Category: MH vs Dating

We Remain

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dorkdom, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately, mainly because my friend is doing a lot of it. She’s on a new first date almost every weekend. I wish I could be that person sometimes; the person who can detach themselves until they’re ready to get attached, I’m not sure why. But I’m not. I’m just that one man girl. However, as I (hopefully) move into my new home (as house hunting has become a clusterf*ck), I realize that I need to be open to the idea of falling in love again. I don’t think I’m ready just yet, but in case I do meet someone in my new city, I need to be open to the idea that my Mr. Right is there somewhere. So, over the last few weeks, I’ve been focusing on finding a house, letting go of the life I knew & opening myself up to the idea of dating again.

I know there is a right person out there for me. I don’t know if I’ve met them, if I haven’t, but they are somewhere. But I figure he should be prepared for what life with me will be like, so I wrote this letter.

Dear Soulmate,

I don’t know if I’ve met you yet. Maybe I did. Maybe we’ve dated & messed it up & the universe keeps trying to make it right. Maybe you’re the hot guy @ the Wind Mobile store who gave me directions while house hunting last month. Maybe you’re one of those first dates I never gave a chance. Maybe you’re a childhood friend I’ll casually bump into. Maybe you’re someone I’ve never met & when I do, I’ll know why everyone before you sucked. But once the universe puts us together, I wanted to let you know a few things so we can work.

1. My kids & my writing come first. Always. These are my true loves & I need to put them first. They were here before you. They’ll be here after you. I don’t expect you to raise my girls, but if you meet them, I expect you to love them. If you promise them something, keep it. Be good to them. Treat them the way you would want me to treat your family. They are sweet, wonderful children & they will love you so much. Don’t break their hearts. Respect my writing. Know it’s my life. Be proud of me when I land a great story because I’ll be thrilled to death.

2. My life is generally a chaotic mess of my own making. I’m trying; really. If you could just stick around & gently help me learn the values of organization & time management instead of tsk tsking, I’d really appreciate it.

3. I’m good in a crisis, but little things tear me to pieces. There’s a reason, and someday I’ll tell you.

4. I will always be afraid that you’ll leave me. ALWAYS. It’s not that I won’t trust you, it’s just I’m always afraid of losing people. It’ll make me clingy sometimes. Just sit me down & look me in the eye & tell me to chill out because you love me & it’ll be okay.

5. Please don’t ask my friends how to talk to me, or to relay info to me. Please talk to me. Things get messed up that way. Let’s keep everything between us (& with your permission, high level blog fodder).

6. I won’t get jealous per say, but I will tell you if something is bothering me. I will also trust you to handle those situations in a way that you see fit. I don’t tell men what to do. I explain why it bugs me & trust you. I don’t see the point in getting pissy.

7. I’ll have infinite patience for your crap. I’ll give you a million chances & if you’re worth it, take you back if you walk away. Because I love unconditionally, without restrictions & see you for what you are & embrace it. You will be safe & adored with me. You will be treated like Superman.

8. That doesn’t mean treat me like crap either. I’m not going to devalue me for you like I did with all of my other relationships with men. If I’m kissing your ass because I think you’re Prince Charming, than you should treat me like post-slipper Cinderella. You should know that I’m beautiful & special & I deserve to be happy too. You should want to make me as happy as I’m dying to make you & if you don’t want to do that, then you are too selfish to be with ANYONE, least of all me. Relationships are about loving each other, not sucking someone’s love like a sponge & leaving them when your ego is boosted, or expecting someone to be your saviour & make you feel awesome while you are degrading or abusing me. One person shouldn’t be doing all of the giving. I will always give you more, it’s my nature, but I’m not going to accept a man’s complete lack of effort. Love is work. Love is about doing the right thing for the other person, because even if it wasn’t what you might have wanted, you made that person happy. If you try, even a little, I’ll give you the damn world; but I think I’m worth you making me a little happy too. I am smart & pretty & charismatic & charming. I am strong & patient & brave & have survived more than you will ever know. I am driven to succeed & have done well thus far. I am great @ trivia & can use big words in their proper context. I’m well read & elegant, but love wrestling & beer. I’m awesome & I’m worth a lot: I’m worth swallowing pride for. I’m worth admitting you are wrong & I am worth fighting for, even if you’re fighting some internal battle with yourself & if you don’t know that, then there is another man that will & this letter is for him.

9. I’m weird. I sing along with mall music, I’m often immature. I’m a general goofball. I generally have the weight of the world on my shoulders, so when I get to be “free” I like to let loose. I don’t care how much I love you, I will hang up on you during a boss fight while playing Zelda & I strongly recommend backing off on criticizing The Hunger Games trilogy. I’m a proud nerd. I will whip your ass @ Mario Kart & attempt to whip your ass @ Halo & I’ll definitely whip your ass @ Backgammon as I learned from the master; my father. I’ll also do all of this while explaining life lessons found in To Kill a Mockingbird, Edgar Allen Poe & Winnie the Pooh.

Just one of my nerdier moments
Just one of my nerdier moments

10. I'm crazy. General anxiety disorder is the technical term. I have panic attacks. So, when crap goes wrong, I'll freak out. I'll be terrified that everything is wrong. I'll try to pull you closer because I don't want to lose you. I do it to my friends too. Please don't pull away, even if that's your instinct, because it'll make me more afraid, as during these periods I'm as emotionally fragile as a baby bird. Just hold me & talk me through it & I'll go back to being the perfectly understanding girlfriend who doesn't get mad & allows you all of your space in about half an hour. If I am holding on too tightly, tell me. Say "MH, I get it, but chill the eff out because I feel strangled." I'll listen. But I can't do that if you don't tell me. I don't read minds & if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll get more panicked trying to fix it. Tell me what's going on & we'll work on it together.

