Seriously WTF? – Page 14 – The Misadventures of MHC

Miss Missing You

July 18, 2015July 20, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Sometimes my life feels so very lonely.

Probably because it actually kind of is.

I know it’s a loneliness of my own design, but it is what it is. I probably sound so whiny, but I’ve never felt so disconnected from my own life. I haven’t hugged my daughters in almost a month & I’m so far from everyone I know except two people & most of my conversations with friends from home are “helpful” reminders that I shouldn’t have done this because I make dumb choices. The gym was great but it wasn’t MY gym & they weren’t MY coaches. I’ve overwhelmed myself with the amount of work that needs to be done so I can unpack, I don’t really know my way around & I’m just…

…I want to go home. But I don’t know where that is.

I was adjusting fine until my youngest daughter was rushed to the hospital & I stood powerless in my store & couldn’t do anything. Sure, my best friend rushed there, but I should have been there. I am Mommy. Mommy is there when bad things happen. And Mommy was very far away. Mommy will remain far away for another week & a Mommy literally cannot stand it anymore. Mommy should not be rewarding brave little girls with a FaceTime trip to the Disney Store. Mommy should have been there. And I wasn’t. And I feel awful.

I’ve been fortunate that I’m not completely alone; I have a partner here who loves me & has done his damnedest to make this whole thing tolerable, but he’s my equal, not my protector. He works & has a life. I can’t just call him & have my epic meltdown that I don’t like my job & I literally don’t want to be this far from my girls anymore & I am really, really intimidated & out of my element & I have never ever looked at a situation that I couldn’t just make awesome until now (although I have no doubt he would listen & be there with me). That reason is because I sound like a huge fucking baby because I know I am actually fine. I am supposed to be a boss ass bitch. Boss ass bitches do not cry because they are lonely af & struggling with the major life change I know was the right thing because everything is actually wonderful & I’m just overtired & overstressed & overwhelmed & this will pass & I am fine.

But right now I am just so incredibly lonely & I find myself calling my friends just so I don’t feel alone in my house but it’s always much later than I thought it was & suddenly I feel so very alone. It’s weird; for years all I wanted was to be left alone so I could be independent & raise my girls & no one could hurt me ever again. But now, I’m just so lonely for my friends, my girls & a home that feels like home & I suck at vulnerability. It kind of goes against my whole “I’m the most bad ass bitch on Earth,” thing.

Change is supposed to be scary. Good change is supposed to be terrifying. Every aspect of my current life but two things are terrifying. I guess I want some semblance of MY life. And I know once I’m attending crossfit regularly & the girls are here I’ll be okay. But I feel like I’ve backed myself into a weird corner. I’ve spent so long trying to convince the world that I need no one & nothing & I’m brave & strong & I can handle everything because I’m so freaking awesome that now that I’m not brave, I dunno what to do. I don’t know how to be afraid, or lonely, or any of these things. And I don’t know how to adequately express these things, or let anyone into my mind & I want so badly to be the super human I’ve convinced myself I am that I bottle up all of these things until you end up having some sobbing fit because you are just really sick of your own company & your own thoughts & you just want someone near you for awhile, even if it’s just on the other end of a phone.

I’m sure everyone who’s ever made a major relocation has had these feelings. They’re not exclusive to me. I’m just a person who overlooks them so I can live up to an ideal that isn’t actually real; I’m not invincible. I’m sometimes not even very brave. And for some reason I won’t allow myself to understand its okay to feel less than bad ass. So, I find myself turning to my writing more than usual, as it’s always been the thing that helps me sort out my jumbled thoughts in a way that makes me feel better.

In the interim, I’ll just bawl my eyes out & feel very lonely & immerse myself in painting tomorrow, for the sense of accomplishment that I am making my house pretty will make tomorrow a brighter day, because the best part of being the eternal optimist is you’ll find something to make the day better, even if that something is very small.

But I was reunited with my bed, so that was rad

The Great Divide

July 16, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Let me tell you a story called “MH’s no good, terrible, horrible, very bad days.”

One thing I have never lacked is ambition; mostly because I think I can do everything. So, I decided to paint my entire house, by myself, in 24 hours!

(I am well aware that this was actually stupid, no need to remind me)

I got through two rooms (walls only) & one started before I gave up & cried. And passed out. It was pretty fantastic.

