I’m afraid of lots of things.
I’m afraid that I’ll never fall in love again.
I’m afraid I’m not the best mom I can be.
I’m afraid I’ll never reach my fitness goals.
I’m afraid that I’ll never work in media again.
I’m claustrophobic, I’m afraid of mice & I’m not terribly fond of snakes. But my biggest fear is the most horrifying creature on Earth. The source of all terror. To demonstrate the most evil being alive, I shall post the photo that my friend Dawna made for me & posted on my Facebook.
Aside from my children that is.
Today I’m supposed to post a favourite photo of my best friend, but I couldn’t narrow it to just one. I have a group of awesome friends that I love.
Whether I’ve known them my entire life, or a few months, these are the people that have been there for me through good, bad, ugly, mopey, whiny, batsh*t crazy & everything in between. I’m lucky to call them friends. So, thanks amazing friends, for being you. I love you all lots & may have (for the purposes of this post) stolen your FB display photo because I don’t have a pic of you without my kids in it lol. ❤
Truthfully, I’ve only ever had one love; the written word.
I truthfully think I may die alone because I don’t think any man will truly understand how much I love what I do. I’ve never wanted to do anything else, I had no plan B. My half assed plan of law was a big fail because in the end, it’s all about my writing, my words. Men already take a backseat to my daughters, but that makes sense. I can’t see any man loving me enough to read every word I’ve written. I don’t think anyone will understand that I hate going days without writing something. I love this. I love my blog, I love that people read it. I love every word I’ve ever written. I would love a mate, but no man will ever take an interest in my work enough to get that this is my non-parenting everything.
I did have a person first love & that was my good friend The Gleason Table. We dated for maybe a minute (or a couple of months) & went to prom & have settled into a comfortable friendship. We talk about our families (he has a beautiful wife who compliments him in every way & two amazing kids), sports, life. He’s been an amazing support through every horrible & awesome thing that’s happened over the last fifteen or so years & I’m lucky to have him as a friend.
Maybe someday I’ll meet someone I love as much as writing, but I doubt it. This is my greatest passion, my heart’s desire & I know deep down, no man will ever understand enough to support my drive to be the greatest writer in the world, read my blog religiously, read my articles & take as much pride in my successes as I do. Maybe that’s why I’m so comfortable alone. I have my work. My words, my passion to make me feel whole.
I’ve been called many things; Mommy, MHC, editor, my current boss calls me Princess Zelda, I’ve been called a bitch, but the only nickname that stuck was Melon.
My best friend Gigi was hyper & all anyone could understand her saying was my name & it came out Melon & it stuck. It was NOT a boob reference. Now there are only six people left who call me Melon. It’s mainly MH now.
I actually hate nicknames. I don’t shorten my daughters’ names & I don’t care for pet names of any kind. I dated a guy who tried calling me Tigger for like a week but I shut that down (the reference would reappear as a weird in joke, as I made it a point to find Winnie the Pooh themed cards & gifted his daughter a plush one for pointless nothing day). I really don’t care for them @ all. I think they’re stupid. I don’t like being called sweetie or baby either, although I will tolerate it if I care about you.
Maybe it’s because my name is one that is often mispronounced or misspelled, but I really would prefer people call me by my given name. But for the six people left on Earth who call me Melon & refuse to call me anything else, I don’t hate it as much as I used to hahaha.
Either way, you can call me whatever you want. I likely won’t answer unless it’s my name or you’re one of those last six people.
I try to do one of these every year, because I think writing about a particular subject each day helps me improve as a writer but helps people who read this crap get to know me as a person better & relate to my world a little more.
I could go through the introduction, but this seems much easier, so click here.
Next, some interesting facts about me. Sadly, nothing about me is terribly interesting so you’ll just have to settle for random facts.
1. In December, I bought Silver Linings Playbook to watch on a night off. I still have not done that. Maybe because I so rarely have nights off.
