Today should be my eight year wedding anniversary.
However, it’s not. Instead it’s another day on the calendar. This pains me more than anything else in the entire world, as being with my husband made me so happy. I can’t help but think back to that rainy spring day when we took our vows. For some reason, I can’t think of the days we fought, like last year’s anniversary, when we fought because I felt fat and he told me I was a whiny crybaby and I bawled for three hours.
I can’t remember the bad times today, just that I desperately want to be celebrating what was one of the happiest days of my life with the man who pledged to love and protect me from harm until death parted us. Obviously, we didn’t factor in mental illness and how to stop the one you love from harming you. I simply didn’t prepare for my marriage to be over and now I’m struggling.
I don’t know how to move on with my life and find happiness again. Everyone says “There’s someone out there for you” but I’m starting to think everyone is full of crap. Every divorced woman I know lives alone and bitter while the man meets some younger woman and ends up with everything. I don’t NEED another relationship, I’m just tired of the vague “Everyone has someone and sunshine” stuff. I need something tangible to hold onto.
I know, I sound so emo but the thought of putting myself out there to get hurt by ANOTHER man is just too much. I’ve already been knocked down and then kicked while I was down by men I trusted more than anyone else in the world. How do you just get right back up and find someone else? I just feel like they’re going to kick you too.
I’m just tired of hurting I guess. I want to feel normal and happy and like my old self. Not the scared little wife who didn’t dare speak for fear of outraging her spouse. Not the sad woman who feels like every day is sadder and sadder until I’ve reached the peak of misery. Not the bitter person who believes every man is a liar who is incapable of follow through because I simply am not good enough. I want to feel like myself; a smart, vibrant woman who dare I say is kind of pretty who deserves alot better than what I’ve been given.