moving forward – Page 14 – The Misadventures of MHC

She Ain’t You

January 23, 2015February 27, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Douchers, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

This week has been super crappy. But also very therapeutic.

As I packed up Target Mobile into boxes & shipped it all back to head office, I paused for a moment & burst into tears. The overwhelming enormity of what was happening, which I ignored because I had it under control hit me; while I had a job, my friends, my coworkers, they weren’t set. They had families too. My heart was breaking for them. Then, as I do, I took a deep breath & kept going. I also took this time of upheaval to be the sassiest bitch to rude guests. My coworkers joked about how I had become Squidward. I regret nothing.

I pulled some strings & start my new job on Tuesday. I’m getting a generous severance (although I haven’t been fully explained the details just yet, but if my former boss says its generous, it must be) & I’m going to use it to plan a nice little trip for myself once I’m done training. I’m calling it a friend vacation, where my girlfriends & I are going to enjoy some R&R. I need that. I’m still not 100% happy MHC, but I’ve managed to feel better.

One of the things I’ve had to do is remind myself that the life I want may not be part of the plan (my hippie friend is so proud). That job was a stepping stone to a better job. This new job is a great Johnny punch clock job but my future as a writer awaits if I ever feel comfortable writing again (It’s just easier to let people know en masse what was up with this sitch). I need to keep trusting that the universe knows where I belong & it’ll happen when the time is right & enjoy the moment I’m in.

But in order for change to happen, you need to change what you’re doing. I used to write obsessively about nothing when I’m hurting. So, now I write almost nothing & I’ll continue to write nothing until I feel okay. There are reasons I stopped & until I feel okay about them, I’ll just stay quiet. I always tell my best friend that I’m an emotional eater who makes bad life choices. But am I really gonna undo 100lbs of hard work because I lost my job? NO. So, while there were slip ups, I stuck to eating right & when I felt stressed, I grabbed my Stratusphere yoga DVD & FitGloves & found some zen. I went to my crossfit classes & improved my personal best for overhead squats. I can lift heavier, that’s progress. Progress is rad. Moping when bad shit happens or choosing not to deal with emotions (aka the old MHC way) won’t get me to the next phase in my awesome journey known as my wacky life. So, I changed how I cope. I had a huge cry. I texted Erica & Paul & the Psych Major & Damanda & freaked out. They listened without judgment because they’re the best. I ate a large pizza. I listened to Flight by Lifehouse 100 times in a row. I wrote my most raw feelings in a password protected post. Then I got up off my ass & worked out. Endorphins cure all. Suddenly, things didn’t feel so shitty anymore. This morning, things felt optimistic & bright. That couple of days of saying goodbye to my job & my coworkers were hard. But now, it’s time for the next chapter.

Maybe that’s the lesson in life; while people travel with you, there’s always a next chapter. There’s always the next job, the next adventure. There’s always the next lesson. While I don’t believe that should be applied to people, it does apply to events & this one is over & the last two months haven’t been the most awesome, but I bet the next two will be. Why? Because I said so. There is a new job, new coworkers & a really cute pair of jeans I bought a size too small so I could work to fit in them. All of these things will be exciting & I’m looking forward to them all.

Into the Nothing

December 11, 2014June 19, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

I write about my life with pretty candid honesty.

I have a lot of people tell me that they relate to me. I’m not sure why people seem to relate to me. I think I’m an idiot. That’s not true; I think I’m brilliant. I’m strong. I’m beautiful. I’m determined & talented & sometimes funny. I’m witty & charming & I have a great gift in that I can show compassion to literally anyone, even those who have hurt me. But I’ve always talked about my life, my experiences & felt better about who I am.

This time…I’ve said pretty much nothing. I’ve written stuff that I’ve deleted. I’ve written cathartic things for me. But I haven’t really said anything about my life to anyone. Not even Erica & she’s my person. She knows everything. But here we are.

I guess it’s because I’ve felt…nothing. I’m not shattered. I go to work. I go home. I go to the gym. I go home. I do yoga. I raise my family. I sleep. Repeat. I live my raddest life as I did before. I continue to get whatever I want in my professional life. I continue to succeed in my fitness goals & kick crossfit’s ass. Life did not stop. No, it kept going & I kept going & I did a damn good job. But I had nothing to say. Mainly because there’s nothing to say.

