She’s such a cool chick; talented, smart, and strong with some old-fashioned ideals. She and her husband Cary Hart chose to work on their marriage instead of throw in the towel like so many Hollywood couples. She’s also a cool, laid back mom who does her best to shield her little girl from the harsh public eye so she grows up as normally as possible.
However, a recent interview with Allure magazine in which the singer/songwriter mentioned that her daughter Willow had suffered a concussion (she points out that the doctors said “kids fall”) and Willow’s penchant for saying “F***, Hi” had the keyboard warriors out in full force, tearing down the mom for inadvertently teaching her daughter foul language and why wasn’t she watching Willow (despite the article saying that she was walking right in front of Willow).
I will never claim to be the perfect mother. Mainly because I’m not. My housekeeping skills are subpar, I’m goofy and silly and I also feed them stuff with preservatives! GASP! My parenting struggles are well documented (You can check them out HERE, HERE & HERE) and while I may not be that perfect TV mom (I’m more Peg Bundy than Carol Brady, only without the neglect and I can actually cook), I know I’m doing my best to be the best mom that I can be.
It’s hard enough to be a parent without the sanctimommies in full force telling us why we suck. It’s not always easy. Kids get hurt. Kids mouth off. Sometimes, you think to yourself that if you have to watch one more episode of Toopy & Binoo or hear that One Direction song, you’re gonna throttle that cross-dressing mouse or kick Harry Styles’s curly haired ass. However, as long as you’re doing the best you can for your children, then you’re doing okay. So, don’t feel badly if you’ve had a rough day with the little ones or if they hurt themselves or if you REALLY just want to drink a glass of wine and never hear the word “Elmo” again.
So, on behalf of moms everywhere, let me tell all of the parents out there: You are doing a good job. Yes, you. You’re doing a great job and I hope you know that. So, whether it’s been an amazing parenting day, or you’re curled up in the fetal position because they’ve copped a huge attitude, kudos to you.
All mornings start out awesome with early morning phone calls from the Gleason Table.
My longtime friend and fellow blogger (it’s fantastic, check it out here) always have the best conversations about a wide variety of topics. They’re pretty much the most hilarious part of my day. Today’s topic of conversation: Facebook.
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I waste a lot of time on Facebook. I post a zillion photos of my daughters, etc. on Facebook. But I’ve noticed that we place too much emphasis on Facebook in our day to day lives. We use Facebook to send out feelers of former friendships as opposed to calling, we use Facebook to creep our exes because we can’t admit we still have romantic feelings for them, which holds back the healing process. We block people so that they feel rejected and, as Gleason said this morning, the more miserable you are about your life, the happier you will appear on Facebook. I know I’ve done it, during my darkest times emotionally, I’ll be as happy as a clam on Facebook. After all, if we appear happy happy on Facebook, we think we’re fooling people…and I guess to an extent, we are.
There are more than a few articles that claim that people see other people’s picture perfect Facebook lives and will feel depressed. Apparently, we start comparing our lives to the people on Facebook and feel inadequate. Knowing that we all embellish our lives on Facebook, why wouldn’t we assume that someone else is doing the same? Why do we put so much stock in Facebook? Why do we assume that everything on Facebook means something?
It’s going great Facebook, thanks for asking.
Facebook was designed to keep us in touch with each other, but we use it as a legal form of stalking and an essential pissing contest to see who can pretend to have the best life while keeping tabs on people we claim we don’t care about and trying to pretend to all of our coworkers, etc. that our lives are super awesome when in reality, they are average, just like yours and mine. So, let’s stop comparing our lives to each other on Facebook and using it to act like we’re soooooo happy. Let’s stop creeping the people we left behind, whether it’s a friend we comment on every few months or that ex we can’t get out of our head and actually call or text them and begin working on those relationships.
Oh…and stop sharing memes that say if you share it, the dying kid will get a $1 for hospital bills. That’s just stupid too.
I saw an interesting post on one of my favourite blogs, the Baddest Mother Ever about posting photos of ourselves & showing people who we are.
