love – Page 8 – The Misadventures of MHC

Paper Heart

July 28, 2014July 29, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Just Fun, Life, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Relationships

This weekend I had the chance to attend a good friend’s wedding and it was a lovely affair.

I’m not really big on weddings, as I’ve said many times before, but this wedding was different. My dear friend Sarah had waited a long time for a guy like her darling Nic. She’d been through Hell and back, as she said in her wedding speech, and with him, she felt whole.

As the single girlfriend attending stag, I think I was supposed to be super jealous or something. I always read blogs from single women who whine that it’s not fair that they don’t have a plus one and I knew a girl who whined when anything good happened to a friend, especially a pregnancy, because it wasn’t about her. But I really wasn’t. I couldn’t wait for this wedding…and I hate weddings! Sarah deserved this day. She is a person who gives to others, who loves completely, and watching her find her other half made my heart burst with joy. We laughed, danced, drank, toasted the couple and chatted animatedly with my best friend the Psych Major as we talked about a project that could really take my career to another level. It was arguably the most wonderful day I’ve enjoyed in a long time and I thank them for their hospitality.

The Psych Major and I standing with the gorgeous bride.

As lovely as Sarah looked, there was one moment that stood out for me and I was lucky enough to snap a pic of it. As Nic danced with his mom, Sarah looked on, watching her new husband and her face radiated so much love. It wasn’t just love; it was respect, admiration, adoration, every positive emotion you can possibly feel. In that moment, there were flashes snapping, happy chatter, but for Sarah, there was nothing else going on in that room but her husband and he was the most beautiful thing in the world. I actually teared up seeing her looking at her husband, because it was just such a lovely moment in time. I once saw a photo of a couple on FB and saw that same look and it inspired a whole other blog post of mine (the one that I am most proud of) because it was just such a beautiful photo.

I think everyone wants to feel like Nic and Sarah, two people who have finally found each other and know that even if things get rough, they have each other. There aren’t a lot of people in this world who I think are in it for the long haul, but they are. I’m so grateful to them for reminding me that happy endings are real and I’m lucky to have watched them start their lives together. Sometimes, when we’ve had our hearts broken a bunch of times, we get cynical and it’s hard to picture that there could be a happy ending. But, we need to remain optimistic and hopeful and continue to be ourselves so that when it becomes our turn, we get to be the person looking at our partner with so much love. If there is anything I could wish for everyone I love, or anything I could hope everyone I love gets in their lives, even for a moment before we as humans eff it all up, is to have that moment where someone loves you like my friends love each other and for someone looks at them the way Sarah looks at Nic. Everyone deserves to have that kind of love even once, that unconditional, I don’t care who you are and what you did before me, because you are the very best thing that’s ever happened to me kind of love and I won’t lie, I tell my friends I don’t date because I’m holding out for that Nic and Sarah kind of love. I think we should all hold out for that kind of love and if we’ve found it, we should cherish it and enjoy it for as long as we live.

So, single gals & guys, instead of being jealous that we don’t have that plus one or that maybe it feels like our time to find our soulmate is over, take a moment to really watch the happy couple, because I promise all of those jealous pangs will go away (well, it depends on the couple. I’ve been to a couple of weddings where I didn’t think they’d last two years). They’ll go away because you’ll get a chance to see love in it’s purest form and you can rest comforted in the knowledge that your time will come in the right moment in the right way, even if right now it seems like it’s never going to happen or you blew that one chance with your soulmate. Because maybe that wasn’t your soulmate, maybe you haven’t met them. Or maybe you both needed to grow up and fate will put it back when the time is right (I doubt it, but hey, Nicholas Sparks has made a fortune on that theory). Or maybe it’s that friend you’ve never looked at like that, or that message in your online dating inbox that you’ve never bothered to read. One place you won’t find it? THE BACHELORETTE. But no one deserves less than that Nic and Sarah kind of love and you’ll know you have it when what’s hard seems easy and when you know they look at you like you are the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen.

Day 24: What I’ve Learned About Life

February 24, 2014February 24, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Through my life I’ve learned many lessons, but here are the ones that are most important.

