For the last three weeks I’ve struggled with my new life on my own. It’s been hard & it’s been confusing but there comes a turning point where you have to say “I know what to do now.”
I know I might seem like some kind of teenybopper, whining about the end of a relationship on the internet, but I hope my posts are giving you an insight into how one person struggles to find who they are after their marriage is over.
For almost my entire adult life, my life was about one man. A man I loved beyond reason. He was my heart, soul & everything I did & said was for him. And he loved me too. My friends held us as the standard for relationships. I was proud & honoured to be his wife.
Now, after a year of fights, bickering, insults, & finally bruises I’m trying to find the way to move on. I’m not really sure how, as my entire adulthood I was “Philip’s wife”. Who am I now that I am no longer a wife?
I’m not going to lie, I believed the lined, the “I’ve changed” & I contemplated the reunion until the tear filled conversation yesterday where I was called a slut & my dearest friend’s safety was threatened (after said friend had already received an apology for the same actions). Now I know, there is no change, there is no reunion.
But did I really want one, or did I simply want to have my role as wife back? Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared my supportive & loving friends won’t like MH the person, they liked the wife better. Maybe I won’t like MH the person, I haven’t seen her in almost a decade. Maybe she doesn’t fit in this life, this body. In short, who the Hell am I?
I want to move on. I know I’m ready to now. I’m ready to stop living for a man & live for me & my daughters. I’m ready to discover how MH fits in the world and I’m ready to find someone who can love the real me (& my daughters) & want to be in our lives. I know that guy is out there & when the time is right, I’ll be here.
I guess forever only lasts as long as you both want it too. Somewhere along the way, I realized I was fighting alone. I’ve been alone for a long time. The only difference is that he doesn’t live here anymore.
The first step is ending the chapter, which is done. Now it’s time to see what fate (& Drew) have in store for me.