Dying To Live Again

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships

I think I’ve discovered the key to getting through life:

Admitting that you have no idea what you are doing.

I know a great many things about a great many subjects, but when it comes to life, parenting or love, I have no idea what  I am doing.

Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I am more confident than I am about my own name about the outcome of the latest mess my own stupidity has gotten me into but in the end, I am generally learning lessons by fire and hoping that I get it right in the end. Lately, I have realized that my stupidity tends to cost me some of the best things in my life. I make mistakes and generally ruin everything good that comes into my life and I’m left trying to figure out how to fix it so I don’t mess it all up again. I guess that’s why I know that I never know what I’m doing.

I saw this on Twitter today and I can’t help but think it rings true for all of us:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by two reasons. 1. We act without thinking. 2. We keep thinking without acting.”

I am a notorious over thinker. 85% of my “issues” are imagined and the other 15% are overanalyzed. I know many people who do this, invent problems in their mind and over think them and then commit a rash action. Then, they are left with the consequences of said action and instead of simply fixing it, they think about how to fix it. They take back doors to fix it or they leave it unfixed and end up miserable.

Which is why I have decided that the key to life is the admission that we never really know what we’re doing. There’s no instruction booklet or helpful allen key. We’re simply bound by the choices we make or do not make and in the end, we can benefit or cost ourselves everything. If I had any clue as to what I was doing when it came to life, I would be a much happier MHC. Why? Because I would know how to say the right words, find the right openings and generally make things happen. I can do this in my professional life like you wouldn’t believe. I use my journalist magic and poof! Interviews happen and I’m the proudest little editor in chief in the world! But when it comes to making the right parenting choices every time, understanding my friends or loved ones or saying the right thing to ease the minds of those around me who are scared or confused and I will mess it all up like you wouldn’t believe!

But that’s what we do in life; we mess it all up. We hurt the people we love most in the world or who love us most because we over-think the problems. We hide instead of take that brave first step to right the wrongs, or worse, we take some back road, third party way so that someone else will do most of the legwork to get in and fix it for us (I hate this method, but have been known to use it if there is simply no other solution).

So, why not just admit none of us have a freaking clue what’s going on in our minds at any given time? We’re all confused little bunnies, known to ruin good things by overanalyzing or inventing problems, that we’re afraid to tell those we love how we feel for fear of causing a problem when chances are the problem comes from inaction and that we would rather analyze the mess to death than simply fix it, or we rely on historical precident to guide our actions when perhaps we need to step out of our comfort box and take a bold, brash, step towards our own happiness?

Perhaps.

But what the crap do I know? I just admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing!

Old Man

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dear Blank, Douchers, Relationships, support Windsor!

Happy Father’s Day from Ash Multimedia!

Instead of me writing a blog post, I’ve chosen to link an article that I wrote on this subject from this month’s Windsor Social, featuring Penn & Teller! (Shameless plug I know).

This article was inspired by the two most prominent male figures in my daughters’ lives (at the time) and it prompted me to write an article stressing the importance of Father’s Day for the fathers who care, as well as a thank you to those who take their role seriously.

I hope you enjoy it (If the link doesn’t open to the page, it’s page 50)

 

Save You

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Everyone has that moment where it all just comes crashing down.

That was me this week.

Everything I loved about my life (except parenting) suddenly fell apart & I’m left trying to understand.

I’m hurting, I’m wounded & I’m lost. I hate that I’m supposed to be the person that nothing affects but this week has really walloped me.

So, I try to remember all the lessons that I taught myself all of these months; that there’s always a shred of hope in the darkness & sometimes that shred of hope is enough to help you endure. When things look bleakest, you may be closest to your victory. That broken hearts mend & eventually things will be okay.

I know these things, but right now, I just want to feel okay.

Soldier

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Life is about lessons learned.

I’m always learning new lessons & trying to apply them to my daily life.

The latest lesson is learning how to open up to a new person after the old person messed you up so badly.

I’m very blessed to be with the person I am with. I have blogged about him more than once, and while I try to keep my gushing about him to a minimum, sometimes one can’t help it.

He’s a very strong, supportive & compassionate man who deals with my idiosyncrasies in a very gentle & comforting way. Every time there is a crisis in my life, he is by my side, rationalizing through it until a solution can be found. However, I find in many situations, he’s the last person that I will turn to, which I think may bother him.

I spent a long time reclaiming my individuality after years of being under someone’s thumb. Part of me fears going back to that. I’m always afraid that reaching out to the man that I love will result in him resenting me for being weak & sniveling, so by the time I do talk to him, 19 things have gone wrong & I’m a crazy, crying mess.

However, this man finds crazy, crying MH lovable, which is probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard. When someone can love the least lovable side of you, & only want to understand that side & not change it, they are likely your match. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m goofy, kind of ditzy & sometimes over emotional. The fact that he can see these things not as flaws that need changing, but facets of my personality that need to be understood & accepted makes me love him more.

The other reason is simple; he’s a busy man. He has many commitments to many people & I don’t want to infringe on them. I don’t want to distract him from the degree he has worked so hard for or his beautiful daughter. I am only a marginal piece of his life & I don’t want to put too much pressure on him to be more than that. He has a million projects & sometimes he simply has no time for me, not even a phone call. I’m the same way sometimes. But I feel guilty when I have to infringe on his life, I feel so selfish when I do. I should be the lowest priority, not someone that requires a lot of attention.

However, the lesson here is knowing when it is the right time to let someone in. When do you have the conversations that are most personal?

For me, that time is now.

I’m slowly building a future with someone whom genuinely loves & cares for me & wants to understand me better. He wants to be there for me when things get rough, just like I want to be there for him. We are getting to the point where we know each other better than we know ourselves & accepted each other’s flaws & foibles. We’re at the point where one bad day/week/minor issue won’t tear us apart & I need to be more open to talking to him, even about the stuff that I don’t tell even my closest friends. I spend so much time trying to be Super MH that I forget that I don’t have to be; my friends & beau appreciate that I’m actually a bit nuts & over emotional. Perhaps if I opened up @ the time things happened & let people understand why I feel the way I do, maybe they wouldn’t feel like I’m high strung. Maybe I wouldn’t be.

Loving someone means loving the parts of the person that aren’t very lovable. Flaws are part of a person too & whether it’s a small flaw (forgetting to call) or a major one (over emotional crying), if you love that person, you embrace their flaws as well as their goodness. If someone can love the parts of me that I hate, then he’s someone I can do damn near anything for.