moving forward – Page 10 – The Misadventures of MHC

It Ain’t Me

June 30, 2017 by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Life

One thing I talk about frequently is my love of fitness. I super love it. Fitness is my favourite thing in the entire world. I love running. I love crossfit. I love yoga. But even though I love it, work, parenting, and life prevents me from working out as much as I want. I’m starting to realize that I need to work my way up to “the people at my gym go five days a week! I need to find time for six workouts or imma be a Mighty Morphin Failure Ranger!”

When I started working out, it was six days a week with Stratusphere yoga. Then six days with Stratusphere Sculpt. But once I started running, I found six days to be too much. I ran every other day. So, three to four days a week. Then I added Crossfit. I went twice a week. During the winter I added some yoga at home twice a week. But as I added intensity, I found I needed downtime. Then I took six months off for an injury and three more because I had lost that WLCF loving feeling, where I would grab my gear and make a 7am class because those were my favourite people, outside of ones that shared my DNA. I’m so fortunate to have captured that again at my new gym. They are the best people in YEG. But sometimes I only get there once a week. And I might not want to run the next day. Then I look at the Fitbit that says I’ve only worked out twice and get down on myself. Then I eat shit…and feel like shit.

Last night, I decided to FaceTime one of my two BFF’s, you might know him as heavy lifting outlaw Lift Bitches (give him a follow on the IG, you won’t be disappointed. PS I totally named his YouTube channel. Totally remind him that it’s great)! I love having a competitive powerlifter friend. I can talk about my progress, fears, etc. He gave me some real talk; yoga for six days (even bad ass yoga) is a lot less intense than two 5K runs and two WOD’s. Stop comparing myself to the guys in the competitors class and compare myself to last week’s MHC. Is she better? Eating better? Living better? Could I add more weight to my bar? Did I do an extra hanging knee raise before I felt scared? That’s the progress that matters.

I keep forgetting that in October, I was basically starting my crossfit journey all over again. I can’t compare my progress to the competitors. I can’t even compare myself to WLCF me. I have to only focus on here and now MHC. My workouts have changed. Four days a week of crossfit and a 5K run followed by a half hour yoga cooldown is okay. No, I may not achieve my goal of a handstand push up by the end of the year. I may not hit a 200lbs back squat. But if I keep pushing forwards instead of stressing that I’m obviously not cut out for crossfit because my time was the slowest and my burpees were sloppy and I needed a rest day after a hard WOD, I’ll actually do those things. I need to be proud of the little victories, not kick myself.

I sometimes wonder if my desire to be the best is hindering me. I fell in love with Crossfit because it’s a limitless journey to become healthier. Why am I always looking for the quick fix? Why do I feel like “the scale didn’t move this week. Am a fat failure. Break out the pizza.” I also wonder if I’m the only Crossfitter/person trying to be healthy who feels this way.

So now, I’m going to focus on realistic goals. A realistic workout routine. In a few months, we’ll add a day or two, but right now, this is where I am, and that’s okay. I have to set goals that are right sized for me, not for the guy who can deadlift a million pounds and has been training without stopping for five years. He was probably struggling to get through that power snatch just like me once. But I’m never gonna deadlift a million pounds if I keep beating myself up for not working out six days a week. I’ve gotta trust the process…and myself.

Love Again

June 21, 2017July 1, 2017 by maryhelenc, posted in Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Terrible choices I make

Part of growing as a human means being able to look internally and evolve.

For me, it means recognizing that over the last year, I’ve sabotaged almost all of my potential relationships.

I’ve really enjoyed casual dating. It’s been nice to go out, spend time with someone and be picky enough to cut things off if I don’t see it going anywhere. I’ve never been a casual dater. Just a relationship gal. So, this is all new territory for me. An old friend of mine once told me I needed to do that. That’s how you get over toxic boyfriends; you date. Maybe they aren’t the one. But by meeting “not the one” a whole bunch of times, you’ll also realize how much toxic boyfriend was also not the one. You’ll be able to look back objectively and go “man, that guy was a controlling prick. I don’t need that. I want qualities X, Y, and Z.” Sometimes I wish that I could message that old friend and apologize for not seeing it sooner. But he’s moved forward and so have I. We have mutual friends. Maybe we’ll check each other’s FB and see we’ve grown into cool people and reconnect.

