It was bound to happen.
I went through all the motions and now I’m in my house alone. It’s quiet and unnerving and so terribly final.
Nothing is ever final in this life. Some miracle could appear and I could have my marriage and my husband back and I could have the happily ever after with him that I’ve wanted since I was 21. However, considering the circumstances that led to my choosing to separate, I doubt it.
My friends tell me how strong I am and how I’m doing so well considering what’s gone on and yet I find I’m spending most of my alone time mourning the loss of my marriage. My mother in law tells me how easy this must be for me and I just want to scream. NONE of this is easy. I don’t know how to answer my four year old daughter when she asks if Daddy yelled at her because he didn’t like her anymore. I don’t know how to answer when my nine year old sobs for her father and asks why I made him leave. Most of all, I don’t know how to answer when he asks if there’s any hope to get back together. My wedding anniversary is 28 days away. We had plans. We don’t have any anymore. There won’t be anymore wedding anniversaries or family photos or happy family Sundays and part of me doesn’t know how to make that better.
I guess the “Fabulous New Life of Mary-Helen” can’t begin until I’ve let go of the old life that I loved so much. I loved being a wife; I revelled in the role more than most to the point that I carried my marriage certificate in my purse. I loved being his wife and I loved our family and the life we had together. However, somewhere along the way, that life was replaced with a much unhappier one marred by fighting until the life that made me so happy (and him not so happy) was gone and now I’m solo trying to help three girls understand where I went wrong.
That’s right, I still blame myself. I still think about what I could’ve done more to make him happier and make this okay so I could be married again. I can’t help but think it’s my fault. After all, his family blames me, he blames me, maybe it is my fault. I’m going to work out these issues with counseling but I still spend alot of time analyzing my entire marriage trying to rationalize in my mind where it went wrong.
But I know when all is said and done, I’m going to be okay. My dearest friend told me his father’s favourite saying when it came to the end of his marriage; “Divorce costs so much because it’s worth it.”
I have alot of healing to do before my fabulous new life can begin.