Homesick

I haven’t had a good late night/early morning blog vent in awhile!

For the first time in the six months that I packed up & ran away, I’m actually homesick. Not even just a little homesick. Like I want to call someone at home & cry like a little kid at summer camp homesick.

I love my new home. I love that I’m surrounded by nature. I love my gym. I love the air & I love the city. But the more I invest in my writing again, the more my professional dissatisfaction at my regular job grows because I want to be writing full time. It was easy to love my johnny punch clock job when I wasn’t writing. But now that I’m in the field again, I’m growing more and more restless, because I want to be working in my field full time. I want to be on the front lines when things happen & ask questions & bring people news. I want so badly to write something that makes a difference in someone’s life & resonates with them & makes them think & grow. I have a talent & I want to use it to impact the world in a positive way. But then I feel guilty because I should be thankful that I have a job. After all, the unemployment rate is skyrocketing & I’m fortunate enough to have a job & I should be grateful, right? But truthfully, my job is a very fine job. They pay me well. They are good to me. But I think about how I wanted to bring people news that would make them think & ask questions & better their communities. Or I’d help people think so they’d become their best selves & happy. And I get so sad because I do none of those things. I sell people high priced luxury items. But I don’t want to be the person who’s aggressively selling phones to the waitress at dinner or all we talk about are how we’re going to sell more phones. I want a career that’s meaningful, that I’m proud of, where I make a difference in someone’s world, anyone’s. And I’m not doing that.

Also, the girls are getting bullied at their school. The angriest teen wants to go back to her friends. And I don’t blame her, because sometimes I’m lonely too. I miss my friends, who are like family to me. With the exception of one coworker & a couple of old classmates, I haven’t made a lot of friends yet & I find myself missing my Windsor people so. I feel like I spend a lot of time telling people that I miss them, mostly because I kind of hope that they miss me too & I just kind of want to hear it. That might sound stupid, but when you’re lonely, sometimes it’s nice to hear that someone wishes you were with them. It makes you feel like you’re important, that you matter. I’m a social person & I love company & I don’t have any. I spend most of my time alone & it’s kind of lonely. I used to pretend it didn’t bother me, because I was so bad ass, but sometimes I wish I could just call up someone for a last minute coffee after work. I love living alone. I love having my independence, but I miss my friends from home more than I’ve cared to admit & some nights I find myself missing my familiar skyline, the one I looked at every night for 13 years & meant home.

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But I know “going home” isn’t really an option, despite my friend Amanda telling me it’s a really great idea. Yes, I have friends, but the root issues are still the same, which is a lack of strong career prospects in my field, which is my only real dream. The punch clock job was supposed to be temporary until I found a media job. But then I stopped looking until I started at Cineklik & the excitement of working in my field as well as the support from those who know me best made me miss it all, more than I should. I just sometimes feel on an island alone with the girls. All of the people I love the most are hours away in Sarnia or Windsor & all of the places hiring in my field are hours away in the other direction in Toronto. And I’m in the middle, feeling very removed & alone.

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I hate to sound so negative, because running away was a really good plan, because I’ve learned so much so far. I’ve learned I can put myself in an unfamiliar situation & I can thrive. I learned that I can be on my own & I can handle stuff without anyone’s help, everything from dental surgery to getting lost & everything in between. All of these things have made me even more bad ass than I was before, because I can adapt to new & different situations better than I did before. There are so many good things that have come from this experience & I need to focus on all of them & not how not everything has gone perfectly.

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Truthfully though, it’s not the city I miss; it’s Saturday breakfasts with the legal assistant ladies. It’s going to dusty old bookstores with my favourite person in the world & last minute adventures with Rena & Amanda to 8 mile. It’s the people I miss & I miss them so. But I also know that part of life’s journey means being separated from our loved ones sometimes. I’ve learned which friendships will prevail through periods of absence & which won’t. I’ve learned that some affection can withstand ages apart, and once put back together, it can be wonderful. And I learned that I can survive on my own, which is a lesson I lose sight of when I do get homesick & just want to hear a friend’s voice or see their face because it’s comforting & makes me feel happy.

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Tomorrow I’ll feel better & I’ll make it a better day. Tomorrow I’ll focus on finding something to enjoy about where I live now. And I’ll remind myself that it’s okay to feel lonely, or sad. Not everything needs to be pretty or perfect all of the time. As long as you make an effort to make the next day a better one.

