The Misadventures of MHC

Wipe Your Eyes

May 29, 2013May 30, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Current Events, Just Fun, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Political Fluff, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television

An open letter to Adam Levine:

Dear Mr. Levine,

I couldn’t help but notice you’ve gotten yourself into a wee bit of a situation by saying “I hate this country” after the shocking results of last night’s episode of the Voice. You even had to take to Twitter AND release a statement saying that you love America because no other human being has ever said something while irritated. Apparently, saying something while pissed off is now national news. I could definitely understand why you would be frustrated by this negative press and the concern about how it will affect your last team member Amber Carrington. So, I propose a solution;

move to Canada.

Seriously! Move to Canada. We say we hate our country, it’s Prime Minister, and even Toronto’s crack smoking mayor and no one really cares. We’re a pretty apathetic bunch. We also embrace American celebrities who move here while shunning the ones who were born here, except for Dan Akroyd, Ryan Reynolds & Ryan Gosling (we don’t care much for Justin Bieber either, that’s why we sent him to you). We don’t really have tabloids, so you wouldn’t be facing a scandal for getting annoyed with a popular vote and making a sarcastic jab. In fact, we would have likely just blamed Alberta and went back to eating our Tim Horton’s donut and bitched about some shoddy reffing in the Kings/Sharks game.

Yes, Mr. Levine, move to Canada. You will keep your Godlike celebrity status without all of the paparazzi and scandals about nothing. You’ll also get free health care & our music station actually plays videos! Our Prime Minister is kind of a douchebag, but we make fun of him all of the time, so we won’t get offended if you do too, as long as you don’t mock our coffee, Mounted Police or hockey. You can still watch the Lakers and they will always win because the Raptors absolutely suck. We do have country music, but we try to keep it centralized in it’s own province and you could collaborate with one of our amazing musicians. As a supporter of same sex marriage, I am happy to tell you its perfectly legal here! Our money is super pretty & we don’t have annoying pennies anymore. Also, if you need a place to crash, you could stay on my couch.

If this doesn’t work, well you could always just take your shirt off and I’m pretty sure America will forgive you. I know I would. Either way, it’s your call.

Sincerely, MHC

Wordless Wednesday: I Want

May 29, 2013May 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dorkdom, Just Fun

Just for fun, this is pretty much how every conversation starts when I meet a new person.

There and Back Again

May 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Just Fun, Mommydom

Today, I read a hilarious blog post on Motherhood WTF and it reminded me of an incident I experienced during my adventures in parenting I like to call “Vindication.”

Two years ago, my two eldest children refused to clean their playroom. Nothing I did or said would convince them to clean their playroom. I would ask, threaten, yell, bribe, punish, reward and nothing I did would get them to clean their playroom.

Finally, I called my foster mom and said to her; “I’m sorry for my teenage bedroom.”

My housekeeping skills aren’t exactly top notch. It’s been something I’ve been working on for several years and I’m finally getting into a routine where my house is actually clean on a regular basis (unless of course you came over right now. I have to rebuild the house after the children go to bed hahaha). So, my teenage bedroom was a mess of clothes, Beanie Babies and posters of hunks. Nothing was put away the way it should be. Nothing. My parents rode me constantly about it and I never listened.

So, my apologetic phone call brought about all sorts of giggles from my foster mom.

“Not so fun, is it?”

Nope, it sure isn’t. I think every parent has that moment of “You finally get yours” when their child has to admit that they sound like their parent. I know I quote my foster mom on a regular basis. Clearly she taught me well, after all, I find most of my parenting style was taken from her example.

Someday, I’ll get my big parenting vindication, when one of my daughters calls me and tells me the same thing; that I was right about one of our biggest mother/daughter squabbles. Until then, I’ll just remind myself that glorious day is coming and its going to feel amazing.

Music Again

May 25, 2013May 25, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

When I was a kid, I only had two goals in my life. I wanted to be a writer and I wanted to sing.

