Category: Dear Blank

You Know Where I’m At

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Television

Last night, I couldn’t find my remote, so I couldn’t change the channel after watching my pretend husband Adam Levine on The Voice.

Yes, this shirtless photo of Adam Levine is essential to this blog post...you're welcome
Yes, this shirtless photo of Adam Levine is essential to this blog post…you’re welcome

I was studying for a final so I figured I’d leave whatever the eff was on as background noise. It turned out that it was this dating show called Ready For Love. We all know my feelings on dating shows (if not, click HERE & HERE), yet this was like some kind of weird train wreck. I wanted to get up & change the channel, but I didn’t want to look for my remote because I was morbidly fascinated by this bizarre…thing.

Anywho, the plot is these three guys let matchmakers pick out a bunch of chicks for them & the matchmakers sort of guide dude to find the one…or something (I did learn that the Plain White T’s are still a thing, so there’s that). But one of the girls who was sent packing said that “nice girls finish last.”

Do they?

I’m a nice girl. Sickeningly so. I’m all kinds of Jesus loving, gift buying, naive as all get out, good girl. I give to people until there is nothing left & when I love someone, I’m stupidly devoted to them. I don’t do casual sex. I need to know you love me before you get that (I broke that rule one time, for someone I loved beyond reason) & if you’re in my bed, it means I truly believe you are my match. In fact, I struggle to date again if I’ve given you that, because I feel like I gave you the best I had in me to give & it wasn’t good enough. I would rather waste my life waiting for a person I feel is worth waiting for than date a million people (my online dating profile exists, but it serves for me to reject many boys & only to shut the psych major up hahaha) But do I finish last? I don’t think so. I have a pretty fulfilled life; awesome kids, good friends, an outlet for my talent. Not too shabby. I don’t need a relationship to complete me. I don’t get lonely for a partner. If I do, it’s for a specific person, not just a faceless partner, someone who has qualities I admire, who I feel can be a role model for my daughters, someone I care about.

I think people sort of use that as a crutch to explain why guys are douchebags. Some are, but other men & women just cannot handle having what they’ve wanted; someone who loves them completely. You build the image up in your mind of your ideal mate & most of the time, the image doesn’t fit reality. 90% of the time, the person who is right for us isn’t the person we expected. Some people can roll with that, others can’t. They begin to let doubts creep in because they’re not used to someone essentially looking at them like they’re amazing & they worry about things like “what if I’m not so God-like (chances are, they know)” or “why don’t I see him/her like that? (Chances are you give love differently, it doesn’t mean you love them less, you just love them in your own way)” Soon enough, you feel smothered and guilty because you simply can’t understand that level of acceptance, because you’ve never had it yourself (something I struggle with). Maybe the two of you aren’t on the same page (one is further ahead and you need to slow down) and you don’t know how to say you’re not ready to jump in yet, or vice versa. Maybe they aren’t the mate you envisioned on paper; they’re flighty, or even a little nuts & you question your choice (or you worry about others questioning it). The idea of love is wonderful, the act of maintaining love is terrifying. That’s why so many of us rush into one relationship after another; we’ve been trained to believe that the other person just sucked & it’s because we’re nice & we finish last.

The truth is, that we love the idea of love, not being in love, which is why we always muck up the best relationships & then rush into the next one instead of evaluating what we really want. Perhaps we should have worked harder, or talked to our partner as things happened, so we can apply that to our next relationship. Perhaps we still miss the one we let get away so we try to replace them & end up with a string of failed relationships trying to fill the hole (which my own therapist claims those who feel a hole either a) have terribly low self esteem and need to be in a relationship to feel validated or b) are missing the presence of a former lover that they feel “got away”), while still creeping their online profile because deep down, that’s what we want but we’re too damn stubborn to admit it (something one of the girls did on the train wreck last night. She realized she let someone great go & went to fight for him. The other train wreck chicks were pissed, but I thought it was pretty ballsy to admit you weren’t ready @ the time, but you’re sorry & you are now & you want to try again. He kept her, so maybe he is big into giving someone a million chances).