11. Sometimes I'm going to need you to be my rock. I'll be yours too. I'll be yours through everything. Just come to me & I'll make it okay. In fact, I'll prally be there more for you than me, because I generally bottle things up until I'm crazy, crying MH. Please find this endearing, or at least tolerable, because no one ever does.

12. I will never pretend to like your sports or your crappy music or that lame show you watch. But I’ll sit through them while making you food & I won’t ask stupid questions. I don’t expect you to like mine either. However, a healthy appreciation for pancakes is appreciated.

13. I take sex super seriously, so be willing to wait.

14. I hate geese but I will kill spiders.

15. This may seem like a pretty big list, but I promise you it’s super simple, because I’ll love you more & better than a anyone else pretty much ever. I’ll treat you like you’re the best non-parenting thing that ever happened to me. I’ll gush about you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’ll be your ally in life and we’ll be a team. I promise I’ll make loving me worth it by giving you everything you ever wanted. But if all else fails, I’m really pretty. That should help a little.

See? Super pretty!
See? Super pretty!

I’m excited to see who you turn out to be. I hope we have an amazing love story, like some Nicholas Sparks level junk. I hope you’ll know how much I love you & how much I’ll value & respect you. I hope you know how much I’ll put up with to make you happy & I hope you’ll do the same for me. I hope you’ll know that I already think you’re amazing & I don’t even know who you are! I hope you’re wondering if you’ll ever meet a person just like me (or how to return to me, or turn friendship into love or if I’ll come back to your Wind Mobile kiosk). Like Katy Perry says, “I know you’re out there & you’re looking for me,” & I hope you come soon, because while I’m cool with single life, I kind of want to stare into your eyes & have my breath taken away.

xoxo
-MHC

Mirror

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

A good friend of mine sent me this article last week & I’ve been reading it & rereading it for about a week.

I guess it hit home because it could have been written by…me (save for a few parts, as the article references adultery, which was not an issue & some of the character definitions were a little strong. But the jist of it).

For a year I struggled to get over the man I thought was so amazing, but everyone, even his best friends said was a psychopath & a jerk. I just recently wrote a sobbing piece because I love him so much that I would literally do anything for him & he wouldn’t do a damn thing for me. This came after he told my friend he was coming back for me after a year of healing. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. But now, I think I understand.

There was NOTHING I could have done.

He’s too damaged.

He’s too broken.

He’s a narcissist who uses women to feel happy & then crushes them to rebuild an ego broken long ago. He’s as bitter and broken as everyone said. I am very flawed, but this wasn’t me. I could have been PERFECT but it never would have been enough. Like my girlfriend said that night, “he’ll always just want more.”

So, I’m going to do what I was unable to do for so long. Not just because I had been conditioned by him to believe he’d come back, but because of all the things the article said. I feel better, knowing it took others just as long to heal. But now I’m going to find someone who loves me & wants to make me happy too. Because I deserve that.

I can’t promise follow through if he were in front of me, but I would never initiate a conversation if I saw him or even go over to say hi. No. But I’m not going to punish myself for his actions anymore. He proudly manipulated me. That’s him. Not me. It’s not my fault that he’s that person that destroys people. I gave him the best I had; not perfect, but I tried. By his own admission, he never put in a single ounce of effort. He was happy & then when he got spooked, he made the choice not to talk to me & push me away. HE chose to reach out right when I was moving on & then watch my heart break from the sidelines, boosting his ego. He didn’t have to put my friend in the middle, further straining my relationship with someone I’m wondering how much of a friend they were. He could have called, sent flowers with a card, come to my damn door. But no, he needed to feel loved & I was an easy target . He likely needs help (& I wanted to help him so badly), because my friend was right, he’s everything she said he was & I was just another notch, while he was the love of my life…for now. But like 80% of the population, he deflects it on to the women he crushes. Always them. Never him. I wasn’t perfect, but I was good to him. It’s all I wanted to be. I forgave all the jerk stuff. The number of times he walked out for no reason. Gave him a free pass to walk back in. I made mistakes, sometimes I needed reassurance. Sometimes I overreacted. Sometimes I pushed too hard to get to know him because I was so afraid that he’d turn out like the others & physically hurt me. I let my own past scare me & I would get afraid that he’d walk out again that I would try too damn hurt. But I was good to him & his child, better than I had been to any man. But, it’ll always need to be more. Even after all of this time & his claims he manipulated me for fun, etc. I still believed that he was the facade he created. But now I know they were right. He is everything they said & not worth the tears I cried.