2. In addition to my Branta canadensis specific ornithophobia, I’m claustrophobic & I’m not terribly cool with mice either.
3. I’m way too amused by the doge meme & I visit the doge weather site all of the time. Much obsessed. Very laugh. So funny. Wow.
4. I’m so conscious of how my choices affect my daughters because I know how my mom’s choices affected me. I don’t want them to feel “screwed up” like I do.
5. I carry my Certificate of Divorce in my purse because I worked so hard to get it & spent a small fortune, so I’m pretty proud.
6. I keep a pair of shorts beside my bedside table so I’ll be motivated to exercise in the morning.
7. I just completed a 30 day squat challenge & I’m on day two of an abs & core challenge. 30 days of arms is next.
8. Trish Stratus is my idol & I would literally buy anything she endorses, except the Maple Leafs. I use her yoga DVD & Fit Gloves every day, bought New Balance shoes for running in the spring & if I ever interviewed her, it would be worse than when I fangirled over Amanda Marshall. Interviewing Trish Stratus would be the greatest day of my career.
9. All of life’s woes can be cured with pancakes or pancake type food, like crepes.
10. I once bought myself a diamond ring for my birthday. I was supposed to get engaged that day and when it all went to Hell, I went out & bought my own as some kind of empowerment thing. I have since misplaced said diamond ring in my house somewhere. Don’t all propose @ once guys.
11. I was recently barred from the Caesars Windsor gaming floor for the night because I didn’t have a second piece of photo ID. I’m in my thirties.
12. I cry @ the end of Monsters Inc. Every. Single. Time.
13. My entire love life can be summed up in the chorus of the song Endlessly by Green River Ordinance or All too Well by Taylor Swift. That makes me sad. It also makes me realize that I need to get out more, work less & like better music (except GRO, they are bomb).
14. I called the last guy I went on a date with a pretentious fop. I was most excited that I got to use the word fop in a sentence.
15. I’m designing my seventh tattoo. Okay I outsourced it. Someone else is designing my seventh tattoo. I’m excited either way.
There you have it kids, 15 amazeballs facts about MHC. Sorry they aren’t really that interesting. I’ll try to be cooler next year.
AKA a series of photos detailing my year.
As I’m getting ready for my move, my plans & my amazeballs 2014, I wanted to showcase the awesomeness that was 2013 in a series of awesome photos.
So, in 2013, this happened…
Have a great holiday everyone & I hope your year was full of awesome moments too.
I’ve always been a highly motivated person.
I think that’s why I love journalism so much; there’s always something new & amazeballs to do. New deadlines, new challenges. Always new projects.
Part of the reason I was such a sad sack throughout 2013 was my lack of goals. My entire life was my career & I wasn’t working in my field. I had nothing to work towards, no goals to work for. That was one of the reasons the Texan & I started our parenting blog, The ASH life. We wanted a goal to work towards.
A big part of my growing as a person is taking my journalism motivation & applying it to the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I can’t always work in journalism & living a complacent life with no goals or aspirations is just boring as crap. I can’t imagine being just a Charlie punch clock & then going home to my kids & living the most mundane life. How do I teach my girls to reach for the stars if I’ve stopped? I need to create! To succeed!
So, I’ve been focusing on the move. No, the timetable isn’t what I wanted, but I’m focusing on my new home. New home, new designs & colour schemes. New couch, putting the chore charts & routines into practice so we can continue to try & keep the old house spotless & the angriest tween is currently designing her AJ Lee themed bedroom. The angriest tween is training for next year’s colour run which means Mommy is jogging. My friends & I are doing a squat challenge. The Psych Major & her hubby are designing me a workout routine on top of my daily workout routine. I’m overachieving again & I’m so stupid happy. I love having so many projects to work towards, with friends working together & supporting each other & all of these projects will make my life better, more organized, & I’ll be healthier.
Eventually, I’ll have a media gig again and I’ll have a million deadlines & interviews to strive for. But until then, I’m going to work towards all of my personal projects and goals & continue to fulfill my need to overachieve that way, and I’ll be happy. So very happy.
