life – Page 32 – The Misadventures of MHC

Mirror

November 17, 2013May 23, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

A good friend of mine sent me this article last week & I’ve been reading it & rereading it for about a week.

I guess it hit home because it could have been written by…me (save for a few parts, as the article references adultery, which was not an issue & some of the character definitions were a little strong. But the jist of it).

For a year I struggled to get over the man I thought was so amazing, but everyone, even his best friends said was a psychopath & a jerk. I just recently wrote a sobbing piece because I love him so much that I would literally do anything for him & he wouldn’t do a damn thing for me. This came after he told my friend he was coming back for me after a year of healing. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. But now, I think I understand.

There was NOTHING I could have done.

He’s too damaged.

He’s too broken.

He’s a narcissist who uses women to feel happy & then crushes them to rebuild an ego broken long ago. He’s as bitter and broken as everyone said. I am very flawed, but this wasn’t me. I could have been PERFECT but it never would have been enough. Like my girlfriend said that night, “he’ll always just want more.”

So, I’m going to do what I was unable to do for so long. Not just because I had been conditioned by him to believe he’d come back, but because of all the things the article said. I feel better, knowing it took others just as long to heal. But now I’m going to find someone who loves me & wants to make me happy too. Because I deserve that.

I can’t promise follow through if he were in front of me, but I would never initiate a conversation if I saw him or even go over to say hi. No. But I’m not going to punish myself for his actions anymore. He proudly manipulated me. That’s him. Not me. It’s not my fault that he’s that person that destroys people. I gave him the best I had; not perfect, but I tried. By his own admission, he never put in a single ounce of effort. He was happy & then when he got spooked, he made the choice not to talk to me & push me away. HE chose to reach out right when I was moving on & then watch my heart break from the sidelines, boosting his ego. He didn’t have to put my friend in the middle, further straining my relationship with someone I’m wondering how much of a friend they were. He could have called, sent flowers with a card, come to my damn door. But no, he needed to feel loved & I was an easy target . He likely needs help (& I wanted to help him so badly), because my friend was right, he’s everything she said he was & I was just another notch, while he was the love of my life…for now. But like 80% of the population, he deflects it on to the women he crushes. Always them. Never him. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to him. It’s all I wanted to be. I forgave all the jerk stuff. The number of times he walked out for no reason. Gave him a free pass to walk back in. I made mistakes, sometimes I needed reassurance. Sometimes I overreacted. Sometimes I pushed too hard to get to know him because I was so afraid that he’d turn out like the others & physically hurt me. I let my own past scare me & I would get afraid that he’d walk out again that I would try too damn hurt. But I was good to him & his child, better than I had been to any man. But, it’ll always need to be more. Even after all of this time & his claims he manipulated me for fun, etc. I still believed that he was the facade he created. But now I know they were right. He is everything they said & not worth the tears I cried.

