Dear Blank – Page 4 – The Misadventures of MHC

Day 22: What My Future Will Be Like

February 22, 2014February 20, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri

In the words of my future husband Adam Levine, “I’m not a fortune teller, I won’t be bringing news of what tomorrow brings.”

I always had a clear career path, I’m going to be a reporter, even if I just freelance on the side and I was going to be a Mommy. But the rest, I never really planned out. When I was married, I let my husband sort of control our future. The one thing I wanted was to live here in Windsor so I could work for my magazine. After the divorce, I had a picture in my mind of my future. I knew who would be my husband and what our house would look like and I’d work in a law firm and as a reporter and he’d work in management and the kids would attend music lessons and we’d hire a cleaning lady because I’m not exactly Suzy Homemaker. I got so caught up in this idealistic future this person & I spun that when I lost it, I struggled with finding a new plan.

So, I decided that I had no plan.

Nope, no plan.

Besides my job, my plans to find a new magazine to call home and to raise my girls, I quite literally have none plans. I fully intend to just live life from day to day and enjoy them. If my true love magically appears in my life; great! If not, oh well. If I interview 50 more celebrities, fantastic! If not, I’ll still be the princess of telecommunications and that’s fantastic too. Obviously I’ll plan for my daughters college funds and my retirement savings, but financial planning is just smart. But aside from that, I’ll let the universe help me find my path. I know what I want for my life and that it’ll all work out when the time is right.

This is the best way for me, because there is no pressure, no timelines, no nothing. Just me and my girls and my friends enjoying my life the best way that I can.

Day 20: What If?

February 20, 2014February 20, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

I used to wonder this a lot.

What if I had been more understanding of my ex husband’s mental illness? What if I had treated my boyfriend better? What if I had just spit the words out by the water? What if I hadn’t befriended that person on Twitter? What if I hadn’t introduced our friends? What if I had been nicer to people? What if I had kept my big mouth shut? What if I had stood up for myself? What if I hadn’t wanted my kid to spend their first Xmas with their dad? What if I had kept going to the gym? What if I had tried harder to be a better friend? What if I hadn’t have walked out of that exam? What if I had just switched seats on the way to the art gallery? What if I hadn’t entered that contest, even though my intentions were good? What if I hadn’t left the bar?

It went on & on. Then, one day…I stopped.

While I was wondering “what if?” my life was passing me by! My girls were growing up & I was missing it! So, I stopped wondering, as none of it would change the current outcome. But what would was coming to terms with it, hence my summer of cathartic blogging. I got it out & I refocused my energies on me & my girls & I don’t wonder anymore. It’s helped me become a happier person.

If things are meant to turn out a certain way, they will & nothing will change that. Nothing I do will change it. The universe will make it happen. So, I’ll just continue to be happy & let it go, just like Queen Elsa of Arendelle told me to do.

The universe will put things as they should be & I’ll just ride out life while pursuing my dreams of being the best mother & journalist I can be while the universe puts everything as it should be. When that day happens, I’ll understand why everything else happened & it’ll all make sense. But until then, I’ll just enjoy the ride.

Protected: Day 19: A Letter to A Former Lover

February 19, 2014February 25, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Day 18: Something I Miss

February 18, 2014February 18, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, ASH Photography, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I miss lots of people in my life.

I miss my father, who died when I was a little girl. I miss a little boy who was just a baby when I saw him for the last time, but I struggle to discuss that even now. I miss children that I’ve never even met, because they had to go before they came into the world. I miss my best friends Gigi and Meghie, because they live 2.5 hours away and I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like and sometimes, I feel like digital communication doesn’t always properly convey emotions, sarcasm, wit & not to mention all friendships need that face time & I miss girls’ night & daiquiris. But there are two people I miss more than most and that’s my former best friend and a little girl.

