Cry

There are two very different facets of my personality.

There is the adorably dynamic & charismatic bubble brain that people know & love & there is another side, that I like to call “Crazy crying MH.”

Crazy crying MH is actually super annoying. She strains my relationships because people perceive me as weak & people feel the urge to protect me from bad things. It means my logical mind cannot process what’s happening, or I’m feeling overwhelmed, or an extreme emotion, like betrayal, sadness, confusion, etc. It’s frustrating for the people around me & I love the people who @ least try to be my friend even though Crazy crying MH exists.

My parents handled it easily, they told me that my emotions were high & to retreat to my room while I had a chance to calm down. I asked the friends who have known me my entire life how they handled my melodramatic crying jags & they said “we told you to shut the f*ck up & you would stop & be like, sorry about that. Then you’d talk like a normal person & be cool again.” There is one person in this world who can calm my self imposed hysteria by saying my name. However, I hate Crazy crying MH.

I hate her because she brings back that desperate need to be approved of, loved & accepted. When I feel lost, or like my interpersonal relationships are strained or that I can’t communicate my feelings properly, that’s when I become that person that I hate. My ex husband is right on the level that I allow my friends to influence me & my choices more than I’d like, because deep down, I’m afraid that their lack of approval in my profession, my choice in mate, my hair, et al, that I’ll lose some of their respect, which prompts me to second guess myself, which brings out Crazy crying MH, which makes them lose respect for me, which makes me cry more, which brings about the cycle of suck.

But it all comes back to me & my reluctance to be confident in my life, my choices, my path. Wasn’t the whole point of escaping the controlling douche husband for me to become my own person? So, why does it matter if my friends approve of every little thing? I don’t agree with all of their choices, why do I expect them to agree with all of mine & why does it weigh on me when they don’t approve? I don’t like the idea that people will view my friends like they’re my bodyguards, it’s disrespectful to them, because I don’t want my friends to feel like they have to be my brute squad, because then I’ve given them a job & I don’t want to burden people with protecting me. Maybe more people should tell me to STFU, because I’m more likely to snap out of the crying zone & defend my choices.

So, while I’m forced to accept that Crazy crying MH is a facet of my personality, I don’t have to let her out. I need to stop worrying about whether or not everyone agrees & just do what I feel is right & if I’m wrong, then stand by my mistake. This way my friends won’t feel like they need to guard me like a baby chick & I can eventually bury Crazy crying MH until she comes out so rarely, it’s a shock when we see her.