I Always Thought I Would Be Sad

I always thought I would be married forever.

I thought somehow I wouldn’t be a statistic, that person who got married young and discovered we had matured into different people and drifted apart, or that couple that blew up all the time and eventually fizzled out.

I thought we were soul-mates and nothing could tear us apart.

When my marriage fell apart this weekend and the fights ended and the doors slammed and the supportive and loving friends went home and I was left with my own thoughts, I thought I would break down.

I didn’t.

Instead I continued the plans I started during the day. I planned activities for my daughters, I started working on a Windsor Social article that needed to be done and I had a good cry when I remembered my daughter asking me why her Daddy was never coming back.  But I wasn’t sad.

All the professionals I talk to think I need to be sad, but I’m not. I’m angry, I’m bitter, I feel betrayed by my estranged husband and by myself because this is happening. But I’m not sad and I’m not lonely. I’m okay that I’m angry and I’m okay that I’m alone. In fact, I woke up the morning after and felt optimistic. I woke up yesterday and felt nothing at all and I woke up this morning and felt hopeful that today will be better than yesterday.

But I’m still not sad. Does this make me a freaky weirdo that I’m not a slobbering mess mourning the loss of my marriage? I asked my best friend the same question last night and he said maybe I just have a good head on my shoulders and I know to walk away from something that isn’t right for me or my daughters. Maybe I’m so calm because I knew when to do the right thing. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I’m a soulless robot and that’s why I’m not sad. Maybe I’m in denial or maybe I’m afraid to be sad? I’m not sure. Maybe my counseling sessions will help me shed some light on this but until then I’ll just continue on.

I just always thought I would be sad.

2 Replies to “I Always Thought I Would Be Sad”

  1. Mary Helen, all I can say is I’m shocked! Although I’ve never met you in person, I know you’re strong and that you’ll get through this for you and your little girls. And there’s nothing wrong with not being sad. Time will sort your feelings out, but just because you’re not sad doesn’t mean you’re an emotionless robot. At least you’re mad, so that means you’re feeling something. Only you truly know what you’re feeling, and nobody can fault you for that. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, which I know you will, for your babies; but if you feel the need to break down, let it go 🙂

    Tammy

  2. Hunny, my heart goes out to you. Rob and I have come close a few times, so I have glimpsed your pain and it sucks. Anger is better though, anger you can work with, anger you can still get up and going for your girls, anger gets you out of bed. Don’t give in to the sadness when it comes, and you know it will, it’s a dark place to be sad and your girls need you to be strong. If you want to talk I am here for you, I know that we have drifted apart over the past years but I am always here for you. Lots of love and strenght your way.
    Meghie

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