Day 16: Body Image

I used to love my body…then I got fat.


I got REALLY fat. I weighed almost 300 lbs @ the time I graduated college & had my second daughter. I felt disgusting, so I worked out, did weight watchers & lost 70lbs.


But it’s a yoyo thing; I get depressed, I gain weight. I get motivated, I drop it. I had friends tell me “you look fine!” Maybe I do, but not to me. I think I’m fat. I can understand how Rachel Frederickson ended up underweight during her recent stint on the Biggest Loser. When you’ve been a thin girl & now you’re a fat girl, there is nothing more intoxicating than the compliments, the scale number going down, the smaller pants. It’s amazing! So, you keep on wanting it & that’s how you go too far.

Courtesy NBC
Courtesy NBC

One of the things I realized is that my low self esteem kills my relationships. I choose men who are narcissistic & then feed their egos because I don’t like myself. I think it’s okay to be ignored, neglected because I’m a fat & ugly basket case & they’re great guys & are “putting up with me.” That’s not true; they were lucky to have me! I treated them well & was supportive & loving. Then I drain my friends because I feel like I let those men and my family down by not being good enough and kill those relationships by feeling unworthy of friendships. I need to get out of the mindset that I’m unworthy or ugly. I need to look @ myself & think I’m pretty & bright & sweet & kind & I deserve to be loved. But I don’t see pretty; I see fat. So, I decided to take control & stop being fat.

I started eating better. No more days of not eating while focusing on work, the kids, etc. Three meals & one snack. I watch my calories & fat through the Lose It! app. I talk to my best friend the Psych Major (who, along with her husband, are personal trainers) about the right eating habits & I work out every night. Every night is Stratusphere Yoga. I did the 30 squat challenge & I’m on Day 17 of the ab challenge. I’m going to do 30 days of push-ups next & come spring, I’ll be ready to start couch to 5k. All of these things have helped me safely lose 15lbs thus far. I have a long way to go, but I prefer to look at how far I’ve come.


I need to take responsibility for my own happiness, my own self esteem. After all, if I can’t love myself, how can anyone else, so I’m taking responsibility for my weight & I’m committing myself to losing it. After all, there are no magic pills or fad diets. The only way to lose weight is to eat right, drink lots of water & get up off of your ass & exercise. So, that’s what I’m going to do & finally lose the weight & gain my self esteem back. It might take a long time, but that’s okay. I’m in no hurry to do anything. But the more I work towards getting my body to the way I want it to be, the more confident I feel and the happier I am. All of these things will count towards me getting to be the person I know I’m capable of being.


Don’t Want To Go Home

Strengthen the body, strengthen the mind.

This is my life in a nutshell. That’s not true; my life is parent, work, work out, sleep, repeat. But I’m focused on making my life better one day @ a time. It’s important to me to make my fresh start in my new city a successful one, so I’m focusing on all the areas of my life that need to change so I can build a better life for myself & my daughters.

I take a lot of flack & I see your subtweets where you call me annoying & I read the “you’re a prude” texts but I’m very focused on being a role model for my daughters. They see what I do & emulate. It’s why I’m focusing on keeping my house clean, because if they see slovenly Mama, they’ll do it. If I don’t promote healthy living, they won’t do it. If I act like casual sex is cool & I need to “get mine,” they won’t see their bodies as temples. Children see & how I treat others, how I date, all of this is what they will learn. Kids are watching even when you think they aren’t & I’m determined to teach them kindness, empathy, wellness, self love. A womanizer dad teaches his daughter she is an object. An abusive man teaches his daughters it’s right for men to hit women. A doormat mama teaches her daughters that she has no value. This applies in reverse. I consider how all my choices affect my girls. It’s why I struggle with this dating thing, because I need to know by the end of date one if I’d want you to be part of their lives someday. The answer is always no. So, dating is going to continue to take a backseat. Besides, why enter a relationship that I’ll end in four months? That’s stupid.

I can’t just keep focusing on strengthening the body, although it does wonders for anxiety levels…and my butt. I need to start living smarter. I need to show my girls how to live smarter, interact smarter. That includes being less of a doormat. Part of this is dating smarter, which is why I bought THIS.


