maryhelenc

What’s Wrong With That

August 3, 2013August 5, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

After I was (once again) signed up for online dating by a friend who decided I need to start dating again, I couldn’t help but laugh @ most of the profiles. I’m sorry, but they crack me up. A few of my friends are on various sites & they too find this hilarious. So, I asked the ASH readers (as well as my friends, most of the suggestions came from my Muricah Food Tour companion, who sits on a dating site to chat with “winners” as she says) for some “Online Dating Pro Tips.”

1. Avoid Douchebags at all costs. A good way to tell is if they are shirtless in their profile pic & have any of the following in their profile: YOLO, KCCO, or Live, Laugh, Love. I was told by a guy friend that female douchebags can be spotted when they quote Katy Perry lyrics.

2. If you’re still ranting about being cheated on, dumped, etc. on your profile, then maybe you should take it down.

3. If your user name is “AwesomeSingleGuy,” “HonestGentleman,” “SweetLady,” or “KindHeartedGal,” you’re probably not any of these things. Perhaps “Donger” was taken? A coworker also informed that this rule applies if you have “cute” or “sexy” in your name (all of these names were actual people who have chatted with my Muricah Food Tour companion).

4. If you have no display pic, you’re probably married.

5. If your display pic is your car, you likely have a small penis. Adversely, of your display pic is your feet on the beach, you’re a woman with body image issues.

6. If s/he just wants to “hang out” and not go out to dinner or coffee, they’re ashamed to take you in public.

7. Calling a person you have never met “Baby” is frowned upon in most social circles.

8. Be honest. Asking for “a man/woman who takes care of him/herself” does not mean “thin/ripped.” I work out every single day, go running, walk home from work, eat right, etc. I am not thin, but I take care of myself. I had a male friend be told the same thing by a girl because he is a stockier build but works out to get in shape. Also, if you’re not thin/ripped (which 90% of these people aren’t), you should start taking care of yourself.

9. If they say they’re a doctor, they’re not a doctor.

10. Please know how to spell. Even if you’re not a super grammar nazi, no grown up wants to date someone who “types Lyke dis” & asks “wut u up 2 l8r?” I thought it was just me, but apparently it’s a lot of people.

11. TYPING IN ALL CAPS MEANS THAT YOU ARE YELLING. WHY ARE YOU YELLING?

Those are the ones we came up with. I’m sure there are more. Many, many more. But as I slowly enter the dating world (I’ve replied to one person & turned down two guys @ my store), I feel ground rules are important. So, thanks to everyone who pitched in rules for the ASH Multimedia guide to online dating.

My Precious

August 1, 2013August 2, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Crazy Talk, Current Events, Dorkdom, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I spend a lot of time on Facebook on the bus rides to & from work. During this time, people ask a lot of rhetorical questions. So, I decided to play guru & answer all of the rhetorical questions people post on Facebook! Hooray!

***Disclaimer: I am not smart nor qualified to dispense advice. The magic 8 ball is more qualified than me. Any taking of my knowledge & applying it to your life isn’t wise, as I’m not wise.***

Rhetorical question #1: why are people cruel?

Answer: because you let them. A lesson I have learned is that people will be as mean as you let them. Don’t allow it. Ignore it, be a lady (or gentleman) & do not dignify cruelty with a response. Simply remove what they intend to use as “ammo” & carry on like they do not exist. Also, people are cruelest to the one that loves them most. They know you’ll take it, absorb it, nurse that wound & continue to love them. It’s control. You can love someone more than life, but you don’t need to take their crap. Remember the words that my foster father gave me years ago: people are generally good & those that aren’t get what they deserve.

Rhetorical question #2: why do people Facebook creep/stalk their exes? It’s soooo annoying & I just want to punch my cousin in the face because she does it all of the time & then cries.

