Category: Dear Blank

Save You

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Everyone has that moment where it all just comes crashing down.

That was me this week.

Everything I loved about my life (except parenting) suddenly fell apart & I’m left trying to understand.

I’m hurting, I’m wounded & I’m lost. I hate that I’m supposed to be the person that nothing affects but this week has really walloped me.

So, I try to remember all the lessons that I taught myself all of these months; that there’s always a shred of hope in the darkness & sometimes that shred of hope is enough to help you endure. When things look bleakest, you may be closest to your victory. That broken hearts mend & eventually things will be okay.

I know these things, but right now, I just want to feel okay.

Soldier

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

Life is about lessons learned.

I’m always learning new lessons & trying to apply them to my daily life.

The latest lesson is learning how to open up to a new person after the old person messed you up so badly.

I’m very blessed to be with the person I am with. I have blogged about him more than once, and while I try to keep my gushing about him to a minimum, sometimes one can’t help it.

He’s a very strong, supportive & compassionate man who deals with my idiosyncrasies in a very gentle & comforting way. Every time there is a crisis in my life, he is by my side, rationalizing through it until a solution can be found. However, I find in many situations, he’s the last person that I will turn to, which I think may bother him.

I spent a long time reclaiming my individuality after years of being under someone’s thumb. Part of me fears going back to that. I’m always afraid that reaching out to the man that I love will result in him resenting me for being weak & sniveling, so by the time I do talk to him, 19 things have gone wrong & I’m a crazy, crying mess.

However, this man finds crazy, crying MH lovable, which is probably the sweetest thing I have ever heard. When someone can love the least lovable side of you, & only want to understand that side & not change it, they are likely your match. I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I’m goofy, kind of ditzy & sometimes over emotional. The fact that he can see these things not as flaws that need changing, but facets of my personality that need to be understood & accepted makes me love him more.

The other reason is simple; he’s a busy man. He has many commitments to many people & I don’t want to infringe on them. I don’t want to distract him from the degree he has worked so hard for or his beautiful daughter. I am only a marginal piece of his life & I don’t want to put too much pressure on him to be more than that. He has a million projects & sometimes he simply has no time for me, not even a phone call. I’m the same way sometimes. But I feel guilty when I have to infringe on his life, I feel so selfish when I do. I should be the lowest priority, not someone that requires a lot of attention.

However, the lesson here is knowing when it is the right time to let someone in. When do you have the conversations that are most personal?

For me, that time is now.

I’m slowly building a future with someone whom genuinely loves & cares for me & wants to understand me better. He wants to be there for me when things get rough, just like I want to be there for him. We are getting to the point where we know each other better than we know ourselves & accepted each other’s flaws & foibles. We’re at the point where one bad day/week/minor issue won’t tear us apart & I need to be more open to talking to him, even about the stuff that I don’t tell even my closest friends. I spend so much time trying to be Super MH that I forget that I don’t have to be; my friends & beau appreciate that I’m actually a bit nuts & over emotional. Perhaps if I opened up @ the time things happened & let people understand why I feel the way I do, maybe they wouldn’t feel like I’m high strung. Maybe I wouldn’t be.

Loving someone means loving the parts of the person that aren’t very lovable. Flaws are part of a person too & whether it’s a small flaw (forgetting to call) or a major one (over emotional crying), if you love that person, you embrace their flaws as well as their goodness. If someone can love the parts of me that I hate, then he’s someone I can do damn near anything for.

Give Up The Grudge

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

The more time I spend with people, the more that I think half of the universe is bitterable.

Bitterable is a word that I invented which is a hybrid of bitter and miserable. It makes me sad to see so many people that I love so unhappy with the state of their lives and yet, I can’t do anything to help them out with it.

I often get questioned by the people in my life by my ability to trudge along when things get sucky. A recurring conversation between myself and my beau is my indifference towards a former friend who stopped talking to me abruptly (and even took my copy of the Hunger Games and never returned it!), but I never say anything negative or show any distress at their departure. I simply have more important things to focus on than someone who obviously didn’t care enough about the friendship to have a conversation. This applies to many things in my life. I’m quick to forgive and move on because once someone has apologized for said wrong doing & we’ve talked about it, we should probably go forward.