So, I’ll meet someone & they’ll be the one. Or the one that sticks. But it doesn’t scare me anymore. Because he’ll never love anyone, not me, not himself, to evaluate why he continues to hit & run, only to look back & reach out & hurt me over & over. I used to believe that he loved me, & that he needs to work on himself because he leaves all of these people in his wake, & that I wanted to help him figure out why he did this to himself so I could give him the emotional support he needed, but I think maybe my friend is right & he’s too screwed up to love someone (or himself) & be happy. He’ll never love anyone, not me, not his child, not himself to admit that underneath all of the narcissism & bravado & vanity, he hates himself & still asks “what if” about every choice he makes. He punishes himself so much for past sins & women for the mistakes the one he loved first made & had he let me in, I would have helped him have the life that he wanted. But he’ll never admit that he hates himself & always hide behind his ego. Every woman will fail him, because he wants everything & nothing & complete control & to never have to make a choice to be second guessed & judged. He’ll never let someone close enough to him to let him see that he doesn’t need to push everyone away, he doesn’t need to play the jerk womanizer. He’ll always want perfection (while giving next to nothing) & no one is perfect. He’ll never see that someone loving him the way he wants isn’t “clingy” or “too invested” & he’ll always hold onto to the ghosts of the few women he did love & that hurt him (or that he hurt) & use that as an excuse for why he hurts women. He’ll always do this, to every woman & hide behind the masks & he’ll never truly be happy. Somehow, that is the saddest part of it all. Because he deserves to be happy. Not “happy with me,” but happy in life, even if his source of happiness was tearing me apart for sport, because while he may have lied, I didn’t. I only wanted him here if he wanted to be, because he loved me & because he knew that no matter what happened, I’d love him unconditionally & I’d do anything to make him happy. But if he didn’t want that, then I wanted him to find what he did want. I only believed it was me because he always found a way to talk about me, observe me. I never chased him, he sought me out, to the point where it strained my friendships because they felt in the middle. I let him go, just like he asked, but he made sure I knew he was around, just close enough to keep his hold but not enough to be here. I didn’t think it was a game; I thought he loved me & didn’t know what he wanted. I thought he was torn between doing the right thing & his own selfish ways. He always said I knew him better than he knew himself, so I thought if I just waited & lived my life, he’d sort through his desire to be the “family man” & “the man whore” & his love for me & my girls would win out in the end. I wanted to give him every chance to come back, finally let me in & I would love the person he truly was. I knew how hard it was for him & I was going to love him so much that he never had to feel like anything less than my Prince Charming. Had he ever shown up, he told me to tell him no, but I wouldn’t have. No, I would have told him that I love him & I understand. I will always understand & I’d hold him & tell him we made mistakes, but we’ll learn & get through it. I was going to give him whatever he needed to feel happy & comfortable & he’d finally have what he always wanted; someone who loved him enough to make him a priority, & look past all of the self sabotage, love him when he’s his worst & take the meanness & see the man he truly is; the vulnerable & sweet person who just wants someone to love them but fears losing them or letting them down, so he has to push them away, hurt them, break their heart so his will never get broken again. I wanted to show him that as he got closer, he wouldn’t get hurt, because I couldn’t hurt him, because it’s not in my nature. Even now, I couldn’t hurt him because I’m in love with him & want him to be happy. I could never have hurt him on purpose & had I by accident, I would have done anything I could to make it up to him. I was going to love him enough to make up for all the women that broke his heart. But, in the end, he’ll always pull away so he doesn’t get hurt again. Kill or be killed…& I got slaughtered. He lied; I didn’t. I meant what I said; I love him & only want the best for him, because he is a good man somewhere in there. The man I love was real. So, I’ll choose to remember the man I love, and not the man he showed me he really was and someday, I hope he becomes the man I saw, because he’s amazing & could change the world. He is the sweet, gentle man I fell in love with & he could be so much more than he allows himself to be, if he would heal the wounds that forced him to become what he is; a broken man who refuses to let anyone near him & pushes away everyone who truly loves him in favour of boosting his ego, not realizing that if he would let someone truly love him, he could be happy, the greatest ego boost of all.

Shallow Days

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media, Television

Spoiler: Do not read if you have not yet watched the season premiere of Glee.

I rarely watch television, but there are about four shows that I enjoy & one of them is Glee.

I was disappointed that I missed the premiere (as I was on a train heading home from house hunting), so I followed along on Social Media & was delighted to read that my favourite couple, Kurt & Blaine had reconciled & were now engaged. As I read the details of the over the top proposal, I read people everywhere demanding a proposal like that, which reminded me of a recent post on one of my favourite blogs, Mommy Man, sharing my disdain for over the top marriage proposals. (Something I mention on this site regularly after the finale of the Bachelorette)

Credit: Fox Television
Credit: Fox Television

I do not find them romantic; I always feel like that Star Wars character that screams “it’s a trap!” After all, your whole family is there, or an arena full of people, or a flash mob & they’re all staring @ you waiting for an answer, so you have to say yes or you’re an asshole. Then you have to plan a wedding, where the bride is the centre of attention & everyone is staring & critiquing everything, & everyone is mad because so & so wasn’t invited or the bridesmaids hate their dresses & nothing is about the celebration of two people joining their lives, it’s about this party that’s worth the down payment of a house & the whole process freaks me out. While it’s sweet when Blaine plans this for Kurt, as the world of Glee is meant to be over the top, I’d probably stand there, deer caught in the headlights & then puke.

I caught up with an old friend this week & we were talking about how she & her partner are in no rush to wed because it just works for them & she reminded me that even when we were kids, I was never the “wedding” type. I always said I wanted to elope & we would just tell people when we felt like it. I’m not good with commitment; I’ve discussed it twice. Once with the sudden proposal & I spent my entire engagement trying to get out of the wedding, including nearly jilting my ex-husband @ the altar. I got my amazing daughters, so the union wasn’t a total wash, but it’s apparent that marrying him was a mistake. The second time we made a plan & the closer we got to the planned date, the more I panicked. Were we ready? Were we skipping steps? Too fast? Too slow? Do we really have to have a wedding where people will quietly judge me for being married twice? Can’t we just stay in the place we are in the relationship & just remain, because the person was right, but the timing of the engagement plan is all wrong. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person & that’s why it freaked me out. Or, I self sabotage. Whatever.

