I like my job. It’s a very nice job. It’s not in my field (either of them) but it pays me well, which is important as I’m a sole support parent receiving no financial support whatsoever from the children’s father (while yes, he is unemployed & has been for some time, he also refused to pay child support for 11 months when he was working & preferred to wait until his wages were garnisheed). I like that they are flexible so I could freelance on the side when I’m ready to & I can transfer to a new city without issue.
However, I sometimes have to stop myself when guests complain of high prices & the expectation of paying money for a new device from telling them that their first world or “white people” problems are not so bad & they need to quit whining.
Yes, there are cell phone networks that offer unlimited everything for $30/mos, but you get what you pay for, which is a tiny network, slow connection & internet throttling after a certain percentage. When people whine, I want to remind them that a cell phone is a luxury item & to STFU.
Before I get flamed, yes, a phone is essential, but for $15 you can do prepaid & have a flip phone for emergencies. I am writing this from my iPhone. I do not need to have the capability to blog from my phone. I could easily go home to my computer (luxury item) and log onto my internet (luxury item) & update my blog (luxury item). You do not need a smartphone unless you work where you need access to email @ all times. You do not need to update your Facebook (luxury item) from your phone or listen to music (luxury item) from your phone. You need it to make calls. Anything else is a bonus.
Yes, my job security relies on you wanting those luxury items, but let’s call a spade a spade; that’s what they are. I love my iPhone, but I also know it’s a toy & to use it, I’m willing to fork out the money. If I want fast internet, I need to fork out money. Same with cable, netflix, video games, etc. They are bonuses in life.
Remember, while you’re whining because you don’t have your shiny new gold istatussymbol, there are real people suffering real problems, like divorce, death, hunger, war, income loss, job loss, and homelessness. If your biggest woe is that your $750 trinket is going to cost you $70/month, life’s good for you.
We neeed to rationalize what is a necessity & what is just for fun. Food we need, phones we don’t. With that in mind, I’ll resume selling luxury items to the masses.
I think it’s time that I once again retire from the world of online dating.
Not just because I’m in the middle of a huge life transition and it’s not a good idea to start a relationship in the midst of that. Not just because we’ve established that I am the most stubborn person on Earth.
Mainly because…it’s stupid.
My hippie friend and her husband met online and made it. Their love story is beautiful and they make me happy. But everyone else I know, it failed. However, my Muricah food tour companion said the same thing I did (she uses her POF account to “laugh @ the winners.” We actually had a contest to see who could shoot down some poor moron in the most original capacity); it feels like forcing something that isn’t really there.
I want the love story. I want that epic Noah and Allie where you work out the misunderstandings, even though it took forever for them to finally decide to sit down and actually talk, but when they did, they realize they had wasted so much time not trusting each other and talking about things as they happened, letting outside influences stick their noses in, but they worked it out and built a beautiful life. Just like my 12 year old suggested, I want the Stefan and Elena (book version, not ruined TV show version) where they just knew, no matter what happened between them, they just knew. She often tells me where my supposed epic love is. She tells me so in between bouts of hating me. I want that moment, that moment where you look @ that person and think they’re cute and why didn’t you notice before or you stop dead in your tracks and think…wow, who is that? You don’t get that moment from the internet.
I have always wanted the epic love like my friend and fellow blogger Nancy at Whispered Inspirations has found with her hubby where she just knew. I guess I feel like online dating is trying to force the epic love story and when you try to force something, it doesn’t happen. No matter how much I think that I know who I’m supposed to be with, you can’t force it, and I can’t make someone want to be here with me, nor would I want to, because they wouldn’t be happy. They’d need to realize it on their own. Much like Noah in the Notebook, he waited for Allie to figure it out on her own and when she did, they fought for each other and with each other and had a lovely life. Maybe someday I’ll find that epic love story and it will happen naturally, with a random meeting and a lovely chat that turns into more. You can’t find it when you’re searching for it (unless of course you’re searching for what you’ve run from) and by online dating, maybe you’re pushing too hard to find a mate to fit your love story instead of waiting for the love story to play out. I shouldn’t have to settle for less than the life that I want and so richly deserve. I shouldn’t have to settle for a life that is “good enough” and that includes my interpersonal relationships. I don’t want a computer to determine my compatibility with someone. I want the man who doesn’t care if we’re compatible on paper, or what he thinks happened or didn’t happen and vice versa. I want the man that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t get me out of his mind, needs to know what I’m thinking so he wastes time seeking it out, and in the end makes the choice to work on it with me, every day, because in the end, it’s how it’s supposed to be. I think about how when I went back to school to do something profitable and how miserable I was, how my marriage was a chore because there was no moment of “This person could be the one.” I do not want any aspect of my life to be a chore, especially not the most important adult relationship of my life.
