self love – Page 14 – The Misadventures of MHC

Writing’s on the Wall

September 25, 2015September 29, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Life, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Parenting a teenager super sucks sometimes.

I’m fortunate that I’m raising a mature & well rounded teen girl. She’s not concerned with gossip. She doesn’t waste days on social media. She likes boys & fashion & selfies & reality TV, but she’s not caught up in celebrity worship as much as her peers (except for Queen Taylor Swift).

I’m perfectly fine with my daughter loving Taylor Swift. She’s a good person who loves her friends and her fans. She promotes the concept of women building up other women. She responds to criticism with class and poise. She isn’t afraid to stand up for other artists. Taylor Swift is a fine role model for young women & I applaud her commitment to retaining her true personality despite her growing fame.

However, my daughter’s new school friend recently teased her (good naturedly) for her obsession with the E! Reality show Total Divas. She adores the Bella Twins (Brie & Nikki) and enjoys their adventures as they climb the mountain to become the most dominant Divas in WWE history (a feat they’ve accomplished as Brie is the only Diva to co-main event a PPV, and Nikki recently held the Divas Championship longer than any Diva in history). But her friends are more concerned with Keeping Up With the Kardashians, most notably, their “style icon and role model,” Kylie Jenner.

My daughter argues that her reality show is better, because Brie & Nikki Bella have an actual skill, whether their skill is respected by mainstream entertainment fans or not. Brie & Nikki can wrestle; they train to wrestle. Nikki has continued to compete through three separate injuries over the 301 days she was Divas champion. Brie & Nikki travel often, missing weddings, family functions, all in the name of entertainment. Brie most recently missed her first wedding anniversary because she was touring. My daughter often points out that Kylie has no discernible skill, nor do any of her sisters. They don’t have actual jobs, or a talent, or anything that makes them special, so why are we keeping up with them. But I overheard her friends this week telling her that Kylie Jenner is an icon & they should all aspire to be like her, get her signature pout & her relationship with rapper Tyga are “relationship goals.” All of this sort of makes me sad.

I don’t know Kylie Jenner. I’m sure she’s a very sweet girl. She’s quite pretty. If she is a wild child, it’s probably more due to a lack of adequate supervision from her parents, Kris & Caitlyn Jenner. But there are so many more interesting things for young girls to aspire to be than pretty with a full pout. There is so much more for young women to accomplish than dating a 25 year old man while underage and bikini selfies and launching an app with makeup tips. These girls are 13 and 14 years old. They can grow into women of distinction; they can change the world. Why are they limiting themselves by wanting to be more like a woman with no discernible talent & her only goal is to be pretty & desired by men? Is this how my parents felt when I was all about Madonna?

Girls, please don’t sell yourself short. If you must look up to someone famous, why not Hailee Stenfeld? This young lady was nominated for an Academy Award at the age of 14. She recently released her single “Love Myself,” which is quickly climbing the Billboard charts. The catchy song is an anthem for self love, reminding people that as long as she sees her worth, she doesn’t need anyone to validate her. What about Malala Yousafzai, who took on the Taliban, survived a gunshot wound & now advocates education for women in underdeveloped countries. Both of these young women are the same age as Miss Jenner & their messages are so much more positive. Love who you are, grow as a woman, seek knowledge. While neither may have Miss Jenner’s perfect pout, they have something so much more: goals & aspirations & a desire to make the world better.

Somewhere, did we as parents fail our children? We can blame the media for giving the Kardashian-Jenner clan attention, but we are responsible for their infamy. We comment on their articles, we download their games, much like the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Episode, if you ignore them, they will die. We keep them alive with every retweet, click and comment.

But maybe it’s deeper. Maybe we as moms have failed our children by our own example. Why do our daughters aspire only to be pretty? They don’t learn from celebrities, they learn from us. We can blame Barbie, even Kylie Jenner, but we have to ask what kind of example are we setting? Do we acquiesce to our husbands? Did we abandon our goals? Do we focus too much on our own aesthetic so that out daughters see us fearing aging & obsessed with being “Cougars” because either we are single moms hoping to meet a mate or because we still want to feel sexy? There is nothing wrong with these things on the surface, know there are times I’m too caught up in my appearance, especially my weight & my weight loss journey & I need to be mindful of that for my daughters. But perhaps we need to use them as talking points, while aspiring to be more; professionally, personally. Perhaps we as moms need to start setting goals for ourselves to showcase that we as moms are strong, brave, smart and beautiful. Then perhaps our daughters will look up to us, admire us, and not Kylie Jenner. Because your daughter’s role model should be you, not the flavour of the week on TV. Maybe if we kept up with being the best version of ourselves, our kids could keep up with us, and not the Kardashians.

From Here to Zero

September 22, 2015September 22, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

I’m a strong believer in my personal privacy.

