Tag: fitness

Somebody’s Love

by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Life, My New Life As Me, Social Media


After eight months, I’ve said goodbye to the world of major retail big box chains. 

Peace out.

I left my manager & DM thank you notes, as well as the store manager. Much like when I left the St. Albert location, my coworkers were gifted a bucket of snacky foods and a thank you letter, although this time, there was a welcome letter for the new hire, who has been a good friend to me since I started. I feel it’s important to make sure that those who worked hard with you during your tenure know you appreciate them. I’ve been fortunate to work with a strong manager and a District Manager who is a role model for all women in wireless. She loves her team, works hard for those who work for her and doesn’t take anyone’s crap. I hope that I can lead my new team with the same level of integrity and success that she has.

I’m so freaking excited to be moving forward. In this past month, I’ve taken my new position and I’m so excited to get started. I was under the impression that I’d be shadowing the manager for my probationary ninety days, but he’s made it clear that my new store will be “my baby” after two weeks, and a crash course in wireless leadership. That’s both awesome and frightening, but then I remind myself that they’re trusting me with this because I’ve proven that I can do it. My work history demonstrates that I can be a capable leader. So, it’s about calming the nerves, taking a deep breath and stepping up to the plate.

My writing career is booming too. My first article under my new editor was a success, which makes me happy. When I started with Great West Newspapers, I was afraid to pitch a story. I didn’t think I should. What do I know about Alberta and the lifestyles of people here? I accepted my assignments as they came and when a story idea that I carefully crafted was given to another writer, I wanted to give up. I felt like a fish out of water and maybe I’m not the talented journalist I always thought I was. But when I got the email that there was a change of the guard, I decided to suck it up and be brave. I came up with two ideas and pitched them both. My new editor replied with that both were good, but one was a better fit for the summer months. So, I got to work and when I got the email saying that there were no revisions necessary and it was being printed, I was elated! One of my pieces for My Trending Stories was very well received and I’ve mentioned it before, but the editor of a major Edmonton newspaper told me my blog was witty and clever and he couldn’t wait to read my published work. All of a sudden, I felt very much like the person I have worked my entire life to become. Pitching stories is such a huge part of what I do, so my lack of confidence, much like my lack of driving, has held me back.

Nothing holds me back anymore.


When the editor of a local newspaper set out a call for freelance writers, I brainstormed with a friend (who also happens to be as passionate about radio as I am about writing) and we came up with an idea that could be really interesting. I drew up a little proposal and explained why I thought readers would like it and sent it off. I haven’t heard back yet, which I’m taking as a positive sign. Had he hated it (or required more pictures of Spiderman), he would have just said so. But when some friends asked me about my idea, I told them, and as I was saying “You’ll think it’s silly…” they replied “That sounds really interesting!” I’ve booked interviews already. I’m so excited about how this is turning out. Maybe he won’t want to run with it. If not, I’ll finish it and sell it to another magazine here in YEG. Because why not? The more publications that print my work, the better it is for my career.

Don’t we all Mr. Jameson

I guess I need to stop being so damn timid whenever I feel out of my element and just go out there and kick ass and be a bad ass. My body of work speaks for itself, so I need to stand behind it. I need to stop being afraid that I cannot do something and just focus on the fact that I can and I will do well if I work hard, treat people with kindness and respect and believe that I can be the best journalist and cell phone boss lady that I can be. So, it’s one day off to recharge the batteries then it’s back into the cell phone game as the lady of the house, while getting those crossfit workouts, thrice weekly runs and interviews for my next article done.

It’s a busy, beautiful life and I’m so grateful to be the one who gets to live it.

And I have this one on Team MH. She’s good people

Holy

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Social Media

Since I started working with Great West Media last year, I have emailed the publisher once a week, every week. I have emailed him 66 times. 

Yesterday, I took a trip to St. Albert to interview with him. 