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Day 27: My City

My current hometown isn’t known for it’s picturesque settings (nor am I known for my photography skills) but I took this photo before an Amanda Marshall concert & I’m pretty proud of it.

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Of course, this won’t be home much longer as I’m packing up & out of here in 63 days. While I’ll miss my friends here, I’m looking forward to escaping the dark cloud of negativity that seems to hang over Windsor. Most people who have left seem happier to be out of here & there’s just something exciting about moving forward, starting over, making everything bright & beautiful again. However, I must admit, that this view will always remind me of home.

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Hold On

Today is Suicide Awareness Day.

Please don’t give up. I know it hurts that they left you, or that you didn’t make the team, or get that job. I know it hurts that they called you those names & said you don’t matter. I know you want them to love you & they don’t & it sucks & you want to not hurt anymore. I know you wish your parents cared but they’re mean & it seems like there’s no one & no where left to go.

Well, I don’t know you, but I’m here & you can contact me via email @ ash.multimedia@yahoo.ca or find me on Twitter. I think you’re great & you worked really hard. I know someone will love you even though they didn’t. Your parents are likely proud of you, they just don’t know how to show you or let their own sadness bring them down. People come & go & it’s okay because the best ones will come back or better yet, never leave. Don’t wait for them, live your life & be a beacon of awesome. Life hands miracles to us every day & can be found with courage, faith & conviction. Give yourself a chance to find them.

But it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will be. It will be alright & you will become a champion because everything that hurt you taught you to be strong and you will be alright.

If you do have suicidal thoughts, call the number listed with your country. Qualified crisis counsellors will help you & if nothing else, you’ll feel like someone listened & for awhile, you’ll be okay. Feeling suicidal does not make you crazy, or worthless, or a bad person. It means that you’ve lost the ability to cope & that’s okay, you can find it again, I promise. I also promise someone out there needs you. You might not have even met them yet, but they do. Hold on for that someone, whether its a friend, a parent, a teacher, your child, the person that you love most in this world, regardless of your current relationship, hold on for them and for you.

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Introducing: The ASH Life!

Today, I’m excited to introduce to you my latest blog project: The ASH Life!

The ASH Life is totally different from my blog here. ASH Multimedia is me muddling through my life; the ASH Life is different people, different stages & walks of life finding a way to successfully parent their kids, live healthy & support each other.

Because of this, you see a different side of me from the ASH Life. In the opening, I explain how my background, the losing my job & relationship, trying to parent on my own, academic struggles, and a heartbreaking loss I suffered last year that only two people knew before now brought me to a dark place. In that place I learned that best friends don’t always have your best interests @ heart & most often, people are negative & judging your choices. The world isn’t easy & what works for me doesn’t work for another. This brought me to want to build an environment where people can discuss their triumphs, pitfalls & know they are supported (within reason, if you’re breaking the law, then no). I have found a team of amazing parents & friends who will talk about things from alternative parenting, health, wellness & personal growth. To help break the ice, in the link below you’ll learn all about me, my life, the things I don’t tell people & how all of those things led me to become the woman I am today. I do hope after reading it, you gain a new insight into MHC.

I hope you’ll continue to read ASH Multimedia & The ASH Life & enjoy both! I know I’ll enjoy bringing them to you.

http://livetheashlife.wordpress.com/

It’s Not Over

I think it’s time I unretire from the world of print journalism.

Now that I have a full time job & my economic future is bright, I’m going to assemble my portfolio & shop it to various Windsor publications to freelance. I know it’s only been three months, but that’s too long to not have a byline if you’re me.

Maybe I should explain; this is all I know how to do. I’m sure I have other discernible skills, after all, I’m employable, but writing is the only true career path I want or that I choose to pursue. Freelancing will give me back my byline, which will make me a happy MHC.

Thank you wise hot sauce.
Thank you wise hot sauce.

This sort of factors into that “stubborn” thing I referenced. I could be a law clerk; I don’t want to. I don’t want to work in office administration either. It’s alright, but it’s not for me. Writing is my passion; my one true love. The day I meet someone who understands that they will ALWAYS take a backseat to my career, I’d actually want to marry him. My girls & my career come first. Bitchy? Of course. But I didn’t want to be seven different things & then settle. Much like every other major decision in my life (I believe there is one partner for me, one signature scent, I rarely try on more than one outfit with shopping, I know what I want) there was only one profession for me. Since I was eight years old, this is what I’ve wanted to do & I’m damn good at it. Now that I’ve stroked my own ego, it’s time to get to work.