Rhetorical answer: because they are still in love with them. There are only two true emotions; love & indifference. Hate is just an angry version of love. If you care soooo much about what your ex is thinking that you creep them incessantly, you are still in love with them & any attempts to move forward are just attempts to replace what you left behind (The song Hurricane by Parachute addresses this well). Even the “I need to know they are thinking about/talking about me” proves you are in love with them, because that just screams that you need validation, that they think of you as much as you think of them. I guess the one upside to low self image is I just assume you’re not thinking about me and I need to do something to move on, so I just avoid. I will block you & everyone you know until I feel indifference. It’s likely the extreme opposite, but it makes me feel better. Also, don’t punch your cousin. Violence is never cool.

Rhetorical question #3: why do families hurt each other?

Rhetorical answer: because happy families that make sense & love each other every second only exist on TV. Every family has its moments where someone is a donger. Maybe they’re all dongers. MAYBE YOU’RE A DONGER. But we hold family to a higher expectation; stop that. All human interaction can be marred by human emotion. Blood doesn’t change that.

Rhetorical Question #4: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING ME GAME REQUESTS?!

Rhetorical answer: okay, this isn’t rhetorical, it just is. Go to settings & block the requests.

Rhetorical question #5: why are men/women such jerks?

Rhetorical answer: they’re not. Jerkdom is not defined by gender; it’s defined by jerks. Maybe that person dealt with so many other jerks who were hurt by previous jerks who were hurt by the original jerk. Think vampirism, only with jerks. Show kindness in the face of jerkdom. You’ll be surprised how people’s attitudes will change once you show them kindness.

Rhetorical question #6: why is dating so hard?

Rhetorical answer: chances are that you have unrealistic expectations. Obviously things like kids, sexual appetite, matrimony, are deal breakers, but if you’re looking for a supermodel when you aren’t or nitpicking about details that don’t matter, you’re choosing to make it hard. Life is about compromise & you need to figure out which details are set in stone & which ones aren’t & stop sending people packing because they didn’t have ocean green eyes with tanned skin. I know this, because I walk out of dates all of the time for dumb stuff just like that.

Rhetorical question #7: WHY WON’T MY CHILDREN BEHAVE?!

Rhetorical answer: I have no idea. But if you ever find the answer, share it with the rest of us. May God give you strength.

Rhetorical question #8: why are some people so awful? Like for reals, I wouldn’t do that to my BEST FRIEND & I can’t believe you would put that on Facebook. Not talking about any one person, but if I was, you know who you are.

Rhetorical answer: you did just put it on Facebook. Congrats, you got attention.

Rhetorical question #9: why does everything bad happen to meee? FML (sorry, can’t talk about it)

Rhetorical answer: see above.

There you have it, answers to random questions found on Facebook! I hope you got a cheap laugh & perhaps I’ll do it again sometime.

Ooh La La

July 29, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I always feel kind of badly for Britney Spears.

She’s come a long way since her nervous breakdown as a result of the dissolution of her marriage and her battle with depression, but people still judge her for the head shaving and umbrella bashing and the worst; her not retaining full custody of her children.

I have never believed that a child “belongs” with his/her mother. I believe a child belongs with the parent that is best suited for them. Some dads (like Kevin Federline in this case) are better suited to raise their children. Ms. Spears travels a lot for her career, she is currently in Vegas doing shows, while her boys have been attending school in California with their father and stepmother. They see their siblings. It’s all a good situation.

