self love – Page 13 – The Misadventures of MHC

Make You Smile

February 7, 2016February 7, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Sometimes I realize how ill equipped I am to handle stress in this province of cows.

For the last two months, all of the things I came to use to overcome stress weren’t there. You can’t sit amongst nature when it’s nuclear winter. You can’t go to the gym & lift heavy when you can’t support your weight on one leg. I felt under a microscope at work. My identity was that I was someone else’s. I sometimes felt like I worked, raised the girls & slept. I want to do so much more than work, pay bills & sleep. I want to be a role model to my girls. I want to be a good friend. I want to be a capable partner who stands on her own two feet, and that my person can see that I want a life of my own, in charge of my own life, not just to be theirs, as that’s never what I want. I want to be physically & mentally strong. Without my normal stress relievers, I felt like I was burning out.

So, I talked to my friend Gleason, who reminded me of how good meditation can feel. I remember it for awhile, and then forget. Thanks to Sarah, I’ve discovered some great new music (Elle King!). And I even bought one of those adult colouring books. I laughed at them, but they do a lot to relieve stress. And of course, writing. Lately, I’ve worried about people reading too much into my blogging. I write whatever I’m thinking in the hopes to give myself clarity, not necessarily “this is what I want right now.” I just know I struggle with asserting myself, and with anything deep, so I write to avoid over thinking and self sabotage. But maybe I need to stop baring my soul so much. Maybe I need to be more guarded about my feelings. Maybe I need to stop assuming that people care when I open up & get personal with them.

Maybe I need to stop talking about that.

In the end, I need to focus on dealing with my own stress levels & get through it on my own, for me. I chose to move away from my support system. I can’t rely on them. I need to remember who I am. I am a bad ass. Tomorrow is my first trip back to the gym after two months. It’ll be intimidating, and exciting. I got a chance to enjoy nature for the first time in forever. It was so nice to just have me, my music & fresh air. And if I get stressed at home, I’ll colour. I’ll work at work & continue to do well. All good things. And once again, I’ll feel like I’m kicking ass & taking names & setting a good example for the little ones that look up to me, which is what I want most in life. I love them & I want to set a better example for them. I want to grow because I love myself & want to evolve for me. For the first time in awhile, I’m focusing on my own needs so I can be a better woman. Sometimes I give so much to my girls & the people I love & my mom & my brother that I forget about me. I need to remember to nuture myself.

Part of adapting to a new life is learning that I can’t do things the old ways all of the time. I can’t always get around trees or lift heavy things. I may not always have friends to talk to. I’ve got to adapt. So, I’ve been learning to adapt & find ways to be a better mom, writer, friend, partner, and woman. Because that’s what life should be about; getting better, learning to be better, and treating people better. That’s all I want for myself; to set a better example & love better.

Let’s Get Lost

February 4, 2016March 15, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, My New Life As Me

This has been a great week.

I met my company’s Vice President & he was very impressed with my abilities, my performance. My District Manager told me that my warm, bubbly personality was a hit with customers. That she got rave reviews from my manager before she left. I was a huge asset to the company. I was so proud. I work really hard & it was nice to know that my company sees that. I love my job. I like my electronics team. I’m proud of how hard I work. It means a lot to me that they are impressed by my performance.

I also went to my follow up appointment and aside from some swelling in my kidney, the inflammation in my hips has gone down & the infections are cleared. While my hips are developing arthritis, I can still train & have a normal life. All of that resting & medication that made me anxious & nauseous finally worked! I’ve also received the formal go ahead to return to crossfit, as long as I start slow! I’m so excited about this. Crossfit is a huge part of my life, so not having it has been brutal. Getting back into the Crossfit community is going to be awesome. I’m excited. When I got the call on Wednesday about needing to go in for an ultrasound (after having had Xrays) & more tests, I left work early in tears. I’ve been so afraid of what might happen that I cried at work. It was pathetic. But I’m a single mom; sick time is not a thing. I was afraid for my budget, my income, would my company understand? But now that I’m finally recovering, I can focus on health & happy. I won a massage gift card at work, so I’ll be doing that next week too. I feel like I’ve earned a me day.