So, I’ll meet someone & they’ll be the one. Or the one that sticks. But it doesn’t scare me anymore. Because he’ll never love anyone, not me, not himself, to evaluate why he continues to hit & run, only to look back & reach out & hurt me over & over. I used to believe that he loved me, & that he needs to work on himself because he leaves all of these people in his wake, & that I wanted to help him figure out why he did this to himself so I could give him the emotional support he needed, but I think maybe my friend is right & he’s too screwed up to love someone (or himself) & be happy. He’ll never love anyone, not me, not his child, not himself to admit that underneath all of the narcissism & bravado & vanity, he hates himself & still asks “what if” about every choice he makes. He punishes himself so much for past sins & women for the mistakes the one he loved first made & had he let me in, I would have helped him have the life that he wanted. But he’ll never admit that he hates himself & always hide behind his ego. Every woman will fail him, because he wants everything & nothing & complete control & to never have to make a choice to be second guessed & judged. He’ll never let someone close enough to him to let him see that he doesn’t need to push everyone away, he doesn’t need to play the jerk womanizer. He’ll always want perfection (while giving next to nothing) & no one is perfect. He’ll never see that someone loving him the way he wants isn’t “clingy” or “too invested” & he’ll always hold onto to the ghosts of the few women he did love & that hurt him (or that he hurt) & use that as an excuse for why he hurts women. He’ll always do this, to every woman & hide behind the masks & he’ll never truly be happy. Somehow, that is the saddest part of it all. Because he deserves to be happy. Not “happy with me,” but happy in life, even if his source of happiness was tearing me apart for sport, because while he may have lied, I didn’t. I only wanted him here if he wanted to be, because he loved me & because he knew that no matter what happened, I’d love him unconditionally & I’d do anything to make him happy. But if he didn’t want that, then I wanted him to find what he did want. I only believed it was me because he always found a way to talk about me, observe me. I never chased him, he sought me out, to the point where it strained my friendships because they felt in the middle. I let him go, just like he asked, but he made sure I knew he was around, just close enough to keep his hold but not enough to be here. I didn’t think it was a game; I thought he loved me & didn’t know what he wanted. I thought he was torn between doing the right thing & his own selfish ways. He always said I knew him better than he knew himself, so I thought if I just waited & lived my life, he’d sort through his desire to be the “family man” & “the man whore” & his love for me & my girls would win out in the end. I wanted to give him every chance to come back, finally let me in & I would love the person he truly was. I knew how hard it was for him & I was going to love him so much that he never had to feel like anything less than my Prince Charming. Had he ever shown up, he told me to tell him no, but I wouldn’t have. No, I would have told him that I love him & I understand. I will always understand & I’d hold him & tell him we made mistakes, but we’ll learn & get through it. I was going to give him whatever he needed to feel happy & comfortable & he’d finally have what he always wanted; someone who loved him enough to make him a priority, & look past all of the self sabotage, love him when he’s his worst & take the meanness & see the man he truly is; the vulnerable & sweet person who just wants someone to love them but fears losing them or letting them down, so he has to push them away, hurt them, break their heart so his will never get broken again. I wanted to show him that as he got closer, he wouldn’t get hurt, because I couldn’t hurt him, because it’s not in my nature. Even now, I couldn’t hurt him because I’m in love with him & want him to be happy. I could never have hurt him on purpose & had I by accident, I would have done anything I could to make it up to him. I was going to love him enough to make up for all the women that broke his heart. But, in the end, he’ll always pull away so he doesn’t get hurt again. Kill or be killed…& I got slaughtered. He lied; I didn’t. I meant what I said; I love him & only want the best for him, because he is a good man somewhere in there. The man I love was real. So, I’ll choose to remember the man I love, and not the man he showed me he really was and someday, I hope he becomes the man I saw, because he’s amazing & could change the world. He is the sweet, gentle man I fell in love with & he could be so much more than he allows himself to be, if he would heal the wounds that forced him to become what he is; a broken man who refuses to let anyone near him & pushes away everyone who truly loves him in favour of boosting his ego, not realizing that if he would let someone truly love him, he could be happy, the greatest ego boost of all.

Far Away

October 5, 2013October 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Life, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television, When Things Suck Hard, WWE Wrasslin'

I have a love/hate relationship with social media.

I have enough of it; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Tumblr (the last mainly exists for my 12yo to re-blog various photos from her fave shows). Most are controlled, with advanced privacy settings, except for Twitter, because apparently as a writer I need a social media footprint or something.

Then, my mom joined Twitter.

After that, I would have conversations with my mom about my various tweets:

Mom: “are you mad @ me? You tweeted that you’re mad.”
Me: No mother.
Mom: “Why did you tweet about pancakes?”
Me: Because I really like them mother.
Mom: “Why did you re-tweet that sappy thing & what’s a retweet & should I be doing it?”
Me: because I was bored on a bus & it sounded pretty & it’s…no, no you shouldn’t.

(Also, let’s all wave to my mother, who is now a huge fan of this blog. No, I’m not mad @ you. Enjoy Twitter)

But it does annoy me that we have regressed to the point where we think we understand someone’s life from 140 characters or who they follow on Twitter. WWE websites were abuzz when former Diva Maryse Ouellet unfollowed the shared account of current WWE Divas Brie & Nikki Bella. Gasp! What does this mean? That Ouellet is passive aggressive? That the Bella Twins & Ouellet had a falling out? Why is this news? Miley Cyrus unfollowed former fiancé Liam Hemsworth as reports of his serial adultery surfaced. Again, why is Twitter news?

