Tag: blended family

The Ocean Grew Hands to Hold Me

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships, When Things Suck Hard, work life

Guess what guys?! I’m getting married in SIXTEEN DAYS!

There’s so many emotions; excitement to see my friends, happiness that I am finally living the life I prayed for when I was 19, concern that every detail will be perfect…

Oh yeah, AND THE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF DREAD!

Don’t worry everyone, I googled it and according to a bunch of wedding websites that both amused and terrified me; THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL! Apparently pre-wedding jitters are totally a thing and I will definitely not try to run away from this wedding (also my fiance has already promised to hide the car keys just in case). It’s weird how the concept of marriage was so abstract and far away, but now that it’s here, it’s kind of terrifying.

The truth is that there’s nothing to be afraid of really. We already live together. We have blended a family and aside from a few hiccups involving a sick cat, the dog eating my glasses, and some growing pains, it’s gone well. I absolutely adore my new stepkids and I’m so impressed by their maturity and patience while my beloved squad of chaos goblins take over their home and lives. We are very different families, but it somehow works. I’m still adjusting to what it means to live with someone. I’m a bit of a control freak and I like things a certain way. My fiancé is kind enough to acquiesce to some of my quirks and demands so that I feel comfortable, and lets me rant about my feelings and need to feel independent without offering advice or suggestions. He’s just a calming presence. I’m not afraid of our life; in fact I rather enjoy it. It’s the fear of this life blowing up that brings about the dread. For my entire teenage and adult life, my fiancé has been my best friend. If this implodes, then I lose my best friend and that terrifies me.

Rational me realizes that is insane. We have navigated so many hurdles to be together; impulsive youth, bad timing, more bad timing, the crazy ex girlfriend incident where he was terrorized by a monster who forced her way into his home and abused him for three years. Then the same crazy ex girlfriend stalking him for years after destroying our home when he finally had to force her out with police. We faced the fear of crossing that line and built a new chapter of our relationship while travelling back and forth across the country. We build a foundation for twenty five years before we crossed that line. Again, WE LIVE TOGETHER. Everything is fine. But yet, in the middle of the night, I worry, what if it all goes to Hell. Of course it doesn’t help that I accepted a new position so I’m navigating a new role in a new city, trying to figure out how to thrive while still navigating my new normal. I’m learning to live with someone, joint finances, how to be a good stepmom, how to be a good mom when I’m out of the house so much more than I used to be, how to be a dog mom, or where the grocery store is. Add in wedding planning, the sick cat, and the dog who ate my glasses, and I’m overwhelmed and possibly overstimulated.

I think I’ve been in fight or flight mode for so long that I don’t know how to just enjoy my life. I’ve waited so long to be truly happy that now I’m not sure what happens next, like those fish in Finding Nemo. Does anyone else feel happy and then wonder when the other shoe is going to drop and then it’ll all be gone, or is that just me? Are these normal feelings to feel sixteen days out from your wedding? Or are these normal feelings from being sleep deprived, still adjusting to a new job, timezone, and town and also getting married in sixteen days?

I’ve realized that I definitely took on more than I can handle over the last three months. This has also made me a bit crazy. This means obsessing about every little issue while my fiancé wishes I was actually normal. He’s definitely glad the wedding will be over in 16 days. But I can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. The universe put all of this on me because it knows I can handle all of the crazy changes that have been happening and life will be peaceful once again.

Or it’ll all go to Hell. Either way, it’s all gonna happen regardless so all of the worrying and panicking won’t change a damn thing so I may as well buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

New Lows

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

The last few months have been such a whirlwind, and it’s felt like it just never stops.

Nothing is as it was three months ago. My job is different, my address, my home, my car, etc. Nothing is the same. But every time I think I can finally adjust, something new gets thrown into the mix. Something like my cat going missing.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m absolutely obsessed with my cats. I love my cats more than I love most people. If you are reading this, there is a non zero percent chance that I love my cats more than I love you. Truthfully, unless you are one of my kids, my stepkids, my best friend, or my fiancé, there is 100% chance I love my cats more than I love you. So when Tacocat was lost, I LOST MY MIND. I cried every day. I pleaded with neighbours on every Facebook group, and searched every second. My sweet angel fiancé offered a massive cash reward for the safe return of my beloved Tacocat. Even my father in law, who’s not a cat person, helped me look for my beloved Tacocat…and then the little shit just came home like nothing happened! I have never been happier to see anything in my life! My teenager suggested we put AirTags on the cats, and we actually did. So now I know where they are at all times and I feel so much better.

After what seemed like the zillionth crisis in the last three months, I sat on the big comfy couch in my living room watching the rain through the big windows in my living room. I was just enjoying the elements and I finally got to appreciate that I was sitting in MY house, in MY living room, on MY couch. One thing I’ve struggled with is accepting that this is my home. This was my fiancé’s house long before I moved in, and I struggle with imposter syndrome. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life; like when a show recasts the lead with someone else. Sure you accept that recast, but there’s always that part of you that longs for the OG.