I’ve often wondered if I fail being a girl because there is no dream ring, dream wedding on Pinterest. I know my limitations & commitment is one of them. I’d either need to be engaged for a million years or one day, where the person I love shows up @ my door & tells me that no matter how much of a mess the rest of life, our relationship might be, loving me is the right thing & we just elope that day. Maybe that’s the key to relationships; keeping everyone else out, which is my big beef about these elaborate proposals. I’ve learned that sometimes, well intentioned friends & family members will butt in to your relationship when times aren’t pretty & it’s up to the two of you to keep them out, because then your relationship becomes the source of third party gossip, with someone else’s hyperbole & is usually completely wrong. Ignore them, talk to each other. You’re killing the trust by listening to your friends & family (or theirs!) over your partner. It’s okay to talk to someone for advice, but I’ve learned you need to limit that too. So, by inviting them all to your choreographed, Bruno Mars lipsynched proposal, you’ve invited them to be part of your relationship. While it’s sweet that you want to share that moment, the choice to make a lifetime commitment should be a private one, the celebration (the wedding) can involve family. When my marriage was falling apart, I had so many people offer me advice because “I was at your wedding,” so obviously they knew how to fix it. Generally, when I’m fixating, I just want a sounding board. I don’t want advice from the peanut gallery, as it makes my mind more jumbled.

I think I’m more like another Glee character, Emma Schuester (nee Pillsbury), who just cannot handle the pressure of a big, public commitment & giant wedding. The actual choice to share my life with someone will always freak me out, even if it feels like the right person. Emma jilted her fiancé Will because the wedding & the choice freaked her out & they went back to dating. They later wed in the choir room, with only their students present. And while it might seem lame to most, the idea of myself & my partner (& the legally required two witnesses) being the only ones present when we make a commitment (after I’ve breathed in the bag) sounds better than all of the flash mobs, dance numbers & Beatles covers in the world.

Credit: Fox Television
Credit: Fox Television

One Grain of Sand

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Just Fun, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Television, Vampire Diaries

I think it’s time that I once again retire from the world of online dating.

Not just because I’m in the middle of a huge life transition and it’s not a good idea to start a relationship in the midst of that. Not just because we’ve established that I am the most stubborn person on Earth.

Mainly because…it’s stupid.

My hippie friend and her husband met online and made it. Their love story is beautiful and they make me happy. But everyone else I know, it failed. However, my Muricah food tour companion said the same thing I did (she uses her POF account to “laugh @ the winners.” We actually had a contest to see who could shoot down some poor moron in the most original capacity); it feels like forcing something that isn’t really there.

I want the love story. I want that epic Noah and Allie where you work out the misunderstandings, even though it took forever for them to finally decide to sit down and actually talk, but when they did, they realize they had wasted so much time not trusting each other and talking about things as they happened, letting outside influences stick their noses in, but they worked it out and built a beautiful life. Just like my 12 year old suggested, I want the Stefan and Elena (book version, not ruined TV show version) where they just knew, no matter what happened between them, they just knew. She often tells me where my supposed epic love is. She tells me so in between bouts of hating me. I want that moment, that moment where you look @ that person and think they’re cute and why didn’t you notice before or you stop dead in your tracks and think…wow, who is that? You don’t get that moment from the internet.

stefan-and-elena-dangerous-liaisons-314

I have always wanted the epic love like my friend and fellow blogger Nancy at Whispered Inspirations has found with her hubby where she just knew. I guess I feel like online dating is trying to force the epic love story and when you try to force something, it doesn’t happen. No matter how much I think that I know who I’m supposed to be with, you can’t force it, and I can’t make someone want to be here with me, nor would I want to, because they wouldn’t be happy. They’d need to realize it on their own. Much like Noah in the Notebook, he waited for Allie to figure it out on her own and when she did, they fought for each other and with each other and had a lovely life. Maybe someday I’ll find that epic love story and it will happen naturally, with a random meeting and a lovely chat that turns into more. You can’t find it when you’re searching for it (unless of course you’re searching for what you’ve run from) and by online dating, maybe you’re pushing too hard to find a mate to fit your love story instead of waiting for the love story to play out. I shouldn’t have to settle for less than the life that I want and so richly deserve. I shouldn’t have to settle for a life that is “good enough” and that includes my interpersonal relationships. I don’t want a computer to determine my compatibility with someone. I want the man who doesn’t care if we’re compatible on paper, or what he thinks happened or didn’t happen and vice versa. I want the man that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t get me out of his mind, needs to know what I’m thinking so he wastes time seeking it out, and in the end makes the choice to work on it with me, every day, because in the end, it’s how it’s supposed to be. I think about how when I went back to school to do something profitable and how miserable I was, how my marriage was a chore because there was no moment of “This person could be the one.” I do not want any aspect of my life to be a chore, especially not the most important adult relationship of my life.

Notebook

I asked my friend if it was so wrong to feel like I deserved the epic love, the love that made me want to become better, love myself more and the love I was so sure of that I would wait for it, fight for it, fight with them and when things are the suckiest, love someone when I don’t even like them. She said no, because she was waiting for the same thing and she shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than that. So, she’ll keep mocking the POF winners and I’ll keep on building my self esteem and putting my life the way I want it, so when the time is right, I’ll get my epic love story, have that chance meeting, and happily ever after the way I’ve always wanted and I absolutely deserve and so does she. Everyone deserves the person who is going to feel for them the same thing that Noah felt for Allie:

“Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing…So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.”