My mom is getting her ID (I’m paying for it) and she’s getting ready to move out. I’m a little scared about money, but I’ll figure it out. We won’t starve. Maybe luxury items will be fewer, but we won’t starve. I’m sure I can afford this house on my own. If not, I’ll downsize in the summer. But I’m excited to have a positive home once more.

And finally, my cousin George sent me the first pic of my dad that I’ve had since he died. It means a lot to me that I can have this in my home. My dad was so special to me, so I can finally show my daughters who he was, as well as talk about who he was.

It’s funny how last week I was worried about my health & scared & this week I’m getting praised by my employer & getting good news about my health. That’s the joy about dark times. They’re temporary. In the end, there is only good. It’ll be nice to get back into that routine, doing things I like, that make me a better person.

I always strive to be a better person. I want to treat people better. Love more. Work harder. Be nicer. Do good for others. I don’t ever want to not be that person. Sometimes, I need someone to be that person for me, & I’m so lucky that my three best friends are always there for me when the chips are down, even 2000 miles away & I love them. Thanks for being rad.

The important thing is that tough weeks don’t last, tough people do. And I’m pretty tough (except for my left kidney. It’s still pretty vulrenable). So, I’ll keep working hard and making the bosses proud. I’ll keep working to stay healthy. And I’ll keep thinking everyone has it in them to be a good person & that life is always beautiful.

Rule The World

February 1, 2016February 1, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

January sucked.

That’s all. Just sucked. Everyone I love had things to deal with. My life sort of fell apart & I don’t even know what’s happening with any of it. But I refuse to be made to feel like I cannot do the things that made me happy, so I’m gonna write about stuff that helps me smile & screw everything else.

Since I was little I’ve never handled anger well. I simper & cry & beg them to talk to me & I beg them to forgive me & I’m always the only one trying. Ew. First of all, I’m a legit bad ass. I may run out of bad ass, but there is always more. I’m the most beautiful, witty, funny, articulate, and patient person I know. Those who know me should feel blessed to have my love & friendship. I am a prize, not some snivelling wimp. Nope. But yet, I keep falling back into old patterns when people get mad at me, because I value people more than ego. But I need to be the woman I am; strong, bright, beautiful, I need to get mad. I need to know I can stand up for myself. I love who I am. I fought to become her. And those who say they love me love her. But I need to know that I can be myself & stand up for myself & be heard. I’m also not afraid to own my mistakes. If I fucked up, I’ll own it. Right now, I need to value my ego. And I need to focus on my health & well being. I matter. I matter a great deal. And I deserve to feel like I matter, even if it’s just to myself. So, I’ve decided that my life matters to me & I am going to start making it better.

The physical aspect is hard. I have to trust doctors. I have to wait. I can’t exercise. I have to stay in bed on my days off. This makes parenting a little challenging. But we are getting it done because I’m a bad ass.

The next was mental. I’m reclaiming control of my life. I’ve let too many people control it & I’m tired of walking on eggshells to please them. That’s not who I am. I need to be myself. I need to be able to get angry. I need to be able to assert myself & have that assertion respected. I need to be able to resolve conflict. So, I started resolving the number one conflict in my life.

My mom has been the major source of my stress. She’s negative, doesn’t like it here & her relationship with the girls is becoming emotionally abusive. My friends keep telling me how grumpy she is all of the time & the last straw was when she made my 8yo cry in front of her friends by saying she didn’t care of her beloved cat died. My mom wasn’t a loving mom to me as a kid, I ended up in a foster home for a reason. That reason is why I pick myself up when I’m sick to go to work. Why I cry at 3am. My daughters will know their mother’s strength, not her weaknesses. And I will not allow them to grow up around poison. So I told her when my lease was up, she was moving out & I would stand on my own. My daughters will grow up surrounded by joy alone. And I won’t let them feel hurt or slighted. Her negativity left me with a feeling of having no control in my life. I want to be in control of my home. So I took it back.

