Dorkdom – Page 7 – The Misadventures of MHC

Man in the Mirror

February 1, 2013February 3, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“THE thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge.”

Everyone who knows me well knows my favourite author in the entire world is Edgar Allen Poe. One Christmas, my ex husband bought me a copy of my “favourite” Poe story (the Raven), only to have my friends tell him in unison that its actually the Cask of Amontillado.

I won’t spoil it for you, because its awesome, but it’s a story of how a man sets forth an interesting revenge for a perceived insult. The narrator never specifies what the insult was, just that it happened. The story takes some interesting turns from there, including the narrator’s sickness at heart over what he had done.

The truth is, that rash actions made in anger entomb us as much as the person that we’ve locked away. We may have chained them up in the darkest part of our hearts & locked them away, but they are still there, rattling their chains & pleading with you to come back & let them free. Meanwhile, you have imprisoned yourself in the same tomb, bound by your anger to an action you know was wrong. So, you venture down to the darkness & peer through the small window, watching them suffer, punishing yourself. They know you’re watching them suffer, feeling the sadness of knowing you’re taking great delight in their pain, unknowing that its guilt you’re feeling. Guilt for acting rash, vengeful & leaving you to languish.

For years, literary experts have believed that the narrator was actually insane & invented a reason to hurt his victim, because the slight was actually in his mind. I’ve always felt that Poe is trying to teach us that revenge is never a good idea. While yes, the narrator got away with it, it weighed on him for decades, eating away at his soul until he became a broken man.

Truthfully, most “slights” that prompt us to lash out in anger exist only in our own mind. We overreacted, we blew a minor slight out of proportion. Yes, people do dumb things, but chances are it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. We are our own worst enemies.

This is why reactions made in anger are never good; they hurt you more than you hurt them. You’re haunted by it, taunted by it & will never truly escape the guilt. Your victim lives in your heart imprisoned in the place you dare not go. By holding on to the anger, the revenge, you’ve held onto that person & the line between love & hate is so fine, that most experts will tell you that if you badmouth a former flame vehemently, you’re trying to mask your love for them. Why not set them (& yourself) free? Take them out of the prison of your heart & let them roam free in it. Let the only thing you keep chained in the basement be your desire for revenge.

Karma

January 27, 2013January 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”

I HATE when people point out when I’ve screwed up.

Of course, it happens so often, I’m almost used to it. I trust the wrong people (everybody), I take the wrong advice, I don’t trust my gut & I always believe in the goodness in everyone, even when they proved they don’t have any. I confide in people who prove that they are completely untrustworthy & believe them when they lie. Add in my own klutziness, big mouth & procrastination & I screw up…a lot. Sometimes I fall off of my own shoes, so there’s that.

When you tell me, I’ll cry. I can’t help it. Under my general screw upery is an overwhelming perfectionism. This is probably why I’m so anal retentive.

Of course, we know when we’ve screwed up. We’ll look at the mess we made of things & we’ll want to make it right, but no one wants their face rubbed in it like a dog, especially by the person we’ve wronged. We think we’re helping by reaching out, but we’re actually adding to the guilt. They hurt us in a manner most cruel & we are still showing compassion? So, we puff out our chest, hold onto our pride & act all cool, when in reality, we’re probably hurting & likely have added to the guilt by using our pride as a shield.

But like my father said, the bravest act of a coward is to repair his destruction, face what he has done & put it right. It’s a hard step, as it requires the admission that they were wrong, and forgiveness from themselves. After all, everyone else has likely forgiven them for their mess, but how do you forgive yourself for the hurt? I know when I’ve hurt another person, I will go to any lengths to apologize, but I won’t forgive myself. I’ll hold onto that guilt for months, wanting to make it okay. So, I hold onto my pride in the hopes that by acting indignant when I’m called on crap, I can feel better. Normally, I just feel lower because I blew another chance to do the thing I wanted to do, repair the relationship with the friend/partner/family member, but it wasn’t on my time or in my way.

So, while pride can be a good thing, it can also prevent you from being who you want to be. Don’t be afraid to swallow it sometimes, even if it wasn’t “your” way & take your lumps & yes, even feel guilty. Eventually those feelings will fade & you’ll be happy again, knowing you did what was best for everyone. After all, why watch the life you want like Scrooge talking to the spirit of life’s present? Wouldn’t you rather be there? There’s nothing wrong with pride in one’s self & work, but don’t let it keep you from being happy.

“We are rarely proud when we are alone.”

Kiss Me

January 23, 2013January 24, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Douchers, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“In the end, even if not in the short-term, love will conquer all.”

I found this quote on Twitter & I thought it was too cute.

