It was bound to happen.
I went through all the motions and now I’m in my house alone. It’s quiet and unnerving and so terribly final.
Nothing is ever final in this life. Some miracle could appear and I could have my marriage and my husband back and I could have the happily ever after with him that I’ve wanted since I was 21. However, considering the circumstances that led to my choosing to separate, I doubt it.
My friends tell me how strong I am and how I’m doing so well considering what’s gone on and yet I find I’m spending most of my alone time mourning the loss of my marriage. My mother in law tells me how easy this must be for me and I just want to scream. NONE of this is easy. I don’t know how to answer my four year old daughter when she asks if Daddy yelled at her because he didn’t like her anymore. I don’t know how to answer when my nine year old sobs for her father and asks why I made him leave. Most of all, I don’t know how to answer when he asks if there’s any hope to get back together. My wedding anniversary is 28 days away. We had plans. We don’t have any anymore. There won’t be anymore wedding anniversaries or family photos or happy family Sundays and part of me doesn’t know how to make that better.
I guess the “Fabulous New Life of Mary-Helen” can’t begin until I’ve let go of the old life that I loved so much. I loved being a wife; I revelled in the role more than most to the point that I carried my marriage certificate in my purse. I loved being his wife and I loved our family and the life we had together. However, somewhere along the way, that life was replaced with a much unhappier one marred by fighting until the life that made me so happy (and him not so happy) was gone and now I’m solo trying to help three girls understand where I went wrong.
That’s right, I still blame myself. I still think about what I could’ve done more to make him happier and make this okay so I could be married again. I can’t help but think it’s my fault. After all, his family blames me, he blames me, maybe it is my fault. I’m going to work out these issues with counseling but I still spend alot of time analyzing my entire marriage trying to rationalize in my mind where it went wrong.
But I know when all is said and done, I’m going to be okay. My dearest friend told me his father’s favourite saying when it came to the end of his marriage; “Divorce costs so much because it’s worth it.”
I have alot of healing to do before my fabulous new life can begin.
The Misadventures of MHC 
I’m entirely the wrong person to listen to about this, bt I’ll give it a try :). People see you as strong because you are strong; don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can’t put a strong front and be weak and fragile on the inside. Hell the animal kingdom shows us that is the way it is for most creatures you are need to realize that you are strong because it is you that deals with all these questions; it is you everyone goes to. I can’t tell you what to do about your marriage, but I’m confident you will find the right answer for yourself. Look at this as a way to prove to yourself what everyone else is saying is true; you are strong. What would strength be, if there was no weakness?
I have to comment on this:
1) It’s normal to blame yourself but makes as much sense as me blaming myself for going blind. Were there things that I could’ve done to prevent it? Maybe… maybe not… I’ll never know and could easily wonder until I die. there’s always someone else to blame (including yourself) but you have to ask at some point if self-blame will actually do anything to help the situation.
(I am not trying to preach to you, I know everyone deals in their own way obviously — I just personally find that blaming yourself will do more to affect the situation in a negative way than realizing that everything happens for a reason. I know, I know… it’s an annoying cliche but in my case it was very true.)
Does it suck monkey dung that I am blind? Of course it does, I don’t know anyone who really wants to be blind (unless they have to look at some fat ass’ plumber crack, but even then it’s temporary.) I’ll have been blind for a decade this fall and I still have days that are hard to deal with; that comes with the territory of leaving any great life behind for something else that wasn’t entirely your choice and it’ll never completely stop… that may sound bad but I’m being honest. It’ll get better but you will always have those days and it’s normal.
The things you also need to remember too: The only person you can control is yourself. If you were trying to make this work and the other person was still miserable, at what point must they accept the responsibility of keeping themselves in that situation? I know it’s not the same at all but I’ve cut ties with people who made me miserable… my point is that there is always SOMETHING that can be done about it and if the other person refused to take that step, how can you be left holding the blame? It’s not fair to you and untrue as well.
Another thing (and sorry btw, this “one” point is spiraling into several sub-points, I know) is that, as you pull further away from the event that changed things… you’ll be able to refocus towards something else. Right now it’s all you knew and the loss is devastating — losing my eyesight, there was a period of mourning and it was devistating. You’ll find though, or at least this happened in my case, that over time you’ll make new friendships, new memories and begin to gravitate towards those instead.
When I first went blind, all I had were the close friends who stuck beside me and this was beneficial in two ways: Obviously there was the support I needed but it also helped me to find out who my true friends were… and I definitely lost some along the way.
While sitting on that hospital bed days after going blind, I couldn’t have imagined all the things I’d still accomplish: If it weren’t for this life-changing event, I’d have never gone into journalism, met you or my lovely fiancee… I got into my first relationships after going blind, travelled more and experienced more in life than I did before becoming “handicapped.”
I’m not trying to be showy or make this all about me — because it isn’t. I just want you to see that I’ve been through a life-altering event and, although different, it’s the same idea: The loss of something, mourning it and realizing that as time passes things’ll get better. I believe in it strongly because while I thought my life was over at the time, I’d be nowhere near as happy as I am now if it hadn’t happened. I mean it sounds fucked up but it’s true.
2) If you don’t feel strong, don’t… you have lost a part of your life and nobody should just be okay with that. I know you do what you have to do for your kids but continue to lean on people and don’t be afraid to say how you’re feeling… ever. Those who will stick around to help you are your true friends and the rest who wouldn’t aren’t worth your time anyway. Fuck the people who want to tear you down, they aren’t living your life and it just shows their weakeness if they choose to use this situation to tear you down. Great people rise above, small people try taking you down at the knees — I’m sure I’ve pissed people off with how I’ve handled my life at times and, while I don’t actively try to piss someone off, I’m not gonna get hung up on those who will find something to bitch about either way: Time and energy are often better spent elsewhere.
It’s hard letting go but you did it for a reason and it will pay off as it gets more time and more of a chance to. Nothing worth having should come without some sort of sacrifice or pain — it sucks but just makes your final achievements mean so much more: I’m sure giving birth multiple times hurt like a fucking bitch but I’d say you made out pretty damn good with three amazing and extraordinary little girls, for example.
You’ll get a handle on this and it won’t be easy — it’ll happen though, you just gotta see it through and (even if you aren’t strong right now) I know you’re fucking tough and will do anything for yourself and those girls. You don’t always have the answers… so what? None of us do. You do what’s best for you and those girls and the rest will fall into place in time, I promise… blind guy’s honour (we don’t actually have honour but I’m making it a “thing” with this post!)
Being strong doesn’t matter, stay yourself.
P.S. Apologies for this novel and my ramblyness… I got a bit fired up once I got going there. 😛
It hurts so much because ending a marriage is not just that simple. You two were not only spouses but best friends, each others confidants, parents and so much more. I love you to pieces and would love to say that this will get easier and I probably sound like an inconsiderate snob by saying this but for right now it wont. It will take a while for this to heal.. Slowly everyday you will smile more, you wont get sad and go in a trance. You may still cry but you are only human. A very amazing one at that, who is unbelievably hard on herself. People blame because they have yet to see their faults in a situation, it could be equal faults or one has more then the other but it will never be one sided. I am sorry for being wrapped up in my own stupidity to realize a good friend needed someone. I love you so much and I am truly sorry. xxox