But I’m off topic, aren’t I? Let’s bring it back in.

I’ve enjoyed my non committal dating. It’s helped me figure out what I do want and what I don’t. Then when I meet someone with these qualities, I can venture into a more serious relationship. But there have been times when I was really into the guy and when he pushed for us to be more serious (meet the kids, meet the family), I kind of balked and the relationships fizzled. I’m a bit gun shy. I don’t trust well. And it’s hard for me to let my guard down around men.

I was telling one of my good girlfriends about this today. I was getting to know a guy, and I was really interested in getting to know him better. But then he asked for more personal information and I instantly clammed up & asked to keep some boundaries. I gave a high level explanation about how important moving slowly is, and I’ve had some bad experiences with men moving too quickly and then becoming awful people literally overnight. I just need some more time to get to know him while I have my guard up. He said he understood, but I can’t shake the feeling that there is no more interest on his side. That sucks, because he was a really nice guy and I was looking forward to getting to know him a bit better.

Because I mentioned her, look how cute my friend is

I wonder if this is normal, that feeling of wanting to get to know someone, but afraid that if you let them close to you, they’ll become a bloody fucking lunatic, and then stalk you for years. Or is that just something I worry about? I know I’m capable of long term friendships. I know I can attract a partner if I wanted one. But I feel like I question my own judgement. I mean, I have a neon sign over my head that says “I attract losers.” Am I just assuming that I don’t know how to choose a partner because my track record is a who’s who of the mentally disturbed. But I’m probably cutting out really great guys because I’m so scared that someone is going to hunt me down, tell me they love me & they won’t take no for an answer, and pick out an engagement ring and then stop talking to me two weeks later with no explanation, then stalk me. Or cheat on me with a coworker. Or be abusive. Because that’s what I pick. I have a bad habit of falling too hard, too fast. I look through rose coloured glasses and all of the red flags just look like flags. Now I look through scared bunny glasses, assuming every one will hurt me, so if I stay behind the safe wall, that won’t happen.

Maybe it’s about balance. Maybe you need to have a combination of scared bunny glasses and rose coloured glasses. Maybe having that independent self and boundaries are important, so when the right person comes, they’ll respect those boundaries and I’ll be able to see if they have qualities “X, Y, and Z.” Maybe those boundaries are important because it helps me see what their intentions are before I’m in over my head and being dragged down, but so in love that I’m excusing the worst kind of behaviour because I’m madly in love and ignoring their true, horrible personalities.

Now I need to learn how to balance the scared bunny feeling and avoid the rose coloured glasses. Find the “look at someone through the regular, you wear them every day glasses.” The one good thing casual dating has taught me is that “the one” isn’t the guy that walks out, or the guy who doesn’t take no. He’ll be the one who stays, is willing to put inthe work, and look at you through human eyes, not rose coloured glasses. The good thing about all of the “not the ones” is that they’ll prepare you for the actual one, who’s worth letting your guard down for.

Maybe this is about trusting my judgment again. Letting go of this fear that only psychopaths and narcissists are capable of loving me because there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I need to start believing that really good men would be interested in me. After all, I like me. I have three jobs, three great kids, my bills are paid because I make my own money. I go to the gym, have no criminal record and most people like me. And I guess I’m kind of pretty. On the catch scale, I’m a solid 7.5. Maybe I’m holding myself back because I’ve allowed myself to believe that nice guys don’t want me, I’m just catnip for psychos. I think it’s time I let that belief system go. There’s nothing wrong with me & I am not unworthy of a great guy. Because of this, I can slowly learn that I don’t need to be afraid of every guy, thinking he’s just going to hurt me. But, it doesn’t hurt to keep your guard up a little. Because protecting yourself is never a bad thing.

Somebody’s Love

July 2, 2016July 2, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Life, My New Life As Me, Social Media

After eight months, I’ve said goodbye to the world of major retail big box chains.

I left my manager & DM thank you notes, as well as the store manager. Much like when I left the St. Albert location, my coworkers were gifted a bucket of snacky foods and a thank you letter, although this time, there was a welcome letter for the new hire, who has been a good friend to me since I started. I feel it’s important to make sure that those who worked hard with you during your tenure know you appreciate them. I’ve been fortunate to work with a strong manager and a District Manager who is a role model for all women in wireless. She loves her team, works hard for those who work for her and doesn’t take anyone’s crap. I hope that I can lead my new team with the same level of integrity and success that she has.