I am not passive aggressive by any stretch of the imagination. I may not be confrontational, but if I’m mad, YOU WILL KNOW. If I want something, you’ll know, because I’ll get it (just ask the good people @ various record labels who told me I couldn’t talk to their artists. I’m like a pitbull. PS with the exception of two, I got every single artist I asked for. My current boss learned this when I said in my interview I was not leaving without that job), and if I have something to say, I’ll tell you. I hate when someone says “Oh hey, I saw on FB that you like pancakes!” (I’ll assume you’re new), because I miss conversations & I hate that social media is sort of replacing it. As a writer, I’m conflicted. I need to have a social media footprint to encourage readers, but I’m also tired of my friends & family using it to learn about me in lieu of talking to me. Not to mention the weird habit of creeping people, etc. Yuck.

Because it annoys me so , I decided to reject all forms of indirect communication. Passive aggressive Facebook statuses (if you do it, you’re unfriended. The end), subtweets, and third party message delivery service. No mas. I’m going to bring back the lost art of conversation if it kills me. Like I told the angry tween, if someone wants to talk to me , I am easily found. My address hasn’t changed (yet), my number either (yet) & thanks to Facebook, generally people know where I am when I’m out socially, which is almost never. Short of me boasting a neon sign that says “MH IS HERE” with an arrow pointing down, I am most definitely not Waldo. I also do not tolerate third party conversations that can get lost in translation. As my coworkers have learned, I won’t even discuss things over text, because they can be misconstrued. If someone wants to talk to me, be around me, be in my life, etc. then talk to me, be around me, etc. I firmly believe in direct contact, not playing telephone or leaving messages with a friend or whatever. I believe that if someone wants to be around me, no matter what’s happened , they will summon every ounce of courage in their body, swallow their pride & come find me, much like Gigi did a year ago. But I will not chase anyone. If you left my life for any reason, it’s up to you to walk back in. Much like Gigi learned, I’m not really a grudge holder & there is one person in this life that I will forgive absolutely everything. If you want to be around me, then it’s up to you to make that step, & if you choose to make that step, I’m pretty easy to find. Just ask…or appear. I’ll be found.

I must seem a titch hypocritical, writing about my annoyance with social media, which I will then blast over social media for you to read, but I don’t hate social media. I hate the misuse of it & when it replaces real human interaction. It’s like my thing with television; as an entertainment reporter, I obviously need it to makes my living, but I do not need to be a slave to it, which is why the girls & I lock up the phones, turn off the computer & TV twice a week & have technology free days where we go outside & play with toys & such. So, let’s stop using our social media accounts as our sole way to interact with people & actually talk to them. You’re likely missing all the important stuff that you can’t find in a status update or 140 characters.

This is What it Feels Like

September 29, 2013October 8, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Just Fun, Life, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

I come up with some of the stupidest ideas EVER. The latest? I was so inspired by my latest life changes that I decided to ditch my signature black locks for a light brown, more natural look. It’ll take a long time, but it’ll be awesome when it’s done.

But right now, it’s weird & kind of…orange. The orange awkward phase got me thinking, so here are Life lessons from bleaching my own hair:

Change is painful. It damages you, sucks you dry & makes you wish you could go back to the beginning. There’s awkward phases where you want to hide & you bit by bit pull every ounce of darkness. Then, after the process, you’re left with something you’ve always wanted; brighter, warmer & beautiful. So don’t fret if you’re in the awkward parts or the painful parts of life. It’ll get easier & you’ll like who you are when it’s done.

Shallow Days

September 27, 2013September 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media, Television

Spoiler: Do not read if you have not yet watched the season premiere of Glee.

I rarely watch television, but there are about four shows that I enjoy & one of them is Glee.

I was disappointed that I missed the premiere (as I was on a train heading home from house hunting), so I followed along on Social Media & was delighted to read that my favourite couple, Kurt & Blaine had reconciled & were now engaged. As I read the details of the over the top proposal, I read people everywhere demanding a proposal like that, which reminded me of a recent post on one of my favourite blogs, Mommy Man, sharing my disdain for over the top marriage proposals. (Something I mention on this site regularly after the finale of the Bachelorette)

I do not find them romantic; I always feel like that Star Wars character that screams “it’s a trap!” After all, your whole family is there, or an arena full of people, or a flash mob & they’re all staring @ you waiting for an answer, so you have to say yes or you’re an asshole. Then you have to plan a wedding, where the bride is the centre of attention & everyone is staring & critiquing everything, & everyone is mad because so & so wasn’t invited or the bridesmaids hate their dresses & nothing is about the celebration of two people joining their lives, it’s about this party that’s worth the down payment of a house & the whole process freaks me out. While it’s sweet when Blaine plans this for Kurt, as the world of Glee is meant to be over the top, I’d probably stand there, deer caught in the headlights & then puke.

