Wipe Your Eyes

An open letter to Adam Levine:

Dear Mr. Levine,

I couldn’t help but notice you’ve gotten yourself into a wee bit of a situation by saying “I hate this country” after the shocking results of last night’s episode of the Voice. You even had to take to Twitter AND release a statement saying that you love America because no other human being has ever said something while irritated. Apparently, saying something while pissed off is now national news. I could definitely understand why you would be frustrated by this negative press and the concern about how it will affect your last team member Amber Carrington. So, I propose a solution;

move to Canada.

Seriously! Move to Canada. We say we hate our country, it’s Prime Minister, and even Toronto’s crack smoking mayor and no one really cares. We’re a pretty apathetic bunch. We also embrace American celebrities who move here while shunning the ones who were born here, except for Dan Akroyd, Ryan Reynolds & Ryan Gosling (we don’t care much for Justin Bieber either, that’s why we sent him to you). We don’t really have tabloids, so you wouldn’t be facing a scandal for getting annoyed with a popular vote and making a sarcastic jab. In fact, we would have likely just blamed Alberta and went back to eating our Tim Horton’s donut and bitched about some shoddy reffing in the Kings/Sharks game.

Photo by: Art Streiber/NBC
Photo by: Art Streiber/NBC

Yes, Mr. Levine, move to Canada. You will keep your Godlike celebrity status without all of the paparazzi and scandals about nothing. You’ll also get free health care & our music station actually plays videos! Our Prime Minister is kind of a douchebag, but we make fun of him all of the time, so we won’t get offended if you do too, as long as you don’t mock our coffee, Mounted Police or hockey. You can still watch the Lakers and they will always win because the Raptors absolutely suck. We do have country music, but we try to keep it centralized in it’s own province and you could collaborate with one of our amazing musicians. As a supporter of same sex marriage, I am happy to tell you its perfectly legal here! Our money is super pretty & we don’t have annoying pennies anymore. Also, if you need a place to crash, you could stay on my couch.

If this doesn’t work, well you could always just take your shirt off and I’m pretty sure America will forgive you. I know I would. Either way, it’s your call.

Sincerely, MHC