We should be commending Spears for putting the needs of her children ahead of the needs of herself. I will never claim to be a perfect mother. Sometimes I raise my voice, sometimes (a lot of the time) my house is a mess. Sometimes I overshare on my blog in an attempt to be more open and get myself into trouble. Oh, and I swear…A LOT. However, my hippie friend told me that as long as she’s known me (which is a long ass time), she’s always seen me do the best that I can to put my daughters first. I was having a kind of downer, stressed out mom day, where the kids don’t listen and one comes downstairs covered in ink and there’s a tantrum and back talk and you seriously contemplate shipping them to the Jolie-Pitts. My hippie friend chose to write a piece for the ASH Life and I told her I was proud of her and she said she wished she had my patience for my girls, my desire to put aside what I wanted for what they need, etc. I told her I’m not always good @ that, and she told me “you’re better than most people, so give yourself some credit.” I think she needs to give herself some credit too. She’s been through a parenting situation no mother should have to go through and she’s done so with class, grace and a positive spirit that can’t be broken. Her boys are so lucky to have such an amazing mom (and stepdad/dad. The Eagleman is pretty bomb ass awesome too). I guess sometimes when you’re looking into the dark side of your role as parent, when the world tells you that you need to be perfect every second and that there is this standard of parenting, that when you can’t or won’t or aren’t that person, you can’t always see that you’re still a great mom. I’m a good mom. My hippie friend is an amazing mom. Britney Spears is an awesome mom because when all is said & done, the kids come first.

So, why not give Britney Spears credit? She clearly loves her boys. She adores them. Photos of them show a loving and nuturing relationship and you can’t fake a candid photo or the look in someone’s eyes in a photo. Her boys love her. But she’s also mature enough to see that her lifestyle of performing is not the type that a child should live, so she sees them as much as she can while continuing to give them the gift so few celebrity children have; stability, normal schooling, normal names, a normal life. Preston and Jayden Federline will likely grow up well adjusted and happy, something so few celebrity children get to do. We should be commending Spears for getting her life in order, moving forward and putting her kids first.

So, kudos to you Britney Spears, for being a parenting role model.

Gotta Be Tonight

July 28, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Just Fun, My New Life As Me, Relationships

While life is an ever evolving platform, it’s always nice to know that there are constants.

One of those things is my friendship with my two high school besties.

For 19 years we’ve laughed, cried, lost touch, gotten back in touch, fought, made up & repeat. We’ve gotten married, gotten divorced. We’ve had babies, lost children, fallen apart & put ourselves back together. These constants keep us sane.

Because she felt my spirits needed lifting, my best friend drove to see me while the other kept in touch via text. The locations are different, Blackwater coffee is now a bar. The stories involve kids & bad first dates. But the laughs, the tears, the quick witted punch lines are all the same.

It’s comforting to know that there are people who have seen you grow up into an adult, raise a family, screw up royally, & still just be a friend. I know we’ve all done some stuff, whatever, but when it all crashed down, we answered with an honest “you done effed up, now how are you gonna put that back together?” Or “I’m so sorry.” Sometimes, it’s just a matter of holding a shoulder while they cry.

But it’s always nice to have those touchstones to keep you grounded & strong. Those cool women are mine & I hope they feel the same. Besides, after nearly 20 years of friendship, we gotta stick together: we know all of the dirt.

All That I’ve Got

July 27, 2013July 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media, When Things Suck Hard

Can someone please explain to me how we live in a world where we can get a pizza in 30 minutes & we can instantly send cat memes over the Internet but medical tests TAKE A FREAKING WEEK?!

I’ve often wondered if doctors hold onto results because they want to feel heroic so they wait & wait so when they say you’re fine you automatically praise them. Either way, this is the worst wait ever & I had a kid that was 11 days overdue.

I guess I’m frustrated. I just want to know what’s up so I know if I need to book time off work, make arrangements for the children or have some peace of mind. On the bright side, this particular health issue has taken less than a week to get looked at, unlike some of the others, which took awhile to get appointments, etc. But before it was “you might have to take this medication” or “you may need minor surgery.” This has that dangling participle of the “C” word. Angelina Jolie was heroic for chopping off her boobs. Maybe I’ll chop off my own and call it a day. We live in a world of instant gratification. We get mad if our server doesn’t bring us bread in 30 seconds or it takes us more than 5 minutes to get a reply from a text. Then we are expected to wait for huge test results. Everyone says “don’t think about it,” but how can you not?

