Butterfly Kisses

In honour of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to write about my relationship with my own father figures.

My father passed away when I was five years old, so I was that kid who sat out of craft time while the other kids got to make their paper neckties. It was pretty demoralizing and likely didn’t help with that fear of isolation, but I’m not here to psychoanalyze myself.

I’ve often wondered if my dad would be proud of the person I’ve become, or if he would think I was some kind of raging screw-up. I haven’t really been the best kid all of the time. I’ve lipped off to my mom, I’ve been a pain in the ass and I’ll likely never have a husband, namely because I don’t particularly see it as important and I don’t know if I want to date anyone ever again (my track record of cancelling the last 15 dates in a row is pretty telling), nor would my children accept anyone else besides the mate they want for me. My first marriage was a comedy of errors and my academic performance in any class that wasn’t english, the arts, sociology or media was pretty piss poor. I mean, yeah, I got the diplomas, but could I have been better? Am I the person that my father would be proud of? It’s something that weighs on me every single Father’s day.

Then there is my foster father, whom I call my dad. He is a great man, who encouraged me to be myself. He told me that I was a charismatic, dynamic young lady and people would be jealous of the person that I was, because all eyes go on me when I enter a room because I’m bright, witty, and charming. He taught me to be myself, trust my own instincts and believe that I was capable of anything. Somewhere I lost those lessons along the way and I guess I need to reclaim those lessons, because my dad is a smart man and he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t believe it. He’s the most important male influence I’ve ever had and I hope he’s proud of me too. Sometimes I wonder, for all of the reasons listed above. Maybe I don’t live up to my full potential. Maybe I don’t surround myself with the right people. Maybe I screw up the positive relationships in my life to spend time with people who hold me back from being my best self. I don’t know, but I know that I hope he’s proud of me.

So, these are the things I think about every single father’s day. I hope all of the dads out there are having a great day. To the stepdads who pick up the slack for the deadbeats and the dads that take their job seriously, I commend you. To the single moms going it alone, be proud of yourselves. To the grandpas and uncles and male role models who step up when no one else is there and come out to family outings, etc. I hope you know how important you are.