I post pics of my kids on my social media, but never on my blog because while I choose to write about my life, I also respect that they do not choose to do that, so I don’t post their names or photos. My number one pet peeve in life is those parents who post literally every personal milestone of their kids lives (photos of them on the potty, telling stories of them smearing poop on the walls) on social media. I try to limit stories about my kids to when they are doing hilarious things. Adversely, I blog about my personal life, as I write to sort through my own feelings. I’ve been through a lot when it comes to my interpersonal relationships and I know I still have some growing to do, I still need to learn to trust better and I need to stop fearing the idea of a legally binding lifetime commitment because fear only holds us back from truly being happy. Writing about it helps me find my way. But I never post it on social media (that’s not true, there are TWO photos on my Instagram).

There was a random mention of my significant other on my Facebook on my birthday, when I excitedly wanted to show off his adorably thoughtful present to me. When I first moved here, I was beyond excited to find penguins in the West Edmonton Mall, as penguins are the most awesome animals on the planet. One night, when I was dreadfully homesick, he sent me a text message, telling me that I would adjust, it would be okay, he loved me so and he would do whatever it took to help me feel at home here, including find me a penguin to be my pet. My penguin may be cuddly and stuffed, but the gesture was very sweet, and now my penguin sleeps with me at night (judge me, I don’t care). I had a couple of people ask me about my significant other and overcthe past few months, some of my closest friends challenged me on my comfort level about my relationship because I never mention it online. But it’s not for a lack of faith in my romantic life that keeps me mum on the details of my romance online or to the masses, it’s quite the opposite; I keep it mine because it’s mine.

It’s not a secret who I am dating. My friends and family know who I’m seeing and his friends and family know as well. But the seriousness, the depth of our commitment, the things that are personal are not for public domain. Obviously my closest friends are in the know (So Erica, Melissa and the Gleason Table), but I really don’t feel that the general population needs to know the ins and outs of my love life. That is mine. It’s a part of my life that is very important to me, much like my career and my children. Obviously, I wouldn’t post my job satisfaction on the internet, or personal things about my children, so why would I post things about my love life on the Book of Face?

I used to, but I also see that before I was VERY insecure about my relationship. I was always afraid the relationship would fall apart, so I thought if I said I was happy, then I would convince myself I had nothing to worry about. I see now that was actually stupid. I was inviting the peanut gallery into my relationship. That brought about mistrust, which combined with my insecurities and his fear of long term commitment (and mine) prompted the relationship to implode. I see people all the time on FB talking about people poking into their relationships and telling their friends/family to mind their own business and I often think, then don’t constantly put your business out there with memes and statuses and stuff. But, during the evolution of MHC, I realized that in order to be a decent partner, things needed to change. One of the things that needed to change was my reliance on the acceptance of others. It doesn’t matter if my friends like my boyfriend; I am in love with him. It doesn’t matter if he posts a million cutesy things on Facebook, in fact, we rarely interact on social media. We communicate away from social media. We talk, we text, we cuddle. I learned that to keep a relationship healthy, you need to keep your relationship in house. Facebook does not need to know that I love my boyfriend: he does. Every time I see these over the top FB declarations of love or passive aggressive statuses or the constant switch from “single” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship.” Yuck. Why do you need to convince the planet you’re in love?

There are exceptions to every rule. I have some friends that post the odd cute photo & they radiate love & you feel happy for them. My two favourite coaches at my old gym are those people. My friends Nic & Sarah as well. But again, these are vacation photos, rare snippets in time. Not an all out assault of “LOOK HOW IN LOVE WE ARE.” They are sharing small snippets of their lives, which is the point of social media. It’s about small pieces of your life, but the story is for you alone. Sometimes I think about how people like Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds recently had to cut a friend out of their lives to protect daughter James’s privacy. Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux had to hide their wedding plans & take their guests cell phones to protect their privacy. WWE interviewer Renee Young put fans on blast because a harmless photo of her & fellow broadcaster Corey Graves taken on her birthday was misconstrued, followed by insulting comments asking about the whereabouts of her longtime boyfriend, WWE Superstar Dean Ambrose. She chooses to keep their relationship private, and fans get angry that she isn’t sharing photos. All these people want is to enjoy their private moments. Then we regular folks abuse the very same privacy by putting it all out there to be analyzed & get angry when people do.

Maybe someday I’ll feel comfortable sharing snapshots of my life. Maybe not. But until I reach that place, I choose to protect my personal life & my children’s privacy. You do not need to know when my child used the bathroom. You do not need to know the intimate details of my personal life. But the little bits I do share, I enjoy sharing with you, as I enjoy those rare snapshots of your life as well.

Style

September 2, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Life, My New Life As Me

Happy birthday ASH Multimedia!

Five years ago, I started this little blog to help endorse my ex husband’s photography career. The photography & the husband are gone, but after 511 posts, over 65K views & five years, I’m still writing & that’s kind of rad.

I don’t even recognize the person I used to be. I look at old photos and wonder who that woman is. I don’t recognize her (not just because I’ve dropped 100lbs) & I’m so glad. I love the person I found while muddling through life & finding that my life needed many things; passion for my career, a commitment to being a role model to my daughters, all the Crossfit, and the strength to stand on my own & become the woman I always was meant to be.