I asked my friend if it was so wrong to feel like I deserved the epic love, the love that made me want to become better, love myself more and the love I was so sure of that I would wait for it, fight for it, fight with them and when things are the suckiest, love someone when I don’t even like them. She said no, because she was waiting for the same thing and she shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than that. So, she’ll keep mocking the POF winners and I’ll keep on building my self esteem and putting my life the way I want it, so when the time is right, I’ll get my epic love story, have that chance meeting, and happily ever after the way I’ve always wanted and I absolutely deserve and so does she. Everyone deserves the person who is going to feel for them the same thing that Noah felt for Allie:
“Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing…So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”
Maybe it’s not realistic, but I would rather wait my life for the love story where no matter what happens, you make it through the storm than some complacent blah thing that some computer created for me. If something is how its supposed to be, you’ll end up there eventually. So, no one needs to force it by hunting for it, because we’ll find it, rediscover it, and cherish it when we do.
Please don’t give up. I know it hurts that they left you, or that you didn’t make the team, or get that job. I know it hurts that they called you those names & said you don’t matter. I know you want them to love you & they don’t & it sucks & you want to not hurt anymore. I know you wish your parents cared but they’re mean & it seems like there’s no one & no where left to go.
Well, I don’t know you, but I’m here & you can contact me via email @ ash.multimedia@yahoo.ca or find me on Twitter. I think you’re great & you worked really hard. I know someone will love you even though they didn’t. Your parents are likely proud of you, they just don’t know how to show you or let their own sadness bring them down. People come & go & it’s okay because the best ones will come back or better yet, never leave. Don’t wait for them, live your life & be a beacon of awesome. Life hands miracles to us every day & can be found with courage, faith & conviction. Give yourself a chance to find them.
But it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will be. It will be alright & you will become a champion because everything that hurt you taught you to be strong and you will be alright.
If you do have suicidal thoughts, call the number listed with your country. Qualified crisis counsellors will help you & if nothing else, you’ll feel like someone listened & for awhile, you’ll be okay. Feeling suicidal does not make you crazy, or worthless, or a bad person. It means that you’ve lost the ability to cope & that’s okay, you can find it again, I promise. I also promise someone out there needs you. You might not have even met them yet, but they do. Hold on for that someone, whether its a friend, a parent, a teacher, your child, the person that you love most in this world, regardless of your current relationship, hold on for them and for you.
Today is the third anniversary of ASH Multimedia! Holy crap! I can’t remember when I’ve ever stuck to a project this long, but I’m so glad that I did.
When I started this blog, I was an unhappily married mom who feared being replaced by the people I loved. Fast forward & I’m a single mom trying to balance her ever changing life, a dork & a dreamer & a girl on fire. I got a divorce, fell in love, got my heart broken, made friends, lost friends, went to college, nearly flunked out because I walked out of an exam, graduated anyway, & dealt with loss, euphoria & a few emotions in between. Guess what? I didn’t die. Some of it was wonderful, some of it hurt & some just plain pissed me off. But I didn’t die. I came out singed & battered, but stronger. For the first time since I was 19 years old, I like who I am. I like who I see in the mirror.
I’ve learned life lessons. Yes, I’m replaceable to people, but that’s okay. Chances are, so are they. I’ve learned that sometimes you’ll get crushed & it’ll take you months to feel okay, but you will. I learned that all feelings are valid, even if you don’t like or agree with them. I learned that I can forgive almost anything & love completely & even if I don’t like you very much or if you are no longer part of my life, I am capable of great love for you. I’ve learned that I’ll never be the perfect mom, friend or housekeeper, but as long as I’m doing my best for my girls & I, we will be okay. I’ve learned that while I don’t always put myself first, sometimes I have to so I don’t end up basing my self worth around what people think of me. I need to be my own best friend, great love & cheerleader. I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting there.
But I didn’t learn this from myself; I learned it from you. I once had an audience of one, now it’s an audience of hundreds & I’m not really sure why! You, who is reading this right now taught me these lessons, through your comments, emails & for whatever reason, your continued reading of ASH Multimedia & the ASH Life. I’m so happy that you read my blog, even if its to feel better about your life by comparison.
So, thanks for reading. Thanks for laughing @ my life for three years. I hope to continue to make you feel better about your life by comparison for a few more years to come.