Every morning when my alarm goes off, I hit snooze.
But I don’t roll over & go back to sleep like everyone else. I instead, sit up, and say my morning prayers. I thank God that I’m alive & healthy in a world where so many aren’t. I thank God for my girls & I thank him for my job & my talents & for another day. Then I meditate with my “MH affirmations,” which are reminders that I’m a strong, beautiful woman with a lot of great character traits & that I deserve to be happy. Most of my life, I have put my own happiness aside to please others; my friends, my partners & once they took what they wanted, they left. My happiness never mattered. They kept me under clouds of funk so they could keep me as super nice MH and when I fought back & demanded to matter too, it was curtains. So, I decided instead to remind myself every morning that I deserve to be happy & I’m going to make myself happy because that’s my job as a person. I tasked myself with the job of making everyone else happy & then would be sad that no one wanted to make me happy too. So, I’ve learned that my job in life is to make myself happy & love me more than anyone else could.
When I was first diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, my former best friends called me mentally unstable & said I needed to be medicated for the rest of my life. Too bad like everything else they say when it relates to me, they were wrong. Antidepressants aren’t right for me. They make me loopier, more panicky. So, my doctor weaned me off of them, as much like birth control, they just don’t work. Instead, exercise, herbal remedies & better eating controls the panic attacks. But my hippie friend reminded me that one of the major things that helps her is positive self talk. Loving yourself is the first step to feeling good about yourself.
I am not in any way dogging antidepressants. They’re wonderful & helpful; I just happen to be among that 1% that ends up with the horrible thoughts like the commercial says. So, this works for me. I have only had one panic attack since April & I’m feeling emotionally stronger. The main reason is that I no longer believe that I’m a second class citizen. I deserve love. I deserve respect. I deserve to be treated the way I treat people. I deserve to be happy & I will make myself happy by raising happy girls & setting the right example & with my writing & if you don’t like that I’m putting myself first, then you’re welcome to vacate my life. There are more than enough friends & loved ones who do appreciate that for the first time, the only adult I’m looking out for is me.
So, each morning, I’ll hit the snooze & I’ll thank the universe that I get another day to enjoy it. Then I’ll remind myself that I’m pretty & strong & capable of moving mountains. I’m a worthy partner to any man. I’m a good mother & an awesome friend. I’m the best in the world @ what I do, which is write things that make people think. I’m also really good @ my day job. I may not believe these things every second of every day, but I’m going to try so that I can keep making myself happy & create my own happily ever after.
Thanks y’all for your awesome feedback to my open letter to my future soulmate, making it my most successful blog post ever! I appreciated the emails & texts from people mentioning it was cute…oh, & that dude on Twitter who DM’ed me a proposal? It was a letter, not an application, but hey, thanks!
Anywho, since the rest of my life revolves around deciding where to move (London, Cambridge & Guelph are the top options) while listening to the peanut gallery explain why I should stay here, despite my previous statement that there is nothing that could keep me in Windsor (aside from “winning @ life” hahaha), and scrambling to get Christmas together for the littles while working retail sucks the fun out of the holiday for me, I figure I’ll keep going on this subject, as the move & the peanut gallery & the choices have too many facets for me to adequately express right now. I’d rather write something lighthearted. & silly. I’m not looking for a partner; they’re going to find me & it’s going to be amazeballs. Hell, maybe you read this blog (unlikely) & you’re wondering “am I this crazy girl’s soulmate? Because sure she’s pretty, but she’s a bit loony & scatterbrained.” Well, it’s possible, I guess. So, I’ve compiled a list of things that seem to exist in all of the men I date (& the things I want) & created this handy dandy guide to determining if you are MH’s soulmate!