This reminded me of two separate conversations that I’ve had in recent memory. One was when my 6yo asked me why there are no photos of me, which is of course because I am taking the photos. She was very concerned that there were no photos of me, so I’ve learned the art of the selfie to appease her. The other was during our “thank effing eff we are done school dinner” when I took a photo of my awesome mojito for a friend who couldn’t make it. My other friend mentioned that it looked like the straw was up my nose & how embarrassing. So, naturally I made it my Facebook profile photo.
I’ve mentioned before that life is not super cereal & we need to learn to have more fun. Embarrassment is the same. You can only be embarrassed if you give someone that power, which I refuse to do (of course, one who leaves the house with her Pikachu hoodie must have a thick skin). I won’t lie & say people have power over me; there are people in this world who can make me feel things with the smallest action, but we all have those people, the Achilles Heel. But I refuse to give strangers that power.
So, I’ll take your ridiculous photos & proudly display them on social media. I won’t “hide from timeline” because I don’t care. I’ve probably posted even worse ones & laughed at them. Life is meant to be silly so I don’t mind being captured doing silly things or looking silly. It’s all in fun & life should be fun.
I don’t want to be one of those people who acts like some kind of expert on mental illness because I went to a doctor. Those people make me want to punch things…like them.
But, I’ve seen what’s working for me & slowly understanding some of how I ended up so miserable. Two of the things that triggered how I felt we’re my piss poor diet (of nothing) & my lack of exercise. I went from working out 6x/week to yoga @ home 6x/week to…nothing. Sure, I walked everywhere, but I also started eating the snack foods that I had cut out. I wouldn’t eat all day, drank way too much caffeine & barely slept. All of these things can trigger depression like symptoms. Your blood sugar fluctuating causes mood swings & sleep deprivation increases anxiety. I never realized how something as simple as 3 healthy meals & 2 light snacks can make a huge change in one’s attitude. I’m doing yoga again & couch to 5k. It’s already done wonders. I’ve even cut out a big chunk of my caffeine intake.
I always think about what everyone else needs, that I never think about me, what I need, that my feelings are valid too. I make dinner & pick so I know there’s enough if the girls want seconds. I buy them enough clothes to outfit Kenya, but I rarely buy myself anything. I’m not one to get angry about cancelled plans or things like that, but I also never assert myself. By resuming my workout regime, I’m finally doing something for me that makes me happy & only me. I think it’s time I start focusing on myself & what will make me happy & healthy, starting with the body.
I’m still no expert on depression or anything like that. I’m barely qualified to give advice to a goldfish. But I know I’m emerging as MHC again. I’ll look good & feel good while setting a better an example for my girls.
So…apparently I was the only person who watched that train wreck “Ready for Love” as it’s already been cancelled.
Naturally, my mind went to “Oh. Em. Gee. Now how will I know if the annoying matchmakers help the meterosexual douchebags find the person they love for 20 minutes soulmate?!”
Okay, it was more like “If all it took for dating show to be cancelled was for me to watch it, then I’m coming for the Bachelor!”
I have a point, I promise.
I guess people are sick of the phoniness that these shows exhibit. There’s nothing authentic about them, except for maybe the two girls who flew across country to win back the loves of their lives, which was pretty ballsy. Those interactions were genuine, with real conflict and real emotions and the question of whether the decision to leave was the right or wrong thing, and it would have been interesting to see how the one panned out.
It reminded me of something my dad said to me about how people sometimes prefer to be right over being happy. We would rather live in a mess we created than ever admit that it wasn’t the right thing. Sometimes, there is no “right” but more a gray area and wrong. Maybe you’re not sure what the right thing is, but you know your actions are “wrong.” It doesn’t feel right and you’ve messed up but you also can’t swallow that pride or leverage that you have to just admit it to anyone, let alone yourself. Sometimes people say that if it didn’t work the first time, or the second, then why will it work the third? Sometimes people don’t try; they merely escape. Maybe you saw a long term future and it scared you because your last attempt at one of those failed. Maybe you weren’t ready for something, but now that you are, you realize you effed up and you apply to appear on a trainwreck with a bunch of crazy blonde chicks. That’s when you see the failed relationships, the ex creeping (which I’ve already mentioned being creepy HERE) and the general dissatisfaction with your life. But the desire to be “right” and not risk giving your love the power of holding your actions over you outweighs it all and you end up going round in circles…or on a reality show with Bill and Giuliana Rancic.