Actually, there’s lots to say. There’s the guilt I feel. I did a lousy thing to a very good person. Erica will comment underneath with an opposite stance, but that’s how I feel. I was a hypocrite. I did the thing that hurt me the most to a person I care most about in this world because I was mad. Then I was hurting because we don’t talk. Duh, we don’t talk because of ME. It’s not their job to talk to me, it’s my job to ask forgiveness! I miss a person I love very much. I didn’t count on missing them this much. I rationalized how long they weren’t in my life & I could do it again, no big! I was wrong. I just want to talk to them, hold them, be near them. When the general awesomeness that is my life happens & something amazing happens & I’m proud, I go to text them because I want them to be proud of me too. But, I can’t. Sometimes I just want to hear their voice…& I can’t. And that hollows me out even more. I keep feeling like this ending is the wrong one. Like, no world could be so cruel as to put something so wonderful back into my life just to have it snatched away & gone forever again. No human heart, even one of steel like mine can handle that blow. This didn’t have to be this way. Maybe one conversation could have turned it around, one I didn’t have because I was livid. But worst of all, I feel like I hurt someone who I abhor the thought of hurting. But I also don’t want to give anyone I know the satisfaction of knowing I am hurting. I am invincible, remember? No one hurts me! I’m an impenetrable force, which means nothing bothers me ever. I’m also not one to whine about things I cannot control. They ran, I acted like a stupid bitch & cut them out. This didn’t likely show them that they do need me. It just hurt…me.

There’s the damage in doing to my own psyche in the name of self preservation. Anyone who knows me knows that the silent treatment is (for me) the worst form of torture. Even if I elected the silence, it makes me sick. I’d rather have my fingers broken. Erica said that obviously my position was something I felt so strongly about that I was willing to put myself through my own personal form of Hell to prove it. But all I proved is what everyone told me for a year; I had become a different girl.

I thought if I kept people away from me, and pushed them away when they hurt me, I wouldn’t get hurt anymore. I thought if I moved far away from everyone, I’d be alone & no one could hurt me anymore. I had built up these huge walls so no one could hurt me anymore because I didn’t want anyone to be able to hurt me anymore. I had become so afraid of getting hurt that I was orchestrating my own hurt. I shut out anything that might hurt me because I was afraid. I didn’t want my beautiful heart to be hurt anymore by anyone. It had endured enough & I wouldn’t allow it. I wanted to be alone, so no one could ever damage me again. But I had lost the ability to work through things with compassion. I had lost my patience, my understanding. Literally everything I loved about myself was gone. Now I’ve lost the one thing I couldn’t bear to lose & the guilt & the feelings of cowardice bother me. I refuse to let them interfere with my beautiful life, so I do what I do best every day: thrive. I succeed. I put on my happiest face & I am fine.

But, there’s also the tarnish on the shiny coin of my life; it doesn’t matter. I can’t shake that I don’t matter. I am not valuable. These words do not matter. They’re just words on a screen, of no value of importance to anyone, not even me. The feeling that you do not matter, nor are you missed by someone you miss tremendously should be skull crushing. But in the end, it feels like nothing. So, I didn’t write, because it felt like nothing, because I generally don’t feel particularly strongly enough about anything to write about. But I promised one of my dearest friends I would try, for if I had my heart’s greatest joy back, maybe I’d feel like myself again.

But in reality, I just want a phone call that can’t come through from a person who probably doesn’t miss me in the least & has never been known for bravery that I hid from because I’m a coward. And the fact that I brought all of this on myself so that I will never have that is the cruellest nothing of all.

You’re probably thinking “MHC, you are a boss ass bitch! If this is bothering you THIS much, stop being a huge effing baby & pick up the damn phone & call & talk & figure your shit out! What about trust your instincts, be brave, follow your heart?! Stop being such a God damn emo baby & take that step.” I know because that’s what I tell myself. It’s what I always tell everyone. But, I don’t know how to get past the fear; of rejection, of having my heart torn apart in a manner most cruel, or worse, the silence of getting voicemail, hearing a voice & knowing you won’t hear it again. I used to be very brave, then someone who’s opinion I valued said some very terrible things to me, claiming they laughed at me & I was a joke to them. This crushed my spirit in ways no one could ever understand. So, the very thought of putting myself out there made me panic. It terrifies me & I don’t think I’ll ever be able to adequately explain it. I want to call, but I’m afraid they won’t answer. I want to send an email, but I’m afraid of getting a cruel reply or worse, no reply. I want to unblock them on FB, but I’m afraid they’ll shut me out. I hold my phone & legitimately panic like I saw an army of geese because I’m so scared they won’t answer. So, I sit in the silence. I can’t let the walls down, because I might get hurt. I want to get past it. I don’t know how to get past it. I’d love for someone to tell me.