***Disclaimer: Handy Dandy guide is for entertainment purposes only***
1. You’ve read my writing. Oh, you didn’t just read this, you read ALL OF IT. I’m not kidding. You’ve read both of my blogs, you’ve read every published byline, you actively make plans to read my future work. You love my work, you think it’s awesome. My words connect with you, resonate with you, make you think. You ask me about my work. You understand that these words are not just random ideas that I come up with; they’re my heart & soul & source of pride. My soulmate will read my work one day & tell me that something I wrote helped him understand me better, himself better or brought us closer.
2. You love my girls. Duh. But you understand them. You know their interests. You know which one is afraid of the blow dryer. You know which one loves the Saints. You know which one cries @ the same scene of Harry Potter & the Philosopher’s Stone. You know which one is going to take over the word & which one hates stripes. You know them as well as you know me. You know how important it is to me to be Supermom & you’ll understand. You’ll want to be a part of their lives & you will eventually, but I need to know that you get that they come with the deal, their dad is emotionally abusive to them & they’ll come to see you as a father figure too. That will mean something to you & soon you’ll be bragging about their cuteness, report cards et al just like I do.
3. You’re probably f***ed in the head. When I say someone is screwed up, I generally don’t mean it to be as insulting as it sounds. It means that you likely have a past, a tonne of baggage, trust issues, self sabotage issues, commitment issues, etc. I have them all too. I try to be empathetic to everyone, because I’ve been written off so many times because sometimes I’m a dark, melancholy person. This is why the people I love get infinite chances; no one should feel written off by someone that they trust. Not to mention anyone can love someone “normal.” I’m not normal. I’m scarred & fragile. It takes a special man to love me, so I want to love your scarred & fragile right back.
4. You’re stubborn. I sure am! Once my mind is made up, there’s no turning back. I need someone just as set in those convictions. A passion for Canadian and American politics would help.
5. You’ll talk to me. Tell me I’m being a douche, or crazy, or to shut up. I may cry. Oh well. My soulmate knows that I’m an annoying brat & loves me. He knows we’ll fight & he’ll piss me off but we’ll get through it with communication. He also knows that I won’t start the conversation after a fight or my feelings have been hurt because stubborn. He’ll need to suck it up & talk to me.
6. Music. You’ll like everything. Even crap I hate. I’ll make fun of it. But music is a huge part of my life. All of my blog post titles are song titles of what I’m listening to (today: Rascal Flatts). I spent years training to become a singer. My daughters are talented musicians. I need you to love music & sing along with the radio, even if you’re tone deaf. I used to joke that I would marry the man that could make me stop talking when he sang (because nothing stops me from talking) & could play the piano & in high school, said my dream proposal would be someone who played & sang me a song while it was snowing outside (I watched a lot of Full House. Uncle Jesse…swoon). Maybe someone will give Gavin DeGraw my number.
7. You’ll like sports. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t give a crap & I’ll roll my eyes when you talk, but I like guys who like sports & drink beer and go out with the guys & eat red meat & do guy things.
8. You’ll get that love takes work. You’ll get that sometimes I’ll hate your face. You’ll get that sometimes you’ll hate mine. You’ll get that times get hard. But you’ll try because I know I will. I fought for 8 years to make a marriage work while covered in bruises. Imagine how hard I’ll work to make it work if it’s healthy.
9. You won’t like geese. Okay, maybe you will. But I’m not feeding them.
10. You’ll be prone to random but awesome romantic gestures. Show up @ my door @ 1am because you just needed to see me. Buy me movie tickets just because. Send me a cute text saying you miss me. I expect these rarely, but it’d be nice.
11. You’ll “get” me. You’ll understand how I think. You’ll get that I don’t mean to be crazy. You’ll even find the crazy a little endearing. You’ll know that I mean well when I generally make a mess of everything & you’ll try to understand. You’ll let me fix my own mess & support me from the sidelines, because you know how important it is for me to do it on my own.
If this sounds like you, this either means;
a) you have a huge ego.
b) you are potentially my soulmate.
c) you’re going to give Gavin DeGraw my number.
Please let it be C!