An opening arrived. He was very honest and said I was competing with people with 15 years editorial experience, but there are some positions opening up in the fall that I would be better suited for & this would be a preliminary interview. He liked my work. He admired my tenacity. Could I make it in two hours? Uhhhh…duh. Sure it was deadline day, and I had a sentence to add into my hiking piece. But I can’t turn down a chance to meet a publisher! So, I went on the epic road trip to St. Albert & made it in 1.5 hours, a new record for me. I didn’t even get lost. Baby Jesus was in my corner. 


I think the interview went well. They asked about my adding some extra freelance work to the local paper on top of my current freelance work until I can take my road test & get a car. I’m already freelancing, why not?! It’s money in my pocket. It’s new & different subject matter (City Council writing was discussed) & I learn more and more about becoming a better reporter. It’s another step closer to the goal that I’ve worked so hard for & moved across the damn country for. One step closer. 


Even if I just sell more stories until I can buy a car next year while I build my wireless career as the cell phone boss lady, it’ll be okay. I start my new job on 07/04 & I’m excited to get into my new store. And this meeting was productive. It’s one step closer…& more money. I put in the time, the effort & hard work & I got the meeting I’ve been gunning for. He didn’t have to do that, after all, he said himself that there were other candidates with more experience. But he read my work & it was damn good. And if I freelance with the newspaper, I’ll get some time in a newsroom & a chance to learn other styles of reporting. My new editor has been very hands on with my latest work. I’m soaking up the feedback like a sponge. Anything to learn and grow & become the best damn reporter I can be. 


I don’t fear failure anymore. Mostly because I don’t really know what it is. If it didn’t work the first time, I believe in doubling down & trying again. Didn’t get the meeting? Try again. Want a better job? Take the road less travelled to get the interview. Nail it. Bad weekend for your diet? Eat better tomorrow. Was that WOD or run loaggy & crappy? Oh well, your time will improve tomorrow. This is the mantra that I have built my life around. There is no failure; only a setback in which I can then use to become the woman I’m supposed to be. Thanks for that kick in the nuts, I’ll just bounce back better. 

Life is always about proving to yourself that you can be the best you that you can be, without hurting people or stepping on them on the way. You can always improve, grow, be better. If you want it badly enough, you’ll do it. I always remind myself that if former WWE champion Seth Rollins can rehab 10 hours a day & crossfit on one leg to get back to what he does best, I can get my ass to the gym. If I can be brave enough to move away from everyone I love to be a writer, I can learn to drive, freelance, take everything thrown at me until I get to where I need to be. I can be the best cell phone boss lady I can be and make my store successful. Why? Because I want it. That’s why. 

Still pretending this is where MiTB ended. Fight me

Forget Me Now

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Fitnesslicious, Just Fun, Life, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me

Today I did a thing. 

It’s not a super exciting thing, but for those who know me well, it’ll be a funny story. And you’ll probably giggle a bit. 

In case you’re new to the wonderful world of ASH Multimedia, let me bring you up to speed. I used to be really fat. Now, I am 92lbs lighter (as I lost the last of that pesky 15lbs I gained during my commute from Hell) & I have 43lbs left to reach my goal weight. I’ve worked super hard to get healthy. Part of that includes running. I effing HATE running. I have dedicated many a blog post to my hatred of running. But, combined with Crossfit, it helps me reach my goals. I want to be healthy, in shape, set a good example for my girls. But running is still stupid. 

Every other day, I go for my morning run around the lake near my house. But I never actually make it because the harbingers of doom are always hanging out. You know, GEESE. 

Again, if you’re new, let me catch you up; geese are the absolute fucking worst. WORST. They’re evil & scary & will likely murder me. If you follow me on Instagram, you will have watched my epic boss battle with Satan’s unholy army (which can be found here & here). You can actually pinpoint on my Runkeeper Go maps EXACTLY when I encountered these evil creatures because it’s where I turn around in terror. 

See?

Well, I’ve made it my personal mission to actually run all the way around the lake & not “run until Honky McTerrorface & his evil family appear.” So, like every other morning, I got up, did my yoga & went running. All was well until…you guessed it. GEESE. 