I loved that little girl. I loved her as much as if she were my own little girl and she loved me. My absolute favourite memory from my time in this house was after I finished writing my second semester transcription exams and my girls were playing with her and her dad in my backyard and she saw me before anyone else and she ran to the gate to meet me, giggling and laughing and gave me the biggest hug. In that moment, we felt like a family and I can honestly say, in that moment, I was the happiest person in the entire world. During this past year, my therapist actually questioned if I missed her dad, or her. (I thought I knew the answer, until the incident at Thanksgiving that left me fleeing a bar in tears made me reevaluate). But I do miss her, especially when my youngest daughter asks for her. Fortunately, she asks less and less now that she has her new BFF Josy. But every couple of weeks, she will ask when her friend will come over and play with her and Josy and her little face still crumples when I remind her that she’s not coming over anymore. I know why I can’t see her anymore & it’s what’s best for her. I know that she’s likely forgotten me. I’m glad for that, for I know how much it pains my youngest when she sees a silver, two door car go down our street & she gets so hopeful. I hope she’s happy & healthy & has a wonderful life. I know that this is the best way, but I miss her so very much and the night @ the bar, I bombarded my companion with questions about her; had she grown, was she healthy, does she still smile that giant toothy grin when she sees a camera, does she still look just like her dad, did she still sing the word “no?” I wanted to know about her more than anything. But, unfortunately, part of life is learning that sometimes you lose people that you love, which also meant this little girl. I also learned what I can handle, & while I would have loved to be this child’s stepmother & help raise her, I know that I cannot date a man with kids. I’m too afraid of once again getting attached to a child that can be taken from me when the relationship goes to Hell. This was a good learning experience for me, if nothing else & I’ll take the lesson into my future relationships.

The other person is the person I used to call my life mate, who was my favourite guy in the whole world until he got sick of my being super depressed and found out that he lied to me about a whole bunch of stuff, including telling me to wait for the little girl’s dad, we’d work it out. For months, I let my anger fuel my refusal to miss him, because I trusted him and he lied to me over and over again. I felt betrayed. But one day, after a long period of months, I got thinking that maybe he lied because, in his mind, he was protecting me. He didn’t want to see me hurt, so he wanted to make it better. But, his lying kept me living in misery, and as my life continued to fall apart, he kept the lies up and I kept falling apart. I thought about it though; I was a super crappy friend. I was so miserable, missing a man and a little girl and flailing at school and struggling to live without journalism. I literally hated my life and I wanted something to make things better and I leaned on him so hard to make things feel a little better. So, he lied, trying to give me a silver lining. Yes, it was cruel, but his intentions weren’t. Sometimes, I want to apologize, but then I think about how he deserves an apology but I’m always the one apologizing & he’d need to apologize to me too. I was a miserable friend; but it takes two to wreck a friendship and when he wrote me the “break up” letter, he barely acknowledged his part. It was a lot of how he and another friend were blameless, and that’s not how things work. It takes two to mess things up. Just like it took two people to sever the tie that took the little girl out of my life, it took two people to wreck our friendship, and if he apologized, I would accept it and maybe he could accept my apology. He & I could talk and he could see that I’ve found my own happiness without anyone and I like my life. The Pirate Princess could tell him about her shoes. We’d go to Starbucks and laugh @ the hipsters and I’d text him tales from the new city and one name would forever be banned from conversation. But, I doubt that would happen, so I just prefer to think that he’s happy with his life. I hope he meets an amazing guy and get his six coloured wedding. I hope he does well in his career and takes a million pictures and expands his portfolio. I hope he knows I’m not mad about his actions anymore, because I understand that my actions helped him make the choice to do that and I own those actions and I’m sorry. But most of all, I hope he looks back on all of the memories and smiles.

That’s the one good thing about people; we remember. I’ll always have the awesome memories with my life mate. I’ll have the flowers from his promotion, the birthdays @ Hoi. I’ll have the blue Darknuts being stupid, the Hedley concert and our Valentine’s day date @ Olive Garden & Maroon 5. I’ll have the moments on his porch, walking his dog and the time he embarrassed me @ Chili’s. All of those plus the other memories will go with me wherever I go. I’ll always have my memories of that little girl and I can take them with me wherever I go and remember these people as the good people I loved and will always love and hope they’re happy in everything they do.

Through the Dark

December 8, 2013December 12, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

***I apologize in advance that this is all kinds of ADD. I have about four things that I’m thinking of and they’re all like minded. We’ll see how this works out.***

My decision to start dating again had a lot to do with the fact that I was interested in a guy I met casually by chance. He was cute, seemed funny, and he was the first man in 15 months that appealed to me…until I got to know him. We had literally NOTHING in common. He didn’t care for pop culture (you know, how I makes my livings when I’m not schilling phones), thought the media was biased, only liked documentaries, and didn’t understand how one good song makes life magical. So, when I mentioned that maybe we were meant to be friends, he said his only interest in life was me…ew. I like having a life separate from the men I date. I don’t like us sharing friends, I like being able to go out with my friends if I want while he’s out with the guys, no asking “permission,” etc. So, it was curtains.