I no longer fear being my overly determined, impulsive & flighty self. I no longer fear being left to deal with life on my own. I no longer fear anything, except for geese, because they are terrible. I don’t take life too seriously anymore; I’m not going to make it out alive anyway. Now I trust that the universe will put me where I need to be & I’ll sieze those opportunities & make them my bitch. I’ve finally hacked away all the poison friends, relationships, self doubt & fear & have only the good left. And I love it.

I used to think that I needed to conquer the world (this is lies, I still want this), but now, I just want to work towards my goals & make my daughters proud of me. So, I’ve decided to build my life on three basic rules. All I need is this;

1. Something to work for (whether it’s to be a better writer, or a better mother, a better girlfriend, Crossfitter, or human).

2. Someone to love & love me in return (my children, my friends, my mom & brother & my beau, whom I have always loved & always will)

3. Faith in myself & my path, whether it’s the one that was well worn, or the one I forged myself through the mountains.

The rest are details that mean little to me. I may never be a staff writer (this is lies, I for sure will), or a wife again (which is so low on my list of priorities, under “get root canal”), or a size six. But I will always be MHC & that’s the most awesome thing ever.

Thanks for hanging out with me & my kooky life for five years. I’m sorry if you applied any of my ideas to your life & probably screwed it up for you. Might I suggest Taylor Swift or Beyoncé as a role model? They’re much better at this. I hope you don’t recognize yourself from five years ago because you’ve grown into the person you were meant to be. I hope you’ve found joy, happiness, & you’ve found the love of your life.

I look forward to what the next five years will bring…

Show Me Your Fangs

August 28, 2015August 29, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I have a confession; I waste a lot of time on social media.

When all of your friends are two time zones away, I get lonely, so I waste time on social media. My favourite places to waste time are on George & Brad Takei’s respective FB pages. Today he posted a hilarious meme that had me cracking up;

Don’t worry, all the Tumblr Social Justice Warriors were out in full force, explaining how Barbie was designed to fulfill men’s fantasies & create an unrealistic standard for women & He-Man was half alien (no he wasn’t) & little boys know the difference between a doll’s body & a real one because it’s make believe & girls shouldn’t have Barbies or Princess a Dolls because they teach them how to be damsels in distress.

Let me tell you that all of this is bullshit.

When I was a little girl, I played with Barbie. I had Dr. Barbie, Rock Star Barbie, and yes, I was gifted Reporter Barbie at the age of six. I didn’t see Barbie’s waist or hair & think “I have body image issues!” I was excited that she had a bad ass job & after work, she could dress up to go out with my Jordan Knight doll.

Anyone who thinks Barbie is somehow hurting little girls makes me sad, because Barbie gets a bum rap. Barbie has had 150 careers, owns her own house, her own car, stables, an RV, a moped, among other things. No disrespect to the men out there that do respect women and their career choices, but I’m pretty sure a doll designed to fulfill the desires of men wouldn’t be an independent bad ass who owns her own stuff & works hard. What I learned from Barbie is that girls can do damn near anything they want. My daughters play with Barbie (although the younger two prefer Ever After High) and they always liked that Barbie was a vet, or a nurse, or a pilot. Yes, there are cooking sets, or beach dolls, but all people eat & go to the beach. That’s not sexist; that’s liking to eat & go to the beach.

even Barbie understands the importance of converged journalism

What grinds my gears is the idea that boys wouldn’t feel body image pressure from a toy, but girls are fragile flowers that must be protected. Boys have body image issues too. While I don’t feel that the media or celebrities have the power to make you feel badly about yourself, as you choose how you feel about yourself & have the power to change it if you don’t like it, saying a little boy wouldn’t feel inadequate because it’s make believe play (you know, like BARBIE) is silly. Personally, I don’t get it because everyone on Eterna looked like He-Man, even Bo, that dick that pined for Adora. Maybe Eterna’s schools have a heavy focus on PE.

Every super hero for boys is ripped. Did Captain America have the dad bod? Nope. What about Chris Pratt, who women say “got hot” when he got in shape for Guardians of the Galaxy? Men are bombarded with images of the triangle body. Again, I don’t think a magazine or a celebrity can give you body image issues, you have them because of you & only you can learn to embrace them or fix them, I’ve said this before. But if you did believe that, then why wouldn’t you believe that a toy could also affect a little boy as Barbie would a girl?

At the end of the day, no toy, no magazine, no celebrity can make you feel badly. No words can hurt you unless that’s how you already feel about yourself. People call me fat, crazy, whatever, but I choose to love myself & focus on being healthy with a eating healthy & the odd treats in moderation & Crossfit. Words only hurt if you give them the power to hurt. But if He-Man is make believe & kids can’t learn body image issues from toys, let’s stop saying it about Barbie, as she’s cut from the same plastic.

and we can finally focus on something important!

Raised On It

August 21, 2015August 22, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

So, anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been reading about the Ashley Madison hack and I find it completely hilarious.