My foster father always reminded me that being right will never make you happy; being happy does. So, I’m the first one to back down (unless of course I am absolutely certain that I am right, or it is the right thing, or the only solution. Then I’m a freaking pitbull and won’t back down and won’t give up and will endure ridiculous amounts of hurt because I think it’s worth it) because truthfully, the relationship with the friend, partner, etc. brings happiness, which means more than being right. Sometimes, you need to admit you’re dumb, immature, you screwed up, eat that crow because it’s not about being “right” because it’s what’s deterring you from being truly happy. My foster dad always told me that sometimes in life it’s not about winning a battle, it’s about knowing when you need to surrender, something that I remind myself when I pick my battles with my daughters (there isa reason that my 6yo doesn’t own a matching pair of socks), admitting I was wrong in a friendship, or taking a zero on an assignment because I didn’t get it finished. Sometimes, it’s not about who was right, it’s about how everyone was wrong and how to make it right.
So, I guess the burning question now is what I’ll watch after I watch my pretend husband Adam Levine on the Voice. Perhaps there is some kind of Adam Levine network? I should call my provider and find out.
Last night, I couldn’t find my remote, so I couldn’t change the channel after watching my pretend husband Adam Levine on The Voice.
Yes, this shirtless photo of Adam Levine is essential to this blog post…you’re welcome
I was studying for a final so I figured I’d leave whatever the eff was on as background noise. It turned out that it was this dating show called Ready For Love. We all know my feelings on dating shows (if not, click HERE & HERE), yet this was like some kind of weird train wreck. I wanted to get up & change the channel, but I didn’t want to look for my remote because I was morbidly fascinated by this bizarre…thing.
Anywho, the plot is these three guys let matchmakers pick out a bunch of chicks for them & the matchmakers sort of guide dude to find the one…or something (I did learn that the Plain White T’s are still a thing, so there’s that). But one of the girls who was sent packing said that “nice girls finish last.”
Do they?
I’m a nice girl. Sickeningly so. I’m all kinds of Jesus loving, gift buying, naive as all get out, good girl. I give to people until there is nothing left & when I love someone, I’m stupidly devoted to them. I don’t do casual sex. I need to know you love me before you get that (I broke that rule one time, for someone I loved beyond reason) & if you’re in my bed, it means I truly believe you are my match. In fact, I struggle to date again if I’ve given you that, because I feel like I gave you the best I had in me to give & it wasn’t good enough. I would rather waste my life waiting for a person I feel is worth waiting for than date a million people (my online dating profile exists, but it serves for me to reject many boys & only to shut the psych major up hahaha) But do I finish last? I don’t think so. I have a pretty fulfilled life; awesome kids, good friends, an outlet for my talent. Not too shabby. I don’t need a relationship to complete me. I don’t get lonely for a partner. If I do, it’s for a specific person, not just a faceless partner, someone who has qualities I admire, who I feel can be a role model for my daughters, someone I care about.
I think people sort of use that as a crutch to explain why guys are douchebags. Some are, but other men & women just cannot handle having what they’ve wanted; someone who loves them completely. You build the image up in your mind of your ideal mate & most of the time, the image doesn’t fit reality. 90% of the time, the person who is right for us isn’t the person we expected. Some people can roll with that, others can’t. They begin to let doubts creep in because they’re not used to someone essentially looking at them like they’re amazing & they worry about things like “what if I’m not so God-like (chances are, they know)” or “why don’t I see him/her like that? (Chances are you give love differently, it doesn’t mean you love them less, you just love them in your own way)” Soon enough, you feel smothered and guilty because you simply can’t understand that level of acceptance, because you’ve never had it yourself (something I struggle with). Maybe the two of you aren’t on the same page (one is further ahead and you need to slow down) and you don’t know how to say you’re not ready to jump in yet, or vice versa. Maybe they aren’t the mate you envisioned on paper; they’re flighty, or even a little nuts & you question your choice (or you worry about others questioning it). The idea of love is wonderful, the act of maintaining love is terrifying. That’s why so many of us rush into one relationship after another; we’ve been trained to believe that the other person just sucked & it’s because we’re nice & we finish last.