I caught up with an old friend this week & we were talking about how she & her partner are in no rush to wed because it just works for them & she reminded me that even when we were kids, I was never the “wedding” type. I always said I wanted to elope & we would just tell people when we felt like it. I’m not good with commitment; I’ve discussed it twice. Once with the sudden proposal & I spent my entire engagement trying to get out of the wedding, including nearly jilting my ex-husband @ the altar. I got my amazing daughters, so the union wasn’t a total wash, but it’s apparent that marrying him was a mistake. The second time we made a plan & the closer we got to the planned date, the more I panicked. Were we ready? Were we skipping steps? Too fast? Too slow? Do we really have to have a wedding where people will quietly judge me for being married twice? Can’t we just stay in the place we are in the relationship & just remain, because the person was right, but the timing of the engagement plan is all wrong. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person & that’s why it freaked me out. Or, I self sabotage. Whatever.

I’ve often wondered if I fail being a girl because there is no dream ring, dream wedding on Pinterest. I know my limitations & commitment is one of them. I’d either need to be engaged for a million years or one day, where the person I love shows up @ my door & tells me that no matter how much of a mess the rest of life, our relationship might be, loving me is the right thing & we just elope that day. Maybe that’s the key to relationships; keeping everyone else out, which is my big beef about these elaborate proposals. I’ve learned that sometimes, well intentioned friends & family members will butt in to your relationship when times aren’t pretty & it’s up to the two of you to keep them out, because then your relationship becomes the source of third party gossip, with someone else’s hyperbole & is usually completely wrong. Ignore them, talk to each other. You’re killing the trust by listening to your friends & family (or theirs!) over your partner. It’s okay to talk to someone for advice, but I’ve learned you need to limit that too. So, by inviting them all to your choreographed, Bruno Mars lipsynched proposal, you’ve invited them to be part of your relationship. While it’s sweet that you want to share that moment, the choice to make a lifetime commitment should be a private one, the celebration (the wedding) can involve family. When my marriage was falling apart, I had so many people offer me advice because “I was at your wedding,” so obviously they knew how to fix it. Generally, when I’m fixating, I just want a sounding board. I don’t want advice from the peanut gallery, as it makes my mind more jumbled.

I think I’m more like another Glee character, Emma Schuester (nee Pillsbury), who just cannot handle the pressure of a big, public commitment & giant wedding. The actual choice to share my life with someone will always freak me out, even if it feels like the right person. Emma jilted her fiancé Will because the wedding & the choice freaked her out & they went back to dating. They later wed in the choir room, with only their students present. And while it might seem lame to most, the idea of myself & my partner (& the legally required two witnesses) being the only ones present when we make a commitment (after I’ve breathed in the bag) sounds better than all of the flash mobs, dance numbers & Beatles covers in the world.

One Grain of Sand

September 19, 2013September 21, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Television, Vampire Diaries

I think it’s time that I once again retire from the world of online dating.

Not just because I’m in the middle of a huge life transition and it’s not a good idea to start a relationship in the midst of that. Not just because we’ve established that I am the most stubborn person on Earth.

Mainly because…it’s stupid.

My hippie friend and her husband met online and made it. Their love story is beautiful and they make me happy. But everyone else I know, it failed. However, my Muricah food tour companion said the same thing I did (she uses her POF account to “laugh @ the winners.” We actually had a contest to see who could shoot down some poor moron in the most original capacity); it feels like forcing something that isn’t really there.

I want the love story. I want that epic Noah and Allie where you work out the misunderstandings, even though it took forever for them to finally decide to sit down and actually talk, but when they did, they realize they had wasted so much time not trusting each other and talking about things as they happened, letting outside influences stick their noses in, but they worked it out and built a beautiful life. Just like my 12 year old suggested, I want the Stefan and Elena (book version, not ruined TV show version) where they just knew, no matter what happened between them, they just knew. She often tells me where my supposed epic love is. She tells me so in between bouts of hating me. I want that moment, that moment where you look @ that person and think they’re cute and why didn’t you notice before or you stop dead in your tracks and think…wow, who is that? You don’t get that moment from the internet.