Several people I know are still angry with their partners for things that happened months, even years ago. Things that should have been resolved at the time. I’m not talking about the residual hurt or the rebuilding of trust, those linger for months on end. Mentioning residual hurt doesn’t have to involve throwing it back in the person’s face, simply expressing that you were hurt and that’s why you do certain things or get emotional about certain things is well enough. If someone cares enough about you (and has any self awareness at all), they should have some patience for your concerns. I’m one of those people that will annoy someone with questions such as; are things fine, are we good now, do you mean it, etc. and chances are I drive the other person absolutely bonkers, but it’s my way of feeling secure again after something goes wrong. There’s nothing wrong with needing reassurance, or even with feeling hurt long after the action/infraction is over.  However, holding on to the residual anger, or worse, stewing for years is just a ticking time bomb. If you’ve said you’ve forgiven them, then drop it and try to overcome the hurt, because they’ve acknowledged their wrong doing, why make them suffer? If they were truly sorry, then they’ll demonstrate the appropriate behaviour and you’ll feel better and more secure eventually, but it’s up to you to feel better, not the other person to make you feel better.

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die; you’re only hurting yourself. The person you’re angry at likely doesn’t know or care that you’re still pissed about the infraction from years ago and that’s why you end up bitterable. I think about people who are still angry about things that happened in high school, even though they graduated 10 years ago, or are still mad at their relationship crumbling a year later. I can understand hurt, or not ready to open oneself up to a new relationship, but to still be angry is a little silly.

My foster father once said that if it won’t affect you three days from now, or an apology can fix it, it’s not worth being angry about. It’s a lesson I’ve tried to adopt into my daily life. I still get hurt and angry, but I try very hard not to let it impact my relationships with other people. I’m simply too busy to end up bitterable & I would be very upset to learn that people were still angry with me for things that I had done and apologized for.

Part of Me

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, Seriously WTF?

A year ago today I made the biggest decision of my adult life; I ended my marriage.

I’m not a “look back” sort of person; I’m not going that way. However, I couldn’t help but look at where I am right now as opposed to then.

He said I was worthless & wouldn’t last 10 minutes. I’ve been on my own for a year. Maybe I didn’t make the best choices every time or carry myself in the best way but every choice I made was mine and mine alone, with no fear of being called names or spat on.

I have an amazing group of friends who supported me & weren’t afraid to call me out when I was doing something dumb. I wouldn’t be the person I am without them, especially Drew. He was my cheerleader, therapist, companion & sounding board. He helped me see I was okay on my own & because of that I’m a better person for it. I can’t ever tell him enough how much I appreciate him. I found someone who wants me & my daughters because of who we are, not because of what we can give them.

A year ago, I wondered who I would be when I wasn’t a wife. Now I know; I’m Mary-Helen. I’m a mom. I’m a friend. I’m a girlfriend. I’m a writer. I’m a klutz. I sing too loudly with the radio & tell unfunny jokes. I apologize too much & I suck at math. I’m not perfect, I screw up, I irritate people but I’m well meaning & in the end, that’s what matters. That’s me & I think that’s pretty okay.

Mine

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, Douchers, MH vs Dating, Relationships, Seriously WTF?, Social Media

Arms Bumalang of AM 800 posed an interesting Facebook question this morning: would you be upset if your partner “checked out” an attractive person when you were with them?

One woman said she would break up with her boyfriend on sight, that he broke the trust, the end. Other responses were that looking is fine, it’s the touching that bothers them.

I generally don’t care. I’ve been called a flirt & I’m not ashamed to admit that I find Chris Hemsworth more than a little attractive. My boyfriend is also a shameless flirt & recently explained his plans to marry Sophia Bush. We laughed. I’m really not a jealous person. I won’t unless I have a reason to be. If you don’t give me a reason to feel threatened, I won’t. We both have a lot of friends that are of the opposite sex so when we started dating, we discussed what we considered acceptable & what was crossing a boundary. We were pretty much on the same page.

People are visual, they’re genetically predesigned to react to visual stimuli. To flip out when they do is asking a human being to deny what makes them human. To the women who claim their partner noticing a pretty girl is cheating, I ask this; do you practice what you preach? You never look at another man? Zack Efron didn’t make your stomach flutter? Do you expect him to only look at you while you ogle construction workers & celebrities? If so, then the issue is you, not your man.

I don’t care if my guy ogles Sophia Bush, Katie Holmes or the waitress. As long as he loves me for the things that actually matter in life, then we’re good.

Maybe I just expect very little, but I think that love means that you don’t expect something from your partner that you can’t give yourself. So, unless you can assuredly NEVER look (no, not even at the celeb you swooned over in high school), then don’t expect your partner to do the same.