Disclaimer: I am a moron. You probably shouldn’t take anything I say seriously pretty much ever.

1. Relationships are about give & take. I used to give too much & end up broken. Then I took too much & felt abandoned. It’s about balance, communication, telling people when you appreciate them & being upfront when they’re pissing you off.

2. Love isn’t enough to keep someone with you. They have to want to work at it & so do you. But there’s no sense in beating yourself up when you tried your best. If you didn’t try your best & you wrecked someone, the most humane thing you can do is let them heal & not continue to torture them so you get closure. You don’t get to “feel better” about what you’ve done to hurt someone; that’s your cross to bear. Leave them alone. Let them be okay.

3. Honesty may not be how you see things, but it may be what is. Respect someone’s truth & that their side of the story has pieces you don’t know & that the full story may not be like either of you see it. Respect others interpretations of life.

4. The only thing people will remember is how you treated them on your worst day; make sure it matches your best day.

5. The most important love affair you’ll have is the one you’ll have with yourself. No one can love you until you love yourself. No one can be your partner until you no longer fear being alone. Be your own best friend & do things that make you happy; whether it’s fitness, arts, or teaching lizards to dance, you will never be happy with someone until you are happy on your own.

6. You do not have to tolerate passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive, catty & toxic behaviour because someone is your friend/partner. It’s okay to tell someone that you are not happy with them. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to tell someone that you are hurt. Bottling it up or ignoring it only makes it fester. Tell people how you feel.

7. You are not perfect; you can be a giant, raging Doucheface. Own those actions, apologize for them & change them. Even still, you’ll probably be a raging Doucheface 100 more times before you die.

8. There is one person in this world that I could forgive everything, literally everything they’ve ever done and said. You will have one too. We all have that person that we love so unconditionally that we just want them to be happy & we could forgive & forget anything. That’s okay. But you also have to remember that they need to learn from it & want to treat you well too.

So, those are my life lessons & they’re helping me grow every day until I’m the best MHC I know.

Day 22: What My Future Will Be Like

February 22, 2014February 20, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri

In the words of my future husband Adam Levine, “I’m not a fortune teller, I won’t be bringing news of what tomorrow brings.”

I always had a clear career path, I’m going to be a reporter, even if I just freelance on the side and I was going to be a Mommy. But the rest, I never really planned out. When I was married, I let my husband sort of control our future. The one thing I wanted was to live here in Windsor so I could work for my magazine. After the divorce, I had a picture in my mind of my future. I knew who would be my husband and what our house would look like and I’d work in a law firm and as a reporter and he’d work in management and the kids would attend music lessons and we’d hire a cleaning lady because I’m not exactly Suzy Homemaker. I got so caught up in this idealistic future this person & I spun that when I lost it, I struggled with finding a new plan.

So, I decided that I had no plan.

Nope, no plan.

Besides my job, my plans to find a new magazine to call home and to raise my girls, I quite literally have none plans. I fully intend to just live life from day to day and enjoy them. If my true love magically appears in my life; great! If not, oh well. If I interview 50 more celebrities, fantastic! If not, I’ll still be the princess of telecommunications and that’s fantastic too. Obviously I’ll plan for my daughters college funds and my retirement savings, but financial planning is just smart. But aside from that, I’ll let the universe help me find my path. I know what I want for my life and that it’ll all work out when the time is right.

This is the best way for me, because there is no pressure, no timelines, no nothing. Just me and my girls and my friends enjoying my life the best way that I can.

Day 18: Something I Miss

February 18, 2014February 18, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH Photography, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I miss lots of people in my life.

I miss my father, who died when I was a little girl. I miss a little boy who was just a baby when I saw him for the last time, but I struggle to discuss that even now. I miss children that I’ve never even met, because they had to go before they came into the world. I miss my best friends Gigi and Meghie, because they live 2.5 hours away and I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like and sometimes, I feel like digital communication doesn’t always properly convey emotions, sarcasm, wit & not to mention all friendships need that face time & I miss girls’ night & daiquiris. But there are two people I miss more than most and that’s my former best friend and a little girl.