I’m so freaking excited to be moving forward. In this past month, I’ve taken my new position and I’m so excited to get started. I was under the impression that I’d be shadowing the manager for my probationary ninety days, but he’s made it clear that my new store will be “my baby” after two weeks, and a crash course in wireless leadership. That’s both awesome and frightening, but then I remind myself that they’re trusting me with this because I’ve proven that I can do it. My work history demonstrates that I can be a capable leader. So, it’s about calming the nerves, taking a deep breath and stepping up to the plate.

My writing career is booming too. My first article under my new editor was a success, which makes me happy. When I started with Great West Newspapers, I was afraid to pitch a story. I didn’t think I should. What do I know about Alberta and the lifestyles of people here? I accepted my assignments as they came and when a story idea that I carefully crafted was given to another writer, I wanted to give up. I felt like a fish out of water and maybe I’m not the talented journalist I always thought I was. But when I got the email that there was a change of the guard, I decided to suck it up and be brave. I came up with two ideas and pitched them both. My new editor replied with that both were good, but one was a better fit for the summer months. So, I got to work and when I got the email saying that there were no revisions necessary and it was being printed, I was elated! One of my pieces for My Trending Stories was very well received and I’ve mentioned it before, but the editor of a major Edmonton newspaper told me my blog was witty and clever and he couldn’t wait to read my published work. All of a sudden, I felt very much like the person I have worked my entire life to become. Pitching stories is such a huge part of what I do, so my lack of confidence, much like my lack of driving, has held me back.

Nothing holds me back anymore.

When the editor of a local newspaper set out a call for freelance writers, I brainstormed with a friend (who also happens to be as passionate about radio as I am about writing) and we came up with an idea that could be really interesting. I drew up a little proposal and explained why I thought readers would like it and sent it off. I haven’t heard back yet, which I’m taking as a positive sign. Had he hated it (or required more pictures of Spiderman), he would have just said so. But when some friends asked me about my idea, I told them, and as I was saying “You’ll think it’s silly…” they replied “That sounds really interesting!” I’ve booked interviews already. I’m so excited about how this is turning out. Maybe he won’t want to run with it. If not, I’ll finish it and sell it to another magazine here in YEG. Because why not? The more publications that print my work, the better it is for my career.

I guess I need to stop being so damn timid whenever I feel out of my element and just go out there and kick ass and be a bad ass. My body of work speaks for itself, so I need to stand behind it. I need to stop being afraid that I cannot do something and just focus on the fact that I can and I will do well if I work hard, treat people with kindness and respect and believe that I can be the best journalist and cell phone boss lady that I can be. So, it’s one day off to recharge the batteries then it’s back into the cell phone game as the lady of the house, while getting those crossfit workouts, thrice weekly runs and interviews for my next article done.

It’s a busy, beautiful life and I’m so grateful to be the one who gets to live it.

And I have this one on Team MH. She’s good people

White Noise

June 23, 2016June 24, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I think it’s time for me to admit that I do really stupid things.

I wouldn’t necessarily say stupid, but maybe “I have no chill” as the cool teenagers say.

Because my journalism career is picking up all kinds of steam, I decided to separate my personal social media from my professional one. I figured it might be better to separate my work from my social media, where I discuss super important things like crossfit, why I think running is stupid, and of course, the return of Seth Rollins and my childlike crush on Seth Rollins. It’s honestly really boring and why I have any followers, I will never know (speaking of which, follow me on Twitter and read about my boring life and teenybopper crush on Seth Rollins!)

Still say that this is where MiTB ended. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

So, I opened up this super cool professional Twitter account, which you can totally follow here if you want to read my latest articles! My next article should be up in the coming weeks, so I’m excited.

I’ve also been offered an opportunity to contribute to a new news and popular culture blog (check out my writer profile HERE). That’s kind of exciting. And one of my blog posts was extremely well received by readers, including some fitness writers! Not too bad for a story about a goose.