The truth is, that we love the idea of love, not being in love, which is why we always muck up the best relationships & then rush into the next one instead of evaluating what we really want. Perhaps we should have worked harder, or talked to our partner as things happened, so we can apply that to our next relationship. Perhaps we still miss the one we let get away so we try to replace them & end up with a string of failed relationships trying to fill the hole (which my own therapist claims those who feel a hole either a) have terribly low self esteem and need to be in a relationship to feel validated or b) are missing the presence of a former lover that they feel “got away”), while still creeping their online profile because deep down, that’s what we want but we’re too damn stubborn to admit it (something one of the girls did on the train wreck last night. She realized she let someone great go & went to fight for him. The other train wreck chicks were pissed, but I thought it was pretty ballsy to admit you weren’t ready @ the time, but you’re sorry & you are now & you want to try again. He kept her, so maybe he is big into giving someone a million chances).
They say if you care enough to wonder what they’re thinking, then maybe you should care enough to be with them. Of course, most proverbs were written by monks soooo…
It’s not because nice people finish last. It’s because we’ve been taught that people are replaceable & that makes us want everything & nothing; we want someone to complete us, but not get too close, someone to want to be our mate, but not overwhelm us, someone to understand us, even if we don’t tell them what’s wrong. It has to be our time, our way & we are the star of the relationship & it’s not about being a team. It’s not a matter of nice or douchey, because these are things that plague all of us. We need to start working together to meet in the middle. Sometimes we need to start over, sometimes we need to understand that the thing that seemed wrong on paper is the right thing for us, or that not everyone loves the same way & that’s okay, sometimes we need to go backwards before we go forward & sometimes we need to open up before we close the door.
So, nice people don’t finish last. They just struggle to navigate like the rest of the world. We’ll all figure it out…but most likely NOT on a dating show.
First of all, I would like to thank everyone for their kind messages as of late. It’s nice to know that everyone has felt dark or low & wondered how to get through. But, I’ve also found that, while popular, my blog has been dark. I am not generally a dark person, so I’m injecting some much needed light…
…with Jesus & cat memes.
Whether its a message board I frequent, or a class that requires computers, I break up tension by telling people they need Jesus & cat memes. Why? I dunno, it’s funny. I’m not one who likes anger or tension, so I will generally try to lighten moods by cracking jokes or through something ridiculous. I’ll talk about something that makes me happy instead of the blah thing. The world is full of horrible things, so sometimes we need a break from those things to enjoy a laugh or a smile.
I guess sometimes we need to remember that life needs to be fun too. It’s not all seriousness all of the time & we can break up the seriousness of life with some much needed silliness (I mentioned this HERE, complete with an adorable photo of me being very mature).
So, while we must tackle the seriousness, we could always use a break. Dr. Seuss always said “Fun is good,” so lets take a moment each day to do something fun, something silly & laugh, because tomorrow may require seriousness again.
Until then, I leave you with this cat meme (Jesus sold separately).
I always sort of lose a little more faith in humanity when I read things like the Boston Marathon bombings.
I don’t want to be just another blogger who preaches life is a gift, or the everyday heroes, or the like, because when I was a small writer, I always rolled my eyes. But now that I’m older, I realize that sometimes, we all need to relfect on days like today because if we don’t learn from these acts, we repeat them and frankly, too many are repeated.
I know it’s redundant, but we always talk about how we need to love each other and support each other during hard times, but maybe we should do that every day. We shouldn’t need a major disaster to make us pull together as a society and help each other. We should be working every day to be better people. We’re all so damn selfish now (myself included), we think about what benefits us without thinking of the people around us that we end up hurting because we want something or something isn’t quite the way we want it that day. So, we treat people like crap, hurt other people, who hurt other people, until that ripple effect makes the world jaded. While yes, it’s amazing that in times of pain, we can all band together and help each other, we need to remember to do those things when we’re happy, when things are good.
