I’ve slowly learned that alot of relationship terms are subjective.
I’ve had people tell me that the reason for my separation “wasn’t that bad” while others stress it should have been done sooner. I’ve had “well, it was only suffocation, it’s not like he hit you” to “you poor thing” & it’s really odd. Much like my cheating post last year, its funny how things like cheating and assault can be so subjective, but the concept of “monthaversaries” are set in stone.
One thing that never seems to be subjective is honesty. A relationship thrives on honesty & mine fell apart when the honesty stopped. My former husband wouldn’t tell me things until he was enraged & then dump six months worth of crap on me. I would get mad because I had asked what was wrong & he lied. That’s when things would get ugly. Honesty is the cornerstone of a relationship & if you’re comfortable lying to your partner about money matters, sex or where the relationship is going, then chances are It’s doomed to fail.
I would much rather blunt honesty than a world of illusions. I hate when someone spins a world for someone that is all wonderful when there’s nothing real in it. I lived in that fantasy world for far too long and when I learned there was no substance, it got ugly. It’s like the person playing two romantic rivals against each other. He’s telling them both that he loves them when in reality he loves neither, or there would be only one. Or the person who spends frivolously & then lies about their purchases to their mate (or lies about their wages so they can spend more). Or the person who has mulled a breakup while their partner is blissfully unaware (I’ve been guilty of this one). Once you start lying, everything is broken & you can either recommit yourself to months (maybe years) of rebuilding or (if you’ve lied from day one) do that person a favour & let them go find someone who respects them enough for truth.
I would much rather be left by someone who couldn’t be honest than live in the fantasy land because eventually the illusions fade & you’re left staring at a relationship that is nothing like the brochure & you end up much more miserable than you did had they just walked in the first place.
So, while cheating, domestic abuse, even relationship dealbreakers can all be open to interpretation, complete honesty cannot. You can’t build a life on lies.