i have no idea what i am doing – The Misadventures of MHC

When I’m dealing with a million things at once, like major life choices, I don’t sleep.

Like, at all.

When I don’t sleep, I think about random crap, ranging from my plans for my rare day off tomorrow (as I’m currently employed four times over, two regular jobs & two freelance jobs, my LinkedIn profile makes me look like a machine) to my deducing that my insomnia stems from burnout. Maybe I work too hard, put too much pressure on myself. Maybe I take the random people who call me their inspiration seriously & I feel like I need to be the pillar of strength & grace all of the time or I’ll fail them (might I suggest a better inspiration? Beyoncé is a good one). Or how I feel like a failure as a writer as of late, despite my blog & other endeavours appearing to be successful. Or the fact that my best friends think I work too much to avoid actual feelings. I told them I write my feelings where they can’t be found; in plain sight but hidden. Look at me pretending I’m a riddle. Or just failure in general.

Ladies & gentlemen, welcome to what I think about when I don’t sleep.

Failure.

(Don’t worry kids, the title is still a song title. Insomnia doesn’t prevent my sometimes flawless musical timing)

I’ve spent so much of my life with something to prove. I need to overcome the shit childhood; the poverty, the emotionally draining relationships, the foster home, the stigma. I need to succeed, because for so long the sins of those who should have protected me were on my head. I refuse to do that for my own children, so I spend a lot of time trying to be better, smarter, healthier, wiser. I used to fear failure. If I failed at anything, it was a tragedy. I couldn’t handle it. Tests, work, all of it, it had to be perfect.

Part of my growth as a person has been to accept that I’m not perfect & sometimes I mess things up. Like this past month, when I got fired from the job I hated more than I hated geese (almost). My spotless employment record, ruined. Old MH would have had some kind of epic breakdown. As my daughters asked what would happen next (& I learned that I need to be more mindful of my speech because my five year old said she missed my old Target Mobile boss because he’s not a “raging doucher”), I very calmly told them I’d have a new job in a week. I was wrong; I had a new job in two days. I had TWO new jobs in a week. I may never have a successful personal life, But I dominate my professional life like a dynasty sports team.

I’m so close to having almost everything I’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t let the fact that my boss couldn’t see my worth to the company (I later learned I was one of only three people meeting the company standard) & the fact I lost a job I actively hated deter me from the goal. So, I stayed the course. Focused on the goal. I needed to show the girls that Mom had it under control…& she did. I can’t obsess about the fact that I didn’t succeed at a random retail job I won’t put on my resume. I HATED IT. I won’t succeed at something I hate & if I just continue to work & focus on my new jobs (which I love so much more) & freelancing in another time zone, I’ll get what I’ve worked my whole life for.

So, I’ve learned there’s no shame in failure. It’s when you don’t get back up. So, I’ve accepted I’ll never be Laycool flawless. But I’ll get back up & try again. And again. And I’ll teach my girls the lesson I learned the hard way; its not failing because you didn’t succeed; failure comes from giving up.

I guess that’s what I love most about life; even when I have no idea what direction I’m heading in or what to do next, to the point where I don’t sleep & I’d really like to, I’m still learning & growing. I’m still evolving into the kind of woman I want to be & that’s pretty rad. And eventually I’ll figure this life thing out & hopefully it’s not before life removes me from the game…& maybe after I get some sleep.

Hey look! It’s me blogging again!

I apologize if anyone has missed my stories, but I kind of needed a breather. I needed to sort through some emotions & cope with some stuff. I’m not quite in the “happiest girl in the world,” place, but I really need to go back to what I know & find joy in what I’m best at. Mostly, because I need to find confidence in what I do best.

For the last few months, I’ve kind of felt like a failure. I couldn’t get through to someone & it was really important to me that I did, because they are very important to me & I wanted them to stop coming & going from my life while stalking me from the sidelines & just be here with me. It made me question my talents. I contemplated focusing on my regular people job & not writing anymore. I was quite good at it. I worked really hard & finally got the promotion I had been striving for…& it was all gone in three weeks. Everything basically sucked giant ass. Add in that my new job is…uh…different, and you have a pretty blah MHC.

So, during my bliggity downtime, I decided to figure out how to make myself happy MHC again. Part of it was to force myself to write stuff. Most of it totally sucked. But I had to realize that if someone doesn’t want to be happy, by their own admission, nothing I say can change their mind. They need to grow up on their own. So, I worked on finding my voice by doing other things. I focused on crossfit, yoga, & even entered a crossfit competition! I’m not setting any records, but I brought the Overlord to the Crossfit Open & she was amazed at how strong women could be & that Mommy could be strong too (but couldn’t figure out why the coach yelled at me during a power clean & jerk. I explained to encourage me. She still didn’t get it haha).

But I still wasn’t writing. This made me feel…weird. I should always be writing. That’s what I do, right? I’ve defined my life by my profession. I am MH & I am a writer. That’s who I am & what I do. I got home from work at my current job & realized that I was becoming someone I don’t like; sad, lonely for my old coworkers & homesick for a life that I can’t put together when only one person gets that you have to work at it. Oh, and I REALLY hate my job. But being sad’s not really my scene anymore. So, I decided to do something about it. I have A LOT of money in a separate bank account thanks to the good people at Glentel (which is now my relocation fund) & daughters who emulate me. They need to see that dreams don’t stop because everything kind of sucks. So, I decided it’s high time I went after mine.

I spruced up my resume. I put together some compelling cover letters. I bought an adorable interview outfit…& applied to probably every magazine & newspaper in this country, including the arctic. Why? Because only I have the power to change my direction. Some people mope; I get stuff done. There is one magazine that is hiring for my dream position. I’ve done everything I can to improve my employability, including joining the province’s magazine publisher’s association, this week I’m getting a driver’s license (FOR REAL GUYS) & I may have followed up already because I have no chill. But I’m qualified & talented & I’m going for it.

It’s a BIT of a move, but it’s worth it. I’m always considering the Dad when I’m deciding things for me, but didn’t I divorce him so I didn’t have to do that anymore? He doesn’t even spend time with the girls when he has them, why should I put their future & mine on hold to make his life easier? I won’t sacrifice the chance to have my dream job for anyone anymore. I have an obligation to show my girls that everything is attainable if you try. So, I’m going to try.

Maybe I’ll crash & burn & no one will hire me. Maybe I’m not talented @ all. But, much like crossfit, much like every relationship I’ve had, parenting, and even working at the job I loathe, I’ll always give it my all & TRY. You miss all the shots you don’t take & the only person who holds you back from what you deserve is you. I won’t hold myself back; I’m going to keep trying until I reach my goals.

So, if I seem more neurotic than usual, it’s because I MAY be turning my life upside down in the pursuit of a byline. I promise I’ll keep it to a minimum. In the interim, I’m going to enjoy the journey, because it’s gonna be totally rad.