They say if you care enough to wonder what they're thinking, then maybe you should care enough to be with them. Of course, most proverbs were written by monks soooo...
They say if you care enough to wonder what they’re thinking, then maybe you should care enough to be with them. Of course, most proverbs were written by monks soooo…

It’s not because nice people finish last. It’s because we’ve been taught that people are replaceable & that makes us want everything & nothing; we want someone to complete us, but not get too close, someone to want to be our mate, but not overwhelm us, someone to understand us, even if we don’t tell them what’s wrong. It has to be our time, our way & we are the star of the relationship & it’s not about being a team. It’s not a matter of nice or douchey, because these are things that plague all of us. We need to start working together to meet in the middle. Sometimes we need to start over, sometimes we need to understand that the thing that seemed wrong on paper is the right thing for us, or that not everyone loves the same way & that’s okay, sometimes we need to go backwards before we go forward & sometimes we need to open up before we close the door.

So, nice people don’t finish last. They just struggle to navigate like the rest of the world. We’ll all figure it out…but most likely NOT on a dating show.

Storm

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Normally I write drivel for what I believe is your amusement. Today, I’m writing for myself, to accept a part of me that I’ve hidden (unsuccessfully) for years; my battle with depression.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with depression. I attempted to kill myself @ 10 years old. I stopped eating for a spell in high school when a teacher said I had an “above average weight” (ironically enough, the student she called “fatty” is the one that helped me through it). I let my self esteem deteriorate after two abusive relationships, one in which I was raped & beaten, the marriage where I was told I was fat, ugly & worthless & my only value was to be degraded sexually. I developed PPD after the births of my children. I miscarried three different times and each time I lost my mind. The last two years have been a roller coaster of events, all of which have affected my coping skills. My marriage ended & for the first time in my life, I was on my own & I had never even gone grocery shopping without my ex-husband! I went back to school, jumping into a career path I didn’t think through. I met someone and I fell in love. But with great power comes great responsibilty. I had never had to make choices for myself and I was afraid of messing them up. I was uneasy w/ my academic choice. I had never formed close connections with people before. So, I let my boyfriend walk all over me because I loved him and wanted him to feel safe and understood. I wanted to make him happy, so I kept putting my wants below anything he wanted. I let my friends walk all over me, because I was afraid I’d lose my support system. While I was doing this, I was making myself second best. My friends & my former boyfriend were wonderful and never made me feel unloved or not special, but when they would do something that annoyed me, I would clam up, because I was afraid they would cut me out. I would have trusted these people with my life, but not to remain a part of it and my former boyfriend always wanted to know why I would get overly upset about small things or randomly get super clingy, then flip. He wanted to understand, but the truth was, I didn’t know why. I explained certain things that contributed, but the underlying fear, I honestly couldn’t explain and I was afraid “I don’t know” wouldn’t be enough.

As the months went on, I grew more anxious. I sucked in school. My journalism career was going nowhere. My eldest daughter needed counselling, I bounced a bunch of bill payments and I felt like I was failing. I didn’t have a steady income and I was buried under debt. The final straw? My relationship ended and I broke under the pressure. I moped, because the real problems kept piling up and I felt like I was drowning under a sea of bad choices. I just kept thinking; Why law? Why didn’t you think this through? Why does she have to be on a waiting list, help my kid! Why can’t I help my kid? Why can’t I find a job? Why do I have no motivation to keep my house in order? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I had never had to face crisis situations alone, I always had a partner who took control & now it was all on me & I felt like I was doing it all wrong. I was afraid of being judged, labelled crazy or viewed as a liability to the people in my life. I lived in this fishbowl, and I wanted so badly to be the Superwoman persona I made for myself. Superwoman isn’t depressed.

Things improved; my relationship resumed and I was so happy and yet so terrified, because I saw how easily he could leave. I was offered a position @ a new magazine that would allow me to do what I loved full time & I finally felt like I had made it as a writer. But, I was still flailing. I had to do everything I didn’t do when I was busy being miserable & situations were escalating & tense. I didn’t talk about the huge problems because I wanted to do it alone so badly, so I focused on the smallest problem, because I thought if I could fix something little, I could finally feel like I could tackle the growing mountain of laundry and debt (which my counsellor told me is very normal for those who suffer with anxiety). Because I was so skittish in my relationship, I would make mistakes, and I again let him walk all over me. I didn’t say the thing I needed to say, which was that I was scared he’d walk out again any second & please work with me on this so we’re both comfortable. I couldn’t because I thought he’d feel like I was punishing him and he’d leave, which he did. Then I had the guilt of my youngest daughter asking for her best friend, my eldest daughter’s anger at me for making him go away, my middle daughter crying because she loved him & wanted him to be with us…and it was my fault. I hated myself because they were so hurt & when I tried to fix it, I displaced aggression (some justified, some not) and made it worse, strained all of my friendships & I felt like nothing.