I was talking to one of my oldest & dearest friends last night & I remembered why I love him so much.
He’s hilarious & wise, & will mix observations from an old soul (the happiest I’ve seen you since high school was last year, but only around one person, but now you’re happy all the time. You’re doing awesome right now. No more versions of the same girl where you had to be one person for your friends & one person for your job & yourself when you’re alone or with the ass.) to things that are bizarre (I only follow this one Twitter account because its sooooooo stupid). I regaled him with my latest misadventures (including the guy who told me he needed to meet my kids so Jesus could approve. Uhhhh…*runs*). He told me he hopes I meet someone great because I deserve to be happy.
He can’t wait for me to get my happily ever after, but I think I’m living it tbh. I’ve been living it for awhile. Sometimes I forget & let people control me again, but I like that my life is my terms, my way & there’s no one to tell me “no, you can’t,” or “you’re not strong enough,” “you need me.” Whatever.
It seems like everyone around me wants to meet someone who is going to provide me with that elusive “thing” that’s going to make me happier or something & I think it’s sweet, but I’m good. I’m particular about my life & I want someone or something that’s going to enrich me, make me the best possible person I can, help me grow. I long for people, not status & if its not an option, then I’ll be the love of my own life. There’s a reason I haven’t dated anyone seriously (or casually) & It’s totally ME. I know what I want & what I don’t & I am not willing to compromise that. Also, I’m self aware & have taken a bunch of psychology & sociology courses, so I’m aware of my flaws & read people well. Thanks to online dating, I see a lot of people talking about why they’re a catch (I’ve also rejected the entire internet). But that’s not me. I’m a socially awkward nerd. I’d rather do things in my awkward, self depreciating style & tell you why I am, in fact, not a catch. Take note, gentlemen, because here’s why you don’t want to go out with me.
1. I don’t care how hot you are, if you can’t spell, then I don’t want you. This is why online dating doesn’t work for me.
2. I’m aloof. Not so touchy feely, huggy, kissy, and we heard what I think about sex. I also don’t do feelings well, as we’ve established I’m apathetic to humanity. So, I likely won’t love you, so you should meet someone where you’ll get laid.
3. I won’t date you if you have kids. Sorry, but kids are serious business. No one meets my daughters, because the time they did, they got their hearts broken too & still pray for that person’s return. Sorry, but you’re not worth it. Adversely, if you place me in the caregiver role, I will care & when it’s removed, it will cripple me. Children are beautiful, fragile little people & THEY DON’T FORGET. My 3yo will tell you from a photo that we were @ the park with her best friend and they were hiding from her friend’s dad, who was pretending to be the monster. She’ll also tell you that someone she used to know promised her a football jersey for her birthday, so since it didn’t come last year, it’ll be here this year, because they’re gonna watch their team together, he promised. They don’t forget & you just hurt them when you don’t take your commitment to them seriously. I take that commitment to a child seriously & will see being placed in a caregiving role as the honour that it is. But I also am not willing to get hurt or lose another child I will grow to love, so no single dads.
4. I work too much. Between my job, getting to my job, raising my family, I’m busy. So, naturally I’m gonna add “freelancing” to my plate. If I’m not working 60 hours a week minimum, I’m not happy. My life is parenting & working. I’m a type A overachiever & my job will come before you. Sorry. Writing is not a “thing I do,” it’s my whole life. It was there before you, after you & my byline will mean more to me than any human being that doesn’t share my DNA.
5. I’m weird. Today I danced around my neighbourhood to Ellie Goulding. I skip @ work. I have a fascination with Pikachu & my necklace has a Triforce on it. I won’t compromise myself for anyone. Won’t pretend to like your sports, music, friends, etc. I am me & I am weird, a little goofy & I will act like an ass in public.
I do things like this
6. I hate the idea of long term commitment, matrimony, or anything of that sort. I get excited for like a month, and then I wanna stay put. You’ll never put a ring on it.
7. I’m either the super girl or the anti-girl. There is no in between.
8. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t really care to learn.
9. I cry A LOT. I also apologize a lot. My friend stated “people just need to learn to tell you to shut the f*** up, for real. Usually that stops the geeing.” Or tell me to save my scissors.