The next was I called about counselling. Clearly being here alone with only a handful of close companions has taken its toll on me. I felt like I was relying on my few friends to be my support system. I don’t want that. I want to be in control of my own happiness & I am. I saw a dog with a puffy tail. I’m so happy because I saw that puffy tailed dog. When I get back to the gym, I’ll set PR’s. But until then, I need an outlet to focus on retaining my independence. So I started counselling again. I don’t feel badly. I’m not ashamed. I want to be the kind of person I can be proud of. When you struggle, you ask for help or you destroy everyone & everything you love. I love my family. I want to be better for them. So, I’m going to retool myself to be better for them.

I will not be controlled, by my mom, by life, by anything. So, whenever I feel like someone or something is trying to control me, I will stand up & take steps to become stronger, more bad ass & the people who truly love me will love me for it, like my daughters, who get a better example to look up to.

Focus

November 19, 2015November 19, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

When I went home to visit, I swore that I wouldn’t want to come back.

After all, I had been so incredibly homesick that I was sure I’d be so happy to be home that I would start plotting my return. But, by day three, I missed my littles & my love & even my cat. I texted my boss saying I was excited to come back to work. I was working on an article. I was ready to go back to “real life,” while also trying to stuff my best friend in a suitcase.

It definitely wasn’t because I wasn’t having fun. I was having a blast! My friends & I had the best time. There were drinks (including my boyfriend buying me a drink from two time zones away, because he’s adorable), Cards Against Humanity, bad movies & great conversation. But, with the exception of my old gym, where I felt right back at home, I realized that life moves on when you do & my place is in Cow Province.

My best friend is planning her own cross country venture. My other girlfriend is running a business with her husband. Everyone has their lives now & we’re settling into them. And me? My life is here, with my littles & my writing & (at the risk of scaring myself back into my groundhog hole & him away) my love. I’m stealing his words to explain how I feel about my life, I hope I don’t get sued for plagiarism. One night, I asked him to find more time for me, then promptly apologized because I am me & he is busy & works so hard. I told him I didn’t want him to take away from his actual life for me, to which he told me that his daughter & I are his “actual life,” and as long as he has us, that’s what matters. Visiting is fun, but I want to live my actual life with my daughters & my writing & with him because that’s the life that matters.

I like my job. I make good money & my team is super rad. The Federal Election jaded me on my profession quite a bit, with their political bias, so I could be content freelancing for magazines while I work full time…for now. I still apply, but I could be content having the best of both worlds like Hannah Montana did back in the day. My girls are such awesome tiny people & I feel like I’m setting a good example. It’s not perfect, but it is my actual life & it’s pretty rad.

But the best part of being home was talking to my friends about their lives. My best friend is so excited about her potential opportunity. She’d have a new position & better earning potential & she’d be really happy. My other close girlfriend & her husband are so deeply in love & it’s so awesome. My other girlfriend is helping her family find a new office for her family law firm. My former coworker & his girlfriend just bought a house together. My old coaches are thriving in their personal and professional lives. I believe the best part of life is watching others succeed & seeing so many of my friends thriving in their lives warms my heart. Keep on kicking ass my dearest friends, even if I didn’t get to see you. I love that you’re all living life & killing it. I loved catching up with all of you.

And for me, it was a nice break from the stress of balancing motherhood, working two jobs, a personal life & sanity. My kids were safely in the care of the person that I trust most in this world. I got to enjoy much needed grownup time with all of my most favourite people. But when it was over, it was nice to cuddle up with the person I love most in the world & prattle away about my vacay (while half asleep) as we drove home…

…back to my awesomely awesome “actual life.”

General Admission

October 22, 2015October 22, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I had an epiphany.

I SUCK AT TIME MANAGEMENT.

The root of all my anxiety is simply a lack of time management, or mom guilt.

I was talking to my best friend Melissa after having a complete meltdown about I’m not even sure. Like, nothing in my life is wrong. I have a pretty rad life, but here I am bawling that my life is stupid & falling apart. But it’s not. My life is good. And I displace my anxiety into irrational fears that have no basis in reality, because those are fears I know, things I’ve experienced & I panic. But as I got talking to Melissa, I realized that what’s bothering me makes a lot more sense;

I feel like I have no time.

