dating – Page 8 – The Misadventures of MHC

This Is How We Roll

June 5, 2014June 5, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Because I don’t have time to meet people in the city (or ever), I have an online dating account.

I’ve had it for about six months now and I’m not going to lie; I never log into it except to reply to messages. My friend & I actually compete to see who can issue the funniest comeback to the biggest creeper. The fact that some of these guys think that these are the best first impressions crack me up. I’m sure if I talked to someone who seemed cool, I might change my mind, but I’ve learned that “Plenty of Fish” really means “Bottom of the Barrel.”

I have learned what I already knew, which was that the online thing likely doesn’t work for me, but it does provide me with countless minutes of entertainment, as well as my FB friends, as I often screencap the best ones and post them on my account. So, for your entertainment, I shall post some of the best ones, so you may also ask why any of these men thought these lines were a good idea.

Begin Again

May 23, 2014May 23, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I’ve been told when it comes to dating, I’m just too damn picky.

I think I reserve the right to be picky. I’ve dated Newspapers, Mr. Emotionally Stunted, guys who are completely incapable of love because they’re emotionally crippled, narcissists, physically abusive morons, cheaters, etc. My track record effing sucks. Part of that is because I chose poorly. I didn’t see my own value. I allowed people to walk all over me because I didn’t think I deserved any better. But, now, I look differently. I want someone who will help me evolve as a person, compliment my life, all those cliches.

The picky comment came from a friend after I told a guy I didn’t want to see him anymore when I found out he didn’t have a job. The Gleason Table & my new coworkers agreed that this is a deal breaker. I don’t see that as picky, I see it as smart. “I thought you were an independent woman,” the guy snarked when I told him. I am. I live in a house I pay for. I pay my bills. I support my children completely on my own, as I have not received a child support payment in 22 months (although his wages are finally being garnisheed). Everything I own I have purchased with my money from my jobs. While I currently only have one, at one point I was working two jobs & attending school full time. Why? Because I support myself. I don’t need another person to support, so employability is kind of a must.

Late last year, I made the list of the seven rules to dating MHC. It’s important to me to maintain high standards so that I meet the right person & it works. That doesn’t mean I won’t compromise on little things. For example, I don’t really want to date a man that smokes (ironically enough, every man I ever dated, even casually, has smoked), but I will compromise. But I won’t compromise on unemployment. I just wonder why are you wasting your day pursuing a woman, you should be finding a job! I’m really glad I took time away from dating, as it helped me understand how to make good dating choices. After all, whom I choose will be around my daughters (after one year) & they will base their romantic choices around mine. Too often, people rush from one partner to the next because being alone deafens them. They fear the being alone, the lack of intimacy, the idea that it will never end & you’ll always be alone with your thoughts & self doubt. That’s why all of those relationships fail; because they’re making choices out of loneliness, not because they really care for the person. I wondered if that’s why I kept making bad choices. All of the men I choose are the same; broken birds. Perhaps my lonely, sad & jaded year helped me. It helped me discover that, in the words of WWE Superstar (& my husband in my imagination) Seth Rollins, we are the authors, the finishers of our fate. The reason I was unlucky in love is because I was making bad choices, forgiving men & accepting their mistreatment & taking them back without expecting them to make changes. I was just blindly giving. Well, insanity is defined as doing the same thing & expecting different results. I can’t keep doing the same things. I can’t keep overlooking things I shouldn’t. I can’t be a doormat. I can’t keep losing my identity in a relationship. I need to be able to be me, just with someone. I needed to learn that I wasn’t in the right place to be a partner. I needed to grow up, stop letting others define my happiness, define my own happiness & stop letting love be the excuse for why people treated me like crap, because if they did love me, they wouldn’t treat me like crap!

The old MHC would have looked past the joblessness, and his excuse that it wasn’t his fault, the manager was an ass & wanted to help. The new MHC saw the lack of ownership & knew it’s a red flag & walked, knowing she deserves better. Maybe I am a little bit picky, but that’s only because I need to be. If I don’t think I deserve the best possible partner that compliments me & will be a good male role model for my girls, then who will? My friends? It’s nice that they want what’s good for me, but it’s not up to them to build me up. That’s on me. My family? See above. I have to want what’s right for me, & not push down the doubts because I’m too blinded by love to see that I’m being torn apart piece by piece & becoming a simpering, weak, baby. Maybe that makes me too picky, or frigid, or I’ll die alone. But I’d rather die alone with my kids & my cats & blissfully happy with my life, my writing & my fitness than miserably in love with someone who either a) mistreats me or b) just doesn’t work, or in this case, literally doesn’t work.