Yes, cue the laughter but every man I’ve ever loved is a toxic man. I always knew this & thought loving them would make it okay. The silent treatment would stop because if I loved him & accepted it, he’d finally learn to communicate. The violence would stop because if I loved him, he’d quell his rage & go get help. If I loved him, he’d stop running & coming back because he’d make up his damn mind & stop keeping me on the hook. For months I held on to all of this self defeat, because none of these men saw my love as good enough. Then one day I realized that they don’t love anyone; themselves, their children, me, enough to look @ how they sabotage their lives, make messes, fall into patterns of self loathing, serial womanizing, & generally crushing the world around them. I loved them the best I could, but they’re toxic; they need to fix it, not me. It’s not about me; I can’t make someone stop hurtful behaviour with love. If they did love me, they would be here. If they loved themselves & their children, they’d work @ stuff. They’d have made the doctor’s appointments & gotten the counselling. They’d have told me what was bothering them when it was a minor issue & not shut me out for weeks until it was a huge, made up issue & ran. They wouldn’t have manipulated me for months after the relationships ended & watched me cry, whether it was from the window across the street or from my blog. That’s not love; it’s control.

I can’t show my daughters that it’s okay for men to mow them down & destroy them. My job is to show them the right way. My job is to teach them to love themselves first & foremost & the rest comes as it should. So, I need to stop choosing men that cannot love themselves, because they cannot love me. Right now, I cannot love a man because for over a year, I’ve hated myself. I hated myself because I blamed myself for the actions of others. He left me because he’s perfect & I’m a terrible girlfriend. That friend is mean because I’m a bad friend. So I gave more & more to others & left nothing for me. That’s not a good example for my girls @ all! So, I’m dedicating myself to loving who I am so I can love someone else someday. But when you continuously hurt people that love you, over & over again. When you cut out people who care about you; friend or lover & it’s over a minor, easily fixed issue, or something made up, you need to ask yourself…what’s wrong with you, not them. I had to ask myself what was wrong with me, what poor choices do i make in my relationships with men & friends. I chose toxic men & friends & felt depressed when they’d hurt me because I never got angry. I never told people when they made me angry because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings (or risk them leaving me). I never stood up for myself so I invited cruelty & hurtful behaviour in. I never said “You need to talk to me about stuff because I’m sick of this crap. I love you, but I’m doing all of the work. Talk to me. Try a little. Stop setting every relationship up for failure & hiding everything until you panic. Trust me,” because they’d leave me. I never said “you know what? I find you are a non-supportive friend & your continuous mocking of my makeup, hair & weight makes me feel insecure.” I never said “if you don’t like being in the middle, don’t put yourself there. Tell him to talk to me & give him my number & butt the eff out. You’re always in the middle because you cross boundaries & revel in the drama you create. Then you play victim to all of the guys because you can’t keep girlfriends but it’s because you Stab them in the back, meddle in their affairs, talk poorly about everyone you know & I don’t know why I keep trying to be your friend, but I do because I think you’re a good person underneath & I care & I want the friendship we used to have.” But I never did that because people would get mad & I feared anger. I continued to cultivate relationships with people who are toxic because I loved them & didn’t want to lose them, but it didn’t discuss things or work on anything. I just blamed myself. It had to be my fault; & it was because I set the standard that this is okay. I accepted responsibility for their actions instead of accountability for mine (like yes, I let my triple broken heart seep into the rest of my life, making it almost impossible up breathe or allowing the silent treatment to send my insecurities & anxieties through the roof, making me insufferable. I couldn’t handle pain, I fixated on minor things. I allowed sadness to take over my life. I needed to work on the things I do that drive people crazy, like the insecurities & low self esteem. Those are things I was doing wrong & I accept that). But that’s toxic too. Believing that love will fix someone’s demons is toxic. Letting people step on you & then languishing feeling like a victim even though I never stood up for myself is toxic. Victimizing myself is toxic. So, I won’t be a victim. I’ll stand up for myself & if friendships, relationships die, well, I’ll remember the amazing memories & wish you well in your life & move forward in my journey. Now, I’m cool with getting angry. I’m not going to coddle & worship anyone again. I’ll still love like I do & give like I do, but I’m not going to gloss over flaws or tell you jerky behaviour is okay. It’s all about living smarter, by learning how to identify what I do not want in a person & how to avoid making the same mistakes over again.