My days are long, so I try to balance my time for my kids & myself. But I feel guilty, if I go to the gym because that’s my time for the girls. But then I get stressed because I’m not taking time for me. When I first got here, I found time for me. I spent time with nature. I went to Crossfit. I went running. I found time for myself. But as school started and then I switched jobs…AGAIN (which I think upsets me for fear of lack of follow through, which I then displace into fears about my personal life, even though I’m actually afraid I’m hurting my long term earning potential by jumping ship so much), I found that I’m constantly juggling time with the girls & time for myself & I am finding less & less time for myself in the pursuit of money, something that doesn’t really motivate me, but I find myself worrying about more and more as winter is coming.

I felt like this once before, back when I was working two jobs & struggling to find time to do anything & during that time, I was doing just what I’ve been doing now; panicking about things that aren’t real; analyzing everything, stressing about the move. Again, because of money. Every time my life focuses on money, I feel like I have to sacrifice pieces of my life to find time for other pieces of my life & in the end, I end up stressing about money, which is my least favourite thing in the world. But because my life has a strong foundation for the first time in forever, I start panicking and wanting to shake the walls to make sure they don’t fall down. Erica called me on it tonight, telling me that I’m almost trying to drive away the people I want in my life (including her) because it’s what I do when I’m stressed out, push people away. But in reality, it’s simply that I feel like I’m juggling my life and dropping balls. I missed my deadline for my magazine because I was working so much & it sent me right over the edge. I came here to write. Why was the thing I hate most (my real people job) getting in the way of my journalism career, time with my family, Crossfit? My trip home might be delayed because of work. The job that makes me money to live seemed to be destroying all of the things about my life that I love most, but I have to tough it out because my resume will suck. I literally couldn’t deal or explain it to anyone. It just came out that I feared change or fear of abandonment. I just couldn’t adequately explain that I felt like my professional life is taking me further from everything most important to me.

I’m constantly pushing aside the things that make me happy to try and make more money, which is the antithesis of my personality. My life is about being optimistic & happy & building my best self. The past two weeks I’ve been my worst self (and to those who have listened to my incessant whining & crying, I love you so very much. Thank you for being in my life & loving me) because I feel like I’m sacrificing the best parts of me to support the most important people in my life. But I won’t be a good mom if I’m damaging my psyche to support them. I know that the more I sacrifice my emotional needs, the more I’m damaging my abilities to be a good mom & person.

This week, I started shifting my focus back to the bright eyed optimist I was when I got here, and was just excited to spend time with my family & my loves. I did this by shutting out everyone. It was very deliberate & not because of hurt feelings or anger. It was a way for me to recharge my batteries so I could be the best MHC I could. I got a massage. I went for a walk near the river valley. I mostly avoided social media (except Snapchat because my kid is using it again so I use it to pretend I’m not just watching her snaps) & all calls & texts. I just needed a break from life so I took it. I’m making it a point that I’ll be in the gym a minimum twice a week. Every night I’ll spend 20 minutes doing yoga & focusing on positivity. And my day off while the kids are in school will be spent enjoying nature & coffee & Crossfit & writing & all MHC things. Why? Because I need to focus on my independence and ability to keep in control of my own life & set a good example for my girls. I’ll focus on my writing, as my blog is generally for me, to keep me sane. I’m glad people read it & love it, but it’s my outlet to help me understand my emotions, nothing more.

I’ve changed literally every aspect of my life in the last 10 months, sometimes several times. I’ve switched jobs five times. I’ve switched provinces. I went from very high walls to shut people out to tearing them down & sharing my life with someone. I always managed to keep some sort of constant during these changes; like I kept my job when I moved here, just a different store. But now everything is all new. Learning to navigate through these changes can have its ups and downs, especially when you’re someone who struggles with change. I need to slow down & just remain in this stage of my life for awhile, with no need to move from here. But, if I allow myself to make myself a priority, then I’ll be able to focus on what I do best; being awesome. So, I’m making myself a priority, somewhere after the kids, journalism & the cat because she’s a needy bitch.

Distance

October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I envy you chill people who never worry about anything.

As someone who has long suffered from anxiety, I envy how you can just adapt to new situations. I wish I was that person more than you know, because I can’t.

