Mommydom – Page 27 – The Misadventures of MHC

Ooh La La

July 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I always feel kind of badly for Britney Spears.

She’s come a long way since her nervous breakdown as a result of the dissolution of her marriage and her battle with depression, but people still judge her for the head shaving and umbrella bashing and the worst; her not retaining full custody of her children.

I have never believed that a child “belongs” with his/her mother. I believe a child belongs with the parent that is best suited for them. Some dads (like Kevin Federline in this case) are better suited to raise their children. Ms. Spears travels a lot for her career, she is currently in Vegas doing shows, while her boys have been attending school in California with their father and stepmother. They see their siblings. It’s all a good situation.

We should be commending Spears for putting the needs of her children ahead of the needs of herself. I will never claim to be a perfect mother. Sometimes I raise my voice, sometimes (a lot of the time) my house is a mess. Sometimes I overshare on my blog in an attempt to be more open and get myself into trouble. Oh, and I swear…A LOT. However, my hippie friend told me that as long as she’s known me (which is a long ass time), she’s always seen me do the best that I can to put my daughters first. I was having a kind of downer, stressed out mom day, where the kids don’t listen and one comes downstairs covered in ink and there’s a tantrum and back talk and you seriously contemplate shipping them to the Jolie-Pitts. My hippie friend chose to write a piece for the ASH Life and I told her I was proud of her and she said she wished she had my patience for my girls, my desire to put aside what I wanted for what they need, etc. I told her I’m not always good @ that, and she told me “you’re better than most people, so give yourself some credit.” I think she needs to give herself some credit too. She’s been through a parenting situation no mother should have to go through and she’s done so with class, grace and a positive spirit that can’t be broken. Her boys are so lucky to have such an amazing mom (and stepdad/dad. The Eagleman is pretty bomb ass awesome too). I guess sometimes when you’re looking into the dark side of your role as parent, when the world tells you that you need to be perfect every second and that there is this standard of parenting, that when you can’t or won’t or aren’t that person, you can’t always see that you’re still a great mom. I’m a good mom. My hippie friend is an amazing mom. Britney Spears is an awesome mom because when all is said & done, the kids come first.

So, why not give Britney Spears credit? She clearly loves her boys. She adores them. Photos of them show a loving and nuturing relationship and you can’t fake a candid photo or the look in someone’s eyes in a photo. Her boys love her. But she’s also mature enough to see that her lifestyle of performing is not the type that a child should live, so she sees them as much as she can while continuing to give them the gift so few celebrity children have; stability, normal schooling, normal names, a normal life. Preston and Jayden Federline will likely grow up well adjusted and happy, something so few celebrity children get to do. We should be commending Spears for getting her life in order, moving forward and putting her kids first.

So, kudos to you Britney Spears, for being a parenting role model.

Anchor

July 26, 2013July 26, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, When Things Suck Hard

The great test results wait!

Day one.

First of all, has NO ONE figured out a way to get results faster?! Really? We can do everything from our phone in a nanosecond but apparently medical test results take a zillion freaking years. /rant

Anywho, I’m trying not to panic & fixate, but I’m so good @ these things! Since I’m gonna do it anyway, I reckoned I’d regale everyone with tales of my thought process through this fantastic week.

I’ve decided the person I most resemble as a fictional character is Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls (minus the good looks, fame & drug problem). Like Jennifer, I’m a small town girl from a messed up background who just wanted to be @ the top. Much like Jennifer, I’m called a doormat. But also, I sometimes feel like walking boobs.

It’s stupid, because I have a lot of great features, but the thought of the highly unlikely outcome that this lump may be cancerous & I may lose my breast (again, worst case scenario) actually made me feel…ugly. Like, super mega ugly. A lot ugly.

I know breasts don’t equal good looks, but I’ve always been proud of my curves. So, when that thought creeped into my head, it was really odd. Do I value myself by my breasts?

I guess I’m sort of writing in the hopes that I will learn I’m not the only woman who feels this way in a sitch like this. Do all women look @ their diet, bras, deodorant & wonder? Do they all look @ their ever changing menstrual cycles & wonder how those are connected? Do they have a moment where they think “I might lose my breasts & be ugly?”

I’m sure it’s nothing, but as I’ve said, we as women are conditioned to think lump = death sentence so it’s hard not to let those thoughts creep in my head.

This is day one. I’m hoping there won’t be more waiting in my future & I can’t put this behind me.

My Blog Beats For Love

July 17, 2013July 26, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I love my children, even when they are being mouthy pains in my butt.