My law career continued to flounder; I kept getting the run around at my job. For every major victory (helping my eldest child, finalizing my divorce and removing government prescence from my life), there was a setback someplace else. Suddenly, I felt like all of those insults my ex-husband hurled @ me were validated in my mind. Look, MH couldn’t keep it together! She lost her direction, her boyfriend, her friends and she’s no role model for her daughters. I grew so dependent on everyone to try and help make it okay while pretending I was okay, which of course was a façade that all of my closest friends saw through and grew to resent me, and I grew passive aggressive because I had spent so long feeling like I gave more than I got that I couldn’t see that they were trying to help me. Suddenly, I was the person that I despised. So, I made phone calls, my best friends told me off (which I thank them for, sometimes we need a good kick in the ass to help us realize how far we’ve let ourselves sink. No one ever thinks of how much we’re hurting the people we love most when we’re consumed with sadness, and sometimes it takes them to throw it in your face to help you see that you’re impacting their lives too) and I had a good cry. I realized I had become that thing I used to be; weak, sad, and unable to focus and sometimes even hurtful to people I love. I talked to my doctor and we took an assessment and I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety disorder. I wanted so badly to be in control of my life for the first time ever, that I would have panic attacks when things went wrong. But I wasn’t getting help to get them under control, so the attacks would get worse and last longer until I was living in this constant string of anxiety and fear. My counsellor said I was likely subconsciously pushing everyone away because I hated who I was becoming and I wanted all of these people that I loved so much to leave me alone so they wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore. I was self-sabotaging, because I thought they deserved better than me, so I would subconsciously do things to make them cut me out…only when they left, I felt more broken, because I missed them. Now, I’ve got a plan. Between anti-anxiety medication, exercise, working with a dietician & individual and group counselling, I’m going to finally be the person I’m supposed to be.

Why am I writing this? Because it’s a part of me and I need to accept it. The reason my life is such a mess is because I refused to just admit I needed help, take responsibility and be open. I put up walls so people would think I was invincible. I didn’t trust the people I loved that I felt so overwhelmed with my life that sometimes it felt like I was smothering because everyone said they admired the facade & every time they said they admired me, I wanted to scream “WHY?! I’M THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD LOOK UP TO EVER LOOK @ WHAT I’VE DONE TO MY LIFE!” I alienated everyone because I couldn’t just say:

“I’m scared that I can’t do this. I’m scared I’m going to ruin everything and mess up my girls and go broke and never make the effort to be a good housekeeper. I’m scared that I’m not a good friend or partner or parent & a drain on you & that I’m putting too much pressure on all of you & I’ll end up pushing you away. I’ve never been on my own and I want to make the right choices but it scares me to make them. Every time I have to I get scared that I’m doing the wrong thing and the things I’m sure about I keep mucking up. I don’t know why I’m so unhappy, please don’t think I’m insane & please still love me while I make myself better.”

As a writer, I say there should be no stigma, but for over a year (& most of my life), I’ve been so ashamed of knowing I would go through months of sadness & pick an arbitrary reason because the honest truth is, I couldn’t even tell you why I get this way. Part of me hopes maybe I won’t feel like I’m alone, that maybe by finally saying the words I’ve held in, I’ll be able to value myself like I do the people I love…and I’ll finally be a role model for my girls. This is why I often write about the idea that no one is too broken to be loved by someone; it’s my greatest wish…for myself.

Maybe I just martyred myself, or gave people fodder to laugh and for once, I don’t care. I NEED to make myself accountable to follow through with treatment. So, my name is Mary-Helen and I’m a journalist who works in a law office and I also struggle with mental illness. I won’t be magically cured by a pill, but it’s going to help. I’m sometimes going to struggle, sometimes I’m going to cry about nothing and self-sabotage and get lost in meloncholy. But I’m going to also work every day for the rest of my life to make that stop and while I’m not okay right now, I will be.

Life Is Waiting

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, WWE Wrasslin'

In the words of the late Owen Hart:

“Enough is enough & it’s time for a change.”

My life has been in this sort of holding pattern & I feel stuck.