But the editor for some of the many newspapers I applied for jobs with read this blog and then told me he thought it was really good! Naturally, when responding to the compliment, I managed to do in a way that can only be classified as “completely awkward asshole.” That’s how I deal with compliments folks. Like an asshole. Of course, I DID make an impression, so next time there’s a posting at the Examiner, I can apply with “Hey, remember that time you complimented my work and I asked if you were being sarcastic like a douche? That was me, I swear I’m talented and have the education and portfolio to back it up. Please give me a job.” But it was such a big deal to me. Someone who’s body of work I admire and I hope will someday be my editor complimented this mishmash of thoughts. It was like a big sign that said “You are on the right track MHC.” This silly compliment made me so very proud & it took everything in me not to text everyone I know that the editor thinks I don’t suck. But most of the people in my life are sick of the play by play about my career, the stories I’m working on, the emails I’m sending, etc. I sometimes forget that this is actually only really important to me, and that the eye rolls I get are perfectly natural. I sometimes wonder if I’m the only person who gets this passionate about what they do and who they want to be.
That same night, another freelance opportunity presented itself and I applied. Then I sent a message on LinkedIn asking if there was more I could do to help with my application. That’s when I realized that while in my personal life, I have infinite patience, in my professional life, I have NONE. No chill ever. In my personal life, I am the giver of chances, I am the person who wants to offer love and forgiveness and the opportunity to prove that you can be the person you are capable of being if you would just try really hard to stop doing dumb ass shit (until I reach my limit, then you’re erased). I want my children to learn from my example; how to be healthy, mentally healthy, strong, brave, and determined. I give them chances to grow. I’m patient with them. I listen. But when it comes to my professional life, I become so impatient. Reply right now. Interview right now. Let’s get started. Let me write right now. The position I interviewed at Great West won’t even be available until the fall. So, here I am, trying super hard to be patient, because I’m starting to realize that my eager beaver ways might be putting off potential editors. While I think it would be awesome to have staff that wanted a job as much as I want one, maybe others disagree. So, I am going to try this patience thing. I’ve heard it works in some circles. I’ll wait the proper seven days and then call and follow up. Hopefully, I will get in and can proudly announce the next paper I’ll be writing for so my friends and family can all pretend to care and roll their eyes again. I’ll apply the patience that I give to those I love the most to the world I love the most and see if it pays off.

I’m just so excited. The more places I can published & the more time I can put in a newsroom, the closer I get to the thing I’ve worked my ENTIRE life for. And I get ahead of myself. And then I do and say stupid things which doesn’t help. Sometimes I swear I’m a cartoon character.

If not, I’ll find a happy balance between “aggressive bitch” and “wishy washy passive.” It’s gotta be in there somewhere.

Young & Relentless

June 15, 2016June 15, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Remember when I used to randomly switch jobs because I decided on a whim that I hated it?

We’re not quite in that place, but I did get a new job.

I’ve always managed to maintain good relationships with my old colleagues. Because of this, when opportunities come up, I am fortunate enough to take advantage. I told you I had some other options on the go. Well, one of them was with a company that I have a lot of connections with. My former District Manager (whom I still call Boss Man Adam despite him not actually being my boss anymore) made a phone call and suggested the YEG District Manager call me about an opportunity in the area. We had a good chat and what started as a sales rep offer turned into a Manager in Training/Co-Manager position that will lead to me taking over the store once I prove I can do what Boss Man Adam said I’m capable of. As much as I love my current boss and manager, more money & career expansion is too much to pass up so I’ll be starting a new job in two weeks!

Hey, remember when we all went on a work trip? It was rad.

I don’t feel badly about this change.When I took my last job it left me with horrible anxiety that it would affect the parts of my life that made me the most happy…& it did. Even though I reclaimed what makes me most happy (family & fitness), now I’m joining a company that I love, respect the culture & see nothing but growth. For this I am grateful, even if the commute is kind of sucky. However, it’s not the worst commute I’ve ever done & I still have time for crossfit. But life has a way of just becoming awesome, so I’m proud of how I turned it all into a positive & built my career & myself the way I want & I learned not only can I survive here on my own, but I thrive and everything always just gets better! Hard work & being a good person always pays off and things will always work out if you treat people well, be nice & work hard.

But it’s a place I can build a career and still freelance (BTW my latest assignment is freaking awesome) & build my portfolio. More money means I can afford to buy a car next year (BECAUSE I CAN LEGALLY DRIVE NOW BITCHES). More money means more in the college funds as the dad reminded me this week (before I blocked his number because he’s annoying and rude) he’s on a fixed income & has no real plan to change that so I’m expected to foot the bill for everything. So, I need to be able to increase my earning potential. And I’m excited. I’ll be running my own store & building my own team and that’s gonna be amazing.