Fortunately, our evil feathered creatures of death were distracted by a elderly man taking photos of them, for what I can only assume is a coffee table book called “The most evil monsters known to mankind.” I sped up, fearing for my personal safety, assuming I’d be one of those people who gets chased or murdered by the unholy spawn of Satan & all that would be left of me would be a plaque with my face while people gathered around it feeding bread to the mother fucking geese, having learned nothing from the tragedy. However, Satan’s minions were excited for their Snapchat debut (they dig filters I guess. Unrelated side note; I reactivated my Snapchat at work this week. It lasted maybe 10 minutes before I decided it was the stupidest & deleted it again. I didn’t even send a snap to my favourite Snapchat friend because I’m an asshole) & ignored me…& I finished my run & finally made it all the way around the lake. 


This might seem like a stupid story, mostly because it totally is. But it’s fun & not everything needs to be some metaphor for some deeper lesson. I wanted to reach my little goal more than I wanted to be afraid of the goose. So I was. By achieving this mini goal, it helps me stay on course to achieve my next fitness goal (regain all of my crossfit strength & set a back squat PR# of 150 by year’s end). Every time I achieve a little goal, I can accomplish more until my fitness goals are about getting stronger & maintaining & not losing weight. It’ll be nice. But to do that, sometimes I’ve gotta do unpleasant things, like risk being murdered by geese…

…sometimes. 

Literally my worst nightmare

Young & Relentless

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Remember when I used to randomly switch jobs because I decided on a whim that I hated it?

We’re not quite in that place, but I did get a new job.


I’ve always managed to maintain good relationships with my old colleagues. Because of this, when opportunities come up, I am fortunate enough to take advantage. I told you I had some other options on the go. Well, one of them was with a company that I have a lot of connections with. My former District Manager (whom I still call Boss Man Adam despite him not actually being my boss anymore) made a phone call and suggested the YEG District Manager call me about an opportunity in the area. We had a good chat and what started as a sales rep offer turned into a Manager in Training/Co-Manager position that will lead to me taking over the store once I prove I can do what Boss Man Adam said I’m capable of. As much as I love my current boss and manager, more money & career expansion is too much to pass up so I’ll be starting a new job in two weeks!

Hey, remember when we all went on a work trip? It was rad.
I don’t feel badly about this change.When I took my last job it left me with horrible anxiety that it would affect the parts of my life that made me the most happy…& it did. Even though I reclaimed what makes me most happy (family & fitness), now I’m joining a company that I love, respect the culture & see nothing but growth. For this I am grateful, even if the commute is kind of sucky. However, it’s not the worst commute I’ve ever done & I still have time for crossfit. But life has a way of just becoming awesome, so I’m proud of how I turned it all into a positive & built my career & myself the way I want & I learned not only can I survive here on my own, but I thrive and everything always just gets better! Hard work & being a good person always pays off and things will always work out if you treat people well, be nice & work hard.

Not the worst commute ever
But it’s a place I can build a career and still freelance (BTW my latest assignment is freaking awesome) & build my portfolio. More money means I can afford to buy a car next year (BECAUSE I CAN LEGALLY DRIVE NOW BITCHES). More money means more in the college funds as the dad reminded me this week (before I blocked his number because he’s annoying and rude) he’s on a fixed income & has no real plan to change that so I’m expected to foot the bill for everything. So, I need to be able to increase my earning potential. And I’m excited. I’ll be running my own store & building my own team and that’s gonna be amazing.

So, feel free to stay tuned on Facebook (unless I’ve blocked you on Facebook), Twitter (unless I’ve blocked you on Twitter) or LinkedIn (unless I’ve blocked you on LinkedIn) for the next stop in my wireless career. I think it’s gonna be a good one.

Redesign. Rebuild. Reclaim

True Colours

by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Last night, a dear friend of mine showed us her “truth” on our Mommy group.  It was an honest statement about how sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who doesn’t have her shit together because on Facebook, everyone has their shit together. Oh Lordy, let me tell you, that’s a big nope. 