That’s how it works. One tiny mistake, or tell me one thing I don’t like and out you go. I guess it’s why I recognize it in others, because it’s what I do. My friends tell me it’s because I’m still standing by the water, frantically trying to say the right thing (without saying the one thing I cannot say), stammering with tears trying to fix what I didn’t know was broken, but the truth is, I’ve always been fairly closed off and now it’s worse. My best friend the Psych Major mentioned that because she didn’t feel nutured as a child, she loves to cuddle now. I’m the opposite. I’m detached. My marriage wasn’t a love match and I’m afraid of going through the motions and finding myself wishing I could blow out my brains than spend one more second in this loveless joke where we fight and hate life. I’m also afraid to fall in love. Because if I do, we’ll plan a life and he’ll leave me…and I’ll have to start over again. Because I’m hard to love and I don’t want to fall in love and risk them leaving me again. I’m scared of giving someone my blind, unconditional love & them throwing it back in my face like it was nothing…like I was nothing. I’m sure eventually I’ll get over that fear, I’m working on it, but right now, you likely are sent packing after that one mistake.

My girlfriend challenged me about my love life and I realized I’ve always been the dumb girl with the long term crushes, aside from that guy in high school I crushed on and Gigi and I laugh about it to this day. My first crush was on my friend’s boyfriend’s brother when I was 15. I crushed on that guy all through high school and when I ran into him at the beach 4 years later, I jumped @ the chance to date him to make my ex boyfriend jealous (Trust me, I learned how BAD an idea that is). That boyfriend I was interested in for two years before I made a move. My ex husband was the only guy I sort of just fell into a relationship with. Even my quasi attraction to my former best guy friend simmered for a year and even then, there was another man that held my interest, so much so that I was a total bitch and wouldn’t even add him on Facebook because I was married and I shouldn’t have been thinking such impure thoughts. I’m always a long term, awkward, I want this but I’m too chicken to do anything sort of girl.

This made me think of the kinds of men I would want and I realized that it’s a guy like Christian Bale.

It’s not just because he’s the hottest guy on the planet. It’s because he tears up talking about his loving, supportive, patient wife Sibi Blazic. He doesn’t need to flaunt her and his daughter everywhere. In fact, no one even knew his daughter’s name until a couple of years ago. He wants to keep their marriage private and away from the meddlers and the instigators. He even cut his mom and sister out of his life to protect Blazic from their unkind thoughts. He adores her, worships her, is happy that she accepts his temper and physical transformations for work and the separations and loves her. He loves her so much that he breaks down in interviews talking about her. Candid photos show him opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, etc. They do their charity work in private. He may yell @ sound techs and sound like a douchebag in interviews, go through dramatic weight losses (the Machinist) or gains (American Hustle) to play a part, but the reason Christian Bale is the hottest man on Earth is because he respects his wife and daughter.

So, I want someone like that, but I’m so afraid that if I fall, they’ll leave me like everyone else I’ve driven away by you know, the crazy. So, I want someone to share my life with, but I won’t look, I hold them to unrealistic expectations, send them packing the minute they displease me and I still leave that front light on. This probably means I shouldn’t be actively pursuing a relationship, so it’s for the best that I’m not. I just don’t know how to let go of that fear of that boring, blah life that I hated or getting my heart broken again. Also, part of me likes my life. I like being alone. I love being left alone. I like that I’m home almost every night. I like that no one is nitpicking my life under the guise of “helping me.” I like that I talk to my friends once a week or so and I’m good. I like that I play with my kids and hang with the angriest tween @ night and I sleep alone and sprawl like a starfish. For my entire adult life people have controlled me. First my ex fiance, then my former husband, then my own best friend (which everyone noticed but me) and I don’t want to give up control of my life. If I could have my independence, and a partner, that would be kind of awesomesauce. But I don’t feel lonely, like there’s a void. So, these are the new things I need to work on so I can continue to be the most awesomest MHC I can be…or unless Christian Bale calls (although he breaks my dad rule). I also need to get this move done and out of the way and get situated in my new life before I think about adding anything to it.

But I think it’s a good thing. It’s good that I’m not afraid to be alone. I don’t fear life thinking I’ll die without a companion. I love my life & I love that it’s MY life & that I do things MY way. I love that I make my own choices & I’m working on loving my body image & I’ve even embraced that I’ll always be a little skittish, a little anxious & that I need to work on those things. I needed to work on not allowing my friends to take over my life, interfere because I’m a shy bunny who needs protecting. I needed to learn that I matter too & I can’t expect someone to make me happy because I give them the world. I have to make me happy. But I like me & that will help me when I’m finally no longer gun shy about falling in love again. Because I know I’m awesome & you should too. Like Katy Perry said recently, this time helped me love me so that the right person can love me the way I deserve & I’ll find my John Mayer (only not Douchey) & we’ll realize that “Who You Love” was about us too.

Mirror

November 17, 2013May 23, 2014 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

A good friend of mine sent me this article last week & I’ve been reading it & rereading it for about a week.