Marry You

by maryhelenc, posted in Celebrity Fluff, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, My New Life As Me, Relationships, support Windsor!

Weddings. Ugh.

One of my best friends celebrated her one year anniversary this week. I visited her the day after their anniversary and she said to me, “It’s been a year, but I love that broad more than the day I married her.” I had to crack up at the sentiment.

The same day, my middle daughter looked at me @ the dinner table and asked “Mommy, will you and your boyfriend get married? Because I think you should.” I choked on my food.

This all comes on the heels of my friend Nikki (from MisterMamaSir) showing my beau the wedding invitations that she decided would be perfect for our wedding. (They are nice, check them out HERE) He seemed interested; I may have thrown up.

I’ve made no secret that I really don’t want to remarry (despite my beau saying that he thinks he could change my mind if he suddenly wanted to) but my happily married friend this week actually asked me WHY. My therapist asked the same question and I couldn’t actually provide an answer. I really didn’t know “why”, just that it seemed like a really horrible idea.

I’ve been married and I’m finalizing my divorce. I’ve always said I can’t say never, because the person who says never usually does it. However, the whole idea scares me. I can gladly picture my entire life with one person. I see no problem with the idea of spending my life with one person. I’ve talked about spending my life with one person and nobody needed to breathe into a bag. But mention marriage and I turn pale and hyperventilate.

I guess there should be a reason, right? It’s not just the idea of the legalities that closes off this idea to me. But the fact that I’m totally cool with someone telling me they want to spend the rest of their life with the girls and me is perfectly okay, just not the idea of the wedding and the insanity and the in laws and the fighting and stress of planning with no guarentees that it’s going to work out…of course there’s no guarentees that any relationship will work out.

I hate when I have to tell Drew he is right, but he is; I need to address my fear of matrimony…and my fear of geese. I’m not saying I want to get married now (or ever), but I think I do have to be more open to changing my mind about the subject (I’m not open to the idea of embracing geese though, those things are just evil). Much like other things within a relationship, when one firmly says “No dice” on something with no option of compromise, whether it’s something as small as dinner reservations to as large as kids and family, you’re closing off the ability to grow as a couple, or so the therapist keeps telling me. So, being more open to options and your partner’s wishes gives you the option to be more successful in your relationship. Things change all of the time and you need to be willing to change with it. If you really love someone and want to be with them, you have to evolve with them. If one of you continues to grow while the other remains static; the relationship fails.

So, while I currently have no desire to walk down another aisle or hug a goose, I have to be open to the idea that it may be something that I want someday. Who knows? Maybe I won’t and my partner won’t and we’ll be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and live in sin until we die, because that’s how we both want it, not because one is unwilling to consider any other option.

30 Days of Truth Day 28

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

Day 28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Oh. Em. Gee.

I would panic & bawl.

Poor Drew would be breaking the news to my beau, as I’d be panicking.

I do not want any more children. My three plus his one is plenty, thank you very much.

If it were to happen, after the crying & hysteria, I would raise him/her. I am pro-life & do not believe in abortion (unless medically necessary). Obviously, I wouldn’t force his/her father to stay & help me, but I would hope any man I end up with would want to be a father. I’ve had enough experience with fathers who only want to see their kids when it benefits them for one lifetime.

Fortunately, I take every precaution to ensure that I won’t get pregnant again. I love my girls, and I love being a mom, but I’m happy with what I have.

30 Days of Truth Day 25 & 26

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

Day 25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I guess it’s because I still have a lot left to do!

I have to see my daughters grow into women & become mothers themselves. I have to accomplish my professional goals. I have to live happily ever after with the man of my dreams, & sit on the porch swing when we’re old, still as in love as we were when we met. I still need to go to New Orleans & walk in the French Quarter & ride an elephant!

My time is not done yet, which is why I’m still here. When I’ve lived life to the fullest & done the above mentioned things, then and only then will I go.

Day 26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Nope. My daughters need me.