Closing Time

April 26, 2014April 26, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television, When Things Suck Hard

Normally, my song title blog post titles are just as random as what I’m listening to at the time. Today is different. I deliberately sought out this song for one line, which sums up this post nicely;

Much like every part of life, this Windsor chapter has been about beginnings & endings. I started over after my first attempt to get a post secondary diploma didn’t go according to plan. I succeeded, graduated & became a writer. I welcomed my youngest daughter & watched her grow into a bright & happy young girl. I obtained a second post secondary diploma when my dearest hippie friend called me & suggested we both needed a change. I started a retail, johnny punch-clock job (even though I swore I’d rather be shot) to support my family & found that it wasn’t so bad. I made great friends & found I was pretty darned awesome @ this real people job thing. I fell out of love with my husband & closed the door on my marriage. I fell in love with a man & had my heart broken. I kept longing for a person who couldn’t or wouldn’t ever love me back. From that experience, I became closed & guarded, terrified to let anyone in again, even my closest friends. I was alienating anyone near me for fear of getting hurt by another person, but I’m slowly stepping out of that shell, taking Gigi’s advice to go out & live again, spend time with friends & even go to some “meetings” (first dates) & be the beautiful, strong & vibrant woman I was meant to be (she’s a wise woman, that Gigi. Meghie also suggested to pick the opposite of what I usually would, but Meghie doesn’t mince words). Truthfully, I haven’t been happy with my Windsor life for years. I often mentioned to Drew that I wanted to get as far away as I could, but there was always one thing that appeared & made me stay & I kept romanticizing this life. Much like “How I Met Your Mother’s” Ted Mosby ignored his incompatibility with former love Robin, overlooking her faults even in the closing moments of the series, I chose to ignore my unhappiness. I pretended not to notice how I let friends dictate everything, including the colour of my living room, while borrowing money & dragging me down with their negativity & chose to ignore that the continued attempts to take over my life were making me passive aggressive & bitchy. I also didn’t notice my own dragging down a good friend, allowing my broken heart & fear of starting over without his guidance & the person I truly believed was the love of my life with me to choke the life out of one of the best friendships I’ve ever had. I ignored my professional dissatisfaction at the magazine, because I was living my dream so I had to suck it up. I ignored that I didn’t care for my neighbourhood & wanted more out of my life, I had been so happy in that life that I was afraid to let it go, even when it was gone. I wanted to go back to that life, with those friends (even though they weren’t perfect, they were my life mates), with that man (even though I knew he’d always hurt me), with that little girl & my own girls, that I couldn’t see that old life wasn’t where I belonged, all I felt was the pain because it didn’t exist anymore. I needed to let go of the life I wanted, the one I’ll never have, to get the life I truly deserve. Much like when Ted finally let go of Robin, he found true love with the titular mother (I’m not acknowledging the last five minutes of the show because I’m trying to make a point), one random September day, I decided to let it all go & just leave town & start over. I got sidetracked by a person & their cruelty, which left me leaving them in a bar in tears, sobbing to the Gleason Table. But that helped me remember that I need to do what’s right for ME. So, I set a timetable, found a house, focused on my personal goals (including a 31lbs weight loss!) & I have been happy. But we all do this at some point; we hold onto nothing because what was once there was amazing, even when it wasn’t. Most of those friends were toxic, that house not the place you want to settle into forever. That man probably wasn’t the beautiful person you remember. Once you realize that (sometimes if you listen to Wide Awake by Katy Perry 100x times in a row, it’ll speed things up), it’s easy to cut that cord & move forward. But don’t feel badly if you struggled or if it took you longer to heal, because all humans heal on their own time. But you’ll get there. We all get there.