I guess it hit home because it could have been written by…me (save for a few parts, as the article references adultery, which was not an issue & some of the character definitions were a little strong. But the jist of it).

For a year I struggled to get over the man I thought was so amazing, but everyone, even his best friends said was a psychopath & a jerk. I just recently wrote a sobbing piece because I love him so much that I would literally do anything for him & he wouldn’t do a damn thing for me. This came after he told my friend he was coming back for me after a year of healing. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. But now, I think I understand.

There was NOTHING I could have done.

He’s too damaged.

He’s too broken.

He’s a narcissist who uses women to feel happy & then crushes them to rebuild an ego broken long ago. He’s as bitter and broken as everyone said. I am very flawed, but this wasn’t me. I could have been PERFECT but it never would have been enough. Like my girlfriend said that night, “he’ll always just want more.”

So, I’m going to do what I was unable to do for so long. Not just because I had been conditioned by him to believe he’d come back, but because of all the things the article said. I feel better, knowing it took others just as long to heal. But now I’m going to find someone who loves me & wants to make me happy too. Because I deserve that.

I can’t promise follow through if he were in front of me, but I would never initiate a conversation if I saw him or even go over to say hi. No. But I’m not going to punish myself for his actions anymore. He proudly manipulated me. That’s him. Not me. It’s not my fault that he’s that person that destroys people. I gave him the best I had; not perfect, but I tried. By his own admission, he never put in a single ounce of effort. He was happy & then when he got spooked, he made the choice not to talk to me & push me away. HE chose to reach out right when I was moving on & then watch my heart break from the sidelines, boosting his ego. He didn’t have to put my friend in the middle, further straining my relationship with someone I’m wondering how much of a friend they were. He could have called, sent flowers with a card, come to my damn door. But no, he needed to feel loved & I was an easy target . He likely needs help (& I wanted to help him so badly), because my friend was right, he’s everything she said he was & I was just another notch, while he was the love of my life…for now. But like 80% of the population, he deflects it on to the women he crushes. Always them. Never him. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to him. It’s all I wanted to be. I forgave all the jerk stuff. The number of times he walked out for no reason. Gave him a free pass to walk back in. I made mistakes, sometimes I needed reassurance. Sometimes I overreacted. Sometimes I pushed too hard to get to know him because I was so afraid that he’d turn out like the others & physically hurt me. I let my own past scare me & I would get afraid that he’d walk out again that I would try too damn hurt. But I was good to him & his child, better than I had been to any man. But, it’ll always need to be more. Even after all of this time & his claims he manipulated me for fun, etc. I still believed that he was the facade he created. But now I know they were right. He is everything they said & not worth the tears I cried.

