Shed My Skin

Sometimes even I get vengeful.

There comes a point in everyone’s life where you think you’ve just had enough & in the words of my two year old daughter, “You done, son.”

I feel I’m at that point in what seems to be the most bitter, acrimonious divorce in the history of everything. I get little to no child support, I am paying his old debts, my safety is regularly threatened so there are court dates & drama & fighting, oh my! It’s times like this when I think about how my ex mother in law crucified her ex husband in court just because she could & I think “meeeeee too.”

But then the rational thinking part of my brain kicks in & reminds me that I live my life with a series of rules, one of which is to “Rise above”. When someone tries to bully you, rise above & work that much harder, as the only way to conquer hatred is with love.

It’s hard to remember that pettiness & vengefulness leads to regret & self loathing & during the weeks leading up to the day that my divorce is final, it’s going to be harder to remember to rise above the hate & focus on the good, & there is so much good in my life. I’m blessed in so many ways, which is something I remind myself of when the urge to call the ex & scream obscenities because he’s done something else to try & hurt me.

So, how to handle the anger? I’m generally not an angry person. I tend to let things go before I’ll get super pissed, unless I’m angry with myself. Anger for me leads to guilt, I tend to feel badly because I can’t understand that person’s behaviour & I’ve allowed myself to be mad. However, anger is a normal human emotion. Perhaps my refusal to get angry leads to my general neurotic way of thinking.

So, how does one get angry & when is it okay to get angry? When do you confront someone or let the anger go so you can continue forward? These are the things that perplex me.