Category: Douchers

Man in the Mirror

by maryhelenc, posted in Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Seriously WTF?, When Things Suck Hard

“THE thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as I best could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge.”

Everyone who knows me well knows my favourite author in the entire world is Edgar Allen Poe. One Christmas, my ex husband bought me a copy of my “favourite” Poe story (the Raven), only to have my friends tell him in unison that its actually the Cask of Amontillado.

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I won’t spoil it for you, because its awesome, but it’s a story of how a man sets forth an interesting revenge for a perceived insult. The narrator never specifies what the insult was, just that it happened. The story takes some interesting turns from there, including the narrator’s sickness at heart over what he had done.

The truth is, that rash actions made in anger entomb us as much as the person that we’ve locked away. We may have chained them up in the darkest part of our hearts & locked them away, but they are still there, rattling their chains & pleading with you to come back & let them free. Meanwhile, you have imprisoned yourself in the same tomb, bound by your anger to an action you know was wrong. So, you venture down to the darkness & peer through the small window, watching them suffer, punishing yourself. They know you’re watching them suffer, feeling the sadness of knowing you’re taking great delight in their pain, unknowing that its guilt you’re feeling. Guilt for acting rash, vengeful & leaving you to languish.

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For years, literary experts have believed that the narrator was actually insane & invented a reason to hurt his victim, because the slight was actually in his mind. I’ve always felt that Poe is trying to teach us that revenge is never a good idea. While yes, the narrator got away with it, it weighed on him for decades, eating away at his soul until he became a broken man.

Truthfully, most “slights” that prompt us to lash out in anger exist only in our own mind. We overreacted, we blew a minor slight out of proportion. Yes, people do dumb things, but chances are it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be. We are our own worst enemies.

This is why reactions made in anger are never good; they hurt you more than you hurt them. You’re haunted by it, taunted by it & will never truly escape the guilt. Your victim lives in your heart imprisoned in the place you dare not go. By holding on to the anger, the revenge, you’ve held onto that person & the line between love & hate is so fine, that most experts will tell you that if you badmouth a former flame vehemently, you’re trying to mask your love for them. Why not set them (& yourself) free? Take them out of the prison of your heart & let them roam free in it. Let the only thing you keep chained in the basement be your desire for revenge.

Things I Cannot Recall

by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“If you tell a man is worthless enough times, he will believe it & become that.”

It’s Monday, which means more gems of awesomeness from my favourite class!

The self-fulfilling prophecy is so sad, because it doesn’t have to be that way, you’ve just been conditioned (either by yourself or someone else) to believe its true.

I so rarely discuss personal events in my life, because my life is boring. But I relate to this so much, that I’m going to open up my weird psyche. Maybe you’ve been there too, or you’ll know why I’m in therapy. But I digress.

I grew up in a world where everything was my fault. EVERYTHING. If something happened in the first foster home I lived in, it was me, even if I didn’t do it. I was just a liar. I was always too demanding, too selfish, too needy, frigid, cold, never good enough, easily replaced. So, because of this I became…nice. The more times I was blamed for someone’s childhood trauma, depression or friend’s inability to get their life together, the nicer I got. I genuinely believed that if I was just nicer, people would be nice back. I never stood up for myself (I still don’t) & if someone has done something that should piss me off & they get defensive, I’ll just back down & try to make them feel better. If someone is angry with me, I’ll bend over backwards to be nicer to them so they’ll stop being angry. I can’t help it, the fear of rage, of being that Mighty Morphin Failure Ranger cripples me. I have to fix it. I’ll cry, beg, because I don’t want to feel replaceable like the people who blamed me told me I was. The silent treatment makes me feel smaller than small, to the point where I’ll do anything to make that person talk to me, even if they’re saying hateful things, because at least then they’re acknowledging I’m alive. I knew I needed to get out of my marriage when I welcomed being shoved into the wall & screamed at, because he was talking to me. The rest of the time, it was video games, books, anything but me. I was silenced & would gravitate to my bedroom, where I would feel invisible, replaceable…alone.

People ask how I became strong while retaining that stupid nice part of me. The answer is that I had no choice. My basic human instinct is to fight (as opposed to flight) & I refuse to let the world rob me of my basic humanity. I know how it feels to be made to feel subhuman, invisible, & broken & I don’t want to make a human being feel that way. So I’ll take their burden, make their guilt mine, rationalize their actions away & forgive them because it was likely my fault anyway. I’ll hold onto the good long after it seems like there is none because I don’t want to think I turned someone into a bad person. Isn’t conditioning fun?

This is why I empathize with people. Imagine being told your entire life that you are weak, no good, you don’t get a say, you’re pathetic. Then you meet someone who tells you that you’re amazing, you’re wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. You’re going to think they’re an idiot (I struggle with this. Whenever someone compliments me, I assume insults are coming). Chances are the minute things get confusing, you’re going to fall into old patterns “You’re just an asshole, be an asshole” or “Be nice, be nice, be nice.”You’ve fulfilled your own prophecy & likely destroyed the one thing you’ve always wanted. If we’re told something long enough, we embrace those traits instead of bucking them in favour of the good someone sees in us…or we know we’re capable of. We as humans hold onto the thing that we’re told the most. I was told I wasn’t important, could be replaced with a new friend/wife/foster child & life would be better. So, I do nice things so that I seem important, so that I feel like I matter.