I loved that little girl. I loved her as much as if she were my own little girl and she loved me. My absolute favourite memory from my time in this house was after I finished writing my second semester transcription exams and my girls were playing with her and her dad in my backyard and she saw me before anyone else and she ran to the gate to meet me, giggling and laughing and gave me the biggest hug. In that moment, we felt like a family and I can honestly say, in that moment, I was the happiest person in the entire world. During this past year, my therapist actually questioned if I missed her dad, or her. (I thought I knew the answer, until the incident at Thanksgiving that left me fleeing a bar in tears made me reevaluate). But I do miss her, especially when my youngest daughter asks for her. Fortunately, she asks less and less now that she has her new BFF Josy. But every couple of weeks, she will ask when her friend will come over and play with her and Josy and her little face still crumples when I remind her that she’s not coming over anymore. I know why I can’t see her anymore & it’s what’s best for her. I know that she’s likely forgotten me. I’m glad for that, for I know how much it pains my youngest when she sees a silver, two door car go down our street & she gets so hopeful. I hope she’s happy & healthy & has a wonderful life. I know that this is the best way, but I miss her so very much and the night @ the bar, I bombarded my companion with questions about her; had she grown, was she healthy, does she still smile that giant toothy grin when she sees a camera, does she still look just like her dad, did she still sing the word “no?” I wanted to know about her more than anything. But, unfortunately, part of life is learning that sometimes you lose people that you love, which also meant this little girl. I also learned what I can handle, & while I would have loved to be this child’s stepmother & help raise her, I know that I cannot date a man with kids. I’m too afraid of once again getting attached to a child that can be taken from me when the relationship goes to Hell. This was a good learning experience for me, if nothing else & I’ll take the lesson into my future relationships.

The other person is the person I used to call my life mate, who was my favourite guy in the whole world until he got sick of my being super depressed and found out that he lied to me about a whole bunch of stuff, including telling me to wait for the little girl’s dad, we’d work it out. For months, I let my anger fuel my refusal to miss him, because I trusted him and he lied to me over and over again. I felt betrayed. But one day, after a long period of months, I got thinking that maybe he lied because, in his mind, he was protecting me. He didn’t want to see me hurt, so he wanted to make it better. But, his lying kept me living in misery, and as my life continued to fall apart, he kept the lies up and I kept falling apart. I thought about it though; I was a super crappy friend. I was so miserable, missing a man and a little girl and flailing at school and struggling to live without journalism. I literally hated my life and I wanted something to make things better and I leaned on him so hard to make things feel a little better. So, he lied, trying to give me a silver lining. Yes, it was cruel, but his intentions weren’t. Sometimes, I want to apologize, but then I think about how he deserves an apology but I’m always the one apologizing & he’d need to apologize to me too. I was a miserable friend; but it takes two to wreck a friendship and when he wrote me the “break up” letter, he barely acknowledged his part. It was a lot of how he and another friend were blameless, and that’s not how things work. It takes two to mess things up. Just like it took two people to sever the tie that took the little girl out of my life, it took two people to wreck our friendship, and if he apologized, I would accept it and maybe he could accept my apology. He & I could talk and he could see that I’ve found my own happiness without anyone and I like my life. The Pirate Princess could tell him about her shoes. We’d go to Starbucks and laugh @ the hipsters and I’d text him tales from the new city and one name would forever be banned from conversation. But, I doubt that would happen, so I just prefer to think that he’s happy with his life. I hope he meets an amazing guy and get his six coloured wedding. I hope he does well in his career and takes a million pictures and expands his portfolio. I hope he knows I’m not mad about his actions anymore, because I understand that my actions helped him make the choice to do that and I own those actions and I’m sorry. But most of all, I hope he looks back on all of the memories and smiles.

That’s the one good thing about people; we remember. I’ll always have the awesome memories with my life mate. I’ll have the flowers from his promotion, the birthdays @ Hoi. I’ll have the blue Darknuts being stupid, the Hedley concert and our Valentine’s day date @ Olive Garden & Maroon 5. I’ll have the moments on his porch, walking his dog and the time he embarrassed me @ Chili’s. All of those plus the other memories will go with me wherever I go. I’ll always have my memories of that little girl and I can take them with me wherever I go and remember these people as the good people I loved and will always love and hope they’re happy in everything they do.