The next day @ work, I was programming my shiny new work phone & so proud that unlike my last work line, it actually worked! I put my shiny phone in my pocket & headed home, as my movers refused to drop off my stuff unless I was there. I went to answer an email by pulling my phone out of my pocket & found THIS;

Apparently my booty game so strong that IT DESTROYS ELECTRONICS

After putting an insensitive friend on blast & receiving a helpful reminder from a former coworker about why Z3 screens are actually made of delicate rice paper (and apparently this is common), I was pretty much DONE with the last 48 hours.

Normally, I use crossfit as my stress reliever, but I don’t have a class until later today. Yoga wasn’t an option either; as movers were all over my house. So, I went shopping. If I like you, I probably bought you or your kid something (but I didn’t buy my brother the Anger plusher because I’m a jerk sister). I also bought my first piece of “bandwagon sports clothing” so I’ll fit in amongst Western Canadians. I got some David’s Tea. By the end, I was poor, but I felt better.

In my professional life, I have mastered time management & quiet control. In my personal life, I have mastered letting things play out as they should & finding my comfort level without overthinking. As a parent, I have mastered equal time for my children. But as a woman, I still try to accomplish more than one human being is capable of.

Part of it stems from the girls being gone for so long. I want their home to be perfect when they get home. Then there is the fact that I want to do everything ON MY OWN. I hate relying on others, I hate asking for help. I want to be completely independent & take care of myself & my family on my own. I want to be super mom & super woman & super athlete so I can feel like a strong & independent woman. I want my girls to have a good role model so perhaps my ambition, while well meaning, is a bit…nuts.

I’ll get my house painted. I’ll just have to pace it out a little bit each night until it’s done. I’ll get unpacked. I’ll get my work phone fixed. It’ll all work out. And crossfit is tonight so getting back into my fitness life will help me feel “normal” again. And I’ll keep working to leave my over ambitious nature in my professional life, where it will serve me to accomplish all of my goals in my own bad ass way (& for crossfit, because gains).

Whether it’s positive self work or spending money, I’ll always try to find the positive so I can keep tackling life each day & making it my bitch, because that’s the only way to live!

In the interim, I’m going to pace myself to get what I want to get done completed. I’ve got some great opportunities lined up & I don’t want to burn myself out sweating small stuff…& I bought a bunch of stuff so I get to give people gifties so they’ll be happy & I’ll be happy that I got to make them happy, because no matter how much I grow, the basic core of who I am, the person who loves to give to others, will never change.

Hollow

July 8, 2015July 14, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Douchers, Life, Mommydom, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I know I’m overtired & overwhelmed & likely grossly malnourished as I’ve been living on a steady diet of protein bars, coffee & bottled water & that’s pretty much it. I haven’t slept for more than two hours straight, I’m homesick & I barely know what time it is. Fortunately, my three hour chat with the Gleason Table has kept me a little sane.

But I miss my daughters & the longer they’re away from me, the more anxious I get. I worry if they’re safe, they’re eating right, are they having fun. What if their dad doesn’t bring them back? And then, the nagging thought that bothers me to the point that I cry a lot.

What if I am a terrible mother?

Please don’t inundate this blog with comments about how great I am & poppycock. My intention isn’t to be self congratulatory or get compliments. It’s an honest question; am I a terrible mother?

When I made the decision to move out here, my intentions were good. I wanted to give my daughters more than a mom who works themselves to death at two crappy retail jobs. I wanted to be better, be home for stuff, spend time with them. I wanted to show my 14 year old daughter that you work to achieve your goals. I wanted to increase my earning potential & give them more. But as their dad & grandparents rail me for taking them away so they’ll never see them again & I hang out in my empty house, I wonder if I truly am alienating them like those horrible women that all the Facebook memes talk about.

Then I find myself talking to friends about helping him find a job here, opening a joint account so we can mutually save for visits, ensuring that they have skype dates, etc. I keep trying & trying to make this easier, but then I learn he’s spent one of the last five days with them. He took them for frozen yogurt & returned them to their grandmother. That’s when it hit me; I’m trying to force him to be a parent so I don’t feel like a bad mother.