So, feel free to stay tuned on Facebook (unless I’ve blocked you on Facebook), Twitter (unless I’ve blocked you on Twitter) or LinkedIn (unless I’ve blocked you on LinkedIn) for the next stop in my wireless career. I think it’s gonna be a good one.

Brighter

June 7, 2016June 7, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Life, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me

So, a really important thing happened today that I need to share with all of you.

I’m going to post a photo & I will leave you to figure out what it is. I know I swore it would never happen, but I guess I never realized how much it was something I really wanted and needed. It came about in a way that was VERY unexpected & super fast, but I’m sure once I tell the story, you’ll see that it was the right time & it’s the right thing.

Still stumped? I’ll explain.

But first, let’s listen to the song selection that titled today’s blog post.

(BTW, every blog post will be titled by songs by Against the Current or PVRIS for the forseeable future)

That’s right guys; I FINALLY GOT MY COW PROVINCE DRIVER’S LICENSE.

I’ve been afraid to drive for YEARS. I once promised it would be a cold day in Hell before I ever bothered to drive. My ex husband once threatened to divorce me if I didn’t learn to drive by my 25th birthday…and my 30th. Oop. I don’t really like it when men tell me what to do. I always meant to out here, but I always got sidetracked, what with the infected kidneys & such. After awhile, I started to doubt that I could. But after I was offered my third journalism gig that I had to turn down because it required the occasional commute to another town, I got fed up & realized I’m holding myself back from my dreams! I came here because I’m a damn good journalist who works damn hard. I have devoted my entire life to this & I am letting jobs slip through my fingers because I won’t learn?! Stupid.

So I got the book. I studied during downtime @ work. My manager quizzed me. I took the online tests. I corrected the typo in the book. Then, when I felt ready, I went for it & I FAILED. Yup, I failed on the first try. So, I texted my best friend & told her how stupid I felt & that driving was dumb & I wasn’t gonna do it. I even contemplated moving home; obviously this wasn’t where I belonged. She told me to shut up & take it again, because her best friend needs no man, no encouragement, nothing but her own wherewithal. So I did & I passed & I can now learn to drive like a big person. Pretty cool, huh?

GOOD JOB PROVINCE OF ALBERTA. THERE IS A TYPO IN THE BOOK.

But, much like everything else in my life, I did it on my terms, my way. I got it when I was ready & because I wanted to, and not a moment before. I no longer allow anyone to tell me what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me. I know what I want & what works for me & I intend to get all of it. That means learn to drive & get that kick ass media job I’ve always wanted, because dreams are meant to come true & they only work if you do.
And it’s nice to have photo ID again. I have a passport again too! I can prove who I am!

I don’t know if Hell froze over, but if it did, I’m not sorry. I have a career to continue building, dreams to make reality. You know; stuff.

Holding on For Life

March 18, 2016March 18, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Douchers, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I have always stressed that I am a happy person & will always be a happy person, regardless of the situation around me. I pride myself on it. Life can throw its worst at me & I will just smile & carry on. Why? Because things don’t make us happy. People can enhance our happiness, but we can only be truly happy if we love ourselves & our situation. Regardless of what happens, I love my life. I have wonderful children, great friends, I’m good at my job. I love crossfit. I’m a pretty okay writer. I’m smart & even kind of pretty. No matter what happens, I look in the mirror & love the woman I’ve become & that is what matters the most in this life.

And sometimes, life likes to fucking test me.

When I switched workplaces to improve my life, I was told the place was a little more rough around the edges. But I didn’t care. I needed to do what was best for my family. Sacrifices and stuff. And it’s all been very positive…UNTIL SOMEONE STOLE MY PURSE AND EVERYTHING IN IT.

Yup, my passport (which was left in there from my trip to the Registry to get my license), SIN card, Alberta health cards for my youngest daughter & myself, credit cards, etc. ALL GONE. So yesterday I spent the day getting all of it replaced. I’ll get my passport replaced next week, my license too. And it will be a bitch. Thanks to some of my rad Twitter peeps, I learned that this is common & has happened to many people, so I don’t feel completely stupid.