The other one I hear is “MHC how many chances can you give someone to hurt you?” (This voice has a Texan accent) My answer; as many as they need. For I know how good they really are & what it’s like to be them. So, I want to be good to them & (irony alert) show them they have nothing to be afraid of if they would just let me into their life. Because that is the very core of who I am & I need to love myself above all else. So, I love that part of me & I never want to lose it. This goes for everyone; if you were once my friend & you need one, then I will be here for you. It doesn’t matter what you did. I’ll be there. I wouldn’t want to be any other kind of person.

So, there’s nothing. Just living. Succeeding. Being a good mom. But nothing all the same. But I do know I need to start facing my fears & letting people in, before I do more damage to my beautiful life. I’m just not sure how.

Don’t

September 19, 2014September 19, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Just Fun, Life, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships

Let me tell a story.

In January 2013, Justin Timberlake announced his 20/20 Experience tour. As a long time Timberlake fan, from back to his Mr. Noodle headed N*Sync days, I frantically called my now former best friend and told him we were going. He flatly said he wasn’t a big enough Timberlake fan to go, so no, we weren’t. It wasn’t worth his money, even though I thought it’d be fun.

Fast forward to a few months later, when the Great Gatsby, one of my all time favourite books, was released on film. I begged all of my friends to go with me, pleaded & maybe even whined. To this day, I have not seen Gatsby, as anyone who knows me knows I prefer the movie theatre experience so I rarely watch movies @ home. I was so disappointed that no one would attend the movie with me, just because it wasn’t their film choice.

I have a point, I promise.

Three days before I moved, Ed Sheeran announced his concert pre-sale. I love Ed, and have even written entire blog posts dedicated to my love for him. I actually took out a cash advance (which I’ve since paid off) so I wouldn’t affect my moving fund to buy the tickets. Zero effs given. I offered up the ticket & was met with the usual “No, I don’t like him. I’m not going. I don’t care that the ticket is free.” My good friend Shannon agreed to go but couldn’t at the last minute. With the exception of an old Sutherland friend, a coworker, & Damanda (who all had scheduling conflicts), I had no volunteers. I was about to sell my tickets on Kijiji, when my good friend the Texan suggested I just go anyway. I thought about it. I had been excited for six months, and booked my travel & hotel. Why not?

So I went. I went shopping, I saw Ed & my life was complete (until the next live act I need to see goes on tour).

But how many times have we all done that, skipped something we really wanted to do just because we don’t have a friend or partner to go with us? I can think of so many movies I didn’t see because my friends or person I was seeing at the time didn’t want to go, so I missed out. I’m a social person; I love company. But, seeing as all of my London friends either a) work crazy hours like me or b) work the same shift as me because they work with me, I needed to get over the idea that I need someone to come to a movie with me to keep up some kind of appearance to strangers. Who cares? It’s no one’s fault but mine that I missed Gatsby. I could have just gone, right? But I didn’t. And had I sold my tickets, I would be kicking myself for missing Ed. Instead I went shopping, brought home great gifts for my girls & swag for my coworkers & a great shirt to wear to my birthday party tomorrow. But most importantly, I saw a great concert & had a wonderful time. Now I’m heading home to work a short shift & enjoy my family. All good things. Did I mention I sold my extra ticket & made a nice profit? Because I totally did.

So, don’t let messed up plans or lack of interest deter you from what YOU want to do. Go to that concert solo, go to that movie. Dinner for one? Heck yes! The only person who will miss out is you, so suck up the insecurities & have a blast!

Shake It Off

September 2, 2014January 14, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dorkdom, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Happy Birthday ASH Multimedia!

I started this bliggity four years ago today and I wanted to thank all of you for going on this crazy ride known as my life with me. I’m not going to review all of the ups and downs, just thank you for reading my thoughts and feelings as life happens and hope you kept the laughing @ me to a minimum. I once had an audience of one and that meant everything to me; now I have a much larger audience and that’s really awesome. I’m so excited to see how my little creative outlet has grown.