30 Days of Truth Day 24

by maryhelenc, posted in ASH Blog Projects, Dear Blank, MH vs Dating, MusicIsLifeIsMusicIsLife, Relationships

Day 24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

1. Sweater Song – Hedley (because I live in his sweater when loafing around my house)
2. Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette (we heard it like a million times in Toronto)
3. It will Rain – Bruno Mars (It was the first time I had ever heard him sing, I was floored)
4. We Belong Together – Gavin DeGraw (His ringtone, because it’s my favorite Gavin song & he is one of the only people I know that also loves Gavin)
5. Everything – Fefe Dobson (because he’s obsessed w/ her)
6. Jet Lag – Simple Plan ( when we saw Simple Plan, Fefe Dobson was there & I think he was more excited about one song with her than anything else)
7. Ever After – Marianas Trench (I love this song, but every time I post lyrics to this song, people assume we’re fighting)
8. I Won’t Give Up – Jason Mraz (I kept singing along with the parts edited out of the radio version & he’d laugh @ me every time)
9. Run to the Water – Live (he loves Live, I hate them)
10. Never Gonna Be Alone -Nickelback (it was raining, it was playing on the digital music channel, I was making fun of his like of Nickelback & then he was kissing me. It was the most amazing first kiss & I relive it in my mind every time I hear that song. I can even get past my hatred of Nickelback)
11. Say – John Mayer (he loves John Mayer, I hate him, but I hear this song a lot in bookstores. He said he caused an “unnecessary freakout”, but we worked through it because that’s what we do, afterward we ended up @ a bookstore. He told me he was going to apologize to me, but instead he pulled me to him & kissed my temple & pressed his cheek to mine. It was so sweet. So, I connect bookstore music & his love of John Mayer w/ this particular memory)
12. Come on Get Higher – Matt Nathanson (this one requires a longer explanation)

It came on the radio, he sang along. I stopped talking mid-sentence (because I am always delighted to hear him sing) & he didn’t even notice. He was caught up in the music & focusing on the road. I couldn’t stop staring at him, for some reason he was absolutely perfect to me & in that moment, I realized I was in love with him.

I never intended to fall in love ever again, but never in my life did I count on finding anyone like him.

He’s mature & level headed. My daughters love him & I love his daughter just as much, there’s nothing cuter than watching him play with them. He is the sweetest, smartest, funniest most engaging man I’ve ever known & I couldn’t have avoided it if I tried…& I TRIED! I would remind myself of his flaws, that he’s not perfect, that he irritates me sometimes, he’ll never remember to call me when he says he will & it’s not going to be some fairy tale. We have other commitments & we have to be apart quite a bit. But, it only takes 1/5 of a second to fall in love & it hit me while he sang along with a random song on the radio while driving down a highway.

Love isn’t a word we use anymore. We used it too fast & in the wrong context, before we were ready & made a mess, well I made a mess, he just left. When he came back, I banned those words. He may never say it, but he shows me he cares in a million little ways; he reads my magazine every month without fail, tells me he’s proud of me when I study math because he knows I hate it & draws tickle patterns across my shoulders. He overestimates my worth to the world around me. He looks @ me in this soft little way, like I’m the most interesting thing in the room & I love how he looks @ me. He thinks all of the things I do that drive everyone else crazy are cute & he’s the only person in this world who can make me stop & do nothing & actually enjoy it.

So, even if we’re together for 100 years & never once says that he loves me, it wouldn’t matter. You can use words to lie; you can’t fake a look, or an action. He proves he cares with the things that he does, not with the words that are spoken.

30 Days of Truth Day 15 & 16

by maryhelenc, posted in Dear Blank, Just Fun, MH vs Dating, Mommydom, Relationships

***Doubling up today!***

Day 15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

There’s no one in this life that I can’t live without except for my daughters or maybe Drew. However, there is one person in my life I do not want to live without & that is my boyfriend.

There was no lightning bolt, love at first sight, soap opera romance. We were friends who became drawn to each other over the course of a few months. It spawned some hilarious conversations about dating & our preference to die alone & a perfect, passionate kiss on a rainy night that changed everything.

However, we both rushed in too fast & overwhelmed each other. I cancelled plans. He bolted, I cried. When the tears stopped, I resolved that I was done with dating, men & especially him. We would be friends but I was never going down that road again…

…that lasted nine days.

Neither of us could stand to be away from the other so we ended up back together. We’ve worked through our own insecurities as we go & we’re better together than apart.

He makes me calmer, happier. He makes me stand up for myself, he doesn’t baby me. He reminds me that I’m strong & “bad ass”, kisses me in a way that makes me forget my own name, when he sings I stop whatever I’m doing & blush & I like who I am so much better when he’s with me. I hope he feels the same way, I love it when he’s happy; it makes me giddy. Nothing makes me happier than curling up in his arms while we watch our girls play. It’s better than any date, adventure, or evening anyone could think of.

If this didn’t work, I could live without him. I just don’t want to, because I’m so much happier & content with him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted & then some & I’m the luckiest woman in the world because he wants to be with me.

Day 16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Geese. The end.