Truthfully, my life hasn’t really been my own for a long time. I like to pretend it is, but it hasn’t been. The divorce & custody proceedings have kept me from adequately planning a future. For six months, I’ve kept my personal life on hold because I believed a person who promised me they would always come back for me, no matter what. So, I waited, rejecting any possible suitor because I trusted that he’d come back for me like he said he would. The divorce is final, & people break promises every day (the MH fatal flaw, believing in promises & holding them sacred). Law is definitely not for me & my media prospects are limited, & this leaves me spinning my wheels, wondering what to do.

I’m professionally dissatisfied, personally dissatisfied & just kind of blah. So, I need to start coming up with a plan to make my future more what I’d like it to be, instead of waiting, hoping it’ll all just fall into place. I need to take control of my life & make it work for me, no more excuses.

First thing is a career change, one that requires an education that is only offered far from Windsor. It’d be a better fit for me, something more people focused & less paperwork. Perhaps leaving Windsor is what I need. You can’t wait for something that is never coming if you’re not near it. Maybe putting as much space there will make it easier, because I don’t want to keep waiting for something that just won’t happen. The one thing that worries me most is leaving my good friends to venture somewhere that I don’t know anyone. But I didn’t know anyone when I moved to Windsor & I met amazing people. Maybe it’ll happen again. I’d only be a train ride away & technology will keep us in touch too. However, I’m not sure that I want to leave town to pursue a career that may or may not be right for me. Then I’d be far from my support system and still have no clear direction.

There’s also the girls to consider. They need their Dad & I’m not sure how he’d feel about us leaving. Obviously, we’d need to work that out and I’m not sure how well that would go, seeing as he has no access to transportation, which would impede him from being able to see them on a regular basis, which isn’t something I want to restrict the girls from.

Truthfully, this is only one plan. Plans change all of the time. But I definitely need to figure out where & who I want to be so I can do that. I’m not good @ complacency, I need to start achieving…once I figure out what that is.

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Day 28: What is your love language?

***Dear readers, I apologize if this is more personal than the general crap that I produce that I pretend people enjoy. I promise to bring my vapidly endearing brand of self-depreciating wit back tomorrow.***

My love language?

I don’t.

My former husband calls me a lot of things; frigid, cold, and a bunch of insults I won’t publish here. I guess in a way, he is right.

I love my daughters, I love my friends. But I don’t love men. Well, not in the conventional sense. I base my relationships on logic. I choose mates based on what makes sense for me, my daughters, does it work on paper, with one exception. My love life mainly consists of first dates that I leave early or never call. The last guy who made it to date two told me that he thought he wanted to get to know me better; I told him I wanted to go home. They didn’t meet my ridiculously long list of criteria that makes the ideal mate. I loved my husband as a companion, as a friend. He offered security in a time when I had none and I became dependent on him for the air I breathed. I took most of his rage because I thought I deserved it because I couldn’t give him the validation he wanted because it just wasn’t there. So, I would be nicer, try to be that perfect wife, but I couldn’t do it. When the marriage was over, I didn’t cry. I missed our friendship, but I didn’t miss being his wife. Matrimony was never high on my list of priorities anyway. It never has been I got married because it’s what you did; you date, you get married. I’ve only wanted that once, for about a month, and then I got really scared that I was going to ruin it and wanted to stay in one place for awhile. I’m scared of the big steps and like to stay where I am. I’ll get excited about the idea of moving forward for a little while, but then I’ll wanna stay in the happy moment, right there and just “be”, because I struggle with the idea of someone getting too close to me, wanting to get inside of my head. It scares me. Even my closest friends don’t know much about me. I claim I’m an open book, but I’m not. I am about my current life, and some of my younger years, but that’s it. I put up walls to keep people out, because I have a heightened fear of abandonment and I’m afraid if people got to know the side of me that is much darker and sadder than the socially awkward, happy go lucky dork, they won’t love me anymore. Anytime someone gets close to me, I get scared that they won’t want me anymore and end up sabotaging the whole thing. I don’t mean to…I just get…scared that if I’m not super woman and just a normal human girl, then I’m not going to be “good enough.” So I go overboard trying to be the best possible MHC so they won’t want to understand why I’ll get so scared over the tiniest thing or sometimes want to stop and be reassured that you won’t go anywhere.