Day 13: Goals

February 13, 2014February 13, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Social Media

I know I’m sort of cheaping out, but I’ve recently written a post about my goals for 2014, so I’ll just link to it HERE. & my goals for life HERE. Enjoy!

Day 10: My Biggest Fear

February 10, 2014February 9, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m afraid of lots of things.

I’m afraid that I’ll never fall in love again.

I’m afraid I’m not the best mom I can be.

I’m afraid I’ll never reach my fitness goals.

I’m afraid that I’ll never work in media again.

I’m claustrophobic, I’m afraid of mice & I’m not terribly fond of snakes. But my biggest fear is the most horrifying creature on Earth. The source of all terror. To demonstrate the most evil being alive, I shall post the photo that my friend Dawna made for me & posted on my Facebook.

Day Five: Song That Inspires You

February 5, 2014February 4, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife

I don’t have one; I have all of them.

Music is a huge part of my life. I studied music for many years. Singing was like breathing to me. I once auditioned & was accepted to a performing arts school but opted to focus on my true love, journalism. I have so many songs that mean a million things to me, I couldn’t narrow it down to just one. I could, however, make a list! (I love lists!)

1. Let it Rain – Amanda Marshall. My high school anthem. I listened to this song to get through everything; breakups, failed tests, fights with my parents, friends. Amanda Marshall was my Queen. I loved her voice, her crazy curls, everything. My goal in life was to interview Ms. Marshall, which I did on June 18/12. It’s still the greatest thing I’ve ever done as a journalist.

2. Drops of Jupiter – Train. The first song I sang to my oldest daughter. It always reminds me of being young & clueless & wanting to be the best mom ever.

3. Be Like That – 3 Doors Down. One night when I was trying to decide to end an engagement to a man I will never discuss outside of this reference, this song came on the digital cable music channel & it all clicked. I packed & I left.

4. The Way – Fastball. Every memory of my two high school besties is tied up in this song. And ferrets. It reminds me of my carefree youth.

5. Everything Has Changed – Gavin DeGraw. After being duped by two people I never thought could hurt me, I fled a bar in tears. I went home & sat on my bed & sobbed to the Gleason Table until his phone & mine were going to die. I plugged mine in & sat on my bed & bawled while hitting shuffle on my iPhone. This song came on & it made me feel better. I vowed that I would never let anyone have the power to hurt me like that again. It became my anthem.

6. Aftermath – Lifehouse. My anthem for wishful thinking.

7. Come on Get Higher – Matt Nathanson. This song reminds me of a specific moment in time with a person I need to forget but I choose to remember & despite my moving on with my life in a positive way or what I know is the right thing, my feelings for that person never change. I don’t listen to it often, but once every couple of months, I do & remember the amazing person I thought I knew.

8. Hail to the King – Avenged Sevenfold. The only song that motivates me to go for my 5K runs. Before that it was Nightmare (Avenged Sevenfold) & then Carry On (Avenged Sevenfold). Okay, maybe this should just read “Avenged Sevenfold.”

9. A Drop In The Ocean – Ron Pope. This song is featured in one of my favourite scenes in my former favourite show, The Vampire Diaries. It’s such a simple & powerful scene & the song is so perfect. The song now is part of my regular rotation.

10. Part of Me – Katy Perry. When my marriage ended, this B side was posted on Perez Hilton (it was later released as a single). It helped me cope with the many emotions resulting in the end of the relationship that encompassed my entire adult life. When friendships & other relationships ended, I went back to it & put it on repeat to help me remember that place of strength I found.

11. We Remain – Christina Aguilera. Xtina is my musical Queen of everything & the Hunger Games are my literary everything. Put them together & it’s pretty much everything. I’ve been taking a lot of trains lately & for some reason I listen to this song over & over on repeat, like I’m pretending it’s guiding me towards my comfortable future in my new city & new home.