It made me think as lately most of my friends are at these relationship crossroads. It happens to everyone after you’ve been with someone for more than a few months and that warm fuzzy infatuation feeling wears off and you’re in that real love stage. We all end up in that place and for some reason, when things get a little hard, one person wants to work on it while one person always seems to want to bail. We live in a society where love is disposable. When life gets hard, we throw it away & think everything gets better. Oh, we’ll get a new partner & it’ll be better…until chances are we ruin that relationship. It probably fell apart the same way too. But why?

Because the problem never went away…because the problem is you.

Yes, YOU.

You are the problem, just like I am the problem, everyone is the problem! The truth is that we think because we left a relationship, then we “fixed” the problem, when in fact the problem is still there. It’s internal and it’s never going to get better and just because you’re going to make the same mistakes over again.

Maybe you never tell your partners when you’re angry, so they’re constantly guessing why you’re mad and then you just walk away because well…they’re still doing that thing that pissed you off. People don’t read minds, how were they to know when you didn’t tell them? Maybe they asked and you said it’s fine (SUCH a chick move). Maybe you overreact when you need to have a frank conversation and cry, so that your partner doesn’t feel they can tell you when your relationship needs work. Maybe when you feel confused, you try to rationalize & take everyone’s advice but your own & make a giant mess & ruin everything. Maybe you bury your head in the sand like an ostritch and pretend everything is fine when in reality, everyone is pissed off and nothing is working. Maybe you displace aggression and yell about the floor mat but in reality you had a bad day at work. But there is something that needs work and that something is how you handle conflict, how you handle stress, how you handle arguments, you, you, YOU. The reason you can’t find someone is because of you.

This is one of the reasons I continually try to evolve as a person. I know that friendships and relationships end and it’s because of something I did (as well as something they did), so I try harder to improve myself because remaining static will only hinder your life’s journey.

However, chances are that much like the quote says, there is that one person that you can conquer odds with…eventually. Maybe it’s the person you’ve been with for years, maybe it’s that old flame that sticks out in your mind but you treated them really crummy. But that’s the person you need to know about the most and you will loop back over and over to that person. People believe once something fails, it’s broken but just because you’ve found “the one” doesn’t mean the path to forever is going to run smoothly. In fact, a lot of times there will be periods of damn hard. However, running away from the problem doesn’t make it go away. It just eats at you, damaging the rest of who you are until you become a broken person. Look at Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Timberlake left Biel when she was hoping for a commitment and he wasn’t ready to settle down. He dumped her unceremoniously and slutted it up. Six months later, Timberlake went back to Biel and asked for another chance and the couple wed late 2012.

Sometimes things just don’t effing work at the time, but they won’t ever work if you don’t even try. They won’t work with the next person either. It’ll be a continuous loop of failed relationships until you look at yourself and start looking at how you treat others, how you communicate with them, how much you invest in actually attempting to make it work. But eventually, you’ll meet someone that you can’t stop thinking about no matter how many times you eff it up and eventually, it’ll work. I mentioned it back in September and it bears repeating, that couples who have been married 40 or 50 years will tell you that in their day, you fixed something when it didn’t work right, you didn’t just throw it away.

Trip

January 15, 2013January 18, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me

I was talking to my good friend over at the Gleason Table about a theory that I heard that you can tell what kind of a person you are by the top songs on their iPod/iTunes/Sound Cloud/Spotify/Groove Shark/Songza.

I said I bet you can tell what someone is thinking the same way (something a teacher suggested once). He thought it was pretty legit, so I thought I’d share it with all of you! I’ve even posted my own iTunes Top 25 for all of the armchair shrinks (or to mock my musical tastes. Whatevs).

Interesting, huh? Likely not so much. Of course, knowing what I’m listening to is fairly easy, as the title of every blog post is the song I happen to be listening to at the time, my Twitter & Tumblr boast my #songoftheday & I proudly admit I get lost in the music & end up singing in public.

This wouldn’t work for everyone, but for those of you who, like me, are emotionally connected to music, you’ll be able to look at your playlist & go “Hey…seems legit!”

Are you listening to a lot of high energy music? Maybe you’re excited about a project. Do you identify with lyrics, feel like they’re torn from your mind? What are those lyrics saying to you? Perhaps it’s a clue that you need to make a change. Listening to a lot of break up/make up songs? Maybe you’re not where you want to be in a relationship. If you’re emotionally connected to your music, then perhaps your playlist is telling you something.

Regardless of whether it does or not, it’s a kind of fun little project that can be amusing and maybe helps us look inward a little more. I’m always trying to learn new ways to get to know myself better in my quest to be the best MHC that I can be. There’s no harm in becoming more self aware, in fact it only helps us become better to ourselves…& each other.

*puts headphones back in*

PS: If there are any songs on my list unfamiliar to you, be sure to check them out! They’re all phenomenal!