That probably sounds weird, and maybe selfish. But it’s what it is. I grew up without a dad, but that wasn’t by his choice. He died. I don’t want my girls to not have one. So, I push and I push & I probably alienate him further from his kids so that I can feel like I tried to make sure they have two parents. So, now, while I’m a zillion miles from my daughters, I can’t understand why he isn’t maximizing every second with them. I don’t understand why his family just admits that he’ll likely never be part of their lives after this month is done & he brings them to the airport. And I feel all this guilt because they blame me for “alienation.” (Except for an Uncle & a cousin who are really cool people & I’m very grateful for them) Meanwhile, the kids suffer because I encourage the relationship. They made Father’s Day crafts & my two youngest waited by the window because surely Daddy would surprise them. But no one came. Hours passed & not a phone call, until my eldest called. I strong arm him into taking them for a month while he tries to send them back. I force him to be a dad so I don’t feel like a bad mother.

I remind him that my oldest daughter has her own phone & he can call whenever. But I can’t force someone to do what they don’t want to do. But I keep doing it to ease my conscience because they need a dad & what if it’s my fault that he’s not willing?

I think about everything I do to be a good mother. I work, i stay healthy, I try to be a good person & kind. I try to be the example so they don’t need to look up to sports Heroes or celebrities, they can look up to me. But I still feel like if I can’t somehow make their relationship with their dad positive, I failed as a parent.

So, I try to ride out the next 18 days, feeling lonely & isolated. No one has asked to go to the park or play on my phone. The minions movie comes out on Friday & I can’t take the Overlord, with her minion Steve. No one has told me about how this friend flirted with this boy and now this other friend is totes mad & so & so wore the same shirt & its war. But mostly, no tiny people have hugged me. I haven’t read the Paper Bag Princess for the zillionth time. And that’s because I made this choice to give them time with their dad. Time he’s not even using. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault, like my choices to better my situation to give them more broke that relationship, which makes me a terrible mother & someday they’ll hate me for not doing more to help them see their dad, and no matter what I do to be a good role model, they’ll just think I’m a terrible mother. Maybe in the end, it won’t matter that I’m obviously doing something right, as the not so angry teen is bright & beautiful, the overlord has the highest grade in EVERYTHING, and the pirate princess is witty & funny. Maybe they’ll see me as the “self centred c***” their father calls me, which would likely break my heart. But maybe that’s what they’ll think & see, because maybe I’m just a terrible mother.

Jet Pack Blues

July 6, 2015July 6, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

So, hey, I live in another province now.

I’ve affectionately coined it “the cow province from Hell,” mostly because I don’t know what time it is, Erica & I still aren’t in the same time zone & I don’t actually have furniture. Or Internet, and I won’t have Internet for another two days because apparently my ISP is…special. And I only know three people. Fortunately, they’re the raddest people & have helped my navigate my way around & sat up late talking to me because my circadian is completely off & I’m terrified that I’ve ruined my life. No matter where I go, I’m always blessed to have the greatest friends & loved ones who make me feel completely at ease. And I am grateful. And I thank them so much.

The other bonus is that I’m getting right into work writing, which was the point of this entire exercise; I want to be a writer & a damn good one (please don’t gauge my body of work from this blog, I’m a really good writer, I promise). Once I settle into my real people job on top of writing locally & not remotely, juggling time zones & trying to make Western Canadians understand my Ontario area code while balancing no sleep & work. I can expand my portfolio while continuing to inch closer to the goal of finally landing my dream job of full time reporter.

In the interim, I figured I’d regail you with a photo essay of my travels, because as I’ve mentioned, I’m the worst traveller ever. If you missed my epic live tweet, where I inadvertently offended WestJet among other gems, here’s the Coles’ Notes version, while I try to find food. And maybe an air mattress because sleeping on the hardwood floor sounds awful.

Big ups to my cat, who stopped trying to claw her way to freedom & accepted her fate of travel

How normal people see the view from the plane

Dear Calgary, when I finally found coffee in your airport, I almost stopped hating you

Airplanes aren’t so bad when you have 900 songs to listen to. These were my albums of choice. I should probably finally admit that Fallout Boy doesn’t suck anymore, but I refuse to let Alys win.