Every year on this day I try to impart some kind of wisdom that I think will help with daily life. Today is no different.

***Disclaimer: I am a moron. Helpful wisdom is for entertainment purposes only***

I’ve always believed that some of us were put on this Earth to change the world and accomplish amazing things. My daughters are three of those people. I once told someone very important to me that his destiny was to accomplish great things & I just wanted to be by his side while he did.
Now, I like to think I am one of those people, but then I remember, not likely. I write puff pieces & this blog. But I think we all have some kind of purpose on this planet and sometimes that purpose is hard to see when things kind of suck. For a long time, I didn’t really give myself credit for my life’s accomplishments, only my failures. But when I sit in my little house by the creek, with my punch clock job & my new media job & another media project a friend is starting, my happy and healthy children and my 65lbs weight loss, I realize that we as humans need to let ourselves feel pride in who we are. It’s okay to be selfish and say “I did this,” because we need to feel competent and successful. I know what I can do & how strong & successful I can be & I’m proud of that. I no longer need to see my worth in being beside someone; I have worth for being me.

But that’s not my wisdom.

My wisdom is a simple lesson I had to tell myself when I felt completely alone and miserable. I had felt betrayed, like an idiot, and so completely alone and humiliated. But, when I woke up in the morning, I looked in the mirror and said “I’m still here.” Those three words got me through all of the bad times from that day on. Obviously, whatever was bothering me, whatever thing that I thought was life altering and heartbreaking couldn’t be that bad, because I’m still here. I’m still here on this Earth to raise my daughters and accomplish something important. At various points in my life, like all of you, I would lay my head down on my pillow and sob and wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning…but I did and I’m so glad that I did, because now I get to live my raddest life. I’m still here, on this planet, to make some kind of difference, so I plan to live my raddest life, and be happy, and be positive, and be the person I’ve always want to be so I can teach my daughter how to live their raddest lives.

So, if you’re in the “everything sucks” part of your journey, it’s okay. We all have that part of our story and you’ll soon learn that it’s actually one of the most awesome parts of your journey. No, I’m not insane. All of that bad, horrible crap that rips your heart out and brings you to your knees will help you see how strong and brave you can be. You’ll learn that while in those dark moments, maybe you didn’t handle them with grace or maturity (I know I didn’t), but that’s okay; anyone who says that they handled every single thing in life with poise & grace & has never gone a little bit crazy is a big liar. However, you endured and when they’re over, you’ll have the joy of knowing that you are strong and powerful and brave…and no one can ever take that away from you unless you let them. You are in control of your feelings, how you see yourself. If someone is crushing you, you’re letting them. Take control by telling yourself every day that you are worthy of living the best life. By reminding yourself that this life altering, soul crushing blow wasn’t the end, it’ll help you to keep moving on & when it’s all over & you’re succeeding & thriving; you’ll know that it’s because you learned from the bad.

So, thanks for reading four years of my drivel. I hope to amuse you for four more. I hope we get through lots of really cool stuff together. Maybe I’ll get to tell you about how I met my soulmate and I just knew. Maybe I’ll announce I got the best journalism gig ever (although I really love the one I just started) or another awesome move & of course, how my girls become women. Maybe someday I’ll write my book on love (working title is “I attract Losers”) and you can be hipsters & say you knew me BEFORE it became big & turned into a romcom starring Jessica Alba & Adam Levine. And we’ll laugh. And we’ll cry. And we’ll be strong and amazing people, because we’ll all still be here.

The View From Here

April 30, 2014April 30, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Current Events, Dorkdom, Life

I figured I’d take a moment and share my lovely view of suburbia! That’s right, the least likely soccer mom now lives in a community with a condo board & a welcome committee & a housing association. Let me just get my minivan & mom jeans & I’ll fit in! I’ve also gotten to say “I don’t know how to turn on my fireplace,” in a sentence. I’ll post more pics after my furniture arrives & I finally get to paint.

Isn’t it very Desperate Housewives like?