If you’ve been told you’re an asshole by everyone you value, you will likely be an asshole & hurt people because its what’s expected, even though the people you hurt are the ones who didn’t think you were an asshole. If you’re conditioned to believe that you come from a thug culture, you will embody those characteristics. If you’ve been controlled, you will control the person you love, prey on their weaknesses & maintain that power because you NEED to feel like you have some in your life. You can only shuck them with positivity & belief in yourself. It’s why I write so many positive & uplifting lessons here. I figure there are others who feel trapped by negativity & want to read happy things. There’s enough negativity.

We’ve all been conditioned to be something. Maybe we should condition ourselves. Stop thinking the people who think we’re amazing are just stupid. Stop accepting that it just is. Strive to be the person you could be, not what you’ve been led to believe you are. You’re not just an asshole, you’re probably really great, just made some mistakes & the right people will always love & forgive you. Maybe you’re not a thug, maybe you just like hip hop & live in the wrong part of town. Maybe you’ll end up a doctor. Maybe you don’t need to control that person. Maybe you just need to let them love you instead of forcing them to feel the things you want them to, prove to you what they’ll do for you & accept that you are wanted. I need to learn I’m not replaceable & I can be nice as well as assertive. But there is good in you & you deserve to have the good things that come with that goodness. So, listen to the people who say you are good, ignore the old voices that say you suck & become the person you were meant to be.

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Kiss Me

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Celebrity Fluff, Dorkdom, Douchers, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“In the end, even if not in the short-term, love will conquer all.”

I found this quote on Twitter & I thought it was too cute.

It made me think as lately most of my friends are at these relationship crossroads. It happens to everyone after you’ve been with someone for more than a few months and that warm fuzzy infatuation feeling wears off and you’re in that real love stage. We all end up in that place and for some reason, when things get a little hard, one person wants to work on it while one person always seems to want to bail. We live in a society where love is disposable. When life gets hard, we throw it away & think everything gets better. Oh, we’ll get a new partner & it’ll be better…until chances are we ruin that relationship. It probably fell apart the same way too. But why?

Because the problem never went away…because the problem is you.

Yes, YOU.

You are the problem, just like I am the problem, everyone is the problem! The truth is that we think because we left a relationship, then we “fixed” the problem, when in fact the problem is still there. It’s internal and it’s never going to get better and just because you’re going to make the same mistakes over again.

Maybe you never tell your partners when you’re angry, so they’re constantly guessing why you’re mad and then you just walk away because well…they’re still doing that thing that pissed you off. People don’t read minds, how were they to know when you didn’t tell them? Maybe they asked and you said it’s fine (SUCH a chick move). Maybe you overreact when you need to have a frank conversation and cry, so that your partner doesn’t feel they can tell you when your relationship needs work. Maybe when you feel confused, you try to rationalize & take everyone’s advice but your own & make a giant mess & ruin everything. Maybe you bury your head in the sand like an ostritch and pretend everything is fine when in reality, everyone is pissed off and nothing is working. Maybe you displace aggression and yell about the floor mat but in reality you had a bad day at work. But there is something that needs work and that something is how you handle conflict, how you handle stress, how you handle arguments, you, you, YOU. The reason you can’t find someone is because of you.

This is one of the reasons I continually try to evolve as a person. I know that friendships and relationships end and it’s because of something I did (as well as something they did), so I try harder to improve myself because remaining static will only hinder your life’s journey.

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However, chances are that much like the quote says, there is that one person that you can conquer odds with…eventually. Maybe it’s the person you’ve been with for years, maybe it’s that old flame that sticks out in your mind but you treated them really crummy. But that’s the person you need to know about the most and you will loop back over and over to that person. People believe once something fails, it’s broken but just because you’ve found “the one” doesn’t mean the path to forever is going to run smoothly. In fact, a lot of times there will be periods of damn hard. However, running away from the problem doesn’t make it go away. It just eats at you, damaging the rest of who you are until you become a broken person. Look at Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Timberlake left Biel when she was hoping for a commitment and he wasn’t ready to settle down. He dumped her unceremoniously and slutted it up. Six months later, Timberlake went back to Biel and asked for another chance and the couple wed late 2012.

Sometimes things just don’t effing work at the time, but they won’t ever work if you don’t even try. They won’t work with the next person either. It’ll be a continuous loop of failed relationships until you look at yourself and start looking at how you treat others, how you communicate with them, how much you invest in actually attempting to make it work. But eventually, you’ll meet someone that you can’t stop thinking about no matter how many times you eff it up and eventually, it’ll work. I mentioned it back in September and it bears repeating, that couples who have been married 40 or 50 years will tell you that in their day, you fixed something when it didn’t work right, you didn’t just throw it away.