I was angry; at the security guards ambivalence, at the crackhead who stole it, I mean, I hope my $200 in Olive Garden gift cards & $8 in cash was worth it. Oh, and JOKE IS ON YOU, MY CREDIT IS AWFUL. GOOD LUCK FRAUDING ME. But, I realized it’s just not worth being angry over. I could feel violated, victimized, but that’s not who I am. I choose to be patient & kind & not get angry over shit that I can’t control. That’s who I used to be. Current MHC chooses to focus on positives. I’m sure you’re thinking “like what?” Well, I needed to renew my passport anyway. I just did it early. And honestly, if someone is so desperate as to rob me, then clearly they need help. Maybe getting arrested will get if for them. But I’m never getting my purse back. It’s not worth getting bitter about. There is nothing in life worth sacrificing the best of who I am. In 60 years when I’m an old woman, will this incident matter? Probably not. So, I will learn from it & become smarter.

And also, I got a super cute new bag. So win.

When you feel victimized, you’re giving the bad people power over you. I won’t allow anyone to have power over me but me. I control my happiness & my destiny & I refuse to let any bad thing or bad person take away the best of me. I want to be a nice person who is loving, forgiving & kind. No crackhead needing a fix will take that from me. I’ll just continue to be nice & kick ass at life. So there.

So, to the asshole that stole my purse. I hope my $8 and Olive Garden gift cards was worth it. I hope you enjoy my Coach bag. It’s kind of old and I was hoping to replace it. But you have to live with your actions; I do not. Enjoy your guilt, as I will let you keep that, along with my things. If you cannot live with it, then I hope you turn yourself in & accept the consequences of what you have done.

Until then, I’ll just get my stuff back & kick ass at everything, because that’s what MHC does best.

Lost In Translation

December 21, 2015December 26, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Current Events, Dear Blank, Just Fun, Life, My New Life As Me

It’s that time again, where we all celebrate the holidays & look back on our year!

2015 started out super crappy. I rang it in bawling my eyes out because I missed someone who reappeared in my life & vanished again. I quit blogging to heal. Then I lost my job & found out on Facebook. But then it got better. I focused on friends & crossfit. I went on an insane adventure in the pursuit of my dreams of becoming a writer & started freelancing again. I thought I’d be alone when I got here but instead I found the love of my life, well, he found me, I’d hate to take away from his achievement haha. I worked to be a kinder person. All in all a rad year & I am proud to say that I did it all on my terms, my way. As always, here is a photo essay (minus photos of my children) that sum up a year of my life.

Happy Holidays & all the best for 2016 from me to you. I hope it’s the raddest year yet.

Water Under The Bridge

December 15, 2015December 15, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I suppose I address the elephant in the room of my life. Well, elephants in the room.

1. I got offered a legit writing job if I’m willing to relocate to a rural town with a population of 5300.

2. I turned it down because I’m afraid to learn to drive.

The truth is that I want to write very much. I want to work in my field. But I’m not sure that I’m willing to move my family (again) to do it. This was a big risk & we’re only a little under six months in. I need to give the girls stability. I’m just starting to feel comfortable here. I’m finally making friends, my relationship is wonderful. The girls are happy here & I feel like I need to be in a major city with an airport to make it easier for the dad to visit. After a long talk with my friend Heather, I realized that this is not something I can do right now.

I said I was going to cry melodramatic tears, but I didn’t. I was pissed, but not gutted. I’m working on a magazine article that I’m really excited about. I pitched the whole thing & I devoted every free second to getting it right. I honestly love magazine writing far more than I enjoy newspapers. I don’t know if I could be happy at a newspaper, as so much of my work is with magazines. Maybe that’s where I belong, and the genres are so different.

I came out here to focus on becoming a full time writer, but in the last six months, my focus has shifted slightly to improving my personal life, which wasn’t how it was supposed to go, but is not a bad thing at all. I’ve committed myself to being a better parent & person & providing financial stability to the girls. I’ve built a solid relationship with someone I love beyond reason who makes me so happy & I just want to make happy in return. Even though my family has been at the forefront, my portfolio is still growing, however, my focus has been on making my life work more than my career. Maybe that’s what I need to do right now.