But today is the last day & one can’t help but be nostalgic on the last day. I will turn around tomorrow to look back at my empty home & face the flood of memories. I’ll take that instant to remember the birthday parties, the Christmas get together’s, the St. Patrick’s Day I made corned beef even though I didn’t like it. I’ll remember the night he asked me (indirectly) 15 different times to marry him, the cold night air against my face when he showed up late at night, held me in his arms, called me his salvation & said my smile healed his pain, and the night I leaned against my bedroom door & broke down sobbing for hours until I mercifully passed out on the floor because he walked away. I’ll remember MH & Drew’s grand adventures, the nights we were late for the movies because he got watching Maury, needing him to light my barbecue because I was afraid of it, shopping for an iMac, the great ostrich debate & any conversation that ended in “Right?!” I’ll remember blinking back tears as two of my babies started school, sidewalk chalk artwork & all of the times the pirate princess demanded to feed the “gooses” in the yard. I’ll remember school projects, silly songs & clean up days singing Taylor Swift into my mop while my children laughed. I’ll remember a little girl who ran to me & always embraced her little friend like they’d been separated by war every time they met. I’ll remember rushing home from my office to my home office to interview Penn Jillette, my happy tears when my musical hero Amanda Marshall said I was a good reporter & the two am revisions passing out on my computer because I know if I read it over ONE MORE TIME, this time it’ll be perfect. I’ll relive every emotion & then I’ll take a deep breath…& let it all go so I can make a new fresh start & make it a good one.

Why? Because every new beginning in comes from some other beginning’s end. This chapter of my life has come to an end & the London chapter is a blank page. It’ll be interesting. I’ll find another magazine & tell more interesting & exciting stories that I hope people will read & love. Maybe I’ll fall in love again & finally meet the great love of my life, but that’s not really a priority. Maybe I’ll keep moving towards the GTA & finally land that sweet job in a PR firm or a magazine. But whatever happens, it’s time to stop being afraid & see what happens next, because it may very well be everything I’ve ever wanted.

So, goodbye to this life & welcome new adventures. Let’s see what you have in store for me.

Day 10: My Biggest Fear

February 10, 2014February 9, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m afraid of lots of things.

I’m afraid that I’ll never fall in love again.

I’m afraid I’m not the best mom I can be.

I’m afraid I’ll never reach my fitness goals.

I’m afraid that I’ll never work in media again.

I’m claustrophobic, I’m afraid of mice & I’m not terribly fond of snakes. But my biggest fear is the most horrifying creature on Earth. The source of all terror. To demonstrate the most evil being alive, I shall post the photo that my friend Dawna made for me & posted on my Facebook.

Day Four: Parenting

February 4, 2014February 4, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Douchers, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

The actual topic is my relationship with my parents, but my father has long passed away & my relationship with my mother is both complex & interesting & very hard to explain. Also, my mother regularly reads my blog (waves to my mother), so I’d rather not say anything good or bad, as I’d just rather not.

However, my relationship with my children is different. It’s a source of pride for me. As their only stable caregiver (as their dad has his own issues and anger management problems & is more concerned with other things than being a dad, which is why he doesn’t pay child support or like schedules or routines or anything constructive), it’s important to me to be the role model. I went through a period last year when I wasn’t the role model, so now it’s even more important to me to be the role model. I need to go to work every day & not miss a single day. I need to work hard. I need to think of my career & how continuing to work at building a portfolio helps me show them to work towards their goals. I have to be careful who I date, as that person will the be the person they build their standards around. This is something that comes up a lot with my tween and her penchant for liking bad boys on TV. She says love will fix them, sadly, it doesn’t.

Maybe I take this too seriously, but I feel like it’s my job to teach them the right way. It’s my job to teach them how to become strong young women & I need to live that example. So, each day I need to model myself as the type of woman I want them to grow up to be. That means live healthy, be healthy. Focus on being emotionally strong & confident in myself & that I’m setting the right example. This is important to me. This is my job as a mother.

