Category: Douchers

Seven Things

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

AKA: The seven rules for dating MHC.

After meeting (& casting out) “the guy,” I realized more than ever that I have a series of unwritten rules when it comes to dating. That’s why no one gets past date one hahaha. I asked my therapist who told me it’s good that I’m being picky, as I’m finally looking out for me. I’m in a place where I love myself more than I care to protect people around me & I need to protect myself from ending up hurt again or settling. Settling is how you end up married & miserable. So, while it may not be ideal for the guys, I’m not willing to compromise what I’m looking for (it doesn’t hurt that no one is giving me butterflies or has been someone I’ve wanted for a long time. Less attachment is better). But, I talked to my friends the Psych Major & the Gleason Table & told them my unwritten rules for dating & they agreed that it’s not a bad list. I figured I’d share them in case there’s any I missed.

1. Don’t spend the entire time telling me how pretty I am. I know this. I OWN A MIRROR. That might sound horrible, but I think all women should feel comfortable in their own skin. I love a good compliment, but there’s got to be more than wasting oxygen telling me what I already know. The guy spent all of his time telling me I’m gorgeous. That’s great, but I have a brain. I’m smart. I’m funny. I have great opinions on politics. Why aren’t we discussing current events? ANYTHING?! I love good conversation & I’ll want you to keep up. If you can’t discuss pop culture or politics or even a book you read, please go away. There’s more to life than looks.

2. I don’t give a rat’s ass how much money you make. See this house? I pay for it myself. All of the bills in it too. Everything I’m wearing too. This is because I HAVE A JOB. I don’t need a sugar daddy, I’m not impressed by your bank statement & no one takes care of me but me. While yes, I feel a gentleman should offer to pay on the first date, I’ll likely pay my own bill.

3. This doesn’t mean you can be a broke ass, you MUST have a job. The Gleason table always wants me to add “and not at a call centre, because only losers work @ call centres.” I’m not that picky though. I don’t care if you dig ditches; you have a job. A legit, gainful form of employment with a T4 and everything. I support myself & my daughters; I expect you can support yourself. If you jump from job to job, I’ll probably send you packing. I think you should be able to hold said job.

4. How you treat others is how you’ll treat me. Do you continuously belittle your friends behind their back? Do you talk down to the waitress and badmouth every ex lover as “insane” or “a bitch” and every relationship you were wronged because you’re perfect? Well, that’s how you’ll treat me so goodbye. I may not have 100% glowing things to say about everyone in my life, but I’ll try. I’m also quick to point out my part in the failure of a relationship. No one is perfect, least of all me & my life has no room for narcissism. My foster dad always taught me the true measure of a man’s character was how he treated those in his life, including the waitress & his mother. So, if you treat those around you poorly, you’ll treat me poorly. Also, I don’t tolerate any racist or homophobic remarks. I walked out on a date because the guy said the beers on tap were “gay.” Respect goes a long way.

5. Trust is EARNED. You don’t just get it. The guy said I seemed mistrustful of people because I wouldn’t tell him which store in the mall I worked in. I don’t want you visiting me @ work (his intention). I don’t think it’s your business after date one. I won’t add you on FB either. My friend got flamed for saying that he has “social networking rules” for his girlfriends. I have them too. I don’t advertise my relationship on FB (I once changed the status as a joke between myself & the Gleason Table) & I don’t add photos of us until we’ve been dating for at least four months. I was once more open on my Twitter, but I learned not to do that. Keeping a separation until the relationship is serious isn’t a bad thing. It’s like my children; you won’t meet them for at least one year. I don’t need someone to play quasi stepparent & then leave them & hurt them. They have a dad; he’s not the best, but he’s their dad. If you’d like to step up & be their stepdad, then you’ll show me that you’re here for the long haul. But let’s get to date two. Shall we?

6. My name is Mary-Helen. Simple right? I abhor nicknames (although there are still about six people left on Earth who still call me Melon, but they’ve all known me for over 10 years), short forms, pet names of any kind. Like A LOT. If we ever progress into a real relationship then I will tolerate your need to call me some cutesy name, but until then my name is not “honey,” “sweetie,” “Dollface,” or “baby.”