So, I guess the only thing I could say is this; let’s all look at who we are and how we treat people and stop relying on the idea that we’ll do it right the next time, because people are expendable or because we have a ton of time to turn things around. Look at how we have treated people who have offered us nothing but love. Look at how we treated people who accepted us for exactly who we are. How did we treat that total stranger? I know I haven’t been great to those people, I’m sure you haven’t either. If we didn’t have a tomorrow, what kind of legacy would we be leaving behind? Would we be known as the guy who walked out on the family that loved him? The woman who lost sight of the people who cared about her? The man who was cruel to that person who needed help by the side of the road? The person who lied at his job or cheated on her exams? Would we be known as “a great friend, but a bit of an asshole?” or “she’s nice, but sometimes a bitch?” Think of all of the people who were good to you, truly good to you and the legacy you left on them. I know that my legacy is nothing like the one I would want to leave. I have not been good to people who were good to me and I need to be good to them, because we need to remember that life isn’t all about us. Our lives are carefully woven in such a way that our solitary happiness should only be a fragment in the journey. Our lives are constantly connected, through work, school, love, even through social media and the internet. We are all connected and somewhere we lost the idea that our true peace comes from putting the needs of others over our personal wants. We are a much smaller world now, we’re all connected and while maybe we’re not in Boston dealing with a tragedy, perhaps us being kinder to everyone, putting what someone needs over maybe what we wanted and doing the “right” thing will make the ripple effect positive and maybe one day, we can build a legacy of love and finally change the world.
I know it’s a message we repeat, but it bears repeating. Love each other. Be kind. Show compassion where there is none & perhaps we’ll all become better people.
I find it funny how we do not identify ourselves by who we are, but rather the roles we play.
I am very guilty of this, as I am proud of the many hats that I wear on a day-to-day basis, but I’ve often wondered if one of the reasons we as humans succumb to pressure and systematically destroy our lives is our inability to define ourselves by who we are and not the roles we play.
If you ask people who I am, they’ll tell you “she’s a mom and a writer”. I’ll likely echo that statement. I may have added student to that list, but as I’m completing my studies next week, that will no longer be one of the hats that I wear. I define myself by my role as mother and by my job. My work, my talent defines me as a person, not my character traits.
Of course, we all do it. We’re so afraid of those hats, those titles that we start to worry that if we add a new hat, we lose some of our individuality. I loathed being known as a “wife” for some inexplicable reason. I wanted to be known as more. I didn’t mind being known as a “girlfriend” as long as you also recognized that I was a writer, a mom, someone’s friend, a coworker, etc. I think so many of us fear losing our identities by these titles. We destroy the best relationships because we’re going to acquire one of those titles, “spouse” or “partner” and we feel like we will lose ourselves. We want to be known for our education, our employment, our role as leader within the family. But why do we allow ourselves to be identified by these titles? For me, it’s a source of pride. I worked hard and overcame many things to become a published writer, so I use it as a source of pride for myself. I am proud of my children, and enjoy being known as their mother. However, men hide from the title of “husband” because then they feel they must be a leader. Women hide from the title of “wife” because it indicates submissiveness. Much like people see selflessness and kindness as weakness, we allow these titles (or potential titles) to strip us of our identities as people. Truthfully, those who worry that much about losing themselves within a relationship with a friend, lover, etc. likely have the least individuality. They simply take on the traits of those around them and play that role. It’s usually the relationship where we are truly allowed to be ourselves, the dynamics where we are forced to open up and be ourselves is the one that suffers when we struggle to meet expectations, when we struggle after setbacks. After all, it’s easy to settle back into the pretend roles, but not the ones where we have to be ourselves.
Perhaps we should only be identified by who we are, not what we do. Stop letting our occupations, family roles, actions define us. Choose to be known as only “ourselves.” For example, I’m MHC and I’m a mishmash of character traits and flaws and they all come together to be me. We should interact with people who do not define us by “the role” but those who see us for that mishmash of character traits, the good, bad and ugly and still want us around. The ones who think all we need to be is ourselves. That makes for the best friendships, partnerships, relationships, etc. Perhaps I should stop identifying myself by my life’s work or by my titles as well and focus on growing as a person. So, let’s take off the hats and start embracing ourselves and start identifying ourselves by who we are, not what we do and where we fit.
The Misadventures of MHC 