12. Imaginary Friend – Chantal Kreviazuk. My favourite song in high school. I still relate to it to this day.

13. All Too Well – Taylor Swift. I think we can all relate to this song a little too well.

There are many more but these are some of the most important ones. I truly hope that everyone has a list of songs that inspire them. I couldn’t imagine life without them.

Dear Olympic Committee, Sponsors & Networks: Why I won’t Watch Your Games

January 3, 2014January 3, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Political Fluff, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television, When Things Suck Hard

(I understand this deviates a bit from my normal formula of self depreciating wit, I promise to bring it back tomorrow.)

Dear IOC, Major Television Networks & Corporate Sponsors,

Let me introduce myself. I am a 30 something single mom who lives in works in Canada. I’m not a celebrity, of anyone important by any stretch of the imagination. I have never won an Oscar or an Emmy & my only medal is a silver medal when my eighth grade class represented Thun, Switzerland in the bid for a pretend Winter Olympic Games.

I am, however, a huge supporter of the Olympic Games. Every four years, a school project was dedicated to an Olympic sport. I waited with baited breath & stayed up all night to see if you would let Ross Rebagliatti keep his gold medal. I stayed up all night to watch the Beijing Olympics live. I forced my then boyfriend to sit through events we had never heard of (Keirin? What?) & even saluted when the US teams won medals (even though I’m a proud Canadian). I have six pairs of those red mitts, stuffed mascots & books everywhere. I cry when Canadian athletes stand on the podium & stand for my anthem with pride. I love the Olympic Spirit…

…but I will not watch one moment of the Sochi games.

There are things in life that I love more than the Olympic spirit & those are my daughters, my family & human rights. I cannot in good faith celebrate a host nation that punishes people for loving whom they choose or people who support them.

I’ve read about the state-sanctioned corrective rape, the sickeningly high suicide rates & Vladmir Putin’s claims he’s defending “traditional family.” Fifty years ago, my family was not traditional. A single mother, that wasn’t a widow, working full time while building a career was unheard of! Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon would have been stoned in the street for their interracial marriage & children. Traditions change, families are redefined every day. Same sex families are every bit the new normal. I can’t imagine how anyone could look at photos of Neil Patrick Harris & David Burtka with their children & not see a beautiful & loving family. Traditional is so subjective. BDSM isn’t traditional, is that banned? No Fifty Shades of Gray? Or is that okay because it’s heterosexual relations? But I digress.

As much as I love the Olympic spirit, I love people more. I love my LGBT family members & friends who would be forced to live a horrible life if they were in Russia. I love my daughters, whom I need to teach right from wrong & the Russian law is WRONG. I cannot support the spirit of the games when your host nation breaks human spirit every day. So , you can keep your games; I’ll watch reruns of Glee. I won’t be enjoying any sponsors during the games either. Sorry.

I know I’m a nobody. I’m not Lady Gaga or Stephen Fry or George Takei. I’m just one woman & I won’t affect your ratings or your games. But I’ve always taught my girls that one person has a voice & I am using mine to tell you that what you are doing is wrong. I’m also using it to implore all athletes to use their time to perform well & if they support LGBT families, use this chance to support them. Use the spirit of the games to support the human spirit, the greatest thing we as people have.

Sincerely, MHC

The New Year

December 14, 2013December 21, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

Can you believe 2013 is almost over?

It seems like just yesterday I was heading to classes after my winter break. However, it’s not yesterday, it was months ago. Since then there have been triumphs, setbacks, a Maroon 5 concert, milestones, a Lifehouse concert, a Lionel Ritchie concert,The Wanted concert, my daughters celebrated birthdays & I just finished their holiday shopping. Now to count down the days until Sandy Claws brings them loot & we enjoy another holiday together.

This means 2014 is just around the corner & I can’t wait! 2013 brought me the end of my collegiate studies, a good job, I learned who my real friends are & my blog was successful. My girls were academically successful & successful in music. My divorce was finally final & now I have a whole big wonderful future to look forward to! I hate the idea of resolutions, but I love lists & goal setting. LOVE THEM. So, I compiled a list of goals I’d like to accomplish for 2014. I’m hoping by next year, I’ll have met them all. In the interim, I’m looking forward to what these journeys bring. And without further adieu, I present: MHC’s goals for 2014!