7. Remember how I said that looks aren’t the number one thing? That applies to you too. I don’t care about your muscles or abs; if you have a feature that attracted me, it’s your eyes & smile. That makes you attractive to me. You know what else is hot? A man with a brain. A guy who starts a conversation about books. A guy who’s read Edgar Allen Poe and didn’t just see the Simpsons version of the Raven. A man who is passionate about something, whether it’s his sports team or the world around him. A gentleman who still holds doors & calls when he says he will. That’s attractive.

Those are my simple rules. Anyone who follows them may make it to date two! (Hey, it could happen!) I don’t think they’re that hard; I think they’re common sense honestly. I don’t need to be impressed by big talk & the like. I want to be impressed by actions, something tangible, a real person.

Through the Dark

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

***I apologize in advance that this is all kinds of ADD. I have about four things that I’m thinking of and they’re all like minded. We’ll see how this works out.***

My decision to start dating again had a lot to do with the fact that I was interested in a guy I met casually by chance. He was cute, seemed funny, and he was the first man in 15 months that appealed to me…until I got to know him. We had literally NOTHING in common. He didn’t care for pop culture (you know, how I makes my livings when I’m not schilling phones), thought the media was biased, only liked documentaries, and didn’t understand how one good song makes life magical. So, when I mentioned that maybe we were meant to be friends, he said his only interest in life was me…ew. I like having a life separate from the men I date. I don’t like us sharing friends, I like being able to go out with my friends if I want while he’s out with the guys, no asking “permission,” etc. So, it was curtains.

That’s how it works. One tiny mistake, or tell me one thing I don’t like and out you go. I guess it’s why I recognize it in others, because it’s what I do. My friends tell me it’s because I’m still standing by the water, frantically trying to say the right thing (without saying the one thing I cannot say), stammering with tears trying to fix what I didn’t know was broken, but the truth is, I’ve always been fairly closed off and now it’s worse. My best friend the Psych Major mentioned that because she didn’t feel nutured as a child, she loves to cuddle now. I’m the opposite. I’m detached. My marriage wasn’t a love match and I’m afraid of going through the motions and finding myself wishing I could blow out my brains than spend one more second in this loveless joke where we fight and hate life. I’m also afraid to fall in love. Because if I do, we’ll plan a life and he’ll leave me…and I’ll have to start over again. Because I’m hard to love and I don’t want to fall in love and risk them leaving me again. I’m scared of giving someone my blind, unconditional love & them throwing it back in my face like it was nothing…like I was nothing. I’m sure eventually I’ll get over that fear, I’m working on it, but right now, you likely are sent packing after that one mistake.

My girlfriend challenged me about my love life and I realized I’ve always been the dumb girl with the long term crushes, aside from that guy in high school I crushed on and Gigi and I laugh about it to this day. My first crush was on my friend’s boyfriend’s brother when I was 15. I crushed on that guy all through high school and when I ran into him at the beach 4 years later, I jumped @ the chance to date him to make my ex boyfriend jealous (Trust me, I learned how BAD an idea that is). That boyfriend I was interested in for two years before I made a move. My ex husband was the only guy I sort of just fell into a relationship with. Even my quasi attraction to my former best guy friend simmered for a year and even then, there was another man that held my interest, so much so that I was a total bitch and wouldn’t even add him on Facebook because I was married and I shouldn’t have been thinking such impure thoughts. I’m always a long term, awkward, I want this but I’m too chicken to do anything sort of girl.

This made me think of the kinds of men I would want and I realized that it’s a guy like Christian Bale.

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It’s not just because he’s the hottest guy on the planet. It’s because he tears up talking about his loving, supportive, patient wife Sibi Blazic. He doesn’t need to flaunt her and his daughter everywhere. In fact, no one even knew his daughter’s name until a couple of years ago. He wants to keep their marriage private and away from the meddlers and the instigators. He even cut his mom and sister out of his life to protect Blazic from their unkind thoughts. He adores her, worships her, is happy that she accepts his temper and physical transformations for work and the separations and loves her. He loves her so much that he breaks down in interviews talking about her. Candid photos show him opening doors for her, pulling out chairs, etc. They do their charity work in private. He may yell @ sound techs and sound like a douchebag in interviews, go through dramatic weight losses (the Machinist) or gains (American Hustle) to play a part, but the reason Christian Bale is the hottest man on Earth is because he respects his wife and daughter.

