Yesterday I committed the most atrocious sin in my little world;
I failed a test.
I wasn’t unprepared, or I didn’t think so but here we are. After a super toxic freak out, makeup ruining tears & cuddles with my cat (who is a really crappy listener), I think I’m okay & a lesson was learned; I’m not infallible.
I can accept I’m not a perfect parent. I wish I was but in order to be a good mother I had to accept that sometimes I’m not going to be flawless. Work & school are something different. I live each day with the motto that “mediocrity is for suckers”, cram more work into any free second not spent with my children & my body has adjusted to life without sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if my drive to succeed makes me a horrible parent. I love my girls & every 11th hour interview, late night study session, et al is for them. This will give them the life that they deserve & in my deluded mind, I pretend that I’m showing them that to succeed, you have to fight. Then, when we’re chilling in the bed for Saturday morning cuddles, I wonder if they would be better off if Mommy didn’t have to work as much or as hard.
I used to have a partner who balanced the workload. When I had to work, he took care of them. He didn’t have my drive so he did his nine to five & came home. While the running of the house, the major decisions, were up to me, I could count on him to play with the girls while I ran the house, went to work, etc. Now I’m Mommy, Daddy, housewife, breadwinner, I wear every hat. I’ve cut out all the “me” time & anyone who wants to build a life with me had to accept that they’re fourth on my list of priorities. I guess I’m tired. Maybe a nap is in order.
I need to find the balance. To know that I can be a good mother & a dedicated career-woman. That I can take a night off & not eff up everything.
Maybe I just need to lighten up.