Peachy survived the flight & learned she likes luxe hotels

And WestJet gets offended when I call them cheap for not having wifi

And I learned that jet lag sucks & the struggle is real

So, what’s next? I guess conquer everything! Climb a Rocky Mountain, dominate in my own adorably flighty way! Or maybe just painting & actually getting some sleep. Either way, the mind numbing terror has subsided & I’m suddenly feeling okay with this. I’ll adjust. Things are fine. And I’ll have everything I’ve ever wanted because life sometimes surprises me in ways I never expected & things just work out in the most beautiful ways & I am very happy. Terrified, but truly happy. Of course, I’ll be happier when this reaches zero:

So, in the meantime, I’ll just continue to work on the list that I made for myself to adjust into Western life.

I guess it should say “additional people I don’t hate.”

And it will all work out. And I will be successful & happy. And my girls can finally be proud of me & I’ll be the role model they deserve & worthy of the honour of being their mother. Or I’ll have completely fucked up my life & I’ll end up in a box fort!

We’ll see.

And I’ll still dress like a slob. It’ll be rad

Take Your Time

June 5, 2015June 7, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Let me tell you what happened this week, because I’ll rank it among the top five most utterly heartbreaking moments of my adult life.

All my life I’ve worked for one goal; to be a reporter, in an office, with a beat & headlines. I’ve dedicated my entire professional life to this goal, despite learning I’m really good at selling cellular phones & leading people. This is my calling, my passion, my entire reason for being (as well as raising tiny humans, but raising tiny humans is far more important).

So, imagine my joy when I was contacted by a headhunter & offered a position with a rural newspaper…

…AND I HAD TO TURN IT DOWN.

That’s right! I HAD TO TURN IT DOWN. Because it’s a rural newspaper, I would need a fully valid driver’s license (and I need to get one for the province I’ll be moving to) & a serviceable vehicle; two things I do not have yet. While it’s on the to do list & the editor was impressed enough with my body of work to consider me for future opportunities, saying that “no, I will not take the only job I’ve wanted since I was 8 years old,” was soul crushing.

(If you’re thinking “Gee MH, aren’t you being a little overdramatic?” The answers are:

1. Have we met? Duh.

2. Of course I am! When it comes to achieving my professional goals, I’m very serious, maybe overly serious)

Fortunately, it’s not like I’m screwed & stuck in a job I hate. I really like my job. Once I meet my new team & integrate myself into my official workplace, it’ll be really nice. I’m building a career & valuable management experience that will take me far in life. All good things. I refuse to let one kick in the teeth stop me from the goal. It’s just a helpful reminder that my years of being super stubborn & couldn’t see that my refusal to learn to drive was affecting my ability to reach the goal. This begs the question; could I have been doing this, working in my field this whole time, had I just done the obvious & learned to drive (of course, what’s best for us is generally the thing that was right in front of us the whole time, that we ignored or worse, pushed away, but whatever).

So, I’ll just resolve these hiccups while working at becoming the best darned cell phone manager lady ever. It gives me a chance to settle into my new surroundings, build my life, tailor my writing to my new demographic. I mean, yes I’ve been doing it for months, but you can never get “too good” & you can never work to be the best at your job too much.

In the interim, I’ll focus on becoming the best in my cellular sales field. As a “manager in training,” I’m learning how to lead a team, which will only bring about positives for me professionally. I like my job. I like sales. It’s unique & allows me to be charismatic & charming while learning about business & market trends. Not to mention cell phones will NEVER GO AWAY so I’ll always have earning potential. Yay wireless!

But the most important thing to me is that this showed me that I AM heading in the right direction. I’m writing & working & it’s all been an easy transition (well, until I put my cat on an airplane in three weeks. I feel like that may have some challenges) & I have a chance to achieve all of my goals once I learn to drive (so I WILL make sad puppy faces @ my friend Kristina & convince her that being my driving tutor is a good idea). This may be the ticket for me to achieve everything I want for my professional life, which sounds pretty rad to me.

Erica says that this was a sign from the Good Lord that I’m on the path to success once I LEARN TO FREAKING DRIVE. SERIOUSLY, WHO CAN’T DRIVE IN THEIR THIRTIES?! (We may have this conversation a lot) I don’t know if that’s what the universe is trying to tell me, but I’m going to assume I’m on the right path & keep on going.

This sassy & confident pose seemed fitting. Also it has a lovely view of a serial killer hotel I stayed in. And my Avengers shirt. All good things.

Fearless

May 23, 2015May 23, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m going to post an unpopular opinion. I’d apologize for posting my unpopular opinion, but I’ve always kind of said what I wanted and if you don’t like it, too bad. As much as I love hate mail, you were warned.