So, I want someone like that, but I’m so afraid that if I fall, they’ll leave me like everyone else I’ve driven away by you know, the crazy. So, I want someone to share my life with, but I won’t look, I hold them to unrealistic expectations, send them packing the minute they displease me and I still leave that front light on. This probably means I shouldn’t be actively pursuing a relationship, so it’s for the best that I’m not. I just don’t know how to let go of that fear of that boring, blah life that I hated or getting my heart broken again. Also, part of me likes my life. I like being alone. I love being left alone. I like that I’m home almost every night. I like that no one is nitpicking my life under the guise of “helping me.” I like that I talk to my friends once a week or so and I’m good. I like that I play with my kids and hang with the angriest tween @ night and I sleep alone and sprawl like a starfish. For my entire adult life people have controlled me. First my ex fiance, then my former husband, then my own best friend (which everyone noticed but me) and I don’t want to give up control of my life. If I could have my independence, and a partner, that would be kind of awesomesauce. But I don’t feel lonely, like there’s a void. So, these are the new things I need to work on so I can continue to be the most awesomest MHC I can be…or unless Christian Bale calls (although he breaks my dad rule). I also need to get this move done and out of the way and get situated in my new life before I think about adding anything to it.

But I think it’s a good thing. It’s good that I’m not afraid to be alone. I don’t fear life thinking I’ll die without a companion. I love my life & I love that it’s MY life & that I do things MY way. I love that I make my own choices & I’m working on loving my body image & I’ve even embraced that I’ll always be a little skittish, a little anxious & that I need to work on those things. I needed to work on not allowing my friends to take over my life, interfere because I’m a shy bunny who needs protecting. I needed to learn that I matter too & I can’t expect someone to make me happy because I give them the world. I have to make me happy. But I like me & that will help me when I’m finally no longer gun shy about falling in love again. Because I know I’m awesome & you should too. Like Katy Perry said recently, this time helped me love me so that the right person can love me the way I deserve & I’ll find my John Mayer (only not Douchey) & we’ll realize that “Who You Love” was about us too.

Best Blog Ever

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I once wrote a blog post defending my doormat personality.

One of my oldest friends gave me crap. He told me that me continuing to be the big hearted doormat would leave me feeling empty & hollow with no direction. He was right.

Then, a Facebook friend (& the author of Coffee & Curse Words) started sharing all of the things he did to make his life better & honestly, he’s one of the happiest & most honest people I know.

I mentioned in passing that I envied him for being able to take control of his life & live it & he very succinctly reminded me that I could too, if I wanted to. After all, no one is really chained in one place. There are work arounds for everything. All we need to do is take control. He wrote a post about learning to be happy, & he mentioned putting yourself first…something I have NEVER done. All of my life I’ve lived for other people & I was left feeling under appreciated & broken & a simpering whiner, a poor role model for my daughters. I allowed it, because I thought being a doormat showed people I loved them. It might have, but it also showed people that I wasn’t an equal, to the point that people cut ties with me once I started demanding to be equal. People blamed their faults, insecurities & cruelty on me. It’s my fault you’re an asshole because I was insecure. It’s my fault you’re a liar because I might cry. I started to believe it; I was a toxic person, until my oldest friend reminded me that my life was much calmer, much more tranquil without the “friends” & how I seemed much more like my bad ass self. Maybe it wasn’t just me. Maybe they are jerks & I allow people to treat me like crap because I want so much to please people that I justify it to myself & everyone else. But what about MH? What happens to her? I think she’s pretty amazing & deserves a Helluva lot better than she’s been dealt, so she’s through taking crap.

I was going to start living & loving me.

I decided it was time for a change. Over the last few months, I started writing in a cathartic manner, letting out all of the things I held in. I often forget people read my blog, so I was writing for me, to get out all of the emotions I held onto. I’m glad that you could relate, but I was doing it for me.

