilogy. I’m a proud nerd. I will whip your ass @ Mario Kart & attempt to whip your ass @ Halo & I’ll definitely whip your ass @ Backgammon as I learned from the master; my father. I’ll also do all of this while explaining life lessons found in To Kill a Mockingbird, Edgar Allen Poe & Winnie the Pooh.
Just one of my nerdier moments
10. I'm crazy. General anxiety disorder is the technical term. I have panic attacks. So, when crap goes wrong, I'll freak out. I'll be terrified that everything is wrong. I'll try to pull you closer because I don't want to lose you. I do it to my friends too. Please don't pull away, even if that's your instinct, because it'll make me more afraid, as during these periods I'm as emotionally fragile as a baby bird. Just hold me & talk me through it & I'll go back to being the perfectly understanding girlfriend who doesn't get mad & allows you all of your space in about half an hour. If I am holding on too tightly, tell me. Say "MH, I get it, but chill the eff out because I feel strangled." I'll listen. But I can't do that if you don't tell me. I don't read minds & if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll get more panicked trying to fix it. Tell me what's going on & we'll work on it together.
11. Sometimes I'm going to need you to be my rock. I'll be yours too. I'll be yours through everything. Just come to me & I'll make it okay. In fact, I'll prally be there more for you than me, because I generally bottle things up until I'm crazy, crying MH. Please find this endearing, or at least tolerable, because no one ever does.
12. I will never pretend to like your sports or your crappy music or that lame show you watch. But I’ll sit through them while making you food & I won’t ask stupid questions. I don’t expect you to like mine either. However, a healthy appreciation for pancakes is appreciated.
15. This may seem like a pretty big list, but I promise you it’s super simple, because I’ll love you more & better than a anyone else pretty much ever. I’ll treat you like you’re the best non-parenting thing that ever happened to me. I’ll gush about you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’ll be your ally in life and we’ll be a team. I promise I’ll make loving me worth it by giving you everything you ever wanted. But if all else fails, I’m really pretty. That should help a little.
See? Super pretty!
I’m excited to see who you turn out to be. I hope we have an amazing love story, like some Nicholas Sparks level junk. I hope you’ll know how much I love you & how much I’ll value & respect you. I hope you know how much I’ll put up with to make you happy & I hope you’ll do the same for me. I hope you’ll know that I already think you’re amazing & I don’t even know who you are! I hope you’re wondering if you’ll ever meet a person just like me (or how to return to me, or turn friendship into love or if I’ll come back to your Wind Mobile kiosk). Like Katy Perry says, “I know you’re out there & you’re looking for me,” & I hope you come soon, because while I’m cool with single life, I kind of want to stare into your eyes & have my breath taken away.
I once wrote a blog post defending my doormat personality.
One of my oldest friends gave me crap. He told me that me continuing to be the big hearted doormat would leave me feeling empty & hollow with no direction. He was right.
Then, a Facebook friend (& the author of Coffee & Curse Words) started sharing all of the things he did to make his life better & honestly, he’s one of the happiest & most honest people I know.
I mentioned in passing that I envied him for being able to take control of his life & live it & he very succinctly reminded me that I could too, if I wanted to. After all, no one is really chained in one place. There are work arounds for everything. All we need to do is take control. He wrote a post about learning to be happy, & he mentioned putting yourself first…something I have NEVER done. All of my life I’ve lived for other people & I was left feeling under appreciated & broken & a simpering whiner, a poor role model for my daughters. I allowed it, because I thought being a doormat showed people I loved them. It might have, but it also showed people that I wasn’t an equal, to the point that people cut ties with me once I started demanding to be equal. People blamed their faults, insecurities & cruelty on me. It’s my fault you’re an asshole because I was insecure. It’s my fault you’re a liar because I might cry. I started to believe it; I was a toxic person, until my oldest friend reminded me that my life was much calmer, much more tranquil without the “friends” & how I seemed much more like my bad ass self. Maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe they are jerks & I allow people to treat me like crap because I want so much to please people that I justify it to myself & everyone else. But what about MH? What happens to her? I think she’s pretty amazing & deserves a Helluva lot better than she’s been dealt, so she’s through taking crap.
I was going to start living & loving me.
I decided it was time for a change. Over the last few months, I started writing in a cathartic manner, letting out all of the things I held in. I often forget people read my blog, so I was writing for me, to get out all of the emotions I held onto. I’m glad that you could relate, but I was doing it for me.
Then, I thought about what I wanted for me. Yes, me. No more thinking about my friends, family, ex husband, potential love interests. ME. I came to three conclusions (well, four. But one isn’t an option, so I’m focusing on the three that are):
1. I want to work in media. I want to freelance for a new magazine, learn new skills & maybe in a different genre.
2. I don’t want to live in Windsor & haven’t for almost three years. The job market isn’t what I would want, the media opportunities are slim & my child is almost a teenager & is thinking of her future & I don’t think I would want her attending St. Clair College or the University of Windsor (before anyone jumps on me, I did graduate from St. Clair College…twice.)
3. I want my daughters to grow up in a city that is growing, thriving. Something that isn’t bound by industry or union struggles. A place that has growth.
So, when an opportunity arose to leave Windsor with my job & benefits intact, I jumped. I gave my landlord notice. I signed the dotted line & in 89 days, I will be in my new home in a new city.
This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done & I’m thrilled. My house has been chosen by me, with no one’s approval. I didn’t ask a million people if they thought it was a good idea. I made a choice for my life & ran with it. I’m finally doing what I’ve wanted to do since I filed for divorce & that’s move away from Windsor & build my life & career in a new city with new opportunities. I’m showing my girls that you need to do what’s best for yourself, even if it’s not necessarily popular (which it hasn’t been). My friends don’t necessarily agree, but they are being supportive. I can still be a kind person, but like my friend said a year ago, I don’t need to sacrifice the best parts of me to please people. I need to be selfish & live my life on my terms for me.
So, the next 89 days will boast trick or treating, Christmas, purging a whole bunch of stuff we don’t need, donating, painting a hallway my children drew on & as 2013 comes to a close, the next chapter of my life begins & it’s one I’m excited to start.
The Misadventures of MHC 