Fast forward to my 19th year of life, when I took a chance and applied to Humber College’s Bachelor of Music program (and journalism to fall back on). Shockingly enough, I received an advanced acceptance to both! I was so excited and I told my music teacher Mrs. Christmas (no her first name wasn’t Mary. That was her husband’s first wife) who reiterated what the faculty @ Humber said, that my future in performing arts was limited because while I was a talented singer, I had a squeak. The squeak would prevent me from ever becoming a successful performer. So, I gave up on my dream of full time performing and focused solely on writing. This is likely for the best, as I am a much better performer than I am a singer.

Anywho, years later (you don’t need to know how many), my friend Yogi said she wanted to sing @ karaoke with me and I sent her an audio clip of me singing acapella and she told me that it was great! No mention of the dreaded squeak that made me somehow untalented. Just that I was awesome. So, from that day on, I accepted the squeak.

We all have something like that. I am an amazing person except for ____. However, we need to swap out “except” with “accept”. By embracing the things about us and the people around us that totally suck, we will be able to truly love ourselves for who and what we are. So, I will always accept the parts of me that suck and be completely accepting of my flaws, just like my squeak. I seriously contemplated uploading audio of me singing my favourite song (Stubborn Love by the Lumineers) because I’m pretty sure I squeak a lot, but I am techno stupid and I don’t know how to do that.

So, the next time someone says “you’re great except…” just swap that word for “accept” and love who you are, squeak and all.

All To Myself

May 22, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Just Fun, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife

A.K.A. Random-assnisity.

I know that chances are, my next updates will be darker in tone, as my life runs from happy-silly to dark on a regular basis, so I decided to write a fluffy, silly little post in the hopes of making everyone laugh. I like to break up the seriousness of life with random-ass silliness, which is kind of the point of this sort of silly little post today.

So, here are 20 random ass things about MHC.

1. I’ve decided to stop my tattoo count @ nine. This means I need three more. I know what they will be and where they will go because I’m awesome.

2. I actually had the most refreshingly interesting conversation about parenting with someone who doesn’t have any kids. He has his own blog, that I would strongly suggest you check out.

3. The necklace I wear every day is the Triforce. People either ask if I love the Legend of Zelda, or if I am in the Illuminati. My answer varies depending on my mood.

4. I will never understand how Lil Wayne is a thing.

5. Before completing this blog post, I was dancing around the house, singing the song that is the title of this post. It was awesome.

6. I’m lying; my dancing was terrible and my 3yo gave me crap for the curse word.

7. I have not eaten my entire lunch by myself since my eldest daughter started eating solid food. Today is no exception.

8. I’m allergic to grass. This makes mowing my lawn difficult and I have actually lost my dog in the grass. But every time I go to mow it, it rains, so I can only assume that God doesn’t want me to mow my lawn.

9. My mom yelled @ me for letting the kids play AROUND THE CORNER. I may have laughed @ her.

10. My mom may be pissed at me.

11. I do not for the life of me understand the point of the show Adventure Time. My 6yo doesn’t get the adult humour and thinks it’s the most awesome show in the history of everything, but I stare blankly and go…WTF?

12. I will gladly use words I make up in sentences and hyperbole such as eleventy million, but don’t you dare say “Funner.”

13. I watch Sailor Moon. Sometimes my kids aren’t even awake. Sometimes I’m a loser.

14. I sometimes can’t tell my cats apart. This is why I’m glad I never had twins.

15. I have an overwhelming urge to watch Dr. Strangelove.

16. I use Listerine like that guy in My Big Fat Greek Wedding uses Windex.

17. I’m determined to own a French and English copy of Le Petit Prince.

18. To this day, I have yet to have someone “Dessine-moi une mouton.”

19. I still like boy bands. Yes, even NKOTB. No, not the new ones. Especially not the Wanted.

20. I may have convinced my youngest daughter to stay out of the basement by telling her boogey-monster lives down there and it eats anyone under the age of 5. She now yells down the basement well wishes to the boogey-monster, like “Good morning Boogey-Monster! Have a good day!”