Then, I thought about what I wanted for me. Yes, me. No more thinking about my friends, family, ex husband, potential love interests. ME. I came to three conclusions (well, four. But one isn’t an option, so I’m focusing on the three that are):

1. I want to work in media. I want to freelance for a new magazine, learn new skills & maybe in a different genre.
2. I don’t want to live in Windsor & haven’t for almost three years. The job market isn’t what I would want, the media opportunities are slim & my child is almost a teenager & is thinking of her future & I don’t think I would want her attending St. Clair College or the University of Windsor (before anyone jumps on me, I did graduate from St. Clair College…twice.)
3. I want my daughters to grow up in a city that is growing, thriving. Something that isn’t bound by industry or union struggles. A place that has growth.

So, when an opportunity arose to leave Windsor with my job & benefits intact, I jumped. I gave my landlord notice. I signed the dotted line & in 89 days, I will be in my new home in a new city.

This is the most selfish thing I’ve ever done & I’m thrilled. My house has been chosen by me, with no one’s approval. I didn’t ask a million people if they thought it was a good idea. I made a choice for my life & ran with it. I’m finally doing what I’ve wanted to do since I filed for divorce & that’s move away from Windsor & build my life & career in a new city with new opportunities. I’m showing my girls that you need to do what’s best for yourself, even if it’s not necessarily popular (which it hasn’t been). My friends don’t necessarily agree, but they are being supportive. I can still be a kind person, but like my friend said a year ago, I don’t need to sacrifice the best parts of me to please people. I need to be selfish & live my life on my terms for me.

So, the next 89 days will boast trick or treating, Christmas, purging a whole bunch of stuff we don’t need, donating, painting a hallway my children drew on & as 2013 comes to a close, the next chapter of my life begins & it’s one I’m excited to start.

Shallow Days

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dear Blank, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Social Media, Television

Spoiler: Do not read if you have not yet watched the season premiere of Glee.

I rarely watch television, but there are about four shows that I enjoy & one of them is Glee.

I was disappointed that I missed the premiere (as I was on a train heading home from house hunting), so I followed along on Social Media & was delighted to read that my favourite couple, Kurt & Blaine had reconciled & were now engaged. As I read the details of the over the top proposal, I read people everywhere demanding a proposal like that, which reminded me of a recent post on one of my favourite blogs, Mommy Man, sharing my disdain for over the top marriage proposals. (Something I mention on this site regularly after the finale of the Bachelorette)

Credit: Fox Television
Credit: Fox Television

I do not find them romantic; I always feel like that Star Wars character that screams “it’s a trap!” After all, your whole family is there, or an arena full of people, or a flash mob & they’re all staring @ you waiting for an answer, so you have to say yes or you’re an asshole. Then you have to plan a wedding, where the bride is the centre of attention & everyone is staring & critiquing everything, & everyone is mad because so & so wasn’t invited or the bridesmaids hate their dresses & nothing is about the celebration of two people joining their lives, it’s about this party that’s worth the down payment of a house & the whole process freaks me out. While it’s sweet when Blaine plans this for Kurt, as the world of Glee is meant to be over the top, I’d probably stand there, deer caught in the headlights & then puke.

I caught up with an old friend this week & we were talking about how she & her partner are in no rush to wed because it just works for them & she reminded me that even when we were kids, I was never the “wedding” type. I always said I wanted to elope & we would just tell people when we felt like it. I’m not good with commitment; I’ve discussed it twice. Once with the sudden proposal & I spent my entire engagement trying to get out of the wedding, including nearly jilting my ex-husband @ the altar. I got my amazing daughters, so the union wasn’t a total wash, but it’s apparent that marrying him was a mistake. The second time we made a plan & the closer we got to the planned date, the more I panicked. Were we ready? Were we skipping steps? Too fast? Too slow? Do we really have to have a wedding where people will quietly judge me for being married twice? Can’t we just stay in the place we are in the relationship & just remain, because the person was right, but the timing of the engagement plan is all wrong. Maybe I just haven’t met the right person & that’s why it freaked me out. Or, I self sabotage. Whatever.

