Get Another Boyfriend

I was talking to one of my oldest & dearest friends last night & I remembered why I love him so much.

He’s hilarious & wise, & will mix observations from an old soul (the happiest I’ve seen you since high school was last year, but only around one person, but now you’re happy all the time. You’re doing awesome right now. No more versions of the same girl where you had to be one person for your friends & one person for your job & yourself when you’re alone or with the ass.) to things that are bizarre (I only follow this one Twitter account because its sooooooo stupid). I regaled him with my latest misadventures (including the guy who told me he needed to meet my kids so Jesus could approve. Uhhhh…*runs*). He told me he hopes I meet someone great because I deserve to be happy.

He can’t wait for me to get my happily ever after, but I think I’m living it tbh. I’ve been living it for awhile. Sometimes I forget & let people control me again, but I like that my life is my terms, my way & there’s no one to tell me “no, you can’t,” or “you’re not strong enough,” “you need me.” Whatever.

It seems like everyone around me wants to meet someone who is going to provide me with that elusive “thing” that’s going to make me happier or something & I think it’s sweet, but I’m good. I’m particular about my life & I want someone or something that’s going to enrich me, make me the best possible person I can, help me grow. I long for people, not status & if its not an option, then I’ll be the love of my own life. There’s a reason I haven’t dated anyone seriously (or casually) & It’s totally ME. I know what I want & what I don’t & I am not willing to compromise that. Also, I’m self aware & have taken a bunch of psychology & sociology courses, so I’m aware of my flaws & read people well. Thanks to online dating, I see a lot of people talking about why they’re a catch (I’ve also rejected the entire internet). But that’s not me. I’m a socially awkward nerd. I’d rather do things in my awkward, self depreciating style & tell you why I am, in fact, not a catch. Take note, gentlemen, because here’s why you don’t want to go out with me.

1. I don’t care how hot you are, if you can’t spell, then I don’t want you. This is why online dating doesn’t work for me.

2. I’m aloof. Not so touchy feely, huggy, kissy, and we heard what I think about sex. I also don’t do feelings well, as we’ve established I’m apathetic to humanity. So, I likely won’t love you, so you should meet someone where you’ll get laid.

3. I won’t date you if you have kids. Sorry, but kids are serious business. No one meets my daughters, because the time they did, they got their hearts broken too & still pray for that person’s return. Sorry, but you’re not worth it. Adversely, if you place me in the caregiver role, I will care & when it’s removed, it will cripple me. Children are beautiful, fragile little people & THEY DON’T FORGET. My 3yo will tell you from a photo that we were @ the park with her best friend and they were hiding from her friend’s dad, who was pretending to be the monster. She’ll also tell you that someone she used to know promised her a football jersey for her birthday, so since it didn’t come last year, it’ll be here this year, because they’re gonna watch their team together, he promised. They don’t forget & you just hurt them when you don’t take your commitment to them seriously. I take that commitment to a child seriously & will see being placed in a caregiving role as the honour that it is. But I also am not willing to get hurt or lose another child I will grow to love, so no single dads.

4. I work too much. Between my job, getting to my job, raising my family, I’m busy. So, naturally I’m gonna add “freelancing” to my plate. If I’m not working 60 hours a week minimum, I’m not happy. My life is parenting & working. I’m a type A overachiever & my job will come before you. Sorry. Writing is not a “thing I do,” it’s my whole life. It was there before you, after you & my byline will mean more to me than any human being that doesn’t share my DNA.

5. I’m weird. Today I danced around my neighbourhood to Ellie Goulding. I skip @ work. I have a fascination with Pikachu & my necklace has a Triforce on it. I won’t compromise myself for anyone. Won’t pretend to like your sports, music, friends, etc. I am me & I am weird, a little goofy & I will act like an ass in public.

I do things like this
I do things like this

6. I hate the idea of long term commitment, matrimony, or anything of that sort. I get excited for like a month, and then I wanna stay put. You’ll never put a ring on it.

7. I’m either the super girl or the anti-girl. There is no in between.

8. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t really care to learn.

9. I cry A LOT. I also apologize a lot. My friend stated “people just need to learn to tell you to shut the f*** up, for real. Usually that stops the geeing.” Or tell me to save my scissors.

10. I talk too much. I’m slovenly. I talk too fast. Punctuality is not my forte. I hate Bruce Willis & George Clooney. My jokes aren’t funny. I do things on a whim. I can’t do simple multiplication but I can remind you of every word you’ve ever said to me. I generally know what you’re thinking before you do & I’m one step ahead of you & WILL call you on your crap. I use logic for everything. I’m stubborn & tenacious & will not quit on anything. I’m competitive to a fault. I will always get angry if I don’t have enough counter space. I have a loathing for the colour mustard yellow & I won’t miss you if you don’t talk to me for awhile, unless you are the most important adult in the world to me & even then…meh. I listen to the same song on repeat 40 times in a row, watch pro wrestling instead of soaps & may be dependent on caffeine. I’m easily distracted & kind of a ditz. I fully intend to change NONE of these things.

But I do have a pretty, marketable face
But I do have a pretty, marketable face

See guys? Not a catch. Not even close. You should prally steer clear. I’m a delightful mess & I’m cool with it, because so are you. So is everyone on Earth, even people who have their crap together. Anyone can claim to be awesome, especially someone with seven years of public relations experience. My job requires making people who suck sound awesome & generally they believe their own hype. I’d rather look at myself as what I am; a delightful, over emotional, mess who talks too much. If you still think I sound awesome, may God help your massochistic soul.