During summer vacation, the crew often holes up in my bed in the mornings, usually @ 4:30am because my 3yo wants to play “Grumpy Birds”(I often wake up to find her playing hahaha).

Well, they were playing with my phone & my 6yo says:

“What’s Oke?” (It took me a minute to realize what she was asking. She was pointing @ an app on my phone)
“Oh. Um, it’s an app Auntie _____ signed me up for (& flirted with guys for me) so that I could make new friends.”
“Like e-harmony?”

My 12yo’s ears perked up.

“WHAT?! NO! YOU CAN’T USE THAT!”

Later that day I discovered my account had been deleted, as was the app. I began to give my daughter a lecture about stealing Mommy’s phone while she’s in the tub & how sometimes people have to go, blah blah blah, hope they’re happy & I got this.

“Why? No one cares that we’re not happy. The right thing is the thing that makes the most people happy & you & Blank as a family made us happy, G happy, you happy & him happy. He said it all of the time when I was eavesdropping; no one made him happy except for you. He needed to marry you because he was so happy. Now only he is happy. How is that fair? If this was right, everyone would be happy, not one person & if they were a good person, they’d want to make us happy too.”

Then she threatened to take off on her dad, show up at his work & tell him that he promised that we could have anything we asked, so go home with us. I threatened with groundings & no camp. FYI she still hates me. I’ve reached a point where I say “yup, I know, I’m awful. Now check the attitude.” I think I’m handling it rather well.

I guess I taught my daughters tenacity too well. They want one person (much like me) & since I’m the worst liar, they see through my statements of wishing him well, blah blah blah. They know I want him here as much as they do & resent my inaction. Of course, I’m a grown up & know if he wants to be here, he would come back for me. He would do what he said & swallow his ego, his pride & be with me. I won’t reduce myself to chase a person (I will write about my attempts to move forward though. But I do get a lot of comments from people appreciating my candour, as they’re in the same boat, so maybe it’s helpful). I don’t want someone out of guilt or obligation. I want them to be where they want to be. So, I’m trying to muddle through life alone, bowing to the peanut gallery & allowing myself to be forced into dating again & opening up the prospects of finding someone who will suffice, or maybe Mr. Right (even though I met him & blew it).

But how do I introduce someone new to the girls (which wouldn’t be for a year @ least) when they appear to have their mom’s stubborn streak & only accept one person? They come first & if they don’t like the man in my life, well it’s curtains for him. Obviously, that date with the substitute teacher is on hold permanently, as they’re just not ready for the idea of Mom having male friends (12 even resents my platonic male friends, because they might get ideas & ruin it for when he keeps his promise & comes back).

I guess I should be thankful that they are capable of loyalty, even if it is misguided. Their devotion to the man they wanted to be their stepdad (& who told them he would be) is very sweet. I also feel guilty because I didn’t tell them anything right away. He had left & come back so many times before that I just believed that he would. It was always the same; he’d leave, talk to me after a period of time claiming we should be friends & then after we talked, he would profess his devotion to me & ask to be with me. My friends said it would be the same, so I waited, my now ex best friend said it might take up to a year, be patient. So, I was. Then when they said that they lied (& blamed me for their callous disrespect. I don’t miss them, nor will I. Own your own deceit), I was forced to finally explain that there would be no more Blank, no more G. So, now we’re here & I feel so guilty, like I broke my kids.

I don’t want them to get attached to another man, just for him to leave us. I don’t want to meet anyone else, I’m still in love with him. The girls want him & I’m sort of outside looking in wanting to please everyone but I can’t & living with the guilt of knowing I hurt my girls & stupidly wondering if it would all go away if he came back, even though I couldn’t really trust him to stay.

Welcome to parenting, MHC style. Sometimes it ain’t pretty but it is what it is. Unfortunately, we’re learning to muddle through together & hopefully we’ll all get through it & be happy.

Gone Gone Gone

June 26, 2013June 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Today I went on a hilarious shopping trip with a friend whom I met in college. We talked about a great many things, including why I will never be “Gangsta.” But we also talked about why words can’t hurt if you don’t let them.

I recently received a letter from a former friend, that was full of scathing vitriol and a bunch of other negative things. The timing of said letter was amusing, as I had been very vocal about my recent academic and employment successes, weight loss success, and how my life is basically all around awesomesauce. It almost seemed like the former friend was trying to drag me down because I frankly, didn’t care that they weren’t in my life right now, as they don’t fit in the plan and had damaged my trust beyond repair. It was like this person was almost bitter that I carried on without those people in my life, so they needed to try and knock me down a peg, either because of jealousy or pettiness, or whatever, but people handle things differently and all feelings are valid and should be respected. However, I laughed and threw it out.