I’ve often wondered if I fail being a girl because there is no dream ring, dream wedding on Pinterest. I know my limitations & commitment is one of them. I’d either need to be engaged for a million years or one day, where the person I love shows up @ my door & tells me that no matter how much of a mess the rest of life, our relationship might be, loving me is the right thing & we just elope that day. Maybe that’s the key to relationships; keeping everyone else out, which is my big beef about these elaborate proposals. I’ve learned that sometimes, well intentioned friends & family members will butt in to your relationship when times aren’t pretty & it’s up to the two of you to keep them out, because then your relationship becomes the source of third party gossip, with someone else’s hyperbole & is usually completely wrong. Ignore them, talk to each other. You’re killing the trust by listening to your friends & family (or theirs!) over your partner. It’s okay to talk to someone for advice, but I’ve learned you need to limit that too. So, by inviting them all to your choreographed, Bruno Mars lipsynched proposal, you’ve invited them to be part of your relationship. While it’s sweet that you want to share that moment, the choice to make a lifetime commitment should be a private one, the celebration (the wedding) can involve family. When my marriage was falling apart, I had so many people offer me advice because “I was at your wedding,” so obviously they knew how to fix it. Generally, when I’m fixating, I just want a sounding board. I don’t want advice from the peanut gallery, as it makes my mind more jumbled.

I think I’m more like another Glee character, Emma Schuester (nee Pillsbury), who just cannot handle the pressure of a big, public commitment & giant wedding. The actual choice to share my life with someone will always freak me out, even if it feels like the right person. Emma jilted her fiancé Will because the wedding & the choice freaked her out & they went back to dating. They later wed in the choir room, with only their students present. And while it might seem lame to most, the idea of myself & my partner (& the legally required two witnesses) being the only ones present when we make a commitment (after I’ve breathed in the bag) sounds better than all of the flash mobs, dance numbers & Beatles covers in the world.

Credit: Fox Television
Credit: Fox Television

Headlights on the Highway

by maryhelenc, posted in Current Events, Dorkdom, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

I like my job. It’s a very nice job. It’s not in my field (either of them) but it pays me well, which is important as I’m a sole support parent receiving no financial support whatsoever from the children’s father (while yes, he is unemployed & has been for some time, he also refused to pay child support for 11 months when he was working & preferred to wait until his wages were garnisheed). I like that they are flexible so I could freelance on the side when I’m ready to & I can transfer to a new city without issue.

However, I sometimes have to stop myself when guests complain of high prices & the expectation of paying money for a new device from telling them that their first world or “white people” problems are not so bad & they need to quit whining.

Yes, there are cell phone networks that offer unlimited everything for $30/mos, but you get what you pay for, which is a tiny network, slow connection & internet throttling after a certain percentage. When people whine, I want to remind them that a cell phone is a luxury item & to STFU.

Before I get flamed, yes, a phone is essential, but for $15 you can do prepaid & have a flip phone for emergencies. I am writing this from my iPhone. I do not need to have the capability to blog from my phone. I could easily go home to my computer (luxury item) and log onto my internet (luxury item) & update my blog (luxury item). You do not need a smartphone unless you work where you need access to email @ all times. You do not need to update your Facebook (luxury item) from your phone or listen to music (luxury item) from your phone. You need it to make calls. Anything else is a bonus.

Yes, my job security relies on you wanting those luxury items, but let’s call a spade a spade; that’s what they are. I love my iPhone, but I also know it’s a toy & to use it, I’m willing to fork out the money. If I want fast internet, I need to fork out money. Same with cable, netflix, video games, etc. They are bonuses in life.

Remember, while you’re whining because you don’t have your shiny new gold istatussymbol, there are real people suffering real problems, like divorce, death, hunger, war, income loss, job loss, and homelessness. If your biggest woe is that your $750 trinket is going to cost you $70/month, life’s good for you.

We neeed to rationalize what is a necessity & what is just for fun. Food we need, phones we don’t. With that in mind, I’ll resume selling luxury items to the masses.

Sent from my iPhone

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Aftermath

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH General, Dorkdom, Douchers, Life, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Dear Readers,

Today is the third anniversary of ASH Multimedia! Holy crap! I can’t remember when I’ve ever stuck to a project this long, but I’m so glad that I did.

