Pubs & Single Life Downtown

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Last night I went out for the first time as a single woman.

It was a friend’s birthday party & while it was fun catching up with friends, I found myself very ill at ease with myself by the end of the evening.

It wasn’t the company; my friends rock and are alot of fun. It wasn’t the losers leering at me while we were walking down the street. It was the fact that I was downtown.

I’ve made no secret that I loathe downtown. I hate the 19 and up, drunk douchers who hit on everything in a dress while drunk girls compete over who can find the guy who makes the most money. It’s actually pretty gross. I would tolerate it maybe three times a year for friends with the idea that my husband was the buffer between me & the gross losers. Fortunately, the pub we went to was for the more mature set (25 +) & there were no issues, but I guess the idea that I was out at a bar for the first time in the part of the city that I hate the most was a little intimidating.

There’s the mom guilt of going out as well as the guilt of being the stereotypical single mom who parties, even though I rarely do.

So, when does the guilt go? Is this a normal single mom moment? Much like the rest of parenting, there’s no handbook for this & I’m trying to figure out how to do this the “right” way.

Time to Kick My Own Ass

by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, My New Life As Me

May 31 came & went.

By the time the clock struck midnight, I was something I haven’t been in months: optimistic.

I’m not sure what brought about this change. Maybe it was a pep talk from my fellow MAMA’s helping me stay on the path of strength. Maybe it was lattes with Drew. Maybe it was a kind blog comment. Maybe it was a heart to heart with my best friend.

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When Final Is Finally Final

by maryhelenc, posted in My New Life As Me, Relationships

For the last three weeks I’ve struggled with my new life on my own. It’s been hard & it’s been confusing but there comes a turning point where you have to say “I know what to do now.”

I know I might seem like some kind of teenybopper, whining about the end of a relationship on the internet, but I hope my posts are giving you an insight into how one person struggles to find who they are after their marriage is over.

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Keep On Moving On

by maryhelenc, posted in My New Life As Me, Relationships

A good friend told me the longer I’m removed from a bad situation, the easier it would be.

While it does get easier, it’s also getting harder.

I’m moving from the home that I shared with my husband and daughters for the last three years. Leaving the matrimonial home is bittersweet for me. While I’m escaping all of the bad memories (the hole punched in the wall), I’m also leaving all of the good (bringing my youngest daughter home from the hospital). This was the home we planned on living in until we grew old and there’s something final about leaving it. However, I am looking forward to building a new home and life with my daughters in the new home we’ve looked at. There’s going to be fresh paint and new walls and it will be easier to build a new life.

I’m trying to help the girls through as well. They’re coping like rock stars and for that I thank God every day.  I worry though that they’re burying their feelings and not really coping with the changes.  They’re the one thing that keeps me going forward, the reason I get up in the morning on the days that seem to hard. I feel like I need to be superwoman to show them the inner strength  I didn’t show them while I was married. When I was married I was a simpering waif who catered to my husband’s every need and want. Now I want to show them how to be a strong, independent woman but then I feel like an oxymoron because I’m also thinking about moving forward with my romantic life. While I’m so not ready to date and quite happy getting to know myself, I can’t help but think about how hard it’s going to be starting over. I have three daughters that are my whole life, any man I see will have to love them and love me. I don’t want to go through the cycle of ending up in another relationship that turns ugly, so there’s alot of fear there. I’m also afraid of rejection. What if I meet a guy and he’s amazing and the girls love him and I adore him and it turns out he has a girlfriend or just says no? How to handle the rejection?

I feel very selfish right now, which brings alot of guilt. I’ve never thought about myself and what I want before. Obviously, the girls needs and wants come first, as I am a mom first and foremost  but for the last 10 years it’s been what my husband wanted or needed. Even when the marriage was ugly for the last year, it was what he wanted. Now I’m trying to do what I want and it’s hard because I still think about how it will affect everyone else. I want everything about this work out in a nice neat little package for me, where all of my dreams come true but I’m understanding it’s not that easy. For the first time ever, I don’t care what other adults want, I just want everything to work out to make me happy and everyone else be damned. Is that terrible?

I’m seeing my counselor today and hopefully she can help me shed some light on this so I can feel normal. Until then, I follow the logic of a very wise fish and “just keep swimming”.