If I switch jobs, I panic because I’m back on probation & could end up unemployed & then what happens to my girls?

If I move, I worry about how I’ve ruined my life.

When I’m in a relationship, I worry that if I’m anything less than the perfect, understanding girlfriend, he will leave.

If I’m ever the unpleasant, bitchy friend that doesn’t want to hang out or isn’t completely understanding, I will have no support system.

Welcome to my mind.

Generally my mind is a happy world of unicorns & rainbows & everyone is happy. Kind of like the world of UniKitty in the Lego Movie. I revel in positivity. I pride myself on my optimism. I just want to be happy & for everyone around me to be happy.

But then there is the other side that I control with fitness, nutrition & sleep (all of which I haven’t been keeping up with) that becomes terrified that everything will go wrong. The side that overthinks, over analyzes, reads too much into things & seemingly sabotages her own life.

I remember on Saturday apologizing to my boyfriend for feeling overwhelmed & struggling to explain why all change freaks me out, and not being able to. I apologized for wanting time alone with him & even last night I was talking about why I shouldn’t ask for much from anyone because I can go through periods of anxiety & they can be taxing. Yes, they can. And I love my good friends & family so much because they’re there when I need them. And it works in reverse. I love that my boyfriend understands why I get this way & loves me enough to see that the person I am, that loves him so much & tries to be good to him means more than the fact that I struggle with trust. But I shouldn’t have to devalue myself or apologize for feeling a certain way. But I do. And I need to stop.

I am not perfect. I am never going to be. But I’m pretty rad. I would like to think I’m a decent parent. I would like to think I’m a good friend. I think I’m a good partner & treat my boyfriend the way he deserves. I absolutely deserve to be happy. And yes, nothing about my life was what it was four months ago. And yes, that scares me. Sometimes it scares me a lot. But I would like to think all of the good that I offer far outweighs the times that I’m anxious & scared. And I’m tired of apologizing.

Women are conditioned to apologize for EVERYTHING. We apologize for wanting random flowers or to be told we’re loved (I pride myself on being the anti-girl, but sometimes I want those things). I actually apologized for being alive this week. We’re taught it’s to defer power, but I don’t want to defer mine anymore. I’m a little nuts. That’s okay. But I’m not sorry. It happens & the more I try to pretend it doesn’t, the more it happens & the more I write about trying to fix it, the less it gets fixed. So, I’m going to accept it while continuing to do the things I know that help; fitness, nutrition & proper sleep. Oh, and the power of positivity. I’m not going to worry about what if, I’ll focus on what is. And that is what I tell myself when I feel this way, that I have three rad kids, awesome friends, an amazing boyfriend, a job, a roof & a skill I’m passionate about. And I’m not going to hide from anxiety anymore. I’m going to be friends with it. I’m going to hang out with it, let it have its voice, but also explain that the other emotions need to be in control, like Joy. But most importantly, I’m not going to apologize anymore. I’m MHC & I’m too damn nice. I talk too much & I care way too much about current events & pop culture & sometimes I worry about nothing. But I refuse to keep trying to stifle the thing that sucks to try & be perfect, because then I’m not giving the people I love a chance to love me for me.

So, here’s your chance kids.

Bright Lights

October 10, 2015October 10, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

I have a confession to make.

Despite my attempts to get in shape, I no longer weigh myself.

I know I’ve gained a little bit of weight since I moved and attempted to adjust to a new time zone and schedule and gym, etc, but I don’t worry about how much. Instead, I focus on making little changes here and there to ensure that I’m staying healthy. Packing lunches, working out, etc.

I used to weigh myself every single morning. My day would be made by what that number said. That was the first six months of my weight loss journey. Every morning, that number. But I realized that I was letting that number define me instead of my progress. My pants were smaller, my face was thinner. I had more energy. My back no longer hurt. I don’t get migraines as often anymore. Why did that number mean more than all of those things? So, I stopped weighing myself and focused on building a healthy body in a way that still promoted body positivity for my daughters.