Fortunately, I’ve been lucky to have been given three smart, beautiful & compassionate girls to raise. They care about others, they’re helpful & kind. They all get good grades in school & are talented musicians & love to read. They’re all growing into young women & I want them to become strong & proud women who reach for the stars, focus on their goals & know they can do everything. Society will try to pigeon-hole them into vapid morons who have to be barefoot & pregnant while also maintaining a bikini bod & live to serve their husband. The media will make them think they should want a career & a husband while maligning both. Other women will teach them to tear down other women. That’s why I need to live the example I want to set for them. If I want them to feel they can have a career & don’t need a man to complete them, then that’s how I must feel. If I want them to respect their bodies, then I mustn’t go out & have one night stands or whatever (no disrespect to moms who do. Everyone’s thoughts are different). If I want them to choose a partner that will cherish & respect them, then this is the partner I must choose. I must walk my walk every day so my good, wonderful girls do not turn towards influences that will only tear them down. So, yes, maybe I take it too seriously, but that’s okay. I’d rather be “too focused” on being a role model than not at all & when my children are struggling, wonder where it went wrong, knowing they emulated my poor choices & the example I set for them.

Day Three: First Love

February 3, 2014February 3, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

Truthfully, I’ve only ever had one love; the written word.

I truthfully think I may die alone because I don’t think any man will truly understand how much I love what I do. I’ve never wanted to do anything else, I had no plan B. My half assed plan of law was a big fail because in the end, it’s all about my writing, my words. Men already take a backseat to my daughters, but that makes sense. I can’t see any man loving me enough to read every word I’ve written. I don’t think anyone will understand that I hate going days without writing something. I love this. I love my blog, I love that people read it. I love every word I’ve ever written. I would love a mate, but no man will ever take an interest in my work enough to get that this is my non-parenting everything.

I did have a person first love & that was my good friend The Gleason Table. We dated for maybe a minute (or a couple of months) & went to prom & have settled into a comfortable friendship. We talk about our families (he has a beautiful wife who compliments him in every way & two amazing kids), sports, life. He’s been an amazing support through every horrible & awesome thing that’s happened over the last fifteen or so years & I’m lucky to have him as a friend.

Maybe someday I’ll meet someone I love as much as writing, but I doubt it. This is my greatest passion, my heart’s desire & I know deep down, no man will ever understand enough to support my drive to be the greatest writer in the world, read my blog religiously, read my articles & take as much pride in my successes as I do. Maybe that’s why I’m so comfortable alone. I have my work. My words, my passion to make me feel whole.

Day One: 15 Random Facts

February 1, 2014February 3, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH General, Dorkdom, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Social Media

I try to do one of these every year, because I think writing about a particular subject each day helps me improve as a writer but helps people who read this crap get to know me as a person better & relate to my world a little more.

I could go through the introduction, but this seems much easier, so click here.

Next, some interesting facts about me. Sadly, nothing about me is terribly interesting so you’ll just have to settle for random facts.

1. In December, I bought Silver Linings Playbook to watch on a night off. I still have not done that. Maybe because I so rarely have nights off.

2. In addition to my Branta canadensis specific ornithophobia, I’m claustrophobic & I’m not terribly cool with mice either.

3. I’m way too amused by the doge meme & I visit the doge weather site all of the time. Much obsessed. Very laugh. So funny. Wow.

4. I’m so conscious of how my choices affect my daughters because I know how my mom’s choices affected me. I don’t want them to feel “screwed up” like I do.

5. I carry my Certificate of Divorce in my purse because I worked so hard to get it & spent a small fortune, so I’m pretty proud.

6. I keep a pair of shorts beside my bedside table so I’ll be motivated to exercise in the morning.

7. I just completed a 30 day squat challenge & I’m on day two of an abs & core challenge. 30 days of arms is next.

8. Trish Stratus is my idol & I would literally buy anything she endorses, except the Maple Leafs. I use her yoga DVD & Fit Gloves every day, bought New Balance shoes for running in the spring & if I ever interviewed her, it would be worse than when I fangirled over Amanda Marshall. Interviewing Trish Stratus would be the greatest day of my career.

9. All of life’s woes can be cured with pancakes or pancake type food, like crepes.

10. I once bought myself a diamond ring for my birthday. I was supposed to get engaged that day and when it all went to Hell, I went out & bought my own as some kind of empowerment thing. I have since misplaced said diamond ring in my house somewhere. Don’t all propose @ once guys.

11. I was recently barred from the Caesars Windsor gaming floor for the night because I didn’t have a second piece of photo ID. I’m in my thirties.