Cry

May 21, 2013May 21, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, Mommydom, Seriously WTF?

There are two very different facets of my personality.

There is the adorably dynamic & charismatic bubble brain that people know & love & there is another side, that I like to call “Crazy crying MH.”

Crazy crying MH is actually super annoying. She strains my relationships because people perceive me as weak & people feel the urge to protect me from bad things. It means my logical mind cannot process what’s happening, or I’m feeling overwhelmed, or an extreme emotion, like betrayal, sadness, confusion, etc. It’s frustrating for the people around me & I love the people who @ least try to be my friend even though Crazy crying MH exists.

My parents handled it easily, they told me that my emotions were high & to retreat to my room while I had a chance to calm down. I asked the friends who have known me my entire life how they handled my melodramatic crying jags & they said “we told you to shut the f*ck up & you would stop & be like, sorry about that. Then you’d talk like a normal person & be cool again.” There is one person in this world who can calm my self imposed hysteria by saying my name. However, I hate Crazy crying MH.

I hate her because she brings back that desperate need to be approved of, loved & accepted. When I feel lost, or like my interpersonal relationships are strained or that I can’t communicate my feelings properly, that’s when I become that person that I hate. My ex husband is right on the level that I allow my friends to influence me & my choices more than I’d like, because deep down, I’m afraid that their lack of approval in my profession, my choice in mate, my hair, et al, that I’ll lose some of their respect, which prompts me to second guess myself, which brings out Crazy crying MH, which makes them lose respect for me, which makes me cry more, which brings about the cycle of suck.

But it all comes back to me & my reluctance to be confident in my life, my choices, my path. Wasn’t the whole point of escaping the controlling douche husband for me to become my own person? So, why does it matter if my friends approve of every little thing? I don’t agree with all of their choices, why do I expect them to agree with all of mine & why does it weigh on me when they don’t approve? I don’t like the idea that people will view my friends like they’re my bodyguards, it’s disrespectful to them, because I don’t want my friends to feel like they have to be my brute squad, because then I’ve given them a job & I don’t want to burden people with protecting me. Maybe more people should tell me to STFU, because I’m more likely to snap out of the crying zone & defend my choices.

So, while I’m forced to accept that Crazy crying MH is a facet of my personality, I don’t have to let her out. I need to stop worrying about whether or not everyone agrees & just do what I feel is right & if I’m wrong, then stand by my mistake. This way my friends won’t feel like they need to guard me like a baby chick & I can eventually bury Crazy crying MH until she comes out so rarely, it’s a shock when we see her.

Just a Step Away

May 19, 2013May 19, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Mommydom, My New Life As Me

Today on the way to church, my daughters made about a million wishes on dandelion fluff.

I remember as a child, I lived in a city and dandelions came few and far between, so when I saw one, I would race to it and make the most outlandish wish I could think of. I for a unicorn, to have magic powers, to become a princess, all sorts of silly things. I wanted to make that thing count.

My three year old hasn’t mastered the art of the “Don’t tell anyone or it won’t come true,” as she makes her wishes out loud. They’re all the same; “I wish the fluff would help Jesus find my best friend and bring her back to play with me forever.” My 6 year old wishes for more fluff, then screams “It came true!” like Anne Hathaway at the Oscars when she finds more fluff. My 11 year old still makes wishes and still treats them like they are sacred, not telling anyone and closing her eyes. I make wishes too, but as I’m allergic to pollen, knowing the little spores are going to become 900 more dandelions sucks some fun out of it.