We talked about something I mentioned awhile ago, which is that we need to stop sugar coating words like “fat” or “depressed” and just take them for what they are. We both said that words, once embraced, lose their power. During my last year of school, I often took shots on my GPA, calling myself “the dumb one.” People often wondered why I did it, but it was because I knew there were certain students that would attempt to use my academic probation to make me feel lower, and damage my self-worth. So, I owned it: “Yup, I’m dumb. I have a crappy GPA. I suck. Hahaha.” However, that meant that those people couldn’t do that to hurt me anymore.

I said to a friend the other day, that I use things that people use to bring me down because by owning those things, whether true or not, you cannot hurt me with those slurs. I am most certainly not dumb. In fact, when it comes to certain subjects, I often had the highest grades in the class and the reviews of my published work are almost completely flawless. However, if I let those insults roll off of my back like that, they lose all power. Much like the idea of the word “fat.” I’m fat, which is why I’m working on a diet and weight loss plan, which has allowed me to lose 31lbs so far. I’m not going to hide behind sugar coating to make things feel warm and fuzzy. A spade is a spade. Blonde is blonde. Fat is fat. A big nose is a big nose. None of these things are a reflection of who you are as a person. It’s just what is, just like having blue eyes. If you don’t like being fat; fix it. If you want to expand your mind; read a book. But don’t sugar coat your life.

These words only have power if you allow them.

So, if someone needs to send me a nasty letter to try and bring down the place I am in, good for you. I hope that you feel better that you got all of that out. I’m perfectly fine with people thinking I’m a half crazy, over-sensitive crybaby with a fat ass and is destined to become a cat lady while pining away for someone & their child. I’m also completely awesome; strong and beautiful, a double college graduate, a published writer who has interviewed 26 of the world’s most popular celebrities and has been published in various magazines over 200 times. I’m gainfully employed at a job that is not in my field, but offers me great financial compensation and benefits. I have great kids who are gifted in athletics, my 6yo is a straight A student and can read at a grade 3 level and my 3yo has the vocabulary of a child twice her age. They learned that from me. I’m charismatic and charming, witty and funny and a fund of useless information. But sure, I’m a nutcase too. Whatever.

Words are just that. Words. Don’t let them hurt you. Take them back, own them. Even if they are not true, it doesn’t matter. It’s just a matter of showing people that they can’t bring you down with their hateful words. Embrace your best self and don’t let people nitpick your flaws to hurt you by embracing them too.

Re-Run

June 21, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Much like the rest of the world, I couldn’t believe that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West opted to name their daughter “North West.”

Not only is the moniker fodder for endless mockery, but it smacks of a publicity stunt.

Some celebrities give their children ridiculous names, but the name itself means something to the couple and who am I to judge? Beyoncé and Jay-Z named their daughter Blue Ivy after her father’s body of work and their wedding date. Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin named their son Moses after a song he had penned for his wife and daughter. No Doubt singer Gwen Stefani named her son Zuma after a beach she grew up on. While I wouldn’t choose those names for my children, @ least they all have a special meaning.

However, West and Kardashian are known for their desperate grabs for fame & it would seem like poor baby North is a victim of her parents’ quest to stay in the papers. But then again, even non famous parents give their children “tryndy” spellings or cutesy monikers and that can be just as bad as naming your kid Audio Science. Now, I’m no parenting expert, but these were the things I considered when naming my girls:

1. Can everyone pronounce it? Names like Kyndyll or Maddalynne may look cool to you, but chances are, no one will know that’s supposed to be Kendall or Madeline. Write it down & give it to five friends, if any one of them trips on it, then a substitute teacher will too.

2. Remember, babies grow into people. Gracie is a super cute little girl name, but would you go to Dr. Gracie? Or Dr. Peaches? Or Pilot Inspektor, barrister & solicitor? When practising my child’s name, I put “doctor,” “barrister & solicitor,” “DDS,” etc. If it didn’t sound like someone I would let give me a root canal, I omitted the name.

3. Kids are mean. I was Harry Melon through most of public school. While Mary Christmas, Sandy Beach, or Spring Water may seem cute, it’s likely going to get your kid’s ass beat.

Kids are not props or toys. They are people with futures too. Parents have a job @ birth to name their child something that won’t stunt that future. Remember that before you name your baby.