12. I cry @ the end of Monsters Inc. Every. Single. Time.

13. My entire love life can be summed up in the chorus of the song Endlessly by Green River Ordinance or All too Well by Taylor Swift. That makes me sad. It also makes me realize that I need to get out more, work less & like better music (except GRO, they are bomb).

14. I called the last guy I went on a date with a pretentious fop. I was most excited that I got to use the word fop in a sentence.

15. I’m designing my seventh tattoo. Okay I outsourced it. Someone else is designing my seventh tattoo. I’m excited either way.

There you have it kids, 15 amazeballs facts about MHC. Sorry they aren’t really that interesting. I’ll try to be cooler next year.

My Way

January 17, 2014January 17, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m on this big self help kick lately, so let’s keep it going, shall we?

I was out for dinner with a friend who said, at our age (early to kid thirties), any long term relationship may be our last shot at love so we kind of gotta hold onto them. I disagree. I think everyone has a chance to find their one, whether they’re 21, 33, or 102. I refuse to define my life by my age. I can understand feeling the fear if you’re getting closer to the big 3-0 or 3-5 & you’re not married, not even close, or whatever. But, I can’t look @ my life that way. I need to think positively so positivity follows suit. I refuse to allow negativity or fear to penetrate my state of mind. Maybe that’s why I disagree. Who knows?

But I do know one thing I’ve learned is that to attract the right mate you have to be the right mate. You need to hack out the negativity , negative influences & focus on making yourself the most desirable person you can be for you as well as a mate. After all, you’re stuck with you forever, people can leave. So, I’ve been focused on making myself the type of person I want to be so the right type of person will appear in my life. Makes sense, right?

This is why I’m so focused on health, fitness, etc. It’s not just to show my daughters the right way, it’s to evolve into a person I love so others can love me. It doesn’t matter how many times the man in my life says “you’re not fat,” I THINK I AM FAT. I can keep making excuses for being overweight or I can do something about it. For twelve years I’ve said this is the year I’m going to get back to my pre-pregnancy body, and every year I’ve made excuses. No mas. I’m working harder than I ever have & I’m using the Facebook group my friend Yogi created for accountability. I will succeed this time. Once I can look in the mirror & think I’m beautiful, more people will see it.

But true beauty is on the inside too. This is the other reason I’m focused; exercise makes me not crazy. No more panic attacks. No more hyper focused & annoying MHC. I’m much more chill. I’ve often said the man who chooses to put up with me & my general kookiness deserves a medal, well, I need to change that mindset. I should think a guy is privileged to be with me, just like I see him. I will never be the easiest person to love , but I’m making it easier. However, if I make it seem like it’s a horrible challenge, then I’m sabotaging my own romances before they start. I need to look @ myself as a dating jackpot, the living Tal Bachman song, not a simpering moron. By doing this, I’ll attract people who see me this way.

By making myself into the person I want to be, I’ll attract the person that’s right for me. Maybe it won’t be until I’m 102. But I don’t believe there is a time limit on love. If it’s right; it’s right & it may not come easy. You may have to try again or you may be alone for a long time while you enjoy a relationship with the only person you truly can count on; yourself. Either way, it’ll happen if you remain optimistic & create the life you want for yourself. Then you’ll find the person who compliments it, & you’ll be truly happy.

Don’t Want To Go Home

January 11, 2014February 3, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Strengthen the body, strengthen the mind.

This is my life in a nutshell. That’s not true; my life is parent, work, work out, sleep, repeat. But I’m focused on making my life better one day @ a time. It’s important to me to make my fresh start in my new city a successful one, so I’m focusing on all the areas of my life that need to change so I can build a better life for myself & my daughters.