Either way, I know what I want & deserve & this is the type of man I want & when the time is right, this is who I’ll end up with. I need to be finicky, as I have daughters who deserve the best possible stepfather & I think I’ve been hurt enough thank you very much. I think looking for love only impedes the process. Real love is that person in your mind that you can’t stop thinking about, etc. & it’s organic & unavoidable & it’ll happen. Not likely until after I get my butt out of Windsor into a new house & settled. & established & maybe with a shiny new byline. But it’ll happen…& now I know what I’m looking for.
I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately, mainly because my friend is doing a lot of it. She’s on a new first date almost every weekend. I wish I could be that person sometimes; the person who can detach themselves until they’re ready to get attached, I’m not sure why. But I’m not. I’m just that one man girl. However, as I (hopefully) move into my new home (as house hunting has become a clusterf*ck), I realize that I need to be open to the idea of falling in love again. I don’t think I’m ready just yet, but in case I do meet someone in my new city, I need to be open to the idea that my Mr. Right is there somewhere. So, over the last few weeks, I’ve been focusing on finding a house, letting go of the life I knew & opening myself up to the idea of dating again.
I know there is a right person out there for me. I don’t know if I’ve met them, if I haven’t, but they are somewhere. But I figure he should be prepared for what life with me will be like, so I wrote this letter.
Dear Soulmate,
I don’t know if I’ve met you yet. Maybe I did. Maybe we’ve dated & messed it up & the universe keeps trying to make it right. Maybe you’re the hot guy @ the Wind Mobile store who gave me directions while house hunting last month. Maybe you’re one of those first dates I never gave a chance. Maybe you’re a childhood friend I’ll casually bump into. Maybe you’re someone I’ve never met & when I do, I’ll know why everyone before you sucked. But once the universe puts us together, I wanted to let you know a few things so we can work.
1. My kids & my writing come first. Always. These are my true loves & I need to put them first. They were here before you. They’ll be here after you. I don’t expect you to raise my girls, but if you meet them, I expect you to love them. If you promise them something, keep it. Be good to them. Treat them the way you would want me to treat your family. They are sweet, wonderful children & they will love you so much. Don’t break their hearts. Respect my writing. Know it’s my life. Be proud of me when I land a great story because I’ll be thrilled to death.
2. My life is generally a chaotic mess of my own making. I’m trying; really. If you could just stick around & gently help me learn the values of organization & time management instead of tsk tsking, I’d really appreciate it.
3. I’m good in a crisis, but little things tear me to pieces. There’s a reason, and someday I’ll tell you.
4. I will always be afraid that you’ll leave me. ALWAYS. It’s not that I won’t trust you, it’s just I’m always afraid of losing people. It’ll make me clingy sometimes. Just sit me down & look me in the eye & tell me to chill out because you love me & it’ll be okay.
5. Please don’t ask my friends how to talk to me, or to relay info to me. Please talk to me. Things get messed up that way. Let’s keep everything between us (& with your permission, high level blog fodder).
6. I won’t get jealous per say, but I will tell you if something is bothering me. I will also trust you to handle those situations in a way that you see fit. I don’t tell men what to do. I explain why it bugs me & trust you. I don’t see the point in getting pissy.
7. I’ll have infinite patience for your crap. I’ll give you a million chances & if you’re worth it, take you back if you walk away. Because I love unconditionally, without restrictions & see you for what you are & embrace it. You will be safe & adored with me. You will be treated like Superman.