1. MOVE. This move is the big task of 2014. Finding a house, painting & decorating, buying the new furniture, all good things. I’m looking forward to my fresh start. New city, new people, new adventures. I hate that I’m moving the littles so close to the end of their school year, but they’ll make friends for the summer! I’m excited about the move. I’m excited to start over & build new memories in a new city.

2. Get in shape & stay that way. I have trouble staying motivated, but thanks to the Psych Major & the Squatties, a FB group I joined, I have a tonne of encouragement. I work out with Stratusphere yoga every day & I jog with the angriest tween. I also started meal planning & eating better. Looking forward to rocking a LBD for my birthday.

3. Continue to be a role model for my girls. This means improve my self esteem, work hard, back up what I say & support them in their pursuits. Being a good mom is important to me, so it’s something I’m going to continue to work towards.

4. Get a new media gig. Find a magazine. Apply. Get job. Admire byline. Working in my field will bring me so much joy & I’m looking forward to it. I’ll mail everyone copies of my first byline when it happens.

5. Fall in love. After 15 months of self imposed solitude, I’m going to attempt to meet men again! I think I’m glad that I took this time to be alone, because I know who I am, what I want, & that I don’t “need” anyone to complete me. I was on my own for over a year, with no man, & I didn’t die. I finished school by myself, with the only people helping me were my classmates. I got a job by myself, paid my bills by myself, with no help from anyone, not even my daughters’s father. I did well at my job by myself, raised my girls by myself, and I may not have done it perfectly, but now I know that I can be on my own. This will help me find the right relationship, because I know that I don’t need anyone. I can take care of myself so if you’re in my life, it’s because I want you there. I won’t need to devalue myself for someone anymore. I’m going to be an equal & a partner & that person is going to love me for all the things that I do to make them happy & for who I am.

6. Be happy. Every day. I’m going to make myself happy every day. Whether because it’s I heard my favourite song on the radio, my house is clean & I get to enjoy a bubble bath after work, my daughter made me a picture at school or because I got everything I ever wanted, I’m going to be happy. I’m going to make the most of crappy situations. I’m going to smile & laugh & sing along with the radio & it’s going to be super awesome. I’m going to revel in how awesome life is every day & just be happy.

Those are my goals; I hope you make some quality goals for yourself & accomplish them too! Because everyone deserves to live a wonderful life.

Through the Dark

December 8, 2013December 12, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

***I apologize in advance that this is all kinds of ADD. I have about four things that I’m thinking of and they’re all like minded. We’ll see how this works out.***

My decision to start dating again had a lot to do with the fact that I was interested in a guy I met casually by chance. He was cute, seemed funny, and he was the first man in 15 months that appealed to me…until I got to know him. We had literally NOTHING in common. He didn’t care for pop culture (you know, how I makes my livings when I’m not schilling phones), thought the media was biased, only liked documentaries, and didn’t understand how one good song makes life magical. So, when I mentioned that maybe we were meant to be friends, he said his only interest in life was me…ew. I like having a life separate from the men I date. I don’t like us sharing friends, I like being able to go out with my friends if I want while he’s out with the guys, no asking “permission,” etc. So, it was curtains.

That’s how it works. One tiny mistake, or tell me one thing I don’t like and out you go. I guess it’s why I recognize it in others, because it’s what I do. My friends tell me it’s because I’m still standing by the water, frantically trying to say the right thing (without saying the one thing I cannot say), stammering with tears trying to fix what I didn’t know was broken, but the truth is, I’ve always been fairly closed off and now it’s worse. My best friend the Psych Major mentioned that because she didn’t feel nutured as a child, she loves to cuddle now. I’m the opposite. I’m detached. My marriage wasn’t a love match and I’m afraid of going through the motions and finding myself wishing I could blow out my brains than spend one more second in this loveless joke where we fight and hate life. I’m also afraid to fall in love. Because if I do, we’ll plan a life and he’ll leave me…and I’ll have to start over again. Because I’m hard to love and I don’t want to fall in love and risk them leaving me again. I’m scared of giving someone my blind, unconditional love & them throwing it back in my face like it was nothing…like I was nothing. I’m sure eventually I’ll get over that fear, I’m working on it, but right now, you likely are sent packing after that one mistake.