It’s funny, because it came on the heels of a trip I made to my daughters’ school for a Mother’s Day event & some of the moms were so over the top about their perfect lives while I sat in my work uniform & live texted my best friend & the other “bad moms” sat on a bench beside me. It was a lot of Zumba & freezer meals & Chevy Tahoes & hubbys that work late and vacays to Spain & getting a blow out before attending an event for fourth graders. I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to be “on” all of the time. 

I’ve often mentioned how much I hate social media, despite having a lot of it. I actually cut off quite a bit of it, leaving only my Instagram, Twitter & Facebook. The rest I use to rant about TV or post positive happy shit, because I figure if I have a platform to connect with people, I should use it to help encourage and build up others. I find my life is much more peaceful without the need to share my every move with the universe. I like my privacy. But I also want to be my most authentic self, which means admitting I do NOT have my shit together. 

I don’t post everything on social media. I don’t talk about my personal life or my counselling sessions or the like. But I also do my best to keep my authentic self in a world of snapchat filters & Facebook highlight reels (I’m just as guilty, as my FB photo has a filter). Sometimes I feel like we live in a strange world of narcissism & masks. We all have carefully constructed personas. We have a Facebook life, a work life, a personal life, a parenting life, etc. and it made me wonder “Does anyone really know anyone anymore?” Or do we just know the masks we wear. I often wonder if we wear different masks around different sets of people. This way everyone will like us…well, not us. Our pretend character, our selfies, the lies we put out there to make sure everyone likes us. 


I guess that’s the one thing I decided to drop a few years ago. I used to blog about abstract stuff that popped into my head, but I’ve tried to keep my world very authentic & honest. Masks are exhausting, I don’t want to remember what personality to put on today. I just wanna be MHC. So, I started writing about me; my victories, my struggles. My joy. Everything in real time. My FB became a series of honest observations about the world around me (& the odd humblebrag because sometimes I wanna be validated too. I’m human), my kids, my life. It may not be pretty, but it is honest. Not everyone needs to like it, but it’s who I want to be. Yes, my house is a mess that I do a huge clean up during my days off only to find it in the same condition when I get home the next day so I can repeat. I’m not a perfect mom. I’m not a perfect employee. I’m not a perfect friend or human…& I don’t want to be. I don’t want to wear masks or have personas. Maybe the reason I’m good at my jobs in retail & media is because I don’t want to be a pretend human. I just want to be me & relate to people on a human level. 

Maybe the soccer moms were living their authentic lives. Maybe some people on Facebook really do have perfect lives & fairy tale marriages & spotless homes & the like. And I’m so happy for you if you do…but I don’t. And I’m not going to pretend I do. The world would be a better place if we chose to focus on how we treat people, not how we appear to people. Reputation only goes so far, but your character is what really matters & no amount of “likes” or carefully constructed personalities will make you a better person. 


Maybe it’s time we ditch the filters, the shares, the prayers for (insert disaster here), the “work voice,” the different personalities & just be human beings. Maybe not everyone will like us. Maybe that’s okay. The people who matter will love us, which is much better than a thumbs up or an emoji or a replay of a snap from someone we don’t really like anyway. 

Pieces

by maryhelenc, posted in Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me


I work dedicated afternoons, which means by the time my work day is over, it will eventually get dark. So, I like to sit by the Princess Patricia Light Infantry Fountain & enjoy nature & reflect on my day. It’s 15 minutes of my life that is all for me & I love it. I have music & fresh air & it’s just awesome.