I’m not one to revel in the misfortunes of others, but watching guys like Josh Duggar, who for years have tried to make LGBT families, divorcees and anyone who doesn’t fit into their traditional mold of marriage feel like they are somehow deficient try to squirm their way out of this makes me giggle. Watching them try to blame Satan for their hypocrisy warms the cockles of my tiny black heart.

However, the fall of the Ashley Madison website brings me a personal joy for a more personal reason. During my year as a newlywed, my former husband & I had a million and one problems, most of which stemmed from the fact that we were far too young and not ready to be married. But he worked midnights and my roommate and good friend had discovered that this website was real. So, we looked it up and were horrified at the number of people we knew that were on this site trolling for affairs, one of which was my ex husband. In the infancy of our marriage, maybe even before we had said our I do’s, had been looking for an affair. I chose to stay with him for the next seven years, and I’m glad I did as we later had two beautiful children, but the shock and betrayal stayed with me, as our marriage was marred by a lack of trust, which was pretty valid as he cheated on me pretty much all the time. After our first year of marriage, I discovered that the weekend he sent me to visit friends in our hometown was so he could meet a friend in a hotel for a tryst. About two years ago, he admitted to me (while heavily drunk) that he had slept with the stripper next door. I received an email from his former friend’s wife confirming they had been sleeping together while I was pregnant and on bedrest with our second child. And he was once banned from working as a photographer at two separate bars in our old hometown for sexually harrassing the staff. These all stuck with me for years, negatively impacting my future relationship. I would remember the female friends who weren’t platonic friends, the comments about how if he didn’t think I’d get mad, he would be trying to get with our female friends, or the time he propositioned my best friend to have a three way with him and our friend Sarah. It bothered me so much that I didn’t know how to trust a man who said he loved me and it took three years of therapy to feel okay and accept that not every man on Earth was out to hurt me or cheat on me.

I sent an email to the creator of Ashley Madison and blasted them for providing this service. I asked them how could they sleep at night knowing that they were making it easier to break the hearts of so many trusting souls. The reply I got was that maybe I should have been a better wife and lover, and my husband wouldn’t have wanted to stray, a sentiment he would tell me when I would put him on blast for his flirting, or whatever I caught him doing (that he would always say was misunderstood, or he was misunderstood, because he was the victim and why wouldn’t I just do *insert sex act here* and he wouldn’t have to want to cheat?).

This is why I laugh when I see the cheaters on Ashley Madison squirming and crying about their privacy.

I feel for the victims, and by victims, I mean the actual victims. The spouses who used the tool on Wired and got the unfortunate surprise of “Guess who’s email address was compromised?!” or the stammering conversations where they explain their behaviour. I don’t feel the tiniest bit badly for the “victims” who’s privacy was breached. Oh, I know the dark side, this could happen to anyone and boo hoo and credit cards aren’t secure and the like. But a bunch of horrible people are going to be exposed for betraying their spouses and I’m glad. I hope they feel violated and like their integrity is compromised and awful. You know, the way their spouses have felt for months when they have suspected for months that their partner was cheating, or when they found out the truth.

I have had a few friends who have said to me that since I was a staunch defender of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence when they had their private photos leaked online last year, I should take the same stance on this. I disagree. There is a big difference between private photos that were meant to be viewed by one person privately (such as Jennifer Lawrence’s photos for then partner Nicholas Hoult) and cheating on your mate. While yes, cheating isn’t illegal and having your credit card information compromised totally sucks, you were betraying your partner, and in the case of a guy like Josh Duggar, you were doing it while condemning other people for not living life according to a belief system that you yourself weren’t following. So, I don’t feel totally badly for these “victims,” just the people they have been victimizing, for having to learn that the person that they are with actually sucks in such a public way. Even if you didn’t pick anyone up on Ashley Madison, you had an account, the intent was there and you sir or madam are a raging douchebag. Your partner deserved a million times better and you should feel violated, because you are walking a mile in their shoes and I hope you wear them well.

Maybe I’m biased, because I know how it feels to find out that your spouse has an account with a website designed to help him cheat on you and I know how people like Anna Duggar feel. I hope Anna Duggar takes her kids and leaves him and finds happiness with a man who recognizes how beautiful and special she really is, but I doubt her religion will allow it. Ironically enough, her church will likely badger her with the same answer that Ashley Madison gave me and she will stay with her unfaithful husband. If she does, let’s not shame her or call her stupid. We are not walking in her shoes. We don’t know what her “church” has done to devalue her. But for all of those who are scrambling to “save” their marriage and blaming the Ashley Madison hack, I don’t feel one bit sorry for you, because you already destroyed your marriage when you strayed (or attempted to stray) from your partner; it’s just now everybody knows you were doing it.

And to those encouraging people not to check the list for their partner; I disagree (although I haven’t for reasons that make sense to me). Chances are, you won’t be shocked by the answer. My Texan bestie looked up her own email & hubby, even though she knew the answer just for the lolz. But most people who are checking are either;

a) bored like me or

b) confirming an answer they already knew subconsciously, an answer they have every right to know.