My girlfriend challenged me about my love life and I realized I’ve always been the dumb girl with the long term crushes, aside from that guy in high school I crushed on and Gigi and I laugh about it to this day. My first crush was on my friend’s boyfriend’s brother when I was 15. I crushed on that guy all through high school and when I ran into him at the beach 4 years later, I jumped @ the chance to date him to make my ex boyfriend jealous (Trust me, I learned how BAD an idea that is). That boyfriend I was interested in for two years before I made a move. My ex husband was the only guy I sort of just fell into a relationship with. Even my quasi attraction to my former best guy friend simmered for a year and even then, there was another man that held my interest, so much so that I was a total bitch and wouldn’t even add him on Facebook because I was married and I shouldn’t have been thinking such impure thoughts. I’m always a long term, awkward, I want this but I’m too chicken to do anything sort of girl.

This made me think of the kinds of men I would want and I realized that it’s a guy like Christian Bale.

It’s not just because he’s the hottest guy on the planet. It’s because he tears up talking about his loving, supportive, patient wife Sibi Blazic. He doesn’t need to flaunt her and his daughter everywhere. In fact, no one even knew his daughter’s name until a couple of years ago. He wants to keep their marriage private and away from the meddlers and the instigators. He even cut his mom and sister out of his life to protect Blazic from their unkind thoughts. He adores her, worships her, is happy that she accepts his temper and physical transformations for work and the separations and loves her. He loves her so much that he breaks down in interviews talking about her. Candid photos show him opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, etc. They do their charity work in private. He may yell @ sound techs and sound like a douchebag in interviews, go through dramatic weight losses (the Machinist) or gains (American Hustle) to play a part, but the reason Christian Bale is the hottest man on Earth is because he respects his wife and daughter.

So, I want someone like that, but I’m so afraid that if I fall, they’ll leave me like everyone else I’ve driven away by you know, the crazy. So, I want someone to share my life with, but I won’t look, I hold them to unrealistic expectations, send them packing the minute they displease me and I still leave that front light on. This probably means I shouldn’t be actively pursuing a relationship, so it’s for the best that I’m not. I just don’t know how to let go of that fear of that boring, blah life that I hated or getting my heart broken again. Also, part of me likes my life. I like being alone. I love being left alone. I like that I’m home almost every night. I like that no one is nitpicking my life under the guise of “helping me.” I like that I talk to my friends once a week or so and I’m good. I like that I play with my kids and hang with the angriest tween @ night and I sleep alone and sprawl like a starfish. For my entire adult life people have controlled me. First my ex fiance, then my former husband, then my own best friend (which everyone noticed but me) and I don’t want to give up control of my life. If I could have my independence, and a partner, that would be kind of awesomesauce. But I don’t feel lonely, like there’s a void. So, these are the new things I need to work on so I can continue to be the most awesomest MHC I can be…or unless Christian Bale calls (although he breaks my dad rule). I also need to get this move done and out of the way and get situated in my new life before I think about adding anything to it.

But I think it’s a good thing. It’s good that I’m not afraid to be alone. I don’t fear life thinking I’ll die without a companion. I love my life & I love that it’s MY life & that I do things MY way. I love that I make my own choices & I’m working on loving my body image & I’ve even embraced that I’ll always be a little skittish, a little anxious & that I need to work on those things. I needed to work on not allowing my friends to take over my life, interfere because I’m a shy bunny who needs protecting. I needed to learn that I matter too & I can’t expect someone to make me happy because I give them the world. I have to make me happy. But I like me & that will help me when I’m finally no longer gun shy about falling in love again. Because I know I’m awesome & you should too. Like Katy Perry said recently, this time helped me love me so that the right person can love me the way I deserve & I’ll find my John Mayer (only not Douchey) & we’ll realize that “Who You Love” was about us too.