Maybe it’s not realistic, but I would rather wait my life for the love story where no matter what happens, you make it through the storm than some complacent blah thing that some computer created for me. If something is how its supposed to be, you’ll end up there eventually. So, no one needs to force it by hunting for it, because we’ll find it, rediscover it, and cherish it when we do.

Aftermath

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Dear Readers,

Today is the third anniversary of ASH Multimedia! Holy crap! I can’t remember when I’ve ever stuck to a project this long, but I’m so glad that I did.

When I started this blog, I was an unhappily married mom who feared being replaced by the people I loved. Fast forward & I’m a single mom trying to balance her ever changing life, a dork & a dreamer & a girl on fire. I got a divorce, fell in love, got my heart broken, made friends, lost friends, went to college, nearly flunked out because I walked out of an exam, graduated anyway, & dealt with loss, euphoria & a few emotions in between. Guess what? I didn’t die. Some of it was wonderful, some of it hurt & some just plain pissed me off. But I didn’t die. I came out singed & battered, but stronger. For the first time since I was 19 years old, I like who I am. I like who I see in the mirror.

I’ve learned life lessons. Yes, I’m replaceable to people, but that’s okay. Chances are, so are they. I’ve learned that sometimes you’ll get crushed & it’ll take you months to feel okay, but you will. I learned that all feelings are valid, even if you don’t like or agree with them. I learned that I can forgive almost anything & love completely & even if I don’t like you very much or if you are no longer part of my life, I am capable of great love for you. I’ve learned that I’ll never be the perfect mom, friend or housekeeper, but as long as I’m doing my best for my girls & I, we will be okay. I’ve learned that while I don’t always put myself first, sometimes I have to so I don’t end up basing my self worth around what people think of me. I need to be my own best friend, great love & cheerleader. I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting there.

But I didn’t learn this from myself; I learned it from you. I once had an audience of one, now it’s an audience of hundreds & I’m not really sure why! You, who is reading this right now taught me these lessons, through your comments, emails & for whatever reason, your continued reading of ASH Multimedia & the ASH Life. I’m so happy that you read my blog, even if its to feel better about your life by comparison.

So, thanks for reading. Thanks for laughing @ my life for three years. I hope to continue to make you feel better about your life by comparison for a few more years to come.

xoxo – MHC

Get Another Boyfriend

by maryhelenc, posted in Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media

I was talking to one of my oldest & dearest friends last night & I remembered why I love him so much.

He’s hilarious & wise, & will mix observations from an old soul (the happiest I’ve seen you since high school was last year, but only around one person, but now you’re happy all the time. You’re doing awesome right now. No more versions of the same girl where you had to be one person for your friends & one person for your job & yourself when you’re alone or with the ass.) to things that are bizarre (I only follow this one Twitter account because its sooooooo stupid). I regaled him with my latest misadventures (including the guy who told me he needed to meet my kids so Jesus could approve. Uhhhh…*runs*). He told me he hopes I meet someone great because I deserve to be happy.

He can’t wait for me to get my happily ever after, but I think I’m living it tbh. I’ve been living it for awhile. Sometimes I forget & let people control me again, but I like that my life is my terms, my way & there’s no one to tell me “no, you can’t,” or “you’re not strong enough,” “you need me.” Whatever.

It seems like everyone around me wants to meet someone who is going to provide me with that elusive “thing” that’s going to make me happier or something & I think it’s sweet, but I’m good. I’m particular about my life & I want someone or something that’s going to enrich me, make me the best possible person I can, help me grow. I long for people, not status & if its not an option, then I’ll be the love of my own life. There’s a reason I haven’t dated anyone seriously (or casually) & It’s totally ME. I know what I want & what I don’t & I am not willing to compromise that. Also, I’m self aware & have taken a bunch of psychology & sociology courses, so I’m aware of my flaws & read people well. Thanks to online dating, I see a lot of people talking about why they’re a catch (I’ve also rejected the entire internet). But that’s not me. I’m a socially awkward nerd. I’d rather do things in my awkward, self depreciating style & tell you why I am, in fact, not a catch. Take note, gentlemen, because here’s why you don’t want to go out with me.

1. I don’t care how hot you are, if you can’t spell, then I don’t want you. This is why online dating doesn’t work for me.

2. I’m aloof. Not so touchy feely, huggy, kissy, and we heard what I think about sex. I also don’t do feelings well, as we’ve established I’m apathetic to humanity. So, I likely won’t love you, so you should meet someone where you’ll get laid.

3. I won’t date you if you have kids. Sorry, but kids are serious business. No one meets my daughters, because the time they did, they got their hearts broken too & still pray for that person’s return. Sorry, but you’re not worth it. Adversely, if you place me in the caregiver role, I will care & when it’s removed, it will cripple me. Children are beautiful, fragile little people & THEY DON’T FORGET. My 3yo will tell you from a photo that we were @ the park with her best friend and they were hiding from her friend’s dad, who was pretending to be the monster. She’ll also tell you that someone she used to know promised her a football jersey for her birthday, so since it didn’t come last year, it’ll be here this year, because they’re gonna watch their team together, he promised. They don’t forget & you just hurt them when you don’t take your commitment to them seriously. I take that commitment to a child seriously & will see being placed in a caregiving role as the honour that it is. But I also am not willing to get hurt or lose another child I will grow to love, so no single dads.