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Beside You

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, ASH Photography, Douchers, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

What I’ve learned is that all of my blog postings will be inspired by my Ethnic Relations teacher. Really great teacher, really smart guy. It’s a darn shame that I have to miss the last hour of his class to attend the next one as per the schedule of doom.

Today we discussed the difference between a reaction & a response.

I always tell my 5yo that for every reaction there is an equally as powerful reaction. Perhaps I should change that, as I’m not a reactionary person. I respond.

A reaction is a sudden, often negative, lash. Those who respond to a statement with rage, insults & then claim their target “asked for it.” After all, if we blame our victim, it stifles the guilt.

A response is something carefully constructed, something that needs to be said, something that the person has taken the time to think about before speaking.

My prof said “Those who know themselves respond, those who hate themselves react.”

This makes a lot of sense, because someone self-aware isn’t really shocked by someone critiquing them. If you told me I was a neurotic, overachieving, hypersensitive, talkative, pain in the ass, I would likely agree, because its well…true. The person who hates themselves can’t stand it when someone points out their flaws, or what they’re doing that isn’t kind. They lash out, often cruelly, often towards the person who loves them most. After all, they’ll just forgive you when you’re done being angry & they asked for it, right?

During his own time as a student, my prof was required to spend a half hour doing nothing. No music, no talking, just sitting with his own thoughts. It helped him become self aware. Perhaps we should all do this once a day. I would even suggest asking yourself the following questions:

1. Who am I?
2. Do I like who I am?
3. Do I like who I’m becoming?
4. How do I treat people?
5. How do others view how I treat people?
6. If someone treated my child as I treat people, how would I feel?
7. How do people react/respond to me?
8. What do I want most out of life?
9. What would my current actions dictate about me/what I want?
10. What do I need to change to be who I want to be?

Perhaps if we are accountable to ourselves, we will become the person we should be, not the person we turn out to be, because we let our demons control us, make us hate ourselves. It’s half an hour of perspective & perhaps we all need it so we can learn stronger interpersonal relationships. I know I could use some perspective. Why not do it & get to know yourself? Maybe you’ll find out that you can be your own best friend.

Little Things

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Photography, Celebrity Fluff, Douchers, Political Fluff, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

“What man fears, he destroys…”

David Draiman of Disturbed/Device quoted this on Twitter & it’s so true.

When settlers first came to North America, they feared the Native people, so they attempted to destroy their way of life to “help them.” We still fear change, only now we expect immigrants to learn “our” way of life, not the Native one or keep their own. Sometimes, as my good friend over at the Gleason Table says, “Our Premier destroys the province because he fears decent government!”

Man fears beast, so every generation vilifies a new breed of dog. First it was the German Shepard, then Doberman Pinchers, then Rottweilers, now the Pitbull. We have wiped out so many species because we feared interactions with them (well, not the dodo. We eliminated them because they didn’t fear humans).

We fear our own futures, so we systematically destroy them in the hopes that we can just stay where we are. We sabotage jobs, relationships, education because when that step is done, then the next step has to happen & WTF do we do then?! So, we become human hurricanes, tearing everything apart around us. We run from a problem instead of fight for what we want because what we want is scary. We quit our job & go to the next one because we’re afraid to take that step to move ahead. We blame everyone else for the mess we’re in because its easier. S/he made a mistake, so I bolted. My workplace was run by idiots, that’s why I don’t get ahead. The breed is viscous, that’s why it bit that kid, not because I didn’t train it. We never look at the fact that we took a hurricane to our life & destroyed everything good because we were afraid.

However, the interesting thing about the walls we build up to keep things out is that once we’ve let something in, those walls we build up keep that thing in as well. So, while our hurricane tears everything apart, what we’ve allowed to sneak in stands tall, with storm windows up, enduring it all. Maybe it’s the friend who is always there for you, the partner who puts up with your crap, knows exactly who you are & loves you, flaws & all, the job we love, or our own desire to hold onto something because deep down we know we need it, what we’ve let in isn’t easily destroyed.

We need to question why we as humans would rather tear apart what makes us afraid instead of working through it. Why dismiss cultures we don’t understand, breeds we don’t get or tear apart everything instead of just admit we are afraid? Sometimes the bravest act is the admission of fear. Sometimes we have to clean up the boardwalk after the hurricane rips through to see the damage wasn’t so bad & you can finally stop being so afraid of the next breath, the next step.

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Never Say Never

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Current Events, Douchers, Mommydom, Political Fluff, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, support Windsor!, When Things Suck Hard

I would love to write something beautiful about the Newtown, CT massacre that left 26 innocent souls dead, but I could never in a million years adequately express my condolences or say anything that could honestly provide solace.

Instead, I’m going to answer a question posed online:

“Do your children know about the tragedy?”

The answer kids, is YES.

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