I take a lot of flack & I see your subtweets where you call me annoying & I read the “you’re a prude” texts but I’m very focused on being a role model for my daughters. They see what I do & emulate. It’s why I’m focusing on keeping my house clean, because if they see slovenly Mama, they’ll do it. If I don’t promote healthy living, they won’t do it. If I act like casual sex is cool & I need to “get mine,” they won’t see their bodies as temples. Children see & how I treat others, how I date, all of this is what they will learn. Kids are watching even when you think they aren’t & I’m determined to teach them kindness, empathy, wellness, self love. A womanizer dad teaches his daughter she is an object. An abusive man teaches his daughters it’s right for men to hit women. A doormat mama teaches her daughters that she has no value. This applies in reverse. I consider how all my choices affect my girls. It’s why I struggle with this dating thing, because I need to know by the end of date one if I’d want you to be part of their lives someday. The answer is always no. So, dating is going to continue to take a backseat. Besides, why enter a relationship that I’ll end in four months? That’s stupid.

I can’t just keep focusing on strengthening the body, although it does wonders for anxiety levels…and my butt. I need to start living smarter. I need to show my girls how to live smarter, interact smarter. That includes being less of a doormat. Part of this is dating smarter, which is why I bought THIS.

Yes, cue the laughter but every man I’ve ever loved is a toxic man. I always knew this & thought loving them would make it okay. The silent treatment would stop because if I loved him & accepted it, he’d finally learn to communicate. The violence would stop because if I loved him, he’d quell his rage & go get help. If I loved him, he’d stop running & coming back because he’d make up his damn mind & stop keeping me on the hook. For months I held on to all of this self defeat, because none of these men saw my love as good enough. Then one day I realized that they don’t love anyone; themselves, their children, me, enough to look @ how they sabotage their lives, make messes, fall into patterns of self loathing, serial womanizing, & generally crushing the world around them. I loved them the best I could, but they’re toxic; they need to fix it, not me. It’s not about me; I can’t make someone stop hurtful behaviour with love. If they did love me, they would be here. If they loved themselves & their children, they’d work @ stuff. They’d have made the doctor’s appointments & gotten the counselling. They’d have told me what was bothering them when it was a minor issue & not shut me out for weeks until it was a huge, made up issue & ran. They wouldn’t have manipulated me for months after the relationships ended & watched me cry, whether it was from the window across the street or from my blog. That’s not love; it’s control.

I can’t show my daughters that it’s okay for men to mow them down & destroy them. My job is to show them the right way. My job is to teach them to love themselves first & foremost & the rest comes as it should. So, I need to stop choosing men that cannot love themselves, because they cannot love me. Right now, I cannot love a man because for over a year, I’ve hated myself. I hated myself because I blamed myself for the actions of others. He left me because he’s perfect & I’m a terrible girlfriend. That friend is mean because I’m a bad friend. So I gave more & more to others & left nothing for me. That’s not a good example for my girls @ all! So, I’m dedicating myself to loving who I am so I can love someone else someday. But when you continuously hurt people that love you, over & over again. When you cut out people who care about you; friend or lover & it’s over a minor, easily fixed issue, or something made up, you need to ask yourself…what’s wrong with you, not them. I had to ask myself what was wrong with me, what poor choices do i make in my relationships with men & friends. I chose toxic men & friends & felt depressed when they’d hurt me because I never got angry. I never told people when they made me angry because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings (or risk them leaving me). I never stood up for myself so I invited cruelty & hurtful behaviour in. I never said “You need to talk to me about stuff because I’m sick of this crap. I love you, but I’m doing all of the work. Talk to me. Try a little. Stop setting every relationship up for failure & hiding everything until you panic. Trust me,” because they’d leave me. I never said “you know what? I find you are a non-supportive friend & your continuous mocking of my makeup, hair & weight makes me feel insecure.” I never said “if you don’t like being in the middle, don’t put yourself there. Tell him to talk to me & give him my number & butt the eff out. You’re always in the middle because you cross boundaries & revel in the drama you create. Then you play victim to all of the guys because you can’t keep girlfriends but it’s because you Stab them in the back, meddle in their affairs, talk poorly about everyone you know & I don’t know why I keep trying to be your friend, but I do because I think you’re a good person underneath & I care & I want the friendship we used to have.” But I never did that because people would get mad & I feared anger. I continued to cultivate relationships with people who are toxic because I loved them & didn’t want to lose them, but it didn’t discuss things or work on anything. I just blamed myself. It had to be my fault; & it was because I set the standard that this is okay. I accepted responsibility for their actions instead of accountability for mine (like yes, I let my triple broken heart seep into the rest of my life, making it almost impossible up breathe or allowing the silent treatment to send my insecurities & anxieties through the roof, making me insufferable. I couldn’t handle pain, I fixated on minor things. I allowed sadness to take over my life. I needed to work on the things I do that drive people crazy, like the insecurities & low self esteem. Those are things I was doing wrong & I accept that). But that’s toxic too. Believing that love will fix someone’s demons is toxic. Letting people step on you & then languishing feeling like a victim even though I never stood up for myself is toxic. Victimizing myself is toxic. So, I won’t be a victim. I’ll stand up for myself & if friendships, relationships die, well, I’ll remember the amazing memories & wish you well in your life & move forward in my journey. Now, I’m cool with getting angry. I’m not going to coddle & worship anyone again. I’ll still love like I do & give like I do, but I’m not going to gloss over flaws or tell you jerky behaviour is okay. It’s all about living smarter, by learning how to identify what I do not want in a person & how to avoid making the same mistakes over again.