Closing Time

April 26, 2014April 26, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television, When Things Suck Hard

Normally, my song title blog post titles are just as random as what I’m listening to at the time. Today is different. I deliberately sought out this song for one line, which sums up this post nicely;

Much like every part of life, this Windsor chapter has been about beginnings & endings. I started over after my first attempt to get a post secondary diploma didn’t go according to plan. I succeeded, graduated & became a writer. I welcomed my youngest daughter & watched her grow into a bright & happy young girl. I obtained a second post secondary diploma when my dearest hippie friend called me & suggested we both needed a change. I started a retail, johnny punch-clock job (even though I swore I’d rather be shot) to support my family & found that it wasn’t so bad. I made great friends & found I was pretty darned awesome @ this real people job thing. I fell out of love with my husband & closed the door on my marriage. I fell in love with a man & had my heart broken. I kept longing for a person who couldn’t or wouldn’t ever love me back. From that experience, I became closed & guarded, terrified to let anyone in again, even my closest friends. I was alienating anyone near me for fear of getting hurt by another person, but I’m slowly stepping out of that shell, taking Gigi’s advice to go out & live again, spend time with friends & even go to some “meetings” (first dates) & be the beautiful, strong & vibrant woman I was meant to be (she’s a wise woman, that Gigi. Meghie also suggested to pick the opposite of what I usually would, but Meghie doesn’t mince words). Truthfully, I haven’t been happy with my Windsor life for years. I often mentioned to Drew that I wanted to get as far away as I could, but there was always one thing that appeared & made me stay & I kept romanticizing this life. Much like “How I Met Your Mother’s” Ted Mosby ignored his incompatibility with former love Robin, overlooking her faults even in the closing moments of the series, I chose to ignore my unhappiness. I pretended not to notice how I let friends dictate everything, including the colour of my living room, while borrowing money & dragging me down with their negativity & chose to ignore that the continued attempts to take over my life were making me passive aggressive & bitchy. I also didn’t notice my own dragging down a good friend, allowing my broken heart & fear of starting over without his guidance & the person I truly believed was the love of my life with me to choke the life out of one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I ignored my professional dissatisfaction at the magazine, because I was living my dream so I had to suck it up. I ignored that I didn’t care for my neighbourhood & wanted more out of my life, I had been so happy in that life that I was afraid to let it go, even when it was gone. I wanted to go back to that life, with those friends (even though they weren’t perfect, they were my life mates), with that man (even though I knew he’d always hurt me), with that little girl & my own girls, that I couldn’t see that old life wasn’t where I belonged, all I felt was the pain because it didn’t exist anymore. I needed to let go of the life I wanted, the one I’ll never have, to get the life I truly deserve. Much like when Ted finally let go of Robin, he found true love with the titular mother (I’m not acknowledging the last five minutes of the show because I’m trying to make a point), one random September day, I decided to let it all go & just leave town & start over. I got sidetracked by a person & their cruelty, which left me leaving them in a bar in tears, sobbing to the Gleason Table. But that helped me remember that I need to do what’s right for ME. So, I set a timetable, found a house, focused on my personal goals (including a 31lbs weight loss!) & I have been happy. But we all do this at some point; we hold onto nothing because what was once there was amazing, even when it wasn’t. Most of those friends were toxic, that house not the place you want to settle into forever. That man probably wasn’t the beautiful person you remember. Once you realize that (sometimes if you listen to Wide Awake by Katy Perry 100x times in a row, it’ll speed things up), it’s easy to cut that cord & move forward. But don’t feel badly if you struggled or if it took you longer to heal, because all humans heal on their own time. But you’ll get there. We all get there.

But today is the last day & one can’t help but be nostalgic on the last day. I will turn around tomorrow to look back at my empty home & face the flood of memories. I’ll take that instant to remember the birthday parties, the Christmas get together’s, the St. Patrick’s Day I made corned beef even though I didn’t like it. I’ll remember the night he asked me (indirectly) 15 different times to marry him, the cold night air against my face when he showed up late at night, held me in his arms, called me his salvation & said my smile healed his pain, and the night I leaned against my bedroom door & broke down sobbing for hours until I mercifully passed out on the floor because he walked away. I’ll remember MH & Drew’s grand adventures, the nights we were late for the movies because he got watching Maury, needing him to light my barbecue because I was afraid of it, shopping for an iMac, the great ostrich debate & any conversation that ended in “Right?!” I’ll remember blinking back tears as two of my babies started school, sidewalk chalk artwork & all of the times the pirate princess demanded to feed the “gooses” in the yard. I’ll remember school projects, silly songs & clean up days singing Taylor Swift into my mop while my children laughed. I’ll remember a little girl who ran to me & always embraced her little friend like they’d been separated by war every time they met. I’ll remember rushing home from my office to my home office to interview Penn Jillette, my happy tears when my musical hero Amanda Marshall said I was a good reporter & the two am revisions passing out on my computer because I know if I read it over ONE MORE TIME, this time it’ll be perfect. I’ll relive every emotion & then I’ll take a deep breath…& let it all go so I can make a new fresh start & make it a good one.