One of my struggles to adjust was the idea that I’m a never ending guest in my life. I would get inside my own head and wonder if I deserve this, or did I steal it from someone else? I’m just a weird person who talks a lot, is kind of annoying, and talks to her beloved cats like they’re people. How did I end up in a lake house with a really neat car (with profiles like an Xbox), a blended family, and a man who worships me and makes me feel safe and loved in everything that he does. But there’s a part of me that struggles to get comfortable, wondering if there’s actually supposed to be some other woman laying in my bed watching Drink Masters and enjoying the night air. Should some other women be wearing my ring and driving my car? Am I a stunt double in my own life?

Just in case you forgot how amazing the ring is lmao

It’s really hard to address those feelings when it feels like if it’s not one thing, it’s another fucking thing. It’s my car being delayed, or scrambling to find a job, or my cat being lost. You’re always trying to put out the fire, and you don’t get to navigate your own emotions. That’s been where I’ve been at. I’m not really sure how I feel because I’m not really getting a chance to live, just sort of exist.

But now things are settling down. Tacocat is back and received a clean bill of health from her vet. The kids are going back to school, and I was offered a promotion at my new job. My wedding is under 50 days away, I’m registering at a new gym, and my fiancé and I are finally getting some much needed alone time next week. Life is quieter and it allows me to appreciate that I have the life I have prayed for since I was 19. Three years ago I was so depressed I could barely breathe, and now I have almost everything I could ever ask for. It’s so strange how everything feels hopeless and then one day everything is magical. Maybe one day I’ll actually be able to embrace it and not wonder when the ground will be ripped out from under me.

Thoughts? Feedback? Just want to share ideas or chat? Send me an email or contact me on social media!

Where the Wild Things Are

by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Hello from my new home!

After a crazy 30 days of packing, cleaning, and saying goodbye to all of my best friends, I got on a plane with my fiancé, kids, and cats, and flew back to Ontario. We even managed to squeeze in one last trip to Rogers Place to see my beloved Oilers before our Stanley Cup hopes and dreams were dashed.

I’d love to tell you that everything went smoothly and I’m now safely tucked away in my new town and all is well.

LOL I actually had a nervous breakdown.

Kudos to my fiancé and one of my best friends, who had to lead me out of my old house and to the airport with my kids in the backseat and my cats on their laps while I sobbed that the house cleaner didn’t mop the floors and I just wanted to mop my floors and sit in my house for just a few minutes more. I know it was just a rental. But it was my home and I truly wanted to stay there forever. Instead I had to vacate my job and move across the country while my life was completely out of my control. After we arrived at home, I bawled uncontrollably until I finally fell asleep to the sound of my fiancé promising me that our lives together would be magical. The loss of my home and job ruined me in ways no one can imagine. My life is so uncertain. I’m job hunting but I don’t have a position yet. I don’t know when I’ll be getting my things. I don’t know anyone yet and I’m worried about pulling my own weight. I don’t want my partner to have to pay all of our bills. I haven’t figured out how to transfer my mom to a long term care facility in Ontario. Things are uncertain. I don’t like not being in control and nothing is really in my control. So I help out around the house and wait for my car to arrive.

Also I found a kick ass new salon. They aren’t Icon Downtown Edmonton, but they’re really great

But I guess this has been a good lesson for me to learn to surrender control and really allow someone to support me. Even though I’m getting married in the fall, I struggled with letting my partner help and support me. I like doing everything on my own and I hate relying on a man for everything. Now I’m basically as emotionally fragile as a baby bird and the idea of making a decision of any kind sends me into a panic attack, which means my partner has to pick up the slack. He booked the flights, arranged for my car to be shipped to our new hometown, spoke with my former landlords (who again, are wonderful. This situation has been extremely traumatic and heartbreaking, but I am not here for any negativity towards them), and helping us feel comfortable. He had to step up for me while I have been useless. I cry, try to adjust to my new time zone, hunt for jobs, and sleep. Meanwhile he works, assembles furniture, makes dinner, and comforts me while I try to pick up the pieces of my life and figure out how to feel like a member of the family and not a helpless damsel in distress.

I’ve always tried to make sure my life isn’t just a highlight reel and this is no different. I’m not having a good time. I truly loved Edmonton, my home, and my job. I’ve always defined myself by my job, my work ethic and now I don’t have that. I want to contribute to my household and pay bills and have a purpose. I feel very lost and unsure of what to do next. But all is not lost. I have a lot to be grateful for. I live in a beautiful home in a lovely community. I am fortunate that he can support us until I can find work. I have friends in Ontario I’m looking forward to connecting with. I get to go for walks and join a gym and live a healthier lifestyle. My front yard is a beach. There are worse places to land when your life falls apart than a lake house where your partner makes you breakfast in bed and dotes on you while you regain your sanity. So, while things feel broken, eventually I’ll wake up and not feel like I’m two hours behind, and like I’m exactly where I need to be.