10. I talk too much. I’m slovenly. I talk too fast. Punctuality is not my forte. I hate Bruce Willis & George Clooney. My jokes aren’t funny. I do things on a whim. I can’t do simple multiplication but I can remind you of every word you’ve ever said to me. I generally know what you’re thinking before you do & I’m one step ahead of you & WILL call you on your crap. I use logic for everything. I’m stubborn & tenacious & will not quit on anything. I’m competitive to a fault. I will always get angry if I don’t have enough counter space. I have a loathing for the colour mustard yellow & I won’t miss you if you don’t talk to me for awhile, unless you are the most important adult in the world to me & even then…meh. I listen to the same song on repeat 40 times in a row, watch pro wrestling instead of soaps & may be dependent on caffeine. I’m easily distracted & kind of a ditz. I fully intend to change NONE of these things.
But I do have a pretty, marketable face
See guys? Not a catch. Not even close. You should prally steer clear. I’m a delightful mess & I’m cool with it, because so are you. So is everyone on Earth, even people who have their crap together. Anyone can claim to be awesome, especially someone with seven years of public relations experience. My job requires making people who suck sound awesome & generally they believe their own hype. I’d rather look at myself as what I am; a delightful, over emotional, mess who talks too much. If you still think I sound awesome, may God help your massochistic soul.
I’m so glad that you have decided to go to Social Media and complain about your precious eyes after Miley Cyrus danced in her underpants @ the VMA’s. I’ve read everything from how she’s pathetically begging for attention to how Robin Thicke was some kind of victim. However, as a semi-retired journalist, I’m going to weigh in.
You all did EXACTLY what you were supposed to do.
Much like the Madonna/Britney kiss or Rose McGowan’s assless dress, you all talked about Miley & Thicke, who performed a mash up of their songs & recreated their videos. Cyrus’s new single Wrecking Ball is number one on iTunes & Thicke’s single Blurred Lines is number 2 (It should be noted that Blurred Lines was the number one single of summer, with Cyrus’s We Can’t Stop @ number two). Everyone is talking about Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus on a night that was supposed to be about duelling performances between Lady Gaga & Katy Perry & the N*Sync reunion. Cyrus & Thicke knew they needed to get people talking, as bad press is good press & they did. They played you like fiddles & you all fell for it.
Miley Cyrus is sitting somewhere laughing at you in her million dollar house with Liam Hemsworth by her side & watching as Bangerz is the most pre-ordered album on iTunes. Thicke is sitting somewhere laughing his ass off as Blurred Lines is getting a bump in AirPlay while everyone dissects the lyrics & he maintains the number one single of summer. You gave them EXACTLY what they wanted; notoriety.
So, congrats for falling in line with your outrage & social commentary. I’m sure Cyrus & Thicke appreciate it. I’m sure they’ll thank you @ the Billboard Music Awards when they clean house or in one of the tens of millions of articles about it or when both songs get a boost next year when MTV shows highlights of the awards. Because the only reason it’s controversial is because you’re talking about it.
Life is about maintaining the ever elusive balance.
It feels like I’m always searching for that magical balance in life. When I was in school, I had to balance my education, my job, my girls & my house, & the house suffered. When I wasn’t working, the house looked great, but we were broke. Now I’m working full time & balancing that, the housework, the angry tween, the other two, & time for me to breathe.
The counsellor says the angry tween needs undivided attention, which means the other two feel slighted. So, there’s a balance I need to find. I’ve sort of balanced work & housework with my amazeballs chore hat. Meanwhile, it seems like I’m always going. I used to live for this life, but with the addition of counsellors, co-parenting & of course, the fact that my youngest is starting JK in two weeks, sometimes I just want to slow down & read books with them.
I often wonder; does anyone really find the balance, or are we always sort of looking for it, hoping to find it & having it for a minute before it needs to be rebalanced? I sometimes hope I’m not the only scatterbrained mom trying to make her life work on a day to day basis, because maybe that’s the balance.
An open letter to the parents who complained about the content of last night’s Ke$ha concert.
Dear parents,
Last night, my friends & I saw Ke$ha. I saw you there, swarming security, complaining about Ke$ha’s scantily clad dancers & profanity. You blamed Caesars for not providing you with family friendly entertainment. So, as a fellow parent I have one thing to say;
Shame on you.
Shame on you for taking to social media to complain about a concert your tween child had no business attending. Caesars had signs everywhere reminding people that while it was all ages, there could be explicit language, a warning that was hammered home when we bought our tickets. Shame on you for not doing your job as a parent & researching what kind of show Ke$ha puts on. Shame on you for demanding that a casino provide family friendly entertainment.
My 12 year old begged me to bring her to see Ke$ha & I said (wait for it) NO. I knew her show was not for her demographic & opted to keep her home. Just because Caesars Windsor sells tickets, doesn’t mean your little angel needs them.