Why? Because every new beginning in comes from some other beginning’s end. This chapter of my life has come to an end & the London chapter is a blank page. It’ll be interesting. I’ll find another magazine & tell more interesting & exciting stories that I hope people will read & love. Maybe I’ll fall in love again & finally meet the great love of my life, but that’s not really a priority. Maybe I’ll keep moving towards the GTA & finally land that sweet job in a PR firm or a magazine. But whatever happens, it’s time to stop being afraid & see what happens next, because it may very well be everything I’ve ever wanted.

So, goodbye to this life & welcome new adventures. Let’s see what you have in store for me.

Roads Untravelled

March 21, 2014March 22, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships

I’ve found the key to packing before a big move; THROW IT ALL OUT.

I’m not even kidding. I’m throwing it all out.

So far, the only things I’m packing from my living room are my television (which is really only used to play workout DVD’s and watch Frozen. If I ask you if you want to build a snowman, I apologize) and the Overlord’s piano. All three of my daughters are getting new beds. I’ve packed up bags of clothes, and brought the toys down to two bins. Almost every knicknack has been tossed out.

I’m a sentimental person; things hold meaning for me and part of preventing the nostalgic feeling while packing has been to throw it all out. That “date night” shirt that I specifically bought because my date said I looked good in that colour? Throw it out. The wooden box that a former friend painted for me? Throw it out. Unless it is something I absolutely cannot part with, I’m throwing it out. It’s rather therapeutic, getting rid of stuff that I don’t need so my new house and my new future is going to be a complete fresh start.

I’m in the middle of this awesome change right now, where I’m sort of reinventing who I am by becoming some kind of hybrid of who I was in high school (adorably cocky bitch) and who I am now (overly sympathetic and compassionate) and it’s been nice. I’m working on my body (down 22.5lbs), changed my hair to the brighter ombre and continue to focus on making this new chapter the most positive chapter it can be. I like that I’m finally making steps to make my life what I want. Too often, I hear people make excuses for why their situation never changes & I don’t want to be that person. I had to take some steps back to step forward, but that’s okay, I’m on the right path to a great future.

I just really like my hair in this picture.

But back to the sentimental stuff. Apparently my daughters have picked up on this too and it’s both a positive and a negative thing. It also helped me learn that I have to learn to keep some of that sappy stuff in check. While packing their toys and downsizing, I went through each toy and asked them if they actually played with it and if they said no, then off it went. The Pirate Princess held on to a stuffed bunny that she doesn’t play with often, but she fought me tooth and nail, citing that her Uncle Drew bought it for her for her birthday as a baby (how the eff she remembers that I’ll never know) and she needed to keep it because she wuvs him. The Overlord did the same thing with a stuffed…uh…thing (it’s a weird little creature). She couldn’t let it go because Blank gave it to her for her birthday and he even wrapped it and he never wraps gifts and it was special and she needed to hold onto it. She’s slept with it ever since. I probably should have tossed em, as they weren’t toys that they played with much and I’m trying to downsize, but I decided to pick my battles and let them keep those sentimental toys. After all, I’ve kept a necklace that I’m allergic to but wore every day & a copy of Edgar Allen Poe’s complete works buried in a box in my room because they were gifts from these people. Why can’t they keep these small mementos?

But part of moving forward is getting rid of some of the stuff that no longer serves you, or that will hold you back. I don’t need my hoard of stuff to keep memories, I have them locked away. Aside from baby pictures, concert ticket stubs and a handful of other mementos, there’s not a whole lot of stuff in this life I need to hold onto as cherished stuff. All of that stuff is in my amazing box of stuff and packed away. There’s no sense in moving that stuff from place to place, as it’s unnecessary and bogs you down. So, I’ll just keep purging so I can focus on moving forward and making my new house as clutter free and warm and positive as possible. Also, it’ll be a lot cheaper to move as Ikea will be delivering most of it six days after I move in, so there’s that too. But there’s still the matter of moving that piano up a flight of stairs, so I should probably do some burpees. With weighted gloves. Until I puke.