Renegades

August 11, 2015February 16, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

I don’t like to talk about my personal life.

Mostly because it’s mine.

I’m sure that doesn’t make a lot of sense to anyone else, but it does to me. What is mine I like to keep mine. My personal life never goes on FB. Only a handful of people know when I am seeing someone. Any blog posts pertaining to my love life do not get shared on my personal or blog’s Facebook pages. Years ago, I got burned when I was open about my love life. Now I am not. I am far more reserved. I save that part of my life for me & only those closest to me. I don’t need to publicly shout from the rooftops that I am with someone & in love. As long as I’m willing to introduce you to those who are closest to me (my children), then you’re special to me. The rest I like to do slowly, in baby steps, so that I don’t feel in over my head. I once dove in too fast & was engaged after three weeks & married a little over a year later. I always felt like I was drowning, doing too much, too soon & ignoring the red flags. When I was here before, I knew I was with the right person, but I didn’t understand that you can know you’ve met your lobster but not be ready for the major steps. Maybe I’m a lobster that likes to wade in the ocean & not get flung into the pot. Truthfully, I like to let my partner take the lead on major steps & I can let them know how I feel as we go. I like to know their comfort level beforehand. I’ll have a timetable for the next logical step (ie; meet my parents) & unless they take the lead & suggest it much sooner, I’ll bring it up then. If that makes sense. Mostly because I want to do it right; quickly isn’t always “right.” Comfort level is key & mine is “wading pool.”

Everything needs a random Friends reference

Also, my taste in men is generally horrible. I once joked that I was going to buy a shirt that said “I attract losers.” I dated men that didn’t see my worth. I dated men who weren’t there for me when I needed them. I dated abusive psychos & my marriages ended when he tried to smother me with a pillow. I generally pick emotionally abusive or generally horrible people, with the exception of my current love, who was always the right person, just never at the right time. But it is now & it’s wonderful. But I also want to do things in the right way, so I’m more mindful of giving space. I’m more mindful of making sure we take things slowly & do things right & when we are ready, not just jump in, because this lobster likes surf. But I’m also protective of my choices & when those closest to me question my affection for someone & my willingness to give them another chance, I get annoyed. I’m a grown up, I know the risks & I am fine. But, I guess it’s the reasons that annoy me.

“He won’t talk to you every day. He doesn’t even have the decency to send you a good morning text every day. That means he’s not that into you.”

“He’ll have free time & go out with the guys & NOT EVEN INVITE YOU & then leave again because he’ll rather be single & I’ll tell you I told you so…again. You should be his only priority, and you know you’re not.”

Or my favourite;

“You’re dumb & this is gonna blow up because he has no respect for you & I’m going to laugh at you when it does.”

Barf.

Not all. Not unless it follows with “I am on my way with Starbucks,” because prioroties.

Nope. My boyfriend & I do not talk every day. Sometimes I’m busy & doing my own thing, as is he. Besides, we are grown adults, who needs someone to check in every day? Blah. I am not his only priority. He isn’t mine. My number one and two priorities are my daughters & my writing career. Everything else is secondary. If I can’t make someone my number one priority, how could I ask that of someone else? All I ask is that I am one of your priorities, as you are mine.
Besides, cutesy words are highly overrated.

(Before you say “MHC, you write novels in greeting cards”. I sure do. Those are actual feelings. Canned sentiment is not)

There are entire webpages dedicated to templates of “Good morning beautiful,” text messages, in case you were wondering about the romance level. It’s not original; nor is it romantic. It doesn’t mean he thought of you, it’s part of the dude playbook. If he wants to go out without me, go out! Have fun. My love is based on free will. This way, I know the choices he makes when it comes to me are 100% his & I respect them. I understand the concern of my inner circle, as historical precedent predicts a sudden and swift exit, and he’s not telling me what I used to think I needed to hear every second to make me feel secure. But I am secure & I know I’m with the right person for a great many reasons, which likely sound so stupid to my friends, but make perfect sense to me;

He knows my Starbucks order & brings it to me every time he sees me, & even makes sure my name is spelled correctly on the cup, because I am convinced that they don’t spell my name wrong.
He brought me ice cube trays because I mentioned I didn’t have any & would have to pick some up later to make iced tea.
He has remembered my favourite colour, book & movie for four years.
He laughs at jokes I’ve told a million times.
He listens to me babble away & is almost amused by my obsessive need to be the best at everything.
He sits with me at the hospital when I’m dealing with a family emergency & makes stupid faces at me because he knows I won’t listen to his attempts to help anyway. But he doesn’t leave the room to go smoke, or go home when he’s obviously exhausted. He just sits & makes dumb faces or tells dumb jokes so I’ll laugh for 10 seconds.

When he asked to be in my life, I asked why I should believe him & he said he would show me. Words are great, but actions are everything. I set timetables to make sure we are ready & he bends them to show me is ready & committed to being with me. He shows up at my door after time apart to show me that he missed me. Any one can type out a text & not hit send until morning, but someone invested will be there when you need them, or remember something stupid you said that would make your day brighter.