I’m so grateful to live in a place where there are pretty rocks & trees & water all around me. Being around it helps me stay centred and focused. Sometimes I look around and think about how lucky I am to have such awesome stuff around me. I truly have an awesome existence. I have wonderful kids. I have amazing friends. They are supportive people who build me up & want me to succeed. They ask about my fitness goals. They’re with me when everything falls apart. I’m even slowly kind of reconnecting with an old friend through my friend Yogi’s Squatties team. She’s done amazing things & I am beyond proud of her. The Squatties are rad. Women building up other women to achieve goals. It’s pretty amazing. I have a job that keeps me fed & clothed.  I have an amazing writing career that only continues to grow. I get to meet amazing people and share their stories with the whole world!  I have pretty places to go running & a crossfit gym. I’m also like, super pretty.  All happy things. 


I think that’s where many of us miss out when it comes to life. It’s not about having the most rad life; it’s about making your life the most awesome. How can you look at life & not be blown away by all the things you’re blessed to have?! Whether it’s family, a good friend, a job, a roof over your head, or you really like the show Bojack Horseman, there’s gotta be something in your life that makes you smile! If not, I feel so sorry for you. Too often people discard people because they see them as objects. They expect others to make them happy. But they don’t want to be happy & want to drag everyone else down into their misery. They can’t find joy because they aren’t a whole person. Then they project their own desire to make someone else, their job, their kids their reason for happiness onto others. Pathetic really. I can’t help but pity them. My therapist told me that I was wise because I have always found ways to love who I am. I  happy because I choose to be. No person or thing can take something that comes from my deliberate choice to find something to smile about every day. 

But that’s been the focus of my life these past few years. I want to be a whole person, a happy person, and someone I’m proud of. I have no holes that need to be filled by a person, job title, etc. If I have a goal, I’ll achieve it. If I want something, I’ll buy it. I am in control of my life, my future & I choose to carry myself from a position of strength, Grace, class & dignity. But most importantly, I want to look in the mirror and like me. I always tell people that you should carry yourself like you’re the prettiest girl at the party, because you should think you’re the prettiest girl at the party (boys, you can be pretty too). Love yourself. Once you do, you can see how amazing everything around you is.

Find a way to love yourself. I write myself messages on my bathroom mirror when I feel down to motivate me. Why? Because then it’s a matter of me driving me. Right now it’s my BFF Erica’s favourite quote from her favourite show. I see it every morning & go do my kick ass thing. And it kicks ass. I opted go to therapy to be stronger. My therapist told me I already was. I just needed reminding. So I remind myself. I see no shame in counselling. I wanted to evolve. So I took steps to evolve & I am proud of my continued metamorphosis. 


Every single night, I’m once again reminded that I am fortunate enough to live in a world where I get to sit by the lake every night, go home to my family, and if I’m lucky enough to wake up the next day, do it all over again. Because everything about my life is beautiful, because I built it myself, for me, my way.

Never Ending

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

About 2.5 months ago, something happened that changed my life a little bit. I’ve addressed it briefly in bits & pieces, but now it’s time to discuss the elephant in the room. 

I have arthritis & I’ve fallen off the fitness wagon. Completely. 

The gym used to be part of my every day life. Now it’s sporadic at best. I haven’t been in almost a month. The holidays & commute threw me off & now it’s fear. Fear of damaging my hips further. Fear of injury. Fear of crossfit. But part of who I am is fitness. I gained 15lbs at my old store. And it’s bothered me. The new gym hasn’t been as welcoming as WLCF. It’s cold & running in the cold scares me. I’ve got a ton of excuses, but not enough motivation. And working near the chips isn’t helping. I asked my friend to send me a pic of his disapproving face to help me get back on track. 

  
I’ve been so mad at my body for betraying me. I’m good to it! I feed it kale! I exercise, cut out most processed junk, etc. Of course, that’s been for two years. Most of my adult life was eating shit food & wondering why I was depressed. Lack of exercise & lots of junk food. Our bodies crave real food, not chemicals, soda & alcohol. The more we put this in our bodies, the sicker & more depressed we get. I’ve felt like shit because I’m eating like shit. So, imma gonna stop eating like shit. I need to stop being afraid of pain and go through it so my hips will get stronger & hurt less. I’ve never been afraid of anything. But permanent injury freaks me out. Who will work? Who will raise the girls? It’s us vs. the World. 