I believe in health, not thin, or “fat positive,” as I keep seeing on Tumblr. I think we as women need to buck society’s image of beauty, as it is skewed on both sides. Being morbidly obese or too thin is not good for you. We need to stop focusing on those numbers and focus on the healthiest body type for us. When I started going to crossfit, I wanted to work to be thinner. After a few months, I realized that wasn’t what I wanted; I wanted my aesthetic to be strong. I like the feeling of knowing I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. When I finish something that a year ago, I wouldn’t have been able to do, I feel very proud and I love that feeling and I like working towards that feeling of accomplishment. But I’ve also learned that strong =/= thin. I had to change my thinking. So, if my thighs are bigger, or my arms not quite lithe, that’s okay. I will never be the fashion industry definition of “thin.” But, I will be healthy and strong and a good role model for my daughters, as I’m not just embracing my body, I’m loving it enough to put good food into it (most of the time) and work on it to keep it running so I’ll be a part of their lives for a long time.

Which is why I ditched the scale. That number was hindering my progress. I was letting it define me instead of why I started working out in the first place; to build my self esteem and like myself better. If that number was hindering my progress, and becoming the source of my self worth. I’ve long made it clear that only I determine my self worth, not my friends, my boyfriend, or a number on a scale. Me. So, I decided that I didn’t care. I’d just keep on doing what I wanted to do in order to feel stronger and be healthier and that scale could just gather dust. As long as I’m happy in my own skin, that’s all that I need.

Gold in the Summertime

October 9, 2015February 16, 2016 by maryhelenc, posted in Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

I’ve started to realize that when you’re in love with someone, there are various types of love.

There’s the super giddy, romantic, “Oh my God you are so incredibly perfect,” love. There is the super sad “I miss you so very much” love. There is the unconditional love that comes from realizing your lover isn’t perfect but you embrace their flaws. There is the friendship love that comes before you are in love, and now I’ve discovered a new one;

The “I like living my life with you” love.

It’s no secret that I don’t do relationships well. Or commitment. Or love. Or anything involving feelings. I hate feelings. They’re dumb. They make me anxious. They freak me out. Just the mere mention of marriage makes my teeth clench up a little bit. However, I’ve realized that I’ve always skipped steps in relationships & I don’t want to skip them anymore. I want to enjoy every single phase of my life with this person & let things evolve organically.

Previously, my relationships were fast paced. I was engaged after three weeks. We didn’t live together before the wedding, but we worked together and he was at my house pretty much every waking second except to sleep…and all we did was fight. Or I cried about the fighting. So, I always equated that part of a relationship where the honeymoon stage ends and you just get comfortable as “omg he’s losing interest, he doesn’t love me anymore because we’re not all lovey dovey and pukey and what is wrong?” Or “Dear God, what happens if we get in a fight? It’ll get violent or ugly or he’ll leave!” I was terrified for the chaos, the fighting, the violence. The only love I’ve known was chaotic, except for the person I am with now. I didn’t know how to effectively convey that I was afraid of that and I had never been in a relationship that just progresses when we are ready and not because it was essential. My friends at the time were all fast movers when it comes to love, so they too had skewed views of relationships. The questions of “it’s been six months, have you had the talk about where this is going?” This exacerbated my fears of what marriage represents to me, which is fighting and anger and a loss of identity. My married friends tell me that the right person will fix all of these things. But why do they need fixing? I feel like the right person gets that the piece of paper just freaks be out. I don’t want to talk about it, I want to live life until we’re ready to make a change. And my love should mean more than a piece of paper that signifies commitment. Does that really make me selfish?

Anywho, I’m rambling on. Let me get back to my point.

Over the last couple of days, I’ve spent time with my partner doing domestic-type stuff. We bought a table from Ikea for my home & put it together. He drove me to the gym. We spent a good hour laying in each other’s arms not talking, just enjoying that moment. I enjoyed it immensely, but it helped me realize something very important; that I finally understand that comfortable “I’m in love with you, but I genuinely just enjoy your company,” kind of love.