I may have terrible taste in men (or so I’m told), but I know I would rather be with the man who brings me ice cube trays than the guy who says the right words. I’ve been with men who know how to say the right words, but they never did the right things. Now, he sometimes says the wrong thing (not lately, but it’s happened), but despite how my friend sees it, I am a priority. He shows me I am a priority in a million little ways; with his time, with his level of commitment to me, by respecting my comfort zones, & even finding it oddly flattering when I write about him (which I never truly feel comfortable doing, but I’m overtired & had an idea which likely read better in my brain) & often texts me to tell me what he thought; once in such a sweet way it rendered me speechless (for the first time in my entire life).

When given the choice ladies; pick the guy that brings ice cube trays over pretty words. Or if they can do both; pick that guy. The guy who brings the ice cube trays was listening to you & knew you needed them & wanted to make your day easier. That will make you smile far more than a cutesy message (although they can be nice). My father always said pick a man of substance, not a man who knows smooth lines, so I did. Over & over again. And of all the choices I make in life (which are mostly terrible), it’s the best (not parenting or journalism) one I’ve ever made.

Bright

August 6, 2015August 6, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Have you ever been happy, but not that happy?

I’m not unhappy, or sad or anything, & I’m still generally happy with my life. But, I have been in this weird funk for the last few days. Almost mopey even. Even listening to the Overlord’s favourite song on repeat hasn’t helped.

I wonder if it’s because I’ve been doing nothing but work & prepare my house except for two days this past month. Maybe it’s because my District Manager has expectations for me I don’t think I can live up to & the more I’m prepped to take over my store as manager, the more unsure I am that this is the right position for me. I’m excited about my latest article, an entertainment piece on an up and coming Canadian artist, but even my ever growing cow province portfolio isn’t making me upbeat. Can fatigue do this? After all, I haven’t been sleeping well. My youngest isn’t sleeping well because she doesn’t like when I go to work, she wants to be with me every second. So, after she falls asleep, I wrack my brain with trying to help her adjust, as well as what more I can do for them, for work, my life, etc. So, perhaps the lack of sleep caught up to me?

Maybe. There’s also that I’m homesick af.

When you’re a person who thrives on social interaction, taking yourself far away from everyone you know maybe isn’t the best idea. I get so lonely, because I’m used to having friends around. I never really appreciated my break time chats with my friend/former coworker, or when my friend Bonnie would randomly invite me to lunch. I stayed away from home (Windsor) for so long to avoid someone I didn’t actually want to avoid, but was afraid of being let down if I went home & I didn’t see them, that I find myself missing it. It’s not a person or a thing I miss. I miss the feeling that I am “home.”

It’s just stupid things, like wanting chicken wings & fries & a pint without having to check Yelp, because I know Hurricane’s & the Loose Goose have them & they’re yummy. It’s the idea that if I wanted to go out for said chicken wings, I could call Sarah & Nic, or Rena & we would just go (Damanda would just eat fries). Now…I know two people & we rarely have days off at the same time. It’s this weird feeling of “I don’t actually belong here & I’m kind of a floating island that no one knows & I want this place to feel like home.” I know it will, once I find familiar haunts (besides a lake) & meet people & maybe make friends with someone. But how does one make friends when they only have two coworkers & go to the gym? I’m so glad the girls have school, because adults trying to make friends sucks.

Of course, I’m not completely alone. I have the girls. I have the two people I know. I have the person who I care more for than anyone else in the world. But I’m afraid that I’m heading towards a turn of events that feels like I’ve been there before (because I have…twice) & I know how they end. Spoiler alert: it never ends well for me. And no matter how many times I tell myself it’s not rational, it’s not going to happen this time because that’s what my gut instincts tell me, the far more emotional part of me, that sounds a lot like my best friend’s husband says “you’re dumb. You keep blindly whistling along, super happy & the ground is gonna fall out because you know what’s gonna happen next.” And no matter how much I focus on present tense, that nagging fear clings to me & I don’t like it. It just adds to my feeling of being an outsider. Because, as I’ve been reminded, if history repeats itself, I am completely on my own. I’ll have no support system to help me through, because they’re all waiting to say “I told you so.”

I was totally prepared for being far away until I actually was. Now I just feel like a spectator in the world I knew, spending way too much time on FB trying to feel connected, while simultaneously trying to feel like my new world is home. It’s weird; because I know if I was in my London house or home in Windsor, I’d probably just be doing the same thing; chilling with the littles, going to crossfit, blogging about my life. I guess it’s just a matter of building a life as we go.

Fortunately, there are days off that I spend with the littles that things feel like they could be home (like when I finally got to see penguins or out audience with Taylor Swift) & I get excited because this could be home someday. It’s just not yet, & that’s a weird feeling.

Wait For Me

July 27, 2015July 27, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

My house is oddly quiet, except for the prattling of the not so angry teen who is currently enjoying a warm reunion with…her clothing.