8. That doesn’t mean treat me like crap either. I’m not going to devalue me for you like I did with all of my other relationships with men. If I’m kissing your ass because I think you’re Prince Charming, than you should treat me like post-slipper Cinderella. You should know that I’m beautiful & special & I deserve to be happy too. You should want to make me as happy as I’m dying to make you & if you don’t want to do that, then you are too selfish to be with ANYONE, least of all me. Relationships are about loving each other, not sucking someone’s love like a sponge & leaving them when your ego is boosted, or expecting someone to be your saviour & make you feel awesome while you are degrading or abusing me. One person shouldn’t be doing all of the giving. I will always give you more, it’s my nature, but I’m not going to accept a man’s complete lack of effort. Love is work. Love is about doing the right thing for the other person, because even if it wasn’t what you might have wanted, you made that person happy. If you try, even a little, I’ll give you the damn world; but I think I’m worth you making me a little happy too. I am smart & pretty & charismatic & charming. I am strong & patient & brave & have survived more than you will ever know. I am driven to succeed & have done well thus far. I am great @ trivia & can use big words in their proper context. I’m well read & elegant, but love wrestling & beer. I’m awesome & I’m worth a lot: I’m worth swallowing pride for. I’m worth admitting you are wrong & I am worth fighting for, even if you’re fighting some internal battle with yourself & if you don’t know that, then there is another man that will & this letter is for him.
9. I’m weird. I sing along with mall music, I’m often immature. I’m a general goofball. I generally have the weight of the world on my shoulders, so when I get to be “free” I like to let loose. I don’t care how much I love you, I will hang up on you during a boss fight while playing Zelda & I strongly recommend backing off on criticizing The Hunger Games trilogy. I’m a proud nerd. I will whip your ass @ Mario Kart & attempt to whip your ass @ Halo & I’ll definitely whip your ass @ Backgammon as I learned from the master; my father. I’ll also do all of this while explaining life lessons found in To Kill a Mockingbird, Edgar Allen Poe & Winnie the Pooh.
10. I'm crazy. General anxiety disorder is the technical term. I have panic attacks. So, when crap goes wrong, I'll freak out. I'll be terrified that everything is wrong. I'll try to pull you closer because I don't want to lose you. I do it to my friends too. Please don't pull away, even if that's your instinct, because it'll make me more afraid, as during these periods I'm as emotionally fragile as a baby bird. Just hold me & talk me through it & I'll go back to being the perfectly understanding girlfriend who doesn't get mad & allows you all of your space in about half an hour. If I am holding on too tightly, tell me. Say "MH, I get it, but chill the eff out because I feel strangled." I'll listen. But I can't do that if you don't tell me. I don't read minds & if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll get more panicked trying to fix it. Tell me what's going on & we'll work on it together.
11. Sometimes I'm going to need you to be my rock. I'll be yours too. I'll be yours through everything. Just come to me & I'll make it okay. In fact, I'll prally be there more for you than me, because I generally bottle things up until I'm crazy, crying MH. Please find this endearing, or at least tolerable, because no one ever does.
12. I will never pretend to like your sports or your crappy music or that lame show you watch. But I’ll sit through them while making you food & I won’t ask stupid questions. I don’t expect you to like mine either. However, a healthy appreciation for pancakes is appreciated.
13. I take sex super seriously, so be willing to wait.
14. I hate geese but I will kill spiders.
15. This may seem like a pretty big list, but I promise you it’s super simple, because I’ll love you more & better than a anyone else pretty much ever. I’ll treat you like you’re the best non-parenting thing that ever happened to me. I’ll gush about you. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’ll be your ally in life and we’ll be a team. I promise I’ll make loving me worth it by giving you everything you ever wanted. But if all else fails, I’m really pretty. That should help a little.
I’m excited to see who you turn out to be. I hope we have an amazing love story, like some Nicholas Sparks level junk. I hope you’ll know how much I love you & how much I’ll value & respect you. I hope you know how much I’ll put up with to make you happy & I hope you’ll do the same for me. I hope you’ll know that I already think you’re amazing & I don’t even know who you are! I hope you’re wondering if you’ll ever meet a person just like me (or how to return to me, or turn friendship into love or if I’ll come back to your Wind Mobile kiosk). Like Katy Perry says, “I know you’re out there & you’re looking for me,” & I hope you come soon, because while I’m cool with single life, I kind of want to stare into your eyes & have my breath taken away.
xoxo
-MHC
The Misadventures of MHC 