As for baby North, here’s hoping she has a good nanny, as her parents have shown that they have little concern for her welfare.

Pound The Alarm

June 17, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Here’s my not so big secret; I’m overweight.

It’s not something I’m proud of. I’ve been struggling with my weight since a 150lbs weight gain 11 years ago. I’ve gone up and down and up and down and school didn’t permit me to have the best diet ever. This is why during my last semester, I started doing Stratusphere Yoga and running 5k every other day to start getting in shape. I’m seeing results slowly as I change my diet, less greasy foods and more focus on dairy, fruits and veggies and drinking more water. All good things and my pants are indicative of the results.

I’m doing all of this because I need to be accountable to myself for my body. After all, it’s mine alone and I need to take responsibility for my body and how I look. So, I do things like exercise, change my eating habits, etc. If I eat ice cream and gain weight, then that is my fault too.

This brings me to the idea of “fat shaming” that I wrote about awhile ago and something a fellow writer has said on his Facebook page. This is that while no, we shouldn’t shame you if you weren’t built to be a size 0, or if that isn’t the look you strive for, we should stop sugar coating obesity as what it is; fat. I am fat. I know this. I am aware of this and I don’t need people to shame me into feeling bad about myself. But I also know that I am accountable for being fat and if I want to change it, the buck stops with me.

I hate it when people say “It’s not my fault,” and then order the double Big Mac with super sized fries and then cry about people commenting about their weight gain. Well, you didn’t wake up nearly 400lbs. You made the choices that made you obese. While some people will never be smaller than a women’s size 18, that’s how their body is built and they might have worked hard to achieve those results. Wanting to be in the best shape for your size is not a bad thing.

I have a friend who is a big girl and she works it. She knows she’s fat and she has a positive self image and I think she’s amazeballs for it. What bothers me is these people who claim that they are “totally cool” with their bigger selves and then complain about people who either have no patience to sugar coat the truth or someone thinner, by continuously insulting them, or making reference to their skinny ass. No one is going to hold your hand through life or magically help you lose weight. You need to put in the time and the work. If you don’t, then don’t complain when people don’t tell you how great you look.

I guess I’m saying these things because for years, I made those excuses. It’s not my fault; I work crazy shifts, I have no time to work out, running is for losers, I like ice cream, etc. and there was always a reason why I couldn’t work out. But I was only hurting myself when I couldn’t fit in the cute clothes that I liked, etc. Now I work out with my kids in the room with me (they don’t do the poses quite the same, but they try) and my track star daughter comes running with me sometimes. I go @ night after they’ve gone to bed and use the track across the street from my house. My reminding myself that I am responsible for my body and only I can make it look how I want, then I can focus on sticking to my goals.

So, everyone has two choices. You can be fat or you can work to get in shape. But no one can make you fat and no one can help you get in shape. Those two choices are your call.

Watch Over You

June 17, 2013June 17, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Just Fun, Mommydom

I can’t sleep.

This is a fairly normal occurrence, so meh. However, I got thinking about how when I was little, I could read my favourite story & be out like a light.

My 3 year old doesn’t like being read stories. She likes to make them up. She recently invented her own fairy tale, which I use now to impart the lesson of the day.

Her kingdom is actually six kingdoms. Her kingdom is purple. Everything is purple; the streets, the castle, the river. She lives in her castle with her two sister princesses, her best friend & the king & queen. (who sits on a throne or does yoga) Her nana, the queen mum, lives in a tower & watches hockey. There is also a squirrel named Jumpy, who lives in a royal tree.

Her daddy is the guard of the brown kingdom that is ruled by her dad’s cat, who wears a kitty cat crown. The train kingdom is next, where her friend is the conductor prince. Then the ocean kingdom, where her friend the pirate prince & his mom the gypsy queen protect the seven seas. Her favourite uncle & his dog live in the rainbow kingdom, where everyone has nice shoes. Finally, her auntie rules the yellow kingdom with a mischievous princess that won’t get out of the pool.

All of the kingdoms lead to a village where a scary witch lives. Since there is no hands on in the kingdoms, the scary witch must be outsmarted. She generally helps me with her stories & we learn a lesson.

I thought I’d share this because I’m so proud of her @ 3years old for creating her little world. She spun this one day & she’s remembered all her details & continues to add on & create tales for her characters. I try to write them down & maybe someday she can tell her kids those stories & help them sleep @ night.

With video games & TV sapping the imagination of little ones, it’s nice to know that they can still pretend & create with their minds. I know that tomorrow, I can’t wait to learn more about the purple kingdom.