My children are home and my heart is full. I can’t remember the last time I have been this happy. I revel in my role as mom, I love being there for my children and raising them and spending my days with them. They’re my favourite people in the entire world and after 28 miserable ass days, they are finally home where they belong, although two of them have been fast asleep since they got home. But they’re resting and recouping after a long journey. Even the cat is happy.

Now we can focus on the adjustment period, where the girls adjust to the new time zone, the new house, etc. I wanted to do this during the summer so they have time to feel comfortable. I sort of flung myself into everything and ended up feeling overwhelmed and a huge emotional wreck. Fortunately, I had friends (home and away) that have been there or me, whether it’s FaceTime chats, or texts, or sobbing phone calls, or even just holding me and reminding me that everything will be fine and they’re right here beside me and they’re not going anywhere. I want my children to have an easier transition. So, I want them to have time to play at the park, learn their way around, enjoy the city, etc. Then we can add school and friends and life. Oh, but first, our audience with Queen Taylor.

Now, our lives in cow province can begin. I’m excited to build a comfortable routine with my daughters. Something where we can be happy and have adventures and enjoy our little existence. It’s going to be nice to have “our” lives again, not to mention it’ll be awesome for them to learn more about our country by living in more than just Southwestern Ontario. They’re excited for the next chapter of our lives and I’m excited too. I used to just be terrified, but the fact that they are here and I no longer have to worry about what’s happening with them makes it easier. I no longer have to wonder about if they’re around something questionable, are the caregivers drinking to excess, are people smoking near them, are they being kept up too late? Now we can go back to our happy life of tea parties, learning and adventures. I start back at the gym full time on Wednesday, so the girls will see a normal schedule again. All of these things are essential to helping them adjust, which is my primary focus right now.

Being reunited with my children makes it easier to focus on why we are here; to continue to build my career. I like my day job and I understand it’s essential, but I came out here for a full time gig. Rome isn’t built in a day, so it’s time to continue to focus on building that portfolio so I can get a permanent position…and learn to drive. You know, perfectly normal things. But I’m very thankful that I have even this sliver of opportunity to build my dream career. I went to school and worked hard and have continued to work hard to get this far. Now, I just need to keep working. Of course, part of that means I need to stop being so hesitant to consider a long term career in entertainment media. I know I want to write human interest stuff and stuff that I feel makes a difference, but I’m really good at music reviews, and editorials about pop culture. Maybe that’s what I’m meant to do? I guess I need to stop bucking the idea and just enjoy writing! Maybe I’ve been a bit of a snob and felt like pop culture wasn’t a long term career plan. Maybe I need to just focus on finding that solid writing job and let the rest fall into place. After all, I guess as long as one person is reading my drivel, it means I’m a success, right?

In the interim, I’m going to enjoy my life. I have always led a pretty charmed existence and each move I make seems to make it better. I have beautiful children, I’m making strides in my career, and I finally know what time it is. I’m blessed with wonderful people who love me. My house is looking pretty nice. Not a bad gig. And I’m going to enjoy watching it play out and see what wonderful things happen next.

Just One Yesterday

July 24, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

My boss REALLY likes conference calls.

Like, a lot.

I suppose I should be grateful that my boss really loves conference calls, because it means she’s invested in my overall job performance. Because she is in Ontario, she understands that leading a team in Cow Province (As Alberta will be known going forward) can lead to feelings of alienation. So, I go on many conference calls and we discuss my performance, how I’m doing, etc. And obviously, the feedback was good, I’m profitable and will continue to be and soon enough when my current manager goes on maternity leave, the store will be mine to run my way, etc. But then, she told me something that everyone tells me and I never listen anyway:

“MHC, I think you just assume that you will just succeed and you’re too hard on yourself because you’re always working to be number one that you don’t factor in things like jet lag, and moving and you’re working yourself to death trying to be the top salesperson here while trying to get your home in order. You must be overwhelmed.”

Can someone work too hard?

I guess it’s because my personality is to be a really nice girl who works really hard. So it doesn’t really bother me. But, as I look at my home, with the trim that still needs to be finished and the table that needs to be bought and the unpacking that needs to be done and the children coming home in a little over 48 hours, maybe I should learn to find some work/life balance.

I wanted to make sure that I settled into my job quickly. I wanted to live up to the expectations that were set for me. So, I didn’t factor in all of the adjustments, nor did I take the sufficient amount of time off to make sure that I could unpack and get my house in order. So, now I’m trying to do it all last minute while working full time. My boss says it’s okay to try and settle and not put so much pressure on myself to be the most successful person that I know. But that feels so out of character.