When I started this blog, I was an unhappily married mom who feared being replaced by the people I loved. Fast forward & I’m a single mom trying to balance her ever changing life, a dork & a dreamer & a girl on fire. I got a divorce, fell in love, got my heart broken, made friends, lost friends, went to college, nearly flunked out because I walked out of an exam, graduated anyway, & dealt with loss, euphoria & a few emotions in between. Guess what? I didn’t die. Some of it was wonderful, some of it hurt & some just plain pissed me off. But I didn’t die. I came out singed & battered, but stronger. For the first time since I was 19 years old, I like who I am. I like who I see in the mirror.

I’ve learned life lessons. Yes, I’m replaceable to people, but that’s okay. Chances are, so are they. I’ve learned that sometimes you’ll get crushed & it’ll take you months to feel okay, but you will. I learned that all feelings are valid, even if you don’t like or agree with them. I learned that I can forgive almost anything & love completely & even if I don’t like you very much or if you are no longer part of my life, I am capable of great love for you. I’ve learned that I’ll never be the perfect mom, friend or housekeeper, but as long as I’m doing my best for my girls & I, we will be okay. I’ve learned that while I don’t always put myself first, sometimes I have to so I don’t end up basing my self worth around what people think of me. I need to be my own best friend, great love & cheerleader. I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting there.

But I didn’t learn this from myself; I learned it from you. I once had an audience of one, now it’s an audience of hundreds & I’m not really sure why! You, who is reading this right now taught me these lessons, through your comments, emails & for whatever reason, your continued reading of ASH Multimedia & the ASH Life. I’m so happy that you read my blog, even if its to feel better about your life by comparison.

So, thanks for reading. Thanks for laughing @ my life for three years. I hope to continue to make you feel better about your life by comparison for a few more years to come.

xoxo – MHC

Pins & Needles

by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Life, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Seriously WTF?

Life is about maintaining the ever elusive balance.

It feels like I’m always searching for that magical balance in life. When I was in school, I had to balance my education, my job, my girls & my house, & the house suffered. When I wasn’t working, the house looked great, but we were broke. Now I’m working full time & balancing that, the housework, the angry tween, the other two, & time for me to breathe.

The counsellor says the angry tween needs undivided attention, which means the other two feel slighted. So, there’s a balance I need to find. I’ve sort of balanced work & housework with my amazeballs chore hat. Meanwhile, it seems like I’m always going. I used to live for this life, but with the addition of counsellors, co-parenting & of course, the fact that my youngest is starting JK in two weeks, sometimes I just want to slow down & read books with them.

I often wonder; does anyone really find the balance, or are we always sort of looking for it, hoping to find it & having it for a minute before it needs to be rebalanced? I sometimes hope I’m not the only scatterbrained mom trying to make her life work on a day to day basis, because maybe that’s the balance.

Last October

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Dear Blank, Douchers, My New Life As Me, Quotable Quotes and Potpourri, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

I have a hippie friend.

I love my hippie friend. She is strong, brave, wise and generally sorts things out for me that confuse the eff out of me.

Well, lately I’ve been trying to sort through some stuff & I didn’t know how to understand it, so I went to the hippie and the unlikeliest of sources.

I’ve had a bit of a falling out with some close friends over the last year, three to be exact. While one of them & I are reconnecting a bit on social media, her & I not being as close as we were has been kind of a sore spot with me, because I missed her. While outwardly, I acted like it didn’t bother me, my counselling sessions and chats with the hippie often mentioned my longing for my friendship with her, the support, the brutal honesty, the mutual love of cats and her adorable son. I wanted to apologize for sort of passing the buck about a few things, not adequately explaining what was bothering me, etc. but didn’t know how. The absence of regular conversations with this friend affected me. I was in a funk, my grades slipped, my heart was heavy. Combined with the end of a relationship with a person that meant so much to me, it was hard to pull myself out of the doldrums and I became Debbie Downer, which for anyone who knows me knows that is not me.