So, I’ll meet someone & they’ll be the one. Or the one that sticks. But it doesn’t scare me anymore. Because he’ll never love anyone, not me, not himself, to evaluate why he continues to hit & run, only to look back & reach out & hurt me over & over. I used to believe that he loved me, & that he needs to work on himself because he leaves all of these people in his wake, & that I wanted to help him figure out why he did this to himself so I could give him the emotional support he needed, but I think maybe my friend is right & he’s too screwed up to love someone (or himself) & be happy. He’ll never love anyone, not me, not his child, not himself to admit that underneath all of the narcissism & bravado & vanity, he hates himself & still asks “what if” about every choice he makes. He punishes himself so much for past sins & women for the mistakes the one he loved first made & had he let me in, I would have helped him have the life that he wanted. But he’ll never admit that he hates himself & always hide behind his ego. Every woman will fail him, because he wants everything & nothing & complete control & to never have to make a choice to be second guessed & judged. He’ll never let someone close enough to him to let him see that he doesn’t need to push everyone away, he doesn’t need to play the jerk womanizer. He’ll always want perfection (while giving next to nothing) & no one is perfect. He’ll never see that someone loving him the way he wants isn’t “clingy” or “too invested” & he’ll always hold onto to the ghosts of the few women he did love & that hurt him (or that he hurt) & use that as an excuse for why he hurts women. He’ll always do this, to every woman & hide behind the masks & he’ll never truly be happy. Somehow, that is the saddest part of it all. Because he deserves to be happy. Not “happy with me,” but happy in life, even if his source of happiness was tearing me apart for sport, because while he may have lied, I didn’t. I only wanted him here if he wanted to be, because he loved me & because he knew that no matter what happened, I’d love him unconditionally & I’d do anything to make him happy. But if he didn’t want that, then I wanted him to find what he did want. I only believed it was me because he always found a way to talk about me, observe me. I never chased him, he sought me out, to the point where it strained my friendships because they felt in the middle. I let him go, just like he asked, but he made sure I knew he was around, just close enough to keep his hold but not enough to be here. I didn’t think it was a game; I thought he loved me & didn’t know what he wanted. I thought he was torn between doing the right thing & his own selfish ways. He always said I knew him better than he knew himself, so I thought if I just waited & lived my life, he’d sort through his desire to be the “family man” & “the man whore” & his love for me & my girls would win out in the end. I wanted to give him every chance to come back, finally let me in & I would love the person he truly was. I knew how hard it was for him & I was going to love him so much that he never had to feel like anything less than my Prince Charming. Had he ever shown up, he told me to tell him no, but I wouldn’t have. No, I would have told him that I love him & I understand. I will always understand & I’d hold him & tell him we made mistakes, but we’ll learn & get through it. I was going to give him whatever he needed to feel happy & comfortable & he’d finally have what he always wanted; someone who loved him enough to make him a priority, & look past all of the self sabotage, love him when he’s his worst & take the meanness & see the man he truly is; the vulnerable & sweet person who just wants someone to love them but fears losing them or letting them down, so he has to push them away, hurt them, break their heart so his will never get broken again. I wanted to show him that as he got closer, he wouldn’t get hurt, because I couldn’t hurt him, because it’s not in my nature. Even now, I couldn’t hurt him because I’m in love with him & want him to be happy. I could never have hurt him on purpose & had I by accident, I would have done anything I could to make it up to him. I was going to love him enough to make up for all the women that broke his heart. But, in the end, he’ll always pull away so he doesn’t get hurt again. Kill or be killed…& I got slaughtered. He lied; I didn’t. I meant what I said; I love him & only want the best for him, because he is a good man somewhere in there. The man I love was real. So, I’ll choose to remember the man I love, and not the man he showed me he really was and someday, I hope he becomes the man I saw, because he’s amazing & could change the world. He is the sweet, gentle man I fell in love with & he could be so much more than he allows himself to be, if he would heal the wounds that forced him to become what he is; a broken man who refuses to let anyone near him & pushes away everyone who truly loves him in favour of boosting his ego, not realizing that if he would let someone truly love him, he could be happy, the greatest ego boost of all.

Shallow Days

September 27, 2013September 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media, Television

Spoiler: Do not read if you have not yet watched the season premiere of Glee.

I rarely watch television, but there are about four shows that I enjoy & one of them is Glee.

I was disappointed that I missed the premiere (as I was on a train heading home from house hunting), so I followed along on Social Media & was delighted to read that my favourite couple, Kurt & Blaine had reconciled & were now engaged. As I read the details of the over the top proposal, I read people everywhere demanding a proposal like that, which reminded me of a recent post on one of my favourite blogs, Mommy Man, sharing my disdain for over the top marriage proposals. (Something I mention on this site regularly after the finale of the Bachelorette)

I do not find them romantic; I always feel like that Star Wars character that screams “it’s a trap!” After all, your whole family is there, or an arena full of people, or a flash mob & they’re all staring @ you waiting for an answer, so you have to say yes or you’re an asshole. Then you have to plan a wedding, where the bride is the centre of attention & everyone is staring & critiquing everything, & everyone is mad because so & so wasn’t invited or the bridesmaids hate their dresses & nothing is about the celebration of two people joining their lives, it’s about this party that’s worth the down payment of a house & the whole process freaks me out. While it’s sweet when Blaine plans this for Kurt, as the world of Glee is meant to be over the top, I’d probably stand there, deer caught in the headlights & then puke.

I caught up with an old friend this week & we were talking about how she & her partner are in no rush to wed because it just works for them & she reminded me that even when we were kids, I was never the “wedding” type. I always said I wanted to elope & we would just tell people when we felt like it. I’m not good with commitment; I’ve discussed it twice. Once with the sudden proposal & I spent my entire engagement trying to get out of the wedding, including nearly jilting my ex-husband @ the altar. I got my amazing daughters, so the union wasn’t a total wash, but it’s apparent that marrying him was a mistake. The second time we made a plan & the closer we got to the planned date, the more I panicked. Were we ready? Were we skipping steps? Too fast? Too slow? Do we really have to have a wedding where people will quietly judge me for being married twice? Can’t we just stay in the place we are in the relationship & just remain, because the person was right, but the timing of the engagement plan is all wrong. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person & that’s why it freaked me out. Or, I self sabotage. Whatever.