4. I work too much. Between my job, getting to my job, raising my family, I’m busy. So, naturally I’m gonna add “freelancing” to my plate. If I’m not working 60 hours a week minimum, I’m not happy. My life is parenting & working. I’m a type A overachiever & my job will come before you. Sorry. Writing is not a “thing I do,” it’s my whole life. It was there before you, after you & my byline will mean more to me than any human being that doesn’t share my DNA.

5. I’m weird. Today I danced around my neighbourhood to Ellie Goulding. I skip @ work. I have a fascination with Pikachu & my necklace has a Triforce on it. I won’t compromise myself for anyone. Won’t pretend to like your sports, music, friends, etc. I am me & I am weird, a little goofy & I will act like an ass in public.

I do things like this
I do things like this

6. I hate the idea of long term commitment, matrimony, or anything of that sort. I get excited for like a month, and then I wanna stay put. You’ll never put a ring on it.

7. I’m either the super girl or the anti-girl. There is no in between.

8. I don’t know how to drive. I don’t really care to learn.

9. I cry A LOT. I also apologize a lot. My friend stated “people just need to learn to tell you to shut the f*** up, for real. Usually that stops the geeing.” Or tell me to save my scissors.

10. I talk too much. I’m slovenly. I talk too fast. Punctuality is not my forte. I hate Bruce Willis & George Clooney. My jokes aren’t funny. I do things on a whim. I can’t do simple multiplication but I can remind you of every word you’ve ever said to me. I generally know what you’re thinking before you do & I’m one step ahead of you & WILL call you on your crap. I use logic for everything. I’m stubborn & tenacious & will not quit on anything. I’m competitive to a fault. I will always get angry if I don’t have enough counter space. I have a loathing for the colour mustard yellow & I won’t miss you if you don’t talk to me for awhile, unless you are the most important adult in the world to me & even then…meh. I listen to the same song on repeat 40 times in a row, watch pro wrestling instead of soaps & may be dependent on caffeine. I’m easily distracted & kind of a ditz. I fully intend to change NONE of these things.

But I do have a pretty, marketable face
But I do have a pretty, marketable face

See guys? Not a catch. Not even close. You should prally steer clear. I’m a delightful mess & I’m cool with it, because so are you. So is everyone on Earth, even people who have their crap together. Anyone can claim to be awesome, especially someone with seven years of public relations experience. My job requires making people who suck sound awesome & generally they believe their own hype. I’d rather look at myself as what I am; a delightful, over emotional, mess who talks too much. If you still think I sound awesome, may God help your massochistic soul.

Barricade

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, Television, WWE Wrasslin'

I actively avoided Twitter last night because it was the finale of my least favourite show, The Bachelorette. I don’t think I have stressed enough that I HATE this franchise of drivel & would rather be stabbed in the eyeball than listen to one more person I know tell me it’s romantic (and more ranting here)

When I did go on, imagine my shock when my TL was not riddled with vomit inducing drivel about Neil Lane baubles & poetic garbage (personally, I was more engrossed in the ongoing love square of WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee, Dolph Ziggler, Kaitlyn & Big E Langston. If Imma gonna watch crap, I watch crap that I know isn’t real), but instead it was “What the actual eff?!”

Apparently Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock has told Brooks Forester that he was the one she wanted until her contractual obligation to ABC was done & he left her, saying he was in love, but not enough. Hartsock wanted to quit, but instead chose to accept a proposal from Chris Sigfried instead. One comment on my TL that stuck out was “…& that kids, is how we settle.”

I settled once & while it produced three amazing children, the scars it left on my ex husband & I know no bounds. He says he can never truly meet anyone else because I broke him & I genuinely believe I deserve to be treated like crap by the masses & I deserved the physical & emotional abuse because I’m an awful person. When I did meet the person that I believed was the one & he left, I opted to remain alone until I no longer feel like he was the one. I refuse to settle again. I don’t need a person, I want someone who completes me & someday, when I’m ready, I’ll meet him. I won’t hurt a man by dating him when my heart & mind are somewhere else. I also wouldn’t want that person here out of guilt or obligation, because that’s not love. That just hurts the person I love & that goes against everything I want when it comes to him, which is to be happy. So, I sort through all of the emotions in a way that I can have a future, with someone or without & in a candid way that is sometimes more honest than it should be. But, it helps me understand where I am & where I need to be. It’s not for attention (like Layla El, continuing my WWE comparison), it’s about coming to terms & muddling through. I’m not three, I don’t need attention. Besides, I’ve found that the people most accusatory about people wanting attention are the ones screaming “look @ me!” “Pay attention to me!” because they hate themselves & want to drag everyone down in a quest to feel validated. You know, LIKE PEOPLE WHO GO ON THE BACHELORETTE.

Sigfried will watch his betrothed weep for a man & then claim to love him enough to spend her life with him DAYS LATER. Apparently Forester & Hartsock’s reunion last night was riddled with tears & tension & people who watch this crap fans speculated that Hartsock still loves Forester more than her fiancé. How can Sigfried feel comfortable, knowing that he was choice B & in such record time? It’s not like the others, where the Bachelorette was conflicted; she had chosen & he left so she hopped herself on Valium & decided to marry him? How can he feel comfortable with their future?!