However, I later learned two of my best friends had lied to me about a lot of things because hurting me was mean or some such garbage and we’ve kind of distanced ourselves, to the point where the friendship seems to have ended. However, there was no despondency. There was a lot of focus on self-improvement, a lot of realization that I spent a lot of time saying “Well, they think…” and I realized how few major life decisions I have made on my own since the divorce. However, I didn’t feel that gutting agony of them not being there. I just kept on working. I got a job…and another one. My grades went up. I focused on losing weight. I felt more confident in my choices. I’m not saying that they are bad people, in fact, they’re amazing people! But right now it seems that they don’t fit in my current life plan and strangely enough, I’m okay with that. There is no tears or begging or that feeling of desolation and hurt. It’s just “Oh, well that’s cool. Hope they’re doing well.”

I asked the Hippie why and she said “some friends do not impact your person they are more peripheral? You enjoy them but they do not enrich your world and your life. Some people make a contribution to your world and they may not even be friends, but you are profoundly hurt by the loss of them in your life.”

While the friends made a positive impact in my life, things slowly changed and now the trust just isn’t there anymore. Meanwhile, the friend who I got annoyed with for being well meaning and even brutally honest & the man were the ones who enriched my life in deeper ways. It was the friend that I missed more than anything, even when I was annoyed. It was her birthday message that made me smile on the worst day ever. It was her random comments here and there that I would reply to. My children still long for that long lost person, that person whose departure from my life broke my heart in ways that I didn’t know could be done. The one I waited for months for, because I didn’t want a future without him, his child & his goodness. Because these people are a “person of value,” not just a friend.

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I asked my ex-husband (because after all, the person who’s known me for almost half of my life should know something about me and despite the acrimonious split, for some reason, I still ask him stuff and vice versa. I guess it’s because deep down we know we still know the other one well) why the loss of some people just doesn’t seem to bother me and throughout my life, there have only been three people whose departures have affected me long term and he suggested that maybe they belonged in my life. I missed my friend, that’s why her picture is still on my wall. I didn’t bat an eyelash walking out on a long term union, but “nothing broke you like the loss of that man. I wish I could do something to help, especially for the girls’ sake, because you were all happy then.” “Person of Value” was actually a term that he used to use. While yes, we had friends in Windsor, none were valuable, I wasn’t valuable. His family was valuable, the people he’s met online are valuable because they enrich him in some way. I’m glad he’s found “Persons of value.”

I don't love easily, or very well. But when I do, it's a choice that I make, knowing that it's irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up without them. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love them when they're long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself.
I don’t love easily, or very well. But when I do, it’s a choice that I make, knowing that it’s irreversable, unchanging and there is a good chance that I will become roadkill and end up alone. But I do it, and continue to do it because it is a choice, a choice to love when you are unloved, a choice to give when there is nothing left to give, to love when you get nothing back, to love when they are long gone & to always love them, because that is the nature of what love truly is. Wanting more for the other person than yourself. I love only a handful of people like this, & I know I couldn’t stop if I wanted to, because when I made the choice, I knew I couldn’t reverse it. It was agape, always love.

I have a long time best friend who was a “Person of Value” to me. We had a falling out over a misunderstanding and we would only sporadically talk for 10 years. Finally, she messaged me on Facebook and we are talking again and it’s great. I feel so much happier with her presence in my life again. The years she wasn’t around, I missed her friendship, her bluntness and her constant “What do YOU think? You have to live with the choice,” which challenged me. My other high school best friend is another “Person of Value.” We’ve always kept in touch, but she is definitely one of my closest friends and role models and I love her for being in my life.

So, while I may not have all of the “Persons of Value” in my life again, it’s nice to know that I’m not weird for only truly wanting certain people in my life and not really mourning the rest. Maybe someday, the other friends will be a part of my life again, when fate dictates that we need each other. Until then, I wish them nothing but happiness and good health, because that’s what they deserve.

Butterfly Kisses

by maryhelenc, posted in Crazy Talk, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

In honour of Father’s Day, I’ve decided to write about my relationship with my own father figures.

My father passed away when I was five years old, so I was that kid who sat out of craft time while the other kids got to make their paper neckties. It was pretty demoralizing and likely didn’t help with that fear of isolation, but I’m not here to psychoanalyze myself.

