Category: My New Life As Me

Desperate Measures

by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Sometimes things don’t always go according to the master plan.

I’m having trouble with this as I like everything to follow my master plans. When they don’t, I have trouble regrouping.

However, minor setbacks can be a GOOD thing. They remind us that we can’t always depend on the things we feel we should. The law won’t protect me from a madman, so I’ll have to protect myself.

Minor setbacks also remind me not to be so damned nice (somewhere Drew is reading this & CHEERING). I’ve always tried to maintain a cordial relationship with my ex for the sake of my daughters & gotten hurt every time. Maybe it’s time for no more Miss Nice MH…@ least where the divorce is concerned.

That’s my fatal flaw; the refusal to believe anyone, even the man who physically & emotionally abused & tortured me for months could be completely evil. My naive search for the good in everyone keeps costing me, now my personal safety. Sometimes, you’ve gotta accept that some people are just cruel, horrible monsters & the good died long ago when they spit in their pregnant wife’s face & called her a whore.

I’m not saying its wrong to believe that almost everyone is essentially good. I still believe that most people are good, kind people. I just need to open my eyes and see that some people are capable of being very bad & stop searching for good that isn’t there. Otherwise the girls & I are going to keep ending up in harm’s way.

Enough For Now

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me

I try not to complain.

I really do. My good friend Nancy at Whispered Inspirations has a saying “too blessed to be stressed” which I’ve tried to adopt into my daily life.

I’m not stressed, I’m tired.

I think back to when I had two jobs, two kids & I made this look easy. Now sometimes it seems so hard. Then I remember why it was so easy back then; I had help.

I had an amazing assistant editor who went above & beyond the call of duty. I still feel he needs a shout out because I’m remembering now that I’m back into the fray that he was invaluable to my career. My homelife has always been me vs the world but his partnership on the professional side of things made life so much easier. I could likely get a new assistant but honestly they would suck in comparison. Part of being invaluable is being irreplaceable.

Now it’s just me. Me balancing schoolwork, homework, kids, a job, & a life. Apparently there’s a learning curve & part of the learning is remembering that I am human. I need days off. I need sleep.

I try not to complain because this is the life that I chose. It’s the life that will bring me security & success. I have all of the tools to make my happy ending, I just need to make them all fit. I often wonder how other people make it look so damned easy & why can’t I be that awesome too? Then I remember the number one rule of life; never compare yourself to anyone else.

So, while there are days (like today) that I would rip off my own arm for one hour off, I remember when I was unemployed & felt useless & that I wouldn’t want my life any other way, if for no other reason than because I can look back & know there were no wasted opportunities. I just need to remember that I’m not the same woman I was before. There is no assistant. There is no partner. There is more expected of me & finding the balance is a little trickier. That’s not to say it can’t be done, it’s just harder. I need to remind myself to take a day off because I have no one to remind me that I’m working too hard. I need to learn my own limitations.

Until then, I’m going to take a nap.

Finding the Real

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

Sometimes life is messy.

Sometimes things get hard & you find yourself sitting in your bed thinking “WTF just happened?” I’ve had that a few times this week. First the test from Hell, then some dealings with the ex, then a confusing patch in a new relationship.

Normally, these sorts of dealings would send me into the tizzy to end all tizzys (& it did for a bit), but then something strange happened…

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Without Honesty, Left is Right

by maryhelenc, posted in My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I’ve slowly learned that alot of relationship terms are subjective.

I’ve had people tell me that the reason for my separation “wasn’t that bad” while others stress it should have been done sooner. I’ve had “well, it was only suffocation, it’s not like he hit you” to “you poor thing” & it’s really odd. Much like my cheating post last year, its funny how things like cheating and assault can be so subjective, but the concept of “monthaversaries” are set in stone.

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