I’m excited about this. If I get picked up, I may have a new “beat” (although I love entertainment journalism) & break into a new facet of my beloved world of the written word. I’ll work with new editors, new publishers, make new contacts! I’ll have DEADLINES! The idea of pulling an all nighter proofing a piece makes me giddy!

So, wish me luck, I hope someone wants to pick up a determined journalist ready for the next challenge.

Graduation

I’m live blogging convocation!

***actually everyone I know got their diploma & this is how I kill time. Also my hair looks really cute & I wanted to show it off***

I went out the in the rain and my hair still looks fantastic so yay.
I went out the in the rain and my hair still looks fantastic so yay.

I’m so proud of my classmates for their accomplishments. To my classmates, whether you are here or not, or have to make up a class & graduate in December, I’m so honoured that I met you, got to work with you & become friends with you. I think you’re all amazing & I look forward to seeing what our next chapter holds.

Congrats class of 2013. Take your bow. You deserve this moment.

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You Wanted More

After a very weird couple of weeks that involved working when I wasn’t actually employed, I’ve come to a very important decision.

It’s time to retire from the world of journalism.

That’s not to say if a really good paying position opened up that came with an office and a T4, I wouldn’t jump on it, but as it stands, it’s time for me to get a regular 9-5 gig, which is what I’ve been applying for.

It’s just so draining being the editor sometimes. Your ideas are largely ignored, your stories cut, leaving you holding the bag, and your opinions largely dismissed. I’m also tired of the work that I do. Yes, interviewing local artists and celebrities is super fun, but I want to write things that make people think, educate and inform (none of which I do here). I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I’ve been very blessed to have been afforded the opportunities that I have, but if my heart isn’t in it, then I’m not doing my job well. I post on my blog more frequently when I’m professionally dissatisfied and seeing as I’m posting almost non-stop, it’s a pretty safe bet that my job is not providing the fufillment it once did. Obviously, I can still write, as I have a blog and paper to keep me motivated. Finding an outlet isn’t a problem. Perhaps a break from the actual media world would kick start my interest in the only job I’ve ever wanted to do.

Not to mention I’m a sole support parent who’s education is coming to an end. I need to find something steady to support my family. As my daughter’s father is incapable of helping me support them right now, I’m on my own paying bills, buying clothes, etc. & I need to make sure that their needs are being met. I’m not able to look for another media gig or something in law and stick to only my fields of study. I need to be able to work anywhere so I can support my family.

So, I’m going to work a regular day job, something I haven’t done in two years, as school and media have kept me from doing just that. I’ll apply everywhere and find something, maybe somewhere that isn’t Windsor. As a sole support parent, I need to be open to go where there is a better financial future for my daughters. So, these are all the variables I need to consider. It might be nice just being an employee and punching a clock and not having all the pressure of putting it all together. I think I could even get used to it (until I get frustrated and work to run the company).

Flapper Girl

Today is International Women’s Day.

As a mother of daughters, I like to remember how blessed I am to live in a nation that allows gender equality. So many women are denied basic human rights & democratic rights. Please take a moment to look into these issues & help when you can.

Every year, I like to address an issue that affects women. This year is no different. We as women need to start taking care of each other. Stop the combative nature. Stop hurting each other. Stop bullying each other.

We tear each other apart. We belittle other moms, we belittle our friends relationships, we give advice that shames, because we don’t support each other. We pick apart every action another woman takes & it needs to stop. We blame the victims of assaults instead of supporting them & we need to stop.

Women need to stop hating & shaming other women. Resist the urge to be catty & build each other up. If we as women show the younger generation that we can support each other & not bully, shame & hurt each other, maybe the younger generation will do the same.

So, let’s stop calling each other fat, ugly, desperate, a loser. Stop pointing out flaws & build each other up. I think Madeline Albright said it best:

“There is a special place in Hell for women who do not help other women.”

Never Say Never

I would love to write something beautiful about the Newtown, CT massacre that left 26 innocent souls dead, but I could never in a million years adequately express my condolences or say anything that could honestly provide solace.

Instead, I’m going to answer a question posed online:

Do your children know about the tragedy?”

The answer kids, is YES.

Keep reading this post