However, maintaining a successful work/life balance is extremely important and something I struggle with. I have a full life, which is about to get back to normal really quickly. So, I’ll work during the day, head to crossfit at night and then repeat, so my two days off can be for my children and our time together. There’s also getting them off to school in the morning, etc. This past month has had very little work/life balance. Mostly work, rarely life. This won’t do once I’m finally a full time parent again. I need to devote more time to my family, my relationship, but also myself. When one doesn’t take time for themselves and the things that they enjoy, they burn out. Which is probably why I’m exhausted af and feel half dead with the headache from Hell. Because I’ve not allowed myself the things I love that make my life awesome. I’ve had no time for crossfit, no time for yoga, no time to sit amongst my beloved rocks and trees to enjoy how amazing nature is. Just work and paint and no sleep. I’ve been writing a lot, but that’s just a part of my DNA at this point; MH writes and it keeps her sane. But I need to build my routine.

So, maybe I’ll shift my focus a bit for the first time in my entire life. Maybe I will accept that I work too damn hard. Maybe for the rest of the summer, I’ll focus on what actually matters, which isn’t being the most successful person at my workplace, or whatever my kooky goal of the month is. Maybe I’ll focus on building my real people life and creating my routine here and getting reacquainted with how my family and I live day to day. So, having breakfast with the kids, going to work and then the gym, sending random texts, etc. Will it really ruin my children’s lives if I’m still painting some of the trim a couple of days after they get home? Not really. In fact, the not always angry tween is pretty happy about it, because she gets to help paint her Amazing Technicolour Bedroom! I’ll dedicate time to recharge my spirit with nature, and I’ll focus on getting my family adjusted, the thing I didn’t allow myself to do. And then I’ll once again dominate the world of telecommunications…okay, I’ll probably still dominate the world of telecommunications, but once I get home at night, the work phone is shut off and I allow myself to breathe. And by working harder at the things I love most (writing, crossfit, parenting), I’ll be more rejuvenated, which will make me actually like my job more, as its hit or miss right now.

stress = phones, passion = writing. Guess which one I am better at?

Perhaps by finally taking control of my work/life balance, I’ll perform better at my job, because I’m not pushing myself to succeed and stressing when I don’t. As the Overlord says “You don’t cure cancer; you just sell phones.” Maybe I need to readopt that attitude so I don’t let job stress overtake my life, so I can enjoy it.

Fearless

May 23, 2015May 23, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m going to post an unpopular opinion. I’d apologize for posting my unpopular opinion, but I’ve always kind of said what I wanted and if you don’t like it, too bad. As much as I love hate mail, you were warned.

Here it is.

For the next four days, I will be finishing my tenure as a retail associate for a large department store chain. During my time here, I have gotten to listen to people as they check out. Two magazine covers got people’s attention. So I’ll post them & some of the comments I heard:

“Oh she is so brave.”

“Finally, a REAL woman on the cover of a magazine. That’s what a woman is supposed to look like!”

“Ugh. One step forward. Two steps back.”

“Soooooo photoshopped.”

“It’s like they want me to hate myself.”

First of all, BOTH of these women look great! (And they were both likely photoshopped) The smiles, the confident poses, the hair! These women look great!

But why does Jennifer Lopez have to feel guilty for being in shape? And why does Tess Holliday have to have her dress size announced to make you feel good? Why do we have to tear one woman apart to make you feel better about you? Why is “body positivity” “body positivity if you’re fat?”

(Yup. I used the F word. Oh no. It’s a word. It’s a body type. It does not define you)

As someone who worked hard to lose 100lbs, I know I will never be conventionally thin. I currently float between a size 10 & 12 & I’m happy there. But my goal isn’t “thin.” My goal is “strong.” Jennifer Lopez’s taut tummy does not make me feel badly. She looks hot! Tess Holliday doesn’t make me love my body more; she looks great! But they look great because they love themselves, something women struggle with because we are taught to compete with each other. Fat girls tear apart thin girls to feel powerful. Thin girls mock fat girls to hide their own insecurities. Everyone mocks girls who want muscles. And we all credit celebrities with our self worth.

Jennifer Lopez didn’t make you feel badly about your body; you did. Tess Holliday didn’t make you feel good about your body; you chose to feel acceptance from her appearing on a magazine. But you looked the same yesterday. You probably looked hot then too. But you’ve given your power to them. My fitness inspiration is WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella. Her commitment to being strong & not necessarily thin in a world where looks are everything is cool to me. But Nikki is not the reason I love my body. I love my body because I can squat over 100lbs. I love how strong I feel. Self love is the sexiest thing on a woman. So is health. I do not weigh myself anymore. I focus on eating well, keeping active & doing what I like to do to keep active. Are there thinner girls at my gym? Yup. And they look great!

No, I did not pick this photo of Nikki because Seth Rollins is in it. okay, yes I did.

Women, take your power back. Stop with the “real men love curves” or Fat shaming jabs. Embrace that every woman has a unique body & learn to love your own.

Let’s all repeat this:

“All women are beautiful if they are a good person. I will not belittle another body type or transfer their perception of themselves or what makes them beautiful to feel badly about myself. I will respect differences & appreciate that we are unique. If I don’t like myself, I will commit to changing what I don’t like in a healthy way & not put down others to feel better. I will be a woman who builds up other women.”

Because loving yourself & others looks better than a great pair of jeans or a bikini.