  
So I flipped the script. Who’s gonna take care of the girls if I have a heart attack because of Doritos? Who’s gonna work if my hips get so sore that I can’t stand? Who’s gonna take care of me if I don’t? You’ve gotta love yourself to do the right things for your body. To be a good parent, you’ve gotta set the right examples. So I’m gonna get up and go to the gym. I’m gonna go running (you can view my results on Twitter lol). I’m gonna eat kale. And my body will thank me. 

  

Make You Smile

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Sometimes I realize how ill equipped I am to handle stress in this province of cows. 

For the last two months, all of the things I came to use to overcome stress weren’t there. You can’t sit amongst nature when it’s nuclear winter. You can’t go to the gym & lift heavy when you can’t support your weight on one leg. I felt under a microscope at work. My identity was that I was someone else’s. I sometimes felt like I worked, raised the girls & slept. I want to do so much more than work, pay bills & sleep. I want to be a role model to my girls. I want to be a good friend. I want to be a capable partner who stands on her own two feet, and that my person can see that I want a life of my own, in charge of my own life, not just to be theirs, as that’s never what I want. I want to be physically & mentally strong. Without my normal stress relievers, I felt like I was burning out. 

  
So, I talked to my friend Gleason, who reminded me of how good meditation can feel. I remember it for awhile, and then forget. Thanks to Sarah, I’ve discovered some great new music (Elle King!). And I even bought one of those adult colouring books. I laughed at them, but they do a lot to relieve stress. And of course, writing. Lately, I’ve worried about people reading too much into my blogging. I write whatever I’m thinking in the hopes to give myself clarity, not necessarily “this is what I want right now.” I just know I struggle with asserting myself, and with anything deep, so I write to avoid over thinking and self sabotage. But maybe I need to stop baring my soul so much. Maybe I need to be more guarded about my feelings. Maybe I need to stop assuming that people care when I open up & get personal with them. 

Maybe I need to stop talking about that. 

 

I am WAY too invested in Harry Potter.

In the end, I need to focus on dealing with my own stress levels & get through it on my own, for me. I chose to move away from my support system. I can’t rely on them. I need to remember who I am. I am a bad ass. Tomorrow is my first trip back to the gym after two months. It’ll be intimidating, and exciting. I got a chance to enjoy nature for the first time in forever. It was so nice to just have me, my music & fresh air. And if I get stressed at home, I’ll colour. I’ll work at work & continue to do well. All good things. And once again, I’ll feel like I’m kicking ass & taking names & setting a good example for the little ones that look up to me, which is what I want most in life.  I love them & I want to set a better example for them. I want to grow because I love myself & want to evolve for me. For the first time in awhile, I’m focusing on my own needs so I can be a better woman. Sometimes I give so much to my girls & the people I love & my mom & my brother that I forget about me. I need to remember to nuture myself. 

  
Part of adapting to a new life is learning that I can’t do things the old ways all of the time. I can’t always get around trees or lift heavy things. I may not always have friends to talk to. I’ve got to adapt. So, I’ve been learning to adapt & find ways to be a better mom, writer, friend, partner, and woman. Because that’s what life should be about; getting better, learning to be better, and treating people better. That’s all I want for myself; to set a better example & love better. 

  

Hello

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dear Blank, Fitnesslicious, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

I think I’m finally starting to settle into my life. 

I’ve decided to make the next focus of my life here to establish a set of friends, more of my own interests & a continued focus on the interests I do have. Crossfit. I’ve started reading, something I used to really enjoy until my ex husband mocked my book choices (while my favourites are classics & The Hunger Games, I often favour VC Andrews style brain trash. However, I’m currently reading Harry Potter). My oldest friend Gleason has suggested meditation & I am enjoying it. I’m doing yoga again.  Sometimes I worry that almost every aspect of my life here revolves around my mate. I must stress how absolutely grateful I am that he was here for me during my transition to Alberta. He has been so supportive. But he’s often my only adult companion. He & I now work in the same building. I do not ever want him to see me as someone he needs to take care of or protect. It’s important to me to keep our relationship, myself & him healthy, which means maintaining separate interests, giving ourselves some space sometimes, etc. I cannot stress how much I fear being dependent on anyone, so I really need to maintain my own identity, and allow him his. This doesn’t mean that I’m not in love & excited for our future, but I always want us to be equals. The best way to do that is to continue to build a strong life for myself & my girls, so that I will always feel like I am doing my best to be my best. I think you should allow yourself time to miss each other sometimes. And, if the two of you are capable of building lives for yourselves, imagine how strong the foundation will be when you start joining them together! 