I’ve often wondered if my dad would be proud of the person I’ve become, or if he would think I was some kind of raging screw-up. I haven’t really been the best kid all of the time. I’ve lipped off to my mom, I’ve been a pain in the ass and I’ll likely never have a husband, namely because I don’t particularly see it as important and I don’t know if I want to date anyone ever again (my track record of cancelling the last 15 dates in a row is pretty telling), nor would my children accept anyone else besides the mate they want for me. My first marriage was a comedy of errors and my academic performance in any class that wasn’t english, the arts, sociology or media was pretty piss poor. I mean, yeah, I got the diplomas, but could I have been better? Am I the person that my father would be proud of? It’s something that weighs on me every single Father’s day.

Then there is my foster father, whom I call my dad. He is a great man, who encouraged me to be myself. He told me that I was a charismatic, dynamic young lady and people would be jealous of the person that I was, because all eyes go on me when I enter a room because I’m bright, witty, and charming. He taught me to be myself, trust my own instincts and believe that I was capable of anything. Somewhere I lost those lessons along the way and I guess I need to reclaim those lessons, because my dad is a smart man and he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t believe it. He’s the most important male influence I’ve ever had and I hope he’s proud of me too. Sometimes I wonder, for all of the reasons listed above. Maybe I don’t live up to my full potential. Maybe I don’t surround myself with the right people. Maybe I screw up the positive relationships in my life to spend time with people who hold me back from being my best self. I don’t know, but I know that I hope he’s proud of me.

So, these are the things I think about every single father’s day. I hope all of the dads out there are having a great day. To the stepdads who pick up the slack for the deadbeats and the dads that take their job seriously, I commend you. To the single moms going it alone, be proud of yourselves. To the grandpas and uncles and male role models who step up when no one else is there and come out to family outings, etc. I hope you know how important you are.

Before Tomorrow Comes

by maryhelenc, posted in Douchers, Fitnesslicious, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships

As Hannibal from the A-Team said, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

I love when I take a look at my life and things are going almost EXACTLY the way I want them to. I’ve been out of school for a little over a month and I’m already starting a job next week. It’s not in either field, but it’ll pay bills, which is great. However, tomorrow I have interviews for two more positions, both more financially lucrative. Again, not in my fields of study, but still rewarding. I also have a meeting to close up another chapter in my life that has been plaguing me for some time. That’s behind me too. My weight loss and fitness goals are being met, and I’m healthier. All of these things are good things and remind me of how easily I can make things happen when I put my mind to them.

I’ve even had a couple of really positive chats with “the dad.” While we’ll never be friends, we understand each other a bit better now. He’s on medication and I’ve long accepted that my inability to provide genuine romantic love for him contributed to the end of the union. It doesn’t excuse his actions, but I don’t think I helped boost his self esteem either. However, he did remind me to make sure that I make my own choices, because “Your friends; they control you. Don’t let them do it anymore.” (I’m not sure if I 100% believe that, but I have had a few people tell me this lately) He also gave some advice about love, believe it or not, because when I was happy, he wasn’t terribly thrilled, but now he realizes things are better if I’m happy & wishes that the kids could get their way because they were happier then too (which is weird, when your ex-husband says you were better off with someone else. He’s not wrong, but it’s huge growth for a guy who once told me his only joy would be when I was miserable). Will we ever have our pre-marriage friendship back? Unlikely. But we can co-parent without killing each other…right now. We’ll see how long this truce lasts, because we’ve both wrecked those truces before. I have to give him a lot of credit for this current truce, he’s been doing more for the kids and trying to get along with me, which has been good for the girls.

My hippie friend and my amazeballs Texan tell me that I need to recapture my “MH-ness” which is that I take no crap from anyone. I’m dominant and life is my bitch. So, that’s how I will carry myself, because that’s who I am and I’m proud of who I am. So, much like Hannibal, I love when a plan comes together. Things are all working in a direction so that my life will be almost exactly the way I want it. It will never be 100% the way I want it, but almost is better than not @ all, and I’ll take almost right now.

My friend the Texan told me that the hair Gods are in my favour, so that is coming together too. My friend the Texan told me that the hair Gods are in my favour, so that is coming together too.