When Final Is Finally Final

For the last three weeks I’ve struggled with my new life on my own. It’s been hard & it’s been confusing but there comes a turning point where you have to say “I know what to do now.”

I know I might seem like some kind of teenybopper, whining about the end of a relationship on the internet, but I hope my posts are giving you an insight into how one person struggles to find who they are after their marriage is over.

For almost my entire adult life, my life was about one man. A man I loved beyond reason. He was my heart, soul & everything I did & said was for him. And he loved me too. My friends held us as the standard for relationships. I was proud & honoured to be his wife.

Now, after a year of fights, bickering, insults, & finally bruises I’m trying to find the way to move on. I’m not really sure how, as my entire adulthood I was “Philip’s wife”. Who am I now that I am no longer a wife?

I’m not going to lie, I believed the lined, the “I’ve changed” & I contemplated the reunion until the tear filled conversation yesterday where I was called a slut & my dearest friend’s safety was threatened (after said friend had already received an apology for the same actions). Now I know, there is no change, there is no reunion.

But did I really want one, or did I simply want to have my role as wife back? Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared my supportive & loving friends won’t like MH the person, they liked the wife better. Maybe I won’t like MH the person, I haven’t seen her in almost a decade. Maybe she doesn’t fit in this life, this body. In short, who the Hell am I?

I want to move on. I know I’m ready to now. I’m ready to stop living for a man & live for me & my daughters. I’m ready to discover how MH fits in the world and I’m ready to find someone who can love the real me (& my daughters) & want to be in our lives. I know that guy is out there & when the time is right, I’ll be here.

I guess forever only lasts as long as you both want it too. Somewhere along the way, I realized I was fighting alone. I’ve been alone for a long time. The only difference is that he doesn’t live here anymore.

The first step is ending the chapter, which is done. Now it’s time to see what fate (& Drew) have in store for me.

3 thoughts on “When Final Is Finally Final

  1. MH,
    Your one of the bravest people i know just from working with you for the short time that i did i came to know you to be a strong person who faces adversity head on. Your number one which was very clear to see from your desk was your kids. The stories you would tell me about the kids made it clear from the look on your face they are your world which is the same for myself and my kids. Its scarey to do what your doing and normal to feel alone but you have the strength in you to get through this and the motivation from those beautiful girls. It will take time but i am here if you ever just wanna talk to vent anything. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. And as far as people seeing you as Philip’s wife i have only ever seen you as Mary-Helen you can make someone laugh or feel good about themselves when you see they need a lift reguardless of how your feeling your a real friend to everyone you meet and are very warm kind hearted loving person i will always remember how willing you were to lend an ear when i needed to vent at work. I thank you for that i only wish to do the same for you if you need it. In the words of Aami ave at it! You can do this i have the utmost faith in you!

  2. You are simply…YOU…nobody else but you!
    Be you, yourself, be your own wife!
    M, meet H (okay that’s a little bit on the lesbian edge, so if you don’t want to go that route you can change H to a new name lol, either way, you can wear the dress, H can wear the pants :P)

    The real you is still there, you just have to find her! The you from ten years ago does not apply here – she was not a mother, YOU, are! And a fabulous one at that! (I could be off here, I’m having a hard time recalling ages, but regardless…) 10 years ago you were not mom to all the beautiful little things you are mom to today! You have evolved from the 10 years ago you, and that’s nothing be be ashamed of!

    Do wifey things for yourself – take yourself out on a date, buy yourself a spa gift certificate, grab yourself a beer – reinvent who you know yourself to be if it’s a part of you you don’t want to lose. You don’t have to be “his wife” be your own! More importantly, be YOU, and nobody else!


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