Butterfly Kisses

June 16, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

In honour of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to write about my relationship with my own father figures.

My father passed away when I was five years old, so I was that kid who sat out of craft time while the other kids got to make their paper neckties. It was pretty demoralizing and likely didn’t help with that fear of isolation, but I’m not here to psychoanalyze myself.

I’ve often wondered if my dad would be proud of the person I’ve become, or if he would think I was some kind of raging screw-up. I haven’t really been the best kid all of the time. I’ve lipped off to my mom, I’ve been a pain in the ass and I’ll likely never have a husband, namely because I don’t particularly see it as important and I don’t know if I want to date anyone ever again (my track record of cancelling the last 15 dates in a row is pretty telling), nor would my children accept anyone else besides the mate they want for me. My first marriage was a comedy of errors and my academic performance in any class that wasn’t english, the arts, sociology or media was pretty piss poor. I mean, yeah, I got the diplomas, but could I have been better? Am I the person that my father would be proud of? It’s something that weighs on me every single Father’s day.

Then there is my foster father, whom I call my dad. He is a great man, who encouraged me to be myself. He told me that I was a charismatic, dynamic young lady and people would be jealous of the person that I was, because all eyes go on me when I enter a room because I’m bright, witty, and charming. He taught me to be myself, trust my own instincts and believe that I was capable of anything. Somewhere I lost those lessons along the way and I guess I need to reclaim those lessons, because my dad is a smart man and he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t believe it. He’s the most important male influence I’ve ever had and I hope he’s proud of me too. Sometimes I wonder, for all of the reasons listed above. Maybe I don’t live up to my full potential. Maybe I don’t surround myself with the right people. Maybe I screw up the positive relationships in my life to spend time with people who hold me back from being my best self. I don’t know, but I know that I hope he’s proud of me.

So, these are the things I think about every single father’s day. I hope all of the dads out there are having a great day. To the stepdads who pick up the slack for the deadbeats and the dads that take their job seriously, I commend you. To the single moms going it alone, be proud of yourselves. To the grandpas and uncles and male role models who step up when no one else is there and come out to family outings, etc. I hope you know how important you are.

Before Tomorrow Comes

June 13, 2013April 11, 2022 by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Fitnesslicious, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

As Hannibal from the A-Team said, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

I love when I take a look at my life and things are going almost EXACTLY the way I want them to. I’ve been out of school for a little over a month and I’m already starting a job next week. It’s not in either field, but it’ll pay bills, which is great. However, tomorrow I have interviews for two more positions, both more financially lucrative. Again, not in my fields of study, but still rewarding. I also have a meeting to close up another chapter in my life that has been plaguing me for some time. That’s behind me too. My weight loss and fitness goals are being met, and I’m healthier. All of these things are good things and remind me of how easily I can make things happen when I put my mind to them.

I’ve even had a couple of really positive chats with “the dad.” While we’ll never be friends, we understand each other a bit better now. He’s on medication and I’ve long accepted that my inability to provide genuine romantic love for him contributed to the end of the union. It doesn’t excuse his actions, but I don’t think I helped boost his self esteem either. However, he did remind me to make sure that I make my own choices, because “Your friends; they control you. Don’t let them do it anymore.” (I’m not sure if I 100% believe that, but I have had a few people tell me this lately) He also gave some advice about love, believe it or not, because when I was happy, he wasn’t terribly thrilled, but now he realizes things are better if I’m happy & wishes that the kids could get their way because they were happier then too (which is weird, when your ex-husband says you were better off with someone else. He’s not wrong, but it’s huge growth for a guy who once told me his only joy would be when I was miserable). Will we ever have our pre-marriage friendship back? Unlikely. But we can co-parent without killing each other…right now. We’ll see how long this truce lasts, because we’ve both wrecked those truces before. I have to give him a lot of credit for this current truce, he’s been doing more for the kids and trying to get along with me, which has been good for the girls.

My hippie friend and my amazeballs Texan tell me that I need to recapture my “MH-ness” which is that I take no crap from anyone. I’m dominant and life is my bitch. So, that’s how I will carry myself, because that’s who I am and I’m proud of who I am. So, much like Hannibal, I love when a plan comes together. Things are all working in a direction so that my life will be almost exactly the way I want it. It will never be 100% the way I want it, but almost is better than not @ all, and I’ll take almost right now.

My friend the Texan told me that the hair Gods are in my favour, so that is coming together too.