Day 22: What My Future Will Be Like

In the words of my future husband Adam Levine, “I’m not a fortune teller, I won’t be bringing news of what tomorrow brings.”

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I always had a clear career path, I’m going to be a reporter, even if I just freelance on the side and I was going to be a Mommy. But the rest, I never really planned out. When I was married, I let my husband sort of control our future. The one thing I wanted was to live here in Windsor so I could work for my magazine. After the divorce, I had a picture in my mind of my future. I knew who would be my husband and what our house would look like and I’d work in a law firm and as a reporter and he’d work in management and the kids would attend music lessons and we’d hire a cleaning lady because I’m not exactly Suzy Homemaker. I got so caught up in this idealistic future this person & I spun that when I lost it, I struggled with finding a new plan.

So, I decided that I had no plan.

Nope, no plan.

Besides my job, my plans to find a new magazine to call home and to raise my girls, I quite literally have none plans. I fully intend to just live life from day to day and enjoy them. If my true love magically appears in my life; great! If not, oh well. If I interview 50 more celebrities, fantastic! If not, I’ll still be the princess of telecommunications and that’s fantastic too. Obviously I’ll plan for my daughters college funds and my retirement savings, but financial planning is just smart. But aside from that, I’ll let the universe help me find my path. I know what I want for my life and that it’ll all work out when the time is right.

This is the best way for me, because there is no pressure, no timelines, no nothing. Just me and my girls and my friends enjoying my life the best way that I can.

Been There Done That

Have you ever been so close to everything you’ve worked for, prayed for & wanted, but it’s been dangled in front of you so many times that you’re sure that it just won’t happen?

Welcome to my life.

I hate being so pessimistic, but every time I get so close to figuring out this move thing, something blows up. My hippie friend says it’s because there’s something in my past that should never have happened & the universe wants to make it right. I say, the universe can go f**k itself.

Imagine my surprise when my realtor calls me THE WEEK AFTER I DECIDE TO STAY LONGER to tell me that my second choice house is available! I’m pretty sure I’ve left 45 voice nails hoping to take it for February or March, but my goal to leave Windsor is almost here!

However, this has happened to me sooooo many times this past year. Something would happen & everyone would tell me that I was finally getting everything I’ve ever wanted & it would end with me in tears with a broken heart over & over & OVER again. So, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up. I’m not going to get excited about anything. I’m not going to be hopeful.

My friends worry that I sound pessimistic, but I assure you I still believe that everyone is capable of goodness & my life is amazeballs. I’m just not going to get excited about long shots anymore. Chances are this house can’t wait & I’ll have to continue to aim for May 1/14 to move. But it’s hard not to get excited when it’s just so close & it could happen.

I figure I’m challenging the universe, “it’s your move. Surprise me. Make it all come together. I’m not gonna do anything or get all my hopes up to end up crying & depressed again.” Because in the end, everything will work out & I’ll have my amazing new life in a new city. It will just take longer. I just want to be realistic & not cling to tiny shreds of hope that likely mean nothing & won’t turn out like I had hoped because it’s not good for my psyche.

But I’m not going to lie, somewhere deep down, I’m looking @ all of those little shreds of hope & wanting one of them to work out. Because no matter how much I try to be objective, I’ll always be a child-like optimist who thinks this time, it’ll be okay.

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