Truthfully, I’ve only truly loved one man. I was attracted to him from our second meeting, so much so, that I had to keep a certain distance (as I was you know, married). He was the exception, he didn’t meet my criteria, was the opposite of everything I had ever looked for. I loved every good, bad and even cruel thing about him. Even when he tore my heart out, I loved him & blamed myself, because he wouldn’t have done it had I not deserved it. I thought he loved me, truly loved me, even though I’m a scatterbrained, sort of crazy nitwit who cries a lot. He even saw that part of me I don’t show people and he still seemed to love me. Because I thought he loved me, I would have given him anything and bent over backwards for him, maybe too much, because he was just so good in my eyes, & I wanted to make him happy. I guess I wanted so badly to make him happy so he would never have to fear getting hurt. If I got hurt, I didn’t care, as long as he knew I couldn’t hurt him ever. I believed every word he said, especially his promise to always come back for me, because even if we got the start wrong, we’d get the ending right. When he was gone (& I realized he wasn’t going to keep that promise), I felt like someone had hacked off a limb, it was like a part of me was gone & I broke down. Me, the girl who didn’t cry when her marriage fell apart, who didn’t cry at the absolute worst moment of her life, just stood there back straight, refusing to give anyone the satisfaction of showing pain, cried like a lost child who didn’t know where to turn. Sometimes I think I’ll always be lost. Never is such a short word but such a long time to live without someone. Ironically, always is a longer word & even longer time, when the one you’ll love always is also your never.

I write about the idea of love, because it fascinates me. The idea of one person who doesn’t share your DNA that you want to spend your life with, are miserable without them and better with them? It sounds so easy but it’s actually so hard. I watch people in love and wonder why it’s not easier. If you love someone, you would do anything to be with them. But no, we let our own baggage, insecurities, hangups, get in the way. We won’t swallow our pride when we fight and admit we were wrong. We don’t tell people when we’re scared.Sometimes we don’t even like that person, but we can’t live without them? People always tell me that you work to make love work, but I’ve never seen anyone do it, myself included. We just walk away when it gets a little hard, then we pretend it’s not eating away at us, but it is. I look at my foster parents, who are still in love after so many years and wonder how we can do that in a disposible world. I could, for the right person, but both people would have to want to and generally that’s not the case, even amongst most of my friends who are married. One is trying while the other isn’t.

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.”

The 2013 30 Day Blog Challenge: Day Nine

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

Day Nine: List 10 people who influenced you and how.

Huzzah! I’m actually writing about y’all!

1. My daughters. They inspire me to be a better person every second of every day. They’re why I go to school, why I try hard to write. They influence everything I do; whom I date, whom I speak with, why I try harder to be nice, my carbon footprint. I want to give them everything in life that they feel would make it better, even the stuff that I just can’t do. Without them, I’d somehow be a bigger screw up than usual.

2. Drew. Drew is my best friend in the whole world. He tells me every day that I am awesome. He isn’t afraid to tell me I’m too nice and God help the person who hurts me. He will coldly shut them out FOREVER and make sure you know that he hates you and will continue to treat you like crap unless I can convince him that it hurts me to treat you like crap. Drew’s opinion matters to me. If he doesn’t like you, chances are you will be removed from my life, because he has a good reason. I trust his judgment implicitly & that’s why some people think we share a mind. Who knows? Maybe we do!

3. My foster father. Arguably the smartest and most awesome man in my entire life, he made me strive to be…anything because I could be anything. I may not have done everything the way he would have wanted me to, but I’ve tried my hardest and I hope he’s proud of me. He’s the standard of which I’ve set men, since my divorce, I’ve only considered men that have traits like my father.

4. The Gleason Table. My good friend and fellow blogger at the Gleason Table is one of two reasons this blog is still operational right now. He reminds me that I need to not give an effing eff and do what makes ME happy and not just let people walk all over me. He’s a good friend and a better man & he brings out the DILIGAF in me.

5. The Texan. The other reason my blog is still running; the Texan wouldn’t have it any other way! She’s a good friend who truly demonstrates God’s love every day by helping people, even a silly Canadian girl who can’t keep her life together. I look to her for guidance on how to love my neighbour and be a better person.

6. The Artist. My best girlfriend helps me strive to be a better housekeeper, something she struggles with too. We’re working together to improve as domestic engineers.

7. My College Professor. She’s a mom, the course coordinator for the journalism program at my alma mater and a published author. I would love to do everything like she does. The day she called me a colleague was the happiest day of my life.