I actually feel for women who have to wait even longer for appointments, ultrasounds, etc. I couldn’t imagine having to wait weeks or months for an initial ultrasound & the terror that goes with it. There’s also the fact that so many people I know have been recently diagnosed with the disease, including my former mother in law, who had to have some serious surgery to get to a cancer free place. She lost her brother and her sister is fighting lymphoma. While she’s in good health right now, it’s not guaranteed and after seeing her go through so much, it makes this situation all the more frightening to me. It also makes me consider packing up & moving her granddaughters closer to her. My own grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, which took her life. My own father passed from melanoma. Cancer has always been very prevalent in my family, so when you’re put in a situation like this, your mind naturally goes to a scary place. Waiting only makes it worse, because the longer you have to wait for a resolution, the more awful your mind makes it.

On the plus side, my best friend since high school Gigi will be here in a few hours & I’ll be able to take my mind off of things for a night. We’ll dance, drink cocktails & have a much needed catch up session. It’s just what the doctor ordered (or I assume, as I still won’t know what he thinks FOR ANOTHER FIVE DAYS). But it is what Gigi ordered and she’s known me since I was 14. She knows I need a break from life and she knows how to cause mischief. We’re gonna have a blast.

I think there has just been too many things going on all @ once & I just need to step back & recharge & refocus. Between revisiting my past to build the ASH Life and getting nostalgic to this latest health debacle, paying back bills, helping my oldest with her counselling, my own counselling and my ex mother in law’s health and family issues, I’ve had a lot to think about and not a lot of time to really get things put together. Once I get this behind me, I can get back to getting things how I’ve come to enjoy them. My life is running rather smoothly & I’d like to keep it that way. So, I just need to ride out the days & chill out, which of course is much easier said than done, when every time you get dressed or undressed, you can see the thing that’s stressing you out just below the surface of your skin.

Finally, as I’ve said, I always like to thank people for the things that they do. So, thank you FB friends for the 30 seconds you took to wish me luck. Thanks to the IRL friends who keep me calm (sort of), especially my high school besties, the Psych Major. Thanks to my coworkers for being awesome, switching shifts & just being cool people. But most of all, thanks to my Texan. Thanks for being there for me when everything goes to Hell. Thanks for praying for me & listening to me bawl & for being the most amazing example of God’s love for seven years. You rock. xoxo – MH

Anchor

July 26, 2013July 26, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Mommydom, My New Life As Me, When Things Suck Hard

The great test results wait!

Day one.

First of all, has NO ONE figured out a way to get results faster?! Really? We can do everything from our phone in a nanosecond but apparently medical test results take a zillion freaking years. /rant

Anywho, I’m trying not to panic & fixate, but I’m so good @ these things! Since I’m gonna do it anyway, I reckoned I’d regale everyone with tales of my thought process through this fantastic week.

I’ve decided the person I most resemble as a fictional character is Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls (minus the good looks, fame & drug problem). Like Jennifer, I’m a small town girl from a messed up background who just wanted to be @ the top. Much like Jennifer, I’m called a doormat. But also, I sometimes feel like walking boobs.

It’s stupid, because I have a lot of great features, but the thought of the highly unlikely outcome that this lump may be cancerous & I may lose my breast (again, worst case scenario) actually made me feel…ugly. Like, super mega ugly. A lot ugly.

I know breasts don’t equal good looks, but I’ve always been proud of my curves. So, when that thought creeped into my head, it was really odd. Do I value myself by my breasts?

I guess I’m sort of writing in the hopes that I will learn I’m not the only woman who feels this way in a sitch like this. Do all women look @ their diet, bras, deodorant & wonder? Do they all look @ their ever changing menstrual cycles & wonder how those are connected? Do they have a moment where they think “I might lose my breasts & be ugly?”

I’m sure it’s nothing, but as I’ve said, we as women are conditioned to think lump = death sentence so it’s hard not to let those thoughts creep in my head.