Speaking of little angels, were yours among the Tweens in short shorts & fishnets, bikini tops or plunging mesh tops, cursing out everyone, waving the middle finger & referring to my friend (who said the shorts were too short) as “Free Willy” & screaming “you should f***ing kill yourself because you sasses me!” Because that happened & the girl who’s mouth that came out of couldn’t have been older than 13. Ke$ha may be provocative & her lyrics sexual, but her first statement on stage was “please be yourself & love each other for being yourselves.” I think you have bigger problems than Ke$ha saying she likes boobs & balls.
At the end of the day, you are a parent & you have an obligation to teach your children what is appropriate & what isn’t. You need to know what your children listen to. If you aren’t doing that, then you’re not parenting. Instead of complaining, why not educate your child that Ke$ha’s language & raunchy lyrics are not how you wish them to carry themselves. Explain why that is not appropriate speech. Parent them.
So, don’t blame Caesars or Ke$ha for putting on an inappropriate show, blame yourselves for not caring enough to take the five minutes to know if your kid should have been there in the first place.
I actively avoided Twitter last night because it was the finale of my least favourite show, The Bachelorette. I don’t think I have stressed enough that I HATE this franchise of drivel & would rather be stabbed in the eyeball than listen to one more person I know tell me it’s romantic (and more ranting here)
When I did go on, imagine my shock when my TL was not riddled with vomit inducing drivel about Neil Lane baubles & poetic garbage (personally, I was more engrossed in the ongoing love square of WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee, Dolph Ziggler, Kaitlyn & Big E Langston. If Imma gonna watch crap, I watch crap that I know isn’t real), but instead it was “What the actual eff?!”
Apparently Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock has told Brooks Forester that he was the one she wanted until her contractual obligation to ABC was done & he left her, saying he was in love, but not enough. Hartsock wanted to quit, but instead chose to accept a proposal from Chris Sigfried instead. One comment on my TL that stuck out was “…& that kids, is how we settle.”
I settled once & while it produced three amazing children, the scars it left on my ex husband & I know no bounds. He says he can never truly meet anyone else because I broke him & I genuinely believe I deserve to be treated like crap by the masses & I deserved the physical & emotional abuse because I’m an awful person. When I did meet the person that I believed was the one & he left, I opted to remain alone until I no longer feel like he was the one. I refuse to settle again. I don’t need a person, I want someone who completes me & someday, when I’m ready, I’ll meet him. I won’t hurt a man by dating him when my heart & mind are somewhere else. I also wouldn’t want that person here out of guilt or obligation, because that’s not love. That just hurts the person I love & that goes against everything I want when it comes to him, which is to be happy. So, I sort through all of the emotions in a way that I can have a future, with someone or without & in a candid way that is sometimes more honest than it should be. But, it helps me understand where I am & where I need to be. It’s not for attention (like Layla El, continuing my WWE comparison), it’s about coming to terms & muddling through. I’m not three, I don’t need attention. Besides, I’ve found that the people most accusatory about people wanting attention are the ones screaming “look @ me!” “Pay attention to me!” because they hate themselves & want to drag everyone down in a quest to feel validated. You know, LIKE PEOPLE WHO GO ON THE BACHELORETTE.
Sigfried will watch his betrothed weep for a man & then claim to love him enough to spend her life with him DAYS LATER. Apparently Forester & Hartsock’s reunion last night was riddled with tears & tension & people who watch this crap fans speculated that Hartsock still loves Forester more than her fiancé. How can Sigfried feel comfortable, knowing that he was choice B & in such record time? It’s not like the others, where the Bachelorette was conflicted; she had chosen & he left so she hopped herself on Valium & decided to marry him? How can he feel comfortable with their future?!
Settling doesn’t help; it hurts you & the person that you feel you’re helping. You’re not throwing them a bone, you’re making them feel like they need to be thrown a bone. I want someone because they can’t get me out of their heart & mind, even if they’ve tried. I want to be with a person who needs to know what I’m thinking so badly, they’ll go to any lengths to find out because they need to know if they’re on my mind. I want to be with someone I can love even if they’ve said & done hurtful & hateful things (& vice versa) & we can get through even the most insurmountable odds as a team. I don’t want someone because it makes sense, I want someone because its the right thing, even when sometimes it’s a mess & isn’t perfect or a fairy tale. I want someone who is willing to put the most broken things back together, deal with my general self-sabotage & insecurity & bottling up of real emotions to nitpick. That’s what everyone deserves & Chris Sigfried isn’t getting it & that’s actually kind of sad.
It’s so sad that I feel for someone on the Bachelorette. Ew.
The Misadventures of MHC 