Here it is.

For the next four days, I will be finishing my tenure as a retail associate for a large department store chain. During my time here, I have gotten to listen to people as they check out. Two magazine covers got people’s attention. So I’ll post them & some of the comments I heard:

“Oh she is so brave.”

“Finally, a REAL woman on the cover of a magazine. That’s what a woman is supposed to look like!”

“Ugh. One step forward. Two steps back.”

“Soooooo photoshopped.”

“It’s like they want me to hate myself.”

First of all, BOTH of these women look great! (And they were both likely photoshopped) The smiles, the confident poses, the hair! These women look great!

But why does Jennifer Lopez have to feel guilty for being in shape? And why does Tess Holliday have to have her dress size announced to make you feel good? Why do we have to tear one woman apart to make you feel better about you? Why is “body positivity” “body positivity if you’re fat?”

(Yup. I used the F word. Oh no. It’s a word. It’s a body type. It does not define you)

As someone who worked hard to lose 100lbs, I know I will never be conventionally thin. I currently float between a size 10 & 12 & I’m happy there. But my goal isn’t “thin.” My goal is “strong.” Jennifer Lopez’s taut tummy does not make me feel badly. She looks hot! Tess Holliday doesn’t make me love my body more; she looks great! But they look great because they love themselves, something women struggle with because we are taught to compete with each other. Fat girls tear apart thin girls to feel powerful. Thin girls mock fat girls to hide their own insecurities. Everyone mocks girls who want muscles. And we all credit celebrities with our self worth.

Jennifer Lopez didn’t make you feel badly about your body; you did. Tess Holliday didn’t make you feel good about your body; you chose to feel acceptance from her appearing on a magazine. But you looked the same yesterday. You probably looked hot then too. But you’ve given your power to them. My fitness inspiration is WWE Divas Champion Nikki Bella. Her commitment to being strong & not necessarily thin in a world where looks are everything is cool to me. But Nikki is not the reason I love my body. I love my body because I can squat over 100lbs. I love how strong I feel. Self love is the sexiest thing on a woman. So is health. I do not weigh myself anymore. I focus on eating well, keeping active & doing what I like to do to keep active. Are there thinner girls at my gym? Yup. And they look great!

No, I did not pick this photo of Nikki because Seth Rollins is in it. okay, yes I did.

Women, take your power back. Stop with the “real men love curves” or Fat shaming jabs. Embrace that every woman has a unique body & learn to love your own.

Let’s all repeat this:

“All women are beautiful if they are a good person. I will not belittle another body type or transfer their perception of themselves or what makes them beautiful to feel badly about myself. I will respect differences & appreciate that we are unique. If I don’t like myself, I will commit to changing what I don’t like in a healthy way & not put down others to feel better. I will be a woman who builds up other women.”

Because loving yourself & others looks better than a great pair of jeans or a bikini.

Shut Up & Dance

May 18, 2015May 25, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Douchers, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Sometimes when you’re closing the door on one part of your life to open the door to what comes next, you need to stop & sit & absorb the enormity of what comes next.

So I did.

I sat & listened to a bunch of music & took a deep breath & prepared myself for what comes next.

Things are changing. New job (I know…AGAIN?! But it’s technically a better version of the same job. With a raise. And a company phone. And a title. And power), new opportunities, new everything. The next 30 days will be insane; training, interviews for another job that will pay more (which is more a plan B as I like my current job) and reminding the same newspaper that I want to work for them (for the fifteenth time since October. They keep saying I’ll be considered if I was closer. They don’t know me very well. I get what I want). All of these things will be nuts but when it’s over; I’ll be right where I need to be to get everything I want in my professional life.

Oh & I’m scared shitless.

Fear is not an emotion I acknowledge. I pretend that I fear nothing. But I’m terrified.

My mind is muddled with worries. What if my new gym isn’t as amazing & welcoming as my current one? My new employer said my references set an expectation that I’m a strong leader & a record setter. What if I can’t meet that standard? There’s the fear that I won’t make an impact in my field & I never get a full time job at that newspaper or any newspaper or magazine because I’m not good enough (BAHAHAHAHA that’s bullshit, I’m super talented & determined. These editors best prepare, they’ve never met anyone quite like me; I know what I want & I’ll get it). What if the dad continues to alienate himself from his children with his valid but angry reaction? What if this ends up like when I moved here, where it didn’t go according to the master plan (not that I had one)?