I’ve often wondered if I fail being a girl because there is no dream ring, dream wedding on Pinterest. I know my limitations & commitment is one of them. I’d either need to be engaged for a million years or one day, where the person I love shows up @ my door & tells me that no matter how much of a mess the rest of life, our relationship might be, loving me is the right thing & we just elope that day. Maybe that’s the key to relationships; keeping everyone else out, which is my big beef about these elaborate proposals. I’ve learned that sometimes, well intentioned friends & family members will butt in to your relationship when times aren’t pretty & it’s up to the two of you to keep them out, because then your relationship becomes the source of third party gossip, with someone else’s hyperbole & is usually completely wrong. Ignore them, talk to each other. You’re killing the trust by listening to your friends & family (or theirs!) over your partner. It’s okay to talk to someone for advice, but I’ve learned you need to limit that too. So, by inviting them all to your choreographed, Bruno Mars lipsynched proposal, you’ve invited them to be part of your relationship. While it’s sweet that you want to share that moment, the choice to make a lifetime commitment should be a private one, the celebration (the wedding) can involve family. When my marriage was falling apart, I had so many people offer me advice because “I was at your wedding,” so obviously they knew how to fix it. Generally, when I’m fixating, I just want a sounding board. I don’t want advice from the peanut gallery, as it makes my mind more jumbled.

I think I’m more like another Glee character, Emma Schuester (nee Pillsbury), who just cannot handle the pressure of a big, public commitment & giant wedding. The actual choice to share my life with someone will always freak me out, even if it feels like the right person. Emma jilted her fiancé Will because the wedding & the choice freaked her out & they went back to dating. They later wed in the choir room, with only their students present. And while it might seem lame to most, the idea of myself & my partner (& the legally required two witnesses) being the only ones present when we make a commitment (after I’ve breathed in the bag) sounds better than all of the flash mobs, dance numbers & Beatles covers in the world.

Barricade

August 6, 2013August 10, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television, WWE Wrasslin'

I actively avoided Twitter last night because it was the finale of my least favourite show, The Bachelorette. I don’t think I have stressed enough that I HATE this franchise of drivel & would rather be stabbed in the eyeball than listen to one more person I know tell me it’s romantic (and more ranting here)

When I did go on, imagine my shock when my TL was not riddled with vomit inducing drivel about Neil Lane baubles & poetic garbage (personally, I was more engrossed in the ongoing love square of WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee, Dolph Ziggler, Kaitlyn & Big E Langston. If Imma gonna watch crap, I watch crap that I know isn’t real), but instead it was “What the actual eff?!”

Apparently Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock has told Brooks Forester that he was the one she wanted ~~until her contractual obligation to ABC was done~~ & he left her, saying he was in love, but not enough. Hartsock wanted to quit, but instead chose to accept a proposal from Chris Sigfried instead. One comment on my TL that stuck out was “…& that kids, is how we settle.”

I settled once & while it produced three amazing children, the scars it left on my ex husband & I know no bounds. He says he can never truly meet anyone else because I broke him & I genuinely believe I deserve to be treated like crap by the masses & I deserved the physical & emotional abuse because I’m an awful person. When I did meet the person that I believed was the one & he left, I opted to remain alone until I no longer feel like he was the one. I refuse to settle again. I don’t need a person, I want someone who completes me & someday, when I’m ready, I’ll meet him. I won’t hurt a man by dating him when my heart & mind are somewhere else. I also wouldn’t want that person here out of guilt or obligation, because that’s not love. That just hurts the person I love & that goes against everything I want when it comes to him, which is to be happy. So, I sort through all of the emotions in a way that I can have a future, with someone or without & in a candid way that is sometimes more honest than it should be. But, it helps me understand where I am & where I need to be. It’s not for attention (like Layla El, continuing my WWE comparison), it’s about coming to terms & muddling through. I’m not three, I don’t need attention. Besides, I’ve found that the people most accusatory about people wanting attention are the ones screaming “look @ me!” “Pay attention to me!” because they hate themselves & want to drag everyone down in a quest to feel validated. You know, LIKE PEOPLE WHO GO ON THE BACHELORETTE.

Sigfried will watch his betrothed weep for a man & then claim to love him enough to spend her life with him DAYS LATER. Apparently Forester & Hartsock’s reunion last night was riddled with tears & tension & ~~people who watch this crap~~ fans speculated that Hartsock still loves Forester more than her fiancé. How can Sigfried feel comfortable, knowing that he was choice B & in such record time? It’s not like the others, where the Bachelorette was conflicted; she had chosen & he left so she ~~hopped herself on Valium &~~ decided to marry him? How can he feel comfortable with their future?!