Settling doesn’t help; it hurts you & the person that you feel you’re helping. You’re not throwing them a bone, you’re making them feel like they need to be thrown a bone. I want someone because they can’t get me out of their heart & mind, even if they’ve tried. I want to be with a person who needs to know what I’m thinking so badly, they’ll go to any lengths to find out because they need to know if they’re on my mind. I want to be with someone I can love even if they’ve said & done hurtful & hateful things (& vice versa) & we can get through even the most insurmountable odds as a team. I don’t want someone because it makes sense, I want someone because its the right thing, even when sometimes it’s a mess & isn’t perfect or a fairy tale. I want someone who is willing to put the most broken things back together, deal with my general self-sabotage & insecurity & bottling up of real emotions to nitpick. That’s what everyone deserves & Chris Sigfried isn’t getting it & that’s actually kind of sad.

It’s so sad that I feel for someone on the Bachelorette. Ew.

What’s Wrong With That

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

After I was (once again) signed up for online dating by a friend who decided I need to start dating again, I couldn’t help but laugh @ most of the profiles. I’m sorry, but they crack me up. A few of my friends are on various sites & they too find this hilarious. So, I asked the ASH readers (as well as my friends, most of the suggestions came from my Muricah Food Tour companion, who sits on a dating site to chat with “winners” as she says) for some “Online Dating Pro Tips.”

1. Avoid Douchebags at all costs. A good way to tell is if they are shirtless in their profile pic & have any of the following in their profile: YOLO, KCCO, or Live, Laugh, Love. I was told by a guy friend that female douchebags can be spotted when they quote Katy Perry lyrics.

2. If you’re still ranting about being cheated on, dumped, etc. on your profile, then maybe you should take it down.

3. If your user name is “AwesomeSingleGuy,” “HonestGentleman,” “SweetLady,” or “KindHeartedGal,” you’re probably not any of these things. Perhaps “Donger” was taken? A coworker also informed that this rule applies if you have “cute” or “sexy” in your name (all of these names were actual people who have chatted with my Muricah Food Tour companion).

4. If you have no display pic, you’re probably married.

5. If your display pic is your car, you likely have a small penis. Adversely, of your display pic is your feet on the beach, you’re a woman with body image issues.

6. If s/he just wants to “hang out” and not go out to dinner or coffee, they’re ashamed to take you in public.

7. Calling a person you have never met “Baby” is frowned upon in most social circles.

8. Be honest. Asking for “a man/woman who takes care of him/herself” does not mean “thin/ripped.” I work out every single day, go running, walk home from work, eat right, etc. I am not thin, but I take care of myself. I had a male friend be told the same thing by a girl because he is a stockier build but works out to get in shape. Also, if you’re not thin/ripped (which 90% of these people aren’t), you should start taking care of yourself.

9. If they say they’re a doctor, they’re not a doctor.

10. Please know how to spell. Even if you’re not a super grammar nazi, no grown up wants to date someone who “types Lyke dis” & asks “wut u up 2 l8r?” I thought it was just me, but apparently it’s a lot of people.

11. TYPING IN ALL CAPS MEANS THAT YOU ARE YELLING. WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Those are the ones we came up with. I’m sure there are more. Many, many more. But as I slowly enter the dating world (I’ve replied to one person & turned down two guys @ my store), I feel ground rules are important. So, thanks to everyone who pitched in rules for the ASH Multimedia guide to online dating.

My Precious

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dorkdom, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I spend a lot of time on Facebook on the bus rides to & from work. During this time, people ask a lot of rhetorical questions. So, I decided to play guru & answer all of the rhetorical questions people post on Facebook! Hooray!

***Disclaimer: I am not smart nor qualified to dispense advice. The magic 8 ball is more qualified than me. Any taking of my knowledge & applying it to your life isn’t wise, as I’m not wise.***

Rhetorical question #1: why are people cruel?

Answer: because you let them. A lesson I have learned is that people will be as mean as you let them. Don’t allow it. Ignore it, be a lady (or gentleman) & do not dignify cruelty with a response. Simply remove what they intend to use as “ammo” & carry on like they do not exist. Also, people are cruelest to the one that loves them most. They know you’ll take it, absorb it, nurse that wound & continue to love them. It’s control. You can love someone more than life, but you don’t need to take their crap. Remember the words that my foster father gave me years ago: people are generally good & those that aren’t get what they deserve.

Rhetorical question #2: why do people Facebook creep/stalk their exes? It’s soooo annoying & I just want to punch my cousin in the face because she does it all of the time & then cries.

Rhetorical answer: because they are still in love with them. There are only two true emotions; love & indifference. Hate is just an angry version of love. If you care soooo much about what your ex is thinking that you creep them incessantly, you are still in love with them & any attempts to move forward are just attempts to replace what you left behind (The song Hurricane by Parachute addresses this well). Even the “I need to know they are thinking about/talking about me” proves you are in love with them, because that just screams that you need validation, that they think of you as much as you think of them. I guess the one upside to low self image is I just assume you’re not thinking about me and I need to do something to move on, so I just avoid. I will block you & everyone you know until I feel indifference. It’s likely the extreme opposite, but it makes me feel better. Also, don’t punch your cousin. Violence is never cool.

Rhetorical question #3: why do families hurt each other?

Rhetorical answer: because happy families that make sense & love each other every second only exist on TV. Every family has its moments where someone is a donger. Maybe they’re all dongers. MAYBE YOU’RE A DONGER. But we hold family to a higher expectation; stop that. All human interaction can be marred by human emotion. Blood doesn’t change that.

Rhetorical Question #4: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS?!

Rhetorical answer: okay, this isn’t rhetorical, it just is. Go to settings & block the requests.

Rhetorical question #5: why are men/women such jerks?