The truth is that I could go down in flames.

But…

The reason my coworkers set that expectation is because I proved I could do it. The reason I got offered three jobs (with the prospect of two more) from only 10 resumes is because I work hard & I’m good at what I do. The reason my new editor said my articles were good is because they were. I earned these opportunities & I need to keep doing what I did to earn them to maintain them & make them grow. Maybe my new gym will be full of douchebags, but I’ll kill some overhead squats & rock the WOD & I’ll prove I belong there.

This has little to do with anything, but I felt it kind of fit with this paragraph & this is legit what my friends & I talk about

Last time I made a big change, I was running away from a person & a life that I’d lost (& it found me anyway). This time I’m running towards something that I’ve worked my entire life for (although putting a country between that life (& person) & I doesn’t hurt), because the universe will put what is supposed to be together if it’s what’s meant to be. But it’s okay to be afraid. Change is scary. My first day @ West London Crossfit was terrifying. My first day of college was intimidating. My first seconds as a mom were frightening, because I could screw it all up for this tiny person. But it could all be awesome too.

So, I’ll accept that the next thirty days will be scary as all get out, but it’ll be completely worth it in the end.

Or I’ll fuck up my life. But I’ll have learned a lesson, right?!

Blasphemy, Myself & I

May 2, 2015May 3, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Today, I took two hours out of my super busy life and did something that I wanted to do.

I know, holy crap, right?!

(Today also featured a series of unfortunate events that forced me to call into work for the first time in nearly six years. This troubles me, but I can’t sweat it; it happens. Life sometimes messes things up. I’ll be back on the normal “this would kill a lesser woman” schedule again tomorrow)

I attended a super rad seminar hosted by gym about eating. As someone who spends 97% of her life working and the last 14 months dropping 100lbs, this is super important to me. I can’t undo all of this hard ass work by eating garbage food. After all, it’s not like I have a lot of time for meal prep, but when I do I prep the crap out of stuff. I have worked too hard to be amazing to let a little thing like “working literally every second of my life” undo it.

I'm big on comparisons, so I present the fitness evolution of MHC — I’m big on comparisons, so I present the fitness evolution of MHC

But part of the seminar reminded me why I love crossfit so much; which is the belief that there is no limits to what you and the human body can do.

The seminar stressed that we need to change our thinking in order to progress. You can’t just run on the same treadmill or eat the same foods or think the same way. We as humans need to grow and evolve. The crossfit mentality is there is literally no limit to how strong you can become, how fast you can go. There are no limits to what the body can do. Isn’t that super rad? There is something so exciting to me about the idea of growth, of evolving, of changing and growing. While yes, I am stubborn as a damn mule and I know what I want and will not settle for anything less than the life that I deserve, the career I want, or what I think is the right thing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to improve things, change things, learn, grow, try things from a different perspective, etc. I bore easily unless it involves my children, journalism, yoga or crossfit. I can’t do the same things over and over. That’s why my career speaks to me so much. I never write the same thing twice and that’s really kind of exciting to me.

But part of eating right and living well means thinking well. In order to become the person we are meant to become, we have to believe that we are capable of being the person we are meant to become. We need to think we are amazing, extraordinary, we have a purpose, we deserve to be loved the way we’ve always wanted and we have a purpose.

Purpose isn’t something I lack, as I’ve known what I was meant to do my entire life. I was meant to be a good mother and a good person and a good writer. I was meant to be a kind person who gives to those who aren’t very kind, to themselves or others. I was meant to find positivity in less than pleasant circumstances & lead by example and raise compassionate, kind hearted and strong women. I was meant to kick life’s ass. This has been my purpose and I’ve been pretty passionate about it. In fact, unless it involves my children, Great West Newspapers, my various retail gigs or crossfit, I probably haven’t really paid much attention to it (unless you visit my tumblr, which is pretty much just a shrine to Seth Rollins at this point. I’m a huge fangirl. I regret nothing)! My drive to fufill my purpose has blessed me with opportunities to achieve my goals, three amazing daughters, a fitness program at a gym with some pretty rad people that feel like I do; that there are no limits to what a boring human being on her pink couch can do if she puts her mind to it, focuses on things that are positive and enrich me and walk with the purpose that I’m meant to achieve all of my dreams.