Also, it’s important for me to start building relationships & a life here. It’s important that I start forging ahead & making this place home. So, I’m doing that. There is nothing wrong with focusing on oneself. I always want to try and learn how to be better, more loving, kinder, treat people better. I want to always be somehow better than I was yesterday, while I get comfortable in my own skin. Most importantly, I am the mother of daughters. I want to teach them that women are strong and capable of doing anything. I want them to see that you can be an independent bad ass, and even when you’re with someone, a good man will support your desire to do well, not hinder you.  But as I focus on making this place home, I’ve noticed I’m becoming a lot more comfortable allowing people into my personal life. I’m comfortable with him interacting with my closest friends (Erica is so happy to have someone to sports with, as I don’t sports), I’m comfortable with photos (but very few) on my social media (thanks to some friends asking my best friend at work about my love life).  I’m slowly letting the walls I built up so high for so long down…

…this is lies. They didn’t come down slowly. They crashed to the ground. 

The past two weeks were the first time in years that I was suddenly without walls. Everyone knew me before I met them. All of my nervous talking too much or just plain idiocy couldn’t be hidden because I was a faceless new person. And EVERYONE knew everything about me; how many kids I have, who I date, when I moved here, my journalism career & I felt very naked & exposed & just plain terrified.  I wanted my walls back. I wanted the safety they bring. But they were gone. I had spent years making sure that all anyone knew about me was parenting, fitness & cell phones. I maintained a very detached personality. People didn’t know about my personal life, my feelings, anything but I had kids, went to the gym & hated geese. But nope. All gone. And that scared me so much.  But after the panic, I felt…okay. Better than okay. I felt pretty awesome. I wasn’t really afraid of anything; losing, being left alone. It was more of a “this is my life now, so let’s keep making it work for me.” I felt confident about things I hadn’t felt confident about in years. Perhaps the fear that holds me back from truly being happy was trapped in the walls that I built to “protect myself” from pain. I still won’t invite people into my relationship, as there isn’t room for you with the kids & penguins and such, but if you ask, I won’t change the subject anymore. I’m going to start letting (select) people in. But vampires still can’t come in. They aren’t invited. 

I guess the lesson here is when you build walls to keep from getting hurt, you keep all the horrible feelings inside. The hurt, the mistrust, the fear. You also make it impossible for anyone to love you, as no one should have to work to tear those walls down. Eventually, they’ll feel like they’ll never get through to you & give up. By letting them go, I feel more confident about my future than I ever have & it’s really nice to no longer have that nagging feeling that it’s all going to go away. 

And somewhere, Erica is saying she told me so. Whatever.   

General Admission

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Current Events, Fitnesslicious, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

I had an epiphany. 

I SUCK AT TIME MANAGEMENT. 

The root of all my anxiety is simply a lack of time management, or mom guilt. 

I was talking to my best friend Melissa after having a complete meltdown about I’m not even sure. Like, nothing in my life is wrong. I have a pretty rad life, but here I am bawling that my life is stupid & falling apart. But it’s not. My life is good. And I displace my anxiety into irrational fears that have no basis in reality, because those are fears I know, things I’ve experienced & I panic. But as I got talking to Melissa, I realized that what’s bothering me makes a lot more sense;

I feel like I have no time. 