Famous Last Words

December 31, 2012January 18, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dorkdom, Just Fun, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships

As we say goodbye to 2012 & enter 2013, we’re all gonna make a series of resolutions, promises, etc.

We won’t keep a single one.

We never do. It’s human nature. So, instead of resolutions, I’m going to list a bunch of lessons I’m gonna apply to my life in 2013. Perhaps they’ll help you too.

1. Always forgive those who have hurt you; intentionally or not.

2. Pride holds us back from where we belong. Swallow it.

3. Words said while angry may hurt, but binding yourself to them instead of admitting you spoke too harshly will cost you.

4. Never stop fighting for what you feel is worth fighting for, even if it means laying down your weapon & taking the blow.

5. The greatest lies are the ones we tell ourselves; stop.

6. If its all you seek, it’s all you want. Claim it

7. The bravest admission you can make is that you were wrong.

8. What’s right is rarely popular. What’s popular is rarely right.

9. Be yourself, even if you’re a weirdo.

10. Love survives the coldest winters & the harshest storms. If its worth it, you’ll endure the hurricane for the calm.

That’s it. That’s all. I’m going to apply all of these in the hopes that I’ll continue on the road to being a better MHC. Otherwise, have a safe & happy 2013 from the ASH team!

Safe & Sound

December 28, 2012January 18, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Uncategorized

“People where you live,” the little prince said, “grow five thousand roses in one garden… yet they don’t find what they’re looking for…

They don’t find it,” I answered.

And yet what they’re looking for could be found in a single rose, or a little water…”

Of course,” I answered.

And the little prince added, “But eyes are blind. You have to look with the heart.”

One of my favourite books in the entire world is Le Petite Prince. One of my goals is to add an English and French copy to my book collection.

It reminds me of a very simple time in my life, when my young self read the French novella as part of a school project & I often told a dear friend that I needed her to “Dessine-Moi un mouton.”

The imagery speaks to me & I would say 80% of my blog’s ideals & content comes from this little French book (well, also Burton, random quotes on the Internet, ads on eBay, et al). Chances are, if I’ve sat & waxed about life, the search for happiness, etc. I’ve probably been reading this book…again.

I often speak of the heart knowing what’s best for us, which is the lesson found in Le Petite Prince

(Spoilers ahead)

The prince falls deeply in love with the rose, who seemingly rejects him, as she is quite vain. The prince travels to many planets & learns the lesson that men often lead hard lives & prefer to live alone and desolate. Finally, the prince learns from a fox that while his beloved rose seemed so common & pointless to the world, he had “tamed” his beautiful rose, loved & protected her & that’s what made her so special. His love for her made her special. It wasn’t until the Rose’s vain & flippant nature drove the prince to leave that she realized her true love for the Prince & was heartbroken that she felt her actions had forever cost her the person that made her whole.

“In those days, I didn’t understand anything. I should have judged her according to her actions, not her words. She perfumed my planet and lit up my life. I should never have run away! I ought to have realized the tenderness underlying her silly pretensions. Flowers are so contadictory! But I was too young to know how to love her.”

I guess it always struck a nerve with me that the prince saw something so amazing in such a common…thing. It was so beautiful, that someone could love despite countless rejections & be hurt so frequently, but his pure love remained. There must be some comfort in knowing that regardless of how common, or normal, or flawed, or vain, that someone finds you loveable. There must be some sense of joy in knowing that while the rest of the world sees you as simply a common…thing, one person sees you as their rose. While the Prince clearly loved his rose far more than she him, she truly did love the Prince. However, she allowed her vanity, her want to be admired by many, her inability to apologize for her hurtful nature push him away. When she was forced to finally face a life without the Prince loving her, even from afar, she was broken, even though no matter where he went, the Prince still loved her.

Because in the end, it was the Prince’s love that made her special, that brought out the good. This inspires most of my thoughts on love, what we look for, the idea that its the actions we focus on, not the words, as words contain so many lies, but actions are rooted in fact. You search for what you need, no matter how hard you pretend it isn’t true. Much like the Prince desperately tries to escape his beloved through running, meeting the Fox, his responsibility to her never waned & he always sought her out, humans always go back to the thing that makes us truly whole, even though we deny it. I guess it’s kind of funny that I have taken so many ideals from a children’s book, but perhaps the best lessons are childlike. Perhaps we should all look for our Petite Prince, who ignores our commonness, our vanity, our overall suckiness & simply sees the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen. Because once we have it, we’ll always long for it, as truthfully, we’ll know that’s what makes us whole.

“I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings.”

But, that’s me, the girl who takes all of her important thoughts on relationships from Burton films, French novellas & other random places. I guess I shall always just enjoy that sort of whimsy. For I don’t want to become one of the dreaded grown ups the snake warned me about:

“All grown-ups were once children… but only few of them remember it.”