My oldest daughter snapped when she heard me talking on the phone about it, said we need to stay here & I need to marry my boyfriend & keep life as it is. She’s right that I do need to stay here, the rest we can figure out as we go. I need to focus on improving my body of work & actually buying a car, to improve my employability. But the thought of driving paralyzes me. I’m afraid of being in a thing that can kill you where I’m responsible for the lives of my children whilst sharing the road with lunatics. But it’s holding me back from my dream job. However, I don’t know how to shake that fear. Therapists couldn’t. My friends telling me to “suck it up,” didn’t help. I really dunno what to do. I guess that’s something I need to work on.

But I guess the big change is that I used to want any journalism job. Any one would do & I’d cross the planet to find it. Now, I want to show my girls that you keep working, but also be smart. They have their lives to think about too. Take the steps to build your dream & go for it. For me, it’s keep improving as a writer & learn to drive a damn car & maybe some empathy about my fear of driving the damn car. If I took a job at a small town paper, I wouldn’t be happy. The girls would miss their friends & school. I’d miss my love (although if I was offered a job at a major magazine in a larger city, I would take it & we’d have to figure out the distance and he loves me enough to support me). I’ve become more & more jaded about news reporting thanks to the election coverage. I prefer to write for magazines, as those stories have more heart. I can take heart in the fact that I am talented enough to be offered those jobs, but smart enough to know they aren’t right for me & my portfolio.

In the interim, I can be proud of my latest article. I worked hard & I think it’s really good. And I have my blog, and people like it. I do appreciate your emails & comments, telling me that I just explained how your mind works or whatever. It’s neat. Maybe, as long as I have an audience & an outlet, I’ll be happy. And maybe sleep, as late night writing is never very good for you.

Focus

November 19, 2015November 19, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

When I went home to visit, I swore that I wouldn’t want to come back.

After all, I had been so incredibly homesick that I was sure I’d be so happy to be home that I would start plotting my return. But, by day three, I missed my littles & my love & even my cat. I texted my boss saying I was excited to come back to work. I was working on an article. I was ready to go back to “real life,” while also trying to stuff my best friend in a suitcase.

It definitely wasn’t because I wasn’t having fun. I was having a blast! My friends & I had the best time. There were drinks (including my boyfriend buying me a drink from two time zones away, because he’s adorable), Cards Against Humanity, bad movies & great conversation. But, with the exception of my old gym, where I felt right back at home, I realized that life moves on when you do & my place is in Cow Province.

My best friend is planning her own cross country venture. My other girlfriend is running a business with her husband. Everyone has their lives now & we’re settling into them. And me? My life is here, with my littles & my writing & (at the risk of scaring myself back into my groundhog hole & him away) my love. I’m stealing his words to explain how I feel about my life, I hope I don’t get sued for plagiarism. One night, I asked him to find more time for me, then promptly apologized because I am me & he is busy & works so hard. I told him I didn’t want him to take away from his actual life for me, to which he told me that his daughter & I are his “actual life,” and as long as he has us, that’s what matters. Visiting is fun, but I want to live my actual life with my daughters & my writing & with him because that’s the life that matters.

I like my job. I make good money & my team is super rad. The Federal Election jaded me on my profession quite a bit, with their political bias, so I could be content freelancing for magazines while I work full time…for now. I still apply, but I could be content having the best of both worlds like Hannah Montana did back in the day. My girls are such awesome tiny people & I feel like I’m setting a good example. It’s not perfect, but it is my actual life & it’s pretty rad.

But the best part of being home was talking to my friends about their lives. My best friend is so excited about her potential opportunity. She’d have a new position & better earning potential & she’d be really happy. My other close girlfriend & her husband are so deeply in love & it’s so awesome. My other girlfriend is helping her family find a new office for her family law firm. My former coworker & his girlfriend just bought a house together. My old coaches are thriving in their personal and professional lives. I believe the best part of life is watching others succeed & seeing so many of my friends thriving in their lives warms my heart. Keep on kicking ass my dearest friends, even if I didn’t get to see you. I love that you’re all living life & killing it. I loved catching up with all of you.

And for me, it was a nice break from the stress of balancing motherhood, working two jobs, a personal life & sanity. My kids were safely in the care of the person that I trust most in this world. I got to enjoy much needed grownup time with all of my most favourite people. But when it was over, it was nice to cuddle up with the person I love most in the world & prattle away about my vacay (while half asleep) as we drove home…

…back to my awesomely awesome “actual life.”