While talking about my purpose in life, I like to remind people that I'm actually a confused little creature with no idea what's happening around me. — While talking about my purpose in life, I like to remind people that I’m actually a confused little creature with no idea what’s happening around me.

Maybe I need to stop playing it so safe with my life. Maybe I need to start focusing on doing the things that I need to do to make me happier and fufilled, professionally and personally. My current life, while it’s not so bad in the grand scheme of things, is burning me out. I don’t have time to do the things I truly enjoy doing; raising my family, writing (well, I do have a couple of articles submitted to various magazines) and crossfit. I rarely have time to enjoy my girls, or even a good sweat sesh. I can afford to live, but what kind of life do I have when I can’t enjoy my life? Clearly I need to think of some changes in order to live the life I was meant to have. I’m not sure what that is exactly, but the next few weeks will require some major changes (& a major decision needs to be made) so I can enjoy the life I’ve worked so hard to build.

But no matter what happens, I know there are no limits to what I can accomplish. During my workout last week, I was using a 20lbs kettlebell for my Turkish Get Ups (look them up, they were invented by Satan himself), but the first time I did them, I injured my leg doing them…and that was with a five lbs dumbbell! My coach and I giggled a little bit through the memory as I plugged through the set of three unbroken reps, amazed at how strong and coordinated I’ve become. Every time I can do something more, I get excited because it means I’m getting stronger. This has a domino effect; I can get much deeper into my yoga poses and hold the more complex ones longer. The endorphins and healthy eating have improved my physical health; no longer am I experiencing migraines and rarely am I ill. I can remember a time when I was constantly having blood taken to figure out why my iron was low or my blood sugar or why I was always tired. Those days are gone (well, not the tired, that’s totes present in my day to day life, especially because I’m giving up caffeine for thirty days to help improve my eating habits). This improves mental wellness. I haven’t had a panic attack in 19 months. The events that used to cripple me were bumps in the road & my persistent optimism remained. These things improve my professional life; my job performance improves, I never call in sick (well, except today, except I’m not the one that is sick) and my writing has been pretty solid. All of these things help me live out my potential and fufill my purpose. A few changes and the right frame of mind goes a long way. You can do it too. There is no limit to what a human being can accomplish if they just try. You can be extraordinary and you can find your purpose and live out your dreams.

Failure

March 24, 2015March 25, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

When I’m dealing with a million things at once, like major life choices, I don’t sleep.

Like, at all.

When I don’t sleep, I think about random crap, ranging from my plans for my rare day off tomorrow (as I’m currently employed four times over, two regular jobs & two freelance jobs, my LinkedIn profile makes me look like a machine) to my deducing that my insomnia stems from burnout. Maybe I work too hard, put too much pressure on myself. Maybe I take the random people who call me their inspiration seriously & I feel like I need to be the pillar of strength & grace all of the time or I’ll fail them (might I suggest a better inspiration? Beyoncé is a good one). Or how I feel like a failure as a writer as of late, despite my blog & other endeavours appearing to be successful. Or the fact that my best friends think I work too much to avoid actual feelings. I told them I write my feelings where they can’t be found; in plain sight but hidden. Look at me pretending I’m a riddle. Or just failure in general.

Ladies & gentlemen, welcome to what I think about when I don’t sleep.

Failure.

(Don’t worry kids, the title is still a song title. Insomnia doesn’t prevent my sometimes flawless musical timing)

I’ve spent so much of my life with something to prove. I need to overcome the shit childhood; the poverty, the emotionally draining relationships, the foster home, the stigma. I need to succeed, because for so long the sins of those who should have protected me were on my head. I refuse to do that for my own children, so I spend a lot of time trying to be better, smarter, healthier, wiser. I used to fear failure. If I failed at anything, it was a tragedy. I couldn’t handle it. Tests, work, all of it, it had to be perfect.

Part of my growth as a person has been to accept that I’m not perfect & sometimes I mess things up. Like this past month, when I got fired from the job I hated more than I hated geese (almost). My spotless employment record, ruined. Old MH would have had some kind of epic breakdown. As my daughters asked what would happen next (& I learned that I need to be more mindful of my speech because my five year old said she missed my old Target Mobile boss because he’s not a “raging doucher”), I very calmly told them I’d have a new job in a week. I was wrong; I had a new job in two days. I had TWO new jobs in a week. I may never have a successful personal life, But I dominate my professional life like a dynasty sports team.