I love that something so simple, like a wish on dandelion fluff can make them so happy. It’s fun, and sometimes I still make wishes. Of course, I’m old enough to know that the dandelion fluff won’t bring me a unicorn, but sometimes it’s fun to think there is some magical property in a little fluffy ball. I mentioned finding the simple joys in my last post, and a few months ago, I talked about the idea that adults should still believe in magic…just a little. While we all know that only hard work gets us where we need to be, it’s nice to think that perhaps that wish we make on a star (which I still do, me and my love of stars) will somehow get us over that last hurdle and put it all together.

So, let’s all slow down, stop the hussle and bussle of our every day lives and make a silly little wish on some dandelion fluff. Enjoy the day and the small joys that come with something that simple. You might find yourself forgetting about the lawn and smiling, remembering the small child that enjoyed doing this oh so long ago.

Steal My Sunshine

May 17, 2013May 17, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Just Fun, My New Life As Me

This is my ode to my one true love (that isn’t writing): the sun.

I love the sun! It’s so warm & happy & everything is better when it happens on a sunny day. My personal slice of Heaven is listening to my eclectic blend of music while walking in the happy sunny sun. However, I do not tan. My father’s death from melanoma requires me to be more sun conscious (also, the only thing paler than me is a corpse. I burn way too easily. The sun & I have a complex relationship).

But my joy whenever I see the sun reminds me that every day can be made exponentially better through simple pleasures. Mine is molten magma in the sky & the soothing vocals of David Cook & Matt Nathanson (today). I’m sure you have one too, whether its that glass of wine after a long day, watching puppies play, et al. I couldn’t imagine living a life where simple little joys couldn’t make me happy. Maybe I’m just easily amused.

However, everyone should find their small joy & enjoy it today. Revel in life’s smallest pleasures, for they’re so much easier to find & plentiful.

As for me, I’ll be enjoying the sunshine.

Let Her Go

May 14, 2013May 14, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I’m a firm believer that with great power comes great responsibility.

I personally don’t believe that celebs get to complain about the paparazzi hounding them, as they use the media to promote themselves, their careers, etc. so naturally there is a bad side with the good. However, there is a limit. I don’t feel celebrity children should be photographed, they did not choose that lifestyle. But there is also a limit to what should and should not be published, such as rumours that are vile, unfounded, etc.

This brings me to Beyoncé Knowles, who has recently been admitted to hospital for exhaustion amidst pregnancy rumours. People Magazine reported the story and the keyboard warriors came out in full force, slamming Knowles, her husband Jay-Z, her daughter Blue and questioned the validity of her first pregnancy, claiming she used a surrogate and she needed to provide evidence that she had given birth to satisfy them. Knowles has released photos of her pregnancy belly (I hate the term baby bump) in her documentary “Life is But a Dream” but people still claim that Knowles has not “proven” she was pregnant and that her baby daughter is ugly.

This makes me wonder how much free time we as a society have when we demand proof that a stranger gave birth to a child. Does it really matter how Blue came into the world? It could have been a surrogate, adoption, or Knowles gave birth to her, as she has said. That is Knowles and Jay-Z’s daughter and they love her. How she was born is irrelevant. Blue is also a 16 month old child and not famous. Her parents are famous entertainers, but she is a baby. Insulting her appearance, her temperament, etc. is just cruel. In this day and age, when adults tell children not to bully children, those same adults turn around and bully a 16 month child, as well as other celebrity children, including Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Suri Cruise. These are small children and completely irrelevant to the lives of the people who harass them. Why such vitriol for small children, or even the celebrity parents?

I’m not a huge Beyoncé Knowles fan. I enjoy a few of her songs, but I’m not going to rush out to see her concerts or anything. However, I’m also not going to question whether or not she was really pregnant with her daughter, insult her baby’s appearance, or claim she’s part of the illuminati. I’m going to listen to the songs that I like. Perhaps we as a society should stop looking for reasons to tear down a happily married couple who are successful and just enjoy their bodies of work, not belittle their defenseless child or demand access to a woman’s private moments. After all, if someone had questioned whether or not I had given birth, I would punch you in the face. Kudos to Knowles for handling these rumours with class and grace.