Do What You Want

January 2, 2014February 3, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

I wanted to kick off 2014 with a big announcement, so here goes;

I’m really freaking happy.

I feel the need to stress that there is nothing new or exciting about my life. Yes, I have a date with someone I’m really attracted to, but we all know what happens on my first dates hahaha. I do not have a new media gig, I do not have a house (but my trip at the end of the month should fix that). There is nothing new or different about my life. I’m happy because I choose to be.

Last July, when the Texan & I started the ASH Life, a multi authoured parenting blog, I had reached a really confusing point in my life. I had cut ties with people I saw as my best friends, but I didn’t miss them & felt like I should (I do miss one of them now, and hope they like their life & maybe someday we’ll apologize for being douchers & trash talk movies & be life mates again) & I was in the midst of dealing with a lump in my breast & other health issues & I wasn’t terribly happy. So, I started aggressively writing out my feelings & I felt better. When I was done & I got good news about the lump, I decided that I was going to make myself happy. The reason I wasn’t happy was because I wanted others to do what I did for them. I was tasking them with making me happy. It worked, but what one giveth, one taketh away. They would take my joy away & watch me crumble on the sidelines & feel powerful. So, I chose to make myself powerful.

I stopped blaming myself for why people are douchebags. I stopped trying to reconcile friendships or maintain them with toxic people. They would get in the middle of my interpersonal relationships or force their opinions on me & then get angry @ me for being in the middle or because I would fall to pieces because they dangled things in front like a carrot. They toyed with my emotions or were dishonest & those are their actions. I didn’t make you do it; you chose to. I slip up sometimes, but I had to stop internalizing the actions of others & feeling like I make people do bad things. People do bad things because they suck & I allow it. So, I stopped allowing. I stopped rationalizing people’s behaviour away & focused on my own. How am I treating people? Am I walking my walk? Am I the role model I want to be for my daughters? The answer was no. I was becoming a needy sad sack dependant on others for survival & draining, so I needed to check myself.

To check myself I focused on what I needed to do to be happy. People laughed @ my choice not to date, but I’m so glad I did it because I got to know myself. If I wanted to feel pretty, I had to tell myself I was pretty. When I was sick, I had to take care of myself. When I was sad, I had to cheer myself. I had to depend on myself, and the more I did it, the more I learned to like myself. I can’t expect someone to love me if I hate myself. This is what everyone does; we hope the love of another person will heal our past pain or fill the void of that rejection or mask that we hate ourselves & we destroy those who love us the most. I refuse to join that cycle so I went into my shell. But by going into the shell, I realized I was in a relationship. I was with myself & I need to cultivate that one.

I took care of myself & found joy in everything from my daughters to a great Christina Aguilera song (hail Queen Xtina). I stopped accepting responsibility for other’s actions and focused on accountability for my own. And one day, I realized I was truly happy. I said this on this blog once before, but the difference is that no man or beast has made me happy. I’ve chosen to make myself happy every day. Even if the day sucks, I’ll find something and no one can take this sunshine away, because I made it myself.

I hope each and every person reading this right now finds their own happiness. I stress your own, because even if you’re partnered or not, a parent or you have a cat , it’s YOUR job to bring yourself joy. Revel in that job. It’s the best one you’ll have.

Happy new year.