8. Yogi & Dawna, the ASH Team. Drew gets his special spot, but my girls Yogi & Dawna influence me in a lot of ways. From pimping my blog to get me to 10K views to dishing out harsh love life advice, they influence me by reminding me that I don’t need to be perfect, just me.

9. The Psych Major. My Jeopardy partner BFF is always the voice of reason. Rarely is she wrong about the world; something to do with her background in psychology.

10. The Audience of One. When I launched this blog, I had one fan. The most wonderful thing he (anyone) ever said to me was “I’ve read every word you’ve ever written.” Unlike other men, my work wasn’t a hobby; it was my life & he was proud of me. He would help me work, brag about me. He built me up as this thing; sweet, beautiful, perfect, the ideal mate & how badly I wanted to be that thing, because he is that thing. I tried so hard to do it too, but being the tornado of screw up that I am, I failed. Then he said the most hurtful thing any human being has ever said to me, to the point where I wanted to shut down my project (even so, I’m not terribly proud of my current work). I guess he influenced me because I wanted to be the person he seemed to see in me, not the reality of suck that is the real me.

Coming Home

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television

I’ve made no secret about my hatred of the Bachelor, but an article about Emily Maynard & her fiancé Jef Holm got my attention.

In the article (found here), Holm defends his betrothed against cheating allegations & proceeds to claim that his brother is less than honest & meddlesome in family relationships.

We all have friends/family members like that. The ones who meddle in our affairs, offer an opinion where none is needed & in the end, muddle your mind & cloud your judgment. I’ve had a few friends like this throughout my life & during the past few weeks, they’ve made their opinions known.

Some were valuable, some were hurtful & to outsiders, some seemed to stem from jealousy. Too many armchair therapists prompted me not to trust my instincts & do something rash, that likely hurt someone I love very much. I have felt awful for days & I kind of hope it gets resolved happily. Some even went so far as to ask why certain things were the way they were, violating my love’s privacy & making me uncomfortable. Boundaries need to be set & they are being crossed & I know my first instinct is to protect him. I don’t like people butting in on a small scale, because I know my love likes to keep the intimate details of our lives private. So, if I become a lioness to protect the person I love from two or three gossip mongers, Holm must feel more distressed, as he must protect Maynard from everyone.

We all trust the people we love to have our backs when we’re stressed or nervous. Sometimes we get insecure & frazzled & just need that moment of security or a sounding board. But when that sounding board interjects themselves into a situation or clouds your judgement, it’s not helpful anymore. We have to think about how we’d want to be treated in a situation. Would you want a friend/relative to kick you while you’re down? Or would you want them to remind you to trust yourself? If its not the latter, don’t confide in them. They do not have your best interests at heart.

Relationships should consist of two people; not you, your partner & your meddlesome friend who keeps texting your partner to know what’s going on in the relationship they’re not in, or blasts you for feeling a certain way. That’s not constructive. So, while I’m not a fan of the Bachelor, I do commend Holm for attempting to keep gossip & meddlesome folk out of his relationship so it can be between him & Maynard.

The Game

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Relationships

Today while walking to a doctor’s appointment, I had an interesting conversation with a guy needing directions. After asking for directions, he said he could use my phone number. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Me: my boyfriend doesn’t like me giving out my number to strange men.
Creepo: neither does my wife but what she doesn’t know–
Me: I love my boyfriend–
Creeper: love has nothing to do with this sweetheart.
Me: I respect my boyfriend…& your wife.

This guy was well dressed & drove a Mercedes so I’m guessing he’s not used to the word “no.” But this exchange made me feel badly for this man’s wife & reminded me why I’m fortunate to have my boyfriend.

He’s not perfect but he’s honest & faithful. I don’t have to worry when he’s not with me about who or what he’s doing & I trust him completely. I don’t need to hear from him every second to know “we” are okay (I may still check in, but that’s more because I like to know how he is than insecurity, i do it with my friends when I haven’t heard from them in a few days as well). I’m guessing this woman knows her husband’s a cad & panics whenever he leaves the house. My ex husband cheated on me during the course of our marriage & we could never really rebuild the trust. I can only imagine what this woman feels; judging by his confidence level, he has done it before.

What’s the point of wanting your cake & eating it too? All you do is degrade your partner & look cheap doing it. If you’re with someone, you’ve made a commitment to them, the least you can do is keep it in your pants. Don’t blame the other person, they owe you nothing. But your partner does & they should have the decency to not share their body with anyone else.