This is day one. I’m hoping there won’t be more waiting in my future & I can’t put this behind me.

Unapologetic

July 25, 2013July 27, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

Today has been one of those days. Long, stressful & blah. Because I’m too lazy to reblog, my day was marred with this (complete with the order form from the doctor because cred). Normally, I like to distract myself from stressful things by not talking about them or writing philosophical drivel. As part of the ASH Life mission statement to focus on positivity through adversity, that is what I shall do. So, here is a play by play of the worst day of 2013 for your entertainment.

0600: wake up for work sick.
0620: decide makeup isn’t worth it
0627: question whether or not the lack of makeup was the right call
0655: get on the bus
0730: start work. Listen to jingles on TV. Jingles remind me to switch the overlord’s perscriptions to Target.
0900: call clinic & ask if I should drink a litre of water for a boob ultrasound. They laugh. I don’t.
0945: become super thrilled that the alarm on the iPad is being fixed.
1016: make conscious effort not to bite off nails. Celebrate little victories. Wish I was listening to Little Victories by Matt Nathanson instead of work jingles.
1040: take bank deposit to bank. Contemplate Starbucks. Wonder if caffeine causes health issues. Contemplates cutting out caffeine. Remembers I’m an insufferable bitch when sleepy. Decides caffeine must remain a staple.
1107: makes official decision on caffeine

1308: realized I have less than an hour of work & my appointment is in 82 minutes. Resist urge to vomit as I feel Target guests would not like that.
1345: seriously contemplates pulling the plug on the headphone testers so I never have to hear Clarity again.
1350: coworker says I look like crap. Asks if I’m sick.
1415: bus is late.
1419: started blog post about two conversations I had, one with my ex husband & one with the Texan. Will finish later.
1421: bus is finally here. Nine minutes.
1429: one minute to spare!
1435: get fitted for sweet gown

1455: leave to catch bus. Put on David Cook. Cry. Compose self enough to catch bus.
1530: chill in my bed with the two smaller ones & enjoy this playtime. It’s not ideal, but I’m so drained & sore & frazzled. This way, I can enjoy them & get some rest.

Now for the longest week EVER. Waiting for results. It’s really sucky but we do what we have to in order to get through. I know this might seem flip, but I’ve always bottled up scary things. Now, I’m going to trudge through with a sort of sarcastic wit & keep up my own spirits while I hopefully hear everything is okay.

Thank U

July 21, 2013July 21, 2013 by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Just Fun, My New Life As Me, Relationships

I am a person who tries hard to be grateful.

I’m grateful to God for the life I live. I’ve accomplished so many things professionally, I’m successful @ my new job, I have been blessed with beautiful & wonderful children who will grow into successful women. I have awesome friends, the best you could ask for, a skill set that I am passionate about, & I’m not too bad looking.

Because I try to be grateful, I like to show my appreciation for people who do things that enrich my life. As you’ve all known, all of my blog’s titles are actually song titles of whatever I’m listening to, unless there is one that happens to fit. Music is a huge part of my life & my all time favourite band is Lifehouse. So, when I couldn’t afford tickets, two of my friends used their Caesars total rewards to get us some & I got to see my future husband Jason Wade live.

I’ve thanked them a million times, but thank you again, amazeballs friends.

Secondly, I’m blown away by the support, love & feedback for my new project, The ASH Life. I’m blown away by the number of readers, the comments, emails & texts from people reading & loving what’s started. This is my baby, a chance to give parents a voice, a chance to offer support & a community for people to come together & show positivity & I’m so glad you enjoy it. Thank you to the awesome writers, readers & friends for helping this take off.

If you haven’t seen it, check it out here.

http://livetheashlife.wordpress.com

Thank you for reading ASH Multimedia too. I appreciate all of it. It means so much to me that people read & enjoy my words. I hope you continue to in the future.

xoxo MHC