A good friend told me the longer I’m removed from a bad situation, the easier it would be.
While it does get easier, it’s also getting harder.
I’m moving from the home that I shared with my husband and daughters for the last three years. Leaving the matrimonial home is bittersweet for me. While I’m escaping all of the bad memories (the hole punched in the wall), I’m also leaving all of the good (bringing my youngest daughter home from the hospital). This was the home we planned on living in until we grew old and there’s something final about leaving it. However, I am looking forward to building a new home and life with my daughters in the new home we’ve looked at. There’s going to be fresh paint and new walls and it will be easier to build a new life.
I’m trying to help the girls through as well. They’re coping like rock stars and for that I thank God every day. I worry though that they’re burying their feelings and not really coping with the changes. They’re the one thing that keeps me going forward, the reason I get up in the morning on the days that seem to hard. I feel like I need to be superwoman to show them the inner strength I didn’t show them while I was married. When I was married I was a simpering waif who catered to my husband’s every need and want. Now I want to show them how to be a strong, independent woman but then I feel like an oxymoron because I’m also thinking about moving forward with my romantic life. While I’m so not ready to date and quite happy getting to know myself, I can’t help but think about how hard it’s going to be starting over. I have three daughters that are my whole life, any man I see will have to love them and love me. I don’t want to go through the cycle of ending up in another relationship that turns ugly, so there’s alot of fear there. I’m also afraid of rejection. What if I meet a guy and he’s amazing and the girls love him and I adore him and it turns out he has a girlfriend or just says no? How to handle the rejection?
I feel very selfish right now, which brings alot of guilt. I’ve never thought about myself and what I want before. Obviously, the girls needs and wants come first, as I am a mom first and foremost but for the last 10 years it’s been what my husband wanted or needed. Even when the marriage was ugly for the last year, it was what he wanted. Now I’m trying to do what I want and it’s hard because I still think about how it will affect everyone else. I want everything about this work out in a nice neat little package for me, where all of my dreams come true but I’m understanding it’s not that easy. For the first time ever, I don’t care what other adults want, I just want everything to work out to make me happy and everyone else be damned. Is that terrible?
I’m seeing my counselor today and hopefully she can help me shed some light on this so I can feel normal. Until then, I follow the logic of a very wise fish and “just keep swimming”.