Relationships aren’t always easy. Sometimes you’re moody & not engaged & every little thing your partner does is driving you crazy. However, with communication, understanding & even space, you can get through those speed bumps together. No one said sharing your life with another person was easy; nothing worth it is easy. But if you can’t even show the person respect they deserve by not sleeping with someone else, then you don’t deserve their love.

Airplanes

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom

Sometimes I like to post randomness based on random hashtags solely for amusement.

Once, it was 30 things about me, then five things I hate. Now, it’s going to be…

*drum roll*

10 places I want to go!

I want to go to many different places. I want to travel the world and see many things, but as I compiled this list I realized that there was more than just a location, some places are events where I just really want to go or see. So, I made the list with that in mind. It’s not always about location, but who you’re with or where you want to go.

1. Disneyworld. My goal in life is to take my littles to Disneyworld and show them Princess Aurora’s Castle and meet all of the characters and ride the teacups and all of that good stuff. It would be a dream come true for them and to see the looks on their little faces would sustain me for the rest of my days. I would probably feel my inner eight year old marking out with joy as well. There’s just something about the idea of taking the girlies there that makes me smile just thinking about it.

2. Antigua. The sand has a pinkish hue, which means it’s a girlie-girl beach! My kind of island! Honestly, if I could ever whip my butt into something bathing suit worthy, that would be my ideal destination for a romantic vacation/honeymoon if I ever chose to walk down the aisle again/girls only resort vacation. There’s a casino for cards (once I finally learn how to play), beaches for lounging and music galore! The idea of lazing near my one true love the sun while enjoying cocktails and island breezes sounds just too perfect; I’d have to be reminded to come home.

3. The Wedding Where No One is Betting On How Long It Will Last. The over/under on my wedding was three years. Honestly, out of all of the weddings that I’ve attended, I’ve only been to two where I thought “Wow, these two will be together forever.” Most people I talk to say they’ve never attended a wedding where they thought that the couple was going to make it for the long haul. I guess in this world of divorce and “Till we get really bored do us part” it’s hard to say that you see the “Happily ever after” at someone’s nups. However, I want to go to that wedding, where it’s two people very obviously meant to be together and you just know that they’re going to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and still be freaking adorable. I truly hope I attend three; when all three of my daughters walk down the aisle.

4. Ireland. I want to travel the country side, drink whiskey with Bono and a guy named Seamus who promptly punches a guy named Galen and someone plays uptempo celtic music all day long! (Yes, I am well aware that U2 doesn’t randomly appear, and bar fights and random celtic pipe bands are not in Ireland, please don’t take this away from me.) My family’s lineage is Irish and I’d kind of like to see my ancestor’s homeland. I think it would be amazing to explore the old castles and pretend I’m some kind of princess (like I do in Casa Loma) and learn more about this country’s amazing history.

5. New Orleans. I want to go to the French Quarter and the graveyards and listen to jazz at night! I have always loved New Orleans and while it may not be number one on this list, it’s definitely my number one vacation spot. I don’t care if it’s Mardi Gras with my zany friends, a romantic vacation to the Quarter (which wouldn’t be fretfully romantic as my boyfriend would promptly abandon me for his date with Drew Brees) or even going by myself on some kind of weird pilgrimage, it would be a dream come true just to go. It’s got to be on my bucket list somewhere.

6. The moment fear is conquered. Maybe someday I’ll finally get over my fear of geese! Honestly, I would love to experience the moment that someone finally overcomes that fear that’s dominated much of their life, whether it’s my fear or someone else’s. Being part of that euphoric moment where the chains that have bound them are broken and the feeling of invincibility because they are no longer afraid is just something that is too awesome. Perhaps if you’ve experienced it, it’s something you understand. If not, think of that moment when you were little and you were riding your bike and you realized there were no training wheels and no one was holding on; that’s the moment. Imagine reliving it as an adult, knowing that fear that held you back is gone and you’re now free. Don’t you want to go there too?

7. A Manchester United Football Match. I don’t watch football. I have a dear friend who has tried to educate me for years. But I don’t want to go for the sport itself; I’m going for the fans! The MUFC have some of the most insanely loyal fans in the entire world and I want to see some soccer hooliganism first hand! I want to bring all of my MUFC loving friends and watch them go from intellectual minds to snarling beasts!  You’ve gotta love fan loyalty, it’s just so awesome!