Day 30: Five Good Things

March 2, 2014March 15, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Dorkdom, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Political Fluff

It’s the last day of this challenge!

While nothing overly earth shattering has happened to me over 30 days, great things happen every day! So, here are five of the most awesome things that happened this month.

1. My transfer was approved, all official-like. I signed all the papers, paid the deposit on my house & it’s all mine! I’m outta here Windsor! Peace out!

2. I’ve lost a total of 20lbs in 8 weeks! Quelle success!

3. Ronan Farrow favourited my tweet, which means he knows I’m alive. That’s step one towards our wedding in the Hamptons & us becoming a journalist power couple.

For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Farrow, he’s a journalist who served as the Special Adviser for Humanitarian and NGO Affairs in the Office of the Special Representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan under the Obama Administration. He recently got his own show on MSNBC thanks to his background & being a smart ass on Twitter. He also loves Zelda. If there was ever a human being designed for me, there it is. Also, he looks like this:

I may dislike matrimony, but my wedding to Ronan Farrow, which exists entirely in my imagination (and I then get a job @ the New Yorker) is quite lovely…& will feature Taylor Swift.

4. I made a friend. It was awful.

Okay, so Grumpy is actually the Overlord’s friend, a gift for her seventh birthday, which was minion themed. We’ve been calling her Grumpy Cat for a year because she glared in our Easter photos last year & someone said that’s what she looked like. She even placed third in a Grumpy Cat lookalike contest (she was robbed). But I like to think Grumpy enjoys my company too, probably not. He’s Grumpy for a reason.

5. I finally made an appointment to make my hair a colour & not just 19 shades of whatever.

Sure, they’re not exciting things, but it’s fun & life is meant to be fun. So, I like to focus on the positive & fun things that make me & the people I love smile. I feel like that’s where I fit in this world; journalist & mom who makes people smile.

I hope this made you smile.

Day 28: What Stresses Me Out

February 28, 2014February 27, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Douchers, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

There was a time when everything in life stressed me out.

During my marriage, I walked on eggshells. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything. After the marriage, I was walking on different eggshells. I was so afraid to be alone that I didn’t want to make anyone mad at me. That way, they would love me.

Now, I focus on things by breaking them up as I need to. Cleaning my basement? We’ll do it in four days. Budgeting? We’ll plan it at the start of each month. Chores through the chore hat. Instead of procrastinating and letting things build up in my mind, I handle them as they come. I meditate each night. Yoga helps me detstress. I keep a list of goals I’ve accomplished. All of these things help me keep focused and almost sane. Then, of course, there is my writing, which always helps me, no matter how stressed I am. When I was in school, I often wrote about inane garbage because the subject matter sucked so hard that I couldn’t focus. My writing helped me focus on what needed to be done to get through. Same with the rest of my life; writing helps me find my balance.

The other thing is that I no longer feel dependent on others. I have realized that no matter who comes and goes in my life, I have my children and I will survive. It might sting, but that’s okay; because as the singer Jojo says “Disaster strikes and I’m alright because my love’s on his way.” Whether that’s a friend, a lover, a relative I’m reconnecting with, there will always be someone who loves me in this life and I will cherish those people. However, sometimes, their time in my life has an expiration date. That may sting, but it’ll be alright because I have myself, my daughters, my faith and my determination to make all of our dreams come true will get me through.

Also, if that doesn’t work and life throws me for a loop, I’ll simply spend an hour doing yoga and between that and chivasana, my mind will be cleared enough to write, which always helps me find my way. Or there’s wine. There’s always wine.

Day 27: My City

February 27, 2014February 19, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH Photography, Current Events, Life, My New Life As Me, support Windsor!

My current hometown isn’t known for it’s picturesque settings (nor am I known for my photography skills) but I took this photo before an Amanda Marshall concert & I’m pretty proud of it.

Of course, this won’t be home much longer as I’m packing up & out of here in 63 days. While I’ll miss my friends here, I’m looking forward to escaping the dark cloud of negativity that seems to hang over Windsor. Most people who have left seem happier to be out of here & there’s just something exciting about moving forward, starting over, making everything bright & beautiful again. However, I must admit, that this view will always remind me of home.