I’m so close to having almost everything I’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t let the fact that my boss couldn’t see my worth to the company (I later learned I was one of only three people meeting the company standard) & the fact I lost a job I actively hated deter me from the goal. So, I stayed the course. Focused on the goal. I needed to show the girls that Mom had it under control…& she did. I can’t obsess about the fact that I didn’t succeed at a random retail job I won’t put on my resume. I HATED IT. I won’t succeed at something I hate & if I just continue to work & focus on my new jobs (which I love so much more) & freelancing in another time zone, I’ll get what I’ve worked my whole life for.

So, I’ve learned there’s no shame in failure. It’s when you don’t get back up. So, I’ve accepted I’ll never be Laycool flawless. But I’ll get back up & try again. And again. And I’ll teach my girls the lesson I learned the hard way; its not failing because you didn’t succeed; failure comes from giving up.

I guess that’s what I love most about life; even when I have no idea what direction I’m heading in or what to do next, to the point where I don’t sleep & I’d really like to, I’m still learning & growing. I’m still evolving into the kind of woman I want to be & that’s pretty rad. And eventually I’ll figure this life thing out & hopefully it’s not before life removes me from the game…& maybe after I get some sleep.

Ignition & Friction

March 13, 2015March 13, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, Political Fluff, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Sometimes I go on social media and the things that I read really grinds my gears.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been seeing a lot of posts regarding Rania El-Alloul, who was told by a judge that her court case would not be heard unless she removed her hijab, contradicting a previous Supreme Court ruling. On the heels of this, Prime Minister Stephen Harper called the hijab, niqab, and the burka “anti-woman” (earning the mockery of Twitter), & I saw a lot of amazeballs comments on my newsfeed, such as;

“Good. You come to our country, you follow our ways.”

“If you don’t like our rules, go back to your country. We don’t need you here.”

And other fantastic gems that make me ashamed that I live in the same city as these people, let alone were once on my social media feeds. It all makes me really angry and sick that we’re becoming THAT kind of society, where we think that our country is some kind of melting pot or Star Trek Borg assimilation. Because we aren’t.

Canada is a cultural mosaic that was built with Native Canadians and Immigrants working together to create a nation that values peace, goodwill and the retention of cultural identity. We have a Charter of Rights and Freedoms and a Multiculrualism Act that encourage those who come to our nation to practice their religion and maintain their culture if they see fit. This is part of the Canadian identity. We do not tell people to “join us or get out.” If you have done that, you are not exhibiting the Canadian spirit and should be ashamed of yourselves.

I also do not get the idea that we as “Native Canadians” get to tell new Canadians to follow our rules or get out, considering we our ancestors didn’t do that when we got here. In fact, I’m pretty sure that we told the First Nations to do what we said or get smallpoxed. As time passed, Native children were put in residential schools, where all sorts of atrocities were committed against the children. That certainly doesn’t sound like our ancestors came to Canada and instantly adopted the traditions and rules of the Native Canadians. In fact, it sounds more like we forced our way of life on them and destroyed their way of life until they assimiliated. You know, what we’re suggesting we do now. So, unless you are part of the First Nations, I don’t think you really get to tell a new Canadian what to wear, because once upon a time, your family was a New Canadian. They kept their religion, their heritage and their rights to retain those things. Why can’t new Canadians in 2015 do the same thing?

To me, the hijab, the niqab and the burka just like anything else in this world; if you don’t agree, don’t wear one. If a muslim woman chooses to wear one in accordance with her religion, then she can. Just like no one should stop you from wearing a cross, a star of David or any other religious symbol, you shouldn’t tell someone else what they can wear it on your head. Also, please stop comparing it to a baseball cap. These are garments designed to protect modesty in accordance with guidelines set in the Quran, the other is a symbol to cheer for your favourite team. I would NEVER view my New Orleans Saints snapback in the same capacity as my mother’s rosary beads, so I don’t see how anyone else could make the comparison.

Let’s stop with these comments. Let people worship freely as our laws and Charter dictate we should. After all, you shouldn’t get the right to wear what you want just because you happened to be born here. If that were the case, then please find the nearest person who is a member of the First Nations and ask them what we should be wearing, because they are the only people who’s family didn’t come here from another nation hoping for freedom to choose where to work, how to live and yes, what to wear.