Settling doesn’t help; it hurts you & the person that you feel you’re helping. You’re not throwing them a bone, you’re making them feel like they need to be thrown a bone. I want someone because they can’t get me out of their heart & mind, even if they’ve tried. I want to be with a person who needs to know what I’m thinking so badly, they’ll go to any lengths to find out because they need to know if they’re on my mind. I want to be with someone I can love even if they’ve said & done hurtful & hateful things (& vice versa) & we can get through even the most insurmountable odds as a team. I don’t want someone because it makes sense, I want someone because its the right thing, even when sometimes it’s a mess & isn’t perfect or a fairy tale. I want someone who is willing to put the most broken things back together, deal with my general self-sabotage & insecurity & bottling up of real emotions to nitpick. That’s what everyone deserves & Chris Sigfried isn’t getting it & that’s actually kind of sad.

It’s so sad that I feel for someone on the Bachelorette. Ew.

My Blog Beats For Love

July 17, 2013July 26, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I love my children, even when they are being mouthy pains in my butt.

During summer vacation, the crew often holes up in my bed in the mornings, usually @ 4:30am because my 3yo wants to play “Grumpy Birds”(I often wake up to find her playing hahaha).

Well, they were playing with my phone & my 6yo says:

“What’s Oke?” (It took me a minute to realize what she was asking. She was pointing @ an app on my phone)
“Oh. Um, it’s an app Auntie _____ signed me up for (& flirted with guys for me) so that I could make new friends.”
“Like e-harmony?”

My 12yo’s ears perked up.

“WHAT?! NO! YOU CAN’T USE THAT!”

Later that day I discovered my account had been deleted, as was the app. I began to give my daughter a lecture about stealing Mommy’s phone while she’s in the tub & how sometimes people have to go, blah blah blah, hope they’re happy & I got this.

“Why? No one cares that we’re not happy. The right thing is the thing that makes the most people happy & you & Blank as a family made us happy, G happy, you happy & him happy. He said it all of the time when I was eavesdropping; no one made him happy except for you. He needed to marry you because he was so happy. Now only he is happy. How is that fair? If this was right, everyone would be happy, not one person & if they were a good person, they’d want to make us happy too.”

Then she threatened to take off on her dad, show up at his work & tell him that he promised that we could have anything we asked, so go home with us. I threatened with groundings & no camp. FYI she still hates me. I’ve reached a point where I say “yup, I know, I’m awful. Now check the attitude.” I think I’m handling it rather well.

I guess I taught my daughters tenacity too well. They want one person (much like me) & since I’m the worst liar, they see through my statements of wishing him well, blah blah blah. They know I want him here as much as they do & resent my inaction. Of course, I’m a grown up & know if he wants to be here, he would come back for me. He would do what he said & swallow his ego, his pride & be with me. I won’t reduce myself to chase a person (I will write about my attempts to move forward though. But I do get a lot of comments from people appreciating my candour, as they’re in the same boat, so maybe it’s helpful). I don’t want someone out of guilt or obligation. I want them to be where they want to be. So, I’m trying to muddle through life alone, bowing to the peanut gallery & allowing myself to be forced into dating again & opening up the prospects of finding someone who will suffice, or maybe Mr. Right (even though I met him & blew it).

But how do I introduce someone new to the girls (which wouldn’t be for a year @ least) when they appear to have their mom’s stubborn streak & only accept one person? They come first & if they don’t like the man in my life, well it’s curtains for him. Obviously, that date with the substitute teacher is on hold permanently, as they’re just not ready for the idea of Mom having male friends (12 even resents my platonic male friends, because they might get ideas & ruin it for when he keeps his promise & comes back).

I guess I should be thankful that they are capable of loyalty, even if it is misguided. Their devotion to the man they wanted to be their stepdad (& who told them he would be) is very sweet. I also feel guilty because I didn’t tell them anything right away. He had left & come back so many times before that I just believed that he would. It was always the same; he’d leave, talk to me after a period of time claiming we should be friends & then after we talked, he would profess his devotion to me & ask to be with me. My friends said it would be the same, so I waited, my now ex best friend said it might take up to a year, be patient. So, I was. Then when they said that they lied (& blamed me for their callous disrespect. I don’t miss them, nor will I. Own your own deceit), I was forced to finally explain that there would be no more Blank, no more G. So, now we’re here & I feel so guilty, like I broke my kids.

I don’t want them to get attached to another man, just for him to leave us. I don’t want to meet anyone else, I’m still in love with him. The girls want him & I’m sort of outside looking in wanting to please everyone but I can’t & living with the guilt of knowing I hurt my girls & stupidly wondering if it would all go away if he came back, even though I couldn’t really trust him to stay.

Welcome to parenting, MHC style. Sometimes it ain’t pretty but it is what it is. Unfortunately, we’re learning to muddle through together & hopefully we’ll all get through it & be happy.

Last October

June 22, 2013June 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I have a hippie friend.

