What is Happiness Anyway?

During a meeting last week, I was told the strangest thing;

“You look so much happier.”

I looked in the mirror for a good 15 minutes afterwards. Do I look happier?

I don’t feel happier. In fact, alot of times I don’t feel anything.

I suppose this is both a good and bad thing. Because I don’t feel anxious anymore. I’m not walking on eggshells, wondering when the next argument is going to start. I’m not curled up in a ball on my couch while the issue of a garbage bag has turned into how fat & ugly & worthless I am. The girls are more at ease as well. I can cook with red peppers again. General stupid things.

But I also don’t feel good. I don’t really feel optimistic all of the time. There are fleeting moments when I think everything’s going to be alright but for the most part, I just kind of do what needs to be done. I still sometimes miss the companionship that comes with being married but even that is fleeting. I am strangely getting used to be on my own, something I thought I’d never be able to do. I spent eight months struggling to end my marriage because I was afraid to be a single mother. Now I’m finding its something I can handle.

The only things that really excite me are my daughters accomplishments and our new home. I can’t wait to be in our new home & start over.

It’s amusing that I look happier. Maybe it’s something I can’t see. It wouldn’t be the first time that I missed something.