My days are long, so I try to balance my time for my kids & myself. But I feel guilty, if I go to the gym because that’s my time for the girls. But then I get stressed because I’m not taking time for me. When I first got here, I found time for me. I spent time with nature. I went to Crossfit. I went running. I found time for myself. But as school started and then I switched jobs…AGAIN (which I think upsets me for fear of lack of follow through, which I then displace into fears about my personal life, even though I’m actually afraid I’m hurting my long term earning potential by jumping ship so much), I found that I’m constantly juggling time with the girls & time for myself & I am finding less & less time for myself in the pursuit of money, something that doesn’t really motivate me, but I find myself worrying about more and more as winter is coming. 

  
I felt like this once before, back when I was working two jobs & struggling to find time to do anything & during that time, I was doing just what I’ve been doing now; panicking about things that aren’t real; analyzing everything, stressing about the move. Again, because of money. Every time my life focuses on money, I feel like I have to sacrifice pieces of my life to find time for other pieces of my life & in the end, I end up stressing about money, which is my least favourite thing in the world. But because my life has a strong foundation for the first time in forever, I start panicking and wanting to shake the walls to make sure they don’t fall down. Erica called me on it tonight, telling me that I’m almost trying to drive away the people I want in my life (including her) because it’s what I do when I’m stressed out, push people away. But in reality, it’s simply that I feel like I’m juggling my life and dropping balls. I missed my deadline for my magazine because I was working so much & it sent me right over the edge. I came here to write. Why was the thing I hate most (my real people job) getting in the way of my journalism career, time with my family, Crossfit? My trip home might be delayed because of work. The job that makes me money to live seemed to be destroying all of the things about my life that I love most, but I have to tough it out because my resume will suck. I literally couldn’t deal or explain it to anyone. It just came out that I feared change or fear of abandonment. I just couldn’t adequately explain that I felt like my professional life is taking me further from everything most important to me. 

literally me

I’m constantly pushing aside the things that make me happy to try and make more money, which is the antithesis of my personality. My life is about being optimistic & happy & building my best self. The past two weeks I’ve been my worst self (and to those who have listened to my incessant whining & crying, I love you so very much. Thank you for being in my life & loving me) because I feel like I’m sacrificing the best parts of me to support the most important people in my life. But I won’t be a good mom if I’m damaging my psyche to support them. I know that the more I sacrifice my emotional needs, the more I’m damaging my abilities to be a good mom & person. 

This week, I started shifting my focus back to the bright eyed optimist I was when I got here, and was just excited to spend time with my family & my loves. I did this by shutting out everyone. It was very deliberate & not because of hurt feelings or anger. It was a way for me to recharge my batteries so I could be the best MHC I could. I got a massage. I went for a walk near the river valley. I mostly avoided social media (except Snapchat because my kid is using it again so I use it to pretend I’m not just watching her snaps) & all calls & texts. I just needed a break from life so I took it. I’m making it a point that I’ll be in the gym a minimum twice a week. Every night I’ll spend 20 minutes doing yoga & focusing on positivity. And my day off while the kids are in school will be spent enjoying nature & coffee & Crossfit & writing & all MHC things. Why? Because I need to focus on my independence and ability to keep in control of my own life & set a good example for my girls. I’ll focus on my writing, as my blog is generally for me, to keep me sane. I’m glad people read it & love it, but it’s my outlet to help me understand my emotions, nothing more. 

I’ve changed literally every aspect of my life in the last 10 months, sometimes several times. I’ve switched jobs five times. I’ve switched provinces. I went from very high walls to shut people out to tearing them down & sharing my life with someone. I always managed to keep some sort of constant during these changes; like I kept my job when I moved here, just a different store. But now everything is all new. Learning to navigate through these changes can have its ups and downs, especially when you’re someone who struggles with change. I need to slow down & just remain in this stage of my life for awhile, with no need to move from here.  But, if I allow myself to make myself a priority, then I’ll be able to focus on what I do best; being awesome. So, I’m making myself a priority, somewhere after the kids, journalism & the cat because she’s a needy bitch.