8. Every province. I want to see my great nation (especially British Columbia). I think it would be awesome to just see each and every province and learn something new about my homeland. I’ve only been to two so far, so clearly I have some catching up to do.

9. Nowhere to do nothing. As someone who spends 95% of their day parenting, researching, errand running, learning, studying, etc. I have always wanted one day where I went nowhere in particular and did absolutely nothing. Literally…nothing. Cell phones stay in the car, car stays parked somewhere and you just walk enjoying nature and the wonder of being together. No one could call or text and ruin your perfect moment and there are no appointments or reservations. It’s just you and the person that you love most in the entire world enjoying the perfection that is nothing.

10. In MY Home. I have a house right now. It’s a pretty nice house. It’s painted pretty colours and I like living here. But someday, I want MY house, with MY name on the mortgage, the mailbox. I want it to be MINE. One of my major goals in life is to buy my own home for the girls and I to live in that is ours. A place that we own where we can plant our garden, upkeep our yard, paint the walls any kooky colour we want. It doesn’t have to be a palatial estate or Barbie’s Dream Home. Just a place in the world that is mine.

Dying To Live Again

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships

I think I’ve discovered the key to getting through life:

Admitting that you have no idea what you are doing.

I know a great many things about a great many subjects, but when it comes to life, parenting or love, I have no idea what  I am doing.

Sometimes I think I know. Sometimes I am more confident than I am about my own name about the outcome of the latest mess my own stupidity has gotten me into but in the end, I am generally learning lessons by fire and hoping that I get it right in the end. Lately, I have realized that my stupidity tends to cost me some of the best things in my life. I make mistakes and generally ruin everything good that comes into my life and I’m left trying to figure out how to fix it so I don’t mess it all up again. I guess that’s why I know that I never know what I’m doing.

I saw this on Twitter today and I can’t help but think it rings true for all of us:

“Most of the problems in life are caused by two reasons. 1. We act without thinking. 2. We keep thinking without acting.”

I am a notorious over thinker. 85% of my “issues” are imagined and the other 15% are overanalyzed. I know many people who do this, invent problems in their mind and over think them and then commit a rash action. Then, they are left with the consequences of said action and instead of simply fixing it, they think about how to fix it. They take back doors to fix it or they leave it unfixed and end up miserable.

Which is why I have decided that the key to life is the admission that we never really know what we’re doing. There’s no instruction booklet or helpful allen key. We’re simply bound by the choices we make or do not make and in the end, we can benefit or cost ourselves everything. If I had any clue as to what I was doing when it came to life, I would be a much happier MHC. Why? Because I would know how to say the right words, find the right openings and generally make things happen. I can do this in my professional life like you wouldn’t believe. I use my journalist magic and poof! Interviews happen and I’m the proudest little editor in chief in the world! But when it comes to making the right parenting choices every time, understanding my friends or loved ones or saying the right thing to ease the minds of those around me who are scared or confused and I will mess it all up like you wouldn’t believe!

But that’s what we do in life; we mess it all up. We hurt the people we love most in the world or who love us most because we over-think the problems. We hide instead of take that brave first step to right the wrongs, or worse, we take some back road, third party way so that someone else will do most of the legwork to get in and fix it for us (I hate this method, but have been known to use it if there is simply no other solution).

So, why not just admit none of us have a freaking clue what’s going on in our minds at any given time? We’re all confused little bunnies, known to ruin good things by overanalyzing or inventing problems, that we’re afraid to tell those we love how we feel for fear of causing a problem when chances are the problem comes from inaction and that we would rather analyze the mess to death than simply fix it, or we rely on historical precident to guide our actions when perhaps we need to step out of our comfort box and take a bold, brash, step towards our own happiness?

Perhaps.

But what the crap do I know? I just admitted that I don’t know what I’m doing!

Old Man

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dear Blank, Douchers, Relationships, support Windsor!

Happy Father’s Day from Ash Multimedia!

Instead of me writing a blog post, I’ve chosen to link an article that I wrote on this subject from this month’s Windsor Social, featuring Penn & Teller! (Shameless plug I know).

This article was inspired by the two most prominent male figures in my daughters’ lives (at the time) and it prompted me to write an article stressing the importance of Father’s Day for the fathers who care, as well as a thank you to those who take their role seriously.

I hope you enjoy it (If the link doesn’t open to the page, it’s page 50)