I love my hippie friend. She is strong, brave, wise and generally sorts things out for me that confuse the eff out of me.

Well, lately I’ve been trying to sort through some stuff & I didn’t know how to understand it, so I went to the hippie and the unlikeliest of sources.

I’ve had a bit of a falling out with some close friends over the last year, three to be exact. While one of them & I are reconnecting a bit on social media, her & I not being as close as we were has been kind of a sore spot with me, because I missed her. While outwardly, I acted like it didn’t bother me, my counselling sessions and chats with the hippie often mentioned my longing for my friendship with her, the support, the brutal honesty, the mutual love of cats and her adorable son. I wanted to apologize for sort of passing the buck about a few things, not adequately explaining what was bothering me, etc. but didn’t know how. The absence of regular conversations with this friend affected me. I was in a funk, my grades slipped, my heart was heavy. Combined with the end of a relationship with a person that meant so much to me, it was hard to pull myself out of the doldrums and I became Debbie Downer, which for anyone who knows me knows that is not me.

However, I later learned two of my best friends had lied to me about a lot of things because hurting me was mean or some such garbage and we’ve kind of distanced ourselves, to the point where the friendship seems to have ended. However, there was no despondency. There was a lot of focus on self-improvement, a lot of realization that I spent a lot of time saying “Well, they think…” and I realized how few major life decisions I have made on my own since the divorce. However, I didn’t feel that gutting agony of them not being there. I just kept on working. I got a job…and another one. My grades went up. I focused on losing weight. I felt more confident in my choices. I’m not saying that they are bad people, in fact, they’re amazing people! But right now it seems that they don’t fit in my current life plan and strangely enough, I’m okay with that. There is no tears or begging or that feeling of desolation and hurt. It’s just “Oh, well that’s cool. Hope they’re doing well.”

I asked the Hippie why and she said “some friends do not impact your person they are more peripheral? You enjoy them but they do not enrich your world and your life. Some people make a contribution to your world and they may not even be friends, but you are profoundly hurt by the loss of them in your life.”

While the friends made a positive impact in my life, things slowly changed and now the trust just isn’t there anymore. Meanwhile, the friend who I got annoyed with for being well meaning and even brutally honest & the man were the ones who enriched my life in deeper ways. It was the friend that I missed more than anything, even when I was annoyed. It was her birthday message that made me smile on the worst day ever. It was her random comments here and there that I would reply to. My children still long for that long lost person, that person whose departure from my life broke my heart in ways that I didn’t know could be done. The one I waited for months for, because I didn’t want a future without him, his child & his goodness. Because these people are a “person of value,” not just a friend.

I asked my ex-husband (because after all, the person who’s known me for almost half of my life should know something about me and despite the acrimonious split, for some reason, I still ask him stuff and vice versa. I guess it’s because deep down we know we still know the other one well) why the loss of some people just doesn’t seem to bother me and throughout my life, there have only been three people whose departures have affected me long term and he suggested that maybe they belonged in my life. I missed my friend, that’s why her picture is still on my wall. I didn’t bat an eyelash walking out on a long term union, but “nothing broke you like the loss of that man. I wish I could do something to help, especially for the girls’ sake, because you were all happy then.” “Person of Value” was actually a term that he used to use. While yes, we had friends in Windsor, none were valuable, I wasn’t valuable. His family was valuable, the people he’s met online are valuable because they enrich him in some way. I’m glad he’s found “Persons of value.”

I don't love easily, or very well. But when I do, it's a choice that I make, knowing that it's irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up without them. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love them when they're long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself. — I don’t love easily, or very well. But when I do, it’s a choice that I make, knowing that it’s irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up alone. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love when you get nothing back, to love when they are long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself. I love only a handful of people like this, & I know I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, because when I made the choice, I knew I couldn’t reverse it. It was agape, always love.

I have a long time best friend who was a “Person of Value” to me. We had a falling out over a misunderstanding and we would only sporadically talk for 10 years. Finally, she messaged me on Facebook and we are talking again and it’s great. I feel so much happier with her presence in my life again. The years she wasn’t around, I missed her friendship, her bluntness and her constant “What do YOU think? You have to live with the choice,” which challenged me. My other high school best friend is another “Person of Value.” We’ve always kept in touch, but she is definitely one of my closest friends and role models and I love her for being in my life.

So, while I may not have all of the “Persons of Value” in my life again, it’s nice to know that I’m not weird for only truly wanting certain people in my life and not really mourning the rest. Maybe someday, the other friends will be a part of my life again, when fate dictates that we need each other. Until then, I wish them nothing but happiness and good health, because that’s what they deserve.