I am crazy about my significant other. There is no one else I would rather be with. He is smart, he’s funny, he doesn’t find my random bouts of panic or crazy frustrating, he thinks they are just a part of who I am. He’s loving and kind. He listens when I talk. He’s affectionate. He knows how I think. He respects my boundaries and understands that my fears when it comes to love are very real and he’s patient enough to walk through them with me. But I have no desire to marry him. I have no desire to change any aspect of this right now. I love right now. Right now is wonderful. We are building our respective careers. I am adjusting (sometimes very poorly) to my new province. I want to work on my portfolio and learn to drive & have built a successful career at my day job. I like that I get my space to do my own thing sometimes. But I no longer fear the “this is good, let’s stay here.” I like here. I like that here will progress when we are ready to move from here and it’s okay that I have no idea when that will be. Truthfully, I don’t want to know, I don’t really think about it, I want to be just as surprised as you are. I like random days of nothing. I like that we don’t talk every day, but when we do we pick up the conversation right where we left off. I like that we can talk about everything from our careers to our deepest thoughts, or laugh about stupid things.

But mostly, I like that I’m not afraid.

For the first time in my romantic history, I am not afraid. I cannot promise that this will continue forever, or even until next week, but in this exact moment, I am not afraid. I am not afraid of the future, because I know who I’ll be with. I’m not afraid of the present because it’s a really lovely present. I’m not afraid of the past because I know things are very different now, not just with him, but with me. I was afraid, but when I was overwhelmed with my life & terrified that he’d leave, I turned to him & he listened & helped me feel loved & for the first time in my romantic life, I feel safe. I understand that men resent this label, but I think it would be the best thing. I feel secure with this person. He builds me up. Celebrates my accomplishments, from fitness (even though he thinks Crossfit is dumb) to my career. He helps make me the woman I want to be. And I’m really happy with him. And because I am happy, I want to enjoy being happy. I don’t need to change anything. Not every moment needs to lead to something deeper. Sometimes it’s just a good day or a great conversation.

You can love someone very much, you can know you belong with them, but also not be ready for the end result. I always thought there was something so wrong with that, but now I know there isn’t. I know who I should spend my life with, but that doesn’t mean that has to start right now. Right now, I just want right now. I don’t just love my boyfriend; I like him. I like his company. I like talking to him about mundane, day to day things. I like joking with him. I like that I can tell him anything & vice versa. I like all the coupley stuff we do. But I learned that not every relationship needs to be a whirlwind. Sometimes it can just be a gentle breeze that guides you along, and that suits me just fine.

Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way

October 4, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

After the week of suck, I’ve done something I haven’t done in a long time;

I broke down.

There was an attempted robbery at work. My teenage daughter is so resentful of her dad’s lack of interest in her life that she has decided she never wants to talk to him again & won’t pick up if he calls anymore. My hip has been injured so I’ve been hurting. My youngest has been ill and I had to ask my eldest to leave school early to watch her until I got home. By the end of my shift, I was just miserable. I ended up crying all night, feeling isolated and alone. I felt like I’m alone in the universe, with no real friends here. For years, I’ve handled everything on my own like some kind of warrior, and every one tells me how I’m so strong. I didn’t want to be strong anymore. I just wanted someone to shoulder a part of the load with me.

I cried all night. I cried all morning. I just didn’t want to be homesick or alone anymore. I didn’t want to be the single mom who handles all the decisions. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t even want to be a parent for an hour, because I don’t get the luxury of being a parent when I want women to think I’m sensitive or because my parents ask where my kids are. I was literally broken.

But I learned I wasn’t really alone. My best friend Melissa texted me until very late her time trying to help me feel better. My other best friend Erica, my Texan PIC called me from the road enroute to Dallas for surgery to check in. And my wonderful boyfriend sat on the phone with me for an hour, despite being sick as 100 dogs to remind me that he loves me, he is right here in the city and he will do his best to make this easier. My mommy message board told me how hard I was trying. My oldest friend Gleason offered encouragement & Damanda offered to book my flight home hahaha.