I have always wanted the epic love like my friend and fellow blogger Nancy at Whispered Inspirations has found with her hubby where she just knew. I guess I feel like online dating is trying to force the epic love story and when you try to force something, it doesn’t happen. No matter how much I think that I know who I’m supposed to be with, you can’t force it, and I can’t make someone want to be here with me, nor would I want to, because they wouldn’t be happy. They’d need to realize it on their own. Much like Noah in the Notebook, he waited for Allie to figure it out on her own and when she did, they fought for each other and with each other and had a lovely life. Maybe someday I’ll find that epic love story and it will happen naturally, with a random meeting and a lovely chat that turns into more. You can’t find it when you’re searching for it (unless of course you’re searching for what you’ve run from) and by online dating, maybe you’re pushing too hard to find a mate to fit your love story instead of waiting for the love story to play out. I shouldn’t have to settle for less than the life that I want and so richly deserve. I shouldn’t have to settle for a life that is “good enough” and that includes my interpersonal relationships. I don’t want a computer to determine my compatibility with someone. I want the man who doesn’t care if we’re compatible on paper, or what he thinks happened or didn’t happen and vice versa. I want the man that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t get me out of his mind, needs to know what I’m thinking so he wastes time seeking it out, and in the end makes the choice to work on it with me, every day, because in the end, it’s how it’s supposed to be. I think about how when I went back to school to do something profitable and how miserable I was, how my marriage was a chore because there was no moment of “This person could be the one.” I do not want any aspect of my life to be a chore, especially not the most important adult relationship of my life.

I asked my friend if it was so wrong to feel like I deserved the epic love, the love that made me want to become better, love myself more and the love I was so sure of that I would wait for it, fight for it, fight with them and when things are the suckiest, love someone when I don’t even like them. She said no, because she was waiting for the same thing and she shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than that. So, she’ll keep mocking the POF winners and I’ll keep on building my self esteem and putting my life the way I want it, so when the time is right, I’ll get my epic love story, have that chance meeting, and happily ever after the way I’ve always wanted and I absolutely deserve and so does she. Everyone deserves the person who is going to feel for them the same thing that Noah felt for Allie:

“Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing…So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”

Maybe it’s not realistic, but I would rather wait my life for the love story where no matter what happens, you make it through the storm than some complacent blah thing that some computer created for me. If something is how its supposed to be, you’ll end up there eventually. So, no one needs to force it by hunting for it, because we’ll find it, rediscover it, and cherish it when we do.

Hold On

September 10, 2013September 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, Social Media, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

Today is Suicide Awareness Day.

Please don’t give up. I know it hurts that they left you, or that you didn’t make the team, or get that job. I know it hurts that they called you those names & said you don’t matter. I know you want them to love you & they don’t & it sucks & you want to not hurt anymore. I know you wish your parents cared but they’re mean & it seems like there’s no one & no where left to go.

Well, I don’t know you, but I’m here & you can contact me via email @ ash.multimedia@yahoo.ca or find me on Twitter. I think you’re great & you worked really hard. I know someone will love you even though they didn’t. Your parents are likely proud of you, they just don’t know how to show you or let their own sadness bring them down. People come & go & it’s okay because the best ones will come back or better yet, never leave. Don’t wait for them, live your life & be a beacon of awesome. Life hands miracles to us every day & can be found with courage, faith & conviction. Give yourself a chance to find them.

But it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will be. It will be alright & you will become a champion because everything that hurt you taught you to be strong and you will be alright.

If you do have suicidal thoughts, call the number listed with your country. Qualified crisis counsellors will help you & if nothing else, you’ll feel like someone listened & for awhile, you’ll be okay. Feeling suicidal does not make you crazy, or worthless, or a bad person. It means that you’ve lost the ability to cope & that’s okay, you can find it again, I promise. I also promise someone out there needs you. You might not have even met them yet, but they do. Hold on for that someone, whether its a friend, a parent, a teacher, your child, the person that you love most in this world, regardless of your current relationship, hold on for them and for you.