Rhetorical answer: they’re not. Jerkdom is not defined by gender; it’s defined by jerks. Maybe that person dealt with so many other jerks who were hurt by previous jerks who were hurt by the original jerk. Think vampirism, only with jerks. Show kindness in the face of jerkdom. You’ll be surprised how people’s attitudes will change once you show them kindness.

Rhetorical question #6: why is dating so hard?

Rhetorical answer: chances are that you have unrealistic expectations. Obviously things like kids, sexual appetite, matrimony, are deal breakers, but if you’re looking for a supermodel when you aren’t or nitpicking about details that don’t matter, you’re choosing to make it hard. Life is about compromise & you need to figure out which details are set in stone & which ones aren’t & stop sending people packing because they didn’t have ocean green eyes with tanned skin. I know this, because I walk out of dates all of the time for dumb stuff just like that.

Rhetorical question #7: WHY WON’T MY CHILDREN BEHAVE?!

Rhetorical answer: I have no idea. But if you ever find the answer, share it with the rest of us. May God give you strength.

Rhetorical question #8: why are some people so awful? Like for reals, I wouldn’t do that to my BEST FRIEND & I can’t believe you would put that on Facebook. Not talking about any one person, but if I was, you know who you are.

Rhetorical answer: you did just put it on Facebook. Congrats, you got attention.

Rhetorical question #9: why does everything bad happen to meee? FML (sorry, can’t talk about it)

Rhetorical answer: see above.

There you have it, answers to random questions found on Facebook! I hope you got a cheap laugh & perhaps I’ll do it again sometime.

My Blog Beats For Love

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I love my children, even when they are being mouthy pains in my butt.

During summer vacation, the crew often holes up in my bed in the mornings, usually @ 4:30am because my 3yo wants to play “Grumpy Birds”(I often wake up to find her playing hahaha).

Well, they were playing with my phone & my 6yo says:

“What’s Oke?” (It took me a minute to realize what she was asking. She was pointing @ an app on my phone)
“Oh. Um, it’s an app Auntie _____ signed me up for (& flirted with guys for me) so that I could make new friends.”
“Like e-harmony?”

My 12yo’s ears perked up.

“WHAT?! NO! YOU CAN’T USE THAT!”

Later that day I discovered my account had been deleted, as was the app. I began to give my daughter a lecture about stealing Mommy’s phone while she’s in the tub & how sometimes people have to go, blah blah blah, hope they’re happy & I got this.

“Why? No one cares that we’re not happy. The right thing is the thing that makes the most people happy & you & Blank as a family made us happy, G happy, you happy & him happy. He said it all of the time when I was eavesdropping; no one made him happy except for you. He needed to marry you because he was so happy. Now only he is happy. How is that fair? If this was right, everyone would be happy, not one person & if they were a good person, they’d want to make us happy too.”

Then she threatened to take off on her dad, show up at his work & tell him that he promised that we could have anything we asked, so go home with us. I threatened with groundings & no camp. FYI she still hates me. I’ve reached a point where I say “yup, I know, I’m awful. Now check the attitude.” I think I’m handling it rather well.

I guess I taught my daughters tenacity too well. They want one person (much like me) & since I’m the worst liar, they see through my statements of wishing him well, blah blah blah. They know I want him here as much as they do & resent my inaction. Of course, I’m a grown up & know if he wants to be here, he would come back for me. He would do what he said & swallow his ego, his pride & be with me. I won’t reduce myself to chase a person (I will write about my attempts to move forward though. But I do get a lot of comments from people appreciating my candour, as they’re in the same boat, so maybe it’s helpful). I don’t want someone out of guilt or obligation. I want them to be where they want to be. So, I’m trying to muddle through life alone, bowing to the peanut gallery & allowing myself to be forced into dating again & opening up the prospects of finding someone who will suffice, or maybe Mr. Right (even though I met him & blew it).

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But how do I introduce someone new to the girls (which wouldn’t be for a year @ least) when they appear to have their mom’s stubborn streak & only accept one person? They come first & if they don’t like the man in my life, well it’s curtains for him. Obviously, that date with the substitute teacher is on hold permanently, as they’re just not ready for the idea of Mom having male friends (12 even resents my platonic male friends, because they might get ideas & ruin it for when he keeps his promise & comes back).

I guess I should be thankful that they are capable of loyalty, even if it is misguided. Their devotion to the man they wanted to be their stepdad (& who told them he would be) is very sweet. I also feel guilty because I didn’t tell them anything right away. He had left & come back so many times before that I just believed that he would. It was always the same; he’d leave, talk to me after a period of time claiming we should be friends & then after we talked, he would profess his devotion to me & ask to be with me. My friends said it would be the same, so I waited, my now ex best friend said it might take up to a year, be patient. So, I was. Then when they said that they lied (& blamed me for their callous disrespect. I don’t miss them, nor will I. Own your own deceit), I was forced to finally explain that there would be no more Blank, no more G. So, now we’re here & I feel so guilty, like I broke my kids.

I don’t want them to get attached to another man, just for him to leave us. I don’t want to meet anyone else, I’m still in love with him. The girls want him & I’m sort of outside looking in wanting to please everyone but I can’t & living with the guilt of knowing I hurt my girls & stupidly wondering if it would all go away if he came back, even though I couldn’t really trust him to stay.

Welcome to parenting, MHC style. Sometimes it ain’t pretty but it is what it is. Unfortunately, we’re learning to muddle through together & hopefully we’ll all get through it & be happy.

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