Suddenly, I realized that while I am far away from most people, I’m not really “alone.” I have the best friends in the world who are still right by my side even though they are a zillion miles away. I have friends I’ve never physically met who are always there. I have a loving & gentle man who always knows how to deal with my bouts of lunacy in a way that makes me feel safe & loved. He protects me by reminding me that I can do anything, but on days when life beats me down, he’ll be there to help me back up. I am a very fortunate person. And that helped remind me that while it can be a hard road, I’m the only role model for these three girls. I’m their only parent, their lifeline. I’ve gotta get up & put on pants & kick the world’s ass until I’m the most amazing MHC I can be. So I did.

I may be weathering the storm alone sometimes, but I’m certainly not alone in the trenches. My people are right there with me, whether it’s to calm my addled mind or to tell me I’m the effing sun, like we’re Dr. Meredith Grey & Dr. Cristina Yang, I’ll never really be alone as long as they are there.

The Document Speaks for Itself

October 2, 2015October 2, 2015 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dorkdom, Life, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

A lot of times, when I write about my life, I get weirded out.

There are always valid reasons for my weirded out-ness, such as “I hate talking about myself in a way that makes me feel vulnerable.” There is the “people I know read this shit & will text me about it or they’ll think I’m totes crazy.” I also feel like I spend a ridiculous amount of time writing lately because I am fretfully lonely for my Windsor/Sarnia/London friends. I’ve made some rad friends here so far, but I find myself missing home, so I use my blog as sort of a security blanket. This brings about the concern that people would rather read about me than engage in conversation or stay connected to me, like I’m some sort of zoo animal. Yes, I analyze literally everything.

I have a point, I promise.

I’ve decided that since I’m just going to keep using my one outlet as my way of feeling less isolated from almost everything that I love, I may as well use it to be a better person. So, I’m being more open about all the things that make me less than perfect MHC. Why? Because I want to be a better person. I want to be some kind of hybrid of the person I am and the person I was before. Still bad ass, but nicer. I really feel like the whole purpose to being alive is to grow and evolve and be kinder and gentler to our fellow man, etc.

Anywho, I wrote a whole bunch of stuff about why I suck at trusting people. I guess that was the first step to me actually being able to do it. But again, I felt weird because people I know read this crap. People I love. People who mean a great deal to me. And my mother (waves to my mother). I don’t want the people I love most to read about my thoughts on my blog. I want them to talk to me (although my good friend Gleason thinks it might be good for people to read my weird thoughts, it’ll help them understand my mind better and therefore make those relationships stronger). I don’t want them to think that I don’t trust them or that they need to coddle me or make me feel secure, because I don’t want that. I honestly just write stuff because I feel happy when I write stuff! When anything bothers me in the slightest, I write about it & feel better! It’s like an extension of who I am as a person or something. Also, people I do not care for in the slightest read my blog (waves to ex husband) & I don’t want them to make my attempts to grow & become a more confident person fuel their narcissism. I began to worry. People I know read this. People I care about read this. I do not want people I care about to get upset that I am writing about my life in great detail because I’m lonely and homesick and I write about stuff to fill the void. Instead, I got texts from my friends, who said they could relate. They feel the same way sometimes. They struggle with trusting people. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. They just didn’t know how to tell people without feeling crazy. Suddenly, I felt very sane. Which was nice. Thank you, fellow crazy people for helping me feel united in our crazy.

But I guess the best feedback I got was from my friend Gleason. He basically told me how I’m always putting the needs of my daughters, my friends, my lover, my mother over my own and it’s perfectly okay to feel insecure or like all the things that went wrong before will again. But I’m very lucky to have the ability to be self aware enough to start to fix the things about my personality I want to improve upon without it destroying my life in the process. So, I should be proud of myself for having a talent that makes others think and want to improve. And I can appreciate how fortunate I am to have an amazing family, a loving boyfriend and great friends and find happiness on days where there are none. By being able to see all of the wonderful things I have helps me continue to be positive when things aren’t and he’s lucky to have me as a friend. All of these things are totally rad.

So, thanks fellow crazy people for reading my blog & telling me that I’m not crazy. Pretty sure I am, but I’m pretty sure that’s okay. Because even though I go through periods of loneliness or rejection (by newspapers), that’s all part of life & I can turn all of those things into positives to improve who I am. Yay!

And if all else fails, I provide y’all with entertainment.